Chapters I don't usually pretend to know exactly what I'm doing because most of the time I know exactly what I'm doing. I am Twilight Sparkle, top of my class, studious lover of knowledge and protege to Princess Celestia. This, I know. I know exactly what I'm doing. I was sent to Ponyville to learn more about friendship. I am to send regular reports back to Princess Celestia about my findings and my stay is indefinite until the mysteries of friendship are revealed to me. I am sure of these things and I know exactly what I'm doing.
"Ooookay Twilight, this is the last part so pay super clooooose attention, okay?"
"It's just making cupcakes Pinkie, I'm pretty sure I can get it."
"I'm just kidding Twilight! I know you know exactly what you're doing! The last ingredient is 2 cups of milk."
"Okay."
"Or about 16 fluid ounces. I know every number when it comes to baking measurements! Let's go ahead and finish this recipe! Twooooo. Cuuuuuppps. Ooooooffff. Miiiiiiiilk." Pinkie said in slow-motion.
Why did she say that in slow motion?
It has been a rough few days. I'm already the element of magic and I have many new friendships to foster. If anything, Ponyville has caught me by surprise but I never pretend to know what I'm doing because I know what I'm doing at all times.
I am letting an earth pony, whose name I don't know stick his thing inside me during business hours of the library. I know exactly what I'm doing.
Okay, okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay, okay hoo-this is okay.
Oh my, oh goddesses.
"Look your dick is very nice-okayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayoooooooooookay, that's nice."
"You okay Twi-Oh."
What a time for Spike to walk into the room, that dragon has the worst timing when I am trying to solve my own problems. "Spike I am trying to solve my own problems! Right now I have a very nice dick inside me, I know exactly what I'm doing, I've got it handled and I am on top of it! I don't need you right now, okayokayokayOKAYohhhh.....okay?"
"Okay, I'm gonna go in the back."
"Okay uh, AHHHH don't forget to organize the-okayokayokay!!!" This is. Hello this. How did this? Is this? How are you Twilight? Oh you know, just...OOOOOKAYthatsnice. I'm pretty sure I'm going into shock. Is it possible to go into sexual shock? I think I have the book on Sexual Habits of Equestria's Creatures over there-NNNGG It's so hard to use my magic, my horn is going insane, If I could just stop moaning, I could read this darn passage. Doesn't he know I'm trying to find out important stuff here-
"It says here 'OKAYokaythatuhhoooohfuuuuOkayokayokayokay
"What?" he says, continuing to give me a number of orgasms I hadn't considered to be practical.
What does this say? Oh my. I don't think I can read it out loud. The Earth Pony, especially after maturation is the most virile of species in Equestria and can, on average, produce up to 500ml of semen per ejaculation. 500?? "If I'm not mistaken that's about 16 fluid-OOOOOOOUUUunces!"
"Hey, you remembered my name!" Said Fluid Ounces.
What? Well, 16.69 fluid ounces to be precise, if we're going on the common Equestrian conversion table, which is also about 2 cups! Of earth pony cum! Wait, Why am I picturing Pinkie Pie? What are you doing in my head right now? "All that's left is two cups of milk! Twooo. Cuuuups. Oooof. Miiiiilk." Why was she saying that in slow-motion at the end? Did she know this was going to happen?
Suddenly I pictured those 2 cups on the counter of Sugar-Cube corner and I remember it seemed like a lot. I didn't notice at the time but Pinkie winked at me. I'm starting to think that maybe Pinkie Pie has a trace of latent magic categorized as-
"Gonna cum soon."
Oh goddesses, 2 cups! I don't think that much cum will fit into me, I need to tell him!
"There's there's there's there's, okay okay okay, uhm cum drippies!"
No good, I can't say things. There's bound to be a mess and "Ssss.....Oh.....dear...." and I just washed the library floor today. I have a very small pussy, and this earth pony is quite large. "Sp-HUH-okayokay-SPI-Hoh-IKE I NEED AH Ah AH, hooohorsefeathers. A TOWEL!!"
A towel is ingloriously thrown from the back without a word from the little dragon. "Th-tha-oh-kay you!!!"
"What? I'm gonna cum." Said the earth pony, currently making my insides churn.
According to my calculations, if he-wow-okay-mm-okayokayokayokayokayokaywarmwarmhotokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokay, that's a lot of semen-
"Cool, a towel thanks." He wipes his face.
"I'm okay, thank you for cumming in the Ponyville Library..."
