Chapters Tales of a Pessimist Pony
Ouch… my head.
Not much of a surprise for me, but it still sucks that I wake up immediately in pain.
Seriously, I hate headaches…
Well, this is going to be a great day… I thought, clearly bitter by the fact I started off my morning with a headache. My eyes were still closed, trying to get more shuteye before I have to go to class. I try to relax to avoid getting a migraine and hopefully go back to sleep. A lot of people try to count sheep, listen to music, or visualize a peaceful scenario to calm themselves down for slumber. Not me though. I go static. Any other idea tends to distract me, aside from a small white noise, to which I find that the ambiance is plenty soothing and at a low volume.
To no avail though. I can't relax enough with this pain. I need something. Aspirin. Tylenol. Hell, Excedrin would really help right now. I muster enough strength to get up and get my way to some painkillers and avoid opening my eyes. Any light would increase the pain tenfold.
I reach over to grab my glasses, but for some reason can't reach to where my nightstand is. Funny, last I checked, it was still right next to the damn bed. Ah, I don't need them. I was just going to take some Excedrin and maybe grab something cold to put on my head and neck.
My body feels worse for the wear. I find crawling is the only comfortable way to get around. Why am I in so much pain? I asked myself. What could I possibly have done last night? I don't do much, maybe some basketball here and there, but nothing too major. I'm not a person to take huge risks like skydiving or cliff jumping, so some massive pain throughout my whole body threw me off. But the sooner I get some medicine in me, the better. Slowly, I inch my way over to my bedroom door, and prepare myself for the blinding of the century, as the huge window to my right brings in a lot of sunlight.
Instead, what I do is bump into a wall.
I open my eyes immediately. Right where my door should be instead lies a wall. Was my room boarded up? I turn around and analyze this even further. Where was everything? My posters, desk, computer, TV, my Xbox and PlayStation, dresser; it's all gone…
More importantly, where was my bed? What was I sleeping on? I walk over, my headache amplified with this confusion, and check it out. Well, this was no bed. A tarp and dirt is not my bed. I look around. Tools, hay bales, tarps, wood planks: this is a barn. Why am I in a barn?
One long since abandoned…
Rusty tools, degraded hay bales, torn-apart tarps, and broken wood planks accurately convey the atmosphere.
A bit worried and confused, I back out of the worn-down building. What the hell is going on? I thought. Why was I in a barn? Finding the door, I open it and am instantly blinded by the intense light. The ringing in my head resonates deeply and loudly.
Ouch… why do I feel so… lightheaded…?
Feeling regained. I see the trees now. A bit blurry, but I can still tell. I turn around and the barn is still there. Did I just pass out? From pain? That's a first, even for me. After that confused state, I finally get back on track.
Location. I thought. I need to see if I can find out where I am.
Still a bit weak from that strange occurrence with the sun, I stood up to get a look at my surroundings, but only for a good ten seconds, because I was stopped by excruciating pain in my legs. Writhing in pain, I attempted to cradle my leg, but couldn't for some reason. I couldn't reach it. Were my arms worse for the wear? Everything seems to be working against me. I thought. My head, my arms, my conscious, and now to think of it: literally everything. It certainly got my mind off my headache. And this barn. And everything else for that matter. God, this really hurts…
"What the hell's going on?" I ask myself. "Why is this happening?" Two questions that I can't answer.
Finally, the pain subsides and I can get up. Even though crawling might look normal to others, it's best not to try standing up again. I need to find some sort of mirror. How messed up am I? I look around to try to locate something. Ah, a puddle, that will do. I approach it and look at the reflection.
What? No, that's impossible.
I look around, trying to debunk what my eyes just saw in that reflection. My vision is still blurry. Must have been the damn sun. I rub my eyes with what I think are my hands but am instead greeted with some flat, hard substance. Where are my hands? The blurry image slowly begins to sharpen.
Into two hooves. With a dark red fur leading up to them.
My God… What?! Why?! How?! My jaw dropped. This can't be . I thought. There's no way.
This is impossible. Nobody could ever do this. This can't be real. But the pain, the ground, the barn, this body: it all seemed real. I could feel it. I had to face the facts: I was… a pony. I was one of them. I was one of these candy-colored equines from one of my favorite shows. A dream for some, and at one point mine, but being the cynical person I am, I wouldn't last one day here. They would up and banish me like that .
If I could've snapped right there, I would have. Damn hooves.
All right, this may be real. But then again, for all I know this could be one hell of a lucid dream. No sense delaying the inevitable. Time to assess the damage. I look in that puddle again. Looking at my fur, I realized that I lucked out. Big time.
Dark red.
Not an edgy color like black, nor an abomination like bright orange, nor a dainty one like pink. A nice, subtle dark red. Also, a smooth dark brown mane and tail. Phew, am I glad I look all right.
What am I talking about? I'm one of them. Nothing is right about this. Nothing.
Also, looking again, I see something else…well, the absence of two things. No horn nor wings. Out of the three types of ponies I could have been, I'm an earth pony. No amazing magic spells. No power of flight. I'm stuck on the ground for my entire life.
"Entire life"? The thought makes me sick. I'm not going to be stuck here forever… Hopefully…
"I've got to figure out where I am," I say to myself. Easier said than done. It seems to be all forest around this abandoned shed. That's why no one has touched this place. I thought. It's in the middle of a damn forest. Why was a barn ever here? Who would have lived here? I do a full circle and it's all trees. Peering into the trees and hearing various noises, I make a realization.
"This place looks dangerous," I say quietly, "I'd better stay here until I can…"
Right on cue, the barn collapses.
Christ, I could have been in the damn thing! What if I had been asleep longer than that? Looking back at the barn, or what was once a barn, I assess my options. "This doesn't bode well," I tell myself, "I can't stay here anymore." I faced the trees again. I must do this. I must leave this clearing.
Here we go. One step in and it is immediately darker. There are plants of many colors and small animals that scurry away from my foot, er-hoofsteps. The flowers and weeds grow tall in this jungle. Eventually, I pause and stumble upon these beautiful flowers.
"Wow, these ones are… interesting," I tell myself, "but why do I recognize these?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a bird fly right above the flowers and then land on a branch. I admire the sight of other life. It opens its beak, about to sing a song of its own, showing the other birds its music prowess, but instead clucks like a chicken. Well, that was quite an experience. I mean, where else could you see and hear that phenomenon? So why did it cluck like a chicken? Maybe I was hearing things. Or maybe it was those flowers. But how could flowers do that? Certain plants can make you suffer allergic reactions, but nothing like that. Why do those look familiar though?
Come on! Why do I have this innate feeling like I know what these are? I shouldn't have any idea of the ecosystem in here! Is this some kind of joke?!
…
Wait a minute, I remember now. That episode where they unknowingly ran into that patch of it. Poison… joke, I think is what it's called. So, in a way, it was a form of a joke.
All right, that's enough. "If that was Poison Joke, then this must be… the Everfree…" I said, putting two and two together. But now something else hits me: I know some of this world. But I did not know exactly where I was in here, nor could I accurately describe it. Well, damp is one way I can put it, everywhere I walk greeted by a squishy sound, as mud gathered onto my hooves. I tried to shake some of it off as I walked through this surprisingly dark forest.
(scrunch) Not looking where I was going, I walked right into a prickly bush.
"Agh Mother-! Stupid son-of-a-…" I began quite loudly. Brambles tend to hurt, especially ones on the face. I thought of some other words, obviously unfit for this land and its inhabitants, before remembering something about this place. It hit me like a ton of bricks: I shouldn't bring this much attention to myself. I could attract unwanted visitors.
(SNAP) Too late.
I hear snarling coming from behind a bunch of trees. A timberwolf? More than one, most likely. The beginning of "Piece by Piece" echoes through my mind as I now acknowledge what may be my short time here. How embarrassing. I get killed five minutes into this fantasy. Here they come. Three of them, it turns out, charging right at me. Run, damn it, run!
I got a good ten feet, but they end up covering much more ground than I do, not surprising though. Also, I am not quite used to running on four legs. The leader hits me with a lot of power. (THUD) Ouch. Right into a tree trunk, then into a pit of mud, and I scream in pain, face down in the mud, as my back took the full force of the blow. I get up, and try running again; this time with a bad back. Not a chance though, as one bites my back-right leg, his large teeth sinking a low blow near my hoof, rendering my ability to run completely useless. Agonizing pain then stops me in my tracks and I fall on the rough forest floor, screaming in pain.
I can't even walk, let alone get up and escape. Only one option left: If I play dead, they might… I started to think, but recognized the chances of survival, oh, who am I kidding? These things don't kill for sport, they kill for food. I'm as good as dead.
One more painful throw. I sensed it coming as one picked me up by their sharp teeth and cocked their head back.
(WHACK) This time into a stone. This one hurt so much more. I try to scream, but this time it just knocked the wind out of me and I couldn't. As I lay in the dirt, eyes closed in pain, unable to move and breathe normally, I hear the growling get louder and louder. Now, I feel the slobber of the middle wolf, ready to finish me off and begin his light snack. Defenseless. That's all I feel right now. I'm dog food. Closer and closer and closer they get, ensuring me that I will truly die. Their breathing is intense.
Then, it instantly stopped. My eyes opened at times, now with blurry vision again, and I could tell they looked back, stopped growling, and instead began whimpering. These menacing creatures are now cowering in fear. Something is scaring the hell out of these wolves, and I can't see it, but am not optimistic. Great, something bigger , I thought.
They start sprinting out of there; the scampering of the wolves grow more and more distant. Well, whatever frightened those things off, I sure as hell don't want to mess with it. Hopefully, whatever it is won't eat me. The wolves were gone. Well, now I just sit here and die, I thought as I let my mind slip in and out of consciousness, during which I see flash images.
One shadowed figure… coming towards me. The stone… is getting…. further away. Am I… moving? The sky is… becoming visible. The… moon. Night. Something… was dragging me... Probably to my early grave…
Tales of a Pessimist Pony
Chapter 2: Courage Comes In Many Forms
...
Rise.
...
Stand, my subject.
What's going on? Some sort of dream?
Listen to me.
Is it talking to me? I tested it.
"Are you talking to me?"
Of course I am, foolish one.
I look at myself. Still a pony, I see. Goddamn it. I address him: "No need to be rude. You're the omnipotent being here."
Shut up and listen to me. You must listen and follow everything that I am about to tell you.
I wasn't about to take orders from some mysterious talking voice: "Why should I?"
You will remain like this for the rest of your life.
That got my attention. "Wait, you're controlling this? Who are you?"
Stop asking questions. They'll be answered soon enough.
"So," I began reluctantly, and after a small pause, ask: "what is it that I have to do?"
You will meet six others. Your first objective is to befriend them.
"Well, what if they don't want to befriend me?" I ask him.
That's your mind and fear working against you.
He does have a good point. Maybe I don't allow people to enter my circle because I'm afraid.
No, people are scum.
"So, if I accomplish this task," I start, wondering what else was necessary to get me out of this hell, "Is this all over?"
A cold snicker.
Well, this will be a pain in the ass.
I told you that this was your first. Your second one will come later. How many steps does this guy have planned though? I could be here for an eternity! When we meet again, I will inform of your second step.
"Why can't you just tell me it now?" I ask him.
He laughs. Because that would be too easy.
Of course. I hang my head down and look around and try to debunk this experience one last time.
"How will I know that this is real? I could be dreaming right now."
I can assure you that everything you have and will experience is all too real. The white void grows black and the last words I think pass through my mind.
I'm trapped.
Before it all goes away, I ask this thing a question. "Before I regain consciousness, tell me who you are." Like hell he's going to tell me about himself. What's he going to do? Tell me his life story?
Nothing. "Or a name at least."
A long pause occurs before he utters the infamous pseudonym I will now refer to him as.
...
Tormentor.
...
I slowly come to reality. Blanket, pillow, bed. Jesus Christ, what an awful dream. What just happened to my unconscious brain? These are the dreams people get after an acid trip. Time to get up. The sun's up. Have to go to class. Damn, everything hurts. What did I do, win the UFC title during my sleep? As I pull the sheets away, I notice that dark red tinge. The blur sharpens and the shape takes form.
Two hooves. No. Not again. Wake up.
Goddamn it. I am awake.
Tormentor was right. This is real. He's real. It's all real.
One question comes to my mind, interrupting my original train of thought: How did I get out of the forest that night? I don't remember much. The last place I remember was some mud pit in the forest, about to get consumed by timberwolves, and then it stopped. Then, I kept blacking out. Well, that doesn't help.
You know what? Forget that for right now: Where the hell am I? A nice room. Two windows. Wood floor. Bookshelves. Not my room. I'm not much of a reader. Some pony's room, possibly? Whose is it though? That question would have irked me for some time until the figure is revealed in the doorway.
"Feeling better?" the pony started around the corner. "You were certainly in awful shape, and I couldn't just leave you there," she finished as she walked into view. I rubbed my eyes to get a clearer picture of the blur in front of me. I was still a bit disoriented.
At first, I couldn't believe it, but then it all hit me. The flash images raced through my mind again.
One shadowed figure… coming towards me. The stone… is getting…. further away. Am I… moving? The sky is… becoming visible. The… moon. Night. Something, I think… was dragging me...
Something… It all made sense now.
Fluttershy. Of course. I didn't leave the forest, she rescued me.
"Are you okay?" she asked me. I must have taken too long to respond.
Answer her, stupid . "…yes," I tell her, finally.
"Good. I was worried that I was too late to help you," she told me.
"Better late than never," I reply jokingly, "I wouldn't have made it otherwise." The questions keep entering my mind: How did she do it? How did I survive? Why her of everyone? But they'll have to wait. She walks in with a teapot and some tea. I graciously accept a cup, and after thanking her, I take a sip. Not bad. In fact, it's pretty good. Then, the questions come rolling my way from the mare next to me.
"So, what were you doing in the forest? Everypony knows it's a dangerous place to be, especially after sunset," she asks me.
I simultaneously lied and spoke the truth: "I'm… not from here."
"Oh, OK. Where are you from, then?" she asked, and then in typical Fluttershy fashion adds, "If you don't mind telling me that is…"
Oh, just pick a place from Earth. "I'm from a faraway land called, uh, Sweden."
She paused, "I've never heard of that place before."
Then some half-assed explanation why she shouldn't. "And you shouldn't. This, uh, very small island was founded by King… well, I won't go too deep into history." Maybe that helps increase this validity. But long story short, I left that island for many reasons. Unfortunately, being unacquainted with your land, I found myself lost in the forest, unknown of the dangers that lurked in there."
"So, you wandered in accidentally, not knowing where you were?" she asked, basically summarizing everything into one sentence.
"Exactly," I answered. That response was a lie. I knew what the place was, but I wasn't sure until I found that Poison Joke.
"OK, so, what's your name?" she asked.
OK, smart one, lie. Now. I had to come up with something. Fast. How about the pseudonym you use for games? Yeah, that'll work. "Zenith," I responded. To she had a strange look on her face. "It's a Swedish name."
"Oh, OK. I'm Fluttershy. I take care of my animals in my cottage," she responded.
I knew that though, I thought sarcastically, but replied back with, "Fluttershy. OK," I started, then with some quick thinking, added, "Again, thanks for saving me. I would have been dinner to those timberwolves if you didn't intervene." Hopefully, this will catch her off guard. Mission accomplished. She hid beneath her pink hair, obviously growing red from my expressions of gratitude. "Oh, um, you're welcome. I always want to help other ponies out when they need it," she told me.
Enough to risk your own life? That's thoughtful and considerate, but very foolish. Death wouldn't have been worth it just to save me. If only she knew who she just saved…
She continued with her questions. "So, um, what do you do? I noticed that your cutie mark is a shield. What does that mean?" she asked.
My cutie mark. I almost forgot. God, I never thought I would say those words. Really, I don't think that they could have come up with a more cringe-sounding name. But I can't sweat the small stuff right now. I caught a quick glance and, sure enough, it was a shield. Well, I have to make up a reason for it.
"It's for, uh, safety. I make sure items and peop-ponies are safe," I replied. Nice, totally vague and stuttered response. But then again, I'm not even sure what the hell it means, so whatever explanation I just gave is as good as any right now.
"Oh, OK," she replied, somewhat bewildered by my response, "I should let you get your rest; I don't want to keep you up with my questions…"
Good. No more questions. The less I reveal the better. But she is the only means of connection in this world as of right now, so I can't just delay what I need to know. Date, time, location, all that, so I reply to her.
"Oh, it's fine. I enjoy having someone to talk to." But that's not true in the slightest. I hate talking to people. But I have no choice; I need to figure out where I am, where the others are, and how the hell I got here. "I do want to ask you a few questions, though," I added.
