A Mad Man in A Filly's Body

I woke up the next morning feeling like I got run over by a truck. That and like I was being cooked.

"Christ it's as hot as the devil's rectum in here. When did I move to hell... *coughing fit* ...well considerin' there ain't no derned AC ah'm gonna have ta git used ta it. *coughing fit* What the hell was that?!"

Heeey!

Oh great. Don't tell me. You're starting to take over now, aren't you?

To quote mah brother, Eeyup.

Oh great. Well you know you're gonna have no choice but to keep the massacres and what REALLY happened during the boss fight a secret right? If you tell them you'll get us killed.

... Crap. Yer right...

Well, might as well make my list of to-dos for today. I thought as I pulled out a sticky note and pen.

"Well like Applejack said time for me to visit the psychiatrist today. Like THAT could go wrong in any way." I sarcastically said as I wrote it down, "While I'm at it I might as well pay a visit to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Might as well try to make SOME friends out of the legion of enemies I'm making. Pinkie Pie might need some help with her cupcakes. I hear ponies who go there never return. I'm sure they're just crazy. Time to get moving."

I first made my stop at the hospital for my appointment to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist in question was a pegasus mare who looked like Ms. Pauling from Team Fortress 2.

"Ah. You are Ms. Postal Bloom correct?" she asked

"Indeed I am." I replied as I went and lied down on the couch

"I'm your psychiatrist for today, I am known simply as Clean Up because I tend to clean up the messes that lie within the unhealthy pony mind."

Uh.... sure.

This pony sounds like she's on sum SERIOUS crack.

I think that sentamite is unanimous.

"Remind me, why am I hear? Applejack didn't exactly fill me in."

"It was an order from Princess Twilight. She said it might help you be at ease if you talked to someone like me about your problems."

Eh, what the hell. Why not.

"Firstly, who exactly are you? Postal Bloom's a pretty odd name for a filly."

"Well to tell you the truth, I don't exactly remember what my name was. All I remember is the fact I was a guy who went to high school just trying to survive and get my damn diploma so I could feel like all my hard work actually meant something. But it seems like fate had other plans because no less than the next day after my graduation I turned into Apple Bloom for seemingly no rhyme or reason! I got so mad at the thought of all my hard work going down the toilet that I just wanted to kill someone! I just wanted to go FUCKING postal!"

"I see." Clean Up stated as she took notes, "Go on."

"But somehow while I was going postal against my room I ended up knocked out somehow and wound up here in Equestria. Well, more specifically the Apple Fields of Sweet Apple Acres but I digress."

"Has this urge to go Postal simmered down any?"

"Well in a way. Er, I mean it has."

"Um... okay then."

"I feel perfectly fine right now. Well outside of the fact ah was almost murdered."

"Understandable. A filly at your age is bound to have some kind of traumatic experience like what Shining Armor did."

"Well I wouldn't exactly say- *coughing fit* - What I meant to say was eeyup, can't believe he went postal like that. I wonder what drove him to do it."

"There could've been many factors that lead up to it. One could've been the pressure of fatherhood, another could've been having to work two jobs as a Captain and Prince of a kingdom, and another could've been the looming threat of Chrysalis possibly returning to seek her revenge."

Oh yeah I kind of forgot about that event.

"So far all that's happened to me is just killing people by accident."

"Hmm?"

"I accidentally killed Bab Seed when I first arrived here because I was jumpier than a jackrabbit, then I killed those bandits at the bank because it was the right thing to do, and then I killed a mugger who tried to rob the markets outside of Sugarcube Corner. I fear if I keep this up I'm gonna end up killing everyone."

Well, ya ain't exactly lyin' there.

"Well... That's an... interesting development."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well you see-"

Suddenly an alarm began to ring throughout the hospital.

"Oh great... Now what." I groaned

"ALERT! ALERT! PATIENT 6-2-7'S ESCAPED! WE REPEAT! PATIENT 6-2-7'S ESCAPED!"

"PATIENT 6-2-7?! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" Clean Up shouted as she ran away

Confused I just left the room and marked the therapy visit off my list. "Next."

"Next? Oh ho ho. I'll tell you what's next little filly."

My eyes widened to dinner plates as I saw who was Patient 6-2-7.

"Oh fuck. It's __________Y2K." I squeaked before taking a soda and pulling out two silenced pistols as well as taking a health pipe, "I'm about to do everyone a favor and lay you out."

"I'd like to see you try." he taunted as he pulled out a lever action shotgun

"Shit..." I went

I then took cover behind a downed stretcher and fired to my hearts content at the oncoming pedophile.

"Get down and bend over!" he shouted as he blew away the stretcher

"WOOB, WOOB, WOOB, WOOB, WOOB!" I went as I fled into a nearby hospital room

I then switched over to the AIDS Syringes and just facepalmed.

Wow, I'm such an idiot.

"Come out, come out little fily. Papa bear's got a gift for you! It's long, hard, and between my legs!"

"HOW ABOUT SOME AIDS YOU PEDOPHILIC PIECE OF SHIT!"

