A Certain ‘Puzzle’.

Quoth The Moon

Luna stared at the confounded thing for just five minutes more, trying to unlock the secrets therein so she could finally triumph over her sister. She’d beaten Celestia at plenty of things before, but the overgrown whorse had been quite adamant about Luna not being able to solve the puzzle she’d made. She’d already spent six hours on it, turning it about with her Magic, rolling the odd rounded cube with her hoof as she glared at it. There were fissures in the metal ‘cube’s’ surface that she tried to invade with Magic, but nothing happened. There were button like devices on each flat surface and one of each corner, but all Luna had found from pressing from them was that they seemed to make a sound every time they were pressed.

If she was honest with herself, Luna would have said that she was stumped. She knew that the little device wasn’t a common thing in modern Equestrian society, so she only knew to ask her sister of how to disassemble or otherwise solve the riddle cube. Sadly, Luna’s pride was too great to shell out the ten bits for the answer to Celestia’s insufferable riddle, so she decided to do something only a little dishonorable and go to Cadance to see if she would know anything of the puzzle. Nothing ever happened in Night Court, so Luna told her steward to hold down the fort, so to speak, so she could take a quick trip to the Crystal Empire where the day was still young.

She rose through Cadance’s shadow and got an eyeful of Shining Armour’s favorite meal before she decided to teleport off to the side of the mare and avoid getting a muzzleful of strawberry taffy flavored mare. “Good morning, Cadenza.” Luna greeted formally, looking around the Crystal Castle’s Throne Room. “I believe I require thine assistance.”

Cadance started and looked at her aunt. “Oh! I wasn’t expecting to see you today, Luna. It’s nice to see you though, so what can I help with?”

Luna levitated the cube over to Cadance and they closed ranks to look at it together. “Celestia has challenged me to open this cube and I find that I cannot. I wish for your assistance, favored niece.”

Cadance beamed at Luna’s mild praise as her tail swished. “Of course Auntie Luna! We’ll have the cube opened up in no time!”

Luna gave her a stoic nod and let Cadance’s Magic hold the cube. “I have tried pressing the buttons, but all they do is make musical notations. I have tried making the national anthem of Equestria and that did not solve the puzzle.”

Cadance raised a hoof to her chin and narrowed her eyes at the cube, giving it a few test nudges when she was done rubbing her chin. “It’s definitely a thing, but whatever kind of thing it is, I’m pretty sure somepony smart made it.”

Luna gave her a flat look. “Well, isn’t that an astute observation.”

Cadance blushed and cleared her throat. “Sorry…”

The Princess of the Night draped a wing over her shoulder. “Perhaps that came out harsher than I meant. I was not trying to guilt you, dear niece.”

Cadance gave Luna another smile, but as she did, the cube started making strange sounds that it hadn’t made for Luna by herself, and suddenly a layer of the cube was missing. “... Okay, that was odd.” Cadance commented. “It’s like it knew that you were being nice after being a little mean.”

Luna gave her a sidelong glance and huffed. “I am not mean, I am simply sharper with my tone than would be determined necessary by most ponies.”

The Princess of Love gave her a concerned look. “Uh, Luna? Nice ponies don’t coat nice ponies in ketchup because they accidentally turned one of your lamps into a dancing appliance.”

“Twilight deserved it and that is final. She smelled considerably better than usual afterwards anyway.” The blue Alicorn huffed haughtily.

The pink Alicorn gave her a look. “You’re nearly four thousand years old, and yet you still can’t figure out a proper response to an honest mistake?”

Luna colored and coughed. “I believe we’re getting off topic. We were trying to solve this cube, were we not?”

Cadance fixed Luna with a look that made the older Alicorn feel uncomfortable around the tail area. Cadance had been known to try and hit those she thought needed a love spell with exactly that, so Luna was preparing to make a run for it at a moment’s notice just in case Cadance decided to get freaky on her. However, Cadance just rolled her eyes and tapped a few buttons on the cube in a seemingly random order and roughly rolled the thing back over to Luna.

“There. It should be almost solved, but I’m being serious about your relationship with Twilight. It’s kind of pathetic, Luna.” Cadance gave her a concerned look and Luna blushed.

“... We will endeavor to make a better bond with the filly, but we make no promises.” Luna answered.

“Auntie Luna, why don’t you like Twily? She’s not that bad, though I don’t know how to say that she’s bad at all. A little inattentive sometimes, and a little narrow-minded at others, but she’s truly one of the most genuine, kindest, most brilliant minds of the new era! She’ll make a fantastic Princess when she’s ready, and she could be ready even faster if you’d pitch in and help her.”

Luna put her hoof on the puzzle cube and rolled it a little bit. “... I do not know entirely. Twilight Sparkle is simply a foil to myself in ways that you would not understand. Where she is Celestia’s student due to her magical aptitude, I was Celestia’s student in a different time due to my physical aptitude. I feel as though she is my junior and is Celestia’s favored student, though I know that my claim to her heart as her sister is far more worthy. I suppose I do not like Twilight because she is a threat to my position, though you could say that I don’t like her because I feel as though she is an intruder in my life.”

“... You’re jealous of Twilight?” Cadance asked slowly.

Luna gave her a dark look that was ruined by her blush. “Silence, puny mortal.”

The taffy-toned Princess gave her an odd look. “I’m your equal in name and I’m also an Alicorn.”

“I can make you mortal.” Luna grumbled saltily.

“Eep! I-I don’t know what I was talking about! Ah-ha ha. Ah-ha. Ha…” Cadance chuckled nervously.

Luna took her newfound victory in stride and said, “I believe I will be speaking to Twilight in a moment. She will help me solve the cube entirely.”

Cadance gave Luna a little smile. “I think she’d appreciate you coming to her for help.”

Luna blushed. “As long as she doesn’t come to expect it.”

“Why wouldn’t she?”

“Silence mortal.”

“Immortal silencing.”

Luna nodded curtly and walked into Cadance’s shadow as she said, “Thank you for your time, favored niece. Next time I will bring breakfast cake.”

“Ooh, bring cherry chiffon! The Canterlot Crown Confectionery has the best cake in Equestria!” Cadance ‘joked’. She really did want that cake.

Luna gave her a little smile. “With or without the dark chocolate drizzle?”

Her niece’s mouth watered. “The drizzle makes it even better!”

They both chuckled and exchanged familial nuzzles before Luna shadow walked herself into Twilight’s current dream, which was a wet dream in a lot of strange ways. The first way that it was wet was in the traditional sense: Twilight’s dream was taking place on a long schooner that she was the Captain of. The second way Twilight’s dream was soggyc was due to the rum that flowed from barrels around the ship, and the third way Twilight’s dream had a little extra humidity was due to the fact that everything was having some kind of sex. Anal, bondage, extreme fetishes; you name it, Twilight had it going on inside of her head. Luna’s marehood ached when she saw somepony getting effectively tased in the crotch throughout multiple ejaculations.

Luna was a little scared for her flank, but she had a question for Twilight, so she altered the purple mare’s dream bit by bit until it was clean and family friendly, to which Twilight responded rather positively until Luna made her aware of the fact that she was in a dream. “Luna? What brings you to my vessel?”

The Princess of Dreams tapped her front right hoof on the deck of Twilight’s boat twice before the younger Princess blinked. “I have come for you assistance, Twilight Sparkle. Celestia has posed a challenge to me and I cannot solve it myself. I require assistance from a younger, more broadened mind.”

“Oh! I-I’d be honored to help, Prince- Er, Luna.” Twilight gave the elder mare an anxious, eager-to-please kind of smile that Luna found disgustingly endearing.

The nocturne blushed and cleared her throat, a little flustered by Twilight’s desperate need for approval. “W-Well, all I need is a little help with a puzzle. I assume that you are familiar with some of my sister’s works?”

Twilight’s eyes lit up and she trotted in place happily. “Oh, I know a lot of Celestia’s tricks! I can totally help you with one of her puzzle sphere’s if that’s what this is about!”

Luna chuckled a little. “I do not know about a puzzle sphere, but I do know that the puzzle cube she has given me is difficult. Cadance seemed to understand it, but I believe you may be able to solve it in its entirety.”

Twilight smiled and shuffled her hooves. “Oh, I’ve never seen a puzzle cube before! Shall I wake up so we can have a look at it together?”

“I can introduce it into the dream if you do not wish to lose sleep.” The elder Alicorn offered.

“Oh, that’s pretty interesting.” Twilight commented. “You can bring physical objects into dreams?”

Luna nodded. “Any Alicorn can do it as long as they have the spells and aptitude. I will have to teach you how to do it sometime.” She brought forth the weakened puzzle cube and Twilight gave it a once over.

“Ah, this is a Familiar cube, Luna. Not a puzzle cube.” Twilight informed cheerfully.

“A familiar cube? You have seen it before?” Luna asked, recognizing the terms, just not the combination.

“Well, yes, but this is actually a copy of one of my experiments, and it’s designed to let you input whatever kind of parameters you want for a Familiar. It’s actually one of my favorite experiments.” Twilight gave Luna a wide smile and levitated the cube over to herself. “It seems like Cadance put in some general parameters for you, but I’m sure you would prefer-”

“I do not want a Familiar.” Luna grunted.

Twilight blinked. “... You don’t want a new friend?”

