Lovely Misadventures

"Hello?" I called out while trotting about in an empty, white abyss. "Anypony there? Helloooo?"

Where the hell am I? What is this place? Did I die? Is this my home for the rest of eternity? Fuck this, this is bull shit! I at the very least wanted to see my nieces grow up! I was only twenty-seven! Of course this would be my kind of luck, fate has been spitting in my face for the entirety of my life. What the fuck'd I expect?

Wait a minute, the blinding white abyss is fading into something else. I can't quite make it out yet but it's slowly fading into something...something...huh, classy. I'm finding myself in what looks like the bedroom of a house. A really ritzy one at that. By the looks of it, it could belong to nobility. It's all coming into focus now. What is this place, some kind of mansion?

The carpet and furniture in this joint looks like premium stuff and this bed right behind me is probably big enough for the whole family that lives here and whatever staff they have too. The door is open to a hallway which I waste no time trotting out to. Holy shit, this place is faaancy! A long red carpet covers the floor the whole way down with golden candle holders with lit candles that light he place up. I just pick a direction to go and stick with it and as I make my way down the hall way in search of an answer as to why I'm here in the first place, something really interesting catches me eye.

"Is that...me!?" I gasp in disbelief as I spot a large, very expensive looking portrait upon that wall of none other than yours truly. He's wearing a Hugo Hoofner style jacket, a top hat, monocle and has a big, fat expensive cigar in his...my teeth. His teeth that are even more stained than mine are now and making a very miserable looking expression completed by his tired, drooping eyes and graying mane and coat. Jeez, this must be my future! The outfit wouldn't look half bad if it were my twenty something self wearing it but at whatever point this is, I've seen better days!

I continue my way down the hall past at least a dozen or so rooms, open up the doors one by one and peek in to find nopony and nothing but more furniture, some really well equipped bathrooms, a library, a really big theater room and several aquarium rooms. Some things never change, I still like my fish tanks. I can't help but mosy on about some of these rooms and look at my future collection of fish and upon seeing what I managed to get my hooves on later in life is getting me excited. The first room I trotted though was ice cold with what must have been an industrial sized air conditioner blasting away as to keep the tanks full of trout nice and frigid.

The next room was the typical room temperature with more Equestrian native species of fish including bass and sunfish. The next tank over was full of big, fat carp and catfish. After admiring those fish, I trotted on over to the next to see some more exotic ones. This must have been the tropical room and there were tanks full of all kinds of tetras, angelfish, and cichlids. One more room over was full of goldfish. Now when I say goldfish, I don't mean the ones you buy for half a bit for your foal to get them to shut up for a minute and flush the next week, I'm talking about blue ribbon winning ones. Orandas and Ryukins the size of hoofballs! Koi that are easily three feet long and beautiful too! Wow, my future is awesome! I must have it made!

That's when I was about to find out that I could add that to the growing list of things I got wrong as I could hear somepony profusely sobbing in the next room over as I trotted out the door. Whoever it is must be having a really rough time, because they're really wrenching in agony. If this is supposed to be my own mansion later on in life then it only makes sense that this rough, haggard sounding voice wailing in distress is somepony I'll want to talk to. I trot into the other room to see a stallion sitting at a desk with his back facing me.

I couldn't see his face but it was already a sad sight to behold. The guy's mane and what I could see of his coat was gray, lifeless, and falling out in clumps before my eyes. Is this what I'm about to become? Surely this must be decades from now as the guy looks and sounds like he's pushing a hundred. I'd be shocked if I made it that far with the abuse my body takes and to be fair, it's my own fault. I just can't get a word out of my mouth though and I just stand there gawking awkwardly until a strange clicking catches my attention.

This clicking it...it sounds familiar. My future self must be fiddling with some sort of device as he sits there with his back turned to me. Much to my horror, I find out what he's about to do and as I see him slowly raise a snub nose type revolver and place the muzzle firmly against the side of his head, I can't keep my mouth shut any longer. I may be a mean, grumpy son of a bitch but even at my worst, I can't stand by and let somepony kill himself without trying to intervene.

