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This Book is Terrible: Twilight's Reviews
1. Twilight Criticizes Rainbow Dash's Action and Adventure Book
"Well, where do you think I should start?" the mare asked eagerly.
"I, uh...here's the thing, Twi," Spike tried, "maybe you need to-"
"What? Do some public advertising first?"
"Sure," agreed the baby dragon, despite the fact that had been the exact opposite of what he was going to say. He bit his lip. He knew this wasn't going to end well, whatever it was that Twilight wanted to buy.
If she was the Princess of Friendship, and she had a crown, a castle, tons of friends, and much more, why would she even need to save up for something? She was richer than anypony he knew.
Unless she was trying to purchase was some crazy machine in order to get Flash Sentry to recall what happened in Half-Land. That sounded like something Crazed Twilight would do.
Half-Land, where she turned into that creepy thing that stood on two legs.
Half-Land. What a weird place it was. He hadn't deserved to turn into a dog, did he?
"Come on, Spikey-Wikey," said Twilight in a creepy but cheerful manner, "let's go do some advertising! At Sugarcube Corner! I'm sure Pinkie will let us..."
"Twilight, Pinkie just works there, she doesn't own the place."
"Yeah, well, she lives there. I don't care about the Cakes. They're too nice to be smart. Now, if you keep trying to poke holes in everything I say, I'm going to tell all Equestria you have a crush on Rarity."
"But, everyone already knows that I have a-"
"Too bad! Well, then, I'll...I'll..."
"Ha!" said Spike. "You can't think of anything else to threaten me with."
Twilight silently fumed and laid down on the ground, racking her brain for consequences. After a few minutes, an evil grin spread across her face as she extended her wings for dramatic emphasis.
"If you keep criticizing everything I say, I'll take away your favorite rubies for THREE WEEKS!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Spike yelled in horror, collapsing on the ground.
"Hmpfh," said Twilight, folding her wings and trotting off smugly. She was going to get her way, like a little princess. Well, she actually was a princess, but, besides that, yeah...
Twilight suddenly felt the urge to sing. Others may have thought she had a beautiful voice, but the truth was, she used a spell to sound like that. It was quite fortunate that Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns had not required her to take a music class. Never take the pleasant sound of silence on your ears for granted.
"You'd think others would listen And try to be supportive Unlike goofy little dragons Who are nothing but gem hoarders
But they don't, even though you're a deserving princess Though you try to get more attention Your reputation falls to pieces Because of that annoying little dragon whose name rhymes with like even though I don't like him sorry that's the first word I could think of!
Well, it's time to think about me And my lessons, and my friends To make sure my story has a happy end Who else carries themself more importantly? None!
'Cause I am the princess I'm the star pupil (Starlight, your attempts to usurp me are futile) I'm going to show the world I know how to criticize I'm going to save up and buy that...sorry, can't tell you, you guys!
Don't care about who says what The Pies or the Cakes I'm the princess, and I'm going to do Whatever it takes!
Well, it's time to think about me And my lessons, and my friends To make sure my story has a happy end Who else carries themself more importantly?
The answer is, nopony !"
"Ugh, mercy!" whined Spike, clutching his ears.
"You don't like my singing? HOW DARE YOU!!! I'M GIVING YOU A BIG, BUSHY MUSTACHE!!!!"
She was met with an elated, "Yay!"
"Drat, I forgot that's a reward to you," she muttered under her breath. "Well, we better get going--forget the whole advertising thing. Let's just show up at somepony's door, because a certain little dragon already wasted a whole lot of my precious time..."
Twilight and Spike had flown up to Rainbow Dash's house first, since they were starting with her group of close friends. Unfortunately, cloud doors were impossible to knock on. Anyway, she was not home.
It turned out that she was practicing her latest flight routine with Spitfire and Fleetfoot.
"Hey guys, what's up?" the sky blue pegasus said, flying down to meet them. She swooped up and expertly landed on a cloud.
Spike cautiously began, "Well, Twilight was wondering if you-"
"Silence." The alicorn glared at her dragon assistant. "Rainbow Dash, you are just the pony we need! I'd like to ask you a few questions. Is that okay?"