“I have never liked the idea of having a Familiar. Enslaving a being to be forever by my side until its life passes makes my heart ache at the thought alone. No, I would much rather save some being the pain of being torn from its home for my sake.” Luna said softly.

“... I guess I never thought to ask how a Familiar would feel, but my Familiar was happy to meet me… I thought everyone else’s Familiars would be happy to meet them as well.” Twilight replied at the same volume.

Luna’s heart throbbed alittle at the rapidly saddening expression on Twilight’s face, so she decided to break out the treats and throw her a bone since Celestia and Cadance had now made comments on her relationship with Twilight. “... Would your summoning cube be able to select a familiar that would be happy to serve me?” The Princess of the Night inquired.

Twilight perked up. “You can do just about anything you want with the cube! You can use it to summon things from anywhere on Equus with any kind temperament!”

Luna gave Twilight a suspicious look. “I can have it summon any kind of creature? One that would not miss its home or resent me for asking it to complete tasks?”

“Yes! I can add those parameters in for you if you want!” Twilight offered, getting a little anxious. Twilight respected Luna nearly as much as Celestia, so she wanted to impress the older mare with her revolutionary invention by any means necessary.

Luna hummed. “Odd… I have to admit that having assurances that my Familiar would be content by my side intrigues me.”

“Right!? You know, I’m surprised that you haven’t had a Familiar before.”

“I have had Familiars before, but they felt trapped after being summoned, so I released them to avoid making them suffer.” Luna explained. “I find it inponane to keep beings that wish to be elsewhere unless I am intentionally imprisoning them for wrongdoings.”

“Sometimes the way you say things scares me, but then I remember that Celestia says the same stuff in a nicer way and I start feeling better.” Twilight commented.

Luna gave her an odd look because she was an odd mare. “... Right. Well, I believe Celestia was trying to trick me into getting a Familiar. Possibly an unruly one.”

Twilight took her eyes off of Luna and input Celestia’s earlier commands into the ball since Cadance had only done half. “I don’t think that’s it. However, now’s a good time for you to start listing off features you want your Familiar to have.”

“List them off aloud, or write them down?”

“It’s easier if I hear them.” The young Princess teased.

Luna, the Matriarch of Mayhem oh so long ago, let her eye twitch be the only outward sign of irritation. “I do not want to risk getting a Familiar that would only wish to go home.”

“It’s not like the cube can’t send them back.” Twilight said a little irritably, though she tried to keep her tone friendly and assuring. “It’ll also bring forth something that will be willing to hug you on the spot so long as it comes from Equus. Name your Familiar, Luna.”

“I do not want one, thus I bid you farewell so I may return to Night Court. Thank you for your time, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna gave her a curt nod, her tone clipped and her irritation a little more evident.

The world’s tiniest violin sounded in triplicate from behind Twilight’s slumped, saddened, malaised form. “B-But… Why would you want to open the cube if you didn’t want a familiar?”

Luna raised a brow at Twilight’s antics. She was a little disturbed by how personally Twilight had taken the slight, even if she hadn’t meant it as such. “Celestia posed it to me as a challenge. I thought it was little more than a puzzle with a missive and a piece of candy inside.”

“Oh.”

The elder Princess had a lot on her mind in one little moment. On one hoof, she could ignore Twilight’s implied plea for her to get a Familiar and keep her lone wolf standing, which honestly didn’t sound horrible or even like it was the bad choice it should have been. However, on the other hoof, there was the possibility of appeasing Twilight and getting a Familiar, which didn’t sound that bad. It was mostly just and unpleasant prospect, having something not quite intelligent around to do her bidding when she could have a fully intelligent (Though possibly incompetent) servant do what she wanted. Luna supposed that she could throw Twilight this one bone and have her summon a decent Familiar for her since she could send her companion aspirant back if she didn’t like it.

“I suppose finding a Familiar that would suit my purposes would not be terrible.” Luna drawled theatrically.

Twilight’s face lit up as expected and she began pawing at the ground. “Just say the Magic words and we’ll get started!”

Luna had to resist the temptation to roll her eyes. “Perhaps you could suggest some words for me, or rather, some inputs for your device.”

Twilight nodded rapidly. “Of course! Let’s see… It’ll need to be something long-lived, right?”

“Yes, but preferably non-magical. Magical Familiars have a hard time adapting to my presence.”

“Ah, your magical aura is really off-putting if you’re magically sensitive.” Twilight chuckled nervously.

The elder Princess scoffed. “I do not see the point in restraining my aura. All ponies should let their power manifest and present itself as I do.”

Twilight didn’t agree mostly due to the fact that most ponies didn’t have Luna’s veritable Moon of Magic to work with, but she continuously input new commands she thought Luna would like into the cube. “Is there anything else you want your Familiar to have?”

“It should have a certain level of intelligence. Oh, and it should be unique in some way! If I am to have some Familiar by my side, it must not be some common creature.”

“Well, we could see if there are any not insectoid creatures that walk on more or fewer legs than an average Equisian.” Twilight input a bipedal command since she thought it would be interesting to see. “Is there anything else?”

“Hmm… Make it agile or dextrous. I like quick things.”

She entered it into the cube. “Done. What else should there be?”

“Could it possibly change colors?”

Twilight resisted the temptation to give her a look and roll her eyes because she didn’t want to get her teeth bucked out of her mouth. “I don’t know if I can put that into the cube.”

“Fair enough. I would like my Familiar to be accustomed to darkness. It does not have to be entirely nocturnal, but I would prefer it to be.”

“I already put that one in for you.” The purple Alicorn answered happily.

“Lovely. What else…” Luna looked upward and rubbed her chin.

Twilight copied her, but she came up with something faster. “Oh! What about its size?”

“It needs to be smaller than me.” The nocturne answered flatly.

“Most Familiars do tend to be on the small side, but that’s usually for magical potentiators like Philomena, Spike, or Owlowiscious.” Twilight said nervously.

“It literally just has to be able to fit on my back without breaking me.” Luna replied drily.

Twilight input some complicated parameters using some of Luna’s Magical Signature to identify some of her limitations since it was hard to find out through non-magical means. “And done. What else?”

“... Should it be male or female?” Luna asked curiously.

Twilight shrugged. “I think going with the opposite gender for a Familiar is the norm, but having one of the same sex could be interesting.”

Luna considered it for a moment. “I rarely find favor in the eyes of females. Stallions tend to prefer my company over mares.”

“Male it is then.” Twilight said, wondering why Luna would ask if she was going to disregard her answer.

“... It is a tough decision. Oh well, I suppose male will have to do, though I suppose I could always get a second Familiar if I like the first well enough.” Luna said, falling into the Familiar Paradox.

Twilight recognized it quickly. “Remember, Luna; a Familiar is something you’re going to be entrusting with a lot of your magic and a piece of your heart. It’s not like getting a Familiar is like getting a pet.”

Princess Luna blushed lightly, having heard the wisdom in Twilight’s words. “Verily thou art correct. We shall default unto thine wisdom on the matter.”

Twilight smiled and hooved the final button on the Summoning Cube. “I think it’s just too enticing to have multiple Familiars, which is understandable.” It was rich coming from a pony with two Familiars, but Luna let the hypocrisy slide. “Is there anything else you want from this Familiar before I prepare the cube for summoning?”

“... Can it have chocolate brown eyes?” Luna asked, her fondness for chocolate running deep into her favorite color.

Twilight gave her a wide smile and input the command. “Done! If you’re not quite ready for the summoning in here, then you can just press the glowing button whenever you’re prepared.”

Luna nodded and teleported the cube to her private chambers. “I will summon my Familiar come morning. For now, thank you and dream well, Twilight Sparkle.”

“Glad to help, Luna! If you don’t mind me asking, what was happening about before you came into my dream?” Twilight inquired innocuously.

Luna flushed and cleared her throat. “Another time, perhaps. Sail on, Captain.”

Luna took her leave seconds later and teleported herself back into Night court because she had little else to do other than summon her Familiar. She decided to wait until morning to go through with the summoning, but then she realized that she was being ridiculous and figured that Twilight would have given her a nocturnal creature; thus she should summon it as soon as possible. Since nothing was going on in Night Court, she summoned the cube and looked it over for the glowing button. Once she located it, she gave it a press and tossed it onto the open floor a few feet away from her as she felt the magic inside the cube start to wake up and warble unlike anything she’d felt before. Well, Luna knew what was going on, and it was actually a spell going wrong, but she wasn’t the originator of the spell, nor did she know how to shut it down since Cadance and Twilight had been the ones to load the spell with most of the Magic it was running off of. Runes started whipping out from the glowing mass of metal and one hit Luna in her left eye, turning it from a greenish blue to a bright, milky, pale blue that signified the loss of sight and the gain of another magick. Luna recoiled from the impact and erected a shield that was too late to save her eye, but that was just in time to stop her from being blown back by the small explosion that the cube gave off.

✯☾Ω☽✯

Quoth The Lord

Anon put the noose around his neck and scratched his chin. He’d lit enough candles to give the place a properly romantic atmosphere, he’d set up the delayed text to his sweet elderly neighbor Mrs. Altham that he was going to take the easy way out and that he was leaving his savings and stuff to her if she wanted it, and he was pretty fucking lit, the party going hardy in his veins, lungs, and even his anus. Anon had gone out and talked to his buddy Jason and had blown a whole check and a few hundred more dollars on nothing but drugs and junk to fill his himself, which was why Anon was hanging onto the noose as he wobbled on his stool. He was ready to go, but his buzz was going strong and it was making the moment a little less sweet, in Anon’s opinion. In fairness, when one has a set way they want to die, it’s not like they’re usually going to be willing to take a consolation prize. The way Anon saw it, he could hang for as long as he wanted after he loaded his little thirty-eight special. He only needed one round for his sweet release, but he put two in the chamber, just in case hanging himself and putting one in his heart wasn’t good enough.