"Don't...don't do it!!" I shout just before the stallion in the chair pulls the trigger.

The old gray stallion on the other side of the room freezes and his hoof shakes with the small handgun firmly in his clutch. I stand there shaking and preparing myself to try to talk him out of making such a terrible decision when he slowly lowers the gun and places it back down upon the desk. He then slowly spins around in his chair to face me and that's when my blood ran even colder than it usually does.

What I saw was a tired, frightened, confused, miserable, lonely husk of a pony. What I saw was me and what I was to become in the future and I didn't like it one bit. The shaking, quivering pegasus who used to be a bright, vibrant red was now totally gray and most of the feathers on his wings were all gone and the few that were left had all but shriveled up. As he sat there and stared back at me, I could see locks of his mane and coat falling out before my very eyes. I would soon join my future self in a series of trickling tears as he finally began to speak.

"Could it be?" The stallion, my own self in the future gasped as he stared at his younger, more vibrant former self. "Are you...am I here to...fix this?"

"What in the fuck happened to me!?" I sobbed as my older self slowly arose from his chair and began to hobble his way towards me. "What the...is this what happens to me when I get old!? Is this how my life ends!? I end up killing myself as a miserable old pony!?"

"Old? Caddy...who said this is what happens when you're old?"

"What the fuck are you talking about!?"

"Caddy...Caddy, you stupid, imbecilic fool. You poor foolish bastard...you're forty-six years old at this point."

I'm scared. I'm really fucking scared now that I end up aging this badly and try to off myself in less than twenty years from now. I don't get it. I obviously succeeded with my business and have become a multi millionaire. I have a big mansion and everything I could have ever wanted. Why is this my fate!? Why does this happen to me!?

"W-what the fuck...why do I end up like this!? What happened to me at such a young age!?"

"What you're doing right now, Caddy." My future self replied. "You're slowly undoing everything you have in your life that could bring you any happiness. You're successful, sure. You do well for yourself and carve up a nice little slice of empty heaven but you unknowingly set yourself up for misery."

"How could somepony be miserable with a six thousand bit tossakin with a blue ribbon stuck to it's tank!?"

"You idiot!! You've chased away everypony who ever tried to get close to you!! You have not a single friend in the world because you can't get yourself to let anypony else within a hundred feet of you!!"

"W-what about Shining Armor and Cadence!? What about Twilight!?"

"You ended up telling them you never wanted to see them again on your thirtieth birthday, you asshole! You told them to fuck off and never speak to you again because they invited you to go on a trip with them you...you...you stupid son of a bitch, how could you do this to yourself!? To them!? Your only friends!! The ponies who wanted nothing more than to help you achieve happiness! They loved you and you broke their hearts and destroyed your own life! This is why you end up like this!"

"But I would never...not them..."

"Well, you did! And right in front of Flurry Heart too! You chased away anypony else who wanted to get to know you! You alienated yourself from your own family too! Your sisters, cousins, parents, and your nieces loved you more than you ever could have imagined! All for what? I still can't figure out why I just lost trust in my own kind, even my own flesh and blood."

I couldn't get another word out, I was too choked up. I was horrified that this is how I would end up, not because I aged so poorly but I could become so black hearted that I could do such a thing to my own kin and the few friends I had. I could have it all. The wealth, the mansion, everything money could ever buy but it would mean fuck all and bring me no joy. To become so sickly and so miserable and long for death because I was too mistrusting to even allow somepony to throw a smile my way. What have I done?

"This isn't good for ponies, Caddy..." My future self said softly as he placed an old gray hoof under my chin. "Ponies need friends, Caddy. We're social creatures, we're naturally programmed to long for friendship. We don't do well when we have nopony to love of love us in return...I just wish I would have learned that before it was too late."

"There's till time!" I gasped. "I can fix this! I survived being drugged, right!? I can change!"