"Uh, yeah, that's cool with me. Just don't ask me really, really hard stuff. Make it quick, 'cause I gotta finish practice soon."
"This isn't a quiz!"
Rainbow's pinkish mahogany eyes brightened upon hearing this, and she rose a few inches in the air.
"Really?! Then what's it about?"
"Well, um, you...like A. K. Yearling's works, right?"
"Duh! And it's Daring. Do."
"Whatever, I don't believe in fictional characters - and you think she's a good writer?"
"Totally, Twi!"
"Oh really? Give me the name of a pony who can't write as well as her!"
"You probably couldn't, Twi! All you're used to writing are lame essays and letters that say 'Dear Princess Celestia...'" Rainbow yelled hoarsely, jabbing a hoof at the lavender mare.
Seeing that Twilight had hurt her friend, Spike tried to mend things. After all, she'd done the same for him before. Twilight was beginning a rant that started with, "How dare you say that essays are...lame! Well, technically the word 'lame' means they're unable to walk, which I guess is true because, have you ever seen a-"
Spike clamped his claws over her mouth, just in time.
"Rainbow, I think what Twilight is trying to say is that she wants to measure Daring's skill."
"Oh, well, sure."
Twilight fumed.
"She's, she's, actually, she's probably a lot better than me."
"I !!!!" shouted Twilight, struggling free of Spike's grip. She raised her head to shout "IT SHOULD BE 'BETTER THAN I!'" towards the sky.
Spike grimaced. "Please ignore her. She's a little bit crazy today."
Rainbow snorted. "Ya think?"
Twilight seemed to have recovered from her grammar-police fit, for she asked the sane question "Oh, you're a writer?"
The mare brushed her rainbow bangs aside lightly and blushed, something very rare for her.
"Well, I guess...I could use some help. Don't have much experience..."
"Perfect!" Twilight beamed, opening her wide wings.
"Let me guess, you're trying to write an Action and Adventure book, like Daring Do, right?" said Spike.
Rainbow mumbled a little, then raised her head.
"You sure you want to see it, you guys? It's pretty bad."
"I'm willing to give anything a try." Twilight said with a smile.
"Ok." Rainbow stopped to call over her shoulder. "Spitfire, I'll be right back! Follow me! The uh...draft of the first seven chapters is at my house."
As she dashed away, her mane and tail appearing as vivid, colorful rainbow blurs. Twilight and Spike followed at a slower pace.
The unwitting pegasus was completely blind to the fact that she was about to get roasted.
Rainbow handed Twilight her manuscript, slightly fidgeting, as most authors do when they are showing someone their work. Twilight scanned through it, emotionless. Then, a thoughtful look appeared on her face.
Spike knew what was coming.
She opened her mouth to speak normally, but all that came out was a shrieking yell.
"YOU CALL THIS LITERATURE?! THE GRAMMAR IS ATROCIOUS, FOR A START, NOT TO MENTION YOUR HOOFWRITING. IS. TERRIBLE!!!! "
"Hey, back off!" asserted Rainbow angrily. "You said you were open to anything!"
"THIS IS TOO POOR TO EVEN BE INCLUDED IN ANYTHING ! YOU DIDN'T BOTHER TO SPACE YOUR PARAGRAPHS, AND YOU'RE CONSIDERABLY LACKING NECESSARY PUNCTUATION !"
"Well, I don't care about that stuff, it's for total eggheads! I just wanna write! Ever read any of Daring Do's awesome books?! I can't be exactly like her!"
Spike decided that this was getting too vicious, and he was going to do something about it. Before Twilight (whose face was now red) could take another turn in the volley of insults, he did the one immediate thing that might be able to stop it.
"Stop!!!!!"
They both ceased arguing and glared at him.
"Twilight really wants to be a..."
"I don't know what she wants to be, but she's bullying. Like a critic!"
"Um, well...that's it."
"Are you kidding me?!"