Why am I picturing Pinkie Pie winking at me? There must be at least a cup of pony semen on the floor. My legs are convulsing, I think I've come down with a fever, and I'm in heaven.
"That was fun, I'll see you around."
"Hooo...yeah, okay."
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I must admit your last letter threw me for a loop. Of course, I will respond in kind. There is no way that I would shun you for such a thing, PLEASE DO NOT WORRY. Enclosed is a list of magical spells to check for any kind of disease and they are discreet enough if you use them in private. It seems even after centuries of living, you can still manage to surprise me. Since you have chosen to share this with me I would feel remiss if I didn't open up in the slightest if to, at least, give you some validation on your experience with Fluid Ounce. I don't mean to impart the sexual history of an immortal ruler on you but there are times when I've done similar things, yes it is natural and no you shouldn't feel ashamed. A thing to consider though, my most faithful student is that the average pony's life is fragile and short. We are drawn together by our love for each other and pulled closer by our desire to pass on what we have experienced to our fillies because of that delicate span of existence. Thus, the almost impossible to urge to ignore our bodies telling us we are ready. It is easier for me to say that I have made mistakes because I am likely going to live long enough to reconcile them. Twilight, as my student and as a close friend, I am glad that you have explored your wants and physical expressions, but be careful about the false connection, and unruly promise that such early intimacy can create, for yourself and for others, but as far as not being my student anymore because you have decided to allow yourself the pleasure of a fine young buck, this will most assuredly not happen. No matter how many times you should ever allow yourself this, or how many mistakes you have made, I will always hold you in the highest of regards. I have made enough mistakes for us both, enough for ten lifetimes. You are more than that to me and you have more to add to this world than the sum of an afternoon of splendor. Please continue to write about your experiences in Ponyville, and for the record, yes, I do know what you mean by earth pony stamina, I have been around for quite some time, also enclosed is a spell to widen the threads of fabric to get out tough stains.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Twilight stood placid in front of the mirror. She took a deep breathe and changed expressions. With surprising ease and clarity, she was uttering phrases that would make even the most seasoned of lovers blush.
"Fuck me, Fluid. Your cock fits so good inside my little pussy."
"Hm...Please fuck me Fluid, your cock fits so good inside my...tiny pussy? Little pussy. Little pussy is better. Please, no not please..just fuck me. I'll strike the please."
Twilight takes a moment to compose herself. "Fuck me Fluid. Your cock fits inside my little-"
"I don't mean to interrupt darling-"
"Ahhhh!! Rarity!!"
"Just popped by to drop off the conditioner."
"Oh gosh, I was just-"
"Oh please Twilight, you needn't explain to me! The things my bathroom mirror has heard over the years! Well, let's just say it's a good thing walls can't talk. I daresay, they'd have some dirt on me.
"Thanks Rarity. I'm sorry, did you hear much of that??.
"I came in around the time you were recanting how much of a 'little mareslut' you were."
"Ugh..."
"Oh posh darling, may I?"
"Sure?"
"Ohh fuck me Fluid, like a dirty little mare! Aahhh! Oooh pull my tail on to that big cock! Goddesses, you're stretching out my little pussy so good, please don't stop, give me everything darling, every drop, I want every drop of that thick cum! Mmmm cum inside me Fluid! Oh fuck I'm cumming too! Ahhh Fluid! MmmmIfeel it shooting inside me. Mmmmfuck!... See? Nothing to it darling."
Rarity winked. What's with everypony winking at me lately?
________________________________________
Twilight. This is completely normal. He is coming to get his scarf and just might possibly check off at least a few of the things I've now compiled to be the proper methods to pounding my pussy.
"Hi. You have my scarf, right?"
"Hello, welcome to the Poiville librarian. I'm scarf and I have your Twilight."