"OK."
"Where are we now?" I knew this, but it makes me sound less strange. I can't look like I know everything.
"In my cottage, near the Everfree Forest."
"Why were you out in the forest? You just said it was a very dangerous place to be in at night."
"Well, I went to check on some of the animals I take care of, and once I got outside, I thought I heard somepony yelling for help inside the forest," she started. Well, yelling in pain, but that makes sense as to why she came in. "I was very scared of what it could be, but I gathered all the courage I had and ran in and found that those timberwolves were hurting you, so I stopped them. I couldn't let that happen to some poor, defenseless pony like you," she said as she patted my head at the end of her explanation.
Saved by the, in conjunction with her name, shyest pony in all of Equestria. Not the best start for me. But, I realized something; that was abnormally brave of her. She could have been in my place: basically on a dinner plate for three timberwolves.
In a way, I owe her my life.
"That… took a lot of courage to do that," I said to her. But why waste the effort? Does everyone's life matter that much here? Forget it. I continued. "You must have an amazing ability: to get your message across to any animal, right?" I asked her.
"Oh, yes. That's what my cutie mark represents," she said, with both her and me looking at the three pink butterflies on her flank.
"Well, it's certainly better than a shield." I told her, still kind of pissed about how vague mine was, "At least no one would question yours…"
"Oh, I think it's a great cutie mark." she told me, "It sounds like you must be brave to protect all ponies of sorts."
"Braver than going into a dark forest at night, with dangerous animals that you had to stare at face-to-face to scare off? This," I told her, pointing at my flank, which was under some covers, "doesn't even come close." Seriously, how could I be braver than that?
Her face reddened at that. Really? Another compliment and she's too humble to accept it. I need to stop being cynical and just ask questions.
"What day is it?" I asked. Hopefully, this gets a response that will help me.
"Today will be one week before the Summer Sun Celebration," she tells me.
"Sounds like some sort of party," I reply.
"It is," she told me. "I was supposed to make and rehearse some music for yesterday, but I wanted to make sure you were okay first." Great, one day in and I've already delayed her activities in this whatever-the-hell event she just mentioned.
"That's kind of you," I tell her. Putting my life at the top of her list, I'm not used to that where I come from.
"Thank you," she says to me, her face growing a slight tinge of pink. One small compliment, just one time I don't want you to…
"Well," her voice rang and interrupted my thought, "I have to take care of the other animals. I hope you don't mind."
"Go ahead. It's your job," I told her. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." She smiled at me one last time as she began to walk out. I know I've said this before, but it needs to be said again.
"Fluttershy?"
She turned around and looked at me again.
"Thanks again for saving me," I started and then added, "I'm grateful for your kindness and hospitality."
Her face reddened, again, "Oh, uh, you're welcome." Seriously, that's making me feel awkward. She then smiled, walked out of the room, and began to take care of the many other animals here. Two words enter my mind: "amazed" and "confused". Incautious, yet extraordinarily brave. Overly gracious and kind. Excellent housekeeper; full of animals and she manages to keep in under control. I take a sip out of the cup again. And she knows how to make a damn good cup of tea. If she hadn't had intervened, I'd be dead. If she failed to lure them away, we'd both be dead. Everything could have gone wrong, but she did it anyway. There's got to be some way to repay her.
"Fluttershy?" I asked from the bed, her being in another room.
"Yes?" she replied, not too far away from here.
"Sorry to interrupt you again, but perhaps I get better before this, uh, party. If that were to happen, would you mind if I tag along with you?" I ask her.
"Oh no, I don't mind. Of course. I would love the company," she answered back.
Well, that was easy. "All right, that's all. No more. Thanks," I called back. And now I have a guide around town. I leaned my head on the pillow and told myself something. If I'm stuck here, I might as well make it a bit more interesting.
Tales of a Pessimist Pony
Chapter 3: Major Angel Anger Danger
I recovered quickly, considering I was just about ground to a pulp in the forest that night. Four days and I'm back on my feet, er-hooves, I should say, again.I decided to get a better look at myself in the mirror by the door. Damn, sleeker and smoother than I pictured, I can't believe I didn't get screwed over. That sleek dark red coat and the less fashionable bed-head mane. I mat it down as best as I can and get a look at this cutie mark I only got to look at for six seconds.
A shield? Are you kidding me? What the hell is this?
I would have been angrier about this, but really, there are bigger problems than that. Plus, who else would get a chance to see themselves in pony form? I smiled, knowing that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
"Well," I heard a familiar say over my shoulders, "somepony's feeling better, aren't they?"
I turn around to see Fluttershy, obviously glad to see me better than when she found me. "Oh, uh, yes," I replied, "Much better."
"How's your leg?" she asked, "Can you walk on it?"
That timberwolf did quite a number on it. "Well, it still hurts, but I can walk just fine."
"And your back?"
"Better," I tell her. "I think all that rest really helped."
"Well, that's good," she told me, "I'm glad you're feeling better."
It's all too unreal though. I practically had my back broken on the tree and the stone. How could I be better in just four days? "I most certainly am," I tell her, and then add, "Thanks for taking care of me."
"Don't mention it," she replied, not turning red this time, finally. I guess by the hundredth time, she probably got used to it.
"Do you need anything? A glass of water? Something to eat?" she asked me.
"No thanks," I start. Then, I realize that while I'm better now, I should start helping her out in exchange for her hospitality. "Do you need help with anything?"
"Huh?" she asked, confused.
"I can move around just fine. I think it's about time you had some help around here," I reply. Honestly, she does everything here by herself? That's a lot of stuff to do…
"Are you sure? You said your leg was still hurting and you're not entirely better," she tells me.
"Don't worry. I'm fine. It's really nothing," I told her.
I've been bed-ridden for four days. It's about time I move these goddamn limbs. I still need practice to get accustomed to this pony body.
"If you say so," she told me as we walked out of the room, "I have a lot to do today, but I'll start you off easy."
I nodded. I'll do anything except…
She brought me over to the source. "You can start by taking care of Angel Bunny." That rabbit. That goddamn rabbit. Why does she even have it if all it does is be a jerk to everyone? He looked at me with those angry, beady eyes. An instant hatred sparked between the two of us.
"He can a bit of a handful sometimes," she warned me. A bit? God, you are quite the doormat." First, he needs to be fed," she told me. Sounds easy enough.
"But you'll probably need this," she added, as she handed me a book with a picture of an extravagant salad on it, as well a list of 20 step-by-step instructions on how to prepare it. And now the difficulty just jumped.
"All right," I say, trying not to just kill this rabbit on the spot, "what next?"
"After that, he needs a bath," she told me and then added, "and he gets bathed in there." She pointed to a metal container over by the wall, stood up on its side. At this point, I'd rather fake a leg cramp and crawl back into bed, I told myself, but this would be nice, and it might be one of the only chances to repay her.
"All right," I acknowledged her, "Anything else?"
"After that, the chickens need to be fed," she told me. Finally, something easy. "And, well, that's all I can think of right now."
"I can do that. And really, if you need anything else, just let me know," I told her.
"OK. If you don't mind," she told me.
"Really, I won't. But let's get started," I told her, "We have a lot to do today."
"All right, see you soon," she told me. I smiled and waved, then turned around to face that beady-eyed, white and fluffy leporine.
"Let's get this over with," I tell myself, walking into the kitchen for what I assume will be a nightmare.
First try? Nope. Second? Refused it again. Third? Not exactly. Fourth? Closer, but no. Fifth? Goddamn it, why bother?
I present the sixth try, and what do you know? He pushes the perfect salad away. Seriously, I spent twenty minutes on that one, half of it was rereading instructions for perfect placements. I sigh, and prepare to give up and call Fluttershy, but damn it, I will make this bunny eat, whether he likes it or not. I pushed it back to him. Looking confused, then angry, he pushes it back. Time to invade personal space.
Try being nice at first. "Look, I know you don't like anything unless it's perfect the first time, but you've got to stop being a picky eater. It's quite the inconvenience," I told him. He scoffs. Well, time to threaten.
"Look," I tell him, equally matching the anger in his eyes, "if you don't eat this right now, I will make sure you will never be able to eat anything for the rest of your life." He took it as a light threat. Now, I'm pissed. Time to pull out the big guns. Let's get physical, bitch.
I pick him up by his scrawny, white neck and pin him against the fridge. Now, it's starting to get to him. "Get off your damn high horse," I tell him. "I am bigger than you and could kill you instantly. The only thing stopping me right now is Fluttershy. She values your life. I don't. So, I suggest, instead of being picky, you eat your damn salad when prepared the first time, or you don't live to eat another one again." He nods, looking very nervous. "Good. Also, don't ever act that way to Fluttershy. Ever. You should have been grateful she kept your ass under this roof for everything you've done to her. If you belonged to me, I would have kicked your ass to the curb a long time ago." Man, this feels so good right now. "Third, and finally, and this should go without saying, don't fuss with other tasks. It doesn't matter what you don't want to do; it needs to be done. Understood?" He nods again, this time with a hard gulp.
Feeling satisfied with the amount of anger I lashed out on him, I let him go, to which he runs to the salad and begins eating. I smile at him. "Good. After that, we can get started on your bath," I tell him, and responds with a grunt. As I look around, I notice cans, bowls, and some food strewn on the floor. I never recalled this kitchen being this messy when I first came in. Well, I'd better add that to the list.
The kitchen now clean, I walk into the next room to get that metal bucket ready. Wow. That felt so good. In real life, I would have never even come close to doing that to someone else. I need to do that again sometime. Not just me, everyone needs to in this town. How do these ponies forgive that easy? Why am I finding all of this so frustrating right now? It's this damn place. They've conceived this place so that it can run this way. Jesus, it's annoying. Enough venting. His obedience will help Fluttershy in the future.
"Feed Angel. Check," I say to myself. This checklist just got easier.
No, my life here just got easier.
Much, much easier.
Tales of a Pessimist Pony
Chapter 4: Friendship is Tragic, Part 1
Author's Note
Edit: After a lengthy 2-second discussion with myself. I've decided to just remove the censors off of the swear words. If need be, I'll change the rating.
(Thanks to flutterboot for making me do some research! I was getting tired of typing "[BEEP]" every time. Hope this flows easier!)
Old author's note (if you really care): I'm censoring some words, for obvious reasons (to fit the T rating).
I encourage criticism and comments (to make me a better writer, tell me what you liked, didn't like, etc.). Only if you feel like it, though.
Chapter 4: Friendship is Tragic, Part 1
"How's that sound?" she asked me.
I was testing out various locations in this clearing, telling her where it sounded the best, but was immediately growing tired of walking around. "The acoustics were the best here, by far."
"Not too loud or anything?"
"No. The location is perfect." I lied. I just wanted to get to the music. That was pretty much the only thing I liked right now.
"OK. Let's go once through the song."
Finally, the setup was looking to be longer than the rehearsal. She gave a short count-off and the music began. Slow, steady, smooth, beautiful, clean, accurate, in tune, balanced; it was incredible. Impressive; this was only a few days' work. It was going smoothly until this dumbass blue jay got all cocky and went off doing his own thing, abruptly ruining the flow with a screech, like fingernails on a chalkboard.
She caught on to it. "Oh my. Um, stop please, everyone, umm. Excuse me, sir? I mean, no offense, but your rhythm is just a teeny-tiny bit off."
I was going to let her fix this, but another opportunity is another opportunity. Let's just see if he really knows rhythm. "Wait, send that blue jay to me," I told her.
She looked a bit concerned, but I reassured her that nothing bad will happen. "We're just going to have a little talk about tempo. Continue rehearsal without him for now."
She gave me a nod, and slowly looked back toward the rest of the birds. I decided to talk to him behind a tree, in case I needed to get physical again. "Look, I don't know if you understand me, but don't do that again." I told him, directly addressing the issue, but added some positive feedback, "Your tone is great, but staying in time and keeping the tempo steady is much better." Being a musical person, this pleased me to finally offer some insightful advice.
He didn't look too disappointed. So, either I did my job and he took my advice, or he was acting stupid and not listening to me. Truthfully, I should have taken a page out of Whiplash and beat the time into him. Ah, what the hell. "Were you rushing or were you dragging?"
All throughout the discussion, I never noticed that the music wasn't playing. Both the blue jay and I looked out from behind the tree. Well, I should have seen this coming.
There she is. Twilight Sparkle. Talking to Fluttershy. And Fluttershy is… responding back. Huh. I expect Fluttershy to, shall we say, shy away from other ponies. Expected the unexpected, I guess. Well, better waste no time. Time to meet Twilight.
[bonk] Ow! Oh, yeah. There's a tree here. I stepped back to shake the stupidity out of me, when a log suddenly trips me up, sending me into a pit of mud. Not again with this crap.
"Um, what's going on back there?" Fluttershy asked, towards the tree I was originally behind.
If this is my first impression, kill me now. I pulled my face out of the mud. "Uh, nothing. Just talking to this blue jay about staying in time," I responded.
"But the blue jay is right here…" she said back. Oh, screw you, you off-tempo, good sounding passerine. I cursed under my breath. Thanks for making me look like an idiot.
"I'll be there in a minute," I tell them.
Too late. They're here.
I get up to see the two ponies looking at me. Kill. Me. Kill me. Kill-me-kill-me-kill-me. Why? My head immediately fell back down. Embarrassed, covered in mud, head to toe, er-hoof.
"What happened back here?" Twilight asked me.
I looked up, summoning whatever shred of dignity I had left, wiping the mud from my face, and said in the smoothest voice possible, "Let's just say that the blue jay and I both had issues with timing." Twilight looked at me straight-faced and Fluttershy giggled, the latter understanding the context of the situation. It could be worse, I thought, all six of them could have seen me. I still have a shred of dignity.
"All right. Let's go home now. Looks like you could use a bath," Fluttershy told me.
And there it went… I hang my head down, trying to shield this embarrassment.
"Zenith, please come out of your room," Fluttershy pleaded with me.
I wasn't about to embarrass myself again. "I don't anyone else to see my face," I told her.
"Come on," she told me, "it wasn't that bad."
"Really?" I ask sarcastically, "I think falling into the mud pit was the worst thing that could have happened."
"I think you're overreacting," she told me. Really, Fluttershy? You're basically the epitome of overreacting. She added onto the previous statement, wondering how I got myself into that mess. "By the way, how did that happen?"
"I really would rather not talk about it," I told her. I think with everything I just said, she should have gotten the message.
"Look, I'm sorry that all of this happened," she told me, "but you shouldn't seclude yourself away from everypony just for this." Honestly, I'm getting tired of this hypocrisy…
Humor her. I sighed, "All right, I guess you're right," I said as I opened the door. "It's just one stupid act of clumsiness that I'm sure won't be my last."
"That's a good way to think of it," she told me. "Now, why don't we go out and practice the music some more?"
I sighed. I didn't want to go out there again, but if she wants me to, and I can help her in the process, I can't really pass on this. "All right," I told her. Jokingly, I added, "Just watch every step I take once I get outside." She giggled as she headed towards the door.
...
Stop looking down at the ground.
...Huh?
Stand up straight.
I stopped this slouch I was in. Who was this? Wait a minute, Tormentor? Can you read my thoughts?
Right now, yes. Get the door for her.
What are you, my mom? I quickly ran to the door and with a clear voice, escorted her out: "After you."
"Oh, thank you," she said somewhat surprisingly; most likely due to the sudden display of etiquette that just occurred.
"I'll be there in a second," I told her as she walked outside.
"…OK," she said hesitantly.
I closed the door and asked the burning question: "What the hell was that, Tormentor?" I said out loud once I reached another room, out of earshot. "I thought you were supposed to make my time here harder."
Did I say that?
I thought about it for a second. "Explicitly, no."
Consider this gratuitous of me. The sole reason for your arrival is assisting you.
"OK, but what was that sudden display of manners you made me do?" I asked him.
These small favors, when done consistently, will repay her.
Huh. That was quite profound. One thing still confuses me though. 'The sole reason for your arrival is assisting you. ' "Why did you bring me here?" Nothing. "Hello? Answer me!" Goddamn it, Tormentor! I shouldn't waste any more time trying to talk to him. I need to help Fluttershy in whatever ways I can.
...
'The sole reason for your arrival is assisting you.'
...
He's in my mind. He knows everything I've done. He's been in there since I arrived in the barn. Did he cloud me with confusion? That quiet, devious, persistent spirit.
"Let's go listen to some music," I told myself.
Pleasant. Uneventful. Unabashed. That's how this session went. The music was becoming extraordinary, dare I say perfect. Time to unleash it to the crowd. Cheering, screaming, the fans jumping around. Relax, it's a favor asked by Celestia for the Summer Sun Celebration. It's not a Daft Punk concert. Man, that would be hilarious if she asked some form of them to play there. I would totally go to something like that.
