Chapters Zipporwhill's Strange and Convenient Butt
Author's Note
For where this cruise is, please see this map (near the bottom right):
Prolog: A Three Day Tour
Apple Bloom came to the front of the ship where her friends and sister were waiting. She could see there was some hubbub about as the various tourists took pictures and Rarity & Sweetie Belle oohed and aawed. Rainbow Dash simply rolled her eyes and trotted off to sunbathe on the side of the ship, Scootaloo following close behind.
"Ah, isn't it great, Apple Bloom?" Applejack asked, turning her head away from the sight of the wales. "It was so nice of Rarity to bring us on this cruise after helpin' her with the fashion show in Baltimare. The Celestial Sea is even better than I expected!"
"Think nothing of it, darling." Rarity said politely as she flipped her mane in the light breeze.
Apple Bloom nodded. "Thank ya kindly." She then noticed a familiar brown pegasus filly trotting over. "Say, what's Zipporwhill doin' here?"
"Oh, she has family in Baltimare she's visiting. I figured that you three could do with one extra friend, so I bought her a ticket." Rarity said with a smile and a wink.
"That's awesome! Thanks again!" Apple Bloom replied before rushing off to chat up the brown filly, leaving the mares giggling.
It wasn't all sunshine and smiles for long, however, as suddenly a massive thunderstorm formed directly ahead of the ship. The crowd, in predictable pony manner, began panicking and fleeing to the rear of the ship, while the captain ordered hard to starboard. It was no use, however, as there was simply no time to dodge.
In the panic, the foals were left behind and trampled slightly despite the best efforts of the three mares.
Sweetie & Scoots, both looking a bit worse for wear, met up with Apple Bloom & Zipporwhill on deck. "Where do we go? The lifeboats?" Apple Bloom asked frightfully as wind and rain began to batter her.
"I don't think so, we should get inside! I think Rarity ran in, but the doors are locked! We gotta tell them we're out here!" Sweetie Belle let out, hyperventilating a little.
Several thunder strikes in the clouds at once brought the attention of all four fillies. They looked up, seeing that the storm looked...rather odd. It seemed to be almost flat, with strange dark purplish gray clouds emanating outwards. When lightning struck, one bolt would happen at the center, then another a split second later further out, and another, until it reached the edge. The fillies held each other tight, shaking.
Scootaloo pushed the other three away and gestured to follow her. "Come on, if we get in the lifeboats, we'll at least have some shelter! I don't wanna get fried!"
"I'm with her!" Zipporwhill shouted, and the four went off in unison.
When the cruise ship reached the eye of the storm, the rains and winds stopped. The fillies all breathed a sigh of relief...only to then hear an ominous rumble that definitely wasn't the thunder. Their fur stood on ends, and they peaked out to see a huge fireball, crackling with electricity, coming directly towards the ship. For a bit, they all just stared, eyes and mouths large, at their likely imminent demise.
Apple Bloom, being a very practical pony, snapped out of it and grabbed the two next to her (Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle) and dragged them back down. Meanwhile, the meteor exploded on touching the deck of the ship, unleashing a strange purple wave of energy. Thankfully, the ship didn't appear damaged by it, but the wave rapidly came to the lifeboat...
Apple Bloom hurled and held on to the unconscious Zipporwhill while Sweetie Belle & Scootaloo hugged for dear life, briefly looking at each other with a mutual understanding that Scoots' normal hate of hugs didn't apply and that they'd rather go out together.
After a few minutes, the spinning had stopped, but the lifeboat continued to surf the magical wave through the ocean. Just as it was dissipating, allowing the lifeboat to slow down to a more reasonable speed, they slammed into something, sending the fillies flying out of the lifeboat, screaming.
Apple Bloom closed her eyes and only lost control of her bladder from the terrifying finale, while Scootaloo & Sweetie Belle had their eyes open, and lost control of their bowels as well, resulting in some rather comical sputtering sounds amid the screams.
Four thuds later, the fillies realized they were all alive, and slowly calmed down. Scootaloo was the first to speak. "That was...NOT AWESOME! Blegh, I even pooped!"
Sweetie, in between short breaths, managed to get out a response. "Well...we're alive...and so did I...I won't tell anypony if you don't..."
