Substitute Teacher: Twilight Sparkle's Schoolhouse of Horror
Twilight's Dilemma
“What do you mean, you don’t have any?!“
“I’m terribly sorry, Miss Twilight, but we simply don’t have any… equine anatomical dioramas, or whatever you call them…” The shopkeeper informed an irate Twilight Sparkle.
“But this is Knick Knack’s Uncanny Curios and Collectibles! Surely you’d have something as bizarre as a pony skeleton and organ replica! Could you at least check?!” Twilight pleaded in desperation.
“I’ve told you already, I know for a fact that I’ve got nothing of the sort in my shop! Now please leave or I’ll be forced to call the cops on you!”
Twilight heaved a sigh of disappointment. “Thanks for your time, I guess…” She muttered as she left the building.
It was a chilly Friday afternoon in late October, the kind of day which would bring anypony’s mood down. The sky was overcast and dismally gray, and a few dead leaves swirled about the unicorn’s hooves as she hurried home. Upon arriving, she found her baby dragon assistant sound asleep on the coffee table, his pegasus-feather duster still in hand.
“Spike! Mr. Knick Knack didn’t have one, either! Oh, this is getting absolutely ridiculous,” The wisteria unicorn fumed, snapping her fatigued helper out of his slumber.
“C’mon, Twilight, can’t you let me have just a little more sleep? You’ve worked me practically to the bone for this project, and I don’t know how much more I can ta”—
He was abruptly cut off when he found himself face-to-face with t, her horn crackling and just inches from his head.
“Get. Back. To. WORK!”
“Okay, okay, I’m going! Sheesh, you don’t have to be so pushy…”
That’s quite the temper, even for Twilight! I wonder what’s gotten into her…
Noticing that Spike was quite fazed by her uncharacteristic outburst, Twilight shook her head vigorously and attempted to explain herself.
“Gee, I’m sorry Spike… It’s just that this task is a direct order from the Princess: Celestia is counting on me to complete this research project on Changeling behavior in to prepare for the impending invasion. Everypony in Equestria is depending on me right now, and I going to let them down just because I don’t have a bucking reference for pony anatomy!”
Spike ignored his roommate’s vulgar language, brushing the sleep from his eyes and continuing to dust the equine bust on the coffee table’s center. “Couldn’t you just try and borrow…something… from the Ponyville morgue?”
“I would… but not after that whole “séance” fiasco last month. They told me that if I ever showed my face around there again, it’d be my one-way ticket to the Ponyville Hospital psychiatric ward…”
Spike shuddered as he remembered the gruesome debacle in the refrigeration room. “Well, what about the Ponyville Schoolhouse? I’m sure they would have some sort of pony skeleton diorama or something.”
Twilight perked up at the idea. “That’s brilliant, Spike! Except… wouldn’t it be weird to just walk up to Cheerilee and ask: ‘hey, I was wondering if I could borrow a pony anatomy diorama from you.’ I would tell her what it was for, but I just can’t risk jeopardizing the project.”
Spike shrugged and returned to his housework. “Can’t help you there, sister…”
The studious mare’s ears drooped as she began to go into panic mode. Oh Sweet Celestia, what am I going to do? I’m running out of time, and if I don’t complete this research for the princess, I’m going to be responsible for the demise of all ponykind! Oh, this is bad! So very very b—wait! That’s it! The answer to everything! Twilight Sparkle, you truly are a genius!
That Evening, at the Ponyville Hospital infirmary
“Thank you so much for coming by, Twilight! You have no idea how much this means to me.”
Twilight put on her best heartfelt smile and replied, “Oh, it’s no trouble at all, Cheerilee. I’m just glad to be here for a friend in need. Once I heard from Pinkie that you were in the ER, I came over as quick as I could.”
One of Twilight’s less prideful characteristics was her uncanny ability to spin a flawless, believable lie in no time flat. Applejack would be ashamed of her in her present situation. But the naïve schoolteacher was buying every word of it.
“I sincerely appreciate the gesture. This all happened so fast; Dr. Stable thinks it may be an exceptionally bad bout of food poisoning. I thought that seasoned hay lasagna tasted especially bitter this evening…”
Twilight tried her very hardest to act natural, magically cinching her saddlebag extra tightly to conceal the vial of wormwood extract inside. “Yeah, that is really unusual, huh?”
“One thing’s for certain, though: the nurse told me I won’t be back on my feet until about next Tuesday, when they find out what’s really causing this. And that means school won’t be in session at all for Monday; I simply couldn’t find a substitute on such short notice…”
The plan was working perfectly. “Cheerilee, what if I were to be the class’s substitute teacher for Monday? I would simply hate to see those poor little fillies and colts deprived of a proper education.”
Cheerilee looked up at her in awe; this had caught her completely by surprise. “Really? You’d do that? They’re quite the handful, you know… do you even have a teaching degree?”
The unicorn mare casually batted a hoof. “I’m the Princess’s personal student ambassador. Believe me, nothing could go wrong.”
“That’s great, then! You’ll find the schoolhouse’s spare key in the discolored floorboard under the welcome mat! And you’re sure you’re serious about this?
Twilight smiled reassuringly. “Oh, I’m dead serious about this. Don’t you worry one bit.”
Later that Night
“WHERE THE BUCK COULD ONE BE?!”
Twilight had practically torn the schoolhouse’s interior apart in her frenzied search. Books and papers lay peppered across the floor, on various toppled desks, and poking out of violently wrenched-open cabinets. But still, no sign of any diorama.
Way to go, Twilight. First you go and poison your friend. And then you go and promise to spend your final workday teaching a classroom full of foolish fillies and colts! Equestria’s really in for it now, and who does everypony have to blame? That’s right, yours truly!
I can’t believe we’re going to all fall subject to the Changeling race just because I can’t find a damn diorama! I mean, in a town full of ponies, how is it that no one has a simple, bucking d—
Her mental ramble was cut short, as a dreadful realization slinked into her mind.
