Friendship Is Cynical

ShootMeShootMeShootMeShootMeShootMeShitme- FUCK!

Not even a full hour had passed when Pinkie had all but magically appeared out of thin air to save Ryan from another brutal beat down with his not-so-ex marefriend and he was already debating whether or not to beat her with a stick. While he did appreciate the gesture and was happy he wouldn't be going home covered in bruises, there was only so much his gratitude could take before it would eventually turn into a steaming cauldron of 'Fuck off and die!'

He was doing his best to ignore the hyperactive mare, sitting back in his chair and watching through the window as a small number of ponies left their homes and opened up their stalls and stores.

Six O'clock finally rolled in, causing the small black device on Ryan's hip to shake and vibrate.
"And the man in the back said, 'Everyone attack!' and it turned into a Ballroom Blitz!
And the girl in the corner said, 'Boy, I wanna warn ya. It'll turn into a Ballroom Blitz!'
Ballroom Blitz!"

Pinkie's eyes lit up as she practically lunged herself toward the device, her legs curled and her face resting mere inches from it as it continued to play the tune. "I've never heard this song before."

"And you never will." Ryan said, grabbing his phone and yanking it hard from it's clip on his side, causing Pinkie to recoil a bit as its upper half smacked her in the jaw.

"Owie!" Pinkie exclaimed, pressing an open hand just below her mouth. She lifted her head from the human's side, rubbing the afflicted area with a pained expression.

Ryan swiped his thumb across the screen, turning off his morning alarm and silencing the device before replacing it back onto his side with a light pop as it locked in place. His eyes wandered over to his side to see Pinkie looking at him with sad eyes, tears quickly developing in them.

Oh God, please no!

Ryan blinked in confusion, a strange feeling of dread filling his gut. He angles his head to the side and just like that the once happy pink mare was bawling her eyes out, literally forming puddles of tears at his feet. As if she weren't obnoxious enough already, her wailing could probably be heard from Canterlot.

He rose up from his chair, grabbing Pinkie by the shoulders and giving her a light shake. "Okay, I'm sorry!" His half assed apology did nothing to rid her of the sadness. "Stop it!"

The crying continued, driving Ryan to press his hands against his ears in a desperate attempt to save what was left of his eardrums. "Fuck, make it stop!"

I hate to say it, but you're going to have to be nice.

"Are you crazy!?" Ryan yelled in shock. Something like that to even be suggested to him was nothing short of insane.

I want you to take a moment to stop and think.

He blinked a few times, his hands still firmly shoved against his ear holes.

Now look at her

Ryan obeyed, staring Pinkie right in her weeping face.

Now look lower

Again, he listened. His eyes traveled down to her well-endowed chest and slightly plump stomach. She wasn't fat by any means, but she did have noticeably more meat on her bones than the rest of her circle. It was almost that desirable amount of girly pudge that you just wanna lay your head down on and take a four hour nap.

Now get a quick glance at her hips.

And like that he was won over. Pinkie's waist matched the rest of her body, being a bit larger than the average pony, but not disgustingly so. The many years of pastry consumption had surprisingly done what every man hoped it would and added a whole lot of cushion to her round flank.

You see what's at stake here, right?

Ryan let out a defeated sigh. "Of the seven sins; I am Lust..."

At least until they add 'Asshole' to that list.

Not wanting to lose such a hot mare as a friend, and occasional cuddle buddy, he removed his hands from his ears and quickly wrapped his arms around Pinkie. The effects took hold almost instantly, her crying seeming to vanish into thin air and leaving nothing more than a light sniffing in its wake.

Pinkie returned the hug, holding a small smile on her face. If only Ryan knew that this was just a ploy. The hyperactive mare had learned pretty quickly that her human companion was immune to puppy eyes and just about anything related, but if she started crying he would eventually cave and at least try to be nice. She had been taking advantage of this for some time.

Ryan pulled himself away from Pinkie, the expression on his face showing that he was angry, of course it was at himself, he hated being nice. Still, he figured that playing the good guy role for a bit would be more beneficial for him at the moment. He reached down and grabbed his phone, swiping his index finger across the screen a few times before setting it down on a table and walking out of the room.

"Oh yeah! It was like lightning, everybody was frightening!
And the music was soothing, and they all started grooving.
And the man in the back said, 'Everyone attack!' and it turned into a Ballroom Blitz!"

Pinkie threw her arms into the air, letting out a triumphant yell as she grabbed ahold of the device and listened to the rest of the song.

2 Hours Later

Next time...we let her cry herself to death

Ryan sat off in a corner behind the counter at Sugar Cube Corner, doing his best to coax the headache out of his skull by massaging his temples with his fingertips. Even while running the bakery, loaded line and all, Pinkie still found time between each customer to talk his ear off.

Each time she would speak lasted a total of two minutes, but with everything she would pack into the one-sided conversation it seemed like she could fill out a novel. Needless to say, her idea of making his day better was not working at all. There was even a point where Rainbow Dash came in and he had to hide out in the freezer so she wouldn't see him.