Apple Bloom looked at the two somewhat cross. "Girls! We ain't got time to talk about who pooped! Zipporwhill hasn't woken up yet, we gotta help her or at least figure out where we are!"
The next several hours were spent both fumbling with ideas on first aid and scouting the island with Scootaloo. The whole place was smaller than the Apple farm, with mostly palm trees and bushes; the only edible things seemed to be coconuts, which each filly knew wouldn't last forever. Eventually, it turned to night, and the three managed to overturn the lifeboat and prop it against a palm tree to provide shelter. The 3 huddled up together around Zipperwhill, who as far as they could tell was alright as she'd started snoring .
Zipporwhill's Strange and Convenient Butt
And They Certainly Don't Pee Lemonade
With a coconut each, and a good bit of distance between them and Zipporwhill, the CMC gathered around a makeshift kitchen.
"So, I guess we crack 'em open and drink the milk, right?" Enquired Apple Bloom.
Sweetie Belle put a hoof to hers. "Careful, Rarity said that ponies who drink a bunch of it and aren't used to it can get the uh...trots."
"Yuck, does everything on a deserted island have to be gross butt stuff?" Asked a frustrated Scootaloo.
Apple Bloom shrugged. "Well, Applejack says that ya gotta be used to gross stuff in nature, cause nature don't know any better."
"I wish Rarity were here. She always has something to deal with the gross stuff." Sweetie said dejectedly.
Zipporwhill suddenly came over, looking slightly anxious. "Hey, where do we go to the bathroom?"
Scootaloo & Sweetie Belle grunted with annoyance and disgust in unison, leaving Apple Bloom to answer. "Well, there ain't exactly an outhouse, and I don't think we got the time to build one...can't go in the ocean, Applejack said it might attract sharks. I'll find ya somewhere out of the way."
Zipporwhill & Apple Bloom trotted off together, making Scootaloo & Sweetie Belle breathe sighs of relief.
Apple Bloom stopped at an area that had some dirt and bushes, about a quarter of the way around the island clockwise from where they came ashore. "This'll work. We can dig it out and make it a latrine later. For now, just uh, go anywhere in the dirt. I won't look."
Zipporwhill trotted over hesitantly, clearly not being used to this, and squatted, the golden liquid soon flowing. Apple Bloom turned away, but after several seconds, she sniffed the air. "Uh...Zipporwhill...?"
"Yeah?" Zipporwhill asked as she stopped.
"Why's it smell so...sweet?" Apple Bloom turned towards her with a confused look.
"Dunno, I smell it too." She hesitantly put a hoof to the puddle she'd made and sniffed, then licked it. "...it's...it's lemonade! I pee lemonade!"
"You WHAT? What the hay did that meteor DO? Well, let's go over back to the other two. They're not gonna like it, but this way they'll have somethin' else to drink than coconut milk." Apple Bloom gestured for Zipporwhill to follow.
As they arrived back, Sweetie and Scoots seemed to be arguing over whether to drink the first coconut or just dump the milk and eat the flesh.
Apple Bloom cleared her throat, getting the two to stop. "Uh, so, Zipporwhill pees lemonade..."
The two stared in unison, Scoots' left eye twitching a few times before she shouted. "Oh come ON!"
"Well, we made a bowl..." Sweetie said, her face showing a look of resignation in the face of absolute absurdity. She sighed and put the bowl a little behind a bush. "Go ahead, we're both pretty thirsty."
Zipporwhill promptly squatted over it. With how weirded out everypony was, Scootaloo was the only one to even think to look away, and she eventually peeked anyways at the now blushing Zipporwhill, watching the yellow stream.
Apple Bloom, being the brave one, came up and sipped from the bowl hesitantly. "Mmm-mmm. It's definitely the real deal!" She offered the bowl to Sweetie, who did the same, then Scoots, who was even more cautious, but ended up drinking the last of it anyways.
Zipporwhill then spoke up. "But then what will I drink?"
Scootaloo gave a sigh as she trotted over and broke open a coconut into the bowl. "Way I figure it, as gross as it is, if somepony's getting the runs, it should be the one with weird meteor magic. It's not like whatever magic's in you will make it any grosser."
Zipporwhill ended up drinking the milk from all 3 coconuts while the other 3 fillies ate the flesh.
Zipporwhill's Strange and Convenient Butt
The day passed relatively uneventfully. The fillies managed to make a large hammock so they wouldn't be sleeping covered in the critters Zipporwhill's butt ate and mostly talked about how much they missed their sisters.