Wait, this town is full of living, breathing, organ-filled ponies! And that means…
*POP!*
Maybe it was the disturbingly spooky atmosphere of the trashed classroom. Or the sheer oppressiveness of the pressure put upon her by the princess. Or perhaps just a latent condition of psychosis in the unicorn’s mind.
But regardless of cause, something snapped within Twilight at that moment.
Her pupils shrank to pinpoints, and one ear began to twitch uncontrollably as a devious smile began to creep across her face.
“The solution!”
Sparing no time, the mare returned the room to its previously tidy state, and went to work.
Substitute Teacher: Twilight Sparkle's Schoolhouse of Horror
Monday Morning , After a Day of Preparation
The restless schoolfoals filed into the classroom, too busy talking amongst themselves to notice the new presence behind their teacher’s desk.
“Hello everypony!”
The foals’ conversations lapsed for a few moments before carrying on again in full swing.
This agitated Twilight beyond belief. She brought her forehoof down on the desk with a commanding *BANG*!
Thoroughly startled, the class devoted their utmost attention to their teacher’s sit-in.
“Thank you, everypony. My name is Twilight Sparkle, as I’m sure some of you know. I’ll be filling in for your teacher Cheerilee today. You see, she got sick all of a sudden and”-
“Cheerilee’s sick? We should make her a get-well card!” Pipsqueak suggested.
“NO! NO TIME FOR GET-WELL CARDS!” Twilight screeched. She shook her head violently again, mussing her already unkempt mane. “What I mean to say is, we have a very important lesson today that we really need to get through. Now, has anypony ever heard of the word ‘anatomy’ before?”
“You mean, that whole ‘birds and the bees’ thing?” questioned Apple Bloom.
“Hey, I think I’ve heard of that! It’s like, why a colt has that… whatever that thing is called, and fillies have a”—
“Well, yes, that is part of it!” Twilight cut them off in the nick of time, sparing the class a premature sex education explanation, courtesy of Sweetie’s comment. “Anatomy is basically the structure of living things, primarily us ponies. It refers to the parts that make up our bodies.”
“Like hooves?” Pipsqueak proposed.
“And bones?” Scootaloo added.
“And that one thing that colts have? And a filly’s”— Sweetie was stopped short once again
“Yes, yes, like all of those things! Now, I need a volunteer for a little… demonstration I’m going to do.”
Before anypony could raise their hoof, Diamond Tiara decided to chip in her two cents about Twilight’s lesson.
“What a load of garbage! Why are you telling us all this when we’re supposed to be learning about the positive impact of the Rich family industry on Ponyville? Daddy said it was either that, or Barnyard Bargains would buy out the school system! I refuse to put up with this… this impromptu cow patty of a lesson!”
Twilight gave her a menacing look. “What’s your name?”
The posh little filly stuck her nose in the air. “Diamond Tiara. Not like it’s any of your business, anyway!”
“Well, Miss Diamond Tiara, it looks like you’re the first lucky volunteer for my demonstration! Step this way, please.”
Watching as the class bully stepped to the front of the room, many of Tiara’s classmates took it upon themselves to make the most of their tormenter’s embarrassing situation. In no time flat, the majority of the class had burst out in mirthful laughter.
Twilight’s pupils shrank even smaller than before. She clenched her teeth as she tried to suppress the horrible memories trying to resurface in her brain. But they proved too strong for her.
She was sitting in the lonely middle desk of the classroom. Her magic kindergarten classroom.
And all around her, classmates were laughing about her magical deficiency.
Laughing at her.
Cold, unfeeling, merciless laughter.
The memory and reality blurred together, and Twilight blinked. The room was still riddled with the sound of a giggle or snort every here and there.
They’re laughing at me again. By Celestia, they’re doing it AGAIN!
Let’s see how they like it!
“Change of plans, class. We’re all going to go downstairs and watch the demonstration together. That way, everyone will get an A+ for participation today! Yay participation!” She cheered, her left eye twitching. “And besides, everypony knows that when it comes to science, a bigger sample size yields…” she snickered, “more accurate results.”
Twilight magically yanked the basement light chain with an echoing *click!*, and led the students down the spiraling stairwell into the musty depths of the school’s lower cellar.
“Now, here’s your next vocab word of the day: does anypony know what an ‘autopsy’ is?
Nopony did.
Twilight smirked subtly, and continued. “That’s quite allright, you’ll find out about it for yourselves in a minute. But first, we’ll need to introduce our next ‘A’ word, ‘anesthesia.’”
The foals unwittingly followed the mare down the basement steps. But three prudent fillies in particular were becoming increasingly uneasy with Twilight’s odd behavior. Having been around her more than any of their classmates, they knew that this wasn’t the usual, cheerfully quirky side of Twilight they knew.
No, this side was much more sinister. And it scared them.
The substitute teacher guided her students over to a cleaned surgeon’s table, set up in the center of the room. Upon it was an off-color, stained lab coat, which Twilight slipped right in to.
“Diamond Tiara, please hop up on this table here for me,” After several more complaints about Twilight’s teaching, Diamond Tiara sulkily did as she was told. As if on cue, four steel braces zipped out from holes in the tabletop and bound her limbs tightly, and the filly yelped in surprise.
“W-wait… why am I locked in like this? W-w-what are you going to do to me?!” The prissy earth pony tried desperately to thrash free of her metal confines.
“Hush-sh-sh-sh, don’t try and struggle anymore. This won’t hurt you a bit, and it’ll be over before you know it. It’ll all be over…” Twilight looked straight into the filly’s panicked face, her own eyes glazed over and bloodshot from her lack of sleep in preparing for this day. With her lab coat, crazy eyes and wild hair, she looked like some sort of psychopathic scientist.
Reaching under the table, she pulled out a cylindrical object wrapped in gauze. Upon unveiling it, the crowd of students took a nervous step backwards. They were quickly losing trust in their sub, as well, and Twilight’s mystery object took the cake.