Anon whistled a merry tune while he worked, not glancing at the pictures of his ex-fiance who’d broken up with him two years ago on the same day that he’d set up, or the pictures of the parents he’d lost four years ago, date withstanding. June fifteenth was just a bad day for Anon in general, and after being told that he wasn’t allowed to compete in the competitive circuit for his MMA club for being too merciless the year before and being fired earlier in the day because of cutbacks due to the company being poorly run, there were just too many adequate reasons (In Anon’s mind) for him to give it up and find something more fun to do.

Like dying, for one.

It wasn’t like Anon was particularly depressed or anything. In fact, the guy was actually pretty fun to be around most of the time. He just didn’t see the point in living since the people he’d loved most, i.e. his parents and middle school sweetheart, were no longer in his life. He’d met more people that he’d liked plenty enough, but there was something wrong in Anon’s head to begin with and it just told him that he’d best get out before he became homeless and life got bad. Anon realized that he was acting like a coward, taking the easy way out at the first sign of the going getting tough; he just didn’t care. He honestly thought he was doing the world a favor by not waiting around until he got bitter and hateful, so when he slipped the second bullet into his thirty-eight after dropping most of the pocketful he’d had, he kicked the stool out from underneath himself.

Anon dangled by his neck for a little bit, convinced that being hung was probably one of the worst things he’d ever experienced. The way the grit of the rope dug into his flesh and pulled at it, tearing it, made him very uncomfortable, and that’s not to mention that he could hear his vertebrae popping despite his muscles tensing up against his will. Anon figured he’d better stop wasting his time when his legs started kicking without him meaning to move them, so he pulled the hammer of his gun back and pressed it against the center of his chest since anatomy wasn’t really his strong suit. Pulling the trigger took a lot more willpower than Anon thought that it would have, but the loud report of the gun told him that he’d squeezed hard enough to make it count.

With an aching chest and a rapidly darkening world, Anon summoned up the last of his strength for the last actions he would ever commit on Earth. The first was the formation of a finger circle on his left hand for the lols and keks (Shits and giggles) of fucking with people after he passed, and the second was getting the same revolver under his chin so he could paint the ceiling pink and gray. Much to Anon’s displeasure, he lost the remainder of his strength away before he could get the gun up, but he died with it in hand, blood dripping from his fingers as his muscles refused to go limp. Dehydration does that to a person, which should be a rather subtle indicator of how well planned Anon’s suicide was. Everything from the caliber of the bullet, which had been the same one used to kill his older brother back when he was still under four feet tall, down to the scent of the candles strewn across the room. Sugar Cookie had always been Vanessa’s favourite and Vanilla Bean with Cinnamon had been his mother’s crux.

Everything had gone to plan.

Kinda.

Anon let his eyes close for the last time before he opened them for the first time. Before him stood a Caucasian man, then an African woman, and then an androgynous being that could have been Hispanic, Latino, or Asian since Anon was pretty bad with recognizing racial features. The being shifted between races and sexes with casual fluidity until it settled on one final form; the first it had chosen. The man had dark brown hair and a handsome, roguish face that held a smirk that seemed well worn. It was a familiar expression to Anon, but he didn’t know the man, and he knew that they were strangers because he’d never met a person with dichromatic eyes. He took in the new person’s clean-cut physique that had most likely taken a decade of toning and sculpting to earn, which Anon respected as a member of the martial arts community as a whole. He saw in the other man a fighter above comparison, but it was a sad occurrence to the unknown fellow since he knew that there would have been a time that Anon would have asked for a quick match. Only one of the men knew the other, and the new face knew more about Anon than either would have cared for.

“Wotcher, mate.” The mystery man said in a friendly manner as the two floated in the void. “Seems like you took a ride down the Suislide.”

“Sure did. Mind telling me why I’m still existing?” Anon asked pleasantly. It wasn’t the new fellow’s fault that he wasn’t quite dead yet. At least, not to Anon’s knowledge, he wasn’t.

“You see, I just don’t like it when people kill themselves and it’s not because their future seems to be filled of blades and bullets. You could’ve picked yourself back up, but you decided that you were going to fall flat and call it there, which is just bullshit, mate. Millions of people would have killed to have your setup, your capital; human and physical. You had a good thing going, you just didn’t like a few things, so I’m canceling your death request.” The man said irritably.

Anon gave him a look. “Are you God or something?”

“God has a name, and it’s Maximus.” Maximus huffed in the most manly of manners. I mean, far be it from me to say that the ruler of a universe huffed like a bitch. A diminutive bitch at that.

“Right. I’m calling you Max.” Anon said.

“That’s perfectly fine.” Max nodded.

“Right again. So… I’m just going to… I dunno… Float for a bit.” Anon flapped his arms and tried to fly away to avoid being punished by God.

Max gave him a look. “You’re not doing shit. Pick some super powers.”

“The ability to drain life from things.” Anon said immediately.

“You’re not killing yourself again. Suiciders get sent off to quote unquote ‘better places’ with stuff that’ll help them adjust. What do you want to help you feel like a whole person, you empty sack of meat?” Maximus finished with a casual insult to see how Anon would handle it.

“First off, you’re mom ghey. Second, why do I need some magic bullshit if you’re powerful enough to just give me superpowers? Why not just make me normal and send me to Hell for killing myself?” Anon folded his arms and tilted his head, his tone inviting, though his face was flat.

Maximus knew he had an experiment with potential when he saw the sheer hollowness inside of Anon. It was actually amusing to bleed emotions into the guy’s soul to watch them get sucked away and stored as perpetual misery, and then it hit him, though it had little to do with letting Anon’s emotions wither. “Alrighty! I’ve got an idea that I think you’ll like, mate.”

Anon tugged at the invisible noose around his neck. “Does it involve me being allowed to rest in peace?”

“No.”

“Damn.”

Max rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so eager to stop living again. The Void isn’t as comforting as you might think, if you even end up there. Anyway, I’m going to give you a little magic and we’re going to call it… Hmm… How about Spell Eye?”

Anon gave him a look. “What’s the magic even do?”

“Well, one eye is going to pacify enemies and the other is going to incite them.” Max answered simply.

“Little basic for a superpower, isn’t it?”

God stared Anon down, but rare is the day when you come across a man who doesn’t fear God Himself when facing the fellow. “Just for that, I’m going to make sure you keep that power. Is there something else you want, you picky shit?”

Anon nodded. “If I don’t ask for more powers other than those, can I get some kinda care package? Like, a bag filled with useful stuff instead of some weird magic that I probably won’t understand well enough to use in the first place.”:

Max smirked. “You’ll know how to use the eye things after a little while, though there will probably be some hidden depths to it that you’ll need to find out on your own. I’ll put your care package together after I rip your eyes out, so c’mere real quick and we’ll get it over with.” He gestured for Anon to come closer.

Anon mimicked walking toward him, but couldn’t actually go anywhere. “Yeah, I’m stuck.”

Max nodded and floated over to him. “Right. Remember; giving God shit hurts, okay?”

“I figured.” Anon commented casually before Maximus thrust his hands toward his face, making the Human feel like flinching.

Sadly for the empty husk of a being that was Anon, having his soul’s eyes ripped out by God was a lot worse than having his normal ones plucked and replaced, but when Max tore his eyes from their sockets, Anon revelled in the brief feeling of something. Sure, he still knew what pain was from little scratches, scrapes, and the little stab wounds he’d inflict upon himself and sewn up on the weekends were nice reminders, but it had been a long time since Anon had felt pain resonate to the core of his being. All in all, it wasn’t something he was eager to do again, but the severity of Anon’s sickness made him hope for something a little less blinding next time. Things got better when Maximus slipped Anon’s new left eye in, and it was the one that was going to incite a fight while the right one made peace with people.

Anon blinked a few times once Maximus was done being a meanie butthead and sighed. “Man, Max? Next time you gouge my eyes out, can you use a little lube? My sockets feel like your fingers are two inches thick apiece.”

Maximus chuckled at that. “Sorry, but if I want it to stick, it has to hurt. No one can take that power from you, and it’ll never go away, mate.” He breathed one last sigh before giving Anon an apologetic look. “You’ll forget this conversation ever happened, but I want you to know right now that whatever happens, I’ll be watching. All of you, my children, get a few chances to make your happiness, and this is your second chance, Anonymous A. Anonymoneymous. Make it count.”

“Full name, bad sign. Well, this entire experience is like a bad sign, brothaman. Fatherguy. Whichever. Point being is that I’m probably going to try and die where ever you send me.” Anon shrugged. “It’s nothing against you.”

Max nodded. “You can try, but you’re not slated to give up the ghost by means you would normally think. I don’t know what your exact fate is since I wanna see how things unfold for you, but still. Life’s about to get interesting enough that you won’t have time to feel the hollowness anymore.”

