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Prologue: Two AM On the First Day of the Rest of Their Lives
Rainbow Dash rolled over in her bunk at Flight School, smiling.
In her dream, the crowd was chanting her name, The Wonderbolts had landed in front of her, amazed by her flying. For the first time ever they invited a filly to join The Wonderbolts and train with them instead of at the stupid flight school. And they made a rule that nopony who called her Rainbow Crash was allowed to see a Wonderbolts show, ever.
She had more to smile about than just a dream. Tomorrow promised to be a beautiful day for her to show the world just what she could do.
Rarity was not asleep. She was sneaking towards the edge of town, following the pulling of her glowing horn. Despite the exaggerated version of the story she would someday tell, it actually started around midnight. She had sneaked out of her house into the dark night, knowing that destiny was waiting for her and not for her parents permission.
As she left behind the houses and town and traveled towards the rocky hillsides, she wondered what could possibly lay so far away from her sewing machine that would pull her like this. Whatever it was, she was sure it was marvelous.
It had better be, her hooves were slightly muddy and she was already tired of walking. She wouldn't settle for less than marvelous at this point.
Fluttershy was asleep, a few bunks away from Rainbow Dash, but her dreams were not as nice.
Some ponies were dangling her over the edge of a cloud, taunting her. She didn't want to fall, she could barely fly and the thought of crashing into the hard ground terrified her. She flapped her weak wings furiously, trying to pull away from the bullies, but it just made them laugh.
Then they let her go. She was falling. . . falling. . .
She woke up, and hid her head under her blanket. She was hoping she could hide there all day, but she knew that too soon she would be ushered from her bunk to face a new day of humiliation.
Twilight Sparkle was counting sheep. She was on 1,082. Her parents took away her books at ten PM, at midnight they took away her study notes, and at one AM they took the book she had hidden in case they took her books and study notes.
They seemed to be under the impression that it was somehow possible for her to sleep the night before the most important test she would ever take in her life. Twilight knew that a good night's sleep was important. She knew it would be the best thing for her right now, to be in top shape for the next morning.
She just had 1,196 sheep telling her that it so wasn't happening tonight.
Pinkamena Pie was sleeping soundly. She was dreaming a good dream.
She found a patch of particularly round rocks.
Most of her dreams were about rocks. She wasn't aware of much else in the world. She didn't particularly like rocks, but she didn't particularly dislike them either. Still, she had to admit that some rocks were better than others, and round ones were the best of the rocks, being easiest for her to gather.
Finding some of the best rocks wasn't all that exciting. But it was one of the nicest things that could happen to her, as far as she knew.
Applejack lay with her face pressed into a pillow, sobbing. All that she wanted was to be home right now.
The sheets felt clean and cool pressed against her aching body. When he changed them he said they musn't let Aunt Orange see the mess she made. He'd washed her tail and coat for the same reason, the blood and filth were gone. But she didn't feel clean.
He told her that she looked lovely and sophisticated.
He told her it would make her very grown up.
He told her he would be gentle.
He lied.
He told her never to tell anypony, that she was a bad filly for making him do such things. He said that he wouldn't reveal what she'd done, and that he hoped she was smart enough to do the same.
That felt true. She felt like a bad filly. She didn't want anypony to know what she let him do. She wanted to be far away from here, someplace where this never happened, where she could forget the pain and the mess and this dirty feeling. Someplace beautiful and safe, with ponies who'd make sure nothing like this ever happened again.
She wanted to be home.
I was in this garden like ones I've seen in Canterlot. There was a big hedge 'round it, and no way in or out. And there, in the center, was that darn statue.
“How did your date go, Applejack?” His voice said. I'd had this dream too many times, it wasn't really him. Or I didn't think it was him. Or if it was him he couldn't do nothin' but read my mind, so as long as he stayed in my mind he was just a nuisance.
“Shove it.” I snapped. I might be stuck here till I woke up, that didn't mean I hadta be polite to Discord.
“That well? Don't worry, I know. Rainbow Dash's hooves were particularly eager tonight, weren't they?”
I didn't say nothin'.
“You were especially eager as well. That was one of the funniest parts.”
“Glad it gave ya' a laugh.” I said, glarin' at the statue.
“Oh, it did! And the look on her face when you told her again that you. . . how do you always put it? You aren't ready yet?”
I sighed. “I'm not. Dash loves me. She understands.”
“Of course. She understands that you don't want to have sex with her. That's all she needs to know, it gives her that delightful disappointed expression.”
“I do wanna be with her. I wanna make her understand, but. . .” I trailed off, cause there was really no use explainin' things to some voice in my head no matter how annoyin' he was.
“Let me finish that for you. 'But the Element of Honesty can't tell the truth'. You know, I've always suspected that they just handed those to the first ponies who came along. I shouldn't have bothered teaching you the failures of honesty, it turns out you built your life around the beauty of lies.”
“I'm not lyin!" I yelled. "I'm just not ready to tell her yet.”
“There seem to be a lot of things you're not ready for. You'll never be ready. It's for the best, really, you wouldn't want anything to overshadow your memories of that glorious first time.”
I couldn't take no more. I ran and bucked the statue, hard. It didn't do nothin', it never did. The statue wasn't real stone, it was somethin' from a dream.
He just went on, “I tip my hat to your uncle for sowing that seed. It just laid buried, waiting to grow into a wedge between you and anypony you'll ever love. I couldn't have done it better myself.”
I just fell down, cryin', 'til the alarm clock rang and pulled me back to the real world.
***
I hadta tell Rainbow Dash the truth.
It hurt to admit it. That here I was, Element of Honesty herself, and right in the middle of my life was a great big lie. I never told a lie 'bout it, not that it woulda worked if I tried since I'm so bad at lyin'. I just told the truth 'round it and let folks believe what they wanted.
But not tellin' the whole truth had made somethin' that sure looked like a lie. And now me and Dash had been datin' a few months, and I could see the lie gettin' bigger. Just like before, I never had to say nothin' that wasn't true, just had to let her think it.
She thought I was shy 'bout lettin' her touch me cause it was my first time. 'Cause I was careful 'bout stuff like that. And now that it'd been a couple months, I could see her startin' to think maybe I didn't want her that way, maybe I didn't think she was special enough for my first time.
None of that was true. She wasn't gonna be my first time. She missed that by more then a decade.
I was standin' in the farmyard watchin' for her when I saw her flyin' in fast. For the time bein' I pushed all of it to the back of my mind, where it belonged. It didn't belong here on Sweet Apple Acres, or in Ponyville, or in my life.
Dash landed in front of me with a grin. “Ready to go? I thought we'd race to Sugarcube Corner, loser buys the cupcakes.”
I grinned back. She made it so easy to forget. If there's one thing Dash knew how to do it was grab my attention and keep herself smack in the center of it. How could I not fall in love with that? It made up for an awful lot of her big head and bigger talk.
“Sure thing!” I answered before I could think.
“Great! Make sure you've got the bits.” She teased.
“Course I do. I'll be usin' them to get a drink since you'll be buyin' my cupcakes.”
“On your mark. . . get set. . .“
“Hold it.” I said, shakin' my head. I woulda much rather raced to Sugarcube Corner than have this talk. But I had to have this talk, and I had to do it before she got hurt. “Dash? I can't go to Sugarcube Corner right now. I gotta talk to ya' a bit, someplace private.”
“Is this a bad talk?” Dash asked, seemin' worried.
I didn't really know what to say. It was a real bad talk, but not the way she meant. She meant was I gonna break up with her, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.
“It's. . . Don't you worry, okay? Just let's find someplace and lemme say my piece.”
She didn't seem all that happy with my answer, but she walked with me towards the far orchards. She didn't even fly, and she brushed up against me, I guess tryin' to figure if I'd pull away. I didn't, I walked as close with her as I could. I wanted to feel her there.
I spent years hidin' from gettin' this close with anypony. But when Dash asked me out one day, I couldn't help givin' her a shot. She's pretty, anypony can see that. And we were best friends, and I trusted her all the way. If I was ever gonna be in love, I wanted it to feel like that.
Turns out it did feel like that. Everythin' was just the same, we still fought and played, but now there were rough kisses after a good game, and Dash's teasin' way of flirtin' smoothin' the edges off harsh words. I loved every second of it, and every darn day I looked forward to seein' her.
The only real problem was what I hadta talk to her 'bout today. Dash moved fast in datin' as much as anywhere else, and I knew I was tryin' her patience when two months in I still pulled away if her hooves moved to my flank. I had to make her see that it was tryin' my patience, too. That I loved kissin' her, and havin' her close, and I wanted more so bad. But soon as she got any farther back than my cutie mark it felt all wrong, and I had to pull away.
After a ten minute walk where neither of us said much of anythin', I went and sat down under a tree. I knew Mac was workin' on the other side of the farm, and there was nothin' 'round us but apple trees so Apple Bloom and her friends wouldn't show up.