It was the biggest plastic syringe they had ever seen, complete with 5-inch needle and state of the art anesthesia compression mechanism .
Without a second thought and with no regard for the other students, Twilight plunged the primed needle into a wincing Diamond Tiara’s torso. There was a resounding gasp from around the room as the filly cried out miserably from the pain of the needle, struggling vainly to free herself. After several seconds of fighting her shackles, however, Diamond Tiara’s movements became more delayed and sluggish. A few moments later, and she slumped limply to the tabletop, out cold.
For her fellow students, that was the last straw.
They’d been growing steadily more wary of the suspicious mare the entire time, and it became increasingly obvious that she was a few bits short of a banknote. The terrified mob of schoolfoals made a frantic break for the basement door, but stopped abruptly as a wall of purple flame surged up in front of it.
“Tsk tsk tsk, you naughty little cheaters. I expected you’d try and sneak a peek at the answer key in the other room, so I came prepared.” Twilight mused through the gas mask suddenly on her face, and her horn shone with malevolent aura as a mechanical clicking filled the basement dungeon. “This is bound to be an experience you’ll all look back on and… laugh at!”
At the word laugh, four giant aerosol cans, emblazoned with Pinkamena D. Pie’s face, rose from each corner of the room. Soon, the dank basement air was filled with the sound of hissing gas.
“My dear friend Pinkamena let me borrow these, specifically to deal with you huffy little foals! We’ll see how much you like laughing after this!” The insane mare quipped, as the students broke into a chorus of unsettling giggling.
But once again, three little fillies had thought ahead of the game, and held their breath just as the laughing gas had been released. Thinking everypony else had succumbed to the gas, they were surprised to find one colt was still perfectly sane.
“It’s a good thing I always keep my trusty bandanna handy!” Pipsqueak’s muffled voice broke through the hissing. He rushed over to the Crusaders, bandanna wrapped around his muzzle like a bandit. “Are you three still alright?”
The fillies nodded. Relieved, Pip drew his tiny wooden sword and turned towards the crazed mare. “C’mon, then! We have a substitute teacher to fight!”
It was then that Twilight noticed that not everypony had been stricken with her first round of anesthesia. She rounded on the quartet, the lenses of her mask flashing maliciously.
“It looks like some little ponies failed to follow directions!” She tittered, pacing around them like a mako shark circling its prey. The sight of her in the terrible gas mask made the foals tremble. “Why not have a little fun with your friends? They sure seem to be enjoying themselves, by the look of things.”
All around the room, their classmates were still cackling uncontrollably, though the gas was quickly proving to be too much for them. As it filled the room, several of the foals’ cackles turned to fits of hacking coughs as the noxious air began to choke them. Diamond Tiara still lay on the autopsy table, her face turning purple from asphyxiation.
“No matter. I have a special exam for you, one I’ve planned just for the occasion!” At that moment, a lever emerged from the ground beside Twilight, and she gave it a tug.
All four foals could feel themselves falling into nothingness for one gut-wrenching moment, before landing in pitch darkness on a cold, smooth surface.
“Wh-where are we?” Asked Apple Bloom shakily, feeling around and finding a wall as equally cold and smooth as the floor.
In response, a fluorescent ceiling light clicked to life. The tormented fillies and colt found themselves in what appeared to be a small mirrored elevator, slowly descending to heaven knows where. A smooth jazz rendition of “If You’re Happy and You Know It” was playing over the stereo system.
“What’s going to happen to us? I wanna go home!” Sweetie Belle sobbed, tears staining her snowy coat as she slumped to the floor.
“I just don’t understand why Miss Twilight’s doing all this to us…” Apple Bloom gazed at her endless reflections in the mirror, her amber eyes full of hurt and betrayed trust. “I mean, I know we hate DT and everything, but not even somepony as nasty as she is deserves… that…” She gazed up at the lights, remembering the syringe and Twilight’s manic expression.
“I agree. Nopony deserves to be tortured like that…” Pipsqueak spoke up. Sniffling, Sweetie Belle nodded her agreement as well. “What do you think, Scootaloo?”
But Scootaloo had not heard Pipsqueak’s question. She was too busy staring in shock at the familiar face forming in one of the endless mirror reflections.
The pony’s usual violet-red fur had an awful gray overtone, and her mane looked almost as unkempt as Twilight’s. Sickly dark rings encircled her exhausted looking eyes.
It was Cheerilee.
“Girls? Girls, can you hear me? I don’t have much time left! You need to come find me, before”—
Cheerilee’s face warped and faded into static, and was quickly replaced by another.
“Your old teach’s not lookin’ too hot, is she? Pity, really… She was always so upbeat. Kind of made me sick after a while. But this is all beside the point.” Twilight’s un-masked grin made them want to vomit.
“New plan, fillies. I’ve dropped your precious teacher somewhere at random in my ‘Twilight Zone’, and if you three can find her before I do, you’ll pass the exam. If I find her first…”
There was a horrible scraping sound of metal on grindstone.
“…then you all flunk.”
A look of puzzlement crossed Scootaloo’s face, replacing her mask of fear. “Wait, us three? What about Pip”—
With a gust of chill air and a stifled yell, the young colt vanished from the elevator.
“Four against one would be hardly fair, don’t you think? Oh, don’t look at me like that. Your little friend will be fine. He’s even smiling right now, as we speak! Now, where was I?”
“Oh, yes! Fill in the correct answer bubbles, make all marks heavy and dark, yadda yadda yadda, all that good jazz. And do try and have some fun while you’re at it!” Twilight shot them a twisted smile.
“On my count: one…” her heart-stopping grin grew bigger.
“Two…” Even bigger still.
“Begin!”
Suddenly, the elevator cab began to shake wildly, as if caught in a hurricane wind. The Cutie Mark Crusaders bashed into one another and ricocheted off the mirror walls, as the derailed lift whirled, tossed, and pinwheeled like mad.