“I guess that’s better than doing a ton of drugs and dying like that. Did I remember to untie my arm before I hung myself?”

“Nope. The juice was flowing, though.” Max assured him.

“Sweet. Yeah, so how many years am I getting in Hell for doing all the drugs I could get my hands on?”

“Five years apiece for each of the Trinity, a year for the twenty tabs of acid, a few more for the vial of liquid LSD that was about to make your life living Hell anyway, the weed doesn’t matter, the scripts are all ten years apiece since you didn’t need any of them, but the Xanax, Klonopin, Oxycontin, and the Roxy’s were the worst ones. I gotta say, mate; you are one persistentfuck, you know that? Effective too.”

Anon nodded. “I like to do things right the first time. Saves me a lot of trouble.”

Maximus nodded. “That’s not bad thinking.” He raised his hand with his fingers poised to snap. “At this point it’s just conversation, so is there anything you’d like to get off of your chest before I send you back to life?”

“Yeah. Why’d you let Ralph Caldorf kill my parents?” Anon asked nonchalantly.

“Fate’s string tugged them along the wrong road at the wrong time of night with the wrong man on the opposite side business. Please never think that it was personal, Anon. It’s rarely ever personal or some kind of test, and that’s because enough bad things happen without it having to be some kind of challenge.”

“Aren’t you bringing me back to life because of some kind of challenge, or have I just been reading this situation wrong?”

“You’re actually just dumb.”

“My feelings.”

Max rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers, sending the fellow off without further ado in the first snap, then adding a little extra something because he’s an asshole with a penchant for being generous. Maximus’ Goddess of Time, a minor god in comparison to him and his omniscience, came forth from The Ever-Flowing Stream and yawned. “Pupil, far be it from me to tell you what to do with your precious kin, but do you not think that creating new worlds for depressed people is a bad idea? Does it not give you headaches?”

Maximus looked at the fourth-dimensional being. “Noir, if you don’t grow a pair of ovaries and woman up, I’m going to shove one of your own hooves up your arse.”

Noir rolled her eyes. “I wonder which of your wives is going to like hearing about how you ripped a man’s eyes out for saying something akin to ‘Your food needs a little pepper’.”

“My shit gots the pepper!” Max protested vehemently.

She rolled her eyes a little harder. “It has been millions of years, yet you still act like you are the same twenty year-old I met back on the original Equus.”

Maximus chuckled away the ache in his heart, for he wasn’t even talking to the first Noir he’d met. She’d passed on decatillions of years ago after a few time-resets. “You realize that our Equus was a bastard Equus, right? We weren’t the originals.”

Noir smirked. “But we were and still are the strongest, no?”

Max patted her arm. “Eeyup. I doubt that the title’s getting taken until I find my successor.”

“Bah! I will continue searching for a good fight, even if you will not let me battle any of the younger Capital G's.”

“You’re too rambunctious, Noir. In fact, I need you to relax a little.” Max said, a devious smile playing on his lips.

Noir frowned. “I do not like that smile. I remember that smile, and the last time I saw it, Twilight’s mane got chopped off until it was shorter than Blue’s bob, Celestia was summoned from her galactic travels to be thrown into a vat of pudding, and Pinkie’s from all universes ran rampant of Equus for a hundred years.”

“That party was so rad.” Max sighed.

Noir closed her eyes and pressed a pair of couple fingers to her temples on either side to alleviate the building ache. “What do you want?”

“I’d like for you to mentor Anon. The guy’s already pretty proficient in Wing Chun and he’s on the second GUP of Hapkido. You have to admit, Noir; he’s working with more than what I had when you started training me.”

“... You want me to train a suicidally dangerous man in martial arts? For what singular, non-stupid purpose could you possibly want this?”

Max gave her a look. “Look here, Jiggle Giant.” He made sure she was looking. “Alright, so I want you to teach dude because I just sent him to a planet with few enough bipedal species. He’ll need someone like you to help him come up with glorified hunting techniques so that he doesn’t get himself killed-” Max rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers since Luna had put Anon down on sight. “Killed again, I guess.”

Noir gave ~~me---~~ Max a salty look. “You owe me.”

Max gave her a gentle look in turn. “It doesn’t have to fall on your shoulders, Noir. I have other things I want you to do if you have the time for them, it’s just that there’s nothing I need you specifically for. I’d prefer it immensely to have you stop by and say hi to Anon in his dreams every once in awhile, but if you want to suggest someone else…” Maximus spread his hands. “No hard feelings. I’ll understand, Blackberry.”

Noir’s lips curved into a slight smile at the use of her age old nickname. “I will teach him my Alicatius style unless you want me to teach him Flowing-Water.”

Max scratched his cheek. “Teach him Alicatius mostly and mix in some of the Riptide forms from the Undertow branch of Flowing Water. Nothing from Tidal Surge would suit him.”

“What about Crimson Tide’s Nachschlag?”

Max shook his head. “Nah, it’s the same story with Swift’s Gold Shade Rush. It’s like, a ten-ninety shot that he’ll actually be able to learn something so highly personalized like that.”

“I suppose that Crimson’s kicks are better suited for hooves than for feet. What about Swift Strike and his Whipping Wind?”

Max shook his head again. “Three years of using that technique as a sparring skill fucked with Swift’s power until I made him a Minor God. I’d rather teach Anon straight Alicatius or Flowing Water, to be honest with you, but I think he’ll make something of his own with what we give him.”

Noir gave Max a long, hard, throbbing, aching look. It finally blew its load when she said, “Okay.”

Max nodded. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

She sighed hard and took a deep breath. “So we have his general techniques down. What finishers do you want me to teach him?”

He looked at her in turn. “We can’t give him Draco-Ira or Fallax-Cessabit, so take some stuff from my Widowmaker collection that isn’t too hard on the body and give him some dirty tactics too.”

“Alright. We’ll see how this goes.”

Max gave her a little smile. “I guess we will, won’t we?”

✯☾Ω☽✯

Quoth The Wendigo

I fell on my ass from about three and a half feet in the air, the noose I’d been wearing dropping to the floor around me as a bright flash of light that marked the start of something I’d never had comprehended if I wasn’t some kind of looney in the first place. The first thing I did was check my memory, and the last thing I actually remembered was shooting up a combination of meth, Oxy, Roxy and heroin into my left arm, which was weird because I was neither speeding nor feeling like I was coated in bliss like I’d previously been. The feeling of not being high for the first time in about an hour struck me as odd since I’d been fucked up from the floor up, and then fucked down from the ceiling downward. All I knew within those first fifteen seconds was that my coccyx hurt, my eyes were on fire, though they were rapidly cooling, and I didn’t have an ice cream cone, or rather I wasn’t fucking dead.

“Maaan fuck.” I groaned, still feeling worn out. I sighed and rubbed my eyes, crossing my legs and sighing away the minute amount of frustration I felt. “Might as well start job hunting, I guess.”

I rubbed my eyes for a little longer until the burning went away, but when I stopped and opened them, I didn’t recognize the room I was sitting in. The walls were cut out of a dark, cold-looking stone that seemed like it wouldn’t exactly chip easily. The floor beneath my fine ass was cut from a beautiful marble that was polished to a sheen that I could see even in the low light, but the main things that worried me were the predominantly Victorian or Georgian (I’m not a fucking architect. Sue me.), but even if I couldn't really tell the difference, I knew that it was a special kind of posh, upper-crust manner of living that I wasn’t exactly born into. I mean, I had a good job up until earlier in the day, but such fancy stylings were above my means, and I like to live within them, thank you very much.

When I was done looking around, I looked behind me since I’d been facing a wall, but there was a blue horse with oddly large eyes looking at me. The thing was pretty fucking adorable, and it was my favorite shade of blue, but I knew it wasn’t a horse or a pony, and I knew that shit from the bottom of my heart to the tip of my tongue. I was either looking at a quadrupedal alien that kinda looked like a horse, or I was looking a GMA that was designed to be huggable and cute. It had to be fake, otherwise I was going to be the first Human in modern history to see a Unicorn. I know I should have been more shocked or surprised in general, but I just wanted to go pet the thing before I noticed that its mane was more ethereal than palpable, It waved and billowed in a breeze that wasn’t blowing as casually as the Moon rises at night.

Whatever the fuck it was, it wasn’t normal.

I slowly rose and the horse backed away, tossing its mane clopping its front two hooves on the hard marble floor loudly. “Hey now, little guy. You don’t bite me, I won’t bite you, okay? I’m pretty sure you bite harder, but I will poke you in the eye, so be cool, okay?” I raised my hands and took a step back from the animal. “Be cool, horsey, and lead me out of here so I don’t get assraped by something.”

“WENDIGO!” A distinctly feminine alto said. It came from the direction of the horse, so I did some quick math.

“Alright, so if two plus two equals four minus one that’s three, quick maths, then you just talked, Horsey. I’m gonna-”

The horse’s horn lit up and instinct told me to dive, so I threw myself off to the right and heard something akin to a major lazer heat the air where I’d previously been. “DIE CREATURE OF STRIFE!”

“Chill the fuck out!” I screamed, picking myself up off of the floor and sprinting for the nearest cover that came in the form of a bed. I had to zig zag across the large room to avoid being hit, but when I dove over the bed and took cover, the lasers stopped coming.

“... What manner of Wendigo runs from a Pony?” Horsey asked from across the room.

