Lyra and Bon Bon's Odd Jobs

It was three weeks after the health inspector's visit. Lyra and Bon Bon were in their home as Bon Bon scoured the classified ads. The custom frame Lyra ordered had arrived in the mail and she was busy hanging the front page of a newspaper on the wall.

"I can't believe you want to display that in our house," Bon Bon said, ashamedly, "It's bad enough I'll never get the taste of applesauce out of my mouth; now I also have to deal with that headline serving as a constant reminder of our failure."

The front page photo showed a cum-covered Lyra and Bon Bon walking down the cryobank steps and being led into the policemare's paddy wagon. Above the photo was a headline with a pull quote that read: Mares fired for embezzling from sperm bank. "I didn't put those in my bag," says Bon Bon.

"You call this a failure?" Lyra said, proudly, "This is the funniest headline I've ever been associated with. You know, for a comedian, you should really learn to laugh at yourself sometimes." Bon Bon gave a hurumph and ruffled the newspaper, lifting it higher so it obscured her vision of Lyra and the mounted paper. Lyra shrugged her shoulders and walked over to their TV set. Reclining in her favorite chair, she turned on the evening news.

"...And in other news," Erin Bro-nett said, "We did a follow up on the Ponyville Cryobank story. You may remember the facility was forced to close down three weeks ago after receiving enormous fines from the Health Inspector. At that same time, cryobank employees Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon were arrested for attempting to steal bags filled with reproductive materials from their workplace. In the courtroom, Lyra argued that since they did nothing with the material, all they were guilty of was wasting semen. She told the court that if wasting semen was a crime, then every male who masturbates should be jailed as well. Shortly thereafter, the embezzlement charges were dropped."

"I still can't believed that worked," Bon Bon said. not taking her eyes up from the paper. Lyra grinned. She knew that a stallion would make any judicial concessions in order to preserve his ability to clop. Erin Bro-nett continued her report.

"After several creative marketing ideas, the cryobank was able to earn enough money to pay its fines," Bro-nett said, "Today the sperm bank is once again open for business." The news story shifted its focus to the mare responsible for revitalizing Ponyville Cryobank.

"What ultimately saved the bank was a single mother who owed her happiness to the cryobank and wanted to do her part to help get the facility back on its hooves," Bro-nett said, "We had a chance to interview Berry Punch about her story and the events leading up to her job at the bank."

The news story cut to a prerecorded conversation with the mare in the studio. A magenta-maned pony with a faded pink coat and a perpetually flushed face sat on a plush cushion across from Erin Bro-nett. The reporter asked the mare to share her experiences from her previous job in the medical field.

"I was always a fast runner growing up," Berry Punch said, "When I got older, my school nurse said I could save lives by pulling an ambulance wagon. Once I graduated, I applied for the Emergency Medical Technician job at Ponyville General." Bro-nett asked Berry Punch to share some of her impressions about the work of saving lives.

"The life of an EMT was tough," Berry Punch said, "I had to develop a thick skin quickly to deal with the psychological stresses of the job. Every time I brought a pony to the hospital that was DOA, my soul died a little. I convinced myself that if I had been a little faster, they might have made it in time." Tears welled in the mare's eyes as she relived the trauma of the job. Bro-nett told Berry Punch to not blame herself and assured her that she did everything she could to save ponies. Once Berry Punch had recovered enough, she continued her story.

"The hardest part for me was transporting injured foals," Berry Punch said, choking back tears, "Some nights I would lie awake and I could still hear the screams of a dying filly or colt inside my head. That's why I started drinking; to drown out the voices." Bro-nett asked Berry Punch if she was comfortable discussing her alcoholism.

"I admit I have a drinking problem," Berry Punch said, bitterly, "It cost me my job as an EMT when I showed up for work drunk. After that, I hit rock bottom. I degrading myself for booze money and knew I needed to get clean or I was going to die. I joined a rehab group that helped me get sober enough to get a new job as a waitress and start rebuilding my life." Bro-nett asked if this was when the cryobank first entered the picture.

"Now that I was clean and sober, I felt capable of raising a foal," Berry Punch said, "After years of only hearing the cries and screams of foals, I just wanted to hear the sounds of a child's laughter again. Little Pinchy is my entire world. I carried her to term after receiving a donor's sperm from the cryobank." Bro-nett asked what Berry Punch's life was like for her and her daughter before being hired by the sperm bank.

"After the recession hit, I was laid off from my waitressing job," Berry Punch said, "I tried to find work somewhere else, but week after week of rejection began to take its toll on me. I got depressed and started drinking heavily again. Ruby Pinch was the one who suggested that I apply at the cryobank. Nurse Coldheart didn't want to hire me at first, but once she heard some of the ideas I brought to the table, she changed her mind." That concluded the prerecorded portion of the interview.

The news story then went live with Erin Bro-nett as she covered the grand reopening of the sperm bank. There were sperm and egg-shaped balloons tied to strings and even games for the fillies and colts. There was a carnival-style squirt gun event, where the object was to be the first to fill a cup with the vanilla yogurt that shot out of the suggestively-shaped guns. Depending on their scores, winners received small, medium or large plush sperm dolls.

Caramel was volunteering his time to help promote the event by wearing a giant sperm suit. Nurse Coldheart was in the background, happily talking to potential customers. Best of all, because Ruby Pinch was there with her mother, Atomic Faith couldn't come within three hundred yards of the cryobank. This was due to Ruby Pinch taking out a restraining order against Atomic Faith.