I know exactly what I'm doing. Most people would mistake that as a clumsy use of words, but I'm a pony with a plan. Obviously, my words are part of why he was attracted to me in the first place. Those were a bit more fumbled than I intended, but that is to be expected and I have taken this into account. I know that he finds my awkwardness charming, and my rear to be, well-shaped and soft. At least, so I gathered, based upon the fact that he slipped inside me, after mentioning the shape of my plot and the consistency of my skin. Then, after I mentioned how handsome I thought his posterior was and the physical attributes of his nose, (which is an odd thing to say, adding to the group of data that leans toward the theory that somehow my ineptness will inflate his attraction towards me.) He had moved my tail to the side and started the process of copulation. I was wet long before he entered me at that time, but that's only because he mentioned how well shaped my posterior was, and that it was cute that I was blushing and didn't have the best way with words, hence my adjustments to behaviour and grooming at this time; I have brushed my tail in such a way, where it sways to the side, slightly giving a more liberal view of my butt and with some foresight I have maintained the thought of him throbbing inside of me, letting that process flush my cheeks, fuel my words and in result have them be less than satisfactory in regards to sentence structure and sense. At the same time, making the blood rush to my reproductive organs so I'll be wet in advance for easier access. The scent of my ponyhood will subconsciously arouse Mr. Ounce, and tap into (harmlessly and tastefully) his more latent and instinctive nature to mate. The strength of my scent should be more alluring and potent after the adjustments to my diet for the past few days as suggested by the Zebraharan's Field Guide to Mating Rituals, thus my chances of flirty engagements increase, and we eventually have wonderful intercourse. I have stricken the word "Okay" from my vocabulary because of repeated use and would possibly hurt my chances being perceived as a plain Jane pony, who lacks the ability to talk dirty. I've spent the past day reading up on the proper use of dirty words and have practiced a few choice sentences in the mirror. In conclusion, if I stick to the plan, be myself and naturally let the symptoms of the thought of him inside me work their magic, I will; Endear myself to him enough through all of these variables, that he'll want to bring my pussy to repeated orgasm with his very well proportioned dick.
"Cool thanks. I'll catch you later."
"Okay!"
"Hey, Twilight. Why did you need this towel again?"
Twilight wiped her face.
Dear Twilight,
I am not surprised that once again the silent entreaties we send to the ones we are attracted to, go unnoticed. This has been a consistent trend for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, raising the sun every morning, and to have your hair perpetually flowing with rays of light, isn't enough to catch the attention of a dull Colt. I appreciate your attention to detail, as always but perhaps in this particular subject, less is better. I still possess the ability to blush, like any pony. But I do admit that, vicariously, I have enjoyed your last two letters. But I remain respectful to your frustrations and only wish that I could provide appropriate advice. But each of us is unique and the colors we use to reach out to each other is too broad in spectrum. I suppose there are some things even I can't teach you or perhaps am too hesitant to. To help you in this regard is a dilemma. On one hoof, I've watched you grow as a filly and it is an awkward subject for me to approach. On the other hoof, I treasure your development and if there's any way I can help foster that, I believe I should. If you would like, continue to write me about this matter and I will provide what input I can, though I think I should keep it to my opinions as an educator and not as a marefriend. If I must be honest though, it is tempting to do otherwise.
Your faithful mentor,
Princess Celestia
The Mild Teleportations of Twilight
POOF!
"Whoah!"
"Holy Horsefeathers!.....Uh, you okay there Sugarcube? What on earth are you wearing?"
"Please...Please don't use that word."
"Uh...Sugarcube?"
"...'Okay'."
"Uh, o-alright then."
POOF!
I've decided I've had quite enough of waiting for Fluid Ounce to finally come to his senses and- "URGH!"...."URGH!!!!!!" So I've resolved to go to him. I've been honing my teleportation spell, and plan to magically appear before him at the precise hour when he arrives home from work (He delivers milk) so he can whisk me inside. I am donning some lingerie that I think will cause him to do so. The only problem is, for some reason, I keep teleporting to Sweet Apple Acres, and have ruined at least 4 sets of sexy wear already, by landing inside of the muddiest part of the pig pen. Every. Time. I can't tell you what Rarity thought as soon as she saw her lingerie returned in such a state. I've changed my trajectory, by uttering inner cantations more softly and with a bigger mental picture. I've practiced a few more times and I've succeeded in teleporting to the landing of his house. All I need to do is wait until he gets home and I know exactly what I'm doing.
POOF!
"Oh, well I'm in his bed. I guess bed is better than nothing. Oh wow." Oh my, his muscles, I can feel them. He's already in bed. He must've already turned in. Wow, he's much taller than I remember, I don't recall him being quite so....Oh! Here we go, he's turning over.
"Like what you see, Big Boy?"
"...Eyyup."
fizzle
FIZZLE
No no no no no no no no no no.
fizzle
I know exactly what I'm doing. I have overworked my horn and I can't handle a powerful spell like teleportation right now. I have teleported myself to the bed of my friend's older brother. I think Big Mac was his name. He's staring at me. I should say something but nothing comes to mind. My hoof is on his chest.
Nothing is happening. Somehow I expected him to pounce on me like a diamond dog in heat. I'm a bit scared, he looks big enough to eat me.
