The wind rushed past Anon as he tried his damndest to control The Thing as she ran like it was the nineties. It did little to help though, and Anon was sitting atop of her like useless extra baggage.

“Okay, easy there, Amber.”

The Thing did not slow down, and instead trampled over a bunch of school foals crossing the street.

“I knew I should have played more Read Dead Redemption 2 before attempting this…” He lowered his head and sighed, before looking up to see a cart filled with an unknown substance was just before them.

“Seriously, Amber. Now’s the time to stop!”

The piece of cloth covering her head blew back enough for her to see properly. “Huh? What are you talking abou-AAAAAA!”

“Fuck me hard on the front yard!” Anon screamed midair as he and The Thing were launched into the cart, landing directly into the mushy, smelly substance on the back. Their legs poking out from it, twitching ever so slightly. After a moment to really take in the putrid smell, both Anon and The Thing picked themselves up, and sat upright.

Anon spat some of the stuff he was covered in out of his mouth. “God damn this tastes like shit… wait a minute, IT’S SHIT! AW SHIT!”

The Thing took a bite. “Eh, it ain’t so bad.”

Anon cringed so hard it threatened to make his face collapse in on itself to form a miniature black hole.

“What?” Amber asked.

Anon gave the ‘ok’ sign and replied, “Nothing, nothing at all.”

Anon all but collapsed trying to get himself out of the back of the cart. He picked himself up, brushing off as much of the muck that covered him as possible, and then turned to The Thing, who was enjoying herself quite thoroughly with her current meal. Anon took a deep breath before saying, “We need to talk about a few things, Amber.”

The Thing turned her attention away from her gloopy, smelly meal towards Anon. “And what might that be, darling?”

Okay, put on your big boy pants, and be a man about this. You have to put your foot down, and get everything straight.

“What I mean is that this is all going by so fast, and we haven’t even sat down to talk about all of this seriously. I mean, since the moment I’ve got here it’s been like one big, straight, narrow hallway I’ve been following with no detours.” Realizing he was rambling, Anon got back on track. “What I mean to say, is that we need a game plan, Amber. How are we gonna make it in this world, and how are we going to keep all of this under wraps so no one finds out our little secret about what you are.”

Wait, shit. That might make her upset with how I worded that. Brain! Think of something, quick!

“Not that there’s anything wrong with you, far from it, we just got to be careful with how we approach the world, is all.”

Good job, brain!

The look on The Thing’s face was indiscernible, and honestly it was starting to freak Anon the fuck out. Sweat began to fall down his brow, and whatever he had down below starting to shrivel up and die.

Welp, brain. I think we done goofed.

However, a smile began to develop on The Thing’s features. Not a sinister smile, but one of anticipation with a slight hint of deviousness. “You know, that does sound like a good idea. Maybe we could make our way into these ponies’ lives, and when they least expect it, take off with what they hold most dear. Wouldn’t that be great?”

“Uh.. uh…” Anon merely uttered.

“Since we’re integrating ourselves into this world, why not make the most of it? Live like royalty, and rob ponies blind. I think it’s a wonderful idea; thanks for bringing this up, darling.” She raised a hoof to her mouth, giggling like a school filly. Though, unlike most laughs from other ponies, this one was not contagious.

Anon curled up into a ball, hands wrapped firmly around his head, all the while muttering to himself. “Oh, shit, oh shit, oh shit.”

The Thing made her way up to Anon, peeking over his form to see his face almost hidden from view. “And you know what the best part is?”

“I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know…”

The Thing whispered in his ears. “The best part is that I made all of that up, and I’m more than happy to settle down here as long as I get to settle down with you, darling.”

It was so silent after she said that, that if there was anything to be heard, it would be considered too loud and disruptive.

The Thing coughed, trying to get a response from Anon. “You there, Anon? Hello, Equestria to Anon?”

Anon slowly raised himself off the ground, and looked directly into The Thing’s eyes. “Amber… the fuck?”

She shrugged her shoulders with a shit-eating grin. “I just couldn’t help myself, darling. You looked so desperate. You should have seen the look on your face.”