Dash flew up in the air a little. I didn't mind so much. She was nervous, she liked to be ready to fly if she had to. I trusted her, she was my friend. She wouldn't fly away from me.
“So. Talking?” Dash said, rubbin' the back of her head with her hoof.
“It's 'bout me, and why I have trouble bein' close with you.” I looked down. I knew I was bein' foolish, but I felt so darn embarassed, my cheeks were red and I was fightin' back tears, and I hated it. I just wanted to be back at Sugarcube Corner, with my marefriend and a cupcake.
“O-kay. . .” She said, a little uncomfortable. I dunno whether that was cause she was worried 'bout a break up, or cause she wasn't real good with sharin' feelin's and stuff.
I took a deep breath. This was the time, and I knew the words, so I just had to spit 'em out for the first time in my life. “I. . . I was raped, Dash. So gettin' close to another pony is kinda-”
Dash went off like a firework before I could finish. Her eyes were wide and she was flyin' this way and that. “WHAT?! No way. When? Who? I'll kill 'em! How could somepony. . . I mean, you're as tough as me! Were you drugged or something?”
I just sat there, quiet. I couldn't fight with 'er for a chance to talk just now, I was pretty sure I'd start cryin'. I'd just have to wait for her to settle down.
She noticed for once. Her face went soft, and she flew right down to me and put a hoof on my shoulder. “Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I just. . . what happened?”
I looked down so my hat hid my face. “It was a while ago. A long time ago, really, when I was in Manehatten. My uncle. . . I don't really wanna talk 'bout this, Dash.”
Her mouth fell open, and she whispered, “You were just a little filly?”
I nodded and glanced up.
She looked for a second like she was gonna cry, but Dash don't like to cry anymore then I do. She grit her teeth and narrowed her eyes. “I'm. Gonna. Kill him. I'm gonna kill that sick bastard with my own hooves!”
I sighed, “Don't Dash. It was a long time ago, and I don't want nopony else to know. I just wanted you to know the reason I have trouble when we get close. It ain't cause I don't love ya.”
“No wonder you have trouble! AJ, I will never, ever push you. I'm totally here for you, however you need me. If you wanna talk about it, just tell me to shut up. And I'll never tell anypony, I promise.” She looked in my eyes, and I could see how sorry she was for me. “I love you, and it kills me that you had something like that happen to you. I just want to fix this, and I can't. But tell me anything I can do to make it better, it'll happen right away, no questions.”
I smiled a little. “Sugarcube, you already made it better. You were the rainbow that reminded me where my home was, where I could be safe and happy again. Without you, who knows how long. . . I'll never be able to repay ya', Dash.”
“If I could give up every sonic rainboom I ever did to make that not have happened to you, you know that I would.” She said, those pretty magenta eyes lookin' into mine. I could see she meant it with all her heart.
I pulled her into a hug. There was nothin' more I could say 'bout it, really. She hugged me back so tight I could feel her forelegs shakin'. It almost hurt, but it felt good to know somepony so strong loved me so much.
We held each other for a bit, but I'd spent too much of today on this already. I had to get back to my real life before I started thinkin' too much, so I whispered to her, “Can we race to Sugarcube Corner now?”
She pulled away, lookin' confused. “Are you sure you want to? I mean, whatever you want.”
“I wanna race ya' to Sugarcube Corner, I wanna have a fight 'bout who wins, I wanna see Pinkie Pie and whoever else stops by this evenin', and laugh and have a good time with my friends.” I said with a smile.
Dash was just starin' at me. “I can't believe you just. . . live with this.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Now, what else am I supposed to do?”
She blinked. “I- I don't know. So we just race to Sugarcube Corner like everything's normal?”
“Everythin' is normal.” I said with a shrug.
“It is.” She said soft, and I could see her piecin' it together. It happened before I met her, before I met most of my friends. Every time we'd talked, every adventure we'd gone on, every fight we'd had, I was livin' with it. Whatever she thought of me this was part of it, even if she never knew before.
“It's over, sugarcube. Been and gone. How ya' know me is how I am. You just know me a little better then anypony else now.”
She smiled, but it wasn't a real happy smile. “Yeah, thanks for trusting me.”
“I love ya'. Now, let's have us a race.” I grinned and got up, and stretched out some. “Don't you even think 'bout lettin' me win. I'm gonna beat ya' fair and square.”
She just nodded. “Okay.”
That worried me a bit. It wasn't like her to just let me say somethin' like that, not without talkin' smack back at me. But I didn't have time to think much on it, 'cause a second later she was in position, so I took mine beside her and nodded.
She took a breath. “On your mark. . . get set. . . go!”
***
After that I just went about my life like always. Most days, I never even thought about it. I got up, filled up my time with workin' or bein' with friends, and if I got some time to really think it was about how beautiful my farm was, or how much fun my life was. Most days I was one of the happiest ponies in Equestria, which is how I reckon it oughta be.
That's why what happened a few days later caught me so off guard.
Me and Mac were workin' together, stackin' barrels of apples in the barn. He was as good company as he always is, so you coulda heard a pin drop unless I got it in my head to tell him somethin', but I didn't mind much. That was just how workin' with my brother was, and I kinda liked it.
I set down a barrel and asked 'im, “Ya' hear from Braeburn recently?”
“Eeyup.” He said.
“How's he doin'?”
“Good.”
“How's the family?” I asked. I had to keep on askin' questions if I ever wanted to know anythin'.
Mac set down a barrel. “Good. His niece is goin' to stay in Manehatten like you did.”
I'd just loaded up another barrel on my back, but at that I froze. “With Aunt and Uncle Orange?”
“Eeyup.”
I turned so fast the barrel fell offa my back. “No! We gotta write and stop 'er!”
Mac looked at me like I lost my mind. “AJ, just cause the city wasn't for you, don't mean-”
“It ain't the city, Mac. It's Uncle Orange. He's-” I stopped. I couldn't say it, so I just said, “He ain't good folks. No filly oughta be stayin' with him. You gotta believe me, this is real important.”
“I believe ya'.” Mac said, still seemin' calm. “But ya' never said nothin' before, and I never heard nothin' like this from anypony else who stayed there.”
“Who else stayed there?” I said, feelin' my stomach churnin. We got such a big family, sometimes it's all ya' can do to say howdy to one pony before you're talkin' to somepony else. But if I'd heard any of my cousins were goin' there, I sure woulda said somethin'. Maybe not everythin', but somethin'.
“Well, Apple Fritter went a few years after you did, and Apple Tarty. Guess after that I kinda lost track. All them foals, ya' know.”
I was just starin' at him. Fritter and Tarty were just a few years younger then me. Likely I was too young for anypony to mention it when they went. And Mac was right, with all the foals in the family nopony could really keep track of who was doin' what and who all got their cutie marks.
And nopony knew not to send their fillies to stay with the Oranges. Nopony knew, cause I didn't say nothin'. Who knew how many of my cousins mighta been in that place with him, mighta been through what I went through, all because I was too scared to warn 'em. All I could do was pray to Celestia that I was the only one, that it only happened that one time. But I didn't have a lot of hope for that.
“Applejack? What's goin' on?” Mac looked so worried 'bout me it near broke my heart. I must've looked as scared as I felt.
I opened my mouth, but I couldn't make myself talk. If I told 'im, Mac was gonna feel awful. He was my big brother, he was supposed to keep stuff like this from happenin'. Not only that, but he'd think I was dumb for not sayin' anythin'. Especially now, when we'd just figured that any number of our folks mighta been in danger 'cause of me.
“I. . . I. . . I feel sick.” I said, and it was the truth.
I ran outta the barn to the bathroom in the house, and I threw up all my breakfast. Then I started to cry and I just couldn't stop. I laid down on the floor of the bathroom and it all came back to me like it happened yesterday.
He was so nice to me the whole time I stayed there. That night he was tellin' me how pretty I was and how grown up I seemed. But while he was talkin', he started puttin' his hooves on me, nudgin' me to sit closer to him. Then he told me we were gonna do something that'd make me real grown up. I started to get scared, and he said I was actin' like a little foal from Ponyville and not a sophisticated Manehattenite. So I did what he told me.
After, I couldn't stop cryin'. He said I was obviously too much of a baby for this, that I was real bad for makin' him think I was grown-up, and that anypony I told would know I was a bad girl cause I made him do this. I believed him 'cause I felt so dirty then, like I knew I'd done somethin' wrong.
When I got home, everypony was so proud of me for gettin' my cutie mark and takin' up farmin' that I just couldn't tell them, I couldn't let them be ashamed of me.
As I got older I got smart enough to see that it wasn't me who'd done somethin' wrong, that creep had lied to me on top of everythin' else. I felt like a fool for ever believin' him. I'd gone that long not tellin' anypony, and I figured if they never knew then they'd never see how dumb I'd been.
And none of that was any excuse for not tellin' the truth. I let down my family. I let other ponies get hurt the way I got hurt. I just wanted it all to go away so bad, and it was never goin' away. I couldn't see how I could ever look another pony in the eye, knowin' what I'd done.
