A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

As he saw the armed guards go away, taking a protesting Lyra with them, a single thought came to John's mind:

"Did I just got fucking saved by the most incompetent organization in the entirety of the universe?!

"How?!

"I mean, I did ask for a Deus Ex Machina, but isn't this, like, a bit too ridiculous?

"I can accept giant creatures randomly popping out of nowhere, characters acting in a way they have no reason to... heck, even if Cthulhu ripped a hole in reality just before my eyes, snatching Lyra and leaving my psyche permanently scarred by his eldritch appearance, I wouldn't be as shocked as here...

"Like, the Royal Guard actually did something! And it was pretty useful even! I mean, they were probably supposed to be capturing me at the moment, but their actions still had an impact on something that exists!

"I think this should become a national holiday... No, an interdimensional holiday! Like, It should be celebrated in all the alternative universes, because this is just completely amazing!

"OK, so... was this enough of an overreaction? Huh, I guess I could have done better... but we'll settle on this...

"Then, now that Lyra's no longer here and that I spent way too much time talking about something extremely insignificant, what's the plan?" wondered John, quizzically frowning at the ambient air.

"Really though... I wasn't looking for Lyra for nothing...

"I mean, the plan was to get some help from her in getting to Canterlot, but... that doesn't seem to be a possibility right now...

"I guess I'll just need to walk..." accepting his cruel destiny, John turned towards what vaguely looked like a forest in the distance and headed towards it, a determined look upon his face.

"What? Wasn't I supposed to be going into some kind of forest in order to get to Canterlot? I mean, that's pretty much the only indication I have right now!

"Anyway, I better start walking before somepony notices me. And I'll just go there... Unless you clearly state it isn't a good idea of course...

"So, could you confirm my choice of direction please?" asked John, dubiously eyeing the air again. The latter seemed to agree.

"Well, thanks the air then, I guess! You know, he's really a nice... mixture of gases?... Unlike you, narrator!

"So... Its time for the long and boring walk again I suppose..." sighed John, slowly dragging his foot onward in the direction of the small group of trees he had identified earlier.

"Ugh... and this time, it won't be a short one...

"Fuck, how far Canterlot even is? Like, don't they need several days of train in order to get there, in the show?

"It's going to take me months by foot! Unless some plot magic makes spacetime shorter and lets me get there in less than a day or something...

"Wouldn't that be lovely?"

...

"Two days, maybe?"

...

"Three? I don't know, it's hard to haggle when the one you're dealing with is an almighty godlike being that can only communicate through third person description..."

...

"I'm really starting to feel like I'm talking to myself right now... Well, I guess, the best way to know how long it will take is to keep walking..." he grumbled, seeing the trees approach ever so slowly. The mighty Sun shining bright, high in the sky, the slight chill of their refreshing shadows seemed quite inviting.

"Are you trying to lure me into these trees or something? Well... it works since it's really starting to get hot...

"I'm not very confident in this though...

"Well... I guess the worst is already behind me... I mean, the Elements don't seem interested in shooting me for the moment and Lyra probably won't be near me anytime soon... I hope at least...

"Like, whatever you put in this small forest can't be too bad!" nearing the first trees, John carefully inspected their bark and branches, in search of any monstrous features.

"Anyway, I wouldn't want another philosophy lecture, better stay alert..." advancing through this woodland, John noticed the significant difference between the local vegetation and that of the Everfree Forest.

"Yeah, like, there isn't even any spike and poisonous vines! That's really... good... Getting constantly stabbed in the legs wasn't the best experience..."

Looking around and pondering on the place's relative hospitality, John slowly arrived at what looked like a small clearing. Here, the grass was even greener and lots of tiny flowers scattered the ground.

"Well, that's pretty cool, but I don't really give a fuck about your flowers. Just get on with your epic monster encounter or something, already!" he exclaimed, scanning the open area in search of any possible threat. And indeed, there it was.

In the corner of this lovely clearing sat a lone and mysterious figure.

"Wowee, what a suspenseful and cool encounter! I really wonder what random character it will be this time!"

"At last, I meet you in person, vile creature!" uttered Luna as she jumped in the middle of the clearing, spreading her wings and revealing a full set of Royal Armor.

"Well... that's unexpected... and not good..." mumbled John, distraught and surprised.

