A Mad Man in A Filly's Body

"Hold it right there Postal Bloom." Shinning Armor said sternly

"I hate boss fights..." I groaned, "What do you want?"

"Those morons outside might be fooled into thinking those griffons stole all that money, but I know it was you. Twilight thinks so as well."

"So what if I did? Can you really prove it?"

"No... But one of Twilight's truth spells will do the trick." Shining Armor glared

"Really..." I groaned, "A truth spell? That HAS to be made up."

"You'll know soon enough how real it is when you're behind bars."

"I don't think so."

Shining Armor then began to laugh.

"You? Fight me? You won't last two seconds against the captain of the royal guard."

"I don't wanna fight you. I'm just gonna stall you for time."

"What?! Are you mocking me?!"

"Why mock someone who can't even protect their own country. That just writes itself."

Shining looked shocked to no end.

"Oh? Did I strike a nerve? Was that burn too much for you? Well, I'm gonna roast you just like I did that group." I smirked as I pulled out the can of Stynx and the lighter

"Y-you?! YOU DID THE MASSACRE IN PONYVILLE?!?!" He exclaimed sounding extremely angry

"Hehehaaa. The gene pool is stagnant, and I am the minister of chlorine." I grinned like a madman in reply

"Y-you sick bastard! Those people had families!!!"

"Do I look like I care? Those ponies were a bunch of nobodies. They didn't matter to anything. They were just walking targets to me."

"W-what even are you?! You're not a pony! Your not even a monster! You're just a freak of nature!"

"I'd say more of a madman in a filly's body, but I digress. Important figure or not, you're in my way. So that means you must die!"

I instantly attacked with the flamethrower only for Shining to protect himself with his shield spell.

"Sissy!" I taunted like the Postal 2 Dude

Shining then shot a laser of some kind through the shield as I switched to the dynamite and tossed it his way. The shield cracked but not a lot. I tossed a couple more weakening the shield more and throwing more cracks into it. At that moment Shining Armor shot the laser this time hitting me square in the chest and sending me into a wall where a crack pipe that looked like the health pipe from Postal 2 fell next to me. Getting a grin I took a smoke and let out some smoke before tossing it to the side.

"This can't be good for me but I feel great." I said out loud before switching to the S.M.E.G

I fired the S.M.E.G and it instantly cracked the shield and sent Shining into a wall. I quickly pulled out the stun gun before he could get up and electrocuted him with it sending him into a spaz attack. I pulled out the shovel and hit him over the head hard enough to knock him onto the floor where I pulled out the sheers and applied pressure to his horn. Shining cried out in pain as he got up and tried to shake me off but I just wouldn't let go. He kept charging into walls and other things as he tried to shake me off, but all he did was just bring further harm to himself as his horn started having cracks in it. Eventually, though he stopped hard enough to make me release and send me flying into a wall.

"OW MY CLAVICHORD!" I yelled before getting up

Shining then tried to do his shield spell... but quickly found a look of horror on his face as he found his horn was too broken to do any spells at the moment.

"Aww. Little unicorn can't do overpowered spells anymore?" I taunted

I instantly pulled out the paintball gun and let him have it. In reality, all I was doing was taunting him. I never had intentions of REALLY fighting him. I just had to stall him. Though obviously from what you've read you know I could've easily killed him if I wanted to. I could tell me not actually fighting him was starting to get on his nerves. I decided to up the antee by drinking a soda mid fight much to his confusion.

"Yeahhh one in each hand!" I went as a second paintball gun appeared in my other hoof

At this point, I was on my back legs but I had to bite the bullet on the pain I was feeling to start moving as he tried some charge and melee attacks with a spear and shield combo. Who did he think he was, Leonidas? Anyway, I could tell he was starting to get pissed off.

"STOP TOYING AROUND AND FIGHT ME ALREADY!!!" he hollered

"Nope." I taunted as I continued my paintball assault

But my fun and games stopped when I slipped on a water puddle and fell onto my ass. Before I could assess what was going on I found myself being tased to no end from Shining Armor.

"AUGH! NGH! Ohhhh my nads!" I groaned as I tried to scoot away

"Hehehe. No more fighting like a coward. In fact? You're no longer under arrest." He went pulling out a spear, "DIE!!!"

As I braced for impact I quickly hear a tackle as Shining Armor is knocked down to the ground by the guards.

Right on schedual.

I quickly ran over to one of the royal guards bawling my eyes out.

"H-HE TRIED TO KILL ME!" I weeped

"WHAT?! Shining Armor have you lost your mind?!" the guard cried out

"THAT'S NO CHILD! SHE'S A MURDERER!"

"Shining Armor she's just a kid, she couldn't harm a fly!"

"HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THESE DAMN CRACKS IN MY HORN THEN?!"

"I-I tried to buck him off of me earlier but I think I hit his horn on accident! I didn't mean to-"

"It's alright kid. You were just trying to protect yourself from a psychopath."

"WHAT?!?!!?" Shining Armor yelled at the top of his lungs

"Shining Armor, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law!" went one of the guards as Shining was placed under arrest

All according to plan.

I was soon enough brought home to Sweet Apple Acres putting on the waterworks as Applejack and the others tried to comfort me. Shining Armor was placed under arrest and a trial was to be happening within the next three days. For now, I was in my room trying to sleep. Well, make it seem like I had trouble sleeping anyway.

Yer despicable.

Oh you flatter me.

"Postal Bloom?"

"What do ya want..." I replied to Applejack

"Are ya alright?"

"Y... yeah... ah guess so..."

"Well, remember. If ya need me, don't be afraid ta holler fer me."

"Ah know..."

What the?

It begins.

Fuck.