Erin Bro-nett stood by Berry Punch, who was teetering slightly. Her reddened face was evidence that she had been celebrating the cryobank's reopening in her own unique way. Ruby Pinch stood beside her mom to steady her. The little unicorn had a sperm balloon tied around her horn.

"This is Erin Bro-nett, reporting to you live from the grand reopening of the Ponyville Cryobank," she said, "I'm here with the bank's brain trust, Berry Punch, and her daughter. Ruby Pinch. Berry, what was your motivation behind taking this job?"

"I'd do anything for little Ruby Pinsh here," Berry Punch slurred as she tussled her daughter's mane.

Berry held up a shiny red flask with a ruby embedded in the middle. She tilted her head back and took a swig from the flask, causing wine to dribble down her mouth. Ruby Pinch gave a face hoof and took the flask away from her mother. Berry Punch teetered on the spot and gave a small hiccup. Eager to move the interview forward, Bro-nett asked Berry Punch what the hardest part about working in a sperm bank was.

"The hardest part about working in a sperm bank is not drinking on the job," Berry Punch slurred. Bro-nett asked the mare if she could tell how she came up with some of the ideas that saved the facility.

"You'll want to talk to Pinshy about that shtuff," Berry Punch mumbled, as she wobbled drunkenly, "She came up with most of the ideas, I just preshented them." Without another word, Berry Punch passed out on the ground, sound asleep.

Erin Bro-nett and Ruby Pinch stared at the inebriated mare, before taking a few steps away from her sleeping body to continue the interview.

"So, Ruby Pinch," Erin Bro-nett said, "Your mom tells me you helped come up with the ideas to save the cryobank."

"That's right," Ruby Pinch said, "After I was humiliated by those protesters, I went home and researched what really goes on in a cryobank. While the information was shocking at first, it inspired me to be creative. I helped my mom get a job by designing a couple of products to make the bank more marketable." The filly then held up a porcelain sperm with a squiggly little tail and a slot in the top.

"This one is very popular in the gift shop," Ruby Pinch said, "Getting a filly like me isn't cheap, so start saving today with your very own sperm bank!" Ruby Pinch shook the bank, allowing the coins to rattle inside. Then after setting down the bank, Ruby Pinch picked up a little glass with a sperm etched on one side of the cup and the exterior of the cryobank etched on the other.

"My mommy helped me come up with these," Ruby Pinch said, "She calls them 'money shot glasses.'" Bro-nett commended Ruby Pinch for being so smart for such a young filly. The reporter asked her if she and her mom had any future plans for the bank.

"Next month we start construction on a drive-thru window!" Ruby Pinch said proudly, "This will be a more convenient deposit method for stallions pulling a cart who want to donate, but don't have time to sit around. I got the idea after taking trips with my mom to the drive-thru liquor store." Erin Bro-nett thanked Ruby Pinch for her time, then addressed the viewing public.

"A mother who went from seeing ponies in their final moments before death to helping preserve the potential lives of future generations. It would seem Ponyville Cryobank has struck white gold with their new marketing department head, and this gusher shows no signs of stopping. We here at the Canterlot News Network want to wish Berry Punch and her daughter good luck in their efforts to ensure that sperm donor foals like Ruby Pinch are given a chance at life." Lyra shut off the television.

"That's all well and good for Berry Punch and her daughter," Lyra said, "But what are we supposed to do about jobs?" Bon Bon walked back into the room and spoke to Lyra.

"While you were watching another pony's success story, I was busy finding our next success story," Bon Bon said smugly, "During the news broadcast I went into the next room and made a few calls. I lined up a job interview for us tomorrow!"

"It had better not be at an applesauce factory," Lyra muttered.

"No, silly," Bon Bon said, "We both love talking to ponies, so being a telephone operator sounds like the perfect job. We can redirect calls and give information. It should be fun!"

Lyra grabbed the classified section and looked at the ad Bon Bon had circled. The ad read, "Help Wanted for Two Mare Telephone Operators. Must be discrete, professional and open-minded. Applicants should contact Frisky Fillies Fone Follies, a pay-by-the-minute phone service. Completely confidential. Reasonable rates. Excellent service." Lyra looked up at Bon Bon in disbelief. After their last job, there was no way she could still be this naive.

"They seemed interested when I told them I was an amateur voice actor," Bon Bon said, "They asked to hear my impression of a little filly and they loved it. I think this company must be the one that sends special 'get well' phone messages to foals in the hospital. Why else would they want a creative pony with a wide vocal range as a phone operator? I'll probably be called upon to help raise somepony's spirit with my voice."

"You're gonna' be raisin' stuff with your voice, all right," Lyra thought, "but it ain't gonna' be spirits!" As much as Lyra respected her marefriend, Bon Bon could still be bone-shatteringly naive at times. Lyra was tempted to inform her friend that she had arranged for them to become phone sex operators; but as Lyra thought about it more, she realized she'd be able to get paid for talking dirty. It was easy money... and they did need the work. As a prank, Lyra decided to not tell Bon Bon the actual nature of their prospective jobs. It would be more fun to watch her figure it out on her own. Lyra looked up at her marefriend, who was smiling at her excitedly. Lyra grinned. With Bon Bon around, these's no such thing as a boring odd job.

"Oh, boy," Lyra said, beleagueredly, "Here we go again!"