"I know, right? She's the least qualified mare for the job-"
"Talk about bullying! You two are just, you're just...ugh!" Once again, the Princess of Friendship turned up her nose and walked away, trying to shun them in a dignified way.
"Princess." scoffed Rainbow.
"Exactly." the baby dragon replied with a sigh.
Author's Note
I would REALLY like to use em dashes, but I don't know how to make them on mobile!
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This Book is Terrible: Twilight's Reviews
2. Twilight Criticizes Applejack's Family Tale
Soon after she had snottily trotted away, Twilight returned (more hastily than she would have liked to admit) to fetch her dragon assistant.
"Spike, as much as I hate to say it, I need you. But not her."
She then stuck her tongue out at Rainbow Dash like an immature little filly after helping Spike onto her back. Her first book review was complete. She flew off, with the pegasus yelling insults about lameness and nerdy former unicorns after her.
"Well, that went well..." began Spike.
"It sure did!" Twilight replied. A smile of true happiness shone on her face. "I gave her book just the right amount of criticism! Now, who should we do next?"
The dragon mumbled under his breath.
Immediately, his caretaker jerked her head around to face him. Ferocious eyes. Not good.
"What did you just say ?"
"Nothing!" Spike said, though guilt was practically streaming around him in rivers.
"Oh, okay." She was back to normal. It was hard living with someone who could turn mad at any moment. Both ways, the angry one and the crazy one. "How about Applejack?"
"AJ?" said Spike, though For Celestia's sake, no ! was really what he was thinking. "I don't know, Twi. I mean, her element is honesty, so, even if you review whatever she made, she'll still be able to tell you what rating it really deserves."
"ARE YOU SAYING I REVIEW INCORRECTLY ?!"
"Heh heh...no, no, not at all!" he chuckled, nervously fearing for his life.
"Well, we're going to Sweet Apple Acres, and that's that!"
"Yeesh, Twilight, calm down!"
"CALM DOWN?! YOU EXPECT ME TO CALM DOWN IN THIS SITUATION?! "
The moral of the story is, "Never mess with a powerful alicorn princess who has defeated tons of major villains by herself (who cares what people in love with the mane five say) and could blow you to bits. Actually, that didn't really happen, but this particular story could use some action and drama. Right, guys?
Ugh. They can't hear me. They're too sensible to break the fourth wall.
Anyway, when they arrived at the farm (to Spike's dismay), Applejack was busy bucking apples in a part of her vast orchard close enough for the young alicorn and baby dragon to find her.
"Howdy, Twilight!" she said, continuing to do so. Her hat was nearly falling from the momentum of the task, though a bright smile crossed her freckled face. She was sweating hard.
"Where's Big Mac?"
"Oh, he's gone Starlight's old village fer an apple delivery to somepony-or-other, name starts with 'Sugar,' Ah reckon."
"And he left you to get the apples done all by yourself?" Spike was astonished.
"It's gotta be done. If we don't, the smell'll attract some o' those rotten fruit bats right from the other side of Equestria."
"Have you ever considered why they haven't renamed Starlight's old village something else," said Twilight, making a red herring, "so it wouldn't remind her of her fascism every time somepony says it?"
She still felt bad about accidentally turning Fluttershy into the monstrous Flutterbat.
"Well, what'd they call it before, 'Our Town?' That right there's a darn ridiculous name fer a place."
"I suppose, I mean, they sang,In Our Town, in Our Town, we don't have to wait To find out that our destiny Is just to emulate !' " She had imitated the tune in perfect timbre and key, since she had her spell on again.
"Twilight, why are you singing that? You know how evil Starlight used to be!" her assistant said, horrified to such an extent that it made his green pupils grow small.
"I can't help it! It's catchy! And Starlight is my pupil now. Or was. The point is, I'm not going to let her usurp me!"
"You alright?" said the freckled, orange mare, hauling a bucket of apples to the barn with her mouth.
Twilight was not alright. She had just realized something unfortunate. A facehoof succeeded this realization.
"No! I didn't charge Rainbow!"