And then, their worlds went utterly void.
Substitute Teacher: Twilight Sparkle's Schoolhouse of Horror
Scootaloo awakened and stood, wobbling a bit and warily surveying her surroundings.
She was right at the beginning of a cobblestone pathway that seemed to extend infinitely in both directions. The path had no walls or ceiling; only endless, murky darkness. Lining the hall on both sides were suits of armor, each one gripping a different Medieval weapon at its chest plate.
Oh owww, my head! What just happened?
“Ah, it seems you’ve found the Gauntlet. My deepest congratulations. Be sure to look out for clues that will help you in your… termination of this exam. Oh, and beware of the Colossus. It’s drawn to the scent of blood.” Twilight’s echoing voice was sickeningly cheerful.
“Good luck. Even though luck can’t really help you at this point, but you get what I mean…”
The orange pegasus filly had hardly begun to contemplate the meaning of the message, when something caught her eye further down the hallway.
It was a chicken, pecking away at the feet of one of the suits. It was bright orange, and its comb and wattle were dyed a light purple.
Wait a minute, why’s it colored just like m-
Oh, I get it. A chicken. Because I can’t fly. That’s so funny, I forgot to laugh.
But just as she was forgetting to laugh, there was the clink of a latch releasing. A gruesome *shlick!*sound rang out through the ethereal hall.
The chicken’s head spiraled through the air, spattering the filly with its fresh blood, as the decapitated body ran aimlessly about the cobblestones. Scootaloo was dumbstruck by the spectacle for a moment, then regained her senses.
“What was that Twilight said about the blood? And a ‘colossal,’ or something. A colossal what, though?...!!”
Her question was immediately answered by the sound of heavy, clanking hoofsteps from the darkness.
Running hoofsteps.
Running towards her.
Scootaloo took off, without a second thought. The stabbing pain in her legs was a slight discomfort compared to the pumping adrenaline of terror rushing through her. She had to outrun the Colossus.
But it was gaining on her.
Finally, she felt her legs give and she collapsed, as the clanking swelled to a crescendo, then stopped.
Bewildered, Scootaloo rose to her feet. That was it?! That’s what all the big fuss was about? Sheesh, if only I—
As she opened her eyes and turned, she found that she’d spoken too soon.
Before her was a suit of armor twice the size of the others, and of the darkest metal imaginable. Stowed on its back was a massive, gleaming battle axe. As the monstrosity lifted its visor, Scootaloo’s eyes nearly popped out when she found herself staring into the blank eyes and of Pipsqueak, his pallid face twisted into a horrible, open-mouthed sneer.
A sickly gurgle bubbled up from Pipsqueak’s throat.
“Pipsqueak! Don’t do this! You can still fight her!!”
The battle axe plunged towards the filly, as she braced for impact.
*SHLUNK!*
***
Sweetie Belle meandered about the pitch-black nothing, trying to keep herself from crying. Just as she thought she was never going to escape the darkness, a ring of torches lit themselves around her, and she found herself at the heart of an empty stone amphitheater.
“Welcome to the Coliseum, Sweetie Belle! I do hope you enjoy the show we’ve got planned for today, ‘cause you’re the main attraction! Keep your wits about you, and perform from your heart, or some sappy crap like that. I don’t know… you can figure it out yourself.”
Sweetie stared around her blankly, with no clue as to what Twilight’s message meant. Just then, she noticed a familiar face dangling from the coliseum wall.
“Spike!”
The baby dragon looked decrepit, patches of scales torn out and eyes sunken in. Dark blood dripped from the corners of his mouth as he gave a hacking cough, and was caked to his talons where they were driven into the wall with rivets.
The sight of him like this brought Sweetie to tears, despite herself. “Oh Spike, what happened?! Did Twilight do this to you?”
Spike tried to speak, his voice hoarse and rasping. “M-music…” he wheezed.
“What?! What do you mean m”—Sweetie was cut off as he coughed again, spraying dark flecks all over Sweetie’s face and mouth.
“Music… to quell the savage beast…”
Sweetie Belle spat out what she could of the “Music to soothe who?! You mean Twilight??”
But before he could reply, the baby dragon was wracked with a dreadful spasm as his head slumped forward. He lifted it again, his face contorted in sheer agony, as his jaw unhinged and something huge began to emerge from deep within him.
Something horrible.
SSssssSsssssssSsssssss…
A seething serpent freed itself from the lifeless husk that was Spike, and coiled its way around the arena. Its forked tongue flicked out from between its fangs, tasting the air.
Tasting her fear.
The massive reptilian lunged at Sweetie, jaws agape. The filly deftly sidestepped its blow, as it smashed into the stone wall behind her. Quick to recuperate, the monster struck again, this time only narrowly missing her.
What did Spike mean, “music to quell the”- oh, wait.
Sweetie Belle stopped in her tracks, standing bravely in front of the gargantuan snake. Just as the beast primed itself to lash out again, she began to sing.
Her voice was heartwarming and sincere, and the creature writhed and screeched as the melody poured forth. She sang and sang, the tune completely spontaneous, but working to full affect.
SSSssSSSSSSssSSSSSSSS!!!
The serpent was close to succumbing to the music. Sweetie could sense it.
Then all of a sudden, there was a piercing pain in her throat, and her voice was gone.
Sweetie froze in place, trying desperately to continue her melody and fend off the monster. But the more she tried, the more stabbing she felt in her throat.
Then she realized.
The flecks.
Spike’s cough.
The vile creature in her throat sunk its fangs into her windpipe, causing her to cry out in agony. It twisted relentlessly inside of her, shredding her lungs and trachea with its jagged scales. She hacked in an attempt to free herself of her tormenter, but all that she coughed up was a pool of ink-black blood.
As the parasite liberated itself from its host, Sweetie Belle gave a ragged gasp, convulsed, and crumpled to the floor.