But I couldn't stay in the bathroom forever. So I washed my face and hurried outside, callin' to Granny that I was gonna have a look at some trees in the south orchard. I'd been plannin' to do that tomorrow, but I couldn't go back to that barn and face Mac. He'd go back to askin' what happened, and I couldn't lie to him.
I couldn't lie, but I had years of practice at not tellin' the truth.
Chapter 2- Living With It
It was that dream again. The garden with the statue. But this time there was no way I could take it, I was in no right state already. I ran 'round the edges, already knowin' there was no way out. Then he started laughin', so I backed up in a corner, as far away as I could get. Not that it helped nothin', he was just a voice and I could hear 'im perfectly anyhow.
“So how many, Applejack? How many ponies did you help him rape?” He said, seemin' particularly cheerful.
I couldn't say nothin'. Everythin' about the sentence made me sick.
He just went on in that sing-song voice of his. “Your own family, too. Your sweet little cousins. I bet he had fun with them.”
My eyes went wide, and I could barely breathe. I wanted to say somethin', I wanted to fight it, but he wasn't lyin' this time. He was just sayin' the awful, honest truth.
“And you sent them straight into his hooves. Without your stupidity, he would have been stopped ages ago.”
I swallowed hard and looked down.
“Oh I know!” he said. “You were waiting until Apple Bloom was old enough. You wouldn't want her to miss out on having her innocence ripped from her, like you and your cousins.”
I narrowed my eyes, and every muscle in my body twisted. I screamed out, “NO! I'd never let my baby sister anywhere near that city while that stallion's livin' there! If he even looked at her, I would kill 'im to stop him from thinkin' it! I never woulda let my cousins near him, neither. . . I didn't know. . . I didn't know.”
“Well why don't you tell them that? 'Sorry, Apple Fritter, if I had known you were going to stay in Manehatten I would have mentioned that Uncle Orange likes to rape fillies. You should have told me!'”
“I shoulda known,” I said, soft, answerin' myself more than him.
“Oh, you knew. Somewhere deep inside you were gambling the safety of your family, of any little filly he might come across, against your own comfort.”
“I was.” I whispered, lookin' down.
“You lost,” he said, seemin' right happy 'bout it. “There was no safety for them, and there will never be any comfort for you. Tough luck, isn't it?”
I was fightin' back tears, but it wasn't any use. I saw one hit the ground.
“Oh don't cry, Applejack. None of this is your fault.”
I just bit my lip. “Yeah, it is.”
“I know.” He said, then he burst out laughin'.
***
For a few days I made myself real busy round the farm. I had to, I couldn't talk to another pony in the state I was in. So I got things done I'd been puttin' off, and I got us ahead on a few things that didn't need doin' for a few months yet. Any time anypony said a word to me, I just told 'em how busy I was. And it was the honest truth, but only 'cause I made sure of it.
I spent those days just thinkin'. I was a stupid, selfish pony, and I felt like Equestria would be better off if I could just find farm work to do forever, so I'd never meet another pony who I could let down or hurt. Even better if I just disappeared and everypony forgot I existed. Then they'd never even know how much wrong I did. And maybe I'd never know it, either.
It took some time for me to get myself straightened out. I'd done somethin' real bad, maybe the worst thing I could think of doin'. I couldn't make no excuses for it. But I took care of my friends, and my family here on the farm. Those folks counted on me all the time, and I'd never let 'em down.
And I sure couldn't start now. Since I wasn't gonna disappear, and I was gonna run outta work 'round here in due time, I had to go back to bein' myself, bein' a good sister and a good friend. Otherwise I'd be just a sorry waste of space, puttin' harm out in the world with no good behind it.
So the next mornin' I told Mac I'd help him out with the plowin'. I told him I'd been down lately but not to trouble himself about it. Since I seemed happy and smilin' that mornin' he let it go for the time bein'.
Then that afternoon I took Winona to the Pony Pet Play Date at the park. Everypony was there when I got there, and they all seemed pleased to see me so I put on a nice smile for 'em.
“Applejack! We didn't think you'd be able to make it, you've been so busy lately.” Twilight said, smilin'.
I could see Owlowiscious in the air with Dash and Tank. Dash seemed to be tryin' to train 'em to do some kinda formation while they flew, but I don't think the critters were as into it as she was. I had to chuckle.
“I sure have, but I'd never let you girls down.” I whipped a stick for Winona, and she ran and brought it back to me. I went on playin' fetch while I talked to Twilight. “What've y'all been up to?”
“The usual.” She said with a shrug. “We went to the spa yesterday. Well, all of us except for Rainbow Dash.”
“Hey, tough ponies don't go to spas.” Dash said as she landed by us, givin' up on Tank and Owlowiscious.
“I never would have expected a tough pony to be so afraid of a hooficure.” Rarity said, rolling her eyes from the blanket on the ground where she was brushin' Opal.
“I'm not afraid-” Dash started.
“Then go on and get one next time.” I teased her. “I'll pay.”
“I don't like ponies touching my hooves! These babies are part of a carefully calibrated system of aerodynamic perfection. You don't mess with calibrating.”
I chuckled. “I probably couldn't argue with that even if I knew what all them words meant.”
“Don't worry, Applejack.” Twilight smiled. “Dash doesn't know all of those words either. I'm pretty sure she meant 'calibration.'”
While Dash pouted, Twilight went on. “Oh, I meant to tell you, we got a new western in at the library! I brought it for you, if you'd like to read it.”
“That's real nice of you.” I said.
Twilight used magic to pull it outta her bag, “It's about this doctor from the big city who moves out west. It look-”
“I told you, she doesn't wanna read that one.” Dash said to Twilight with a nervous glance to me.
“What're you talkin' about?” I asked, confused. “It sounds like a fine book.”
“You don't wanna read it, AJ. Just trust me.” She said real quiet.
I rolled my eyes. “Twi, just gimme the book. I dunno what's got into Dash.”
The book landed in my hoof, and when I saw it I knew what got into Dash. The title was “Manehattenite in Mustango.” and Dash was lookin at me all worried like I was gonna fall down cryin' right there. I admit some bad things came to mind, but I got used to that years ago. Sometimes ponies were gonna mention that city, and I couldn't let it kick me in the face every time.
I just shoved those thoughts back for the time bein' and smiled at Twilight. “Thank ya, this looks like a good read.”
She smiled, pleased with herself, and I felt good for that. But Dash still looked worried, and I realized that she really had been lookin' out for me. I felt kinda bad for makin' her worry like that, so I set the book aside and nuzzled her cheek.
“Ya' got time to walk me home later?” I said.
“I was planning on it.” She grinned. “I gotta make sure you get home safe.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Safe? Between Ponyville. . . and Sweet Apple Acres?”
“Yeah. You never know. . .” A bit of worry seemed to cross her face.
“Dash, I'm pretty sure the most dangerous thing that ever happened 'long that road was a stampede of cattle, and if that ever happens again I don't think you'll be much help with herdin'.” I pointed out.
She just smiled. “Doesn't matter. I'm coming with you.”
“Okay then.” I said, since that's what I asked her to do anyhow. Then I heard Pinkie call my name.
Me and Dash both trotted over to where she was gigglin', and Fluttershy was tryin' to decide whether to worry or giggle. Seems Winona was tryin' to herd Angel onto a blanket, and Angel was givin' her the funniest looks. He didn't seem none too pleased bein' bossed 'round by a dog, but Winona wasn't lettin' up, and all us ponies got a good laugh outta the scene.
The rest of the afternoon went like that, playin' with the critters, laughin', havin' a good time. I was the friend my friends needed me to be, and it felt good. My friends needed me like this, and to be honest I wanted to feel like this all the time. I wished life was always this way.
No matter how hard I wished it, it was a lot more complicated than that. As me and Dash headed for home that afternoon, all the things I'd been not thinkin' bout started sneakin' back in.
Dash was quiet and walkin' next to me with Tank sleepin' on her back, or whatever it is he does inside that shell. Winona was walkin' next to me, and I was just thinkin'. Thinkin' 'bout my cousins and 'bout my friends. What if one of my friends had gone to Manehatten, had somehow got caught up with my uncle? It was bad 'nough with it bein' my kin, if somehow I'd made it so he'd hurt Pinkie or Fluttershy, I think I'd just lay down and die.
“Are you okay, AJ? Is there something I can do?” Dash asked, and I realized I'd been lookin' at the ground, kinda sad.
“I'm. . . I'm havin' some troubles. Don't go worryin' none, I'll get by.”
“You can tell me. You know you can talk to me.” Dash said, real soft. She'd been actin' like that all day, which was weird, but I had a bigger mess to worry 'bout.
But she was right. I could talk to her. She was the only pony who knew, I wasn't used to there bein' anypony out there to talk to. And since she knew, she'd work it out sooner or later. Even if she never found out 'bout my cousin, she'd work out that there coulda been other fillies, and that I never warned nopony. Best to tell her now, let her outta this mess if she wanted out. I'd understand if she never wanted to talk to me again when she knew.