I quickly popped my head up above my protection and ducked down for a few seconds. When I was sure that I wasn’t going to die, I punched myself for fucking up a perfectly good chance. “Dammit. Oh well. I’m totally a Wendigo though, so you should come and kill me.”

“... What?”

I stopped hiding and rose from the kneeling position I’d been in, facing the Pony. “Hi, my name is Red Rum and I’m a Wendigo. I’m gonna hurt you or something, so strike first!” I tried.

The Pony narrowed her wide eyes at me. “You are defective.”

“My feelings.” I rubbed my chest, even though I didn’t give a fourth of a fuck. She couldn’t get an F, U, C, or even a Goddamn K from me, no siree.

Pretty Pony snorted and somehow raised a hoof to her pale blue, nearly white left eye. “Bucking Tartarus.” She growled. “Twilight Sparkle had better hope I get my sight back.”

“Here’s hoping it comes back quickly. I know my eyes hurt when I got cut down, but I don’t know why.”

The Pony glared at me, I think. It’s facial expressions were somewhat humanoid, but it was just… Odd, to see an Equine with proper features. “I am returning you to your home.”

I loosened the noose a little more and took it off. “Find me a longer rope and I’ll be out of your hair with no extra effort on your part.”

“I wanted to ask why you had a rope around your… Neck?” She asked.

“It is my neck, and I was previously hanging from this rope, I think. That’s what the plan was, anyway. Dunno why I’m here and not still just hanging around my apartment.” I scratched my face, pretty unconcerned about it, all in all.

“Red Rum-”

“Please, call my Remmy or Rummy. It’s more fun that way.” I gave her my version of a smile, which I’ve been told can be unsettling if I make it too wide.

She didn’t seem phased, so I thought I was good. “Red Rum; are Wendigos immune to being hanged?”

I shrugged. “All the guys who’ve done it before never had this problem to my knowledge, so I’d say not.”

“... You do understand that strangulation-”

“Causes death, yes.” I interrupted. “I also realize that if I would’ve been more proactive and wasn’t focused on making it look nice and smell wonderful that I wouldn’t have a neck that’s in one piece right now. Long-drop would’ve worked better.” I rolled my eyes. “Seriously though. I live in the middle of one of the biggest cities in my country, and traffic is a bitch. It wasn’t worth the five-plus hour commute and search it would’ve taken to go to a forest and find a tree that I could climb well enough to get high enough to do a proper long-drop.”

She tilted her head to the side and stared at me with her mouth slightly agape. “... You tried to take your own life?” She murmured.

I nodded. “Why let time or some asshole do it when I can do it and get it over with? It’s not like the value of one’s own life isn’t determined by they themselves.”

“... So you tried for fear?”

“No, I tried because I’ve been exhausted for two years and it doesn't matter how much I sleep, I wake up just as tired as I went to bed. Wake up with the same problems or new ones that pop up as soon as I turn my head, meet new people that can’t wait to fuck me over, get derided by a man-hating boss that can’t get the carpet out of her teeth long enough to say something nice, and I’m so bored.” I moaned theatrically. “Do you know what it’s like to live life everyday in shades of gray? Metaphorically walking the Moon with wonders abound and everything’s just ughhh?”

“I actually have lived on the Moon, for your information, and I can say that it was enough to make me consider taking my own life at times, but never enough to bring me to the act! I spent a thousand lonely years on the Moon and I doubt that you’re out of your first century!” She objected. “Is there a demon haunting your past? Trauma that plagues your heart? A sickness within your mind?”

“I dunno, but can you laser me real quick to see if I’m immune to it?” I attempted.

Horsey narrowed her eyes for another glare. “I see… Red Rump; come hither. We shall alight to Night Court and continue our discourse there.”

“It’s Red Rum, and I don’t wanna.” I said.

“You do not have a choice.” She answered matter-of-factly.

“There’s a choice in everything, Horsey.”

“... Did you just call me a whorse? You do not even know my name!”

“Horse, Pony; it’s literally just a size difference. I mean, if you didn’t just lie and try to say that you were over a thousand years old, I’d say you’re just a big Pony, but ya kinda strike me as a young nag, or like, an old filly. Either one.” I said, rambling a little bit because I tend to do that.

Horsey ground her teeth. “No mare enjoys being called a promiscuous whorse, nor do we appreciate being called nags. I believe you were unaware of this?”

“Didn’t have a clue. Sorry to offend, but I’ve never seen one of your kind before. I mean, back on Earth, in America, we have plenty of equine species that kinda look like you, but nothing quite so… Cute.”

The yet unnamed Pony tossed her mane and snorted heartily. “I am not cute. I am majestic, and graceful.”

“You’re kinda fuckin’ adorable, my ponified sentient being. Hey, do you go into estrus?” I asked.

She choked on nothing and went into a coughing fit. “Red Rum, I am your Mistress! Remember your station, Familiar!”

“... Did you just try to check me?” I asked neutrally. I probably should have said something earlier, but I tend to speak in monotone with minimal inflection, so my voice just got extra flat for that question.

“Check you for what?” She asked irritably.

“I was asking if you were trying to induct me as some kinda slave.”

“A Familiar is not a slave. A slave has no freedom at all while a Familiar has the freedom to do whatever they wish for much of their day. Most familiars tend not to be able to speak if they’re non-magical, and they tend to be considerably less intelligent than you have proven to be.” The blue Unicorn with wings said.

“Ah. But I still have to do what you say, right?”

“If you do not want to, I will not make you in most cases. However, you being yourself and all that entitles at the moment, are effectively my wayward… Nephew?”

“I am a dude, yeah.”

“Yes. You are not dissimilar to a wayward child of my sister that she has asked me to look after, and as such we will begin correcting your behavior at sunset. ‘Twould be a crime against all races should I allow you to simply walk free when you have proven and testified to the fact that you are incapable of thinking for yourself.” The Horsey huffed.

I crawled onto what I assumed was her bed and took a second to be glad that I cleared it. Shit was easily waist high and every bit eight by eight, if not a little more. “What’s your name again, Pretty Pony?”

“Do not attempt to flirt with your Mistress.” She demanded. Commanded. Either one.

“I’m not flirting with you. You’re a cute little creature, Miss…?”

“I am Princess Luna, Co-Ruler of the proud sovereign nation of Equestria, Goddess of the Moon, and I am not. Cute.” She snarled.

“Hi Luna.” I waved at her.

“... You are vexing already.” She muttered darkly. “What land from which do you hail once more?”

I translated that into proper Autism, then converted it over to Asperger’s so I could get it. “I haileth frometh California, of the grand country America, of the big planet Earth. I mean, Earth isn’t that big compared to other planets, but it’s big enough, you know?”

“I sense that you were making fun of me.” Luna said darkly.

“From which of my actions didst this suspicion thou holdeth stem?” I teased.

“I do not know, but I feel your mischief in the air.” She said cynically. “In any case, I wish for you to come along.”

“This bed is honestly pretty great to be truthfully earnest with you.”

Luna gave me a look. “What would make you come?”

“Some vanilla stuff, but that’s because I don’t really do kinky these days.” I said cheekily. I don’t even try to give people shit or come up with dumb things to say; it’s just so ingrained into my psyche that I can’t really help it.

“There is vanilla cake in the kitchen.”

“Can I sit on your back?”

“No.”

“Can I touch your horn?”

“Why?”

“It looks real.”

“It is real, and no, you may not.”

I ran through the last few sentences in my head. “Why didn’t you correct me when I asked if I could sit on your back?”

“It only occurred to me the second time. What else do you desire?”

“May I touch your fur?”

“For what purpose?”

“You look pretty soft.”

“I exercise regularly!” She protested, offended.

“Not squishy soft. More like sleek soft.” I explained.

She raised her chin and I think she struck a bit of a pose. “Sleek is correct! Many mares would slay to have a physique such as mine!”

“That’s adorable.”

“Shush!”

“Maybe. So can I touch your fur?”

“I do not want you to touch me at all.” Luna huffed irritably.

“Then I don’t want anything, I don’t think. Wouldn’t mind a stiff drink though.”

She gave me a dirty look. “Alcohol or Saline?”

I gave her an odd look because she was making me feel muddy inside. “Alcohol. Why would I drink salt water? That’s like, a really sucky way to die. There’s way too much suffering involved in drinking a saline solution.” I shook my head.

“What will alcohol do to you?” She asked, her horn lighting up with a pale blue aura that was trippier than a forest full of ground-level traps.

“Beer makes me sad, whiskey makes me mad, bourbon makes me smile, and tequila makes me fun to be around. I suggest tequila.” I wiggled my brows at her and tried to give her an enticing smile.

Luna rolled her eyes. “You have wine and fortified wine to choose from.”

“Can I swing for an amaretto?”

Her brows lifted comically high. “You know of almond liqueur?”

“I’m rather fond.”

Her horn lit up again and two large tumblers that were practically just squat glasses popped into existence alongside a bottle of amber liquid. “Are you a cultured pony?”

“I’m not a Pony at all.”

“Are you a cultured person, I should say. I must ask your forgiveness for using the nationalistic terms for now and in the future, should I ever happen to forget my company.”

I hopped off of Luna’s bed and walked over to her, the cold marble seeping through my cozy hospital socks. In my defense, I wanted to die comfy while also looking nice, so I sacrificed the appeal of wearing dress shoes for the sake of leaving my footsies happy since I was already wearing a suit. Or as happy as I get, I guess. “For future reference, if you want me to do something, getting me drunk is probably the easiest way of getting it done.”