"Are you ready? We have to be there earlier to set up," she asked me, breaking me out of my imaginative daze.
"Oh," I started, somewhat startled, "Yes. I'm coming." I walked into the room and saw her carrying something strange.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Well, we need this so that the birds have somewhere to stand," she replied. Oh, right. Some form of bird-chairs.
Remind me to never use that term again.
"Allow me to carry it," I said to her. Another opportunity seized.
"Okay. Thank you," she said to me.
"No problem. That's why I'm here," I told her. But I'm not. Thanks to Tormentor's obscure phrasing, I have no idea why the hell I'm here. She gave me the metal tree and we began walking to Town Hall. This will be quite a night; well, morning. Technically both. The music, the catering, the lights, the guests. Wait a minute, aside from the former, the rest I hate. Why am I excited to go?
"Are you excited?" she asked, literally at the perfect time, "this will be your first Summer Sun Celebration."
"You bet. I can't wait to see what you've got in store for this," I told her.
"Oh. Well, it will probably be the same as our last practice," she admitted.
I looked at her. "Musicians always play their best at a concert. Tonight, those ponies will be amazed."
"Thanks," she said.
Boosting her confidence is another way to help, right?
The place was packed. These ponies really respect their leaders.
"So much for coming in early," I told her. "Regardless, let's go set up."
"Okay."
She led and tried weaseling her way through the herd, but was constantly stopped by the crowd. She came back and told me something I wouldn't accept: "Let's come back when everything's organized."
Time to bust some ass. I cleared my throat and delivered the following message to these ignorant partygoers: "All right everybody, I need you to move! This pony was asked by the Princesses themselves for the music. Not allowing her to set up will delay the festivities. You wouldn't want that to happen now, would you?"
One pony stepped out. "Just who do you think you are? You aren't security."
Oh, shut the hell up. You're drunk. "Want to ask that again? To Fluttershy's personal bodyguard?" I retorted, anger in my eyes.
He didn't listen. "On whose authority?"
Pull a page out of your incident with Angel Bunny. Let's do this. I pick him up and pin him against the wall. "By the leaders of Canterlot themselves. And they told me specifically to throw ponies like you out of this celebration."
"What are you talking about?"
"Have you not listened to me at all?!" I yelled.
"What are you talking about: 'Princesses'?" he said.
"Princess Celestia and Luna, smartass," I said.
"Are you okay, sir?" another one asked from in the crowd, "There's only been one princess in Equestria. Have you been living under a rock?" another pony asked from the crowd.
I stopped for a moment. What? Aren't there two leaders? Princess Celestia and…
"Today will be one week before the Summer Sun Celebration."
"I was supposed to make and rehearse some music for yesterday…”
"Oh my. Um, stop please, everyone, umm. Excuse me, sir? I mean, no offense, but your rhythm is just a teeny-tiny bit off."
Twilight Sparkle. Talking to Fluttershy. And Fluttershy is… responding back.
Goddamn it! How did I not realize this sooner? I'm in the first season. I dropped him back onto the ground and headed towards the door. This is bad. Real bad, I thought. I need to stop this. But how? I headed towards the door.
"Wait!" A familiar voice called out. "Where are you going?"
"Fluttershy," I told her, "that pony just reminded me of something very important."
"But why do you have to leave?" she asked me.
I can't tell her why. "Don't worry. Just enjoy the night. It's important that I get to where I need to be."
"If it's that important, then I should come with you," she told me.
I took a second to remember what happens in the episode. Her and the manticore. She can't go. "No. It's imperative that you stay here," I told her. "And when that purple pony starts to ask questions, follow her."
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
"Listen to me. Stick with her and you'll be fine."
She stopped for a second. "…Okay. I trust you," she finally says, with a hint of regret.
"Thank you. But don't…" I started but was interrupted by something I didn't expect.
A hug.
"Please be safe," she told me, "I don't want to see you hurt again."
I reassured her. "I will. Trust me."
"Okay," she said softly, her eyes sad and full of worry. I stopped for a second. She really cares about the well-being of others. She's the only one who doesn't resort to violence. We're complete opposites.
I'm a terrible person. Er-pony, I mean.
I make my way to the door and that pony makes his voice heard again. "Hey, got any other 'orders' from these princesses?" he heckled.
In the real world, I would just ignore him, but I have something better.
"Yeah. They told me," I started, and leaned towards him, 'that you can go fuck yourself."
(thwack!) And a punch to the face to seal the deal.
Holy shit. I'm fucking awesome.
I looked at his other friends and asked them what any person who had just knocked out someone would. "Anyone else want some?" A staggering zero ponies are up to the challenge. "I thought so," I told them, as they take their friend back into the party. The door closes behind me. Let's do this.
Bring it on, Nightmare fucking Moon.
Tales of a Pessimist Pony
Chapter 5: Friendship is Tragic, Part 2
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Tales of a Pessimist Pony
Chapter 6: Tickets, Master of Disaster
"The nerve of him to just kick us out!" I said in an exasperated tone.
"That could have been due to the stand you kicked over…" Fluttershy responded.
"Well, what was I supposed to do when he didn't accept the coupons you presented him?"
"Probably just calm down and talk it out…"
"That may work for you…"
"It works out a majority of the time."
"Okay, maybe I overreacted…"
"That's an understatement."
Both of us laughed. Fluttershy was going to be the easiest to "befriend" or whatever Tormentor called it. Our love for peace, quiet, and seclusion were our common interests.
"I did help him clean up, and apologize for it…"
"And that was nice of you."
"Still think he should have given us the discount. Never said anything on the coupon…"
"Sometimes ponies make mistakes…"
"And I'm not exempt from it…"
She smiled. "Right."
I looked around after that small conversation. It was a good day. No, it was beautiful, damn near perfect. The clouds were few, and the sun was pleasant. I may not respect Celestia all that much, but she does make a damn good day. Then again, the pegasi control the weather, but I'll give Celestia the benefit of the doubt just this once.
I made sure to help Fluttershy when I could, to pay her back for saving my life, although running errands with her didn't seem like much.
"Okay, first there was the market, then there was the…"
"Pet store," she finished.
"Right."
…
"How do you stay so calm all the time?" I asked randomly.
"Huh?"
"I don't get it. Ponies here frustrate me to no end, and I don't know how you can handle it."
"Well, I think there are better ways to solve problems without resorting to hurtful words."
"All I did was call him a 'selfish jerk'. In my book, that's pretty soft."
Fluttershy wouldn't have it. "Words can still hurt."
He deserved it nonetheless. But let's just drop it. I sighed. "I guess you're right," I said. And then noticed some familiar faces in the square. Twilight seems to be concerned. Is she okay? I was going to ask, but something distracted me. The source of it walked to Fluttershy and I with some suspicious looking golden pieces of paper.
She gasped. Are those what I think they are? "Angel, these are perfect!" she said.
…
Yes, they are. "Oh, God…" This is going to be annoying.
Twilight was trying to not pick a favorite. And I don't blame her. Her new friends were acting like jackasses. "Uh, listen, guys, I haven't decided who to give the extra ticket to."
"You haven't?!" Pinkie and Rarity both said in disbelief. This is just like mentioning the word "candy" to a six-year-old. Once it's said, it won't ever go away.
Fluttershy stepped into this hellish story. "Um, excuse me, Twilight. I would just like to ask, I mean, if it would be all right, if you haven't given it to someone else…" Wait, why does Fluttershy even want to go to the Gala anyway? She hates loud noises, and probably would rather stay in a quiet place during the festivities.
Rarity couldn't believe it. "You?! You want to go to the gala?"
Yeah, Fluttershy, you want to go to the gala? For what reason?
…
"Oh, no. I mean, yes, or, actually, kind of." Off to a great start… "You see, it's not so much the Grand Galloping Gala as it is the wondrous private gated garden that surrounds the dance. The flowers are said to be the most beautiful and fragrant in all of Equestria."
So, the garden is what brings her to that party. That actually makes sense.
"For the night of the gala, and that night alone, would they all be in bloom... and that's just the flora! Don't get me started on the fauna. There's loons and toucans and bitterns, oh my! Hummingbirds that can really hum, and buzzards that can really buzz. White-blue jays, and red jays, and green jays, pink jays, and pink flamingos!"
Wow, she has a solid reason. Hell, now I'd check that garden out if I wanted to.
…
"You must have a reason to want to go too, don't you Zenith?"
Goddamn it, they're all looking at me again. Why the hell do they care what I think? Are we that close of friends? Why do they all perceive me as such?
I sighed. "Honestly, I don't care enough about the gala."
Everyone looked back at me. "What?!" they all said in shock.
"It may hold some deep significance to you, but for me, since my arrival here in this new and unfamiliar land. I believe that the Gala is one party that I can afford to skip."
"But it's a once in a lifetime opportunity to get invited to!" Rarity chimed in.
Didn't I just say something about "your own deep significance"? Did they not just hear me? "Like I've said before, you have your own reasons to want this ticket into the Gala, but I have no reason to go to a party like that. So, Twilight, no. I do not have a reason to go."
"Ah-ha! I see that he's trying to snatch that ticket from you, isn't he Twilight?" Rainbow Dash said. Where the hell did she just come from?
"Rainbow Dash! Were you following me?" she asked.
"Uh, no."
Bullshit.
"I mean, yes. I mean maybe. Look it doesn't matter. I couldn't risk a goody-four-shoes like you giving that ticket away to just anybody," she added.
Oh, like you have the best reason. I'm sure the Wonderbolts would love your brash attitude and your cocky ego.
"Wait just another minute!" Applejack called out. Where did she come from?
Twilight was as confused as ever. "Applejack! Were you following me too?"
"No," she bluntly stated.
The element of Honesty here ladies and gentlemen!
"I was followin' this one to make sure she didn't try any funny business," she continued.
I don't buy it.
"Still trying to take mah ticket."
Oh-ho, so she's pulling the "I-saw-it-first-so-it's-mine" tactic. Don't think that it's going to cut it.
"Your ticket?!" Rainbow Dash said in her face.
Pinkie barged in. "But Twilight's taking me!"
Rarity joined in. "How will ever find my prince without this ticket? She must take me to the Gala!"
I looked at Fluttershy, who I thought would put her viewpoint in, but she actually stayed out. Huh, way to go Fluttershy, way to be an adult. But that wasn't the case for everyone else. All of them spouting their nonsense purely promoting their own self-interest. And it's giving me a headache…
I can't take it anymore. I grabbed the tickets from Angel and finally snapped. "Will everyone just shut up?!" And they all stopped, like that. Jesus, I can finally get a second to think clearly. "There is absolutely no point to this. All this does is lead to a downward spiral of jealousy, resentment, and hostility toward one another." You think friends would be would get along faster…
"He's right." Finally, someone who sees my point. "Girls, there's no use in arguing."
"But Twilight…"
"I have to…"
"This could be a turnin'…"
"I'll miss out on…"
"Quiet!" I cut them all off. "Twilight needs none of this pressure from any of you." In fact, she might need someone to talk to about this. "Twilight, would you like to get some lunch?"
I could hear her stomach growl in the distance. "I certainly could get something to eat. I can't think straight right now."
"I can imagine. There's a lot to think about." I told her, as we walked off towards the café. "I'll see you when I get back, Fluttershy."
She nodded. "Take your time."
I just hope those ponies stay away after what I've told them. Jealousy. Resentment. Hostility.
"Oh, what am I going to do? All five of my best friends have really good reasons to go to the gala." Twilight asked me, practically hysterical.
Oh, they're all just greedy and have their own reasons. "You don't want to disappoint any of them," I stated.
"Exactly," she responded. "I don't know what to do!"
"Have you made your decision?" a voice called out to the side.
"I CAN'T DECIDE!" she screamed.
"Twilight," both Spike and I said, at the same time. We looked at each other and laughed.
"You go ahead," he said to me. I had met Spike a couple of times during my presence here. Honestly, I don't know why everybody seems to hate him in the show. True, he isn't the best to start, but he's no Gilda or Svengallop.
"I'm pretty sure we were going to say the same thing," I jokingly said back. I looked at her. "It was just the waiter," I told her.
"Oh." She said, her cheeks glowing a slight red, "I would love a daffodil and daisy sandwich."
Then Spike. "Do you have any rubies?" Ah, his insatiable appetite for gemstones. To be fair, if I could eat them, I would. Some of them look damn tasty. The waiter shook his head. "No? Okay. I'll have the hay fries, extra crispy."
Then me. "Do you have any coffee?" I asked him. He nodded. "Great. I'll just have a cup of it. Two cream and sugar."
I'm still not fully awake from my experience here. A little caffeine wouldn't hurt. And it's been a while since I've had any. And here it is. Wow, that was quick. I take a sip from the cup and close my eyes.
…
Still in Ponyville. Damn it. Worth a shot.
"Is something wrong?" Twilight asked me.
They must have seen that somewhat suspicious move on my part. "Sorry, I'm still worn out since my… arrival."
"That's understandable. After what you've been through. I'd be a little tired too," she responded.
"How did you stand up to Nightmare Moon anyway?" Spike asked me.
"With someone as non-threatening as her roaming about with a faulty and unoriginal plan, it was simple."
"Wow, you must be really brave," Spike told me. "No one else would face Nightmare Moon head-on, by themselves."
Well, "foolhardy" would be a better word, but I'll take a compliment when it's given.
"Well, thank you. But you really should thank Twilight and her friends. They saved everyone."
"But you still helped them."
"True, but honestly…"
"Hey, listen. How do I choose?" Huh? Oh, back to the ticket thing. "And when I do choose, will the other four be mad at me?"
"Twilight…"
"I mean, I could give up my ticket and give away two…"
"Twilight…" Selfless of you, respectable.
"But that would still leave three disappointed ponies. What if I…"
"Twilight!"
…
"If it were me, I would just…"
"Your food." The waiter said to us, interrupting me.
"Oh, thank you," she said. "This looks so good. I'm sure everything will be much clearer once I eat. You were saying?"
What? "Oh, I was saying that I would…"
That waiter then interrupted me again. "Are all of you going to eat your food in ze rain?"
The hell? "It's not raining… what's going on?"
"Twilight," Spike said. "Look up."
Everyone looked into the clouds at the source: a light blue pegasus. Of course she would be the first to ignore what I just said before we left. "Hi there, best friend forever I've ever ever had." Ooh, real smooth Dash. Subtlety isn't your strong suit. "Enjoying the sunny weather?"
Thankfully, she caught on. "Rainbow Dash, what are you doing?"
"Whaddya mean? I just saw the smartest, most generous pony about to get rained on, so I thought I'd kick a hole in the clouds to keep her dry so she could dine in peace, that's all."
I decided to tell her the real reason. I called out to her. "You know what? I think you're just being extra nice just so Twilight can give you the ticket."
"What? That's ridiculous." She called back at me.
Don't deny it. "Really? Then why are we the only ones without rain?"
"Uh…that is…I was going…" she kept stammering.
"I think I've cracked the case," I told Twilight. I then called back up. "Yeah, so why don't you close up that cloud right now?"
Rainbow Dash groaned. "Ugh, fine."
"That's better," Twilight said. Then, rain began to pour, ruining the very lunch she planned to eat. Spike and I looked at each other and tried not to laugh.
"Twilight, it's raining," Rarity called out.
No shit, Rarity. What the hell was she doing here again?
"Come with me before you catch a cold."
Oh, hell no. "Rarity, wait!" I called out. She turned around. "Could I have a word with you really quick?"
We walked out of earshot of Twilight and I let her know what's up. "I know you probably have something planned for you and Twilight, don't you?"
She looked at me, somewhat perplexed. "How did you know?"
I laughed. "Lucky guess."
"What's your point, darling?"
…
"You are the element of generosity, correct?"
"Correct…"
"So, say you had two tickets and five other friends who wanted to go. What would you do?"
…
"And doesn't greedily wanting a ticket go everything against what you stand for?"
"…I guess I never thought of it that way."
I put my hoof on her shoulder. "It's ok. As long as you get what I'm saying now."
"I definitely do." She said to me.
"Thank you for understanding," I told her.
"You are quite welcome."
I walked back to Twilight, who was sitting in the rain. "Sorry about that. I just had to talk to her about something."
She grumbled.
…
"Why don't we go somewhere else for some lunch?"
"Did somepony say 'lunch'?"
…
Why did no one listen to me?
"You've got to be kidding me!" Twilight yelled. Stole the words right out my mouth…
"Applejack, please don't…" I started.
But that orange Earth pony wouldn't have it. "I got apple pie, apple fritters, apple tarts, apple dumplings, apple crisps, apple crumblers, and apple Brown Betty. Uh, the dessert, not my auntie. What do you say there, best friend?"