It wasn't like he couldn't handle the mare, or take her on in a fight, but he wasn't feeling up for it today. He felt more tired than anything, which was surprising to him since he hasn't really done anything.

The laziness will consume us all!

As time continued to fly by with the only thing filling the void being Pinkie's insatiable need to run her mouth, Ryan was starting to think that it was time for him to head home.

He rose out of his spot, stretching out his arms and legs and eliciting several popping sounds from his body.

Before he could take a single step, a pink blur rushed into his vision. How Pinkie can simply appear out of thin air will continue to baffle him until he finds out what drugs she is taking...or was it a constant sugar rush from all of the baked goods that are likely coursing through her veins? Fuck it; Either way he'd die, whether it be by overdose or diabetes was still the question though.

"What's up?" She asked, speaking almost too fast for him to keep up with. "Where are you going?"

"Home." He replied bluntly, "I've got a raging headache and I'd really like to go to bed."

Pinkie put on a disappointed look. He'd been sitting back here all day and hasn't said or done anything fun. "Sheesh, you're no fun when you're-" She paused mid-sentence, her eyes nearly bulging out of her sockets as another large gasp escaped her throat. "I'll be right back!"

In another flurry of pink blurs, she was gone and back in the blink of an eye, holding some sort of bottle in her hands out to Ryan with an eager smile plastered across her face. "Here!"

Ryan shot her an inquisitive look, not understanding why she was offering him some random bottle of God knows what. Regardless, he grabbed the bottle and examined it. It was an alcoholic beverage, so naturally he wouldn't be able to turn it down. The Irish blood circulating through him would turn to bile and poison him if he ever committed such a crime. That would be borderline blasphemy to his people! And while his Irish blood would be strangling him to death, his inner German would be by its side punching him in the dick just for fun.

Double the fuckery for only half of the reason.

As you can see, the decision was made for him. In fact, it was made during his inner monologue as his body reacted on its own by popping off the top and sucking down the harsh liquid. The familiar burning in his stomach filled his body with an irreplaceable warmth and sent shivers along his spine.

Let's see if we can't make today a little better

Applejack shivered slightly as the cold air hit her, the wind gently brushing against the fur on her face and digging its way to the skin below. Rather than complain though, she continued on with her walk, still talking to the mare beside her.

"Ah just don't understand why he feels the need to sneak out every time he stays over." She explained to her friend, "Mah family already knows that we fool around, even Granny's been able to figure it out despite how dense she can be."

Twilight, unable to answer for the human's bizarre behavior, was only able to offer little more that a shrug in response. "Ryan's an interesting character, to say the least. But, I'm sure he has his reasons. They might not good ones, but they're still reasons."

Applejack sighed, trying to figure out why he acts the way he does. She'd probably never know, but that doesn't stop her from wondering. "Yep, he's an oddity alright. There's no denying that."

The two fell silent as they came upon Sugar Cube Corner. Their plan was to go in, have a few cupcakes, say 'Hi' to Pinkie, and be on their way. However, when they opened the door they found a pretty interesting sight. Every table in the bakery was empty and the chairs were missing. A quick glance over to the counter and they were able figured out why.

A large group of ponies had taken their seats and moved them over by the counter, where they could sit and listen to the human speak, all while laughing their tails off. Pinkie could just barely be seen through the group, leaning up with her elbows pressed against the wood and her chin resting on her fists.

Ryan sat on top of the counter, a half empty bottle in his hands, doing his best not to laugh at himself. "The farmer says to him, 'I can put you up for the night, but you're gonna have to stay in the barn.' So the guy spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in and asks, 'Were you comfortable?'"

"The guy says, 'Yeah, I had a great time. I talked to all the animals.' The farmer gives him a weird look and says, 'You talked to the animals?' The guy says, 'Yeah, I spoke to the chickens. They say you collect the eggs every morning exactly five minutes after six.' The farmer looks at him in shock and says, 'That's exactly right!'"

"The guy went on to say, 'The goat told me his name is Odis, you've owned him for ten years.' The farmer says, 'That's incredible!' Then the guy says, 'I spoke to the peacock. She said her name is Elsie, and you feed her every morning at exactly eight-thirty.' The farmer says, 'That's amazing.'"

"Finally, the guy says, 'And then I spoke to the sheep.' And the farmer screams, 'Those sheep are lying!'"

The crowd broke out into an uproarious laughter, many ponies leaning against their friends for support and some even doubling over onto the floor. Even Twilight, who was still standing by the door, had to put a hand over her mouth to keep herself from busting her gut.

Applejack on the other hand wasn't as amused as eveypony else. "I beg your pardon!"

Her yell overpowered the bakery, making everypony fall silent and one certain human yelp out of surprise before falling backward and toppling onto the floor.

Ryan curled up behind the counter, doing his best to stay hidden among the assortment of cupcakes that had been knocked over some time ago. Clearly this plan worked perfectly as the cowpony marched over to the counter, leaning her upper body over it just enough to look down at the cowering human.