"Big Mac, I-"
"Eyyup." Big Mac gets out of the bed. Oh dear!
"I mean I didn't mean to- I mean we can't- you're not going to-"
"Nope."
Big Mac turns on the light and helps undress me, though nothing in the erotic sense, he just helps me with my zipper, which even with magic is difficult to undo. (Rarity enchanted it, so it's hard to get off for unicorn lovers.) He folds the lingerie and hands it to me.
"Thank yo-I mean really? Am I not attractive?? I'm sorry that's totally not the question to ask. I'm sorry for-"
"Nope."
"Nope to what?"
Big Mac tenderly helps me out of the bed, hands me a small blanket and walks me to the door and out into the hall. He lightly bucks one of the doors in the hall and it pops open, a couple of pillows fall out and he catches them and balances them on his head.
"Uhm, Big Mac-"
"Applejack, Twi magicked here accident'lly! I'm gon' go head and set her up in the guest room!"
"Wh-what? Oh-oka- I mean..shoot, alright then. Hey Sugarcube..."
"Hi Applejack."
We walk in silence and get to the guest room. He turns on the lamp on the bedside table and makes it a point to make sure I'm settled.
"Thanks Big Mac. I'm so sorry about this, I'm so embarrassed."
Big Mac comes to the side of the bed and plants a soft kiss- "okay." -on my forehead. I immediately blush and he says. "'Nope.' You IS attractive. Right smart too. G'night."
"Goodnight."
Assessment:
Big Mac is so hot.
As the day washes over me I find my mind wandering to Big Mac's muscles and the pent-up frustration from all the failed teleportations starts manifesting itself as a little spark of arousal, starting from my forehead and creeping its way down, between my thighs. Heaving a huge sigh, I set aside my moral quandries and start touching myself. I'm slick with arousal, pictures of Big Mac atop me with sweat lining his brow start to make their way into my head and-
POOF
With wide eyes, I am suddenly across the room from a familiar, fit, red earth pony, with wild red hair. He is jacking off with sweat lining his brow. I am frozen in place, quite wet and I have not yet been discovered because his eyes are shut. I think I have enough energy to teleport away but......
He is stroking the most beautiful dick I have ever seen. Holy shit, that is a nice cock. Hmm, those practice sessions with dirty talk are really paying off-aaaaand I'm touching myself. This is a bad idea. Wow, he looks so into it. Mmm I wish I could just...
"...Twilight."
Yup, that's good enough for me.
"Yes?" I whispered, lighting up my horn with a little magic, wrapping my glow around this beautiful farmhand's member. Lucky for me his eyes were still closed.
"Oh nelly, it's darn near like I can feel her." I don't think groans have ever sounded so sexy. When he said my name in that deep, rich voice of his, I just about came.
"Would you like to feel me Big Mac?"
"MMmYup." Oooohhh and without the usually 'Ee' preceding it, it sounds so sinful, does he really not know I'm here? Maybe I can get a little closer, he seems to be so lost in it that I don't think he would notice if I-
As quietly and softly as I could I joined him on the bed. Wow, okay, up close, his thing is even bigger than I realized. Just a little touch...oh my good goddesses, it's twitching in my hands. He hasn't opened his eyes yet...Just a little lick, the scent is intoxicating, I'm absolutely drunk with the smell of his musk. I gave a shy, but ambitious lick up the length of his throbbing erection and he groaned intensely.
"Gonna cum, little darlin."
"Okay Big Mac."
"What the-Twilight? What are you-? AGHHHHMMMMFUCK!" No sooner than I had taken the tip of his massive cock into my mouth, he came. A lot. I coughed as one spurt instantly filled my mouth, while the rest sloppily covered me from head to hoof. I just blinked and may have moaned a little bit as his warm semen hit me. It was almost creamy, like yogurt but it was surprisingly sweet, like maple syrup. Must be all those apples, making a mental note to research the effect diet has on semen. Did I just swallow a huge mouthful of Big Mac's cum? I kinda wanted more, I put a hoof to my head, feeling the creamy substance and licked it off of my hoof. Mmmmmm, it really does taste like maple syrup, wow if I bottled this I could literally put it on my oatcakes in the morning. Using my tongue I licked around my lips to get what I could and involuntarily moaned at the taste.
I was so enraptured in this, that I forgot that Big Mac was now wide awake and watching me. Wait, where is Big Mac? I hear a low chuckling, that broke into a rather silly sounding giggle then I felt a towel hit my head.