…
Nothing apparently. "Is that a yes?" she asked.
"Allow me," I told Twilight. She looked at me, probably too tired of everyone's shit to deal with it. "Applejack, do you honestly believe that the way to Twilight's gala ticket is through her stomach?"
…
"Yes," she replied.
Well, at least she's honest. Blunt might be a better word. But nonetheless, it's still incorrect. "I appreciate your honesty. But technically what you are doing is considered bribery."
A small pause occurred before she questioned me. "Yer point?"
"Let me give you a scenario." I cleared my throat. "Let's say you're a judge in a baking competition and you find a great baker with the best recipe, an easy winner."
She nodded. Where exactly was I going with this? "But say someone gave you, let's say, a gala ticket, in this case, to rig the competition so that they would win, even though that recipe was terrible. How would you feel?"
"I guess I wouldn't feel too good. That wouldn't be honest of me."
"But you have the gala ticket…"
"It wouldn't feel right…"
"Do you see how Twilight feels in this case?" I motioned towards her. "If she accepted the bribe, then she would have to live that same guilt."
"Wow," she began. Holy shit, did that work? I just made that up as I went along. "I didn't think of it that way…"
"But you get it now, right?"
"You betcha."
"All right. I'm going to take Twilight and Spike back to the library, you can go on about your business."
"I'll see ya 'round," she called back.
I nodded and turned back to Twilight. "Let's get you home. I take it that you've had enough for today."
She nodded. "I still don't know what to do…"
Well, if I can get a moment's peace, I can tell her my plan.
"I don't think it's that important, Twilight," Spike said. Same, but I would have said it a bit nicer.
"Of course it is, Spike," she responded. "I have to make a decision sometime." Here we are, the library.
I opened the door, and let both of them go in first. Ah, peace and quiet. But something doesn't feel right. I ignored it as I went to cease this meaningless worriment. "Maybe you don't," I said as I went inside and closed the door.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm pretty sure that Celestia would…"
Three knocks. "Oh, for the love of…" I went back and opened the door. Wait, what? I did not expect her to show up here.
"Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything…" Fluttershy called out.
"Not really," Twilight told her.
"Okay," she responded.
Oh, wait. She's going to beg too, isn't she? Goddamn it.
"I just came by to tell Twilight…"
That's what was off! She was supposed to be in here. Time to let her down easy.
"…that I don't want the ticket anymore."
…
What?
…
"I feel bad pressuring you into having to choose somepony to go to the gala, so if it makes it easier, I don't want to go either."
She must have been referring to me. "Fluttershy…" I began.
"What is it?"
I sighed. "I'm proud of you." A small tinge of red came across her face. "I was afraid that no one else listened to what I said back in the market, but I'm glad someone did." At least someone listens to my input…
"Well, thank you, Fluttershy, but there are still four other ponies that want a ticket."
I saw two more figures approach the door, the two ponies I gave a good talking to. "Make that two," I said. A look of confusion entered her face. "Don't worry, they're coming to tell you the same thing she just did," I said as I pointed to Fluttershy.
"How do you know?" she asked.
"You'll see."
Applejack went first through the door. "Twilight?" she called to her. "I'm sorry fer pressurin' ya. I couldn't imagine the stress yer feelin' right now."
"And I'm sorry too. I had something silly planned to shower you with favors so that you would feel more inclined to give your ticket to me. But I don't want it anymore." Rarity added.
"Me neither," Applejack added.
"Why are all of you not wanting the ticket so suddenly?" she asked. "What's going on?"
Before they could react, we all heard a trampling in the distance. Sounds like a stampede. We all checked the doorway. And who should be leading the stampede other than the party pony herself. So I did what any introvert would do in this scenario.
Stop and kill the party.
…
Okay, maybe that's just me…
"Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie!" I said repeatedly until she finally stopped.
"What is it?" she asked.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Well, I was planning to sing Twilight a song about the ticket, throw her a party for being a great friend, and then we'll go to the Gala together."
"But you know that…"
"…that pressuring Twilight into having to choose between five ponies would only make her more nervous and indecisive? And then these feelings of guilt would affect us which in turn makes us learn a lesson, giving us insight on how to become better friends throughout our time living in Ponyville in order to create harmony which becomes the basis of any lesson that we come across?" she said as she smiled.
…
What?
…
I'm not questioning it. I gave her a pat on her head and told her something after I sighed. "I hope you never stop being Pinkie."
"I'll always be me, silly!" she replied.
I escort her into the library. Well, that just leaves one.
…
Any day now…
…
And… there we are, I see that light blue tinge coming closer.
She barged right in. "Is it too late? Did Twilight make a decision yet?"
"Not exactly," Applejack started.
"We've all agreed that we don't want this ticket anymore," Rarity chimed in.
"Yes! That means the ticket is mine!" she yelled.
Oh no you don't, you selfish piece of… I can feel two of them holding me back as I tried to walk forward. They could probably sense my anger, ever increasing with every passing second of her celebration. Then, she stopped and took a look at all of us. Everyone but me with a "Really?" look in their eyes. I was, however, giving her a death stare, if she didn't comply with this pointless story.
"…you know, I haven't perfected my signature moves for the Wonderbolts anyway. I don't need that ticket either," she responded.
A sigh of relief went through the room. Finally, this one's over! This was a hell of a lot more of a pain to keep up with than I thought. Apologies were passed around and Twilight was beginning her first of many friendship letters.
"Spike, take down a note. Dear Princess Celestia, I've learned that one of the joys of friendship is sharing your blessings, but when there's not enough blessings to go around, having more than your friends can make you feel pretty awful."
I don't know, I'd take a lot of money over friends in a heartbeat right now…
"So, though I appreciate the invitation, I will be returning both tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala."
"What?!" everyone shouted in unison.
"If my friends can't all go, I don't want to go either." She finished. Nice work, book horse. Well done.
"Twilight, you don't have to do that…" Applejack started.
"Nope. I've already made my mind. Spike, send that letter."
A gasp of air and a quick exhale now send the letter to the leader herself.
"What was your plan to help me out with the tickets anyway? You never were able to finish." Twilight asked me.
What? Oh. "The same thing that you just did." She looked confounded. "I am pretty sure Celestia would under…"
Again, I was interrupted. But not by one of the Mane 6, but from Celestia, through Spike. Unbelievable. She has the power and foresight to piss me off, from another town too. A burp from the purple dragon revealed another scroll with a message.
"My faithful student Twilight, why didn't you just say so in the first place?" Um, because you're a fucking princess for crying out loud. You can't just be given something from a high honor, and then whine because you didn't get what you want. He finished. "Seven tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala!"
A collective gasp filled the room. "Now we can all go!" Twilight said excitedly, followed by a bunch of cheering from everyone.
I have had enough though. "Well, I don't know about you all, but I'm exhausted. I'm going back to the cottage."
…
"You can have my ticket, Zenith."
"No, he can take mine. He taught me a lesson I'm sure never to forget."
"If anypony's givin' up a ticket, it's me. He reminded me how dumb I was actin'."
Hold up, nobody's giving up a ticket. We just went through this…
"So you did convince them not to want the ticket?" Twilight asked me.
…
"Only by fair and purely hypothetical situations, but yes."
"You never wanted a ticket? You were just trying to help?"
"...yes," I hesitated.
She smiled for a second. But then threw a curveball. "Why don't you want to go?"
I've told them all this before. "I'm not much of a partygoer. Or a Gala-goer in this case."
"Just give it a chance."
"That's what you said about the first party."
"And how did that one go?"
"Surprisingly we-" I started. Damn it, you clever bookworm. You got me. "Touché."
"I wasn't the best at making friends to start, but I took a chance. You need to take a chance and open up your mind to the new possibilities."
Why? Why do they treat me as a friend? I'm not a very good one. Also, I don't remember the show being this deep when I watched it the first time.
…
Why am I so reluctant right now? What have I got to lose?
I sighed. "All right. I'll do it."
Another group cheer was in store, followed a group hug.
Too much sentiment, too much sentiment…
After that fiasco was over, I asked the most important question. "If there are seven tickets and eight of us, then how will we…"
Another burp and a scroll interrupted me for the final time. Spike opened it and read it aloud. "And one more for the grump Zenith here." Laughter then filled the night sky.
Fuck you, Celestia, fuck you…
Tales of a Pessimist Pony
Chapter 7: Applebuck Treason
Sometimes, it's nice just to be alone. A good walk around this strange town by myself is just what the doctor ordered.
A realization I made recently: this town is nice. When very few ponies are outside, at least. Seems like everyone wants to talk or something. Where I'm from nobody would just randomly talk to you; you'd think they're crazy. That got me to thinking. Why did people in my world just stop talking? It's almost like randomly talking could get you arrested. This whole social media thing that everyone got caught up in destroyed the way we talk. It's all online messages, fake emotions, and notifications. I remember just going somewhere and talking to someone.
…
I miss that. I thought as I sat down on a park bench looking a bit mopey and depressed.
…
"Hey, what's wrong?"
"Need some help, pal?"
"You need something?"
…
Okay, I do draw the line at constant, unnecessary kindness for no goddamn reason. I wasn't on the verge of suicide.
"I'm okay," I told a group of these random concerning ponies. I just needed some time to think! I can't think if everyone here wants to talk to me. And they barely know me for God's sake. "Thanks for the concern, but I just need to think alone for a while."
"You sure?" one pony asked in the front.
Do they target newcomers and shower them with undeserved kindness? Hell, if these ponies knew the real me, they'd run off just like that.
Hey, now that's an idea. Maybe I could… no, no. Let's not cast any more suspicion on me.
"Yes," I told him. My problems aren't for public discussion. "Go about your daily business."
As they walked off, each their separate ways, I contemplated my existence here. I kept asking questions, hoping Tormentor or something would enter my subconscious.
Let's think about this. Hmm, well I've only so far managed to stall Nightmare Moon, although it is possible I was unsuccessful. Regardless, that, and teach those ponies one lesson which honestly, I should have let Twilight deal with that. But they were being annoying to her to be fair. Quite annoying. But what about some other aspects of my life here? Well, from the fan standpoint, I'm in the show, become one of their kind, invaded the timeline, and am currently residing with my favorite one of them. Some would say that's living the dream.
But why do I hate it here? Why do I have such a negative attitude all the time?
Enough thought. There must be something more important than just contemplating my existence here. Try to dwell on some positive thoughts.
All right . Well, there's the fact that I helped save… I began but was distracted by the earth shaking below me. What the hell's going on? I see a few ponies start to run off, followed by what I believe was the entire town's worth galloping at full speed. Whatever it was, it probably sounded threatening. I finally look to the left and see the source.
Cows. A whole lot of them. Headed right for the town.
Oh, this will be good. I can only imagine that it would be like a bull in a china shop. Although, you know what? Bulls are rather graceful in china shops. So, it will either be along the lines of a cow riot or the greatest cow ballet this world will have ever seen.
And here they come in 3…2…1…
"YEEHAW!" I heard a familiar voice shout to my left. "Move aside, Winona. Put 'em up, girl!"
Honestly, I should have expected this. But also, I really don't give a damn what happens during my time here. Let's watch this play out.
Looks like a bit of teamwork is going on. Winona on the left and Applejack on the right, closing the gap. Now Applejack just lassoed the leader. Hmm, how does she do that with her mouth? Hell, I couldn't lasso if I tried. Forget that, how does this world function without opposable thumbs? Baking, farming, and pretty much everything here would be easier with…
"Look out!" I heard someone yell from the town.
What? Oh shit! Curse me and my inability to focus, during one of my many daydreaming sessions. Of course they run my direction. It's the only way away from the town. I'd better move.
Or, you know, just sit there.
Fuck me! Move, damn it! I jump over the side of the bench and quickly gallop towards the creek. It's going to be close…
[SPLASH!] Into the creek, just in the nick of time.
I have got to stop putting myself in danger.
"Hooie! Now what was all that about?" Applejack asked curiously about this strange matter to which the cow mooed in reply.
Well, what did you expect ? I thought. Not all of the animals here can…
"Oh my! Begging your pardon, Applejack, but Mooriella here saw one of those nasty snakes," the lead cow said back to which the rest started clamoring in agreement. "And it just gave us the willies, don'tcha know?"
… talk.
Sometimes, I forget that I've been suddenly implanted into a city full of talking, colorful equines by an omnipotent being whose sole purpose is to torture me. Who am I to say who or what can and can't talk? Also, how could a snake here be frightening? I'd expect it to get your mail or do your yard work. How can anything be scary here? It's essentially a world full of candy canes, gumdrops, and smiles for God's sake!
"I completely understand." Applejack told her. Well, I don't . "Just next time, try and stay clear of Ponyville."
"We certainly will, Applejack. So long, Winona!" that same lead cow replied, as they all walked off back from whence they came.
Now to get myself out of this creek and cleaned up, but it's proving to be tougher than I thought. I believe I've got my hooves stuck in the mud. Well, the back ones at least… "Come…on!" I grunt, trying to push myself out of this sludge. I look back and see that they haven't budged, then look back because something caught my eye. An orange hoof offered some help.
"Sorry about all that," she told me. "The least I can do is getcha outta there."
I chuckled and took her offer. One strong pull and out come my back hooves. I shake off the excess mud. "The least I could have done was to move out of the way sooner."
"I reckon, but what's important is that nopony got hurt," she told me.
"True," I told her, shaking the water off my coat. "But my wish for a risk-free day has just gone down the drain."
"You always find yerself in danger," she poked at me.
…
"You got me there."
She smiled at me, to which one came to my muzzle too. The ponies in the background chant louder. "Ap-ple-jack! Ap-ple-jack! Ap-ple-jack!"
"Go on. You have a crowd to please," I told her.
"These ponies always find a reason to celebrate."
"Tell me about it…"
…
Why do I find myself just admiring the scenery here? I could be doing something productive.
…
No. Whenever I try to be productive, nothing ever goes right. So, I'm just going to sit down and enjoy the day . I think, as a cool breeze softly flows by. I hear some birds chirping in the distance, not too loud; they're just quiet enough to be pleasant. The leaves brush against each other, their sound similar to applause. And for good reason, because today was a beautiful day.
I guess living at Fluttershy's cottage does have its perks…
I heard the door open. "Oh, there you are. I thought you'd be in your room." She told me.
I'd thought so too, but this was too good to pass on. "If it wasn't such an amazing day, then I probably would be."
She smiled then looked up at the sky, then back at me. "It is a really nice day."
I pat my hoof on the ground beside me, "We still have some time before we have to head back to city hall. We can talk for a bit."
She walks over slowly and sits next to me.
I still had no idea why we were going somewhere. "So, the reason we're going back out to town is…?"
"…To thank Applejack for saving the town from that stampede."
"That happened a week ago. Couldn't they have done it sooner? Like right after she saved them?"
"I guess so…"
I stopped my original train of thought momentarily. Perhaps they wanted this to be a special event? Why didn't they just thank her and reward her somehow? Well, she's a humble pony, she'd probably have no need for any reward.
"I guess it doesn't matter in the long run," I said out loud.
…
Silence.
Whatever was going to be said, nature stuck in with a whoosh of wind or crinkle of some leaves gliding in the air. I didn't want it to end, but I have to keep talking.
"I'm not a burden, am I?" I asked.
"Huh?"
"Am I a burden?"
"Why do you say that?" she asked somewhat in shock.
"Sometimes I feel that my pessimism and laziness are too much to handle." Oh great, one of my depressing monologues … "I feel that someone as kind as you would despise a pony like me," I say as I swat at a pebble. "And yet you still let me live here. I'm surprised I haven't driven you insane yet."
"I'm sorry that you feel that way, but it just isn't true," she told me.
"How so? Ever since I've been here I've been in the line of destruction and had you worried." I say with my head down.
"You help me more often than you worry me."
I slowly raised my head up.
She raised her hooves, giving examples of my positivity. "You help around the cottage. You help feed the animals. You spend your days helping me. I think that's pretty kind of you." She finished and put her hooves down.
A soft tap of her hoof hit mine.
"I guess when you put it that way, then…" I started as I looked at her, but she turned away. I could see a slight tinge of pink on her cheeks.
Goddamn it, why does your shyness have to be so adorable? Well, to be fair, I would have done the same if I was back home under the same circumstances.
"Then what…?" she said looking towards me again, the redness now gone.
"I…uh…" I began, putting my hoof under my chin, but I couldn't remember, "I totally forgot what I was going to say."
"Oh."
…
I kick another pebble.
…
You know, I just realized how much I suck at talking to people. Or ponies in this case.
"Why don't we head into town? It's probably time now." I ask.
