A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

As Lyra continued to wrap around John legs, he desperately tried to free himself.

"Oh my god, I need to reach the safety of that cold cellar as soon as possible!"

"Uhm... Excuse me, but it turns out that at this late hour, I feel quite... tired. So, perhaps, it would be wise for us to rest..." proposed John, uneasy.

"But of course my dear", she softly murmured "I would be extremely pleased by such a thing...".

"Oh fuck, why did I say us...

"In fact, I do feel so extenuated that I must head for the lovely cellar that you kindly provided me with as soon as possible... alone."

At the hearing of this last word, Lyra's expression turned to disappointment. Se did however not abandon. "Oh, that's a bummer..." she said, sad "Perhaps I could follow you down there."

"Nope, you can't make me feel bad for her now. I know you won't stop there..."

"No."

"Oh, but you don't even know where it is..."

"... Good point..."

"I'm sure I'd be able to find it quite easily..."

"Yeah, because I've been extremely good at that since the beginning of this journey..."

"...if you... tell me... where it is. I really wouldn't want to bother you any further..."

"But it'd be a pleasure to go there with you."

"GOSH, I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE! JUST TELL ME WHERE IT FUCKING IS BEFORE I AWKWARDLY FLEE INTO THE FOREST AND AVOID ANY CONTACT WITH LIVING BEINGS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!"

Noticing John's discomfort, Lyra decided that perhaps letting him go for the moment was a better idea. "It's over there, behind that door..." she indicated sourly "I hope you enjoy the night..."

"YES, finally!... Wait, does this mean you decided to stop sexually harassing me? That'd be great."

After indicating the door however, Lyra decided to continue rubbing against him with increased intensity, thus preventing him from leaving the room.

John however, wasted no time. Now able to flee, he concentrated all his strength and resolve to free himself from her embrace, rushing towards the door that would lead him to the safety of the cellar.

Opening it to see countless series of steep and dark steps only brought joy to his soul. Entering, he quickly locked the door behind him and headed down.

"Finally! I'm finally free from your weird fantasies! I didn't come here to get sexually assaulted by a pony! Why are you even doing this?

"And then, you aren't even good at it! Just stop!

"I guess I'm still somewhat forced to at least travel to Canterlot with Lyra... I mean, now that she's aware I'm here, I can't just flee...

"Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't let me go..." lost in his thoughts, John arrived to the cellars actual interior. Here, behind another door, he discovered what would, tonight, serve as his bed.

"Ah, never have I been so happy to see a cold cellar...

"I'm still not extremely happy about it though... Ugh... At least here, I'm in safety.

"I mean, there are two doors between me and Lyra. I think it should be enough to stop her... I hope...

"Yuck! The smell here though... It really is horrible. Oh... and I see what mushrooms she was talking about... I wouldn't trust them...

"I can't believe I actually won't faint for once! It's like, literally the first time I'm willingly going to sleep since arriving to Equestria.

"Oh, when you think about it... I do start to feel strangely dizzy... Ugh and this horrible smell...

"No, I don't want to trip on some weird magical mushrooms! Still prefer that over getting fucked by a horse though...

"Oh my god... my head hurts so much... I think I'm going to faint... again...

"That's just stu..." muttered John, unable to finish his sentence as a mixture of narcoleptic mushrooms and extreme fatigue forced his tired brain to lose consciousness once more... Falling to the cold and wet ground, his skull harshly landed on the rock floor...

pid...

I should really stop falling asleep mid-sentence...

So, what do I have here today?

No tops. That's pretty good already... Ugh, my skull hurts though... That's not as good...

At least there isn't any narrator in my dreams... He can't torture me down here...

Wait, but if there's no narrator... Maybe I'm the narrator!

Let me try: And so John saw an... amazing... coffee table...

Well... that worked... Now I've got... a table... Cool.

...

Why is this dream so boring?

I mean, literally nothing's happening! I guess I could just narrate some random shit, but... I doubt I'm good at that...

Hmm... Maybe, I could think about my plan for tomorrow... That sounds like a good idea...

Ugh... I can't stand this Lyra anymore...

I guess I don't really have any other choice than just cope with it though... just need to hope I'll be able to...

...

Ugh... can't something happen? This is a fucking dream! Why is this place so empty? Even Luna isn't here...

Wait, did Luna just boycott my dreams? Like, did she prevent me from randomly dreaming of something?

And where is she? I mean, last time she seemed quite determined to get me... And now, she isn't even here!

...

Ugh... My head's starting to hurt really badly again... What, am I gonna faint in my dream?

Is this like in that Inception thing or something?

I mean, if there's anything more interesting there, I'd rather faint...

What?...

Oh, fuck, this dream sure does seem more interesting...