***
The afternoon bell had rung, and all the students’ families were gathered around the school, waiting for their little fillies and colts to come running out and head home. At first, the parents were unfazed by the foals’ delay in leaving the schoolhouse. But after some time, impatience started to brew, and finally the mares and stallions took matters into their own hooves and went inside.
From atop the school’s tower, an undead Diamond Tiara left her post at the bell, and watched in fiendish glee as the parents headed into the building. Then, as Twilight’s animation spell wore off, the walking corpse slumped to the floor again in a pool of its own blood.
Finding nothing of concern in the darkened classroom, the parents moved to check the cellar door. The scene inside was mind blowing.
Their little fillies and colts lay in heaping piles on the ground, their skin pasty and their faces still tinted blue from suffocation. The ones nearest the tops of the piles (the last ones to survive) still gave an occasional muscular twitch or two. The aerosol cans had retracted into the ground, the gas was mostly gone, and the fiery barrier re-ignited itself in front of the door.
But before the parents and siblings had time to react, the basement light bulb blew its fuse. In the complete darkness, they heard a most bloodcurdling sound.
SSssssssssSSSSssssssssssSSSSSssssssssSsssssss...
***
Apple Bloom was more terrified than she’d ever been before.
Twilight was after her.
The yellow earth pony bolted down the twisting corridors of the Labyrinth, trying desperately to shake her maniac pursuer. Rounding several switchback turns, she finally heard the sound of running hooves fade into the distance.
Careful not to completely let her guard down, Apple Bloom paused to catch her breath and calm her racing heart. This took very little time, thanks to many hours of helping her siblings with their chores.
I’ve got to find Cheerilee before Twi—I mean, before that thing does! She couldn’t bear to associate the kind and friendly Twilight Sparkle she knew with the lunatic currently stalking her, and had managed to convince herself that they were separate entities.
Finally blessed with solace, the filly slowed her pace a bit, always prone to subtle changes in her surroundings. Threatening darkness loomed on all sides, punctuated every here and there by flickering magenta star emblems, in the likeness of Twilight’s cutie mark. The maze itself was comprised of a soft, warm material. Its heat and cushiony feel unnerved Apple Bloom deeply.
It was almost as if the maze itself was alive.
Taking several more random turns, Apple Bloom found a stained wooden door. A message was splattered upon it, in what appeared to be some sort of ashy paste:
You may now take a five-minute break. And don’t worry, even I have to follow this rule, so come on in and grab a bite.
Summoning all her courage, the earth filly pushed the door open and stepped inside the room.
It was entirely blank and dark, except for a dim incandescent bulb in one corner of the ceiling. The bad lighting cast ghoulish shadows on the walls and floor.
And in the center of the room, Twilight Sparkle was laying casually in front of the unmoving body of another classmate. The top of the victim’s skull was gouged open, and the shards of two pairs of glasses lay not far off. Meanwhile, the deranged mare levitated a shining, plated spoon to her mouth and daintily sipped its ghastly contents.
“Nothing like a little brain food to get those juices flowing!” Apple Bloom was appalled by how nonchalantly the unicorn seemed to react to her unholy meal.
Twilight glanced up at the gleaming utensil, before turning to the gray carcass. “Kind of ironic, though…” She mused, showing the filly her Cutie Mark’s likeness. “Done in by your own special talent. What kind of talent is a spoon, anyway?
Apple Bloom barely managed to swallow the vomit that filled her mouth. At the noise, Twilight whipped around.
“Ah, my competitor! Care to join me for a quick snack? I prepared something especially for you,” she turned, and levitated the gouged-open corpse of Peppermint Twist right in the yellow filly’s face.
Apple Bloom retched.
“Not hungry, I see; well, your loss. I’ve gotta go get my toy back from the Colossus. I keep telling him, ‘sharing is caring, sharing is caring.’ But does he listen? Oh no, he’s too macho for sharing, when it’s his turn to do the giving…”
Twilight brushed past the coughing filly, and set off down the hallway, before remembering something. She held up a hoof, full of gleaming pink powder, which she proceeded to blow away.
“Oh yeah, almost forgot. Make a wish!” Right as she’d recovered from the bout of puking, Apple Bloom felt a searing pain in her eyes as she went blind. “You seemed tense, so I thought I’d give you a little something to help out.”
Flailing about blindly (but not daring to make a sound), the filly staggered into the hallway. But slowly and surely, her vision returned, and after blinking several times the foal could see clearly again. Finding no trace of her torturer, she continued on her search for Cheerilee, wandering fruitlessly for at least an hour. And then…
“APPLE BLOOM!” A voice called out of the darkness. Initially spooked, the filly was overcome with relief when she recognized its source.
“Scootaloo! Have you found Cheerilee yet? Or Sweetie?”
“I’m right here!” The white unicorn stepped out from behind her friend. Both fillies had somehow escaped their trials, entirely unscathed.
“WHERE IN EQUESTRIA WERE YOU?!?!?!” Apple Bloom burst out.
“We might as well ask you the same!” Sweetie Belle defended. “And the better question is, where in Equestria are we?!”
“Never mind that, girls! Look!” Scootaloo pointed.
Up ahead was a jumbled mess of jet-black knight armor and chain mail.
“The Colossus!” The pegasus exclaimed. “But that means…”
Sure enough, the metal “scrap-heap” stirred, and a befuddled Pipsqueak emerged from beneath the broken suit’s helmet.
“Uuuugh… W-what just happened?” He groaned, rubbing his aching temple.
“Pip!” Scootaloo bear-hugged him. “I’m so glad you’re okay! Now hurry, we’ve got to find Cheerilee before that psycho does!”
The reunited gang set off down the corridor, picking turns at random until they encountered a strange vault door at a dead end. Whipping it open, they found an empty bank vault, with yet another door at its other end.
What followed was a madcap trip through the various alternate realms inside each consecutive door. The doors took them to Trixie’s latest magic show, the Smooze’s first hostile takeover of Dream Castle, the day Ponyville was founded, and even into outer space! They could’ve sworn they even saw the Spirit of Chaos and John Trafoalta having a disco dance-off in one of the scenes. But finally, they made it back to and out of the circular vault door.