"All right."
I can't wait to see what unfolds there, something's about to go down…
I hate crowds.
Okay, maybe that's a strong word. Fine, I strongly dislike crowds. Even ones with super happy, and occasionally apologetic ponies.
When is this damn thing going to start? Where's the mayor during this?
Instead Twilight walks on the stage, note cards at the ready. She shuffles them slightly and then greets the crowd. "Welcome, everypony!" as the crowd noise dies down. "Today we are here to honor a pony we can always count on to help in matters great and small. A pony whose contributions to—"
Rainbow popped out of nowhere to interrupt the speech. "Did you see Applejack's slick moves out there? What an athlete!" she says. Oh ho, for once her ego is pushed aside. Bravo, Rainbow, bravo. She continued her ramblings. "This week she's gonna help me with a new flying trick, and I know it's gonna be so awesome!" she said, her voice getting higher every word, and a cheek squish on the final word.
Part of me wanted to heckle something from the crowd, but I'll just shut up.
"Exactly. And…" Twilight began once her rant was over, and pushed her out of the way, to which Pinkie popped up in front of her, interrupting her again.
I'm getting a sense of déjà vu…
"This week, I get to run Sugarcube Corner for the first time."
"What does that have to do with Applejack?" Twilight asked her. Took the words right out of my mouth…
She thought about it for a second. "Oh! Applejack, one of the best bakers ever, is gonna help me."
She does make some damn good treats. She sent me an apple pie as a thank you to me for helping her and her friends out with that whole ticket fiasco. I don't know what she does to it, but it's amazing.
"Applejack makes everything great, so free samples for everypony!" to which the crowd cheered in compliance.
I could see Twilight getting increasingly frustrated with each interruption. She shoved Pinkie Pie out of the way and finished her speech. "O-kay, that's great," she started. "Now if I could just make a point without being inter—"
"Twilight?" a voice called out quietly.
"—rupted," Twilight said irritably. I don't know, I was finding this whole thing hilarious. It's all funny until it happens to you.
"Twilight, I'm so sorry," she began in true, apologetic Fluttershy fashion, "but I just wanted to mention that Applejack is also helping me this week with the bunny census, where we count up all the new baby bunnies that were born this season."
…
"She's gonna help gather them using her wonderful herding skills," she added.
…
Wait, why didn't I know of this? Why didn't she ask me for help?
"Anyone else? Anyone? No? Well then, as I was trying to say…" she started, trying to finish her own speech, but the mayor decided she would do that herself. Twilight groaned in exasperation and threw her note cards in the air: "Never mind!"
Being interrupted is pretty damn annoying, isn't it?
The mayor cleared her throat and addressed the crowd. "And so, without further ado, it is my privilege to give the Pony of Ponyville Award, to our beloved guest of honor, a pony of the utmost trustworthiness, reliability, and integrity. Ponyville's most capable and dependable friend…"
I would cue a drum roll here if I could…
"Applejack!"
The crowd went wild. Maybe a bit too wild, considering nobody appeared from behind any curtains or walked onto the stage. Soon enough, these ponies realized something was up.
Where the hell is… ?
"I'm here! I'm here!" she said from the back, barging her way through the crowd, bumping into many of the other ponies. She made her way closer to the front, then bumped into me and apologized.
"Whoops, sorry 'bout that," she told me.
"It's ok," I said. Something's clearly off...
She walked on the stage, over to the podium, and shoved the mayor aside. "Thank you kindly for this here… award thingy," she said, yawned, and walked over to it. "It's so bright and shiny and…" she started chuckling, "I sure do look funny." She finished, to which her and Pinkie Pie had fun with their warped reflections.
Albeit confused, Twilight finished up the ceremonies. "Okay, well, thank you Applejack for saving us from that scary stampede, and always being there for everypony."
Applejack yawned again, before giving her closing remarks. "Yeah. I like helping the ponyfolks and stuff," she said as she yawned again, and then started to snore. She snapped out of it and took off with the trophy, rattling off a quick thank you before dragging it slowly across the ground… for an awkwardly long time.
…
Smooth, Applejack, smooth.
Every pony started to leave and go about their daily business, of course not wondering what the hell had just happened in the slightest. Then, Twilight asked the burning question: "Was it just me, or did Applejack seem a little…?"
"Tired?" Rainbow Dash remarked. Bingo. Give this mare a cookie.
"Dizzy?" Fluttershy added. I guess… close enough.
"Messy?" Rarity added.
…
"Well, did you see her mane?"
That's what happens when you work outside, Rarity…
"She seemed fine to me," Pinkie Pie said.
Everything's normal to you …
While Twilight was wondering what to do, I already had a plan figured out. So I gathered everyone to tell them.
I cleared my throat and started. "All right. I need you five to gather around." To which obedient footsteps followed my command.
"From what I've heard, you , you , and you are getting help from Applejack, correct?" I said pointing at Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie, to which they all nodded in compliance. I took a deep breath and told them this simple plan. "All right, I'm going to be taking over for Applejack."
A look of confused faces encircled me.
"Now, wait a minute," Rainbow Dash called out, "I need the help from an athlete , not just some regular pony. That's why I said I needed Applejack's help."
I don't know if that was a jab at my physique or just being ungrateful at a request for help. I wasn't about to take that from her, but I kept my mouth shut anyway. I took another deep breath and asked her what she needed to do.
"Before I fill the sky with expletives, what is it that you need Applejack's help with?"
She retold her plan in more detail to me. "I need her to climb up this ladder and jump onto one side of the platform, launching me up into the air, and then I'll do my tricks after I've received this extra boost of speed."
What the hell does that have anything to do with being an athlete? "You don't need an athlete to do that," I told her. Why the hell does she seem to hate me so much? Surely, I cannot have pissed her off that much. Then, I realized something. What do I care? I can't stand her anyway. Her ego is goddamn annoying. "You need a similar mass to do that, like me, albeit slightly more than her." And to put this sort of ego of hers to rest, I chimed in with: "And by the way, I was one of the fastest runners in my, er-class, back in my school days."
She wasn't springing for this idea. Until Twilight chimed in. "Zenith's right," she said. "Just take the help. We can't let Applejack do everything when she's clearly overworking herself."
She gave in. "Ugh! Fine."
Thank God… one down. "All right. Pinkie, what do you need?"
"Well, she was gonna help me run Sugarcube Corner by helping me bake some treats with me."
I laughed. "Well, you're in luck. I happen to be a decent baker myself."
"Really?" a couple of them wondered.
For further validation, I gave another example. "Back in my younger days, to when I was a sixth, er-colt , I managed to cook, bake, and serve for some of the others for some time." A couple of ooh's and ah's came from these intrigued ponies. "I may not be as good as Applejack, but I'm good enough in the kitchen to bake my way around."
"Sounds good to me!" Pinkie said eagerly.
"And you, Fluttershy, need some help gathering rabbits?"
"Well, bunnies, but yes."
Same thing. "I can easily help you out with that."
She remained silent.
"All right! It is settled. I shall help you three," I told them, then added: "And Twilight?"
"Yes?"
"I need you to stall Applejack for as long as possible. Make sure to keep her away from everyone."
"Ok."
"Rarity?" I asked towards her.
"Yes, darling?"
"Are you at all busy today?"
"Well, I was going to get some more supplies for my new collection, but this is a far more pressing issue. I'll go with Twilight and help however I can."
"If you wouldn't mind…"
"Of course not, darling."
"Fantastic. Thank you. And thank you Twilight."
"No problem."
"Of course."
As Twilight and Rarity trotted off to follow my given commands. I addressed the three others.
"Rainbow Dash, you're first," I told her. "I'll help you both after I help her."
They both nodded as Rainbow Dash and I headed towards the contraption.
"You sure you got it?" She told me.
It doesn't a genius to jump off something. I must have really pissed her off, I thought. "Yeah. Seems easy enough. Just give me a signal when you're set up properly."
…
Sheesh, not even a response…
"Ready?" she told me.
I acknowledged with a nod. I have been acting like a jackass towards her…
"1…"
But her ego. Her goddamn ego is so painfully unpleasant.
"2…"
You know what? I can't change it. Or can I…?
"3!"
Fuck it. I jumped right after I made that realization: Stop caring so much about other people, er-ponies. They are who they are. The wind flew through my mane and tail, and after what felt like an eternity, a sudden impact of wood slowed down my fall, transferring my energy to the other side of the lever, propelling a light blue pegasus into the sky. Her speed was unbelievable, unlike anything I've seen before. Her accuracy, talent, moves, and agility were incredible.
Maybe she is Wonderbolts material…
After a solid minute of pure, nonstop movement, she came back, barely breaking a sweat. "Not bad," she told herself.
…
She did all of that and she thought that was OK?
"Rainbow Dash," I started, "That was the most incredible set of skills that I've ever witnessed."
"Huh?"
"I have never seen such dexterity and adept flying skills until now."
"You… really think I'm that good?"
"Absolutely." It's one thing to see this in a cartoon, but to see this in this alternate reality? It's absolutely astounding.
"Thanks… I guess…" she said sheepishly while kicking some dirt. Where was that self-confidence she thrives on?
"Are you saying you could do better?" I asked her.
"Oh totally! If you thought that was amazing, then climb back up there and let me show you something else!"
There's that ego I know and… can tolerate at this instance because it's totally deserved. "Show me what you got."
Test after test just kept getting better and better. Longer duration, more intense tricks and spins, and an expert sense on the landing would impress anyone. I especially liked the fourth test as I told her to do a front flip off a house and through a set of cloud rings I made her place, which further proved her swiftness.
After she landed back in her spot, both of us running out of breath, she asked me about her performances. "How's that?"
I paused for a moment before unleashing the ultimate confidence booster.
"The Wonderbolts would be privileged to have you."
"You think so?" she asked me.
"If they are as good as you make them out to be, and with the skills I just witnessed today, you'll be there in no time," I told her.
I could see her trying to contain the excitement, to which she surprisingly didn't just explode. Now, for a bit of depressing stuff. Hopefully, not too much of a downer.
"Look, Rainbow Dash," I started, to which her expression changed to make my solemn countenance. "I think we got off on the wrong foot, er-hoof here," I told her. Maybe I was a bit harsh on her the first time around, with all of this undivided anger towards her. "First impressions aren't my strong suit." Hell, is there anything that I am good at?
"Yeah," she said. "I guess so."
I sighed. I'm bigger than this. "I'm sorry. I've just been having trouble for a couple of years." Did I really just say that? Why am I venting to her? "Back in my homeland, my life just went downhill. But I won't vent too much. Long story short, I only saw the worst parts of you and judged you based on that. Every time you displeased me or, earlier today, denied my request for help, it just kept digging inside me."
…
"Sorry for venting. Just something I needed to get off my chest." I looked to my left and noticed a clock. Looks like it's time for me to help Pinkie Pie. "I guess I'd better go help Pinkie now," I told her as I headed towards Sugarcube Corner. I expected her to butt in with some egocentric comment, but she said nothing. Understandable. I've been nothing but impatient and brash, the same she's been to me. I can let this sink in for some more time.
I guess I'm more like her than I thought I was…
"Now Pinkie Pie, are you sure you're up for baking the muffins and running this store this afternoon?" Mrs. Cake asked concerningly. I would be a bit worried too if she was about to be put in charge. Brace yourselves, everyone…
Pinkie, being her ever-positive and spastic self, responded, "Yes-siree-bob, Mrs. Cake!" all while bouncing around. "Plus, I have my friend here to help me out. He says that he's an excellent baker. Why don't you tell them all about it?"
Way to put me on the spot, Pinkie. "Yeeaah," I dragged out. "I've been cooking and baking ever since I was young," I told them, but that won't convince anyone. Now it's time to lie. "Also, some of my desserts have received some high praise and accolades."
"Really?" Mr. Cake asked. "Then, I guess I feel little more at ease now. Because honestly," he stopped and took me aside. "I was a little concerned having her run the store herself."
"With her attitude and behavior, it could be cause for alarm," I told them. But I've got to vouch for her. "But also, some of the greatest thinkers in history seemed insane to others, but look at them now."
They still looked a bit worried. "Trust me. Pinkie is going to become one famous and amazing pony."
They smiled. "Okay," Mrs. Cake told me. "We'll see you both in a week!"
Pinkie and I both waved. "Have a ton of fun!" she told them excitedly.
"Have a good time," I told them, much less excitedly.
I sighed. Don't lose your cool.
"So, Pinkie," I started. "What are we making today?"
"Some delicious chocolate chip muffins!" she told me.
Phew, something easy, and almost impossible to screw up. I thought, but before I could even look up, she already had a bowl and her ingredients at the ready.
"All right! I've got the sugar and the eggs. Can you get the chocolate chips?"
Damn, she's fast, I'll give that to her. "Anything else?"
"Baking soda, flour and wheat germ."
Although I knocked over some spices, I was still able to get said ingredients. I hate these hooves. How the hell can she do it?
"Now that's gonna be delicious!" she exclaimed.
"I concur."
…
You know what?
"Pinkie," I asked. "Could I try something real quick?"
"Sure thing!"
"I might need your help."
"Oki doki loki!" she said following me into the kitchen.
As soon as I got set up, she and I teamed up to tackle my recipe. "All right," I began. "I need some flour, butter, and eggs." I was going to make something I have long been wanting for a while now. Something I always make whenever I want something sweet and delicious. Something that I knew I could make. "Then, I need some sugar, salt, and cinnamon." She obeyed my directions and got said ingredients in a jiffy. "Lastly, I need brown sugar, water, and some kitchen magic."
"I found everything but the magic, maybe you should ask someone…" she started.
"Don't worry," I told her. "Let's see if I've still got some of that left in me," I told myself.
I took a deep breath and took off. The dust and powder were in the air as I mixed the dry together. The mixing bowl whirring softly, crushing clumps of each ingredient to a fine powder. "Pinkie, set up that oven," I warned her beforehand. This timing needs to be perfect. Then, I added some liquids to the mix. This dough is starting to take form. It's working. But let's not get ahead of myself, I still need to finish this one out. As I turned off the mixer, I quickly started a new concoction. Stirring that into a nice paste, I brought it over and quickly set up a layer of flour and threw the dough onto the table and rolled into submission. I added this previous paste to the mix, making an even coating. I then rolled this rectangle up trapping it all inside. Now comes the tricky part, cutting these up equally. I found a slicer nearby, no use inevitably stabbing myself with those knives. I aimed with precision on the first one. Then, the second. Third. Fourth. Fifth. And so on until I had twelve equally sliced circles in front of me. I moved these onto a cooking sheet and faced the oven.
Any second now…
The oven made a small beep and I gave my order to Pinkie. "Now!"
She opened the oven and I charged at it, placing my recipe inside. I was finished.
"Phew!" I sighed after that ordeal. I leaned against a wall. I may take baking way too seriously. I just turned what Pinkie had made The Food Network into Hell's Kitchen .
"Is that it?" she looked at me somewhat concerned.
"Yes," I said. But wait… "Well, no. We still need an icing."
"What does that need?" Pinkie asked, hoping it wouldn't be another crazy runaround.
"Not much. Just some butter, sugar, milk, and vanilla."
"Like this?" she said holding the mixture in front of me.
I stood up, confused. "How did you…" The oven beeped again. Done already? These ovens must have some special properties with them. "Never mind. Drizzle this icing all over these." I told her.
"Wow!" she yelled. "Those smell soooooo good!"
I guess my reputation as a baker precedes me. "They'll be even better once you put that on."
We both watched as this slowly left the bowl and hit the delicious bread recipe. It covered each of the twelve tasty treats, solidifying a nice coating around each one. And now I'm getting pretty hungry just thinking about it. "Why don't we give our recipes a little…*ahem* taste test?"
"I'm way ahead of you, Zeni!"
I let her go first.It's make or break time. She took a bite. I saw her face go from perplexed to pure amazement. "I have never tasted anything that delicious in my life!"
"Really? Let me try that." I took a bite. Hmm. Cooked pretty well, sweet, tasty. It's all around good, but not anything special. "It's pretty good," I said, not wanting to brag about some decent treat.
"Are you kidding?" She started. "This is the best thing I have ever eaten in my entire life! I didn't know you were such an amazing baker Zeni!"
"What can I say? I try to keep a good reputation around ponies."
I looked down at my recipe, thought about something, then looked up and uttered my thoughts to the mare next to me. "Wanna get crazy?"
"I like the way you think."
"Every pony walking about, do you crave a delicious treat to satisfy that sweet tooth?" I started. "Do you want something delicious right now, free of charge? That's right, I said free of charge. Come get 'em while their hot! Muffins, pies, brownies, cookies, and more! Something new or something tried and true, come one, come all to this bakery extravaganza!" I said out loud to walking ponies.