"What now?" said the Earth pony. "How much does she owe ya? Ah know from personal experience Rainbow's gotta lot to work on when it come to bits. Honest." Twilight could have sworn the normally easygoing mare's face flash with ire for a split second, but when she blinked, it had assumed her usual expression again.
"Nothing like that." The dragon finally slid off Twilight's back and onto the ground. "You see, Twilight's got a-"
"How many times do I have to tell you to shut your mouth, you annoying little juvenile dragon thingy?!"
"Oops."
"Twilight's gotta what now?" said Applejack, not really paying any attention to the conversation. She was working. Twilight didn't understand. She didn't have to work anymore.
Now that she had learned every petty "friendship lesson" possible, she got to lounge around in a luxurious castle while Starlight tried to please her and ponies sent fan mail and baked goods to her.
Heavens to Betsy ! thought Applejack, she's gettin' more spoiled an' huffy than Trixie herself !
Suddenly, Trixie appeared from behind a tree. Not without the aid of the grayish cloud of a smoke bomb, of course.
Nope. Trixie still held the shiny Blue Ribbon of First Place when it came to the Annoying Awards.
"The Grrrreat and Powerful Trrrrixie" - she waved a medium blue hoof in the air dramatically - "would like some cider."
"Oh, Trixie, what a - suprise to bump into you here!" said Twilight, forcing herself not to go insane once more at the sight of the former travelling magician. Who lived in world where magic was real. How pitiful.
"I'm sorry, Trixie, but it's smack in the middle o' summer here, an' we're fresh outta cider thanks to...that flashy pegasus we all know an' love."
An' hate .
"We don't start making new batches 'til the autumn season, when all our apples are gettin' pretty ripe. Makes the best cider, ya know. These here are called Vista Bella apples, one of the earliest ripenin' varieties. They sell pretty fast, so if you got a mind to, you can buy some, go home, an' get yer pretty little unicorn hooves all dirty makin' some cider for yourself."
"What?" said The Great and Powerful Trixie, totally discombobulated.
Applejack sighed.
"You know nothin' 'bout growin' apples, do ya, Trixie Lulamoon?"
Her whole explanation had been wasted on this pony, of all ponies.
"Well, then, since ya see I'm tryin' to get some work done here, you can either work fer an hour an' get some apples or go home."
"And leave our presence," added Twilight.
"Oh, Twilight," Trixie greeted, with a smug grin, turning to face her former adversary, whom she still managed to annoy out of Equestria as a supposedly "reformed" pony. Recognition and understanding switched back on in her mind. "I hadn't noticed" (ignored) "you before."
The completely, totally Humble and Penitent Trixie? Yeah, right. That would be almost as ridiculous and unlikely as the real Discord saying "I can be klutzy."
"Well, get out of here and go bother Starlight! Why did you even come here?"
"For your information, Princess Twilight Sparkle , I was sent to this poor farm to acquire more cider by one of your friends."
"Rainbow." Applejack gritted her teeth. "Ah she bet she sent you so Ah couldn't teach her a lesson in pony. It's gonna take her a long time to pay all those bits back, fer sure, an' she better have something to say 'bout making me lose half my business this month by decimatin' my cider supply!"
"I couldn't help but overhear-" interrupted the blue unicorn.
"You were eavesdropping?!" the other three shouted at once.
Trixie defended herself.
"Give me a break. There isn't much to do in this mundane town except talk to Starlight and go to the spa and a few other places. And Starlight is much better than you."
Twilight's whole body turned crimson. Her mouth abruptly turned down, and her pupils narrowed.
Don't you know who you're dealing with, O "Great and Powerful ?"
As Applejack and Spike ran for cover, the former hoping her farm wouldn't be destroyed by an imminent magical outburst, Twilight's horn began to glow lucid red.
Trixie shrieked and ran, forgetting to use a smoke bomb in her terror. Her pale blue mane and tail looked straight instead of slightly curved as they billowed out behind her.
"EVERYONE! SAVE YOURSELVES! TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS OUT TO DESTROY NOT JUST ME THIS TIME, BUT US ALL!" Even in this situation, she was overdramatic. Twilight obviously didn't want to obliterate everyone from the surface of the world, only Trixie Lulamoon.