Why is Abraham Lincoln playing the Russian National Anthem on a Ukulele? And most importantly, how is he doing that?!

Why did that cat just turn into a can of beans?... that got eaten by Thanos... who immediately followed it with a dab... then snapped himself out of existence...

Is this 2019 Internet?

Has my brain been completely corrupted by modern pop culture?

And why the fuck did I just ask myself all these questions in this extremely unnatural way?

Oh... I think I'm falling asleep again... I hope the next dream's going to be a bit less... yeah...

Oh, that's not child-friendly!

I've already got enough of this in the waking world!

There's starting to be too many layers...

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a dream!

Please, let me go!

Ugh... this place even seems quite gloomy... It's like this pitch-black void...

No sound... nothing...

"H̶̵͓̫̲͍̱̻͖͎͈͛̍͗ͨ͊̉ͦ͑e̥̻ͭ̀̿̈́͊̈́͗̏́̕l̫̺̬̹̺͓ͪ̏͛̊̾p̿ͩ҉̡̻̺̪ ̫͔̱̓̈̊̈ͩ͗͜m̺̠ͨ͗̋̕ẻ̹͕̦̱̻̺̺̀͂̅̍̉̀͜.̷̱͉̪͎̤̲̿ͣ̈͒̀̚.͎̠̳̤̲̻̅̀̔̈͋̓̅ͭ.̷̹̱̗̼̲̼͉̯̦̄ͯ"

God, what was that?!

"H̢̨͍̼̦̩̆̐̈̄̀̿ͧ̋̎e̱̥̤̝̗̩͔̻̺ͧ͋͛͗̎ͧ͆̂l̶̗̣͉̩ͤ̆ͦ̓̌͆̾͐̚p̨̠̘͈̰͌ͮ͑̃ͤ̈́̌̏͢"

No... I'm not ready for this!

No, not again... I can't fall asleep now...

Ugh... I wonder what this thing in the shadows was...

Probably don't really want to know it though...

Can I wake up now! Can this thing cease! I think five layers of dreams is enough...

And what even is this place?...

... My house... Reality?...

Fuck, even the Ketchup's still here...

Wait, that's getting extremely over-dramatic! Bring back the memes or something!

I guess waking up's really going to be hard...

Wait, that's it, I woke up once!

Oh, that thing's here again...

"A̵̧̩̩̬͕͎͎̮͔̹͓̬͓͇͖̗̒ͦ̔̾ͮ͋̑a̡̨̲͉̮̝̹̻̋̿̇̇ͮ́͑͂̇̉̍̉̽ͣ̿̋̌̕͟ȁ̸̴̭̮̘̬̱͙̱̠͍͍̜̘̿͌ͪͤ̓̓͊̽̈̔̎ͧ̆̃̀̚a̧ͫ̿ͨ͗ͨͤ̄̏̓ͮ͗̚͏̩̫͓̟̖͔̩̤̝̼́͞a̵̛̫̗͔̻̱̘̖̻̳̤͎̤̭̯̝̩̲ͥ̾̒̒ͫ̽̆͒̉̚͡ͅą̫̘̤̞̼̝̩̼̘̍̉̄͒́̑͂ͪͥ̅̏ͯ̑͐́́́ͅͅa̷͖̹̮̫̣̗͎͎̼͕̟̯̹̥̗̺̩͚͐̈ͣͩ̎̏̊͗ͣͦ̀̒̓ͨͭ̏͟͟͡ā̵̴͕͍̲͓̲̖̬͎͖͒̌̌̈̿̔̇ͬͥ͋̓͗ͧ͋̂ͨͣ́̚ảͭ̽ͨ͆ͩ̃̋̄ͣ҉͜͡͏͏̗̱͕̤̫͍̝̤͙̠͍̩̥̣h̷͍̦̯̣͍̬̠͕͂͛̐̂ͮ̓͘!̃͛ͦͬ̽̄͑͆́̄ͫͧ҉̶̨̜̺̜̬̠̖"

Jesus Christ! If this doesn't make me wake up, I don't know what will!

AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Phew... I survived it...

...

Oh no, not this again!

Fuck, it's like getting up in the morning several times in a row... The added up dizziness is terrible!

Oh, and the shitty memes are back...

Can't wait to be woken up by some base-boosted bullshit...

Oh, god... This is loud!

Ah, here we are again...

I mean, here I go again, since this place is completely empty...

I guess since it's the last layer, I'll resort to the usual way and wake up in the middle of a wo...

"...rd" mumbled John as his dizzy thoughts slowly emerged from the deep slumber...

"God, this was an extremely strange dream... or dreams..."

"Wait... why do I feel something on my legs... Something furry..."