Ponies stopped from their daily route to come try our samples. Ooohs and aahs for every baked item. Everything was flying off the shelves, Luckily, I had baked more of the popular ones in advance. I knew cookies and brownies would be big-ticket items.
"This is going super-duper well!" Pinkie told me.
"Tell me about it," I replied, boxing up a cake for someone, "These ponies sure do love some bakery treats." I paused and looked at this pony getting this cake and thanked him personally. "Thank you, sir," I said as I gave him his cake and he went on his way. "Oh, she's gonna love this!" he said excitedly as he walked out the door.
"Zeni," Pinkie told me from across the room. "You're smiling!"
I may not smile a lot when I am here, but right now, I have the biggest grin on my face. This is probably the happiest I've ever been. Making ponies joyous in this land that I was forced into. I guess it has its perks sometimes.
As soon as the bakery event ran its course, we spoke as we cleaned up the main floor. Pinkie told me to go and help Fluttershy, while she stayed back and cleaned up the kitchen. I wasn't exactly on board with that plan, but I did make a promise to Fluttershy. And I can't break a promise to her after what she did for me.
"You sure you have this taken care of while I? It's still a bit of a mess…" I asked her.
"Zeni, you did more than enough by helping me bake for everypony in town! Cleaning the kitchen will be easy-peasy!"
"All right. If you want to, you can." I told her and started to walk away. "It was my pleasure to bake alongside you."
"Me too! Catch you later, Zeni! See you around!"
I waved and walked away, to my next objective, Fluttershy and the rabbits, pleased to an even better extent than my training session with Rainbow Dash. Dare I say I had the time of my life. Pinkie Pie may be a bit loud and obnoxious, but she's tolerable to bake with. She's the second one here to make me smile. The first being Fluttershy. Whatever shy thing she does always manages to crack a small smile from me.
I did stay a little later than I anticipated at the bakery, but I don't think she'll mind. I'd still better hurry up.
Ponyville sure is an interesting place to walk around, when there's not the danger of a stampede of cows coming. I already knew all of these big buildings. The town hall, Sugarcube corner, and more. But the stuff that goes unnoticed in a usual 22-minute timeframe I find myself looking at right now. Maybe that's just me and my weird mind. I see a market to my left.Maybe I'll go and grab something for Fluttershy. It's a small favor, but anything that helps her out will repay her.
I swing open the door and I allow myself in. Hmm, a cute little market. Oats, hay, produce of many varieties, and other pony related things of the sort. I'll get a decent supply of food and head out. Now, where's a cart that I can load all… oh, fuck me, this isn't a goddamn supermarket on earth. Guess I'm just getting some carrots.
I look around the store for a couple minutes but can't find them. I thought I just saw the produce around somewhere. Lettuce, apples, flowers, no, not it, maybe I passed them…
"Excuse me," a voice calls from behind me, "I need to grab something from behind you."
I turn around and move out of the way of a magenta colored pony who then got her things. "Sorry," I quickly rattled off.
"That's all right," she told me, "I just needed to grab this for tomorrow," she said, displaying an apple momentarily and then putting it in her bag.
She looks familiar. Not like I'm able to recognize anyone in this town, but something about her was ringing a bell. I notice the cutie mark for a second. Three flowers with smiles in them. She's the… uh…
"Those fillies and colts can be quite a handful," she mentioned.
Nope, still blanking.
"But the looks on their face when I teach them all about this magical land makes it all worthwhile."
Ah, the teacher. But what the hell was her name? The hell with it. "Ah, you teach? Interesting." I started. "I've thought about doing something like that."
"Really?" she asked, "What would you teach?"
"Mathematics, probably. It was one of the few subjects that I excelled at. What do you teach?"
"Everything. I'm a schoolteacher over at the Ponyville Schoolhouse," she told me. "My name is Cheerilee."
Cheerilee. Right, I totally knew that.
"Good afternoon, Miss Cheerilee." I start, "I'm Zenith."
"A pleasure to meet you."
"Likewise."
…
"Do you think you'll pursue a teaching career?"
Here? Hell no. I need to get compensated for that. I can only imagine my reward for teaching the children is that I've learned with them or the precious memories I make or some bullshit like that. I'll humor her though. "I'd consider it." I shrugged and added. "I doubt I could find anywhere that would want me though."
"Oh." She said. "Why do you say that?"
I don't know why these ponies just let me vent to them whenever I want. "I don't know. There's always a better pers-er, pony for the job."
"I suppose so…" she started, but then asked, "but how far did you come along in math?"
"Calculus," I answered honestly, "But Algebra and Geometry were among my strongest."
A pause rang through the air. "Well, with that much knowledge, you'll have plenty of ponies wanting your expertise."
"Why do you say that?"
"Not many ponies here have a deep understanding of math of that caliber," she said.
"I certainly haven't met anyone like that yet," I said. Twilight would probably have an extensive knowledge of subjects like that.
"I'm sure somepony will need your help, as long as you get your name out there," she told me.
Hmm, could be an interesting way to pass the time until I get a ticket home. Maybe I should just teach until the end of time.
"Maybe," I said humbly. I'm wasting too much time . I need to hurry up and head to Fluttershy's cottage. "Sorry if I took up too much of your time."
"Oh," she started, "I'm in no rush." She paused for a moment and then inquired about my whereabouts. "Do you need to be somewhere?"
Yes, but I need her help for a second. "Kind of," I said, "I need to pick up something for my friend first." I turned around and looked through the whole store one more time. "But I can't seem to find what I need."
She smiled. "I can help."
"If you don't mind…"
"Maybe you'll have to drop by and give some of these fillies and colts some tips on mental math."
"I suppose I could. Are you sure they're not ready for theorems and series?"
One look shot down my idea of mind-bogglingly intelligent students.
"How about derivatives and graphing?"
She sighed. "I don't think these students could grasp math of that magnitude just yet, Zenith."
"All in good fun though," I told her. "Thanks for helping me find those carrots."
"Don't mention it. I know my way around that market."
"I do appreciate your help. Have a good day, Miss Cheerilee."
"You can just call me Cheerilee if you don't mind."
"All right. I'll see you around."
She waved and then went on her way. That was a rather pleasant conversation. I really prefer the student-teacher interaction. Master and apprentice. The wise and the learning. I've always respected most teachers and professors; they're rather underpaid for the shit they deal with. Then again, this town is full of ponies, so the children here are probably nice to their elders, but who knows?
I'm very late. I wonder if it's worth showing up to help at this point. Regardless, not going is not an option. I've pulled that card too many times in on Earth. Plus, these ponies are rather forgiving.
I feel the ground start to rumble slightly. I look to my left and see a few ponies start to run this way. Must be in a rush to get home. Something else catches my eye, a light blue pegasus and she yells something: "STAMPEDE!"
Not again. This time I'm staying out of the way. No danger for me. That first time was WAY too close. Thank God I dodged that.
Here they come…
…
Are you kidding me?
…
Rabbits? That's the stampede? It's an adorable march of hungry bunnies. A stampede should imply danger or destruction of some sort. Of course, gathering them will be harder. Those are some pesky, agile motherfuckers.
Or…
I grab the carrots as best as I can with my mouth and cock my head back. I have one shot at this. Here goes. I thrust my head forward and release the bag. Trajectory looks good. Distance seems fine. Carrots are now falling onto the ground and right in the middle of the street. Perfect.
The leader swoops in and nabs the biggest carrot, soon followed by the others fighting for more.
I did it. I'd pat myself on the back, but I'm pretty sure I'd break something.
I stand by the group of rabbits and wait for a familiar face to appear. Actually, there's two. A worried yellow one and a displeased orange one.
"I think I have them under control, Fluttershy," I said to her as she walked to me. "Although, I might have spoiled their appetite."
"Oh. That's ok," she said, her face still troubled.
I sighed. "I'm sorry I couldn't make it." I started. "I got caught up."
She ignored my statement and told me something. "Applejack wants to talk to you."
"I assume to thank me?" I said.
…
"You wanted to speak to me? I believe to…"
"How could ya?!"
…
"What?" I asked, confused.
"How could ya go behind my back?"
"Are you serious?"
"I made plans to help everyone out, and you go ahead and ruin it all!"
Ruined? "Excuse me? You're overworking yourself!"
"I did that whole orchard by myself," she told. Really? I did not think she could do it. "What's a few favors for friends gonna do to me?"
"A lot, if you keep tiring yourself out!"
"It ain't!"
"Bull. Shit." I heavily enunciated.
I think that's the first time I've cursed at a pony. One of the main characters at least.
"I still managed to help out Fluttershy, too!"
"Help? Don't give me that. THAT was helping?"
"Sure, it coulda gone better…"
"Ya think?" I said exasperatedly.
"All right," she backed up and dragged her hoof on the ground. "I've had enough of ya…"
"Hey, hey, hey!" Twilight intervened. "What's going on here?" as Rainbow Dash held Applejack back.
"Zenith here went over my back to help you gals out!"
"It's like I told you, you're tiring yourself out!"
"I wouldn't be so mad if you had—"
"Why can't you accept some help, you—"
"Enough!" Twilight yelled. She stopped to think about what to say. "Applejack, you did have a lot to do today."
…
"And Zenith, you could have asked Applejack."
…
"I think that we can agree that this is all just miscommunication. If we ask before we help, friends will be more inclined to assist."
…
"No."
"What?"
"No. You cannot blame this on me."
"I wasn't finished—"
"You were in on this. All of you were." I'm taking you all down with me.
"All of y'all were helping him?" Applejack asked.
…
Applejack wriggled free and walked away.
"Applejack…"
"No, I just… need some time to think for a bit."
"Applejack, I'm sorry…" Twilight tried.
"Leave me alone for a while," Applejack ordered.
Twilight hung her head and she walked off, while everyone else went their respective ways. Silence fell over the town. I was the only one in the middle of town. Night falls. A blanket of darkness covers this land. I look to my right. Half a carrot. So much for a productive day. I walk to a tree, lay down, and sigh.
What the hell have I done?
Author's Note
What did you think? Let me know! Sorry for the hiatus and delay and such. :(
Tales of a Pessimist Pony
Chapter 8: Griffon the Ever-Inflated Ego
Four days. It's been four days.
Avoid everyone. You've already fucked up enough to get everyone pissed off at each other. I sighed. I couldn't even go back to the cottage. I know she'd let me stay, but that just isn't fair to her. I don't want to alienate her friends to an even greater extent. I should have just swallowed my pride and let myself take the blame. Yet some part of me still believes that it's not my fault. Why the hell do I feel guilty? I just helped her out. She's acting like I stole something important or awakened some demonic forces by not letting her deal with some extra problems that I believe she couldn't handle. She couldn't. But maybe she could have. This is all just so frustrating!
Seeing you stew in your own guilt brings a smile to my face.
I'd be surprised if it didn't...
…
Wait, Tormentor? You sneaky son of a bitch.
Harder than you thought, isn't it?
I sighed. "No," I spoke softly, "I knew it would be difficult."
You're angry.
"Of course I am! Why the hell would I not be?"
Why are you angry?
"For obvious reasons that I think you already know," I told him.
I don't think that's entirely true.
I thought about that. "I suppose that I'm also angry at myself," I told him. "For breaking up a group of friends that are integral to save this world."
…
"And for letting my involvement in these ponies' lives boost my ego. I should never assume that makes me better than everyone else. This land thrives on kindness and compassion. It's not like everyone else does that here."
…
"And for involving myself in that mess at all. Leaving myself out probably would have been the best bet. I wouldn't even have to make amends with anyone!"
…
"And now I'm angry for waiting days to solve a problem that I could have solved much faster!"
…
"… the fuck is wrong with me?" I hang my head down into the ground. Why the hell have I just been stewing for days? That fixes nothing.
Now you see the error of your ways.
Another sigh escaped, muffled into the ground before I lift my head up and speak again. "Yes."
Then do something about it.
I really don't get his motives, "Why are you helping me?"
As much as I like seeing you suffer, I can't let you just avoid everyone. That's boring.
What are you, watching this live? Am I in some virtual reality controlled by a mastermind; a sick, twisted freak whose goal is to toy with me emotionally and physically?
"You're good," I reply coyly, "whoever you are."
…
And he's gone. Damn him and his omnipresence.
…
I get up from under the shade of this tree I had been calling my home, or at least my bed. At least it was comfortable for the time being. I stretch my limbs and get a good look at my surroundings, small building, and a few ponies walking around. I kept close to town so that I could have consistent food and water. It was a nice day, a bit too hot for me, but I prefer the cold, so it's only natural.
I walk into the town and was greeted by a friendly shop-pony, offering a free sample of alfalfa. Hey, free is free. I snagged a sample and told him that I'd be back again soon. That was a lie. I never keep my word. It's best to just lie straight through your teeth than to tell the truth to someone. More often than not, people don't care about your life story.
People don't. These creatures sure seem to listen. I wouldn't be surprised if they helped pay for your college tuition.
There are booths everywhere. Maybe it's some event? Whatever it was, there was a damn lot of food present, and it all looked delicious. Unfortunately, as generous and caring this town is, it's not a charity. These ponies have families to support, or businesses to take care of.
I feel the wind blow through my mane and look up at the trees to which the leaves brush against one another. I notice that one detaches and watch as it gently drifts to the ground. Almost immediately, I hear some noise coming from my left. I turn and then a much clearer, and as a matter of fact, a familiar voice, one I have been avoiding, not out of any fear, but rather sorrow.
"All right little ones, this way," the voice said as she looked behind her temporarily. "Mama duck, you're free and clear."
It was Fluttershy, leading some ducks down the middle of town. Lost, possibly? Whatever, they're in good hand… er-hooves , now. I duck behind a tree as to keep myself out of sight. I didn't want her to become distracted by my presence. She has a job to do.
Now I'm thinking, why exactly am I hiding? She won't be angry to see me; more surprised or shocked, but not upset. Well, maybe she will, she made new friends and I had to tear them all apart for no good reason. But, you know, she listens to reason. As do I, we're not much for talking. Maybe she's had time to think about this, and she knows that I have too. But, for all I know she could be completely different. She could have done a total 180. The next new villain for the series. All right, let's not be ridiculous, you need to make amends, and now's a good time to do it.
I take a deep breath and rehearse a short apology to myself. From afar, I hear another voice, this time much more harsh and aggressive.
"Hey."
"Please excuse me," says the quiet one, apologetically.
"I'm walkin' here."
I focus on the confrontation now, getting a look at the other's face.
Uh oh, I think to myself. This could be a problem. Griffons and ponies don't mix well. I start walking slowly towards them, just in case things get ugly. Nothing a little apology and a "have a nice day" can't fix.
"Oh, um," she starts, tears forming in her eyes, "I'm sorry. I-I was just trying to…"
Unable to finish her thought, this griffon decides to take things to a whole new level. Now mocking her, she finishes her statement: "Why don't you just watch where you're going, doofus?"
…
Ok, you asked for it. I think as I sprint to this fight.
Beware of your involvement.
Oh, fuck you, Tormentor! You've been nothing but vague and unhelpful! You only make yourself known just to toy with me!
Let's take this griffon down. "Hey!" I yell towards her, "Who the hell do you think you are?"
She replies condescendingly. "Well, well, well. Standing up to your little friend over there?"
Of course. "Don't you dare talk to her like that."
"Or what?" she replied, her front legs folded.
I hate you. I extended my hoof towards her, pointing at her. I honestly don't know what to say to her.
"We can make sure that meanies like you don't show up around here anymore!" a familiar, usually chipper, but in this case hostile, voice to my right called out. Thank the gods, it's Pinkie Pie. I almost forgot that she knew about this too.
"You guys are pathetic," Gilda taunts us.
"As pathetic as a griffon who treats other ponies like garbage, when in fact the only pile of shit here is you?" I tell her.
"And who steals food and money from others?" Pinkie Pie added. Way to go, Pinkie. Bring on the guilt.
"You spying on me?" she added, as the last self-defense. She was done with us. "This town's dumb. I'm gonna bail."
As she flies away, I turn to my right a thank this pony who literally just saved this town from a scrap that would have torn these booths to shreds. "Thanks. I was about to take some extreme measures."
She smiled at me. "I don't always agree with you, but one thing's for sure: Gilda's a super-duper, no-doubt-about-it, 100%-positive, absopositivalootly, grumpified griffon!"
"Yeah," I said, lost midway through the adjectives, "I hope we never see her again."
"Well," she told me, "She's not gone juuuuust yet. I have one last party to send her home with."
And a damn good one it will be. I remember how it turns out. "I'm sure it will be," I told her. "Go ahead and take care of it. I've got some other issues to take care of."