Luna gave me a baleful look. “So I have to bribe you to make you do anything?”

“When you say it like that I sound like a primadonna. Just bribe me good enough the first time and it’ll last a few requests.” I replied.

She opened her mouth to reply mid-pour, but finished off her task before she spoke. “Red Rum, what was your path in life before I summoned you?”

I stared at her for a moment. “You know, I probably should have realized sooner, but you’re the reason I’m not dead, or at least I’m blaming you for that. You can keep the liquor. I want nothing to do with you.”

“You have no choice.” Luna replied crisply.

I tried to headbutt her for obvious reasons, but when horn-bone met skull-bone, my progress stopped and an odd tingling sensation started spreading from the contact, making my vision redden and fuzzify at the same time, like someone had used the spray can tool in MS paint to color my sight in the various shades of cow and horse placenta. I’d seen enough live births from my high-school years in Montana when I lived with my Aunt for a little while, but that was before my parents were gone and happens to be a story for another time. To get back on track, my ears warmed with the advent of the tingling sensation and I heard Luna start chanting in an odd language, her voice an octave lower than she sounded normally, and I have to say that it was rather stiffening.

It made me hard.

At that point in time, I hadn’t popped a woody in three hundred and ninety-nine days.

You have no idea how fucking lost I was.

I didn’t know what to say since there wasn’t much blood left in my brain after about eight or nine seconds, but I did manage to make Luna flub a syllable in her whatever it was she was doing, and that made the tingling sensation go from strange to unpleasant very quickly. The pain was actually quite excruciating, and it left no part of my body untouched. I’d liken the experience to having cheap, shitfully crafted needles made of fiberglass inserted into every available pore, digging in about two inches I’d say. Trust me, I know my measurements from experience, and like in previous experiences, my mouth opened and a horse sound that I still can’t really name came out. I’m just gonna call it a ‘Grough’ because it’s not unlike a growl and a dry cough, if you squint and happen to think sight has something to do with sound in this particular case. Tears streamed from my eyes, and I was quite thankful that I’d excluded alcohol from my choice of things to get me comfortably numb before I stepped into oblivion because I most likely would have let my bladder loose.

Imagine how relieved I was that I hadn’t eaten in a day or two. I may not care about much, but I really wasn’t trying to piss or shit myself in front of someone. A man has his dignity after all.

My vision darkened from misty reds and pinks to bloody tones, ranging from the dull, dark hues of the blood that comes from the outer layers and nonessential veins as compared to the bright, florid hues of the life-carrying arteries. I wondered if my vision was clouding with blood as I idly hoped that my end was nigh since life was on a whole different level of suck that I’ve never experienced before, but then I felt the focal point of my suffering pull away. I iterate that where Luna and I were touching was easily ten times worse than the feeling of having my helm and jewels penetrated by what I hoped were invisible needles.

Look, there’s a reason I didn’t shoot myself in the face. Hubris is my sin like no other, I’m kinda proud of my appearance. Being some sort of wrecked and then not being allowed to die would be the nightcap to… I dunno… I’d rank it within the top four worst days I’ve ever had. There was this one time where I was looking for smoked gouda, and it was just, like, nowhere. I even checked Earthfare! Shit happened years ago and it still annoys me.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Luna stepped back because she actually had control of her body and my quote unquote ‘happy’ ass was still standing there with a little hole in my head that felt like it was spreading a spider’s web made of pain throughout the tips of the fiberglass shards; even the ones that weren’t actually apart of a needle anymore. The fragments in my flesh felt like they were bending, becoming something of a network not unlike mycelium. It was fascinating as I felt magic for the first time in my life, but it wasn’t a pleasant sort of fascination. No, it was a tingly experience wrought with the intense desire for my demise rising, peaking, plateauing, rising again, and then dropping like a stone back down to the casual levels that let me walk around and not ruin someone’s life by jumping in front of their car.

I could still feel the mycelium under my skin while the needles melted like frozen willow balm into my muscles, soothing them more quickly and far more efficiently than Bengay or Icy-Hot. Shaq’s a fucking liar, but that’s a rant that I really don't have a reason to go into. However, something that I will go into is the orgasmic bliss I welcomed with metaphorically open arms, though it had to be an action left in concept because the bliss was all up on my cock and I was ready to rock. The first climax I had experienced in nearly a year and a half was beyond beautiful. It was like someone had opened up a floodgate of endorphins that had lay dormant during a long winter, hibernating and huddling together for warmth and comfort as their stores of blubber ran low. Lifewater rained through my rod and my seed exploded forth, the euphoria tickling my tip as if the tightest, most sensual nun of nuns had allowed me access to the door that God ignores, my rod encased in a sheath made of an ambrosia sweeter than the purest cut of heroin. For the slightest of seconds, a passing thought left behind in the times that I barely remember, I asked myself if I should have sprung for the shit that was supposed to be three percent purer and scoffed at the thought as I was having it. Even the combination of the three most addictive substances known to your Average Joe weren’t enough to top the relief coursing through my member’s entirety.

It was odd that the pain relief took that specific form in that specific area, but maybe it was just because of the nerve clusters therein? My hands and toes felt rather nice as well, but how do you compare getting a diamond the size of a bear’s paw to a ruby ring with a few sapphires on the side? I mean, you get a dynastic heirloom, or you get something ugly enough to get pawned off when times get tough. It wasn’t hard to figure out what I paid attention to while I sank to my knees, my nervous system complete with additional wiring that pumped more of the soothing bliss into my bones until the flow petered out and left me feeling fine. Not empty or bereft of its presence like a drug would have; I just felt okay. I didn’t realize that I’d closed my eyes, but when I opened them, my left eye was cold and my right eye was hot, but I didn’t know why. My breathing had been shaky, but I wasn’t aware of it until it leveled out along with the gentle trembling I’d been doing. After a deep, steadying breath, I looked for Luna and found her just off to my right, staring at me with a red face.

“Was it good for you too?” I asked lazily.

She took a little breath. “Why did you climax?”

“I dunno. Best thing I’ve felt in years.” I sighed contentedly.

“... Why did you try to impale yourself on my horn?”

“I really don’t want to be beholden to someone else. It really sucks enough without having a complete stranger tell you that you’re their bitch.”

“... You seriously tried to kill yourself,” She drew it out nice and slow for me, “on my horn?”

“Bingo Bango Jnco Jean Django.” I snapped my fingers at her and made some finger pistols, adding in a wink for flair.

“... Buck me…” She sighed. “Red Rum, look. Is there anything that doesn’t make you want to kill yourself?”

“Hard liquor, a nice ass, liquor, uh, animals. I like animals. I also like to eat them, which I’m assuming you do not since you are a Pony kind of lady.”

“I keep meat in stock, but we will not eat it openly. It often comes in disguise as stew, but do not expect a stea~ak.” Luna got a dreamy look to her face before snapping back to reality.

I wondered if I could impale myself on her if I caught her by surprise for a second, but then I realized that I was assuming that the fragile tip of a bone could piece through something as thick as a human forehead. I mean, it stood a decent chance, but what if it hurt her? I should’ve considered it beforehand, but I guess I got desperate.

“Cool. So what just happened?”

“You mean when you tried to kill yourself on me?” Luna asked in a very rude tone.

“Eeyuss.” I replied heartily.

She sighed some more and shook her head. “I imbued you with subdermal armor that should stop you from dying of blood loss and most self-inflicted internal injuries. I will not tell you all of the connections I have built between us, but I will tell you that your self-homicide attempts will no longer work. If you doubt my words, there are daggers I kept from days long past that you may-”

“I believe you, Cutesy. New pet name; how ya like?” I gave her a smile that was more smug than most of the ones I gave to people who thought that my general, not complete, apathy made me a doormat.

“I know what you are doing and it will not work. Come.”

“I just did and it was Ecks Dee lawl amazing, but I should kill you for that pain. That was very hurtful.” I lectured drolly.

“... You had a painful orgasm?” Luna asked before shaking her head. “Never mind. We are leaving and I will tolerate no more tarrying.”

I got to my feet and fell back down since my knees were too weak to let me walk. “Wow. It really was a good one.”

Luna blushed, which was fu~ckin’weird because she has fur. How do you blush through fur? “Tch. Do you need time to recover?”

“I could use a change of boxers to be honest with you.”

She lit up a little brighter, her cheeks a little redder. “I assume that those are the trousers you are wearing?”

“No, the ‘trousers’ are fine. It’s the underwear that needs replacing, but it’s not like I have more clothes. Kinda need more of them too since Humans don’t walk around naked.” I man-splained.

The fucking tips of Luna’s ears were red as she cleared her throat. “Y-You Hyumuns wear that type of clothing casually?”

“It’s a part of healthy hygiene and not zipping your genitals into your trousers.”

I shit you not, I couldn’t have made this up if I tried, but from her jaw down to her shoulders were red and it was still going. “Y-Y-You don’t have… Sheaths?”

“No? Oh yeah, I forgot horses, and by extension ponies, don’t just let it all hang out. Actually, I think that’s how most animals do the do, come to think of it.”

Luna’s forehooves were now cherry red, and I was officially going to see if I could make her fully change colors like one of those special Hot Wheels I used to have as a kid. “S-So you just… Wear clothes all the time?”