As he slowly backed away, the Lunar Princess charged up a spell and cast it right at him in mere seconds. Almost failing to Dodge it, John jumped to the side, seeing the blast burn a hole in an adjacent tree.

"OK, this looks like it's going to be a real fight... The only problem here, is that I can't really fight back... And I don't wanna die..."

Noticing Luna charge another blast, he braced himself, for a lunge. Which he successfully executed, avoiding the magical beam somewhat aptly.

"I can't keep dodging like this forever... I need to come up with some actual way to attack..." he grumbled, scratching the back of his head, then triumphantly exclaimed "Oh, I think I might have an idea!"

"Your defeat is near, thief! Prepare to face the true wrath of a Royal Princess!"

"I guess I need to bring my plan into action real fast then..."

As Luna's face contorted into a furious frown, she enveloped herself into a bright thaumatic aura, sparks of purple and blue lightning striking the nearing ground. Meanwhile, John just summoned up his all of his courage and rushed right towards her. Trying to interrupt the Princess before she unleashed her attack, he ran as fast as he could master. At last, as the ground started to melt under Luna's hooves, John reached his goal. Approaching her at peak velocity, he held out his arm, poking her nose.

"Boop!"

Extremely confused, Luna interrupted the spell she was casting. The glow ceased, the lightnings disappeared, even her face changed to an expression of utter disorientation.

In the meanwhile, John, glad that his plan worked and overall happy to still be alive, bolted off into the forest as fast as he could, leaving the stunned mare to her confusion.

"This is definitely going into my Top Ten Anime Fights list. I mean, just look at how epic it was!

"Thanks man! For once, I'm happy you narrated this sequence!

"Now, I just need to hope the Boop leaves me enough time to escape...

"Phew... I knew it would have worked, but still... this spell was looking pretty scary..."

As he continued sprinting, a roar of despair and disappointment resounded far behind him, encouraging him to run faster.

"All I know is that I ain't sleeping anytime soon... Wouldn't want to get caught by her now...

"Huh, at least this is going to give me a boost in progression towards Canterlot... Never thought I could run this fast!

"Can't say it's a boring walk anymore..."

All of a sudden, he noticed a looming shadow on the ground just next to him. It was approaching.

"Fuck, didn't run fast enough..." taking a sharp turn, he continued scuttling with the last of his strength.

"HOW DURST THOU BOOP A ROYAL PRINCESS?! THY PUNISHMENT SHALT LARGELY SURPASS EVEN THE SUFFERING BROUGHT UPON TIREK BY THE FLAMES OF TARTARUS!"

"So that's how I die...

"Wait, In the show, the flames of Tartarus Tirek's facing don't really seem that bad though... But then, she seems quite determined in making me suffer something way worse...

"... Fuck, I almost forgot. I'm the main character, I can't die!" he exclaimed, fear turning to determination. Suddenly, an explosion of blue light and melting dirt only centimeters away made him reconsider this statement.

"Or maybe I can... Won't be testing it right now though!" mumbled John, forcefully stopping and rushing into the opposite direction.

"I don't think I'll be able to go on much longer if I continue like this. Maybe I should stop and duck under a tree or something?

"I don't know, maybe her vision is based on movement. Anyway, hiding takes less effort than running!" taking this decision, he looked around in search of a shelter.

Failing to find one however, it was the forest itself that forced him to stop. Stumbling on a large fallen branch, he fell to the ground face first.

"Fuck, not gain..." he grumbled, rolling to the side as fast as he could to avoid any potential attacks.

However, instead of a fiery blast of arcanic flames or a strike of obliterating lightening, what he heard was another annoyed yell.

"Sneaky vermin! It seems your agility matches your Booping skills! But do not take this victory as granted! It is nothing but a mere setback! You might have escaped my Royal rage today, but know that thy defeat is only a matter of time!"

Looking up, he saw Luna's menacing figure fiercely fly away, her Royal Armor shining brightly in the diurnal light.

"Well... fuck, this was a close one... But again, you didn't want me to die, did you?

"I mean, why else would you have let me flee so easily...

"Fucking asshole! You just wanted to scare me, didn't you? Yeah, right... Well, you could have done it without bringing me so close to a cardiac arrest!

"This was so stupid... Go eat a pineapple with hot sauce, you prick!... I can't believe you tried murdering me again...

"Actually, this isn't anything out of the ordinary... I really wish it was though..."