Trixie would have fit in nicely with the Flower Ponies. It was strange that she hadn't befriended them yet. Then again, she wasn't exactly friendly to most other creatures, be they insects or ursa majors.
With the object of her fury gone, Twilight's dangerous side subsided and the skies cleared.
"What was she going to say?"
"She mighta been wonderin' 'bout what you said earlier, Twilight, how you 'had to do' somethin', an' Ah never get to hear what it was."
"About that. I'm going to keep it concise." She drew a deep breath.
"I am now an official literary critic."
"WHAT IN THE HAY?! Pardon me, Twilight, but Ah just can't see ya doin' that job an' doin' it..."
"What?"
"AJ, be careful!" warned Spike.
"I don't wanna hurt you, Twi, but...Ah can't see you doin' a good job as a critic."
"Why not?"
"You're just kinda...a little, ya know, uptight." Applejack was being honest, but she was also being cautious.
"UPTIGHT?! I AM NOT UPTIGHT!!!!! "
One and a half hours later, they had managed to calm Twilight down, for the moment, at least. Equestria was lucky she had not destroyed it in her fit of rage.
"So, do you have anything you want me to review?"
Applejack started to chortle, which made her weathered brown hat move around on her head.
"Oh, filly, I ain't no writer!"
"Really, you have no material at all?"
Twilight crossed her front hooves and raised an eyebrow.
"Well, there's this sad little tale 'bout my parents that was told to Applebloom an' Big Mac an' me, but it ain't worth hearin' by your educated ears."
Twilight seemed offended. She snapped open her wings and "hmpf'ed" an "I'm open to anything ."
"Alright, then. Ah don't what you'll think o' this, Twi. Ain't funny or silly or anythin' like that."
"GO ON. Do I have to hit you?"
That was a rather foolish thing to say, considering that Applejack was ten times stronger than she (when she was normal), and could buck her high into the sky like a bad apple if she chose. At any moment, for that matter.
It was fortunate that she put up with a lot. The Earth pony adjusted her tattered hat and sighed.
"There were two big fruit farms 'round here, the Apples' an' the Pears'. Sweet Apple Acres, as ya know, was run by Granny Smith. The Pears' farm was run by a stern fellow named Grand Pear.
The two were always competin' with each other, fer business, how they cared fer their trees, an' too many other things to count, but Granny Smith's son, Bright Macintosh, an' Pear Butter, Grand Pear's daughter, loved each other. It all started one day, when they were out in their respective orchards with their parents..."
As the story came to a close, Twilight interrupted the last sentence.
"We don't exactly know what happened to 'em then, but that's the en-"
"I LOST TRACK OF HOW MANY GRAMMAR MISTAKES YOU MADE AT FIVE THOUSAND AND NINETY-FOUR! AND NO ENDING? DID THEY JUST GET EATEN BY TIMBERWOLVES OR SOMETHING? "
"Slow down, now! Ah never said anythin' 'bout timberwolves !"
"I DON'T CARE!!!!
"Twi, I think ya need to calm down an' take a few deep breaths." The farmpony remained composed herself, but started to slowly back away, as if her friend was a dangerous creature.
"I, uh, I agree. You should really work on your anger..."
Normally, Spike was the one who did things with fire. But this time, Twilight roasted him.
Literally.
Who in Equestria knows how she got her hooves on a pyrospell? Thankfully, dragons are fireproof, and for good reason.
"Thanks for your time, AJ," groaned the now scorched dragon. With luck, she wouldn't be charged either. It all depended on Insane Twilight's memory.
Right in the middle of Ponyville, Trixie Lulamoon was doing her daily show. Mare, did she have an unusual, spectacular performance planned for tonight! She buttoned her starry purple cloak, donned her hat of the same fabric, and stepped out confidently onto the stage.
"Welcome, one and all, to THE GRRRREAT AND POWERFUL TRRRIXIE - I mean, my show. Hehe."
