Lovely Misadventures

I spent the rest of that day with an ice pack on my nuts. Octavia managed to hit me there with one of her cello bows. Do I regret anything that happened the night before? Fuck no. And if I can catch those two when neither of them are in heat, I'd fuck both of them again without a second thought. Until then, I've still got time off work and a town waiting for me to aimlessly trot around in it and initiate conversation with other members of my species. I mean, we are social beings after all, right?

Normally I'd say to Tartarus with socializing but with a new and improved outlook on ponykind and nothing better to do with all this free time, I plan on doing just that. I have a few small errands to run in town anyway but first things first when I wake up in the morning. Gotta take my morning dump before I head out. It's a bit of a process for me, I gotta take some safety precautions. As George Carlin once said, your own farts smell okay. Most ponies could go read comic books in the closet with no problem. Me? Mine are so bad, they bother me.

I do what I always do every morning and tightly shut the door to my bathroom off from the rest of the house. I have it sealed with a big rubber gasket as to keep any gas from leaking in. With my window wide open, a big fan blowing out of it and my gas mask firmly strapped to my face, I sit on my porcelain throne and start pushing out some nuclear scorchers. Even through the gas mask, I can still get somewhat of a whiff of the abominations plopping into the toilet bowl and I have to act quickly as to avoid passing out.

Normally, right now would be the last time anypony would want to bother me as the state of any trees and bushes unfortunate enough to have been growing near my bathroom window would be a good hint to steer clear. At least ponies who live here in town know that. Not so much those who come from a long distance to check on me to see how I'm doing. For a certain nosy pink friend of mine, her curiosity will most likely be the death of her.

"Good Morning Caddy!" My dear friend Cadence beamed with a smile as she poked her head into my bathroom window, assuming that its open state was some sort of an invitation.

"No, Cadence, don't!!" I scream through my gas mask as I frantically wave my hooves around.

It was too late. As I tried to quickly finish my loaf pinching, Cadence stood at my open window as her eyes began to water and part of her mane became slightly singed. Within seconds, she was passed out cold on the ground, laying there twitching in a patch of dead, dried up grass. Ah shit.

Two hours later...

I managed to quickly finish dropping bombs in my toilet and get Cadence out of the fallout zone before it was too late and after a while of fanning her with my wings, she faded in and out of consciousness until she finally became stable. The sudden swelling of her cheeks was an indication that she required a bucket, which I brought to her just in time. After a while of tossing up her breakfast and taking deep breaths in between some sips of cold water, she decided that she had some choice words for me.

"How..." Cadence began in between deep breaths. "How is this possible? How does something so unholy come out of a living pony's body?"

"Couldn't tell you, Cadence." I said with a shrug.

"I bet I know. Get me a quill and some parchment, bucko. Now."

Wondering why she needed such items, I went to my into my study and fetched them for my badly weakened friend. Without a word, she promptly began writing a letter which from looking over her shoulder, I could see it was bound for Twilight. I couldn't see the rest of it, so what exactly she was sending to our mutual friend was anypony's guess. When she was done, she used her aura to send it and it disappeared with a bright flash and a loud snap.

"What was that all about?" I asked quizzically.

"Just get out of here and get some fresh air." Cadence huffed as she stumbled towards my front door. "You'll find out soon enough."

Once we were out the door, Cadence and I parted ways for the time being. I can't keep her from her duties with my self destructive antics any longer so she can only pop in for a moment to make sure I'm at least still alive. Shrugging off the letter she sent to Twilight simply being a complaint about the ungodly stench of my bowel excretions, I took to the air towards town with my first destination already in my sights.

I can already taste that juicy breaded and fried eggplant in between the slices of a buttered bagel, squished between several slices of gooey cheese. That's what I call breakfast and like I mentioned before, all I have to do is hover over the stand selling them, drop some bits down and catch what she throws to me. Well, I'm fungry, so I'm not wasting any time. And in case you're wondering, no, that f in place of an h wasn't a typo, I'm totally fungry which is just my own way of saying "I'm fucking hungry!"

Now that I'm in position, I reach into my wallet, pull out the same little hoofful of bits I always do and drop them down to the pony at the stand. Within two seconds, I'm greeted with my breakfast flying up to me and as always, I catch it like a pro buckball player. As always, I open up the little box expecting my greasy, gooey deliciousness to be instead greeted by...

"The fuck's this shit!?" I barked as I opened my box to find a bundle of celery sticks and baby carrots.

Normally, I wouldn't have time to stick around and bitch about it but since I don't have to work and only have a few small errands to run today, I plan on getting to the bottom of this. Calmly and gracefully, I flutter my way down to the ground to meet the young lady who sells me my breakfast every morning to clear up what must simply be an honest mistake.

"Uh hey, Canola Oil..." I addressed the mare politely as I held up my open box of what I totally didn't order. "You seemed to have sent these up by mistake."

"Oh, I'm sorry Caddy, but this was actually no mistake." Canola Oil replied with a nervous chuckle.

I know that look. Uh-oh, Cadence, you didn't. Yup, she's pulling a scroll out from under her counter, she totally did. Lo and behold, does she unroll it for me to see plain as day. I gotta admit though, I'm impressed by how quickly laws are passed here in Equestria.

By order of Her Royal Highness Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle, a one Cadillac Taille Finz is not to be sold to by any establishment any type of food that has been processed by means of frying in oil, fat, or grease of any kind until further notice. Failure to abide by said decree will result in revocation of vending permits. Non negotiable.

"Oooh, now I see what she did there." I said. "Okay, well I'm still fungry so I guess this shit will have to do."

I opened up and stuck a stick of celery into my gob, took a bite off of it, and began to chew. It was bitter as all hell, tough to chew through and just plain fucking disgusting. I hate celery and carrots aren't exactly my favorite either. I hope I can at least drink anything other than water.

"Ugh, you got anything to wash the taste out of my mouth?" I asked, hoping for something to drink.

"Uh, lemme see..." Canola Oil replied as she disappeared under her counter in search of something.

I could hear her rummaging through her things under there and by the sounds of it, her inventory was currently quite limited. After a moment of items being shuffled around, Canola Oil finally returned from underneath her counter with the choices.

"Okay, right now I only have Faygo soda and crab juice." Canola Oil said with a shrug.

"Auuggh, bleahh!!" I cringed with disgust at one of the options that was presented to me. "I'll have a crab juice!"