Before __________ could react he was hit with the AIDS Syringes to no end.

"Send my regards to Tirek in hell." I growled as __________ puked up blood and fell over dead

As I left the hospital I saw the guards looking confused as well as the staff.

"No need to fear. __________Y2K otherwise known as Patient 6-2-7, has been dealt with. PERMINANTLY."

And before anyone could ask, I was already walking away.

As I made my way towards Sugarcube Corner I had a little inner monologue conversation with Apple Bloom.

You were pretty silent back there when I was fighting against __________.

Even ah was smart enough ta know ta shut up at that moment. That was yer fight. Not mine.

I suppose that's fair enough. Though I still think the writer was on crack and bullshited an excuse for something to happen to me. Then again that's half of Postal 2's tasks in a nutshell. There's always some bullshit excuse as to why one thing happened to the Postal Dude.

Soon enough I arrived at Sugarcube Corner where Pinkie Pie was waiting for me.

"Oh, goodie! Someone came to help me make cupcakes!" Pinkie went in excitement

"I'm mostly doing it for the money, but whatever."

"We'll get started soon enough, but first I want you to try one of my newest creations!" she said offering a cupcake

"OH HELLLL NAW!!!" I went as I pulled out the Silenced Pistol, "You ain't turning me into a cupcake you psycho bitch!"

Instantly her mane deflated and she got an evil smile.

"You know what's going on here, don't you Justin?" she went

"Justin? The hell are you talking about?" I asked

"NOW!"

Before I could even wonder what she was talking about I found myself knocked the fuck out. From what you ask? Well from the sound of the object, most likely a shovel. But before I fell to sleep, I heard Pinkie's voice one last time.

"Good work my apprentice. We'll break him and make him one of us eventually."

Here we go again...

I eventually awoke in a cell and sighed. Luckily for me, I had the box of matches but nothing else. I looked around to see if there was a way for me to escape and to my amusement, and slight annoyance, there was a sprinkler in the cell. Lighting a match and tossing it into said sprinkler an alarm was set off as the cell opened up and I made a break for the door. Buuut when I did I instantly found my first obstacle. A phonograph with a message to it saying play me. Figuring I had no say in the matter I decided to hit play and it played nothing but static for a few seconds before clearing up.

"Hello, Justin. I wanna play-"

"MY NAME ISN'T FUCKING JUSTINE!!!"

"SILENCE!!!!" cried Pinkie's voice, "As I was saying, I wanna play a little game."

"Fuck me I got dragged into a game of Saw." I groaned

"If you're hearing this, then this means you have escaped your cell. I congratulate you. But you may have also noticed you don't have your weapons on you anymore as well."

"Yeah, I was wondering about that."

"You'll get them back eventually, but for now, all you have with you is a box of matches. You'll need them. The game's simple. This game is designed to break you to your very core. Make you so broken in mind and soul that you'll have no choice but want to join me and my apprentice in turning ponies into cupcakes."

"Don't you mean Mind, BODY, and Soul?"

"Why would we do anything to your body? There's nothing even there to break outside of a few bones, but even that would be unsatisfying."

"Eh. Good point."

"Anyways, I can guarantee you that the next time we meet face to face you'll be calling me master. These challenges will test you in both mind and soul. How much can you take before your mind collapses under the pressure? How much can you take before your soul gets crushed under all the weight of what you've done? Will you be as broken as Apple Bloom? Or will you be on of many to commit suicide from it all? The choice is yours."

And like that, the Phonograph ended.

"What the hell was she even talking about? Also, why does she keep calling me Justin? My name's Postal Bloom."

"Hey Justin, you gonna be up for tomorrow's sleepover gal?"

"What the?!" I squeaked as I looked around, "K... Katie? ... Get ahold of yourself. Your starting to lose it."

I took one step and felt dizzy to no end.

"I don't feel so good..." I groaned before continuing on

The next room held Cheerilee strapped onto a table.

"What the?!"

A phonograph from nearby came to life.

"Hello, Justine. As you see before you, Cheerilee has been strapped down to one of my tables. Here is the first thing to break you down. You have to cut her open and rip her insides out within a matter of 60 seconds. If you don't? Well then the next door will be forever closed. Then your only way out will be-"

*SMASH*

"-what the f?!"

I had smashed the door down and set Cheerilee free.

"TIME OUT! THAT WAS A STEEL DOOR!"

"Yeah and I've got the body of a filly who belonged to an apple farmer."

"... Fuck." went Pinkie before the phonograph died down

"Hey, Cheerilee, you alright?" I asked

"I believe so... who are you?"

"Well just call me Postal Bloom."

"Um... well. Thank you, Postal Bloom."

"Though from what ah'm gatherin' from Pinkie, ya'll can call me Justin as well apparently."

"Uh... if you say so."

"Now I think the appropriate thing to do is get the hell out of here."

"As much as I don't appreciate that tongue, I have to agree."

Cheerilee and I then moved on to the next room. There we found another horrible sight. One of the flower ponies sliced open and missing their insides. Where were said insides exactly? On a table. Said table looked to have baking ingredients of all kinds. We then proceeded to puke our guts out before looking at a nearby phonograph that had come to life with laughter.