As the sun was setting, Zipporwhill's abdomen made some grumbles that didn't sound all that good. Her eyes went a bit wide and she blushed. "Oh no, I need somewhere to go, really soon!"
Apple Bloom was about to get up when Sweetie put out a hoof to block her. "This one's my fault, I should do it. Scootaloo, have the bowl on standby and let's do this away from camp."
Scootaloo sighed and did as she was told. The 4 then trotted out to the latrine area with Sweetie helping Zipporwhill along; she wasn't too comfortable, making pained faces and slowly hiking her tail up as some early warning farts slipped out.
They got there just in time as Zipporwhill made pained grunts. "Oh, it's coming out! This is sooo embarrassing!" She squatted desperately while Sweetie Belle held her front, and out came a slurry of...chocolate milk and mini-donuts, broken only by farts that the fillies then realized smelled like strawberries.
Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "I'll catch it in the bowl then...and this is more gross than cool." She put the bowl under Zipporwhill, who was sighing pleasantly in relief. Scootaloo knew better than to look at the source of the diarrhea, but couldn't resist, and looked right at Zipporwhill's rear exit; the 4 tentacles had stretched outwards a bit to create an inner hole for everything to flow out of. Scootaloo was mesmerized, eyes and mouth wide, when a blast of strawberry gas sent a bit of chocolate milk directly into both. The orange filly instantly closed her eyes and spat it out. "Blegh...why me?"
After another 20 seconds or so, all 3 states of matter were fully out of the brown filly.
Apple Bloom broke the ensuing silence. "So...anypony hungry?"
Scootaloo gave her an evil eye with a bit of chocolate; a glare that, if looks could kill, would have disintegrated her and anything else in a 10-meter radius on a subatomic level.
Zipporwhill's Strange and Convenient Butt
You Can Get Used To a Lot
Weeks passed, and the fillies fell into a routine. Give Zipporwhill something to eat from the beach or the sea and some coconut milk in the morning, enjoy bountiful chocolate milk, chocolate mini-donuts, and lemonade in the afternoon. Eventually, even Scootaloo began to see Zipporwhill's rear as like a portable vending machine.
Zipporwhill wasn't a big fan of this treatment, having slapped Scootaloo silly with her buttentacles when the orange filly started doing it, but after a while she relented to pressure from the three. Over time, they built some nice huts and a big fat rock arrow on the beach to signal to rescuers.
The fillies had almost given up hope of rescue after 2 months. Their coconut supply was nearly gone and, while there were plenty of fish for Zipporwhill's butt, none were sure how well they could survive solely on her excretions, especially without chocolate milk as an option.
Just as Sweetie was proposing trying a coconut-free week as an experiment, they heard the foghorn of a ship sound from sea.
"Rescue! We're saved from Sweetie's experiment!" Apple Bloom cheered and suddenly kissed Scootaloo on the lips, surprising the orange filly a bit with just a touch of spit swapping in the smooch before giving Sweetie and Zipporwhill the same.
Scootaloo spat a bit. "Blegh...just cause we're getting rescued doesn't mean ya gotta get all lovey-dovey on us! Let's go see the ship before ya get any worse."
The others shared a giggle before they all got going. Once past the palm trees, they could see it was definitely a rescue ship, and they could just about make out that there were blue, white, and orange mares on deck.
"It's them! We're goin' home everypony!" Apple Bloom cheered, and this time just hugged the 3 instead of smooching them.
Once the 4 were aboard, Nurse Redheart gave them some quick examinations. "Everypony looks quite healthy, no obvious signs of disease or injur-...Zipporwhill, what's that on your butt?"
"Oh, that . I'm not sure how to say this, but the meteor that separated us from the ship gave me uh, tentacles in my butt that I eat fish and other small creatures with."
Nurse Redheart practically dropped her magnifying glass. "WHAT? That...I..." She took a deep breath and assumed a calm voice again. "...please come to the infirmary with me alone, Zipporwhill."
The mane 6 had all gathered around and were staring at the brown filly's rear. Twilight seemed especially intrigued, and spoke up. "Fascinating...I wondered if the shockwave from that meteor would have any effect on a pony, but it happened too far offshore to affect anypony on land. This could open up whole new possibilities for magic!"
