The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today I went about gathering all the information that I could about Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine, and I regret to say that my initial suspicions were true - she is a liar.

When I first woke up and then folded my sheets and took a shower and ate breakfast and brushed my teeth, I decided it was time I visited Miss Twilight Sparkle asked her if she had found anything about Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine. When I arrived at her house and asked her, it turns out that there is no mention in any of the Equestrian history books of the mare. Surely there would be, though. Alicorns can live for thousands of years, so it stands to reason that she would be ancient. As I have said, however, there is no mention of her anywhere in any history books.

After searching for several hours, Miss Twilight Sparkle and I could find nothing. Wishing her a good day, I left the library perplexed. Then I ran into Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine again.

She was flying "gracefully" towards me. I put "gracefully" in quotation marks is because it was not very graceful at all. In fact, I was initially alarmed.

"Why, Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine. You are flying oddly. Is anything wrong? Are you injured?"

She laughed (and, incidentally, hurt my ears due to the high pitch of her laugh) and told me that she was perfect...

...I think she meant to say "perfectly fine", but I could not tell. Either way, she then told me she was busy and had many important things to do. In between her words, she blinked and fluttered her eyes so much that I am sure she had a nervous tick. I do believe she should see somepony about that.

As it turns out, we were heading in the same direction. I daresay that I was not in the mood to talk to her, but since that would have been rude, I tried starting a conversation by asking her what she was doing in Ponyville.

I cannot quite recall the conversation, other than the general feeling of uneasiness that radiated from her. I did not like it one bit. I am sorry for being so judgemental, Diary, but you simply must understand - she seems to think that the universe is centered around her. Everything out of her mouth was about her great accomplishments and wonders and how tragic and beautiful her life was and all sorts of things.

She didn't even answer my question.

Oh, and apparently she is not only working for the postal service, but also the construction crew. She walked right up to my house, which we passed on the way to my store, and promptly began hammering things, sawing wood, and pouring concrete, careful not to get a speck of dirt on her, I might add.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Oh, silly John," she replied "I am also the construction worker in town. Isn't that just cute of me? I got the job when my sisters Celestia and Luna banished me for looking too beautiful and..."

She continued on for several minutes, lying through her teeth. I will not wear myself out by repeating some of the awful lies that she said, but I will say that it only lessened my opinion of her. When I saw the opportunity to leave her, I gladly took it and walked as quickly as I could to my store.

When I went inside though, Diary, I found somepony who I did not expect to see- Miss Derpy Hooves. She was sulking and looking all around the "neatly" packed shelves which Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine had filled.

"Why, whatever is the matter, Miss Derpy?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry John! There was this alicorn and she stole all the packages and told me that she was the new postal pony in town! And she said I was fired for being ugly! And then she took my hat!"

Miss Derpy Hooves was on the point of tears. I was, in every sense of the word, outraged. This was the first time in my life I have felt so disgusted with a pony, and if Miss BlueMoon intends to stay, I daresay it won't be the last time. After I managed to calm down Miss Derpy and gave her some tea and crackers, I had her sit in the back room on a chair for a while.

I quickly wrote the following note:

"Saturday, September 8, 2012

Dear Miss Fluttershy,

Miss Derpy Hooves is feeling very depressed. Perhaps you have or perhaps you have not heard about Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine, the new pony in town. If Miss Derpy is to be believed, I daresay that Miss BlueMoon is nothing short of a complete bully. She took Miss Derpy's job (illegaly, I might add) earlier this week and, regardless of whether or not Derpy really has been fired (something I highly doubt, having met Miss BlueMoon and being quite aware of her way of fabricating the truth), she treated Miss Derpy Hooves in a very unrespectful, mean, and very inconsiderate manner.

I write this note to tell you that Miss Derpy is in tears right now, and, since you are such a kind pony, I would humbly request that you would cheer Miss Derpy up.

Thank you very much. I pray that you can help Miss Derpy, since I am not very well acquainted with the talent of cheering up others.

Sincerely,

John"

I then promptly sealed the letter in an envelope and called Miss Derpy out of the back room. Handing her the note, I told her that I needed it to be taken to Miss Fluttershy as quickly as possible. I told her that it was top secret and could not be even peeked at, but that the only mailpony (or ex-mailpony) I could trust was her, and definitely not Miss BlueMoon. My heart felt warmed by the smile on Miss Derpy's face as she gave me a rather painful hug and then darted out of my shop.

Unnerved but happy, I spent the rest of my day organizing my shelves the correct way.

That is all I have for now, Diary. Goodnight.

Sincerely,

John