“Well, yeah. Humans wear clothes for everything except bathing and intimate, hot, steamy, passionate, intense,” I’d dropped my tone, watching her stare at me blankly, “sweaty sex.”

The middle part of Luna was all red, leaving her hindquarters to go. “W-We… P-Perhaps we sh-should alight to C-C-Court!?” She blurted.

“Sure. Just let me take these off real quick.” I started to get to my feet, but Luna was on me in a second.

“Halt!” She squeaked in the most adorable fashion. “D-D-Do not reveal thyself to thine Mistress! Tis most uncouth, thou deviant!”

She wasn’t super heavy, but it was pretty suck that she had her hoof on my chest, and I wondered how much of it was her actually trying to keep me down or if she was just a small horse. I decided to do my award-winning Waluigi impression by default. “Waaah!”

I heard a splattering sound come from behind Luna after her pupils shrank to pinpricks as she stopped breathing. The scent of blueberry pie filled the air and I wanted a slice with ice cream, but I had a funny feeling that I was going to get the wrong kind of pie and a warm kind of cream if I actually ate it. The smell was nice, but when I felt the liquid on my foot, there was no way in Hell that I was keeping my mouth shut.

“Cum here often?” I asked, my breathing labored.

Luna’s eyes blinked rapidly and her horn lit up, drying my foot and what I assumed was her personal stuff. “We never speak of this again. We never think of this again. If you speak of this again, I will hurt you.”

“At least we’re equal.” I rasped as she increased the pressure on my chest.

She let up. “... It seems that hurting you would be easier than I thought. No matter. Do not breathe so much as a word about what just happened. Am I clear?”

Luna looked down on me so hard it irritated me slightly. “I’ll fuck you, dammit.”

Her eyes shot open and the spattering sound came again after a few moments along with a low “Oo~oh” Luna rapidly shook her head and raised her hoof to bring me to my demise before slamming it down close enough to be loud as shit, but not enough for what I actually wanted. “Thou damnable Incubus! Such humiliation we have not faced in MILLENNIA!!” Two exclamation points for extra volume.

I caught my breath quickly enough to say, “If it makes you feel any better, you’re pretty majestic when you’re red too.”

She blinked and looked at her right hoof, craning her neck to inspect it closely, then at her butt. “... Oh. I thought you were using Incubus magic.”

“Nah, dude. Suh dude.”

“... I assume that was an insult.” She said evenly.

“No. It means ‘No’ and ‘Hi’.” I informed helpfully because I’m a helpful person.

“... Dear Creator, please help me.” Luna lamented, backing off so I could get up.

“I don’t think he’s listening.” I answered for The Man Upstairs.

✯☾Ω☽✯

Quoth The Lord

“Bucking Lord! This shit is gold!” A pale orange god bellowed.

“Tsk tsk! Swift, you should know better than to laugh at a mare while she’s in that kind of position!” A white goddess with a light pink mane chastised. “To think I dated you for so much as a century!”

Max rolled his eyes at the Fleur’s theatrics and the conversation in general, deeming it unimportant, so he tuned into one between his wives, an alternate version of Twilight Sparkle and a goddess named Roxanne, picking up with the latter. “I feel so bad for this guy, Twi. I mean, I’ve been there and I’ve done that for way too long to not feel something for him.”

Twilight laid her hand on her wife’s arm. “I’m sure Max has a plan for this one, Roxy. I mean, just look at the oddness of the gift he gave him! One eye that’s like Fluttershy’s Stare and another that’s basically his Black Eye? Something isn’t right here.”

Roxy shook her head. “He’s given people weirder powers and stronger powers before, Purps. It’s looking like this one just caught his eye because of the calculation behind his actions. It’s weird that he’s impulsive one moment and-”

“Meticulous the next!” Twilight finished, emphasizing every word. “Who else do we know that can fly by the seat of their pants one moment and plan the destruction of a galaxy using teaspoons and sporks? I mean, why else would we all be so invested in this guy!?”

The Human woman just shook her head some more. “Max wouldn’t be in the Olympic Theatre if he was hinging on this guy taking over, Twi. You know that.”

Twilight gave her a sad smile. “Do I really?”

And with that, Max cut out of their conversation and focused on another dialogue between Noir and Crimson tide, starting from a point that let him get a good idea of where they were at. He started with Noir as she said, “Do you think this fellow is even trainable? He barely even seems to react to stimuli.”

“That’s a broken person, Noir. You’re going to have to figure out how to glue that guy together if you want anything out of him.” Crimson scoffed.

“Ugh, the bone sacks are the worst when it comes to actual training. As fodder, they’re fantastic, but they’re generally pretty useless.”

“I agree, but don’t you think it’s weird that Max asked you to train a Suicider? I mean, doesn’t he usually set them up with Fluttershy, Twilight, or Celestia depending on how smart they are?”

Noir brushed her knuckles across her cheek. “... His choice in this moment was odd. Easily he could have made the cube malfunction when it was in Twilight’s dream, thus triggering a stream of events that would either lead to Anon being purged by the Elements or Twilight befriending him and uncoupling him from her mind or soul, depending on how much Max wanted to interfere.”

“On top of that, he’s just letting this guy do what he wants. I don’t get it.” Crimson ran his tongue over the canine teeth he’d recently had Noir help him install via file.

“Special training, hands off approach, three utility powers and a hidden fourth combined with the curse of undeath? This is odd, and I do not believe that we are the only ones of this opinion.”

“So what’s he setting up for?” Crimson asked.

Noir’s blood was frosty in her veins. “Something I hope falls through.”

Max didn’t necessarily agree with her sentiment on that, but that’s because she didn’t know how he felt on the matter. He didn’t have anything riding on Anon, but he did hope that the guy found his happiness more than he did for many of his other children. It was such an obvious show of favoritism that Max made a point to be seen leaving the theatre, though he still kept a piece of his attention on the action. It was actually harder to ignore it than to keep an eye on things because omniscience is a bitch like that, but he was worried.

On one hand, Maximus thought the limitations of Anon’s powers were fair, but on the other hand, having to look someone in the eye for your Magic to work is bullshit and Max had thought it was bullshit when he was still learning Dark Magic. It was tearing him apart like the problem’s name was Lisa, but he kept his face calm as he sorted through the planets until he laid eyes on the right Celestia. He knew his meddling could only go so far, but he hoped that the little drop of inspiration he’d given her bore fruit.

Before long, a god named Fancy Pants called for his attention and Maximus materialized from a quark at the cessation of Fancy’s last syllable. “Ah, Maximus, my good man! What say we grab a drink and marvel at your new planet for a spell? I’m sure your newest creations will only serve to impress, as always.”

~~I---~~ Max chuckled. “Sure thing, bruv. You wanna bring the ladies on this one, or is it an us thing?”

Fancy gave him a warm smile. “I figured you would enjoy some male company today.”

They both knew that Max was well aware of the anniversary, and it wasn’t one to celebrate. “Yeah. I’m still saying goodbye to bad rubbish.” Maximus spat bitterly.

“He was like a brother to you, Max. He just got greedy.”

“He was always greedy, Fancy. It’s why he became a thief in the first place, and it’s a damn shame I didn’t put that together for myself.” Max shook his head and conjured up a bottle of Arvita’s golden sap; a divine intoxicant that instills the feeling of pure, unadulterated vindication. It was a moment captured in Maximus’ rise to claim the seat of the Almighty, but the thief’s tale has long since ended.

Fancy just eased his smile a little and nodded. “I suppose that you would have more insight into the matter than I would.”

“I’m not trying to discredit you, mate. It’s not-”

“Maximus, please. I know you. I understand.”

Max looked at him for a moment before cracking a grin. “Smarmy old bastard.”

Fancy smirked in turn. “Cocksure little heathen.”

✯☾Ω☽✯

Quoth The Wendigo

Luna made me sit next to her throne after a long walk through an opulent palace that made me wonder what in the holy fuck was my life becoming. My best bet for the time being seemed to be following Luna’s orders until I found a chance to escape, which would probably happen while she was asleep. I didn’t know when that was supposed to be, but the longer she made me sit my tender ass on that hard marble, the more I felt like fucking off, so I started walking around the Court Hall because there was nothing else to do. While I took my little walk, I examined each of the twenty-two pillars in the room and saw that they were all engraved with depictions of Ponies I assumed had long since passed away, but the intricacy of the art made me stop at each individual pillar to see what it held. For example, there was this one pillar that held two ponies that looked like Luna, and as the story wrapped around the pillar, the scenes shifted like Corinthian pottery that I found interesting.

My little tour around the room had me looking out of the stained-glass windows that lines the right side of the throne, and much like the pillars, these held tales of glory that held no words nor sounds. I made a mental note to ask Luna to go through some of the history with me since she was probably knowledgeable about that kind of thing since she just kind of seemed like the type. Without any information on what stories I was supposed to be looking at, I got bored quickly enough and found myself standing in front of the gargantuan double doors that stood, guarding the hall like two ever-vigilant guardians. Or they were just some really big fucking doors. They had to be a ton apiece, easy. As with the other opulent shit, there were pictures on the door as well, but I recognized Luna as one of the faces on the big-ass bilith (Minus the slab, of course. The Slab was returned.).