Anon, for the life of him, could barely hold in the will to smack a bitch up. He nearly died from an anxiety-induced heart attack, and here Amber is just having the time of her life. The only thing holding him back was knowing that if he did such a thing, he’d end up as just another poor, unfortunate victim of The Thing.

“So, have you had your fun, Amber? ‘Cause, boy, I can write a novel with how much fun I just had.”

“Pfft, yeah. Wait.” She laughed some more, this time audibly louder. “Okay, now I’m done.”

Anon took a deep breath. “So, what would you suggest our first action should be?”

“Hmm?” The Thing took a moment to think critically about the situation. “I guess the smart thing to do would be to head back home, or at least where Amber used to live, and try to blend in there as much as possible.”

Anon retorted, “But what about me? Sure, you can mesh well with the ponies here, looking like one and all, and already being established as one of the town folk, but I’m a fucking human being in a land of magical, talking horses!” Anon raised his head to the heavens in thought “Though, this is possibly the greatest fucking thing in the world, as well.”

Anon’s thoughts drifted towards daydreaming of what he’d do to his favorite ponies. Soon.

“Get a job for one, you lazy bum.” Amber suggested.

Anon reeled back in shock and disgust. “How dare you! I’ll have you know my mom is a very generous women, and supports my alternative lifestyle.”

“I bet she is, but where is she now, I might add?” Amber tilted her head forward and raised her eyebrows.

Anon raised a finger, mouth open, and then lowered his finger. “That’s, uh… that’s a good point, actually.” He then turned his head away. “I still resent your impudent comments on my life choices. How rude.”

The Thing rolled her eyes. “Yeah, whatever, big guy. Let’s head on back to Amb-I mean my place and see where we go from there. Alright?”

Anon shrugged his shoulders. “Fair enough, I suppose.”

“Good, good.”

* * * *

As the unlikely couple made their way into the house of the once unassimilated pony, the smell of something burning made itself known.

“Oh, Celestia no! Amber left the oven on!” The Thing quickly made her way into the kitchen, Anon following shortly after. Inside the kitchen was a small fire coming from the oven, black smoke barely obscuring the intensity of it.

The Thing swiftly hid behind Anon. “Don’t just stand there, do something. Fire bad, make fire go away.”

“Why’s there always have to be something related to fire around here…” Anon looked towards the sink, and saw a towel dangling off a rack next to it. “That’ll do. Amber, stand back.” Anon grabbed hold of the towel, and went through the cloud of smoke to reach the over. Using the towel as protection from the heat, he opened the contraption up, and soon found himself falling back on his ass as the flames spewed out of the machine.

“We might want to get the fire department for this one.”

“But how? There’s no phones here!”

“Damn it all.” Anon then tried to pick a fight with the fire, using his towel to try and smother it. It helped a little, but not much. “Amber, I’m gonna need more towels, so could you please try and find some before we get cooked alive in here?”

Amber nodded her head, and made her way out of the room to try and find more towels. Anon, for the life of him, tried to calm the flames down. First by beating them with a towel, second by pleading to God, and third by curling up into a ball and accepting his fate.

Out of all the ways I could have died in this situation, this wasn’t even in the top ten. Thanks, Obama.

The sound of hoof steps knocked him out of his self-loathing state of mind. “Anon, I got all the towels I could, quick, grab them.”

Not wasting another moment, his fight or flight instinct kicked in and he decided another day was worth living, so he made his way over to Amber and grabbed as many towels as he could and started tossing them at the fire. After he covered most the flames in towels, he raised his last one in the air, the one he started with, and beat the ever living shit out of the flames, almost as hard as he beat his dick on lonely nights.

WHAM!

“And this is for the time you dropped my pants in front of all those girls!”

WHAM!

“And this is for stealing my lunch money!”

WHAM!

“And this one is for all the times you called me names!”

The Thing went up to Anon and rested a hoof on his shoulders, giving him a light shake. “Anon, Anon! The fire’s out, you don’t have to keep beating on the oven. I’m pretty sure you won by a knockout.”