Snapping his eyes open, John quickly jerked his head to look what resided upon his feet. It was to his extreme shock that he discovered it was Lyra.

"Oh fuck, what are you doing here?!" he exclaimed, trying to free himself from under her body.

"Well, waiting for you to wake, of course." replied Lyra, starting to roll a bit closer to John himself.

"What did you do when I was sleeping?"

"Nothing, my dear..." she replied, her suggestive tone and gaze clearly indicating the contrary.

"OK, I would rather not think about that... For the moment..."

"So now, how do I not get fucked?...

"... Weird, usually I'm rather asking myself the opposite question..."

In the meantime, Lyra had crawled higher on John's legs and sat upon his lap, stirring slightly.

"So, how do I get rid of that?"

"Uhm... could you please move? And let me stand up?"

"Why would I? It's so good here..." she responded softly.

"Guess that didn't work."

"But I am so hungry!"

"I could help you with that..."

"..."

"This is getting gross... Could you stop?

...

"I guess not..."

Suddenly, a voice called out from upstairs "Hey Lyra, has our guest woken up yet?"

"Thank god!... or... I mean, thank narrator!"

Startled by this calling, Lyra got up, leaving John an opportunity to do the same.

"Finally, I'm free!"

"Uhm... Yes, we're coming!" replied Lyra, slightly embarrassed. Then, turning to John, she added "Don't worry, we'll get to that later..."

"And this is what makes me worried..."

Settling on that...

"Hey, fuck off! I didn't approve anything!

...but not completely, John followed Lyra up the dark staircase that had saved him last night.

"Did it really save me though?... I won't think about that..."

Arriving upstairs, he was met by a happy, but careful Bon Bon.

Inspecting him with her sight, she exclaimed "Ah, hello sir! I am delighted to hear that such a high guest has come to our humble home!" her voice cheerful and proud.

"Oh, fuck, I've completely forgotten I'm supposed to be this refined gentleman, or some other shitty lie I've made up yesterday... And now, I must talk with this horribly incomprehensible vocabulary..."

As John thought, Bon Bon seemed quite interested in his appearance "So that's what humans truly look like... very... unusual..." she stated.

Then, as she inspected him slightly more carefully, a particular detail caught her eye "Uhm... It's an... interesting choice to have sprinkled your clothes with mint fur..." she remarked eyeing Lyra somewhat quizzically.

"Wait, what?... Fuck, that's true...

"Still won't think about it though..."

The mint mare, troubled, decided to change the topic. "What if we... eat?" she proposed "Our guest must be very hungry and, we do have a long road afterward..."

"I guess it won't hurt..." agreed Bon Bon, though still looking at Lyra and John somewhat suspiciously.

Regardless, the three of them headed towards a small wooden table. As they sat down, John noticed the content of their current meal.

"Oh, right... They're horses... They eat grass...

"Fuck, I think even these weird things from the Rainbow Factory, that were probably made from ponies' blood and some gore shit, were better.

"I mean, at least it wasn't grass..."

Perceiving John's distress, Bon Bon immediately decided to investigate the subject "Is there something bothering you about your meal?"

"Well... in fact, us humans usually do not eat grass..."

"Unless it's without the first two letters...

"... Oh, fuck, why do I always come up with these terrible jokes..."

...

"See! That's what I've been telling you! Humans can't eat the same things as us..." exclaimed Lyra, following it discreet with a wink in John's direction.

"I don't want to know what this last gesture... was supposed to mean..."

She then added "I think I have something just for you..."

"Thanks narrator, now I don't trust her... And I'll stay hungry..."

"In actuality, I'd rather abstain from eating right now... I believe it would be better to stay light before the journey..."

"I don't know what you were going for, but don't... just don't..."

Once the meal was finished...

"Wait, what are you doing with your sneaky time skip here? I never told you to do that!

"Are you bad at writing dialogue with more than one person in it or something?

"Well, that wouldn't be a problem. I mean, don't you want to enjoy the awkward lack of conversations due to my complete absence of social skills with me?

"OK then... do your time skip if you want... just know that... I ain't happy about it!"

...the awkward silence was at last broken by the sound of sliding chairs. As the few things necessary to the trip were either already packed or nonexistent, the last preparations didn't take too long. It was time for departure.

"Great! Because, you know, sitting at a table with two ponies, unable to hide your social awkwardness by eating or using a Smartphone and constantly fearing to be sexually assaulted wasn't the best experience...

"Now that you think about it, that last part isn't over yet... shit..."

As the two of them stood before the entrance door, John eyed Lyra with worry.

"Of course I'm worried, you sick fuck, and it's thanks to you!"

Returning John's intense look but with a rather different meaning, Lyra said "Well, since yesterday, you told me that you don't want to be seen, I've spent all night working on an invisibility spell."