"Hello again, Justin. How broken are you now? Well, time to add to the pressure! There's but ONE simple task for you here. Bake cupcakes using the special ingredients on the table-"

*SMASH*

"-OH COME OOOON!!!!"

"Hell to the no." I shouted as Cheerilee and I made a break for it

We soon enough arrived at a turn that had a bit of a branch into the armory. There I got all my stuff back and headed further down the path with Cheerilee. However, when we reached the next room we found a psychopathic Apple Bloom waiting for us.

"Alright, then you son of a bitch! You don't wanna play by the rules?! Then I'll just have to kill you instead!" went Pinkie's voice over an intercom of sorts

"NGH!" I groaned in pain, "I feel like shit..."

"APPLE BLOOM! KILL THEM BOTH!"

"A-Apple Bloom!!! Snap out of it!!!" Cheerilee went trying to reason with Apple Bloom as she came closer wielding a knife

I pulled out the Stun Gun and rushed over to Apple Bloom and proceeded to shock her until she fell over spazzing out. At that point, I took out the Police Baton and bonked her over the head a few times until she snapped out of her trance.

"Wh... what happened?" she asked as she got up

"RAAAAAAAAAAUGGHHHHHHHH!!!!"

At the top of a set of steps was Pinkamena wielding a missile launcher.

"IM GONNA KILL YOU ALL!!!"

"Annnd the pink party crack addict has lost it." I went, "Get to cover girls. Make a run for it while I distract her."

"What?! What are ya goin' ta do!?" Apple Bloom asked

"Important Pony or not, that bitch is going down." I stated as I pulled out the lever action shotgun

Pinkie ran down the stairs and started firing shots off at me, but luckily another Health Pipe managed to make me SOMEWHAT numb to the pain. While I was busy fighting her off, Cheerilee and Apple Bloom managed to sneak by and escape to the upper levels. I then took a soda and another lever action shotgun appeared in my hoof. This one I used to blow off Pinkie's lower legs and take the missile launcher for myself. Which I luckily managed to hide away before the guard arrived in time to see Pinkie bitting at me. Don't ask how I was able to hide it. Not even I know where all this stuff's hiding in.

"OW! CRAZY BITCH GET OFF ME!" I hollered as I tossed her towards the Royal Guards, "Gentlemen I'm starting to think Shining Armor almost killing me was NOT just him finally losing it."

After me, Cheerilee, and Apple Bloom were questioned by the guards we went our separate ways and I checked off another to do objective. "One more to go."

The only thing left to do now was to find Diamond Tiara and try to make friends with her and Silver Spoon. No way am I gonna try and befriend the CMC, I don't wanna die today thank you very much. I went around asking ponies if they had seen her recently. Anyone who didn't comply after I asked them three times met a very... unfortunate end... to say the least. Soon enough I found the duo hanging around Ponyville Town Hall.

"Hey there." I said as I went up to them

"Apple Bloom? What's with that look?" Diamond Tiara asked

"I ain't Apple Bloom. You should know who I am already, but in case you never read the paper, I'm Postal Bloom."

"Postal Bloom? What kind of a name is that?" Silver Spoon questioned

"It's best you not know. *coughing fit* But if ya want ya'll can apparently call me Justin as that apparently was mah name before ah got changed inta Bloom. *coughing fit* Though I much rather go by Postal Bloom."

"Um... okay? Why did you come to see us?" Diamond Tiara further asked

"I figured as long as I was here I should make at least a few friends and I figured you two were perfect candidates. I'm not going with the CMC because those three would go and get me killed even IF they are SEMI more responsible. I feel like I'm the only one with any actual brains around this place. Twilight's not really been that much help, neither have any of these townsfolk, or some of them have just up and tried to kill me."

"Sounds like you've got quite the bad luck." Silver Spoon pointed out

"More like I've been targeted for death and now life's doing everything in its power to screw me in some way, but yeah that sounds about right." I agreed

"Heh. Thinking hanging out with us will soften up that bad mojo you've got eh?" Diamond Tiara giggled

"Yeah possibly help calm my mind as well. A lot of things have been on it but I just can't seem to clear them from my mind."

"Don't worry. Wanna come over to my house for a sleepover then? I know ALL kinds of tricks to help a pony clear their mind." Tiara giggled

......

Yer gross ya know that.

HEY YOU'D BE GETTING DIRTY THOUGHTS TOO IF YOU HEARD THAT AS WELL!

Fair enough.

"Sounds awesome. I'll DEFINITELY be there." I said offering a hoof bump that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon returned

"See you at around 20:30." Diamond said to me before I left

"Mission accomplished. Time to head home." I said to myself as I headed in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres

Once I packed and told Applejack where I was going I made the treck to Diamond's house and I arrived at EXACTLY 20:30 where Diamond Tiara opened the door for me.

"You made it!"

"I always come on time." I grinned

EWWWW!!!

Hey, your the one thinking dirty this time! Not me!

D'OH!!