The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Dear Diary,

The most dreadful experience occurred today. I cannot state with enough emphasis how positively scared I was. I mean, of course, that I was not too terrified - that in and of itself is terrifying - rather that I was nearing the point of being terrified. I must apologize, by the way, for losing you, diary. It has been over a week and I am terribly sorry. Who would have thought that you where hiding between the herbal tea jar and the stack of unused copy paper? I certainly did not, of course, otherwise I would have found you sooner.

Oh dear. I am keeping you waiting yet even more, aren't I? You are probably just itching to know what it is that happened today. Well, I will tell you. It was a normal day up until I got home from the store. By the way, I sold an impressive 10 manuals today - a new record, I believe.

I had walked up to my door and was about to reach for my keys when it struck me most horribly - I had left my keys inside. There, sitting on the table in my kitchen (which I could see through the window in my house) were the golden keys I use to lock and unlock my home and my store. Gasping in horror, I began frantically pacing around my doormat, trying desperately to come up with a plan, but they all seemed to life-threatening to risk.

I was about to give up hope, when I heard a familiar voice (and you will have to pardon the improper grammar; I am merely attempting to accurately retell the conversation).

"Hey there, mister John! What're you doin'?! Walking in circles around the rug? Can I do it, too? It looks like fun!"

Before I could respond, I was rudely shoved off of the rug by none other than Miss Derpy Hooves. She began walking in circles upon my doormat, smiling happily at first. Gradually, however, she stopped smiling as she began to realize that it wasn't "fun" at all (not that I was attempting to have fun while worrying about my keys).

"Hey!" she said rather loudly "This isn't as fun as you made it look! Why isn't it?"

"Miss Derpy Hooves, I'm sorry, but that is not why I was pacing on my rug," I replied calmly "I was trying to come up with a plan. You see - my keys are in my home and I've locked myself out." I pointed at the keys in the window to help her understand.

Then she laughed at me, misunderstanding me entirely.

"Why did you do that, John? That doesn't make much sense!"

I almost sighed in exasperation, but that would have been quite rude of me. So, instead, I made the mistake of asking Miss Derpy Hooves to help me.

I will never make that mistake again.

...

That was, possibly, the worst mistake I've made this year...

...

...I am not exaggerating, Diary. You know me. I would not exaggerate anything. It would be very unorthodox and very wrong of me to do such a thing, so trust me when I say that it was the worst mistake I've made to date this year.

Then Miss Derpy Hooves smiled.

"Of course! I'd love to! And I know just how to get your keys!"

I smiled in relief, falsely believing that Derpy would get them without causing damage to my home. I was terribly mistaken.

I'm... ...I can't say what happened next. All that I know is that, when the smoke cleared, my house was no more. Miss Derpy Hooves flew out of the wreckage smiling, carrying the keys. She then kindly unlocked the door for me and let me into what used to be my house. Then she flew away, remarking about how I should get the walls looked at because they aren't very sturdy.

Right now I am writing this in the park. I have no clue what I'm going to do, Diary. My home is literally gone. It is completely and utterly gone. The only things I managed to salvage from the wreckage were you and some tea bags.

I'm too tired to talk about it anymore, diary. I think I'll find a park bench to sleep on tonight. Maybe by morning I will be able to find somewhere to live until my house can be repaired.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John