"That's good... Although, there probably are some other uses to it I'm not thinking about..."

"However, the range of it is still quite small, so... I guess there is no other choice than staying tight."

"Well, that's definitely one of them..."

Giving Bon Bon a quick glimpse, John watched Lyra's horn sparkle to light. Strange ethereal tendrils emanated from it, widening and offering a distorted view of reality to whoever watched their unnatural surface. In a second, they formed a dome around the mare. Their transcendent texture shifted slightly, then came to a stop, completely concealing what stood behind.

"Wow! That looks pretty cool!... Where's Lyra though?...

All of a sudden, a mint hoof popped into reality just before his eyes, grabbing him by the torso and pulling into the invisibility field.

"Ugh, that's weird, I can't even see myself..."

Suddenly, the grip upon his body became stronger. He felt Lyra pull again, as she brought his cheek in contact with hers. "This should be enough..." she whispered sweetly.

"... I'm fucked... literally... Well, not yet, but ugh...

"Let's just hope Ponyville isn't too big of a town and I won't need to stand this for too long then...

"So, could we... start walking? Please..." implored John, his face still squeezed and in contact with Lyra's.

"Of course..." she whispered, then, addressing Bon Bon, added "Bye! See you soon!" in a completely different tone.

The latter, unable to see through the spell, could only respond with a rather similar "Goodbye!"

Telepathically grabbing the handle, Lyra opened the entrance door and started slowly walking towards one of Ponyville's ends, the human tightly stuck in her embrace.

"Fuck, being unable to see her is even worse! And, this position's extremely uncomfortable..."

Noticing John's attempts to free himself, Lyra's hold became firmer. "Don't shuffle... You wouldn't want somepony to hear us, would you?" she murmured, her lips almost touching his ear.

"Or would I?

"Oh my god... I'm starting to fear that I won't even be able to escape at this point..."

"Ugh... This is just terrifying... I mean, have you ever tried reading something at least mildly romantic before?

"Hmm... I guess not actually, since you're a narrator... Well, this is not how to do it!

"Ugh, and seeing all these ponies walking freely... Living normal lives when I'm stuck with that...

"At least I can't say it isn't interesting... I guess that's thanks to you, narrator..."

As John uselessly complained about his life, they had slowly but steadily arrived next to the town's end.

"Finally, I'll be able to at least walk normally again!... I hope..."

This is when he suddenly felt warm breath upon his neck. In an instant, soft lips touched his skin as Lyra planted a romantic kiss upon his shoulder.

"You fucking idiot, that's not fucking romantic! I'm literally held captive right now, you can't say it's romantic! And then it's still overwhelmingly unnatural!

"I mean, for the moment, you've only been doing a good job at making me feel extremely uncomfortable and scared. I must say you're pretty good at that, but ugh... these aren't the best sensations!"

The last of Ponyville's houses were now behind them, the cover could almost be broken.

"Stop teasing me! It's almost like you're doing... a buildup... And a long one... Fuck, this won't finish well..."

It wasn't long before John finally felt the grip around his face weaken, leaving him the possibility to move. Almost immediately, he jumped to the side, exiting the invisibility field.

"Wait, where is she? I can't see her! She's still invisible!... That's not good..."

As John looked around, scanning the nearby floor in search of Lyra, something violently bumped into him, making him fall straight to the ground.

"Fuck!" he exclaimed of surprise.

Lying upon the grass, John felt an invisible mass resting upon him. As soft fur touched his skin, Lyra's voice whispered "As you command, master..."

"...

"NARRATOR! YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO SAVE ME! HIT ME WITH THIS DEUS EX MACHINA! PLEASE, I DON'T WANT... IT TO HAPPEN!..."

...

"Please!..."

All of a sudden,...

"Oh, thanks man, you're my savior!... And tormentor..."

...John heard a familiar shout.

"STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM! NOBODY BREAKS THE LAW ON MY WATCH!"

"Oh..."

"I CAN SEE YOU RIGHT THERE, USING THE INVISIBILITY SPELL... Or I mean I can't, but... THAT'S ILLEGAL!"

In the blink of an eye two pegasi guards flew towards them and lifted the —still invisible— Lyra off a terrified John.

Noticing the latter, the guard captain's expression changed. "Well, hello again good sir!" he exclaimed "How is your tourism doing? Enjoying the country, I see."

Confused, John couldn't really argue against "Yes... absolutely! What a lovely town this is!"

"Well, won't bother you any further" continued the guard "I still need to take care of that CRIMINAL SCUM! Uh, sorry... Bye, have a good day, sir!"

Too perplexed by this whole situation, a simple "Goodbye..." was really the only response John could master at the moment...