Clash of the Legends

Shining Armor refrained from emitting a marey scream as he scrambled back from the edge of the roof. Unfortunately for the trio, the barracks were one of the buildings balanced precariously over the edge of the mountain, so one false move and the unicorn would receive a free flying lesson. His temptation to go Assassin on the princesses was unbelievably high, and now they place him on the roof of a 1000ft drop? Screw stealth, maybe a LEEROOOOY JENKINSSS styled approach? He was about to wake up Aerlion Drift, when the brown furred pegasus lazily opened his eyes, green pupils sliding around gently in his sockets. His White mane flowing in the wind, he looked at Shining Armor.

"Hi..." he mumbled in a voice barely audible over howling wind and bitter cold. "I slept with Celestia last night." He motioned for the Blue maned unicorn to come closer, which he cautiously obliged. His mouth was no less than an inch from Shining's ear, when he finally whispered: "I shit you not." It was clear he was in a sort of trance, as he still had his pupils randomly floating about in his eyeballs, which had a glassy texture to them.

"Snap out of it!" Shining Armor yelled in his face, merely centimeters from the dased Pegasi's snout. Dishing out a morale boosting punch-to-the-face, he pushed the young colt off the edge of the roof, knocking off a few  tiles and spraying cloud moisture everywhere as his friend smacked into a cloud face-first.

"Ow." Was all Aerlion could utter before he fell onto the cloud.

"Oh yes Luna, right there..." Scorch muttered in his sleep, before rolling over and blending his fur into the tiles. Obviously, Shining Armor had to wake him up before he makes any weirder comments. He shifted over, being careful not to catch his hoof on any tiles. Anything so much as a stumble could trip him and send him to his messy death. When the stallion eventually reached the maroon unicorn, his mane was fluffed up in his face, but nothing too bad. A few gentle hooftaps awoke him, but much more violently than Aerlion did.

"SUNNAVA BEEETCH!" he screamed loudly. "Stop waking me up so abruptly!" Unlike the dazed pegasi unconcious on the cloud, Scorch's eyes were ever-so-faintly glazed a darkish blue. Probably the last chance Shining would ever get to smash Scorch-Mane in the face, so why not? It would be fine.

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Shining Armor, Scorch-Mane, and Aerlion Drift were brought to the throne room. There were now armed guards escorting the three colts, and all pointing spears. The three Princesses, who had seduced their way out of guards'grasps, were now sat atop thrones glaring at the stallion guards that were out of uniform. Aerlion and Shining were shaking in their invisible boots at being here. Only criminal scum who do scum-like things ever come here, and here they were. Scorch was trembling, not in fear but in pain. Shining had punched him so hard that he may have temporarily damaged the point in his brain at which language derives from, resulting in a lack of crap puns and insults. The three rulers looked down, each with different degrees of anger on their faces.

Celestia: "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed." (That's enough to make anypony soil themselves, believe me.)

Luna: This'll be all over the papers. Nice one, plotholes.

Cadence: The screams will be heard from Manehattan.

"So," Celestia broke the silence. "How will we punish you failures?" She levitated a champagne bottle from the golden bottle holder next to her, popping the cap and pouring 3 glasses out for all 3 princesses. Nodding at her and sipping, the other two returned back to their respective stallions.

"Ma'am, with respect, you began to threaten each other." Shining Armor was stood bolt upright with his gaze being blurred by sweqt cascading from his forehead. "We had to step in to defend all three of you."

"This is correct ma'am." Aerlion added.

All five pairs of eyes looked at Scorch, patiently waiting for a comment. Under such pressure, Scorch would break down. This time though, he held his ground.

"*squeak*" was all that came out, prompting Celestia to become more stern.

"Lieutenant, this is no time for humour." Luna growled. "Give us an explanation."

Scorch made another attempt, his maroon and gold striped fur matting with sweat.

"Brain...hurt. Voice...hurt. Talk...no." He forced out, before collapsing into a wrecked heap on the floor of the throne room. Another two guards marched in, saluted the princesses and left carrying Scorch. The whole process took less than one or two seconds. The door slammed, conversation continued.

"Wha-" Cadence started.

"Don't ask." Shining Armour finished, his eyes darting away.

"It seems we, once again, have reached an impasse." Celestia decreed.

"How?" Aerlion blurted. "We tried to force you to halt viole-wait, impasse? How will we solve that?"

"Are you two aware of the new weapons we have been designing for law enforcement?" Luna asked,  raising an eyebrow. Both unarmed guards looked a look at each other that said 'duh!' And looked back to nod.

"Basically, they were also created for practicing anti-terror tactics for my nightguards, the main point beong that the rounds will not kill, but simply stun."

The door burst open, and Scorch rolled in, landing on all fours in front of the other two guards in a sudden burst of physics-busting flips.

"FIRST!" He yelled. "Second, I guessed this would end in a training round battle."

The other five simply looked at him with looks of confusion and irritation.

"These thingummybajiggycrossbow battles work in teams of three or four. Basically the object is to eliminate the other team with victory secured for the survivors. Stunning is harmless, but paralyzes the part of the body that is impacted. For example, if I was to hit Shining Armor in the face, like so," Scorch suddenly produced one of the door handles from the door he had hit through and casually turned and cracked it into Shining Armor's face. He simply moaned, rolled his eyes, and collapsed in a heap without a word. Once again, two guards walked in to remove him but were quickly warned off by a threatening wave of a makeshift diamond club.

"Shining Armor would be out of the match." Scorch finished.

Silence ensued, before Cadence broke the silence.

"I-is that blood?" She quietly asked before paling.

"LOL NO." Scorch yelled as his irises shrank in an unnerving manner.

"More respect, trooper." Celestia sternly said.

"LOL NO...Ma'am?"

"Good enough." She sighed.

"Might we ask, how doth thou know of the matches? They have not been fully trialled upon guards." Luna cut in.

"Eh," Scorch blushed behind his fur. This would be hard to explain. "Ducks?"

"No time for humour."

"Quack. LOL."

"What does LOL mean, exactly? That is the third time you've used it."

Shining Armor had only just got back up. He still felt woozy.

"LOL stands for 'Laugh Out Loud', Ma'am." He muttered.

"OK, tangent." Aerlion Drift cut in. "What is your plan, your majesties?"

"Our plan is a training match. You three guards, us three princesses. We will open the arena, just we 6 in the area. You have one week to prepare. Take your leave."

"If we win?" Aerlion asked.

"You earn a 5 step up-rank. Captains." Celestia proudly decreed. The three guards looked at each other satisfied.

"Wait, what if we fail?" Scorch nervously added, halting the happiness and replacing it with suspense.

"If you lose," Luna said, getting up and approaching Scorch. "We do what we wish with you." Luna ran a hoof down his neck, slow enough for him to become incredibly worried.

"One week." Cadence spoke. "Dismissed."

All three guards turned and left, stepping over the broken door.

Now out of earshot and eyeshot of the princesses, the Shining Armor span around and deployed his front right hoof into Scorch's jaw. Aerlion immediately burst out laughing, his throaty laugh echoing down the grand corridor. The few ponies that dared poke their heads out of the doors saw Scorch laid out on the floor, with Shining Armor rubbing his hoof smugly.

But, they still thought of the match. So much, they forgot Scorch-Mane's worthless body, which was left in the middle of the hall.