“Dash, I gotta tell ya', you deserve better than me for a marefriend.” I said, plain.
“No way,” she said, shakin' her head. “I have the best marefriend ever. If this is about fooling around, I don't even ca-”
“It ain't about that. I- I did somethin' real bad. I'm sorry.” I looked down. “I'm so sorry, but that don't change nothin', it don't change what I did.”
“What did you do?” She said, worried.
“I never told nopony what happened. You were the first pony I ever told. And I found out a few days ago that some of my cousins went to Manehatten, and stayed with him, and. . . oh Celestia, I'm sorry” I muttered. I tried not to start cryin', and my heart hurt so bad I thought it would stop.
“Oh AJ.” Dash pressed right up next to me, and we both stopped walkin'. She nuzzled my face and whispered. “You didn't know.”
“I shoulda known. I shoulda thought he might. . . that he could still be. . . I can't keep on like this, I gotta make sure everypony knows, but I can't tell what happened to me.”
“AJ, you should tell somepony. You should go to the guards in Manehatten.” Dash said, seemin' more gentle with that than she had any reason to be.
“How am I supposed to do that without tellin' my family or the girls? I can't just drop by Manehatten and mention it to the guards, folks'll notice if I leave town. And if they went and did somethin' about it I'd have to say somethin' in court. Then everypony in the world would know how dumb I was, how it mighta let him. . . rape other fillies, and how it's my fault if he did.”
“You weren't dumb, you went through something that would totally mess up anypony. Everypony is gonna see that right away.” She said, and she looked real sorry for me.
I just stared at her. “You think I'm messed up. . .”
“I know you're messed up,” she said, like it was nothin'. “You love me and you can't let me touch you. You think ponies are going to blame you for stuff that monster did to other fillies. You had one of the most messed up things in the world happen to you and you kept it inside for most of your life. It's okay to be messed up by this. I know that, everypony knows that.”
“I ain't messed up!” I snapped at her. “I got a normal life, and nopony could even guess what I been through. I just wanna keep it that way, Dash. I want it to go away.”
“You can't tell the truth to any of your family or friends. For you, that means that you're messed up pretty bad. I want to make it go away too, but you're the only one who can let everypony know how evil this guy is. You have to tell ponies.” She pointed out.
But I couldn't tell other ponies. Or I could, but it hurt so much to try to do it. I tried to come up with words to make her understand.
Finally, I took a breath. “He made me have to tell other ponies. I didn't wanna tell you, I wanted to go to Sugarcube Corner and get a cupcake. But I had to tell ya'. . . it's one more thing he made me do.” I looked her in the eye. “I want him to stop makin' me do things, Dash.”
Dash looked surprised at that. Even though she held my stare, she hesitated before she said, “I- I'm sorry. You didn't have to tell me. I trust you, and if you didn't want me to touch you, whatever reason you had, I should have been cool with it. You don't have to tell anypony else, ever. You don't have to go to the guards. I totally won't judge you.”
“Thanks.” I said, givin' her a nuzzle.
“But we still should find a way to stop him- without you telling.” She added. “It's gonna hurt you until we do.”
I nodded. “You're right.”
She was quiet a while, leanin' her head against mine. Then she whispered, “You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but. . . would you think about telling the girls? Just think about it. And only do it if you want to. But you know they'll all feel like I do, you know none of them will judge you. And they might be able to help us think of something.”
“And if they hate me? Then what'll I do?”
She ran a hoof down my cheek. “Then I'll stand by you, no question. And they won't hate you. If you don't wanna be messed up, you have to trust me on that. Our friends love you, and they'll feel awful that it happened to you, and they'll try to help however they can, but they will. Not. hate you.”
Somewhere in me, I knew she was right. But it seemed so impossible. How could anypony think I was a good pony when they found out? But Dash did, and I was pretty sure she was right.
“I'll think about it, Dash. I really will, I promise.”
“Okay. But you only do it if you want to. Nopony will ever make you do anything you don't want to, ever again. I'll make sure of it.” She flashed me that amazin' smile.
“Thanks, sugarcube.” I said, smilin' back at the pony I was too darn lucky to have at my side.
Chapter 3 - Spitting it Out
“You seem to be in better spirits.” Discord's voice said in my dream, which was true. I'd steeled myself for this, and I wasn't layin' on the ground cryin' like the last few days.
“I am. I had a good talk with Dash.” I answered, still on guard.
“That's wonderful. Have you been able to, as they say, seal the deal?”
“No.” I said, sighin' a little. “But that ain't important. She don't mind. And she ain't mad that I never told nopony, neither.”
“Oh, well if Rainbow Dash isn't mad. . . that fixes everything, doesn't it?”
“It don't fix it, but we can work together to do what we can now.” I took some slow breaths and reminded myself that I done wrong, but I'm a good pony.
“And what exactly is that?” He laughed. “Can you take away the pain and terror you let your cousins experience?”
“No. But I can keep it from happenin' again.”
“Oh, you can? How? You can't tell anypony, you're ashamed of how you helped him.”
“I dunno yet, but we'll think of somethin'.” I knew we would. We had to.
“Oh good. Well take your time on that. You wouldn't want to interrupt anything.” He said, tauntin' me.
I glared at the statue in the middle of the garden. “What the hay are you talkin' 'bout?”
“Didn't you know? He has another filly there right now. While you're sleeping peacefully, he's in that room with her. . . moving closer. . . laying his hooves-” Every word he was sayin' twisted my stomach. I felt like it was me in that room.
“STOP!” I screamed. I shook my head to get those thoughts out. “Y-you don't know that's true.”
“You don't know it's not. But don't worry, you'll think of something. Someday. Maybe even before he dies of old age.”
“I will! I'll stop 'im, I swear it!” I stomped my hoof down. I had to do somethin'. I had to think of a way to keep other fillies safe.
“Go right ahead.”
I woke up shakin'. It was two in the mornin'. I dunno why I woke up, I'm usually stuck in the dream the whole night. I started to wonder if it was cause he let me wake up, which was a scary thought. He was just a dream. I was pretty sure he was just a dream. He didn't have no powers or nothin', he's just a statue. Just that voice.
But he might be messin' with me. If it was really him, if he was somehow inside me, all Equestria might be in trouble. And he might be controlin' when I was asleep. And he mighta been tellin' the truth 'bout what was happenin' in Manehatten.
I jumped outta bed and put my hat on quick, tryin' to decide whether to go to the Library or to Manehatten or just straight to Princess Celestia herself. I had to tell somepony-
I stopped. Tell somepony what? I had a bad dream. Like I have every night. But this time I woke up. Oh yeah, and I dreamed there might be a kid gettin' hurt in Manehatten. I'm sure the Manehatten guards would be real interested in my nightmares, they'd probably laugh me back to Ponyville.
I had a bad dream, that was all. But I had to do somethin', at least to make sure the part 'bout the other filly didn't come true. I didn't know if there were any fillies in Manehatten he might be able to do that to, but I could at least make sure nopony sent any to 'im. Mac had already written Braeburn, so the folks in Appleloosa oughta be safe. I'd just write everypony else and tell 'em not to send any foals there. They didn't haveta know why, just somepony sayin' it oughta make 'em think twice.
So I pulled out some paper and set it on my nightstand, and I took a pencil in my mouth and started writin'. Just a short note to each part of the family, “Dear So-and-so, I just want to let you know you shouldn't send any foals to stay with the Oranges. It's real important. Love, Applejack.”
I got through three of 'em when there was a knock at my door.
“Come in.” I said.
Mac opened the door. “Applejack? What're you doin' up?”
“Writin' somethin'.” I said.
“Writin' what?” He asked, confused. I couldn't blame 'im, two thirty in the mornin' ain't usually a time to be catchin' up on paperwork.
“Just some notes to the family, sayin' what you told Braeburn.” I said, tryin' to sound casual.
“Need some help?”
“Cause you're so good with words?” I teased 'im. “Nah, I got it. What're you doin' up?”
“Wanted a snack.”
I chuckled a little. “It's no wonder you're big as a barn, ya' know that?”
He smiled. “Eeyup.”
“So what'd ya' have? Anythin' good?” I said, smilin' back at him.
He gave a shrug. “AJ, speakin' of what I wrote to Braeburn. . . the other day, when ya' said Uncle Orange ain't good folks, what did ya' mean?”
I tensed up straight away, and the smile fell right off my face. “Just that.”
“What makes ya' say it?” He asked, soft.
I stared at him. I thought about tellin' him. But when I thought it, I could just picture the way his face would look. Horrified, then angry at Uncle Orange, then so disappointed, in me, in himself. I knew soon as I said the words I'd be puttin' him through Tartarus, and I couldn't do all that to 'im.
But what was I supposed to say? He'd know a lie. I tried to think of somethin' that wasn't a lie but wasn't the truth, but I never been good at riddles.