"Will you? Would you do that for not only family and your friends but for yourself too? Please change your ways, Caddy, every moment you live in this state is agony. I'm so alone and in so much pain. Y-you've been hurt by so many others before but that's why you moved to Ponyville. To get a fresh start. You're letting them win by being the way you are. You're broken...but you can be fixed.

The tears of my future self began flowing again but I let out a scream and began quickly trotting backwards as the liquid flowing down his face had abruptly changed from clear to crimson. The worst form of the very deepest of depression where you cry tears of your own blood. Many ponies thought it was just a myth but it's said that if one cries blood, they have reached the true lowest of the low and the only way out was through death. I can't let this happen. I must change my ways before it's too late. I have hurt those around me for far too long. I've become a self destructive monster who despised his own kind and had not one friend he could turn to. I won't let this happen. I need to wake the fuck up and change this!

"Hm? Oh, this?" My future self inquired nonchalantly as he noticed my horror that was my own bloody tears. "Yeah, this actually happens a lot lately. It's pretty much the point of no return. Quite painful really. Seen enough?"

"Yes! I-I've seen more than enough!" I sobbed as I knelt down as if I was about to grovel. "I'll change, I swear! I won't let this happen to you! I'll make friends and cherish them! We won't have to live like this!"

"That's...all I could ever ask for...take care of yourself...be kind to others...let them into your life...not everypony is out to harm you..."

A sudden strong gust of wind overtook the room and the hallway, swiftly blowing out all the candles and ushering in a pitch black darkness. Just like before when I passed out, my head started to ache. As I watched the back void I occupied turn into a blinding white abyss again, my body began to feel really strange, almost as if I was laying down on my back.

"Be kind to others, Caddy." My future self echoed through the void. "Your whole life can greatly improve by doing just that. You need friends, Caddy. Everypony does."

"Haaahhh!" I yelped as I sprang awake.

Much like after my encounter with Applejack, I found myself in a nice, comfy hospital bed with all kinds of tubes and wires attached to me. Well, more this time than last. I must have had one bad fucking reaction to whatever Berry Punch spiked that drink with. I can't believe she even fucked me while I was drugged. Bitch.

I really shouldn't dwell on that right now because before long, I received visitor after visitor and they just kept coming. Cadence and Shining Armor obviously showed up along with Twilight and Flurry Heart. My mom, my dad, my two sisters and my nieces came to see me. Applejack came and bawled while hugging me tightly, Cheerilee, hell even Pinkie Pie came to drop off a card and some flowers. She didn't stay more than half a minute before she took off again. Sweet Faust, what have I done? I need to make things right with her.

I've been a terrible pony and still, I have so many others lining up to see that I'm making a full recovery. Apparently I almost died as I ended up being allergic to whatever shit that was. I decided not to press attempted equinicide charges against Berry Punch. Yeah, she really screwed me over but she didn't actually intend on killing me. Still though, I have some work to do when I get out of here.

I still can't get over just how many ponies came to see how I was doing. Even though I've been such an asshole to so many of them, still, they wanted to see me get well. I've been told that Ponyville takes care of their own and I'm seeing that first hoof. The least I can do is open up and show that I'm grateful for what everypony has done for me. It took a near death experience for me to come to this realization and I certainly won't squander this opportunity to change myself. From now on, I will no longer be pushing ponies away who wish to get close to me, both figuratively and literally. Also avoiding lashing out in anger couldn't hurt.

I can start by being more receptive to the help Cadence and Shining Armor want to give me. They're taking time from ruling the Crystal Empire just to make sure I'm going to be okay. I can't take this lightly. Well, now that I'm out of the hospital, I can think that over while at work. I need to get my shit straight there too, I haven't been able to focus lately. Little did I know though, I was in for one of the bigger shocks I've dealt with.

My Employees have opened the store this morning as I was unable to do so until now, so I trotted through the door to my store and no sooner that I stepped hoof inside, my employees got together and pushed me right back out. What the fuck are they doing!? I'm their boss! I've never seen such insubordinate behavior from them! I demand an explanation or somepony's getting fired!