“Well, that was a complete waste of time!” Apple Bloom fumed.
Sweetie giggled a little. “I thought the whipped cream waterfall was pretty neat!”
“Me too!” Scootaloo seconded. Pipsqueak nodded in agreement as well. “Ooh, and the Bon PON-3 concert was awesome! We should’ve stayed…”
“Are you three even listening to me!? We’ve got to save Cheerilee, not only for her sake, but for saving ourselves, too!” The yellow filly was indignant at her friends’ changes in attitude.
“Bah, lighten up Apple Bloom. As long as we stay in this maze, she can’t find all of us. And the test is pretty stupid anyway. Why don’t we just take a break together and play some games?”
Apple Bloom was disgusted by her friends’ indifference.
“Fine! If you don’t wanna help me, see if I care! I’ll go off and find our poor, helpless teacher by MYSELF!” She began to stomp off, but Scootaloo darted in front of her, blocking her path. Sweetie Belle and Pipsqueak flanked the terrified earth pony from behind.
“Oh, but we insist. Please stay and play with us. We have a brand new game we’ve been just dying to show you!” Scootaloo drew nearer, and Apple Bloom could hear a horribly malevolent undertone creeping into her voice.
“Scoot, what’s gotten into you?!” She started trying to back away, but Sweetie and Pipsqueak moved to wall her in.
“And who knows? We may even get our Cutie Marks from this.” The possessed orange pegasus procured a moist cloth and took a step closer.
“SNAP OUT OF IT!” Without a second thought, the captive lashed out and struck her friend in the head, batting it with a forehoof .
And sending it careening off the wall and onto the floor.
“SCOOTALOO!!!”
Sweetie Belle shook her own head in disapproval. “Oh dear, you’ve gone and lost your head again, haven’t you? Have you been taking your anger management classes like a good little filly?” her voice became increasingly possessed with each word.
“Yeah…” pouted the head. “But she started it this time! You saw her!” It rose from the floor, wreathed in dark magic, and came face to face with Apple Bloom. “Look what you did to me! I’ve been trying to get over this problem for like, forever! And now you’ve gone and… made… it… worse…..”
Apple Bloom nearly fainted from terror at what she saw next. Before her very eyes, the floating orange head began to fade to a horrible, ashen gray. Its skin began to peel away, and its eyeballs rolled completely back into its head. Behind her, Sweetie’s face began to rip itself open until all that was left was a mess of bleeding shreds. And Pipsqueak’s arms and legs vanished, leaving gnarled stumps and various metal bolts driven into his hide.
Before any of the three abominations had time to react, Apple Bloom weaved her way between Sweetie and Pipsqueak’s corpses and was off down the hallway like a bat out of hell. She could barely hear Twilight’s disembodied voice, over the sound of her panting and agonized sobs:
“Some friend you are, running away from those poor little foals just because they look different from everyone else. I thought you would’ve known better by now, but hey, silly me!"
The filly was so distracted by her extreme mental trauma and Twilight’s scolding, she didn’t notice what was approaching her from the front, and she dug her hooves into the ground to stop herself from running into it.
“Apple Bloom… We’re so lonely without you… We can’t play with you from where you are, and it kills us on the inside… Please come back to us…” The head’s voice sounded sincerely pained.
Apple Bloom’s eyes filled with tears. “I... I just can’t…” she sobbed.
Tears of blood drizzled down the undead face. “Please, Apple Bloom… I miss you… We miss you so much…”
“Scootaloo… I’m sorry… so sorry…” The filly’s vision blurred from crying.
Out of nowhere, she felt a cloth cover her nose and mouth, and in a flash she saw no more.
***
When she awoke, the maze was gone. She was bound by her forelegs to a table, much like the one in the school cellar. The room around her was decked out in smileys and colorful flowers, and a lone lamp hung from the ceiling right above her.
The faceless corpse of Sweetie Belle stood to her left. When it noticed the victim had awakened, it let out a repulsive gurgling noise, and the Scootaloo corpse (now reunited with its head) trotted over to the autopsy table.
“Pip, hand me the lancet.” The limbless body floated over with the tool in its mouth. As the pegasus zombie brought the blade within an inch of Apple Bloom’s torso, the yellow filly lashed out again, this time kicking Scootaloo’s head squarely in the nose.
The head spun about rapidly on its neck, before Scootaloo stopped it with her forehooves and grinned.
“I thought you might try that again, so I went ahead and beefed up my head insurance.” Scoota-corpse joked. “If you so much as try anything funny, it’s next stop: kingdom come for all of us!”
Apple Bloom searched the zombie’s eyes for any trace of mercy. “Don’t give me that, Apple Bloom! You should be way happier; you finally get to join us on the other side! Now be a good friend and hold still. The more you cooperate, the faster this will go.”
She brought the lancet close again, pressing it cold and sharp against her victim’s stomach. Scanning the room for a diversion, Apple Bloom laid eyes on her only hope.
A patch of exposed, live wires in one of the smiley face’s eyes.
She would only have one shot at this.
Mustering her strength, she twisted and bucked the limbless Pipsqueak-corpse into the wires. The screws in his back fizzled as the current flowed through them, shorting out the room’s power. In a flash, the lights were out and her shackles had retracted, leaving behind a stench of burning flesh and a faint ticking.
“Say goodbye!” A voice hissed from the darkness.
Thinking fast, Apple Bloom found the crack of light outlining the door to the room, and bolted for it, slamming the iron door in the nick of time.
The subsequent explosion rocked the very foundations of the maze, followed by a horrendous splattering sound.
With one hoof on her heart in a moment of silence for her friends, Apple Bloom barely managed to maintain composure as she left the nightmarish room behind.
Nothing mattered anymore. All she had left to live for was finding Cheerilee.
Then, just when she was beginning to think she was finally in the clear,
“AND JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?”