I'd been starin' too long, and he just asked, “Applejack?”
I gave up. I looked down and whispered, “Stop it, Mac.”
“AJ, I'm worried. I just wanna-”
“I said, stop it. Please.” I looked up into his eyes. I was beggin' him to let this be.
“I'm your brother,” he said, lookin' so gentle, and so scared. “I love you. Whatever happened, you can tell me.”
I hated that he looked scared. I knew he was makin' guesses, and he was probably guessin' pretty close. I kinda panicked, I wasn't ready for him to know.
I shouted, “Get outta my room, now!”
“But sis-” He started.
“OUT!” I yelled, loud 'nough to wake the house.
He looked shocked, and backed up to the door. “Okay. . . Sorry.”
He left and closed the door behind him, and I just stared at the spot where he'd been. I never meant to yell like that, in the middle of the night. It wasn't my fault, he got too close, and he was tryin' to make me say it, and he just wouldn't listen.
Out in the hall, I heard Apple Bloom's voice. “Macintosh? I heard shoutin'. Is everything okay?”
“It's fine. Lemme get ya' tucked back in.”
“You're sure it's okay?”
There was a long pause, and then he just said, “Eeyup.”
The next mornin' I muttered an apology to Mac over breakfast, and he kinda nodded back. Then right after that I took off for town to mail my letters and find Dash. She found me along the way instead, and swooped down to fly next to me.
“Heya, where are we going?” She said, smilin'.
I chuckled, “Well I was gonna mail some letters. And I wanted to talk to you, so I guess ya can tag along.”
“What kind of letters? And what kind of talk?”
“The letters are just some advice I wrote to my family. And I wanted to talk to you 'bout the same subject.”
She landed next to me, serious all of a sudden. “Okay. Go ahead.”
“I think I wanna tell the girls, Dash.”
“You want to, right?”
I nodded.
“Are you sure?”
I sighed. “No. But you were right the other day. I need some help figurin' stuff out and I wanna ask Twilight, but I can't unless she knows. And I guess if I'm tellin' Twilight, I might as well tell everypony at once. Get it over quicker, ya' know?”
“I think that's a great idea.” She said, smiling a little. “How about tonight at the library?”
I swallowed, and said, “Tonight?”
She saw how nervous I looked, and said real gently, “Whenever you want.”
“Nah, tonight's fine, I guess.” I said, still kinda nervous.
“Okay. But you want to do it, right?” She asked again.
I rolled my eyes. “Yes , Dash. I wanna do it.”
Suddenly Pinkie jumped outta a bush and said “Hi guys!”
Me and Dash both yelled and jumped a little, as a pony'll do when somepony pops outta nowhere. I smiled soon as I saw it was Pinkie, and went to say hi, but Dash spoke up first.
“Don't scare AJ like that!” She kinda snapped.
Me and Pinkie were both smilin', and we kinda blinked at her. I chuckled and said, “Dash, it's just Pinkie. I reckon it's my own fault for not expectin' her to pop outta a bush by now.”
“Sorry I scared you, Applejack," Pinkie said, smilin'. "But I wasn't trying to jump out of the bush in a scary way. I was trying to jump out in a hey-why-am-I-sitting-in-this-bush-look-there's-Applejack-and-Rainbow-Dash kind of way!”
“Well it wasn't nice.” Dash grumbled.
I just kinda stared at her. Dash was a great friend, and I loved her, but I'd never heard her worry 'bout anypony bein' nice to anypony but Fluttershy. I could see her getting' her tail in a twist if Pinkie startled Fluttershy, but any other time I'd expect her to be there in the bush with Pinkie, waitin' to jump out and startle me then laughin' like crazy.
“I think I'll be okay, sugarcube.” I said.
“I know.” She said, noddin' as we started walkin again, this time with Pinkie along. She walked extra close to me, and even draped her wing over my back. But we asked Pinkie to come to the Library this evenin', and she said she'd be there. Then once my letters were mailed we split up to ask the rest of the girls.
That night Dash walked with me to the Library. Everypony else was already there, and Dash had warned Twilight that what I had to say probably wasn't somethin' for baby dragons to hear 'bout, so Spike wasn't around.
Soon as I got there Twilight looked concerned, and said to me, “What going on? Is everything alright?”
“Well, uh. . . It's sorta. . .”
Dash scooted close to me, then said to the girls, “Okay guys, AJ has something she needs to say, and nopony is going to inturrupt her. And she doesn't have to tell any of us anything she doesn't want to. Got it?”
They all nodded, lookin' confused and worried.
I was lookin' at all those big eyes, the ponies I loved all lookin' right at me, waitin' for me to tell 'em. I took a breath and I tried. It was like there was a wall there, between where I was thinkin' the words and the mouth that needed to say 'em. I had to push it down to say somethin', so I started talkin', thinkin' maybe it'd give me a runnin' start.
“Well. See, I know this is gonna sound bad. But it's been a long time, and things are okay. Mostly okay. I mean, they ain't okay at all, but I'm tryin' to make 'em okay, and that's why I need to tell y'all. Not that I didn't wanna tell y'all anyway, I just wish so bad I didn't have to tell y'all. I know it's gonna make ya' sad, and angry, and I don't wanna do that to you guys. I just-”
“Applejack, dear, just tell us.” Rarity said, gentle as she could.
Dash flew right up in her face. “I said don't inturrupt her!”
“Dash! Stop that!” I snapped. Then I looked back the rest of the girls, who were lookin' between me and Dash, kinda confused. “I. . . I can't do this. I'm sorry, y'all. I'm real sorry I wasted your time.”
“AJ, wait.” Dash flew right over to me and put her forehooves on my shoulders, facin' me. “I'm sorry, AJ. I just didn't want anypony to say something wrong. I'll shut up, I promise.”
“It ain't you, I just can't.” I said. “I wasn't doin' so good before Rarity said anythin'.”
“Applejack. . .” Fluttershy said. “You didn't waste our time. We're still here with our friends. If you wanted to, we could sit down and have some tea, and just talk for a while. And if there's anything you wanted to say, you could say it. But if you don't want to say anything, that's okay too.”
“Thank ya', Fluttershy. That sounds nice.” I smiled a little. There's somethin' about Fluttershy, when she talks she can just calm anypony right down.
“I'll go make some tea.” She said. “You just make yourself comfortable.”
Twilight brought out some cushions and I sat down, 'long with the rest of 'em.
“I'm very sorry I interrupted, darling.” Rarity said.
“Wasn't your fault. I just. . . anyhow. Uh. It's been real pretty weather, ain't it?” I asked, bein' as it was the only thing I could think of besides what I'd been goin' to say.
“Um. . . yeah!” Twilight said, “Lots of nice sunny days. Of course I always feel a little guilty when we get too many sunny days in a row, don't your apple trees need rain?”
I smiled. “Nah, we had that whole week of rain not to long ago. Long as it don't go on too long, they'll be fine.”
“Oh, don't remind me of that week. My parents were out of town, so I had Sweetie Belle staying with me the whole week. Inside. With nothing to do.” Rarity shuddered just thinkin' 'bout it.
I chuckled. “I recommend havin' a barn. There ain't too much a stir-crazy foal can mess up out there.”
Fluttershy and Dash came back in with tea for all of us and they sat down too.
“I wish I had a barn to play in when it rained!" Pinkie said. "I wish I had a barn to play in all the time, actually. It's a great place for parties, and you can build forts out of hay, and-”
“Like I said, it's a great place for stir-crazy foals. . . and ponies who never grew up.” I teased her, and Pinkie giggled.
“Did you play there a lot when you were a foal?” Twilight asked.
I nodded. “Yup. When it rained, me and Mac would head out there and play all day. . .”
I kinda trailed off. Thinkin' of those days, of me and Mac playin' together, it made me feel so bad for last night. My brother loved me, he wanted to keep me safe, and he was just tryin' to show me that and I darn near bit his head off for it.
Then I had my friends, sittin' here cause I said I needed 'em, with me not able to say why. These ponies all loved me. They weren't gonna hate me, and they wanted to help. I just had to let 'em.
“Guys? I said, takin a deep breath. “I'm gonna tell y'all somethin', what I asked y'all here for today. And it's hard to say, and I know it's gonna be hard to hear. But not sayin' it. . . it's messin' up too darn much. I don't want it to take away anymore.”
Everythin' was silent. It almost hurt how quiet it was, it made my heart beat sound like a drum in my head. And that wall was still there, keepin the words inside. But no one was forcin' 'em out of me 'cept me. I was the only pony who could make me say it.
I looked down. “When I was a filly, when I was in Manehatten, my Uncle Orange. . . he raped me.” I could hear the gasps, Pinkie and Rarity especially. Dash gave me a squeeze with her wing, and outta the corner of my eye I saw her motion for folks to keep quiet.