Without further ado, the blue unicorn launched into song with a flashy extension of her normal voice.
All the ponies living in this town There's something that might turn your happy smiles to a worried frown You've heard of bugbears, and, well, you've heard of ursas But did you know there's something out there even worser?
You think I'm a lot, But, I tell you, I'm not And I'm warning you of the trouble you've got Coming to you, you, you...
'Cause there's an alicorn With an out-of-control horn She'll pretend to be honest and true Until you she does review!
She will criticize She's trying to monetize By calling you a failure And there's no cure for what ails her!
She acts like she's all for amity Spending time with friends and family But then she'll catch you writing a book She will ask if she can take a look
You think I'm a lot, But, I tell you, I'm not And I'm warning you of the trouble you've got Coming to you, you, you...
'Cause there's an alicorn With an out-of-control horn She'll pretend to be honest and true Until you she does review!
She will criticize She's trying to monetize By calling you a failure And there's no cure for what ails her!
Twilight Sparkle is her name She's a terror to Equestrian I hope you feel the same!
She's downright dangerous And most of all, smart Before you can stop her She'll take your story apart!
You think I'm a lot, But, I tell you, I'm not And I'm warning you of the trouble you've got Coming to you, you, you...
'Cause there's an alicorn With an out-of-control horn She'll pretend to be honest and true Until you she does review!
She will criticize She's trying to monetize By calling you a failure And there's no cure for what ails her!
Yeah, made, will she review you! You'll be done for when she's through with you!
When Trixie had finally finished holding the last note and taken a breath, she noticed her audience was utterly silence, with a collage of perturbed emotions on every face.
She gave a deep, slightly whiny sigh.
"Seriously?!"
Author's Note
The song is called "Evil Friend." The song in the former chapter has been named, "Twilight Complains (She's a Brat).
I kind of imagined this one to be a rock song, with wild electric guitar accompanying Trixie in the background. Of course, I can't make it like that. XP
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This Book is Terrible: Twilight's Reviews
3. Twilight Talks Fluttershy into Writing, Then Criticizes Her Poem
"Twilight, you're becoming insane! You have to stop this madness!" Spike had just finished scrubbing the blackness off himself with a towel, and hoping that Twilight would be alright for the next hour at least, for pony's sake.
"Pfft, insane? If you think that, you're the one who's insane, Spikey Wikey!"
"Don't," he blushed.
"Why?"
"Rarity gave me that nickname."
"AND THAT MEANS I CAN'T USE IT?! WHY, YOU INSOLENT LITTLE... " It was no use trying to get her to calm down. She aimed her horn at the poor dragon and fired a few magic blasts.
"Uh, Twilight, I think, uh, that we should, uh, visit - ah! That, we, should...visitsomeponyelse!"
"Fair enough." The shooting ceased, much to his relief. With such short legs, it was not easy to dodge it.
"Uh, how about Fluttershy? She's a nice, calm anti-anger pony (most of the time), and you could use a little, um...kindness right now. Yeah, kindness. The others haven't exactly, um, reacted optimally to your, reviews."
"Sure," said Twilight with a happy smile, already beginning the route to her timid friend's cottage.
Spike lagged behind to slap himself in the face.
What had he just done?
Fluttershy was quietly humming to herself as she stroked a bluejay's feathers. Perched on her hoof, this normally aggressive bird totally melted, fluffing out its feathers like a chickadee. Others from her menagerie clustered around her, as if they were magnetically drawn.
"Hi, Fluttershy!" said Twilight rather obnoxiously, stepping out from behind a bush.
"Oh!" She startled. The entire flock of birds scattered in an explosion of beating wings and color. "Um, hi, Twilight." She bashfully looked down at her buttercream hooves.
"Apologize." Spike rapped Twilight's head with his fist.
"A-gada-gada-gada," she shushed.
Fluttershy had turned her eyes away from the duo, missing the gibberish reprimand, and was talking to a tiny sparrow nestled in the grass.
"Oh, you were scared too, but you couldn't run? You poor, poor baby. Hush..."