The other 5 remained speechless, leaving Sweetie Belle to try to explain further. "She also poops little chocolate donuts (or chocolate milk if she's got the runs), pees lemonade, farts strawberry gas, and sneezes taffy boogers. That's how we survived on the island. You gotta try some when Nurse Redheart's done, Rarity."
Rarity fainted so hard she nearly fell off the boat.
Zipporwhill's Strange and Convenient Butt
Epilog: The Grossest Ponies in Ponyville
Once all 4 fillies were home, Zipporwhill was inducted as the fourth Cutie Mark Crusader. Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash all objected to the fillies eating her leavings, but they eventually relented with an agreement that it shouldn't be done in public and that Zipporwhill should be allowed to say no and not be dragged around like some object.
Zipporwhill's relationship with the other 3 ended up becoming a friendship with benefits as the fillies got a bit older and hormones took over.
Word got around fast because of the rather gross nature of it, and Cheerilee had quite a time keeping the rest of her class from picking on the CMC. Thankfully for the 4 fillies, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were willing to open their minds a little and at least agree not to talk about it. After another few months, the 6 even became good friends.
Rarity was quite fortunate that nopony in the fashion world knew about her sister. The official story kept things rather vague, after all.
Twilight of course did plenty of experiments with Zipporwhill, and eventually published a book on her. She was able to replicate the effects in a spell, which was to be used only for emergencies as reversing the effects is hard and it turned out that the spell makes a pony go through food much faster than normal.
Quite a few ponies could no longer look at certain foods and beverages the same way again. Rainbow Dash in particular, after seeing Scootaloo show her what the big deal was, would get flashbacks and vomit at the sight of chocolate milk.
Author's Note
If a filly ever asks you to look at something cool, and they promise you it's not gross, run away.
Zipporwhill's Strange and Convenient Butt
But Ponies Don't Eat Meat!
When sunrise came, Apple Bloom was the first awake. She opened her eyes to see a crab scuttling right in front of them, and recoiled a bit in surprise. "Ya'll stay away with those claws!"
Zipporwhill was woken up by the racket; she yawned and adjusted her glasses a bit. "Oh my...how long was I out? I had this weird dream where something spanked me and then there were these tentacle things in spa-" She suddenly noticed the crab, and something switched on in her mind.
Sweetie and Scootaloo were just starting to yawn and open their eyes groggily.
Apple Bloom smiles. "Yay, you're awake! Ya feelin' alright? You were out all night and we were-" She trails off as she realized Zipporwhill was staring intently at a crab, looking ready to pounce. "You okay, Zipporwhill?"
Her question was answered by the brown filly launching forward and spinning around midair, revealing...4 black, round-ended tentacles poking out from under her tail. Apple Bloom stared in astonishment as Zipporwhill came to a stop just over the crab and squatted in one smooth motion as a tentacle elongated and wrappe around the crab nearly instantly. It then slowly retracted up into the brown filly's plot, making her grunt a bit in discomfort.
"Engh...what did I just do? Apple Bloom? I think I just...ate the crab with my butt. I-it tasted good!"
All 3 CMCs looked at her, wide-eyed and now fully awake. In unison, they shouted. "YOU WHAT?"
"How?" Apple Bloom asked. "Why???" Sweetie Belle inquired. "...that's kinda cool! Gross, but cool!" Scootaloo remarked.
As the other two turned to look at Scootaloo, Zipporwhill replied. "I don't know...I guess that wasn't a dream! That meteor did something to me. I know it's strange, but I really want to eat more things with my butt. Well, since we seem to be stranded here until the cruise ship finds us..." She proceeded to repeat the moves on some other nearby crabs and even a slug in the more foliated part of the island, leaving the 3 in their shock.
Sweetie Belle broke the silence. "Well, maybe we won't starve now if she can live off of that."
"It ain't natural!" Apple Bloom said defiantly.
"I still say it's kinda cool, all my butt does is gross stuff like fartin' and she gets to be the terror of the crabs!" Scootaloo said with a chuckle.
Apple Bloom's belly grumbled a bit. "Whatever, let's round up some coconuts while she's bein' a freak. I'm starvin'."
"Yeah, I think I'd rather stay away from her for a bit..." Said Sweetie Belle as she saw the tentacles pluck a fish out of the water.