I fought back some tears, but I didn't break down. I just went on, “I never told nopony, 'til I fell in love with Dash and had to. . . well, I had to tell Dash. And Dash said I oughta think 'bout tellin' y'all, cause I need some help. See, I found out that some other fillies in my family mighta stayed there after me. So they mighta. . . It's my fault. I'm the element of honesty! All I had to do was tell somepony, anypony. . . I'm sorry, y'all. I'm sorry.”
My voice was kinda shakey by the end, but I wasn't cryin'. I looked up, into the stunned and sorry faces of my friends, wonderin' if somepony was gonna say somethin', or if they all just couldn't believe I'd done somethin' so bad.
“Applejack?” Pinkie said, more softly than I ever heard her. She came up and gave me a nuzzle. “It's okay that you're sorry. I'm sorry too. But you know that you shouldn't have to be sorry, because you shouldn't have had to tell somepony to stop your uncle from hurting fillies, because he never ever should have hurt you like that to start with, right?”
“Pinkie is. . . right.” Twilight said, clearly surprised to be sayin' it. “Maybe saying something would have helped, but you were just a kid. You never should have had to think about that. . . I'm so sorry.”
Rarity smiled at me. “The pony responsible for these horrible acts deserves every single bit of blame. Do not waste an ounce of it on yourself, darling. None of us will.”
“But I coulda saved 'em.” I tried to explain. “I coulda saved 'em from the worst things a pony can feel, and I didn't. And he's still out there and I wanna make sure it never happens again, but I feel like if I tell. . . I'll be showin' the whole world what an awful pony I am.”
“Nopony thinks you're an awful pony. Nopony.” Dash said.
“I think that you're really brave,” Fluttershy said. “I mean, if I had been through that I think I'd be scared. . . um, even more scared. And you're almost never scared.”
I smiled a little. “I'm scared sometimes, but only of dumb stuff.”
“Like what?” She asked.
I blushed. “Well, the reason I told Dash is. . . I get scared when somepony touches me.”
Pinkie's eyes got real big. “But we touch each other all the time! Oh no, you aren't scared all the time, are you? I don't mean to be scary like that, it's just all my friends are so cuddly and I love to cuddle them but I never thought it could be scary!”
“No, Pinkie, not when somepony hugs me or's playin', or even fightin'. It's when somepony starts to get. . . close. Like, ya' know, a marefriend.” I shook my head, “Like I said, I know it's dumb. And Dash's bein' great 'bout it.”
“It's nothing, AJ.” Dash said, leanin' against me.
“And that's not dumb,” Twilight added, real kind. “It's understandable. Sometimes a situation will remind you of something scary, and you'll get scared again. That's just your brain trying to protect you.”
I smiled. “We'll it'd be nice if my brain would let up on Dash. For one thing, she ain't gonna hurt me, and for another I know darn well I can take her.”
“I can not believe there's a pony in the world who would be so evil,” Rarity said, her eyes narrowed. “To steal that from you, on top of all the suffering he put you through. . . ponies like that should be destroyed.”
“I don't know about destroyed, but he should definitely be punished somehow.” Twilight agreed.
“Punished painfully.” Dash added. “Destroyed painfully works for me, too.”
“Now, I don't want nopony I love gettin' in trouble over this.” I said, mostly to Dash. She nodded.
“I could write to Princess Celestia!” Twilight said.
“No!” I shouted. My eyes went wide. If I was a little scared that my friends and the ponies I loved would be disappointed in me, the idea of the princess findin' it out scared the livin' daylight's outta me.
“Why not?” Twilight asked, confused.
“'Cause. . . what if she won't let me be honesty no more, when she finds out I been lyin' and hidin' things? What if she don't want ya' to be friends with me no more?” I said, my voice getting' shaky again.
Twilight just stared at me with her mouth open. “Applejack, that's crazy.”
I stared right back at her and I felt tears in my eyes again, cause she was right. Just like Dash was right 'bout me tellin' my friends. And I thought 'bout yellin' at Mac, and the dreams I was havin', and snappin' at Dash when she said I was messed up. I was messed up, real bad. I couldn't even tell who I could trust when it came to this.
I started to cry, but I just muttered. “Fine. Fine, go on and write the darn letter.”
“No.” Dash pulled me close to her, and I dried my tears on her neck. “No, it's not fine, AJ.”
She looked up at the girls, who were lookin' kinda confused. “Okay, guys, there are some things you all have to understand. Nothing happens with this unless AJ wants it to happen. We don't say anything to anypony, including the princess, unless she really wants to. Even if that seems weird to us, even if her reasons are messed up. Everything about this is AJ's choice.”
“I'm sorry, Applejack.” Twilight said softly. “If you want me to write to Princess Celestia, just let me know.”
“Let any of us know if there's any way we can help.” Fluttershy added.
Rarity nodded. “Yes, darling. Whatever you want.”
I told 'em the truth. “I want for things to be normal. This all kinda blew up on me at once. First with Dash, then I found out 'bout my cousins, and now my brother wants to know what's wrong and I'm stuck dealin' with this day in and day out and I don't want it. I just wanna forget again.”
“Okay then. . .” Pinkie said, smilin' “Let's have a slumber party!”
“Pinkie! AJ doesn't want a part-”
I cut Dash off. “I do. I wanna have a slumber party. Would you girls mind? I know it ain't the best start to one. . .”
They all looked around confused, 'cept for Pinkie who was grinnin'.
Finally Twilight smiled, “Um, sure!”
“Of course. A slumber party could be. . . fun.” Rarity said, not quite sure what to make of this.
Fluttershy sorta blinked. “If you're sure that's what you want. . .”
Dash shrugged. “Okay. Slumber party. Right.”
“Goody!” Pinkie bounced up off her cushion, and pulled out her party canon. I'd love to know where she keeps that thing, it's come in handy more than once. She had the room all partied up in no time, and Twilight got out extra blankets and pillows for us all.
We spent all evenin' havin' fun. We talked and played games. I let Rarity give me a makeover, on the condition that me and Dash got to give her a makeover. I reckon I did look kinda pretty, if a pony likes half an inch of make-up on a mare. And Rarity looked pretty too, if a pony likes clowns. But it was all in good fun, and we were crackin' up by the end.
It was just what I needed after the day I had, some time with my best friends where I could forget everythin' bad. I didn't think anythin' 'bout it all evenin', and I drifted off to sleep with Dash's wing draped over me, feelin' happy and safe.
Chapter 4 - Acting Normal
I'd kinda hoped that maybe at Twilight's, he wouldn't find me. Or maybe havin' Dash snuggled up to me might keep 'im away. I wasn't that lucky.
“Well, that was impressive,” his voice said, soundin' unimpressed. But I wasn't gonna let 'em get me down tonight.
“Yup. Not one'a my friends thinks I'm a bad pony,” I said, smilin'.
“So, they think what you did was right?”
“Course not.” I frowned a bit. “But they see why I did it, and they don't hate me for it. Just like Dash didn't hate me for it. I got Dash, and I got my friends, I'm gonna be okay.”
“You know why Rainbow Dash doesn't hate you.”
“'Cause she can see that I've tried to do good. She knows I didn't know, or I'd never have let it happen.”
“Because she thinks you're insane.”
I just rolled my eyes. “Well, come to think it, I do got these dreams where I'm talkin' to a statue with a demon trapped in it.”
“An excellent point!” he said, real happy. ”And there was that letter you didn't want to write to Princess Celestia, and you wanted a party after telling your friends you were raped, and, of course, you still haven't let Rainbow Dash touch you.”
“I ain't crazy. Those things were just-” I started, but now that he mentioned it. . . no. No way was I gonna let a dream of Discord tell me I was crazy. “I can deal with this, I just gotta be careful. For instance, I gotta remember that you're just a dream.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Yeah, you're just a dream. You ain't really Discord, so there's no harm in you even if you say awful stuff.”
“You're absolutely right. After all, why would I- I mean why would he want to haunt the dreams of one of the Elements of Harmony while she slowly goes insane? ”
My eyes went wide. “It ain't gonna work! I ain't crazy, and I'm gonna tell Princess Celestia 'bout you.”
“About your dream? Go right ahead. Tell her why you're having these dreams. While you're at it, tell her how you lied so that I could get into your head. I can't wait to see the disgust on her face.”
I swallowed hard. He was right. If Princess Celestia knew I'd been lyin' and that I hadn’t told 'er right away when I started havin' these dreams, she'd be real disappointed. Twilight thought I was crazy, but she was the princess's favorite student. She could get away with a lot more than an apple farmer, and still be an Element of Harmony.
“I can't,” I said lookin' down.
“That's okay. Because I'm not really Discord. You're just losing your mind,” he said, then he paused a second before he went on. “Wait a minute, isn't that something I would say? ”
***
I woke up. It was the middle of the night again, and my friends were all sleepin' 'round me, Dash was cuddled up against me. I thought 'bout wakin' up Twilight to ask if the Elements might work on my dream, but that would've meant tellin' her 'bout the dream, and Twilight already thought I was crazy.