"What gives!?" I snapped in utter disbelief that my own employees just shoved me out of my own place of business.

"Sorry, Caddy. You're taking some time off for health reasons." My assistant manager stated matter of factly.

"And just who in the hell decided that!? If I'm taking time off work, it's because I said so! I'm your boss, guys!"

"That you are, but so is Princess Twilight Sparkle."

One of my associates then hoofed a scroll over to my assistant manager who then unrolled it for me to read. Sure enough, it donned the seal of my friend Princess Twilight Sparkle herself. She had made some sort of royal decree involving me and my job.

By order of her royal highness Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle, a one Cadillac Taille Finz is to take one full month away from his job or until his blood pressure levels (which are to be closely monitored) return to healthy levels, whichever comes first. Said staff has been tasked with seeing that Mr. Finz refrains from working until these terms are met.
Non negotiable.

"Get the fuck out of here." I stammered in disbelief of what I was reading.

"You get the fuck out of here." My assistant said as she shut the front door in my face.

Okay, so I've been kicked out of my own store and can't work for a month. I mean, I'm still making money because I own the place and ponies are still buying my shit but what the fuck am I gonna do for a month? Well, I could make some more friends like Cadence has been getting on my case about. With all this free time, a new perspective and a more open mind, I shouldn't have much trouble with that. In the meantime, I need to stock up on cigars and booze as I'm running dangerously low.

With my schedule cleared for who knows how long, I made my way to my favorite shop that sells all kinds of goodies for grownups. I loved the sweet aroma of those premium cigars sitting in that huge humidor in the tobacco isle, just waiting for me to light up and enjoy. Ah, and the huge selection of top shelf liquor for me to go home and get smashed on. The only thing that was amiss was that the clerk looked a bit nervous when I trotted in. That's odd, I'm always friendly to her, what could the issue be? I was about to find out as I placed my treasures up on the counter to pay for them.

"Um...Caddy?" The clerk said, sweat beading up on her brow.

"Um, yeah? What's up?" I asked, not knowing what to expect.

"So uh...I can't sell this stuff to you."

"Come again?"

Did they increase the drinking and smoking age or something? I mean, I just turned twenty-eight, there's no way that's the reason. Upon hearing this very unwelcome news, I tensed up and veins could be plainly seen jutting from my neck and forehead. This is probably why the mare behind the counter was so nervous. She probably thinks I'm about to blow up and take it out on her. Well, being a counter pony myself, I know what it's like to deal with asshole customers and for whatever reason she can't sell me this stuff surely wasn't her own decision. Okay, deep breaths, Caddy. Just relax and calmly get to the bottom of this.

"May I ask why not?" I said calmly.

"Because of this." The clerk said as she held up an open scroll with a shaky hoof.

By order of her royal highness Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle, a one Cadillac Taille Finz is not to be sold any tobacco or alcohol products of any kind until further notice. This applies to any retailer within Equestria and the Crystal Empire, whom of which have all been alerted of said royal decree. Failure to adhere to this decree will result in fines up to and including revocation of retail license. Non negotiable.

"Okay, I get it. It's not your decision, you're just following orders." I said calmly in attempt to put the clerk at ease. "I can't rightly be upset with you."

"Phew. You had me worried for a minute there." The mare at the counter said with much relief. "I'm glad you understand, Caddy. The Princess has been worried about your health so she put this thing together to help you."

"Nice. Alright then, I'll be going. You have yourself a fine day now."

"You too, Caddy! Thanks again!"

Fuck you, Twilight. How could you do this to me? To her credit, she has good intentions. Twilight is my friend and she's doing what she thinks is best for me. She, Cadence and Shining Armor have very explicitly told me that they don't want to have to bury me before I reach thirty. I owe it to them to take better care of myself. Okay, so I can't work, I can't drink, nor can I smoke. What am I gonna do?

Okay, get a grip, Cadillac. This is the start of a new you. If not just for me, I'll do it for the friends I have and my family. I even have a new friend in Applejack and Cheerilee and I have started talking again. There are ponies all over the place I could talk to. Which reminds me...I have somepony in particular in mind. My first stop of the day will be Sugarcube Corner.