Anon was breathing heavily, trying to refocus his mind. After a moment, he got up and said. “That’ll show you, Chad.”

“What was that all about, anyways?” Amber asked, head tilted in curiosity, almost like a puppy.

Anon flushed red. “Oh, just, uh… Well, just venting, I suppose. It’s not really that important. The important part is that the fire is out and that we all learned a valuable lesson. Don’t forget to bring a towel.” He slung his towel over his shoulder, chest puffed out in pride.

“Thing is, Anon. Now we got a mess to clean up.” She pointed a hoof towards the oven behind Anon. He turned around and noticed the black soot everywhere, and the half burnt towels lying haphazardly on the remains of the once functional oven.

“Do you really wanna clean that up right now? I mean, it’s a been a pretty long day, and I don’t know about you, but I’m beat.”

The Thing rolled her eyes. “I suppose we could head up stairs for some shut eye. It is starting to get rather late, after all, darling. We can pick up the mess in the morning.”

Anon wiped the sweat from his brow, before throwing the towel in his hand onto the pile behind him. “Glad you can see to reason.”

“Come, follow me. The bedroom is just upstairs.” The Thing and Anon made their way out of the kitchen and into the living room before making their way upstairs. “It’s over here on the left.” She opened the door with a fleshy appendage that extended from her shoulder. “See, have a look.”

Anon peered inside and noticed that there was only one bed. “So, where exactly am I going to sleep? There seems to be only one bed.”

“With me, of course. We can share a bed. After all, you are my darling. Just don’t get any funny ideas, okay?” The Thing giggled, before making her way towards her bed. As she hopped up onto it, she gestured for Anon to join her. “Come on, let’s get all snuggled up.”

Anon gulped. This is not what I expected. He then remembered his duty to satisfy The Thing in order to keep all his favorite ponies from being assimilated. But the alternative to turning her down is just too costly.

“Alright, coming.” Anon said with a sheepish smile, barely holding back his fear of what will happen when he’s all snuggled up with The Thing. Who knows, she might just accidentally assimilate him. He just had to hope for the best.

He then took off his shirt, and pants, tossing them off to the side, considering they we still covered in the muck from before, and that he typically slept without them. It was more comfortable that way, to him at least.

Approaching the bed cautiously, his eyes began to wonder. In front of the bed was a mirror, and looking right back at him, other than himself, was The Thing. Problem was, she was looking an awful frisky, so much so that her eyes took on the shape of a goat’s, and that gaping orifices popped up all around her rear end.

When Anon turned his head back to Amber, she looked completely normal. Taking a deep breath, he sat down, and began to cover himself under the blankets. Just remember, this is for the ponies.

As he got himself all snug, and comfortable, he felt the warmth of The Thing brush up against, him, a long, slick tentacle running it’s way down his body. This was gonna be something he feared since he was a wee lad: a struggle snuggle.

“Whoa, there Amber. A bit touchy feely, aren’t you.”

“I thought you would have liked a mare’s touch, Anon.”

Sucking it up, he found the will to appease The Thing. He reached around her, and brought her into a close embrace. “Y-You know it!”

“EEEP” The Thing let out, her tentacle retracting back into her. For the better part of an hour, she was actually silent. Instead, her soft snores replaced her abrasive actions, and the delicate noise of her purring made itself apparent.

Looks like I’m out of the woods for now. Time to get some actual shut eye. Anon then looked down on the sleeping form of The Thing. She is awful cute like this, though.

For the first time that day, there was peace and tranquility.

Author's Note

The bit about the struggle snuggle was lifted from Little Big Pony's, The Cuddle Bandit Begins, where he told the same joke in a slightly different way. I figured it'd be funny here as well.

Also, it's been too long since I've last updated this story, let alone written anything. I hope the wait was worth it, despite me not thinking as much. I'll be sure bring more chapters as soon as I can with my busy schedule. Till then, I'll enjoy your thoughts on this chapter, including your gripes, gropes, and moans.