I eventually got bored of walking around and looking at shit, so I started heading towards Luna’s throne, but I got stopped at the dais by some of her weird, bat-wing having Pegasi guards. “Hey Luna? Can we go do something?”

“We are doing something, Red Rum. We are being silent.” Luna said, making a mistake.

“If you’re upset about me using your hoof to wipe my nose, I already said I’m sor~ry.” I said in a whiny, bitch-esque voice.

One of her guards choked and Luna glowered at me. “That did not happen, and if it did-”

“Then is it because I didn’t pull out in time?” I asked.

Both guards choked this time, but Luna had given them orders not to mess with me unless I started messing with them. The thing was that she didn’t know what I was doing. “Pull what out? You are making little sense, Red Rum.”

“I told you to call me Remmy back in bed!” I huffed.

“Your presence in my bed means nothing.” Luna snapped. “In fact, I would prefer it if you stayed out of my bed.”

“Oh shit.” The guy on my left said softly enough for me to make out, but only by a little. Luna stood no chance of catching it..

“Dude.” The female Pony (Evidently. I had to go by her voice.) whispered to me. “Burn.”

“So where am I supposed to sleep? I get cold when I’m alone.” I responded pitifully, making the one who probably had a dick shake his head subtly, his lips trembling.

“You speak as if you know me to be warm. You have yet to lay so much as a paw on me, Red Rum.” Luna said, confusion ringing through in her voice.

The guards looked at me to answer. “But you’ve had your hooves on me, Luna, and your touch isn’t something I’ll soon forget.” I said seductively.

Luna flushed in a heartbeat. “You-! Ergh! Will you be silent for once!?”

Her confirmation made their jaws drop and their entire heads light up over the course of ten seconds. Victory conditions were met indeed.

“You never did let me have that glass of amaretto.” I reminded, losing the theatrics.

“I will happily give you the whole damn bottle if you just shut up until breakfast.”

I mimicked zipping my lips and throwing away the key and Luna teleported the bottle in front of me, levitating it for a little bit so I didn’t have to race to catch it. I was tempted to thank her for the bribe, but it was a bribe and she was making me her slave anyway, so low-key fuck that bitch, I guess. I didn’t feel like much of a slave since she didn’t beat me for being mouthy, but then again, I’d only known her for two hours at that point, so I was hoping that there was some hidden darkness who didn’t even have a word for suicide. Self-homicide is amusing though.

Anyway, I continued walking around the court with my drink in hand, casually gulping down double shots until I’d gotten to fourteen or so before stopping. I was feeling pretty alright, and as my buzz built on an empty stomach, I was swimming in a shallow pond. I figured I had a little while before my buzz started to fade, so I found a place behind the throne to set up and start one of my favourite pastimes. I took my shirts off because I didn’t want to sweat them up, but my legs rarely got more than damp anyway, so when I started my pushups, I figured that I was good to go. After a few sets of fifty, the suck of working out with a buzz was setting in nicely, so I started doing crunches in sets of forty because I always was weak with my core. Of course I still did five hundred reps total, but I just couldn’t do as many in a row while doing a normal workout. Oddly enough, I wasn’t tiring out terribly quickly, so I figured I’d have time to go through some of my Wing Chun kata without getting weary of it too soon.

Siu Nim Tao, Little Idea, took some time and helped relax my wrists after spending so much time on the floor, but I garnered some attention from a passing maid, dressed in the full French getup just on a Pony. She evidently didn’t know that my peripheral vision is decent, but I kept an eye on her while moving onto Chum Ku, or Bridge Seeking. I forgot what Shifu Song Hao’s words of wisdom on the aforementioned kata were, but I knew that it helped reinforce the Wing Chun notion of fist movement being controlled not through the shoulder, but by the elbow. It was my least favourite kata, so I spent the most time on it because it’s the one I’m the sloppiest with. Biu Gee, or Thrusting Fingers, was easily my favorite because it showcased my favorite move, the elbow strikes. It also looked goofier than shit, but that’s not a bad thing when it comes to martial arts. If you look stupid while doing it, there’s a good chance that your opponent thinks you don’t know what the fuck you’re up to, which can lead to a quick victory.

Sadly, I couldn’t do anything about Muk Yan Jong since I didn’t have a dummy, Luk Dim Boon Gwun because I didn’t have a pole, or Bart Cham Dao because I didn’t have the blades. I didn’t know much of the Bart Cham Dao kata because I learned the shit to defend myself, not kill people, and I only knew so much of Luk Dim Boon Gwun because the dojos I’d trained at were usually working with little space, though Shifu Song’s dojo was decent enough. While I went back over Siu Nim Tao, I considered what would have happened if I’d just left MMA alone and continued to learn more martial arts instead of trying to tame the ache inside by letting someone else feel it for awhile.

I was lost in thought for a little bitty minute, moving through the kata automatically when I heard Luna’s voice. “Red Rum! Night Court has adjourned.”

It wasn’t breakfast yet, so I picked up my shit and took my time in getting over to Luna, not saying a word. She was waiting for me at the bottom of the dais, and the look in her eye when she saw my sexy form was more impatient than expectant or appraising. “I heard you making strange noises behind the throne. Would you care to elaborate?”

I passed the bottle of amaretto back to her and she took it with magic, giving me an odd look. “I was practicing my kata.”

“Okay. What is a kata and why did you give me back your bribe?”

“A kata is a specific form of a martial art, and I gave it back because you bought my silence until breakfast. We’re not at breakfast.” I answered simply.

“So you were a self-homicidal soldier?” Luna asked, skipping the other bit after a briefly amazed look. I thought that she had a hard time believing that I would give it back so easily or something, which probably should have made me feel some kind of offended.

“The word you’re looking for is suicidal and no. I got discharged from the American Army before getting deployed for being a quote: ‘Smart-mouthed, bullshit know-it-all-wannabe lunatic.’. The problem was that I liked doing extra workouts because they sucked, so I never kept my mouth shut, snuck out after hours to do more work, and usually did my guard with sets of pushups mixed in. A small thing might have been the time I got in trouble for making fun of one of my superiors for nearly blowing his hand off after he did something I warned him not to do. It’s not my fault that stupid people learn better through jokes and jibes than experience sometimes.” The discharge was a little on the petty side, but it’s not like I would have made a good soldier at nineteen. I was too gung ho to fuck someone up, so I fully supported their decision when I wisened up after a week of nonstop drinking at twenty-one.

“So what was your path in life if you were not a soldier? Why would you need to know how to fight?” Luna asked, befuddled.

“Well, I got my ass handed to me a few too many times when I moved to California since I was a new face in a bad neighborhood, so that’s why I learned how to defend myself, but my job? I worked at a place called the Department of Motor Vehicles, and most of the people who see my face hate me on sight. Well, most of the people that saw me, I should say. You’re not gonna let me get back to being unemployed back on Earth, so it should be past tense.”

“... People hated you for your career? What on Equis did you do?”

“I was a glorified tax collector. No, wait, tax collectors are generally more respected than I am.” I drawled.

Luna rolled her eyes. “Then it is understandable. The hoi polloi and even many nobles lack the common sense to even think about the fact that their nation runs on their own money.”

“Taxation is theft.” I gave Luna a shit-eating grin.

She glared at me. “Do I have to bribe you again?” I took a step closer to her and she didn’t move, so I took another. Then another. When I was within arm’s reach, I slowly reached out toward her neck, but she used the liqueur to steer my hand away from her. “What are you doing?”

“I’ll shut up as long as I’m touching your fur.” I offered.

“Why? Why does it matter so much to you?” She asked, exasperated.

“Because you look like a really big stuffed pony, and I like stuffed animals. I have a six foot bear that stays in my living room just in case I want to watch a movie and nap in comfort on it.”

“... That is somewhat effeminate.” Luna said frankly.

“Blue is a masculine color.” I replied.

“I know many blue mares!” She protested readily.

“But are any of them as masculine as you?” I taunted.

Luna’s eyes took a hard glint. “Red Rum, please continue to test my patience. I have taken mercy on you thus far; do not make me regret it.”

“... And you’ll do…? What exactly now? Force me to keep living? Because you’re already doing that. Kill me? If it wouldn’t hurt your conscience too severely then please. By all means. If you’re planning on torturing me, then it’s not going to matter. You’ll feel more doing whatever it is that strikes your fancy than I’ll care about it, so what are you gonna do, Lulu? If you don’t want to deal with me, send me back and let me get out of your mane.” I said realistically.

Luna glowered at me with intent to intimidate. “Follow.”

“Learned your lesson, I guess.”

“All I have to do is castrate you and cut out your tongue.” Luna replied darkly.

I leaned down the entire three inches of height difference between us and stared her in the opposite direction of up. It was High Noon and Mcree was me, but I had a feeling Luna was on some Hanzo bullshit. “Luna. Existence is suffering. Breathing is tedious. Blinking is a production in itself. Nothing will make me want to live any less than I already do, and mutilating me ruins whatever plan of rehabilitating me that you might have. Let’s go get some food.”

“... We are leaving because I am hungry.” Luna snarled.

“So am I. Do you know if you have any oranges? I like citrus.”

Luna turned and walked away from me, so I followed like the good dog she apparently wanted me to be.

Author's Note

Blase Blase Blase. Give no fucks.

I have no idea as to how far this story will go since I'm having trouble finding a motivation for Anon that isn't just die. It's fake news all over again.