The Charmingly Handsome Adventures of Doctor Goodboy

I'm not entirely sure where to begin. There's a lot of moving parts here, and you have a small brain. Retard. Die.

I guess I'll just start at the beginning, a wonderful place to start. That's a quote from Rajesh Kuthrapali of Big Bang Theory fame. That show is extremely hilarious to a genius like me.

It all began some beautiful Tuesday afternoon, as I was cutting apart the eyelids of one very unruly child. Despite the soft-as-butter nature of the little boy's skin, it was proving to be an exceptionally difficult task. even though his head was tightly locked in place, the involuntary trembling of his facial tissue made the actual process of removing the skin around his eyes incredibly difficult.

I'm an amazing skin slicer, but even with my talents it was turning out to be a devastatingly slow surgery, achieving at most a rate of one tiny little cut every ten or fifteen minutes.

"Doctor Goodboy, we have the replacement eyelids ready, how soon will you be able to remove the infected lids from the patient?" asked my hulking, seven foot supervisor Helga.

"Just a few moments," I barely mumbled, hunching over my project as my fingers, scalpel in hand, hovered above the last delicate strands of skin keeping the young child's eyelids attached to his face.

I sucked in and subsequently held a deep breath, and steadied my hand. I slashed with the precision of a surgical robot.

"Forceps."

The word came out instinctively, and Helga obliged quick as a cat, despite her stocky build, handing over the requested tool.

Using the forceps I peeled the kids away from the fluid coated eyes, producing a nearly imperceptible squelchy sound.

"Replacements now." I ordered.

Helga brought them to me on a tray, along with a cool grafting device. Despite being a doctor I don't know what it's called. Fuck me, right?

I only had seconds to work with. The eyes would dry out without proper skin coverage, so using the forceps I flippity flapped the new eyelids onto the little boy. Then I put my fingers on his eyes and started blinking them manually to spread watery eye goop around on them, saving the boy's eyesight.

The grafting device makes short work of actually connecting his lids to the rest of him, and in a miniscule amount of time the boy can blink again.

"You did it Doctor, you cured that little boy of his eye AIDS." screeched Helga at the top of her lungs as she started making out with me and sucking my cock .

"Eyelid AIDS Nurse Helga. You'll find that eye AIDS is quite incurable." I muttered solemnly as Helga gargled my testicles all the way in the back of her mouth as she jerked off my erect penis with her now bare feet, which were elegantly stretched up over her head as her arms pushed her body up off the floor. She looked fucking stupid but it felt so good that I managed to keep my erection as I chortled at her sea creature-esque pose, soon getting close to a mighty nut rupturing orgasm.

Unfortunately the kid I saved is a real cockblock and decided to wake up right as I was about to cum, completely dehornifying me.

"Oh geez the kid's awake, I guess I better put my balls away and unrestrain him," I whined as I pulled my sack out of Helga's mouth.

Dejectedly I trudged my blue balls over to the kid and loosened his restraints. I then put the AIDS-ridden eyelids I'd removed from the aforementioned child in a medical waste bag.

"Nurse take this kid to his parents, let them know he isn't going to die and he wasn't a little bitch about it. I'm going to throw away this bag of eye AIDS."

"Why don't you ever talk to the parents of your patients?" Helga inquired.

"Who cares?" I responded. I sprinted out of the room screaming like a psychopath, running all the way to the waste chute, which I promptly spiked the bag into before turning on a dime and pimping away.

"Hahahahaha!" Laughed someone in a very small font, stopping me in my tracks.

I looked around for the source of the noise but nobody with a font small enough was anywhere in sight. Blinded by failure, I dove into the medical waste chute, where I belong because I'm a piece of shit.

On the way down the chute I can to the realization that it was considerably more jagged and uncomfortable than I thought it'd be. I thought it would be like a fun slide, like the metal slides at preschool that became hot enough to blister my tender toddler skin. The worst part was the bottom though, my expectations were, of course, that I was going to land in a pleasantly soft pile of discarded placentas and used syringes. Those expectations were promptly subverted by a neck-first landing on moist, bloody concrete.

"Not quite what you, expected was it? You're TOO late Doctor Goodboy I've already completed my master plan!"

I craned my broken neck to get a look at the source of the noise.

"Oh god, Rian Johnson what the fuck are you doing now?" I moped aloud.

"Well Doctor GoodBOOBS, since you decided to haphazardly stumble into yet another one of my nefarious capers, I suppose I can fill you in," sneered Rian Johnson from behind his turned-up nose as he sauntered over to one of the most disgusting looking and smelling husks I've ever seen, "see this?"

"Not only can I see it, I can fucking taste it from here."

"That's probably actually your body going into shock. You fell pretty far, and that landing looked absolutely horrid. I physically cringed when I saw it."