Apple Bloom’s blood froze.
She found me!
In a vain attempt to escape, Apple Bloom dashed into a side-hallway, only to find that it led to pitch darkness. Without hope, she crouched in the shadows and awaited her doom.
“Do you honestly expect to be able to conjure up anything with that attitude?” Twilight’s voice was deep and stern, and coming down the hallway from the right. She appeared before Apple Bloom, looking as insane as ever, and carrying a massive battle axe in the air behind her.
Conjure up anything…?!
“I’m really sorry, Ms. Grimsby. I’m just really stressed, is all…” Twilight’s voice changed, becoming surprisingly normal and non-crazed.
And then Apple Bloom realized.
She doesn’t see me.
I’m in the clear after all!
“And what seems to be the problem?” Twilight said, in the stern voice again.
“All the other foals keep making fun of me…” Twilight’s eyes welled with tears, and then became solemn again.
“Oh, that again? You can’t let those other foals get to you so much, Twilight. You’ve got to suck it all up and ignore them! The more you let them bug you, the more fun they get out of it.”
“Yes ma’am!” Twilight broke out of her little charade and giggled gleefully. “Oh, Ms. Grimsby… If only you could see me now, you’d be so proud.” She was staring into the darkness, straight at where Apple Bloom was standing stark-stiff.
“They thought they could call me all those names, constantly berate me and make me wish I’d never been born. And then they really thought they could get away with it? Well, I sure showed them, didn’t I? I taught them all not to mess with Twilight Sparkle! Aren’t you proud of me, Ms. Grimsby?
“Ms. Grimsby” replied: “Ever so proud, my dear Twilight. And you finally get that last gold star you wanted!” Twilight squealed in delight, then promptly calmed down as she seemed to remember something.
“Of course, there is that one little filly who did get away…” Twilight thought of Apple Bloom, and in the darkness, her target smothered a gasp. The deranged mare stroked the battle axe’s polished blade and sang, as she continued down her hallway:
♪ Scamper, scurry, little foal
How close are you to your goal?
Run from friends, all torn and bled,
Run until you drop down dead,
Shed your trauma, little foal,
Just give me your mortal soul. ♪
Listening to the demented song fade into the distance, Apple Bloom found herself actually feeling pity for her assailant.
All she wanted was to fit in with the others…
When the sound of hoofsteps was entirely gone, Apple Bloom turned to explore the darkened hallway.
Face to face with her was Twilight, grinning that heart-stopping grin, her axe blade glinting in the dim light.
“BOO.”
Apple Bloom ran.
She ran like she’d never run before.
At one point, she hit a bump and twisted an ankle, but not even that deterred her.
She couldn’t even tell if Twilight was following her anymore. Fear had entirely consumed her, ringing in her ears like a perpetual scream, pumping her heart to the point of bursting.
She bolted this way and that, through the twisting, switch-backing tunnels and corridors, and was finally losing steam.
It’s all over…
And just as she thought she was done for, it appeared.
A magenta door, with three smiling daisies painted on its front.
This HAS to be it! And no sign of the monster anywhere! I’ve done it!
Apple Bloom found herself in a dark, suffocating mausoleum, the only light coming from the eyes of pony skull-torches on the stone walls. All around the room’s perimeter were several tombs and coffins, but one casket stood out from the rest, and lay in the exact center of the room. Muffled cries were coming from it, and a banging noise filled the room as the hostage pounded on her hardwood prison.
“Cheerilee!” The filly felt an unspeakable wave of relief wash over her as he rushed to the central coffin and began to pry at it. After a great deal of effort, the lid came flying off.
“TIME’S UP!”
Apple Bloom stared straight ahead, in utter disbelief. Then her gaze shifted down, to where the lancet was embedded, handle-deep, into her chest cavity.
“B-but…” She started, but never finished.
Twilight rose from the coffin, grinning wildly, and magically wrenched the tool from the filly’s chest. Apple Bloom looked up again, as she gave a death rattle and fell sideways into the crimson pool forming on the ground.
“Please, drop your pencils, and close your testing booklets,” she whispered into Apple Bloom’s ear.
“This test is now complete.”
***
“Aand… finished!”
Twilight put the finishing touches on her anatomical monstrosity, composed of a different organ from every one of her victims. The abysmal creation sat on a wooden stand on the empty teacher’s desk. Twilight occupied the first desk in the front corner of the room, directly across from it.
The silence was heavy, and only broken every now and then by the scratching of Twilight’s quill pen as busied herself with her weekly report.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned a very valuable lesson about bullies and how to deal with them. When I was younger, I always ignored my aggressors and let them abuse me until they lost interest. But not anymore. I learned that it’s important to stand up for yourself, and to teach those good-for-nothing bullies not to mess with you by taking action, even if it has to be… somewhat drastic.
In other news, I finally finished that report and project on pony/Changeling anatomy and physiology that you needed so badly! I’m sure you’ll find it to be incredibly lifelike, and I do hope it is of good use to you. I hope to hear from you soon!
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
***
Several days passed, and the horrible scene in the schoolhouse cellar was finally uncovered by an unwitting janitor. The corpses of the students and parents were collected, and the building was condemned. Twilight Sparkle had long since skipped town scot-free, and nopony ever found the bodies of the foals and baby dragon murdered in the “Twilight Zone.”
It was a chilly Friday afternoon in late October, the kind of day which would bring anypony’s mood down. The vacant building stood, dark and foreboding against the bleak sky, and the wind moaned as a flurry of dead leaves swirled across the schoolhouse path.
On the hill by the playground, a somber figure was busy filling over a small patch of dirt. Above that dirt was a headstone. In clearly chiseled letters, it read:
Rest in Peace, Miss Cheerilee
The grave-digger wiped his brow and walked away, as the schoolhouse bell rang in the end of the school day.
All on its own.
Substitute Teacher: Twilight Sparkle's Schoolhouse of Horror
Alternate Ending; Just a Dream?