"Heeheehee, girl, heeheehee, you is plumb crazy."
The realization kicks in. "Big Mac! It was an-
"Eeyup."
"No really it was so inappropriate of me- I'm sorry! Can you ever forgive me? I wasn't thinking. Are you mad?? Are you gonna tell Applejack-EEP!" Big Mac silenced me, by putting a hoof to my lips.
"Nope. Wasn't appropriate. Eeyup, I can forgive ya'll. Nope, I'm not mad. And Eeyup, cause I'm honest to my sister."
"I don't know what came over me."
Big Mac looked me up and down and scratched his head sheepishly. "I did, I reckon. Now uh....once yer done showering-"
"Can I sleep here?"
"Yup."
"Thanks Big Mac."
"Thanks for breakfast Applejack."
"Ain't no thang, sugarcube, we always have room for one more here. Anytime you wanna drop by, yer always welcome with the Apple Family."
"It looks delicious."
"It oughta be, I ain't the best at science and all that, but as apple fritters go, I think I'm gettin thar."
"Mmm. Wow, it's good."
Applejack grinned mischeviously across the breakfast table.
"So, uh, are you fuckin' mah brother?"
Dear Twilight,
I'm afraid I am more at a loss for words than usual. Your story was, stimulating to say the least. I've heard people say. "Goddesses, give me strength" but I wonder who am I to ask for the strength to not set a bad example. I know of the pony you speak, he sometimes makes deliveries into Canterlot and I have met him on my occasional visit to Ponyville. He is indeed a handsome pony, and I imagine you had a wonderful time. I cannot believe, my faithful student, that you have taken your experience with Big Mac and translated it into a very interesting lesson in friendship in your last letter. To think you would draw the conclusion that Big Mac is desirable for his traits and his looks, thus would attract countless local girls, taking their feelings into consideration. I did not expect that, it seems that you have a better understanding of friendship than I anticipated. There are times when a Princess doubts herself, but I am now sure I did the right thing by sending you to Ponyville and I am certain the elements chose correctly. Continue to write, continue to ever impress me with your studies.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
~~P.S. If you~~
~~Dear Twilight,~~
~~If you wanted maybe I can instruct you further on~~
~~Dear Twilight,~~
~~I think it is perhaps time to~~
"Ugh, I long for the days, when I could just ask Luna to give me a dirty dream." Celestia spat, she then softened and looked longingly up at the moon. "I miss you, sister. If it's any consolation at all."
After a moment she broke her with the Mare in the Moon and returned to her stationery. She adjusted her inkwell and dipped her pen. Celestia's mind wandered a bit while her pen hovered over the blank page, getting a few drips of ink onto the table. Her gaze fell to the dripping feather pen and suddenly, without warning visions of cum-drenched Twilights danced in her head. Feeling self loathing coming on, she hastily shook those thoughts away, crumbled up the blank page and threw it in the garbage can next to her desk.
She groans. Celestia had forgotten how deprived she had been, being a princess had its perks, but the eligible bachelors...Not so much. All the tasty Royal Guard all have somepony back home (Not that she hasn't thought about dancing that dance before.) and her personal staff was -In Celestia's words- "Universally icky." She momentarily entertained summoning some random earth pony to take one for the team.
She momentarily entertained the fantasy. "Do you know why I've summoned you? 'No, my princess, why? To make abhorrent and absurdly pleasurable love to you?' Yes, now please your princess!" Celestia said, playing both parts in this sick little play of her imagination.
She pondered if the aforementioned pony would refuse if she actually went through with it. "Psh. Who would refuse me? This plot?" She thought aloud.
Feeling a bit morose, gazing at her butt in the mirror, she let her face slump on her desk. She twirled a hoof gently around her inkwell, in boredom while she idly magicked her pen. She again caught the sight of her rear in the mirror and it stopped her fidgeting. She frowned and put her pen to the side.
Her body shape hadn't changed for a good century, but somehow it looked...older. Celestia sometimes found herself wishing her sexual desires would have dissolved with age. But immortality is persistent and fate can give you powerful reminders that everything works better than it ever did. She sighed and guiltily eyed Twilight's last letter. It was set on her nightstand and had seen significant use over the past few days. It had a fair bit more wear than Twilight's usual letters. She wrapped her magic around it and lazily floated the crinkled parchment in front of her eyes. "Is she really that innocent? Because this pony has been sending me pornography. Well-written to boot! A-plus, my faithful student. You've succeeded in making your faithful mentor very hot and bothered." She thought, and finished with a small sigh.