'Course, she might be right.
I didn't wanna be crazy. It'd be better to be dealin' with Discord again than to know I just couldn't think right. How's a pony supposed to live, knowin' that anythin' they think, that any way they feel bout somethin' might be wrong and only other ponies can see it? What was I gonna do if nopony could trust me, if I couldn't trust myself?
I couldn't keep thinkin' bout this, and I couldn't let myself stay up all night again, so I got up real quiet and went down to the kitchen for a glass of warm milk. I was surprised to see the light was on, I thought everypony was asleep. But when I got to the door, I saw I'd been wrong.
Rarity was there, sittin' by the table and holdin' a mug of tea in her magic. She wasn't drinkin' it though, just lookin' down at the table.
“Um, heya. Havin' trouble sleepin'?” I asked as I walked over and got out the milk.
“Applejack! You surprised me, I- I was just thinking about you.”
“What about?”
“Well. . . what you said.”
“No wonder you're havin' trouble sleepin'. Rarity, it's past. There's nothin' you could do now, and you were just a foal-”
Rarity choked back a sob, and I stopped. She was cryin'. I wondered for a second if somethin' happened to her, and I prayed that it didn't. But just in case, I set the milk aside. I walked up and nuzzled her and didn't say nothin'. If she wanted to tell me what was wrong, she knew I was there for her.
“Applejack, stop, please. I have something to say and it may- it may cost us our friendship, but I have to tell you. And if you hate me afterward, it's my own fault and only what I deserve,” Rarity announced, soundin' less like she was readin' from a play than she usually did. I stayed quiet and let her talk.
“Do you remember when you came back to school, after you were gone, and the other foals were saying that you went away because you were so much trouble that your family didn't want you?”
“I reckon I do, some,” I nodded. “I was so glad to be home that some teasin' from foals wasn't worryin' me much.”
“I started that rumor,” she said, lookin' at the floor. “I've always felt horrid about it, I knew then that it wasn't a nice thing to do. I started it because. . . I was jealous. . . that you got to stay in Manehattan.” By the end, she was whisperin' softer than Fluttershy.
She looked so sad 'bout it I almost couldn't take it. “Aw, sugarcube, you didn't know. You just wished ya' got to go to the big fancy city, and got a little foalish when somepony else got to go. I hardly even remember it.”
“I can't imagine that I did something like that. I mean, you had just been. . . I feel like a monster,” she said. I knew she was serious, cause she wasn't even cryin'. She was just starin' at the floor like she couldn't look up at me.
I gave her a nuzzle. “It was a long time ago, Rarity. You weren't a monster, you were a foal. And you've grown up a lot since then. You're a good friend, I promise ya' that.”
“I know. But I don't think I can ever forgive myself.”
“I need ya' to try. For me,” I said, soft. “'Cause the last thing I wanna do is cause more pain to more ponies.”
That got her to look up at me, surprised. “Applejack, you haven't-”
“I ain't told Mac yet. I think he's guessed, but I just can't tell 'im. I shouted at him last night when he asked me what's goin' on. I don't wanna hurt him, Rarity. He's gonna be so mad at himself when he hears it, he's gonna hate how he couldn't protect me.
“And poor Dash. She gets so worried for me, cause I’ve been actin' crazy. Cause maybe, I am crazy. I feel like I tricked her into bein' my marefriend, she never wanted none of this,” I sighed. “I hurt everypony I tell 'bout this.”
“Darling, you did nothing to hurt me. I hurt you, and I'm very sorry. If you require me to never mention this again, I won't.”
“Thank ya. And I'm sorry it's like this,” I said, lookin' down a little.
“Please stop apologizing.”
“I dunno what else to say.”
“Say nothing, darling. Allow me to get you that milk, and try to get some sleep.” She lifted the milk off the counter with her magic and poured it in a cup for me. I smiled.
“Only if you'll try to sleep, too.”
“Agreed,” she said, tryin' to smile a little.
I drank my milk, and she finished her tea, but neither of us said much else. I couldn't think of much to say but sorry, since she wouldn't be feelin' bad if I'd never told what happened, and she didn't wanna hear that. I guess she couldn't think of much but how bad she felt, and she knew that'd make me feel bad. So I kinda sat there with one'a my best friends and didn't talk.
But after we finished, we went back to the library real quiet, and I laid down next to Dash. She was still asleep, but soon as she felt me, she wrapped her forelegs 'round me and I had to smile. I didn't get much sleep the rest of the night, I kept wakin' up every couple hours, but I didn't have no more dreams. And every time I woke up, I got to nuzzle Dash, so I couldn't complain much.
The next morning, I got up early and made my way home. I still had work to do, and I spent enough time dilly-dallyin' yesterday. There were trees in the west orchard to prune, so I spent my day pullin' down the dead branches, haulin' 'em to the brush pile, and rakin' the leaves.
I thought a lot while I worked. I thought 'bout Rarity, and Dash, and how much it hurt 'em to know that I was hurt. I thought 'bout Mac and how he'd seen it in how I acted, and how hurt he looked, too. I though 'bout not bein' able to think right, and how this all started when I started hurtin' other ponies. That just wasn't who I was, I didn't hurt other ponies.
I shouldn't have told anypony, I shoulda sent the letters I sent, sayin' to stay away from Uncle Orange, and just not said anythin' 'bout what happened to me. And I shoulda just got over myself with Dash. Just stopped actin' crazy. That's what I had to do, just stop actin' crazy. Then I could just be with Dash like I wanted, and everythin' could go back to normal.
So that evenin', I met up with Dash and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk in the orchard. One thing lead to another, and we were sittin' under a tree and kissin' like usual. The moon was bright, and our spot was quiet, with soft grass and some nice strong trees round us, so it felt cozy and safe. It was nice, 'cause it was normal.
I loved the way she kissed me, pressin' hard like the kiss was everythin' she wanted in the world right now. It was all I wanted, too, so I helped her out, kissin' back just as hard. My forelegs wrapped 'round her, strokin' her strong back and those amazin' wings, brushin' the edges of my hooves along her feathers. I felt her shiver, and she moaned in the kiss.
When we broke it she bit her lip and pulled back a bit. I leaned towards her and nuzzled her.
“Sugarcube, wanna let me rub them wings some more?”
“Mmm. . .” she smiled and closed her eyes, then they popped open again. “I mean, nah. It's okay.”
“I don't believe that,” I said, rubbin' a bit at the base of one wing.
“AJ!” Dash protested, but she was grinnin'. “Don't, you'll get me all. . . you know.”
“Maybe I want ya’ like that.” I smiled and started kissin' her cheek.
“No way,” Dash said, pullin' away again. “It's not fair. I told you ages ago, I'm not taking anymore than I give you.”
“Well, I wanna try again, Dash,” I whispered.
She looked like she was makin' a hard decision, and I understood that. How this usually went was, we made out for a while and things got nice and hot, then she went to touch me and I stopped everythin' cold. I'd usually lost all interest in anythin' by then, but that left Dash hot and frustrated and worried for me, which I felt bad 'bout cause I reckon it was no fun at all.
“I'm gonna be okay this time,” I went on. “I ain't gonna leave ya' wantin' again.”
"Are you sure?" Dash asked, still a little wary. "You haveta be the one who wants this."
I grinned and whispered in her ear, "Oh, I want it alright."
“Okay then." She smiled. "I love you, AJ.”
“I love you too, Dash,” I said, kissin' her lips.
She kissed back, and we wrapped our forelegs around each other. I went back to brushin' her feathers, and she stroked my back. I relaxed, feelin' like I was meltin' in her arms. Everythin' felt perfect, especially when she rolled me on my back and I felt her weight on top of me like a warm blanket.
I kept my forelegs around her, and she shifted hers so her hooves were brushin' my sides. She broke the kiss and started kissin' my face, and down my neck. Her body shifted lower, and her hooves started movin' down my sides, bit by bit. I got a little nervous, but I pushed it back by runnin' my hooves over that beautiful mane.
Then her hooves started rubbin' my flanks, and like a wave, it washed over me; this wasn't right. I wasn't supposed to be there, I wasn't supposed to be doin' that. I had no idea where I needed to go, 'cause I didn't wanna go anywhere else.
I couldn't feel like that. That was crazy, I loved Dash, I wanted her. I took a few deep breaths.
Her hooves paused, and she looked up with those pretty rose eyes. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“Can I go farther?” she asked softly. “It's cool if you say no.”
I took a second. I loved her. I wanted her. Finally, I said, “Yeah, please.”
She studied my face. “Are you sure?”
I just nodded at her.
She started kissin' down my neck, and her hooves started runnin' all over my flanks, even towards the back, brushin' my tail. I felt like I was gonna be sick. I just wanted to get away more than anythin'. I closed my eyes tight and bit my lip, tryin' as hard as I could to remind myself how many times I thought 'bout this, and how happy it'd made me in those dreams.