She smiled, nodded, and walked towards Sugarcube Corner. Meanwhile, I went to console a very concerned and scared Fluttershy.
…
"Hey," I said softly, offering a helping hand, er-hoof, "Are you all right?"
She looked up at me, tears in her eyes, some running down her face. I can tell she's trying to be strong about this; she's not one for confrontation. "Y-Yeah," she said slowly, as I pulled her up, "I'm OK," she finished, as she wiped a tear from her face.
Having idiots like that is common on Earth, but I have to make her feel better. "I'm sorry you had to go through that," I told her.
"I'm sorry," she sniffled, "that I wasn't able to defend myself."
"Listen," I started. "It's not your fault." It really isn't. A simple 'excuse me' would have sent both on their merry ways. But Gilda decided to take it a step further and insult and berate some pony that didn't deserve it. "Gilda's just a hardcore b…" I stopped suddenly and decided to say a much softer, albeit less accurate word, "…meanie," I cringed. "I felt like I needed to intervene. I couldn't stand hearing that being said about you," I added. "Some pony had to put her in her place."
She looked up at me. "Thanks," she told me, in a much more recovered state.
"You feeling better?" I asked her.
She nodded, with a small smile. Thank God. I'm glad I caught her before she flew off to god-knows-where. In fact, isn't that what she did originally? Ah, I don't remember exactly what happened.
"Hopefully you don't have to meet her again," I remarked.
That smile disappeared as she told me some bad news. "Well," she started, "I promised Pinkie Pie that I'd be able to go to Gilda's farewell party."
This might not end well. "Well," I started, "I can show a few ways to fight back, if necessary."
"But what if I…"
"Don't think about it," I told her. Excuses lead to paranoia, paranoia leads to stress, and stress leads to weakness. "You are strong enough to stand up for yourself."
She sighed. "OK."
"It's quite simple," I told her. "Gilda is never in the right. Every bad thing she does will come full circle."
"She is Rainbow Dash's friend," she told me.
"Sometimes you have to let go of a friendship once it becomes toxic," I told her. "Once things become difficult between others; any abuse or whatever, it needs to stop." I stopped, taking a short break from my counseling session. "I know her type. All they do is deceive, cheat, lie, and steal. Friends don't do that."
"I guess that makes sense…" she said.
"By the way," I wondered. "Who all is going to this party?"
"Me, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity, for sure, as well as some others," she told me.
"What about Twilight and Applejack?" I asked her.
"Twilight told us that she'd be too busy with her studies to come to a party," she told. Strike one. "And I haven't heard from Applejack…" Strike two. "…ever since the argument."
Strike two-and-a-half. Foul tip. I'm still in the game.
I have to get those two to the party. Twilight can't stay away and Applejack completes this group of friends, as much as I dislike her at this moment. "I'm going to see if I can change their minds," I told her. "Just go help Pinkie out for now."
She nodded, and we parted ways. I headed towards the library. This is going to be one tough mission.
…
Well, the library's not engulfed in flames. That's a good sign.
But it's also not good that she might still be in there. I could be wasting my time. She could be any number of places, but I'll start with her home.
I sighed, approached the door, and knocked.
…
A short while later, a small purple dragon opened the door.
"Zenith?" he asked. "What are you doing here?"
I got straight to the point. "Is Twilight here?"
"Uh, yeah," he stalled slightly. "But she's pretty busy right now. You need something?"
Yes, I need her to get to this party! "I need her to…" I paused. This won't solve anything, and it looks very suspicious. How in the hell do I cover this up?
…
I sighed. I know one way, but I won't like it.
"I came to apologize to her."
Spike looked dumbfounded. "What?"
"I want to let her know that I'm sorry for blaming her and all of her friends for being pawns in one of my stupid plans," I explained further. Even though you all agreed to do so. "I hope she can forgive me."
…
"Wait right here, I'm gonna go get her," he told me.
"Ok."
I waited a few seconds and pressed my ear to the door.
Spike spoke first. "Hey, Twilight."
Twilight, irritable, responded. "What is it, Spike?"
"Zenith's here to speak with you."
A small pause. "Why?" she asked, sounding confounded.
"He said he came here to apologize."
Another pause. "That doesn't sound like him," she said. True . "He's rather blunt with his actions and about as stubborn as Applejack."
"I promise. He's at the front door."
She sighed. "All right, Spike, tell him to come in."
Good start. Now to just swallow my pride and take it like a man. Or I guess stallion in this case. I'm still not used to this horse terminology.
I pulled back from the door and stood a few feet away, kicking at some dirt. Spike opened the door. "Come on in. She's upstairs," he told me.
I follow him in and took a look around. "Nice place," I remarked. "Looks quite cozy. Must be a bookworm's dream."
"Yeah, tell me about it," he said as we walked upstairs. "She's had me re-organize all these books seven times! By color, alphabet, author, contents, and even by synopsis!"
"She…knows these books inside and out that well?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said, "kinda nerdy if you ask me…"
"I'd say more…knowledgeable, but you live with her, so you might know better." I told him.
On the opposite side of the stairs, there she sat, looking through another book, jotting quick notes every once in a while, we approached slowly.
"Is she still mad at me?" I whispered to him.
"Well," he stopped talking and thought about it, "I wouldn't say she's 'mad'. More like 'disheartened'."
I chuckled. "Did she teach you that one?"
"When you live in a place like this," he gestured, "you're bound to learn a few new words every once in a while."
"I suppose that makes sense."
I lifted my head up and spoke to her.
"Twilight?"
"What?" she said sharply, not even looking up from her book.
"I know that I might be the last pers, er-pony that you want to see right now, but," I started. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry."
Not even a glance.
"I should never have even brought you all into my plan," I told her. "It was invasive, rude, inconsiderate, and dishonest." I stopped and felt a twinge in my heart. Do I actually feel remorse for this? I continued. "I feel bad for dragging you all down into something that was clearly my idea in the first place."
She stopped reading, I think. So, she might be listening.
"I never should have broken you all apart. Each one of you has a unique role in this land and I took advantage of a situation that I shouldn't have. And for that," I took a deep breath, "I am sorry."
…
I believe every word that I just spoke. This wasn't just some rehearsed apology. What the hell was I thinking? How stupid is it to quietly sneak around and do someone else's job? Especially someone with a role as big as hers! Why in the hell did I intervene?
"Anyway, that's all I had to say," I told her. "I'll show myself out now." I finished as I turned around.
…
"No."
…
What? Did she just say…?
"No, Zenith," she told me. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I genuinely asked.
She turned and looked at me. "For placing you as the only scapegoat in that plan. I should have been honest with Applejack."
"It's not your…"
"I was more concerned about preserving my friendship with her that, at that moment, I valued her friendship over yours."
"I still believe…"
"Never should one value a friend as such," she told me. "And for that," she paused. "I am deeply sorry."
All she wanted to do was preserve a very integral friendship that this world needs to protect itself! She could sacrifice me, what the hell use do I have? I sighed. She doesn't need to hear that.
"I forgive you." I somberly spoke with a relieved tone in my voice. "You were doing what felt right."
We came close and embraced shortly. "And I forgive you," she told me. "You've now reminded me of how important honesty is in friendship."
"Agreed," I responded. And now to begin phase 2 of this mission . "And I believe we've got one other pony to tell that to. Shall we?"
She smiled. "Let's go."
Sweet Apple Acres was within sight. We didn't have much time. Only about half an hour to be precise. We opened the gate and walked towards the barn.
"I hope she's not too mad at me after all these days," I offhandedly mentioned to Twilight.
"I'm sure she's had time to cool down," she told me.
"I know, but," I stalled, "I regret my certain choice of words to her."
"Even with the vulgarity of your word choice," she reassured. "All you have to do is apologize."
I sighed. "Whatever you say…"
I gulped once I saw that orange mare chucking some bales of hay. I hate situations like these. And I'm up to talk first. Great.
I took a deep breath and approached her. "Applejack?"
She stopped what she was doing and looked me straight in the eye. "Whaddya want?" she said angrily.
"I wanted to come here to apologize for my actions."
She picked up another bale of hay, seemingly ignoring my words.
I continued. "I never should have gone behind your back. Not only was it inconsiderate towards you, but more importantly, I was dishonest in my methods. I should never have lied and deceived the others."
She sighed. "Ah suppose that's a good start…" she said as she finished piling another bale of hay.
Twilight then continued our combined apology. "And I'm sorry too, Applejack." That got her to stop. "I should have been honest with you from the beginning."
She looked at both of us, the anger subsiding.
"We all overlooked one of the most important aspects of a friendship," she paused, "Honesty."
I continued, "My methods were deplorable and immoral."
"I treated my friends like objects and not like ponies," Twilight added.
"And I never should have involved myself in someone else's problems."
"I couldn't stand the thought of losing such good friends so quickly."
"So I…," we both said, unintentionally arriving at the same point. I let her explain, "Go ahead."
"What we were saying," she started, "is that we are sorry for acting completely untrustworthy towards a friend that encompasses such values," she finished as we let that sink in for a moment.
…
Her face turned somber.
"Applejack," I told her. "If there's anything that we can do to help this rough patch become easier, just let us know."
"We're here for you. We're sorry that you ever felt betrayed," Twilight added.
"Just-" she stammered, "just promise me that you'll ask before doing somethin' for me," she told us.
"Of course," Twilight said.
"You have our word," I added.
She addressed Twilight. "Ah'm sorry for worryin' ya," she said. "You must've felt awful about this whole thing."
"All is forgiven," she told her. This went way better than I expected. "Actually, Zenith, don't you have something else to apologize for?"
What? Oh. "I'm also sorry for, uh, using some unkind words towards you. There was absolutely no need for that."
She chuckled. "I understand. I was yellin' at ya for no good reason."
"I still feel a little bad."
"It's fine, sugarcube."
I think we've got the old Applejack back .
"Ok," I started. "We should probably head over."
"Over to what?" Applejack asked me.
Oh, forgot nobody told her. "Oh, just a party for one of Rainbow Dash's friends. Shouldn't be too long."
"Do we need to bring anything?" Twilight asked me.
I laughed. "Only some karma," I said, referring to what was going to happen to Gilda, while both just stared at me confused. I added, jokingly, "Well, maybe some snacks and soda."
Holy shit, that was difficult. I'm glad I got them all back together. Time to go laugh at Gilda at her expense.
…
Wait a second. 'Beware of your involvement.' Was he referring to this? Will something bad happen if I go to this party? Will it change the outcome? I thought about it. Of course it will. She and I will be nonstop arguing and there will be no time for her true colors to come out. She's an evil, manipulative, and self-centered freak. They have to be here without me. I turned around and began to walk away.
One pony chases me immediately. "Wait!" she tells me. "Where are you going?"
Fluttershy, I'm sorry, but I can't be there with you. "Back to the cottage if you don't mind."
"But what about…me?" she asked.
I sighed. "You're strong enough. You guys don't need us to argue through the whole party."
"Gilda will…" she started.
"No, she won't," I told her. "You have many others that have your back once she exposes her inner self."
"I know, but…"
"Listen to me," I ordered. "Out of you and Gilda, which one of you would save an innocent pony from a dangerous, wild animal infested forest by yourself?"
"I don't understand…"
"The point is," I paused. "Gilda wouldn't. She didn't. You did. Gilda's weaker than you. You have to believe that. She just got the upper hand for a moment."
"I guess…"
"No," I said. "You know."
"I know," she said softly.
"That didn't sound very confident to me…" I remarked.
She cleared her throat and spoke a tiny bit louder. "I know."
It's a start . "That's more like it. Now go and have fun. I'll clean the cottage while you're gone." She smiled as we each parted ways.
I arrived at the cottage after a short while. Man, I was exhausted after this whole ordeal. Maybe next time will be easier. Maybe next time I just have to read a book or sit on the couch all day.
Oh, who am I kidding? It's never this easy. I opened the door and a mess makes itself known after tin by the door falls over, making a loud bang on the ground.
It's never this easy.
I lean the fallen container against a different wall and gather some papers that had flown off a desk. One was a letter, or at least the beginnings of one. I hadn't done any writing since I've arrived here, mostly because I can't with these damn hooves.
I miss it…
And what better time to practice getting better than now?
Author's Note
Four months late, but it's here! Thanks for reading!
Tales of a Pessimist Pony
Chapter 9: Boast Buster Gets Hustled
Unicorns have it easy. They don't have to write with their damn mouths. And say what you will about hooves, but these things can't grab pencils. I've tried one hoof and two hooves, but to no avail. I miss hands. They make things so much easier.
The creaking of the front door echoes throughout the cottage. I turn and look and see and exhausted looking Fluttershy come through the door. The pencil still in my mouth, I ask her how the events transpired: "How wuf ba parry?"
A long pause. She looked over at me. "…What?"
I spit the pencil onto the desk. "How was the party?" I reiterate.
"Oh," she started, "It was fine."
Really? "No trouble with Gilda?"
"No," she started, thinking about it momentarily. "But Rainbow Dash had to confront her."
"For being nothing but an egotistic and arrogant…" I started but chose some nicer language to finish it off. "…bully?"
"Yeah," she responded. "Although it sounded a bit nicer the way she put it…"
"It probably was," I admitted. "I don't have the patience for those types of peop… er-creatures . They never change their ways." Especially from somebody who has dealt with those types of people every day. I was still curious about the party though. "The party afterward was still all right?"
"I guess…" she told me. "It was fun and games after that."
"Well," I started, accidentally hitting the pencil and knocking it off the table and sighed. I finished my thought: "I'm glad that you had a good time."
"What have you been doing since I've been gone?" she asked me.
"Writing," I told her. Be honest with yourself . "Well, attempting to write…"
"Oh," she paused. "What are you writing?"
Nothing legible, as evidenced by the multiple pieces of paper on the floor. "Oh, just anything that comes to mind. Nothing important," I made a list. "Doodles, ideas, stories and such."
"Looks…" she started, noticing the horrible scrawl among the several pieces of paper. "…interesting."
"Don't be modest, Fluttershy. I can barely read any of this." I told her. That just sounds weird. Quickly, I added the justification: "I… haven't been writing for years." I don't understand how anyone here except unicorns can write legibly.
Fluttershy kept the questions coming. "What made you stop?"
What sounds believable, but not outrageous? I thought momentarily, then spoke. "I… never really needed to write after my initial education. Boredom just set in for too long. I figured that now would be the best time to get reacquainted," I explained. I'm not sure how long I can continue to deceive anyone else here. I'm starting to feel guilty.
"Oh," she replied. "Well, I don't want to interrupt you…"
I sat up and pushed the paper and pencils aside. "Oh, you weren't. That's enough for today anyway."
She yawned, most likely beat from the festivities. I don't blame her. I'd be too. Anything social would drain a person unless you feed off that energy. So, unless you're Rainbow Dash, anyone would have had enough at a party. Or maybe that's the introvert in me.
"Look," I told her. "You've had a pretty busy day. Animals, Gilda, the party and all." I put my hoof on her shoulder. "Why don't you get some sleep?"
"Ok," she seemed all right with the idea, but addressed something important. "But I still need to straighten up the cottage…"
…
Right, I told her that I'd do that while she was at the party. Curse my procrastinating and inability to focus on important things.
"No," I told her. "I told you that I'd do that. Just get some rest." I can't believe I forgot to do that. Now I have to do it even quieter! Which is quite the task considering that there are so many things in this cottage that make a ton of noise if dropped or misplaced. I should have done it earlier. "Sorry for getting caught up in some… silly thing."
She yawned again and stretched her legs before walking off with some heartwarming words.
"If it makes you happy," she started, walking around and out of view now, and finished, "it's OK."
…
That small reassurance felt nice. She really does care about the wellbeing of her friends.
There I am, casually throwing that word "friends " around like I belong with these others. It takes time to become close friends with someone, you can't just thrust someone into a group and expect to all get along right away, but maybe this land is different. Maybe I'm too accustomed to my world. They all disappear at some point, making it feel like it's optional.
Everything about this world is so damn confusing. Friendships save the world, magic, and this whole weather thing about ponies controlling weather that I recently thought about confounds me. Why the hell am I here? Tormentor won't be specific. But I should be loving it here, it's every fan's dream come true, so why am I so negative? I'm just homesick is all…
Well, enough thinking, let's straighten up the cottage; starting with that desk full of papers and pencils. Looking at it now, I realize the magnitude of how much of a mess I just made. Jesus, I must have gone through twenty pieces of paper in the span of a few hours. Most of these were just tiny mistakes. I scowled. Damn perfectionist mindset. It's okay to make mistakes. I've wired myself to think it's not right when clearly that just affirms that there's something wrong with me. I sighed as I scooped up some paper and threw it out. At least I'm getting better at picking things up. Day one and I was a mess. Time sure does fly. It's been a few weeks and I'm slowly getting accustomed to this new body. Now it's just the small things I wish I could do.