I took to the air and began making my way to Sugarcube Corner where I intended on making amends and setting things right with somepony I wronged. When I first moved to Ponyville, I told Pinkie Pie to go fuck herself when she tried to throw a welcoming party for me...among other shitty things I said to her. Told all the other ponies to get the fuck out of my house before I "blew their heads off", that kinda thing. It's a wonder why ponies around here buy anything from me. So anyway, before the day is through, I'm going over there to apologise and hopefully earn her forgiveness.

My trip to Sugarcube Corner wasn't without a small delay though, in the form of a unicorn stallion about my age calling up to me as he waved his hooves down below to grab my attention. Normally, I would have completely ignored somepony wanting to speak with me but I promised myself and Celestia in my dream that I would treat ponies better and not be so withdrawn. I also had the free time for once so I might as well just see what this guy wants.

"What's up?" I asked as politely as I could as I landed on the ground in front of the pony who wished to talk to me.

"Oh, thanks for stopping, Caddy!" The Stallion beamed. "I have a technical question for you. I'm trying to put my wheel back on my cart here and I don't know how hard to torque the lug nuts back on."

Okay, normally, I'd get pissed off that somepony would waste my time with this or first ask for a payment for information like this. This time...I'll bite the bullet and help a guy out. He seems nice enough and I see no signs of ulterior motives. I don't see any cronies of his sneaking up behind me to grab my wallet. Okay, I'll see what I can do. I proceed to glance over at the cart in question and offer some advice.

"You'll wanna torque those down to one hundred foot pounds." I said as I pointed at the wagon which was jacked up off the ground with its missing wheel lying underneath it. "Make sure to tighten them down in a star pattern too, otherwise it won't go on straight and it'll wobble."

"Thanks, Caddy!" The stallion beamed. "I really appreciate that!"

"No worries." I replied as I spread my wings and prepared to take off.

"Hey, we should hang out sometime. You've lived in ponyville for a little while now but not many ponies have actually gotten to know you. What do you say?"

"Huh...You know what, I suddenly have a surplus of free time. I just might take you up on that."

I flew off with a strange feeling that was quite unfamiliar to me. It was actually...nice. I actually stopped to help somepony out for absolutely nothing in return save for a nice feeling. I was going against my usual distrusting nature and I still had my wallet! He seemed to have no intentions on picking on or hassling me. Okay, maybe not everypony who approaches me is in it to hurt me. I could get used to that idea.

Well, I'm about to try it on somepony else as I swoop down in front of the doorstep to Sugarcube Corner. Not gonna lie, I'm a bit nervous. It has to be done though. I was a huge fucking prick to one of the nicest ponies in town and I need to clear my conscience. I pushed the door open and trotted on in to see that it must have been the slow hour as there was one customer at the counter with the bright eyed Pinkie Pie sending them off with a box of doughnuts. Turns out I wouldn't have to wait long.

I've bought stuff here before and despite my mistreating her before, Pinkie Always greets me with a wide smile as any other customer who trots in. Today was no different. I trotted past the first customer and up to the counter and sat on my haunches in front of the sweet mare at the counter. Judging by the obvious look I must have had on my face, she knew I must have had something to say and wasn't there to just buy a muffin.

Before I knew it, I was pouring what remained of my black heart out before Pinkie Pie and I thank Celesia there was nopony else there to witness it. For the first few minutes of my whining, she just stood there and gawked, she probably didn't see this coming. The recent near death experience I had changed my perspective on a lot of things and I knew I had some work to do in order to become a better pony.

After a few tears being shed, and some warm hugs being shared between Pinkie and I, the five o'clock rush was starting to pick up and I couldn't keep her away from her work any longer. I trotted out of Sugarcube Corner with a new friend and that weird, warm, fuzzy feeling I had before but now tenfold. Being kind to somepony actually felt really good. I need more of this and I need it now.