Celestia abandoned her station at the desk and moped her way to the bed, dragging her hooves. She laid down on her bed and went "UGHHHHHH!" into a nearby pillow. The pillow had seen it's fair share of use in this respect as well. The events are concordant.
She didn't know what was more messed up. The fact that she didn't stop Twilight from writing her these things, the fact that she had masturbated for three nights in a row to those letters, or that she was almost about to send her student, the eloquent version of a late-night booty call. She stood fully upright on her bed in defiance to her sinking mood. "I am not going to mope. There is a kitchen downstairs and I'm going to drown my sorrows in sugar."
Deciding that she wasn't in the mood for a salute, Celestia decided to leave by way of window. She opened the twin doors of her lavish windows, the gossamer curtains blew gently out into the courtyard.
The cool night air blow in and she stepped on the balcony, spreading her wings. She silently took flight and with one flap of her graceful wings, she gently glided her way into the castle courtyard.
"Time for a snack." As the words left her lips her smile got persistent. The entrance to her favorite kitchen was right in front of her. It was her favorite because this was where they usually made the castle desserts or whatever sweet delicacy they happen to be preparing for whatever nobility needed to be impressed...
"Ugh, nobles." She murmured under her breath as she trotted to the door. The Princess had been caught more than several times stealing sweets from this particular kitchen. Whether it was depression, munchies or a late night snack, she didn't like waiting the whole day for it when there was a banquet. There was one time where the pastry chef mysteriously misplaced half of his stock for The Grand Galloping Gala. She wasn't caught that time. But several guards spotted Celestia leaving her room with pastry crumbs all over her mouth, the gossip was rampant.
Memories of the castle murmurs set off a sigh deep within her. She thinks to herself. "It is one of those nights, time to treat myself."
With a bit of a shady vibe, Celestia opened the doors, and found it slightly odd that they weren't locked. The castle staff wouldn't dream of telling her majest not to go somewhere. But make no mistake, the locks were for Celestia. It was a fringe effort, keeping an Alicorn from her midnight snack. It was a task her subjects didn't know how to deal with. Any security measures would be immediately broken, to the utter dismay of the castle's pastry chef.
Celestia started to hum as she strolled into the kitchen. She knew it so well, that she had her sights set already on a jar of jelly beans in the fourth pantry, the third shelf up. She considered this space hers, and she wouldn't take any flak from whats-his-face-french-chef. Celestia really wanted those jelly beans and thought the gossip an acceptable risk.
As she strode to her prize, she realized she wasn't alone. Someone was rooting through the fridge. It took a second for her to notice on account of her jelly bean fixation. Celestia froze up for a second, she was caught and she didn't want a lecture from an angry french pony. Feeling a bit embarrassed, she turned to hightail it out of there but remembered halfway out the door that she was a princess.
"Wait a minute this is my castle!" she thought abruptly and she suddenly cared not for the opinions of lesser mortals regarding her snack. She demurely cleared her throat at the person rooting through the fridge.
The pony jolted, and leaned back, peeking out of the refrigerator door, revealing an impressively large pony with a scruffy red mane, dark red coat, stunningly toned flanks and an apple for a- "You have got to be kidding me."
"Oh! Princess Celestia! Uh...Nope." Big Mac said, nervously grinning. "Just a little late, I reckon!"
"A little." Celestia said narrowing her eyes, suspicious at this rather stunning turn of events.
Holding a jar of what looked like some kind of preserves in his teeth he tries to speak. "Sorry ma'am, uh Princess. Mr.Lorange, said-"
"Mr. Lorange is my pastry chef Big Macintosh I know what he said, what he will say and everything he will say forever."
Celestia wasn't amused by this rather intrusive temptation. She was about ready to shout for her sister to see if she was in one of Luna's surprise sex dreams. It was late, and she was Horngry and she was super not in the mood for pleasantries.
"Uh. Eyyup?" Big Mac said, sweating bullets. He wasn't sure what he did. But apparently he just somehow antagonized the ruler of Equestria and this is devastating for Big Mac because he usually tries to keep a low profile. "Great, you dunce! You just pissed off the Princess! Say Something!"
Interminable silence, only broken up by the sounds of jars being put onto shelves. Celestia's flowing hair was in sharp contrast to her face, which remained a little peeved at the situation the universe had provided.
"Have you finished?" She said impatiently, cocking an eyebrow at the slightly smaller farm pony.