Say, now that I think about it, how the hell did I cook those cinnamon rolls with Pinkie? That required so much precision and a lot of ingredients, not to mention I had to slice the dough up.
…
I'll chalk it up to adrenaline and luck. Tasty and sweet luck.
…
Run! Fucking run! Go faster!
I turn to look and they're catching up.
Why am I so slow?! It's like trying to run in glue! The more energy I exert, the slower I get. What hell am I currently living in?
At the end of the forest, I see Fluttershy looking off into the distance.
"…!" I try to scream with all my might, but I can't. No sound escapes and I slowly sense the darkness consume me. "Fl…!" I try once again, my voice choking the first syllable out, but not even being able to breathe.
I lose feeling everywhere when everything goes black. Laughing and chanting slowly fills the room.
"… you can't protect them…"
"… they hate you…"
"… you're powerless…"
"… fear consumes you…"
"… meaningless existence…"
The volume increases and the words echo to an unbearable extent. The feeling comes back, but only to torture me. My mind feels like it wants to explode.
Then, everything stops.
…
A dark voice rings through the air:
" You've been warned…"
Light suddenly appears as I feel myself falling endlessly. The faces of these inhabitants with glowing red eyes laugh demonically as I fall to my never-ending demise. Fluttershy appears as the final face, at first showing innocence, but an evil smile slowly encircles her face and her bone-chilling words to me resonate deeply.
" I should have let you die in that forest…"
I gasp for air and shoot up from the couch. The sun shines into the living room, the morning already here. To the right of me, Fluttershy looks concerningly.
"Zenith," she said, one hoof on the cushion, "Are you okay?"
I take a few deep breaths and gather my thoughts. Sure, I've had nightmares like that before, with the endless pits and inability to scream, but definitely not to this caliber.
"I don't know," I said, wondering about these things in my dream just now. I admit openly, "I've never had a nightmare that extreme before."
"A nightmare?" she asked. "What was it about?"
There is no way in hell that I'm telling her what just happened. At least not right now. I trust her, but this is just too damn dark and worrisome for her right now.
"I'd… rather not talk about it right now. It's…" I contemplated describing it but decided against it. "Maybe later."
Her head drooped slightly. "Oh," she said, a sad look on her face.
"Sorry," I said. "It's just kinda… personal."
She nodded slightly. "I understand," she told me. "But if you need somepony to talk to…"
"You will always be the first I turn to," I interrupted her, putting my hoof on her shoulder.
She smiled.
"Besides, I can't stand anyone else in this town," I remarked dryly. "Save for your friends…"
That got a laugh out of her.
"They're your friends too…" she told me.
"Please, all I've done is worry everyone here, intrude myself in others' affairs, and nearly died." I shake my head. "Doesn't sound like a good friend to me…"
She looked at me. "Don't be too hard on yourself," she spoke. "Things could have gone better, but everything's okay for now. I heard you made amends with Applejack."
It wasn't what I originally planned to do, but at that moment, it felt right to just swallow my pride and admit my wrongdoings. In fact, now that I think about it, my initial plan was really fucking stupid. How would I have done it? Hey, both of you need to go to this party or the world goes to hell reeeeal quick. That certainly would have left a whole lot more questions than answers. Considering that my backup plan was impromptu, it's a miracle how everything transpired perfectly.
"Indeed," I acknowledged, finally getting up off the couch. "It went better than I could have possibly imagined."
"Really?" she inquired, with an intrigued tone. "How?"
"Well," I sheepishly admit, "I thought that I'd probably have been beaten to a pulp and mailed back to my homeland. But I managed to make amends with Twilight beforehand, and we both somehow were able to reason with her, apologize, and convince her to come."
"Sounds like…" she started, stifled by her attempt to carry a heavy bag of carrots. I quickly get up and assist her. She continues, "…it was a productive day."
"Absolutely."
…
"I still wish… that you could have made it to the party…" she told me.
Was the party that big of a deal? Was Gilda really that much of a bitch?
"Believe me," I told her, "I would have loved to just enjoy a night without any problems, but," I paused, as we both put the bag down in the kitchen, "Gilda and I would have just ruined the night."
"I don't think that would have happened…"
"Regardless of my absence," I said, adding a bit of comfort to this next remark, "I don't think Gilda will be coming to Ponyville anytime soon." She'll have some time to think about what she did.
"I guess…" she remarked, now looking around for another small chore to do. "I was still a bit nervous to see her at the party."
I can relate. There have been plenty of times that I didn't want to face any adversaries in my younger days, but it had to be done.
"That's OK," I told her. "You just need to be a little more prepared to defend yourself."
She looked away from me, letting out a small sigh.
"I promise you, the next time someone confronts you, you'll be ready."
That got a small smile from her.
Three knocks prompt both of us to look towards the front door, to which I wander over and open it.
…
No one.
…
"Hello?" I call out to the empty space in front of me, looking around for anybody.
Hmph. I close the door. Damn pranksters. The nerve of them to- my thoughts were interrupted by a crinkle of paper. I look down and pick up this brightly colored advertisement. They must have slid it under or maybe it fell off the door.
ASTONISHING ILLUSIONS! MIND-BOGGLING TRICKS! AMAZING MAGIC EVERY TIME!
Oh, these. I've had enough of these stupid things.
"What is it?" Fluttershy asked me.
"Oh, just some ad for a magic show," I dismissively remark. "I'm serious. One of these days, I'm going to send a very strongly worded letter to-" I started, cut off by the most important part that I seemingly glanced over.
PERFORMED BY THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!
"Oh, goddamn it…" I mutter under my breath.
Will I ever get a break?
There are so many ponies in this crowd. Must be fans of magic. Hell, count me in.
But for now, I don't understand unicorns. Can't they do everything she can do? It's all just smoke and mirrors to me. Then again, this world does thrive on actual magic. Does she really possess a stronger one? Probably not a "Twilight-Sparkle-tier" magic; no one rivals that.
At least not yet…
"Come one, come all!" her voice rang through loudspeakers out to the crowd. "Come and witness the amazing magic of the Great and Powerful Trixie!"
I can do without the amplification, thank you. I have enough of a headache already.
I sighed. I should have just stayed at the cottage with Fluttershy. But part of me wanted to see Trixie perform. Call me whatever you like, but I think she possesses quite some talent. She is, however, right now, an egotistic braggart.
…
That didn't sound like me at all. Let's try that again.
She's a bitch for right now…
Much better. Skewed as my definition of better may be…
Her voice echoed loudly again. "Watch in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!" Followed by a grand entrance to top things off.
I clapped my hooves together. Regardless of her attitude right now, she's just performing and I like what I'm seeing.
"Come on, Zenith!" a baby dragon's voice came from my left. "You can't possibly think what she's doing is 'amazing' and 'spectacular', can you?"
"Honestly, Spike, I wouldn't be a good judge for that," I told him, "I never really have seen any magic until I met your friends."
Both Twilight and Spike looked confused. Yeah, that didn't sound weird at all...
"It… was an earth pony predominant society," I made up. "Just the way things were over there. It was rare to find a unicorn of that caliber."
Vague as that was, they bought it. Spike spoke up again, "But you have to admit that she's being a little over the top right now."
Oh, I concur, Spike. But performing is performing to me.
"I suppose," Twilight began, then asked something about this new face in town, "but there's nothing wrong with being talented, is there?"
"I don't think so," I remarked. I think talent should be displayed properly for many to see. Keyword: properly .
"Nothin' at all," Applejack added. "Cep'n when someone goes around showin' it off like a school filly with fancy new ribbons."
"She… does have a point," I agreed. "You can be talented and humble." I looked to my right at the unicorn that exemplified those traits perfectly. "Like Twilight here…"
She blushed slightly. "Well," she began, "I certainly don't think I'm the best…"
I let out a small laugh. "Don't sell yourself short," I told her. "I think that you have a lot of potential and skill." I looked over to the loudmouth on stage and pointed at her. "She's all talk and just a below-average illusionist."
"But how can you be so sure?" she asked me.
"I can't."
"Somepony's got to put her in her place before I go crazy!" Spike yelled.
"Hm…" I began, lost in thought about how I was going to prove that she was just exacerbating her talents. I honestly don't know. I'd rather not let an Ursa minor or major into this town, and I don't want to get one-uped by Trixie. What the hell should I do to prevent this from happening?
…
Then, I got an idea.
An awful idea.
A wonderful , awful idea.
"I've got it," I told them. This is seriously a stupid idea, but it just might work. "All I need is for you to summon a smoke cloud when I give you a signal. Can you do that?"
Twilight nodded in compliance, albeit still wary to my plan. "But what's the signal?"
I'll rattle off some bullshit speech, then just use a code word. "When I say 'vanish', wait three seconds, then summon it," I told her, "Got it?"
"Okay…" she lingered, still hesitant.
"Move to the back of the crowd," I added. "You'll draw less suspicion as well."
"What are you planning to do?" she worryingly asked me. "You're not going to do anything hurtful, are you?"
"Oh no," I assured her. "Just an ego bruiser."
All this time, I hadn't realized Rainbow Dash, Spike, and Rarity had been heckling at Trixie from the crowd, prompting her to acknowledge them. Better swoop in and save the day, which means my cue was rapidly approaching. My plan still in the beta stage, I rehearse it quickly to myself.
"Who is so ignorant as to challenge the Great and Powerful Trixie?"
There it is. Let's go.
"I am."
"You?" she said in disbelief.
…
"You're joking, right?" she added.
Honestly, yes, but what I'm doing might shut you up. "In all seriousness, Trixie," I cleared my throat, "I just want to show you one trick, if I may."
"Please," she grinned, a sinister look in her eyes. "Enlighten the Great And Powerful Trixie."
I matched her expression as I climbed onto the stage. Oh, I will.
Okay, time to bullshit everyone. "In this trick, I will make myself and one item disappear. It will be up to you to figure out what it is."
"A basic trick for one such as me," she said, yawning. "But seeing you fail this should be interesting."
I cleared my throat. "Watch closely," I told the crowd, "as something big or small before your very eyes will vanish !" I added emphasis to the last word so Twilight could hear it from the back.
…
Three… Two… One…
I inhaled sharply on the last second, close my eyes momentarily, and listen for the poof of a smoke cloud. Right on time. I open my eyes and see my target item right in front of me. I could hear a soft coughing and saw her eyes closed, I made this my opportunity. I snatch this Lightweight, colorful, and to top it off, stylish as hell item. Once in my hooves, I dart around her stage, head for the back and run off into the distance back to the cottage.
I could hear a commotion from behind her stage, but I couldn't tell if they were impressed or confused. Either way, I got what I came for.
…
Trixie's hat.
…
I can't believe that worked. I run past a few more ponies before ducking behind a tree.
"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE ORDERS YOU TO COME BACK AT ONCE, YOU THIEF!" I heard echoing in the distance.
I donned this new cap upon me and smile.
You want this so bad? Come and get it.
…
Come on, Fluttershy. Let me in.
I knock four more times and finally, she opens the door, rightfully looking confused. "Back so soon?"
"Yep," I quickly rattle off.
"New hat?"
"You… could say that."
"Where'd you get it?" her questions getting slower every time, and her eyes full of suspicion.
"It was… a gift," I lied. I know I'm already too caught up now.
"Wait," she said, finally seeing through my lies. Looking at the advertisement on the desk and seeing a picture of Trixie with her trademark attire on as the banner, she put two and two together. "You didn't…"
I grinned. "I did."
"But… why?"
"Just a spontaneous decision."
She looked down at the floor, then back up at me and sighed. "I'll never get why you do things, Zenith…"
"Nobody ever does," I say with a massive smile encircling my face. "And don't worry, I'll give this back."
"You'd better," a voice behind me said, a hint of anger in her tone.
Uh oh.
I turn around. A purple unicorn, eyes obviously frustrated, glares me down.
"Zenith," she began. "What were you thinking?!"
"I was thinking I could borrow this for a bit."
"You can't just steal somepony's property! That was by far…" she added.
"…the dumbest, most infantile thing ever conceived?" I finish her sentence, adding some sass to my previous remarks, "And I've never felt better about anything I've done."
Twilight took a deep breath. "I'll never understand you."
Smiling again, I reposition the hat. "Nobody has yet to figure me out."
"What are you planning to do with this hat?" she asked me.
…
"Nothing."
…
"What?"
"You heard me. Nothing. I'm just doing this to prevent an ur-" I started but caught myself in the nick of time. Foreseeing the future is a dangerous, yet wildly helpful tool. "-to prevent her from showing off and embarrassing anyone."
Twilight shook her head. "But now she's on a raving search for the thief that stole her hat!"
"I never said this plan was foolproof."
"It was hardly a plan at all!"
"Well, excuse me for thinking on the spot! I didn't see you coming up with ideas!"
"There was nothing wrong with her just yet! Why did you act so rash?"
"Look, I got her to stop her show, right? Consider that a gift!"
"Her show was at least tolerable until you jumped to conclusions!"
"I would have let her finish if your other friends hadn't complained! I saved them from embarrassment!"
"Explain."
"Trixie would have called them out and made an example of them; it's what she would do. If I failed, so what?! I have no dignity anyway!"
"Why must you throw yourself on the line at every adversary?"
"Because you are your friends are more important than I am!"
…
I continued. "If I left right now, nothing would change. You are your other friends hold unique roles in this land. I do not."
…
"My actions do not influence outcomes of this land."
…
"But you are right. This was stupid." What in the fuck was I thinking? "All I did was cause more problems than solutions. And now," I sighed. "I must pay the consequences."
I turn around, head down, out the door, and into the world. Great idea, and way to involve yourself in nobody's business. You should get an award. The "I'm-a-disaster-in-every-aspect" award. Or the "Every-synonym-for-'idiot'-describes-you-perfectly" award. Or the…
Agh! Something suddenly hit from the side, what felt like a rock, knocking the hat clean off my head and me to my side. Looking over, I see the face of the pony who was seemingly on a manhunt for me.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie finally has what she came for!" she said out loud. "But she still feels unsatisfied."
…
"Thanks to you, I'm now a laughing stock in this town! Everypony's talking about how Trixie got upstaged by an earth pony and now I won't be able to show my face in this town for a long time!" she told me.
All because of that hat.
"Good," I choked out. "Your attitude could use an adjustment too."
"Trixie contemplates using a number of spells on you, but why can't she use them all? You deserve to have my wrath bestowed upon you, don't you think?"
"Bite me."
"When I'm through with you, you'll wish you never messed with the Great and Powerful Trixie!" I heard her yell while charging up a spell.
Incoming pain in three… two… one. I winced, closing my eyes.
…
What the…?
A purple shield covered the attack.
"Trixie," the familiar voice said. "You have what's yours, now leave."
"Why should Trixie listen to you?"
"Because she's more powerful than you will ever be," I told her, trying to stand upright.
"Trixie has a hard time believing that," she said. "And it's not your fight anyway."
"It is when I stand up for my friends," she told her. "His logic may have been twisted, but he recognized his wrongdoings."
"He's made me a laughing stock in your town, he deserves to pay!"
"With an ego like yours," Twilight began, "it was only a matter of time."
Whoa… Goddamn, Twilight.
Trixie stopped the spell casting and gave one final speech. "Trixie will have her revenge! And she will make sure you all pay the price!"
And with that, she ran off into the distance.
…
And now to right my second wrongs.
"Thanks," I told Twilight. "I deserved every bit of pain from her."
"As much as I disagree with what you did to her, violence is never an option."
And it wasn't a moment too soon. "Still, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry for not telling you my plan and the ramifications that could have happened."
"It's ok," she told me. "I'm just glad that you learned a lesson from this."
"Indeed: No matter the pony you steal it from, it still is wrong."
"I'll be sure to put that in my report for Princess Celestia today."
"By all means."
"How's your back?" she asked me.
Damn, Trixie did a number on it. "Hurts like hell."
"I'm sure Fluttershy can help you take care of it."
"Oh," I told her. "Fluttershy will probably be… irked when sees this."
"Rightfully so."
…
"You know, I think Fluttershy really cares about you," she told me.
"Which is why I feel bad that I get myself into situations like this," I reply.
I hope she wasn't implying anything…
"You have a good evening, Zenith."
"And to you as well, Twilight."
I walked back to the cottage and tried to pretend that my back didn't hurt. I've already had enough ponies worried about me today, so one less would be helpful. Each step a twinge of pain sends a shock through me.
…
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
…
One day. Just one easy day is all I want.
Author's Note
Two months now! Not six, not four, two! Still a bit overdue, but here it is.