Twilight Sparkle awoke with a start.
She was lying, sprawled on the floor, with a tome on “Equine Anatomy and Physiology” set before her like a pillow.
She leapt up and frantically searched the room for her dragon assistant.
“Spike? Spike, where are you?!”
“Right here, Twilight…”
She wheeled around and saw the little dragonling, still dusting the various nooks and crannies of the library. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days.
“Oh, Spike!” She couldn’t resist rushing over to grab him in a tight embrace. “I’m so glad that you’re al…” she paused, noticing the bewildered look on his face.
“…that you’re… almost finished with that list I gave you! You’re an awesome assistant, Spike!”
“Gee, thanks Twi…” Spike blushed a bit.
“Say, Spike? How long was I actually asleep for?” Twilight queried, re-shelving the reference book.
“Umm... Well, you fell asleep right after finishing up that project, and that was about three days ago, so… three days, I guess? I went ahead and mailed it off for you. And I decided to finish off those chores you had me do, what with Owlowiscious on leave and everything…”
This brought tears to Twilight’s eyes. “Spike, you truly are the best assistant anyone could ask for. And for being such a stellar help around here, you can have the rest of the week off.”
Spike’s jaw dropped. “Y-you mean it?!”
Twilight smiled and nodded.
Spike flung his arms around her neck. “You’re the best, Twilight!”
Then his fatigue caught up to him, and he slid to the floor with a massive yawn. “I think I'm gonna… go take a nap…”
“Go take as long of a nap as you’d like, Spike. You’ve earned it.” Twilight picked up the feather duster to finish the chores.
“Oh, and Twilight? If you get hungry, the Crusaders brought by some of Pinkie’s cookies the other day as a little treat, since they knew you were working so hard…”
Twilight’s eyes widened as she flashed back to her nightmare.
The Crusaders!!
In a flash, she was out the door and down the path to Ponyville schoolhouse. Fortunately for her, all the little fillies and colts were out on the playground at extra recess, and she felt a lump form in her throat as she remembered what had happened to them in her subconscious.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were playing jump rope on a corner of the blacktop. Twilight hurried up to them, a huge smile plastered on her face.
“Hi, girls!”
The three fillies looked up at her, slightly perplexed. “Ummm… hey, Twilight…
Twilight strained to resist her urge to break down and bear-hug the foals. “I, uh… I just wanted to come by and… and thank you for those delicious cookies you left! I’ve never had cookies that good in my entire life!”
Apple Bloom took a step back. “We didn’t actually make them, though.”
“I know, but you went to the trouble to bring them by just for me! You have no idea how much I appreciate it” Twilight was noticeably in tears at this point, but the smile of relief never left her face. She knew it had all been just a ghastly dream conjured from the darkest depths of her mind.
But a small part of her couldn’t ignore the fact that it had all been… so vivid.
So… real.
Scootaloo and Apple Bloom exchanged a look of utter confusion. Sweetie, on the other hoof, was completely oblivious to the mare’s awkward behavior, and piped up: “Thanks! Glad you liked them!”
“You're very welcome, Sweetie. And thanks again!” Twilight sniffled, trying to maintain composure as she turned to leave. Under her breath, she choked: “What beautiful young fillies. I’m so sorry for everything I did to you...”
The Crusaders watched the emotional mare walk off in silence. Once she was out of earshot, they turned to one another in absolute bewilderment.
“What in Equestria just happened?” Scootaloo burst out. Apple Bloom just shrugged. But Sweetie Belle smiled earnestly.
“That Twilight sure is nice. And smart, too! ”
“But crazy!” Interjected Scootaloo.
Sweetie ignored her. “She should be our substitute teacher next time Cheerilee is sick! She’d be perfect!” Sweetie gave a little hop of excitement at her idea.
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “Well, at least she’d be better than that Ms. Grimsby. That substitute is an absolute nightmare!”
***
When Twilight got back to the library, she found Spike sound asleep in his little bed, and the room in nearly perfect order.
As she scanned the room for things to clean, something caught her eye on the coffee table downstairs.
It was a small scroll, bound with the princess’s royal seal. It read:
Dearest Twilight,
I am happy to inform you that your research was of great assistance to the royal guard in their battle against the Changeling threat. However, I regret to inform you that my fair city has fallen victim to Chrysalis and her forces. As difficult as this may be to believe, the Changelings have been assembling a city-sized coconut cream pie, and are planning on dropping it on Ponyville to eliminate the threat of the Elements of Harmony. You must call to order a town meeting and evacuate everypony from the area before the Changelings arrive to destroy the town. The fate of Ponyville rests on your shoulders, my faithful student, and I know you have what it takes to do what’s right.
Fondly,
Princess Celestia
Twilight didn’t have to be told twice. In a heartbeat she was in the center of town square, on the orator’s podium. She cleared her throat.
“Everypony! May I have your attention, please!” Twilight began, the panic evident in her voice.
The townsfolk stopped what they were doing and turned to the frantic speaker.
“Princess Celestia has commanded me to oversee the evacuation of Ponyville.”
The crowd’s confused mutterings became concerned.
“The Changeling army is currently is currently making a giant coconut cream pie to drop on all of Ponyville, and everypony here will be doomed if we don’t evacuate immediately!”
Now, Twilight had a reputation of being something of a “mare who cried wolf” in the town, and the townsfolk had grown wise to her tales of attacking Cerberus and impending disasters. But this story was in a league of its own. It didn’t even sound like Twilight was trying to be serious.
So naturally, everypony burst out laughing.
Twilight looked desperate, unable to see what everypony found so hilarious.
“I’m completely serious! We’ll all be smothered by coconut creamy death if we don’t get out of here RIGHT NOW!”
This only made them laugh harder.
Sweet Celestia, why are they laughing at me AGAIN? What the buck is so funny about death by giant coconut cream pie? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say these ingrates all wanted to die…”
She froze.
Wait a minute—
*POP!*