She gently picked the creature up and fondled his thick, fluffy neck feathers. He cheeped in delight. Then, she remembered that her friends were here, with a soft, "oh."
"Um, what are you guys here for?"
"Fluttershy," began the dragon, "how do you talk to animals? I mean, I know it's a talent, but I've always sort of wondered..."
"I can help with that," she said, closing her eyes in joy.
Suddenly, at her sweet whistle, every single bird that had fled reappeared around her in a perfect formation. It was Twilight and Spike's turn to do the jump of surprise, this time.
The flock start to chorus an accompaniment under Fluttershy's lead.
"If you need help trying to talk To your cutest little friends Look no further, because Here is where your search ends
I know lots about creatures And their habits and styles The ways that they do things And their different kinds of smiles
Each one has a certain type Of language you must know If you want to communicate In the rain, or wind, or snow ."
She stopped singing for a second to talk to Twilight and Spike to give them some of her best advice, but the birds kept up a lively instrumental in the background.
"So, you try to listen to the sounds they make - of course, only it if it's okay with you, you don't really have to..."
"Don't denounce your own tips," said Twilight, rolling her eyes.
Fluttershy's cheeks blushed a pale pink. She went back to her singing.
"When speaking to the birds You have to listen for their words And when you start to sing Then, you can say anything
You can say anythin -"
As usual, the Element of Magic was intent on stealing the spotlight. Sending the birds flying with a flap of her wings, she stood in front of Fluttershy and started to sing a very loud solo of her own invention.
"Don't really want to sing to little birdies And who says you should know how? If I had come for that reason I wouldn't despise this show right now!
I am looking for a writer Who thinks her talent's strong 'Cause you know, I didn't come here To sing some silly song!
I'm a promising critic (That much I guarantee) I can help you, in writing, To become the pony you want to be ."
"Oh my goodness,Thank you, Twilight But I'm not very good at writing I've never really tried it And it doesn't seem inviting
I'm better at singing songs To creatures large and small Thank you so much, my friend But I'm not an author at all "
"Gorillas and chincillas, They don't matter in my sight The only things that do are books With all of their might
All of their...might !"
Twilight was singing so loudly now that all the animals were baring their teeth at her and making rude noises. She abruptly decided to stop.
"So, yeah, forget the song. Got anything I can review?"
"Well, I - uh, I, um, told you I, uh, you, you know, wasn't, wasn't...very-"
"ENOUGH USELESS BLABBERING! " the lavender mare shouted, prompting even more hostile behavior from the defensive critters. "YES OR NO? "
"Twilight! I'm ashamed of you!" The said pony whipped her head around to see Spike. "You're acting worse than you did when you thought you were going to go back to magic kindergarden, so you enchanted your old doll Smarty-"
"Spike, never utter that name again. Do you hear me?" It took all the little dragon's self control to keep him from bursting out in giggles, but Twilight was deadly serious about the doll.
"Well," he said, shifting the subject to break the uncomfortable silence that followed, "I think you should teach Fluttershy how to write, or at least encourage her."
"What? Me? Teach her ? I've only had thirteen whole years of professional experience and lessons from Princess Celestia herself. I'm sure she wouldn't want me to-"
"Please." Spike grabbed her purple hoof and looked up at her, his bright eyes pleading even more than his voice.
"What in the hoof? You can do the 'cute eyes' technique?" Twilight groaned, flabbergasted.
"Oh, yes, I taught him just the other day, when he came over to get some treats for Owliscious."
"I didn't send him to get treats for Owliscous! Spike, have you been sneaking out?" The mare wrinkled her nose and glared down at him.
"Maybe ," he yelped guiltily, arms behind his back.
"Remember the rubies ."
"I-I-I don't mean - to be...r-r-rude or anything, but...you...two..." When the duo turned to look at their timid friend, she let out a small "Eep!" and hid beneath her long pink mane.
"If you have something to say, Fluttershy, then you might as well say it without BEING A CHICKEN !"
"That's, that's unfair!" The pegasus lightly touched the ground with her hoof, in what had been an attempt to stomp. "Chickens aren't cowards. You have it all wrong, Twilight! Haven't ever seen two roosters spar?"