"Right quick, I reckon." he said, now nervously speeding up, lest he incurs the wrath of snack-deprived Alicorn. "If only I had a horn" He thought to himself, but alas, he continues, jar by jar, with only his teeth to aid him.
"Mmhmm." Celestia said, offering no assistance. She usually refrained from snacking in front of her subjects, there was a certain indignity to letting the world see the glutton side of her. But she sighed in frustration and decided to forget her usual rule and submit to sweets.
She trotted unenthusiastically past Big Mac to get to the pantry. She magically opened it, and levitated the jar of beans to an easy mouth to jar ratio of distance. She leaned up against the counter, unscrewed the cap, which she noisily discarded onto the floor and one by one, started tossing colorful beans into her mouth with a grimace.
Big Mac places a jar.
Celestia eats a jelly bean.
Jar.
Bean.
Jar.
Bean.
Big Mac places another jar of preserves in the fridge and tries to break the tension a little. "Uh, I apologize 'bout the late deliv'ry."
"Yeah, you apologize.." Celestia starts rooting around in the jar for a specific colored bean. She eventually finds her yellow colored prize, amidst some jarring noise of searching through the jar and she tosses it into her mouth. "Popcorn." she says dryly.
"Y-y-ya'll know how them trains are. Just got in a mite later than usual." He eyes, the kitchen cart, only a few more jars left then he's home free. He loads them into the fridge as fast as possible while Celestia just looks him up and down, with an unamused expression. "Tasty." She says.
"My trains are usually on time...Strawberry." She popped another jelly bean into her mouth and chewed rather slowly, leering at the workhorse from across the kitchen.
"AHEM! UHm....eyup. Well that's it, now! G'night now Princess!" He said, attempting to close the fridge but was stopped midway by a yellow glow of magic on the door.
"What kind of preserves are those?" Celestia said, sliding up next to the pony, making him jump. He was now trapped between the refrigerator door and Celestia, and he was nervous as all get-out. She inspected one of the jars closely, raising an eyebrow.
"Uhm...apple, AHEM! Preserves. Princess."
"It'll do." She says. Bringing the jar with her, Celestia hops up onto the center kitchen island, crossing her legs and leaning back. She opens the jar unceremoniously and tosses the cap on the floor with the other. "You may go." After she says this, she dips a hoof into the jar and begins slowly licking it clean.
Big Mac is a bit stunned and didn't exactly register what the Princess said at this rather shocking sight. But he turns to leave just the same. Just as he reaches the door he hears Celestia say. "This is no good."
"Uhm what isn't ma'am-uh-Princess?" He doesn't turn around but he hears Celestia trotting towards him.
"Taste this." A white hoof, iced with apple preserves, appears before Macintosh, he can feel the alicorn's warmth because of how close she is and he starts shaking.
"UHM...bad batch ma'am? I apologize." He manages to tremble out.
"Just taste it." Celestia whispers sternly into his ear.
Not daring to refuse the Princess of Equestria he obliges. "A-a-lrighty then." Hesitantly, Big Mac licks a tiny bit of preserves off of Celestia's hoof. His tongue tingled a little as he did so and Celestia smiled, she knew that the residual magic from her coat made it extremely stimulating for other ponies to touch.
"What did you think of that?" She cooed into his ear.
"Ma'am???"Although hard to see, Big Mac's fur turned two shades darker from his blush.
"The preserves."
"OH! UHM! AhUM! Seems dandy to me!"
"Really? I don't like it." Celestia peels off towards the kitchen island returning to a curt attitude. Leaving Big Mac a little room to breathe. She sets the jar on the table and opens a nearby drawer.
"Oh-uh, you don't?" He says with amazing restraint, considering his situation.
"No Big Mac." She fiddles around in the drawer looking for a utensil, and it is an unsettling amount of noise. Big Mac tries to change the subect, by attempting to return to business matters.
"Well uh, I can talk to Granny-"
"No you see Big Macintosh..." To no avail, she presses on.
"...I can't have preserves by itself. I blame it on my royal upbringing. Need the walls to match the curtains, need the sun to match the moon, always have to have something with something. Wine with Cheese. Cookies with Milk." She levitates a knife out of the drawer and gives the jar a gentle stir with it. Turning around, she approaches the farm pony, and with the knife, spreads a small portion of preserves on Big Mac's neck. She cleans off the sticky substance, with a series of licks and sloppy kisses.
"See, you know, I can already taste the difference." She says, pretending that that wasn't the most exciting thing she had done recently.