“Do you wanna move your tail for me?” she whispered. I realized my tail was tight up against me, coverin' everythin' between my hind legs.
I didn't wanna move my tail. I wanted my tail right there, protectin' me. But protectin' me from what? From the pony I loved makin' me feel good and loved? I was thinkin' crazy still, but I was gonna act normal this time. And if I acted normal enough, I'd get used to bein' normal and it'd all go away.
I moved my tail, uncoverin' my privates. It seemed to take all my strength, like every part of me had to work to force my own tail to the side. I didn't think I could move any other part of my body, from the work it was takin' to keep my tail away.
Then Dash ran her hoof 'long my marehood and my eyes went wide as I bit back a scream. It was a good thing I couldn't move, or I woulda bucked her without thinkin'. She could not be touchin' me there. I wanted to push her off me and yell at her to stop. I wanted to curl up and cry.
“Is that- AJ, what's wrong?” Dash pulled her hooves away as fast as she could, lookin' at me, scared.
“Nothin', go on,” I managed to gasp.
“No way.” She shook her head and flew right off me, lookin' real concerned. “I am not gonna keep going with you looking like that. Why are you looking like that?”
I made myself breath real deep, and relaxed a little since her hooves weren't on me. “I'll be fine, Dash. Just please, take me.”
“You didn't want me to touch you, did you?” she said, seemin' a little angry.
“I'm fine!” I snapped.
“Are not!” she snapped back. “You look really weird, and you're trying to get me to do things to you that you don't want! Do you think I'm that bad off, that I'd be okay with hurting you like this?”
“I want it!” I yelled at her. “I don't want it to hurt me, just havin' my marefriend touch me! I wanna be normal, so I figured if I just acted normal, I'd be okay again someday.”
“AJ, you're messed up. If you keep trying to act like you aren't, it'll hurt you. And that's going to hurt the ponies who love you. I'd give my wings to keep from hurting you, and when I saw your face. . .” She looked a little like she might cry. “Oh Celestia, AJ, please don't ever let me hurt you like that.”
I was still riled up. “Stop sayin' I'm messed up! I don't need to hear it! I get it all night from him, and all day from you, and I ain't messed up! Least, I never was before I started goin' out with you!”
“Him? Him who? Did you tell Mac?” Dash looked confused, and I realized I said too much.
“That ain't important!”
“You should've told me you told Mac. How did that go?”
“I didn't tell Mac yet.”
“Then who's been calling you messed up at night?”
“I- I- It's a dream. Just a dream.” I put my hoof in it this time. I couldn't tell her 'bout the dreams. She already thought I was messed up, she'd think I was plumb crazy if I told her.
“So who is he? Is it. . . him ?” She narrowed her eyes.
“No, it ain't Uncle Orange. Dash, leave it. It's just a dream.”
Dash went right back to lookin' confused. “Is it a dream about Mac? AJ, we don't know many guys.”
I grit my teeth. “You don't listen real good, do ya'?
“I just wanna know,” she said, rollin' her eyes. “I'm trying to help you.”
I just stared at her a second, then I said, “You wanna help me with how you think I am! You think I'm messed up, so you wanna know my dreams so you can prove it! You keep treatin' me like a foal, and yellin' at anypony who treats me normal! You won't even let me decide when I'm ready to have sex with ya'! Don't I get some say in how I am, and what I do and how my friends act to me? Or do you just wanna run my whole life for me? Maybe you can have the damn dreams while you're at it.”
Dash looked shocked. “AJ, calm down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? I'm trying to help. I'm trying to make things right, but I don't know how.”
“You think there's some way to make this right? There ain't. It's wrong, and it's gonna be wrong 'till the day I die. All I can do is live with it, go on with my life like nothin' happened. I shouldn't have told ya,” I said, gettin' to my hooves.
“AJ, you wanted to tell-”
“I shouldn't have told ya!” I shouted at her. “I shouldn't have told anypony! It ain't done me a bit of good, it's changed everythin' between us, it's hurt Rarity. . . I'm goin' home.” I started to walk, and she started flyin' beside me.
I stopped and so did she. I just looked over at her. I couldn't handle all this. Just her bein' there was makin' me feel like I might be messed up, and I couldn't be messed up. I couldn't be crazy. It hurt too much, thinkin' I'd never be normal, I'd never be safe, I'd never be able to let somepony touch me. Dash, she started it all. I've been fine when I was by myself.
“You ain't comin' with me,” I said, calm. “In fact, I think I'd rather not see ya' for a while. I'd rather not have a marefriend at all right now.”
“What?!” Her eyes went wide and she froze in place.
“This is all messed up, Dash. Everythin's all messed up, maybe I'm all messed up. All I can do is go on like nothin' happened.”
Dash still looked like she couldn't believe what I was sayin’. “AJ, please-”
“If you care 'bout me, just lemme go, okay?” I said, ignorin' the rest of what she was gonna say, and walkin' towards the farm house.
I didn't look back at her, I knew how she was lookin' and I couldn't have walked away with her lookin' at me like that. But I couldn't stay, neither. It was hurtin' everypony, me tryin' to deal with this, and I'd give anythin' to keep from hurtin' other ponies.
I got home and went straight to bed. I didn't even turn on the light in my room, I just laid down in the dark, not botherin' to take off my hat or my ribbons. At first, I just felt kinda numb. I’d really just broken up with Dash? I just walked away from the best thing in my life, the pony I loved, my best friend, and the pony who'd stand by me no matter what? Had I really lost my mind this time?
I hadn't. I knew I hadn't. Dash was what was makin' me think that, bein' with her was too complicated. I had to keep my life simple, and I had to keep other ponies from gettin' into this mess, 'cause there was no way outta it and they didn't deserve to be here with me. It wasn't so bad, I could still have friends, and my family, and my farm. Just so I kept 'em all apart from me, so all the wrong in me didn't start gettin' to them, too.
I just had to be strong. Dash was probably hurtin' right now, but she'd be okay soon and she'd find a pony who was better for her, who deserved all that love that she wanted to give. And my friends would all forget it soon, if I could act normal 'nough. I hoped so, at least.
I took off my hat, and my ribbons, and got ready to face my dreams. I wasn't scared of him tonight, I took care of it. Things would be back to normal by mornin', and I'd be back to normal, too.
***
I was back in the garden, but I didn't hear his voice. The statue was still there, though. I looked 'round, but nothin' was different.
Then I heard some hooves on the other side of the statue, and heard somepony mutterin'. I'd never met another pony in the garden here, so I walked round the statue real careful.
The other pony there was me, standin' there and mumblin' at the statue, “Glad it gave ya' a laugh. . . I'm not. Dash loves me. She understands. . . I do wanna be with her. I wanna make her understand, but. . . I'm not lyin! I'm just not ready to tell her yet.”
The other me ran and bucked the statue, then fell down sobbin'.
I looked pretty crazy without hearin' him talkin' back to me. But I knew he'd been talkin'.
Right?
“Discord?” I said. “I know you're here. This's got your nasty smell all over it.”
The other pony didn't say nothin', but that voice didn't answer me neither.
“Look, if ya' ain't gonna say nothin', I ain't gonna say nothin',” I said to the statue, keepin' an eye on the other me. “No point in me sittin' here and lookin' crazy.”
Then the other pony, or me, or whoever she was just got up, and started mutterin' again, “NO! I'd never let my baby sister anywhere near that city while that stallion's livin' there! If he even looked at her, I would kill 'im to stop him from thinkin' it! I never woulda let my cousins near him, neither. . . I didn't know. . . I didn't know. . . Well come to think it, I do got these dreams where I'm talkin' to a statue with a demon trapped in it.”
It was darn weird, watchin me talkin' all crazy to myself. I could remember sayin' all them things, but I'd been talkin' to Discord, in his statue. I knew I had. I looked at the statue, kinda worried. “Um, ya' are here, right?”
There was no answer, and the other me just went on to herself, “What the hay are you talkin' 'bout?. . . I ain't crazy. I can deal with this, I just gotta be careful. For instance, I gotta remember that you're just a dream.”
I bit my lip. She- I- that pony was getting' kinda worked up now, and I was scared how she looked. I was scared she was me, that I looked like that. I woulda given anythin' if he'd start laughin, if I knew this was one'a his tricks. “Please be here? Somepony please be here?”
“I shoulda known. . . Yeah. Yeah, you're just a dream, you ain't really Discord, so there's no harm in you even if you say awful stuff.”
I muttered to myself, “I ain't crazy. I ain't crazy. I- I'm talkin' to myself. I was talkin' to myself the whole time. It's just a dream. . .”
“STOP!” the other pony yelled. I jumped a bit, but she still didn't seem to notice me. “Y-you don't know that's true.”
“Wait, does that mean I'm crazy, or I ain't crazy?”
“I dunno yet, but we'll think of somethin'. . . I can't.”
I just fell to my knees and covered my face with my hat. “Oh Celestia, help me. I just don't know no more. Please help me. Please. . .”