If there was one thing that set Twilight off, it was being told she was wrong, even if the pony doing the correction was speaking in a voice so soft that the butterflies were coming over and swaying in the tame breeze it created.
"Your lesson begins now. Good luck."
Spike quickly stood on his tiptoes to whisper, "Yeah, good luck. She can be a pretty tough teacher when she's ma-"
"Shush!" The alicorn towered over him, mouthing the word which reminded him of the terrible consequence she wouldn't hesitate to carry out.
Ru-bies ...
Several hours later, as evening was beginning to spread across the land, Fluttershy walked up to Twilight, who was cruelly teasing a mouse in her menagerie by pretending to offer it a piece of cheese.
"I-I-I..."
"You're ready. Say it, already."
"I, I'm ready."
"Whoop-de-doo. Congratulations, Miss Shy, for getting words out of your mouth. Let's all go sing your praises." The studious alicorn was almost an excellent master of the art of sarcasm, if not already. "Show me the poem."
"I've got it, Twi," said Spike rather cheerfully. He knew that nighttime was coming, which meant bedtime. Therefore, this compost pile of a day would come to and end.
"Give it here."
"Let Fluttershy read her own words. She knows how they should sound. (Plus, I edited it)."
"YOU WHAT?! BUT, SPIKE, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL PROPERLY! PRINCESS CELESTIA SENDS ME A WEEKLY CHART OF THE SPELLING MISTAKES YOU MAKE ON A DAILY BASIS! "
He sighed.
"Just. Calm. Down. And let her read it."
Fluttershy was blushing and stammering, until he gave her a few encouraging words.
"You can do it, Fluttershy! It's a beautiful poem, and won't take long to read.
"Um,The birds wer singing The chimes wer ringing The world was all at peas.
And so it came to pas, at last That everipony was fine, at leest ."
"Woo hoo! Good job!" he shouted, the instant she was done, startling her. Then, she smiled.
"That was okay , but is that really all you managed to write? I poured three hours of my life into teaching you, filly! Let me see that paper..."
Without hesitation, she magically ripped it out of Fluttershy's hoof, which really wasn't necessary. Everyone knew that her grip could hardly be called one. It was a wonder she didn't drop all her animals.
Twilight scanned the paper. As she progressed, her eyes went from normal to tiny-pupil-maniac-mode.
"FLUTTERSHY, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" yelled Spike.
But he wasn't the one she was mad at.
"SPIKE! YOU DIDN'T 'EDIT' IT, YOU MADE IT WORSE! "
This Book is Terrible: Twilight's Reviews
Introduction: Look Out For The Twilight
"Spike, I just got a groundbreaking idea!" Twilight said, looking up from the latest twenty tomes she had been poring through, her deep purple mane with its bright pink stripe frazzled from incessant studying and her eyes dangerously close to the default Twilight maniac-mode pupil size.
"Huh, Twi?" Spike walked into the room with his short dragon legs, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Oh, yeah, sure, what it is it?" Then, he noticed the telltale tiny pupils. Those were never a good sign.
"Uh, Twilight you've been studying all night - do you need some sleep...or coffee?"
"What? No, neither! But you have to look at all this research I've been doing! I found a really good part-time job that will make us enough to finally buy a..." As Twilight was rambling, she lifted her hoof a little too absentmindedly close to her reading candle, which wasn't even needed now, as it was dawn.
"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"
Ponyville's new alarm clock was that job, perhaps?
Twilight's newly bandaged hoof smarted, but she paid it no attention, further detailing her plans to Spike, who had already put up with enough from her that morning.
"A literary critic, Spike! That's what I'm going to be!" Her face lit up.
"A what ?" The dragon's green pupils instantly shrunk. This could not be good. Twilight had once been asked to review a foal's story, written for their school assignment. The result was that the entire thing ended up highlighted in red.
This was definitely not a good idea.
Author's Note
Brief introduction. I know this is really bad, you don't have to say it. I may revise it, if I feel like it.