He looked up at her, and she looked down at him...This silent stare down went on for a while, the tension in the air staying at a constant rhythm between 'This is creepy.' and 'Someone's gonna die.'

Applejack opened her mouth to speak, likely to chew out Ryan's ass for making such an offensive joke. However, before she could get the first syllable out, one of the cupcakes that littered the floor was shoved into her mouth and another one was smeared across her face.

With the distraction in place, Ryan could focus on a plan of escape. A second passes and the human launched his body out of a closed window, shattering it as his body flew through and landed on the snow covered ground outside.

Given how heavy the weather was, it was hard to see him taking off, even for the ponies that leaned their heads out of the now broken window. But they could hear him Zoidberging, as he called it, away with a series of 'woob, woob, woob's' echoing in the distance.

The rest of the day went on like normal. Ponies that were in the bakery eventually left, making way for new ponies to come in, place orders, and leave as well. Fixing the window wasn't much of a chore either. Ever since Ryan had shown up in this world, a lot of things seemed to break on a regular basis, glass being on the top of the victims list. So Pinkie made sure to stock up on mirrors, windows, drinking glasses and so on in case of glass emergencies.

Not a soul had seen or heard from Ryan after his over dramatic escape. Many would likely assume that he was either out wandering around like the drunk bastard he is, or that he went home and passed out. It was usually one of the two, this wasn't exactly anything new.

Pinkie served the last customer of the day and locked up the bakery, doing a quick run through to make sure everything was neat and clean. Once she was sure that everything was in order, she bounded up to her room with a happy smile. Although she seemed as energetic as ever, she felt tired from the work day and decided to hit the hay early so she could be ready ahead of time tomorrow.

She opened the door to her room and flipped the light switch, illuminating the small area. It wasn't much, but it was hers and she was happy to have it. The mare skipped over to her dresser, sifting through to find a set of pajamas when a strange movement disturbed her peripherals.

Her head cocked to the side, taking in one half of the room. Her bed was resting on the floor against the wall, a dresser sat off in the corner, her closet door was open and standing off a few feet away from the dresser, and her window was shut with a figure sitting outside of it covered in snow.

Pinkie's pupils shrink a bit before she rushed over to the window, yanking it open with everything she had. The process was rather difficult, she could see the thick layer of ice surrounding its edges outside, but she didn't let that stop her. With one hard tug the ice broke and the window slid open.

The body limply fell through the now open structure, slamming head first into the floor with a loud thud and letting out a soft 'mrrrr.'

Pinkie flipped the body over, grabbing it by the shoulders and shaking it almost violently. "Ryan, are you okay? Speak to me!"

"Stop!" Ryan yelled, finding it difficult to formulate a full sentence when his body felt like it was being jerked around by a jackhammer. "Shaking! Me! You! Crazy! Bitch!"

"You're Alive!" She exclaimed happily, pulling him into a tight embrace. One of which broke faster than it had started when her face brushed against his. "Holy Celestia, you're cold!"

"Um, yeah." He commented, "I've kind of been sitting on your roof for...a while now, I guess."

"Why would you do that!?" Pinkie yelled, shaking him once again as she did so. "Are you trying to catch your death?"

"It's not like I did it on purpose!" Ryan managed to force out, then waiting for Pinkie to stop shaking him so he could continue. "I didn't expect the window to be frozen." He explained, "I climbed up, tried to open it, then nodded off shortly after."

"You poor, poor thing." Pinkie said, feeling bad for the living ice block in her hands. "Let's get you warmed up."

Normally Ryan would reject almost everything Pinkie would suggest for him out of fear of losing his sanity. However, he was colder than the ninth gate of hell and would never turn down the chance to warm up. He always hated the cold.

Pinkie was quick to get back onto her feet, pulling Ryan along with her.

Ryan was still fairly buzzed, having used the alcohol to keep him warm, so he didn't notice it when Pinkie had started stripping him of his clothing until his shirt was already off and she went for his pants.

"Woah." He muttered as reality started coming back to him. "Woah, woah, woah!"

Ryan took several steps back, grabbing hold of his loosely hanging belt. "The hell are you doing?"

Pinkie rolled her eyes, moving on to removing her clothing. "In several weather conditions there are certain protocols that need to be taken." She began, successfully removing her shirt and bra. "When it comes to cold you are supposed to strip down completely and huddle against each other for warmth." By the end of that statement the pink mare was standing before him completely naked. "You really should read more. You might learn something fun!"

Ryan's left eye twitched as his brain was stuck between the fact that she had insulted his intelligence with little more than a few words and a smile, and that she was standing naked in front of him expecting cuddles.

Want...to...punch her...but naked cuddles...

Before Ryan could make up his mind, Pinkie was already leading him over to the bed, skillfully removing his pants before shoving him under the covers. She joined him, wrapping her arms around his form after pulling his head into her bosom, allowing him to be buried under the large layer of tit flesh that hung from her body.

You win this round, Pink one...But only because I'm letting you!