Big Mac is reeling. He is struck nearly stupid from what just happened. "The Princess ate Preserves off my neck!!" He thinks wildly!
Celestia coyly trots back to the kitchen island and puts both front hooves on the countertop, she then daintily spreads a liberal amount of preserves on and around her plot. Big Mac watches in awe, as tiny bits of apple and jelly adorn Celestia's cutie mark, dripping down further between her legs, which he can now see is shiny from a combination of sweet sugary syrup and the natural nectar of the Princess of the Sun herself.
"See if you can taste the difference for me?"
"Eyyup."
"Where have you been?"
"Eating preserves off the Princess."
"Okay Mac, you had a bad day, you don't need to be sarcastic."
Author's Note
Fixed it up a little, but it's still a bit of a hot mess.
"C'mon, Celestia old girl, pull yourself together.
Do you know what you are doing?
I've been doing this for as long as time existed, I know exactly what I am doing."
Celestia didn't know what she was doing. Ever since she became enamored with jam, her late-night indulges were starting to become progressively more ravenous.
A figurative apple clunked her noggin. She chalked it up to the sticky nature of jam, all that licking and sucking gave rise to lascivious thoughts and now her focus was breaking out of 1000-year old itch. The immortal and more complicated version of a mid-life crisis.
Celestia She found herself knocking indiscriminately at the Ponyville library at an ungoddessly hour
Celestia had gotten a bout of the ol' "I'm-Immortal-I'll-Make-It-Work" mentality and had found herself about to knock on the window of her faithful, very young student. It was currently three o'clock in the morning and Celestia had a case of increasingly poor jam judgment.
She had decided to bang, Twilight Sparkle, forthwith, and post-haste.
Being a Goddess of light, she was expectedly hesitant, in the night. "Luna will never let me hear the end of this." She thought morosely, as she knocked. Luna was sure to find out, and it's not likely she'd be willing to forget secrets anytime soon.
There was a slight rustle from inside, Celestia panicked and turned to go, spread her wings, and then-
"Princess Celestia? What are you doing here?" Said Spike, clad in a little nightshirt and cap.
"Damn, forgot about the little purple nigga." Celestia thought urbanly. Spike was a few words away from being a Goddess's cockblock. She had to think quick before-
"PRINCESS? Uh, I didn't know you were- Well, of course, I did- I had it on my calendar! I mean I think I do- because I for sure didn't forget our 3:15 meeting, let me just-Spike don't just stand there! Make the princess some tea or something! Would you like some tea?-"
"Twilight, we ran out of tea yesterday."
"Honestly Spike, please go get some, the Princess is waiting!"
"But no places are open at-"
Twilight looks panicked and begins to plead with the little dragon in annoyingly adorable and desperate ways.
He remains unimpressed, but he gives in with a sigh. "I'll go see if Fluttershy has some..." He takes a little hoodie from the coat hanger by the entrance and starts to leave, grumbling a little. On his way out the door, he has a thought and cracks a smile before throwing a finger gun gesture at Celestia. "Chamomile, right?" He asks brightly.
"Yes, Chamomile, of course, thank you, Spike." Celestia awkwardly said,-
-while internally she guffawed. "Well, that worked out well! Now all I have to do is-" Her thoughts were interrupted when she turned to face Twilight. She looked delightfully perturbed and at the same time delighted. If that was at all possible, Twilight could swing it.
Celestia swooned as Twilight murmured to herself.
"Actually, I'm sure we didn't have a meeting... It's Tuesday... Well, Wednesday now..."
Celestia, while still a bit stymied by her conscience, was managing to pull off grace. "Do you have something regularly scheduled for Tuesday?"
"Well it's Teasday so Spike has to-"
"It's what?" Celestia remarks, her eyebrows shooting up.
Twilight immediately blushes and goes mute.
Celestia shoots Twilight an expectant smile.
Twilight complies and stammers out this; "Um.. E-e-every Tuesday, Spike and I ... combine all the leftover tea we had from the previous week in the same kettle... and we..." She deeply blushes as she whispers this next part; "... we call it Teasday."
Celestia allows herself a slump of the head and sighs in defeat. Well, that killed my buzz. Celestia thinks grimly.
The alicorn sighs in defeat. "Okay, you win universe. I'll wait until she's immortal." Twilight's ears twitch but she didn't quite catch that.
Somewhere in dreamland, Luna was laughing her ass off.
Celestia spreads her wings and takes off, leaving a flustered and embarrassed Twilight to her nervous musings.