"I physically cringed when I saw you," I shot back like a spitting cobra.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but at least I'm not lying at the bottom of a hole with a broken neck."

"At least I'm not standing at the bottom of a hole playing with medical waste...with no gloves on."

"Oh yeah I was gonna explain that to you," muttered Rian sheepishly as he rubbed his neck.

"No need to be embarrassed just get on with it bro."

"Well y'know how everyone hated the Last Jedi?"

"Rian, not everyone hated it. I hated it, fat guys on the internet hated it. Plenty of people liked it."

"After my movie flopped in China," continued Rian despite my half-assed attempt at reassurance, "I was a totally broken man. Michael Bay can sell a terrible movie to Chinese people, why can't I?"

"Remember that fat mermaid movie that grossed #1 in China? Who cares what these people think? They're almost as stupid as Americans, who are almost as stupid as European people. Particularly the British. Ugh."

"That's some serious fucking xenophobia dude."

"No I think it's Jingoism, but anyway your shitty movie flopped in Chinaaaa..."

"Right right. Well I was depressed. You wouldn't think some angry tweets and a couple video essays would grate on a person but...man when it's millions of people all shitting on something you made, that you poured so much effort into. It fucking hurts man. The death threats I can handle, but the people telling me that I'm shit, that everything I make is devoid of any substance. That's what cuts me deep." he pauses, shuddering and closing his watery eyes, "so I said 'hey fuck it, I'm gonna kill the entire world with a horrible virus.' Which is where this pile of waste comes into play."

He ran his tounge up the mound of discarded pieces and moaned.

"I'm not very smart though. Honestly there's almost zero scientific information in this brain of mine, so I wasn't sure how to do it.
I've been saving the most repugnant chunks of flesh and other assorted bits and shaping them into this creepy, ugly meat man. I figure if I create the most diseased man on Earth he'll stumble around like a zombie and infect people with shit."

"That makes sense I guess," I assess from my spot on the floor.

"Nah it doesn't. Or at least it didn't, until I got my meat mitts on these bad boys," he cackled, whipping out the set of AIDS-infested eyelids I'd thrown away earlier, "the one thing my little man was lacking, were horribly toxic eyelids. Now that I have them, I can like, do bad things."

"You'll never get away with this Rian," I shouted as Rian stepped over me and up to a switch on a nearby wall, "I WILL stop you."

"Well thank goodness you were here to put your neck on the line for humanity," sneered Rian snidely. In a flash his arm snapped down, switch in hand.

Nearly instantly the room began to vibrate as a deafening rumbling noise erupted from somewhere in the ceiling. I did my best to look up, the gravel-like bones in my neck making noises reminiscent of a bag of rocks and glass. The roof above split open, sending people and possessions careening down to the concrete floor below in a cascade of desks, papers, IV stands, and bodies. Since we were in the basement, this process repeated several more times until the top ceiling opened to allow a torrent of rain and wind to funnel into the hospital. Each person that fell landed on their neck like me, but unlike me rather than retain most of their mental faculties despite being physically crippled, they all completely fucking died.

I flopped my head back down to discover that while I'd been gazing up, a table with a metal rod sticking up out of the furthest end of it had ascended from the floor beneath us. Rian slunk his way over to the table, rancid carcass in tow. With zero care he plopped the body down on the table which emitted a wet thunk on contact.

"Good thing there was a lightning storm a brewin' at the same time as you found out about my plans. Can you imagine how screwed I'd be if this had happened several hours earlier or later?" guffawed Rian as his finger pushed a small button on the side of the table. The metal rod above it extended up, up, up, until it was literally like three hundred feet long, poking out above the top of the hospital.

Instantly the rod was struck by a massive bolt of lightning, sending shimmering electricity firing down into the rotten, roiling mass of plagued parts in less than the blink of an AIDS-infested eye. The body shuddered and vibrated, sending chunks of viscera flying around the room.

The AIDS-ridden eyelids of the crappy cadaver lit up, shining with blue light that crackled like jagged fire. The body floated up above the table, striking an intimidating "T" pose while bolts of lightning fired from its eyes and scattered along the ground.

"Huh." proclaimed Rian Johnson.

Almost as if it were a response to the "huh," a strand of electricity lashed out from the corpse(?) and struck Rian in the chest. Rather than being electrocuted and burnt however, I watched in horror as Rian became enveloped in searing blue light, before disappearing completely.

I was utterly powerless to stop the monster(?) or really to do much of anything. Broken neck, you know.

I suppose this thing actually wasn't a corpse because once it had done whatever it did to Rian, it turned its head to me, staring directly into my eyes. Its mouth opened, and I opened mine.

We both screamed at the same time, as a strand of lightning lashed out from the MONSTER, and struck me in the chest.