A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Exiting the house, John felt slightly guilty as he left its suffering inhabitant behind.

"No, I don't... My fucks are precious and thus, they should not be given out lightly. So, no.

"And then, you are the one who should feel bad, it's not my fault you decided that ascending some random dude to Alicornhood was a good idea!

"I guess you superior fuck are too distinguished to care abut us mortals!" said the ungrateful human who had completely forgotten about all the times this godly being saved his life.

"Anyway, I've got a Lyra to find and your shitty attempts at making me feel bad won't stop me from doing what I'm here for.

"So, now just shut up and let me think in peace for a moment..."

...

"OK, so, how the fuck am I supposed to find a specific house in a town where pretty much everything looks the same... Or at least not different enough for me to differentiate it?

"I mean, I could always just look into each window and... Wait, that's extremely creepy... I don't want to do that.

"Like, if I was a sentient cartoon horse, just peacefully sleeping in my bed. And then, like, hearing weird noise outside, watching through the window and seeing an unknown bipedal creature awkwardly staring at me with glowing eyes and shit... That'd be just terrifying...

"I wonder how that last guy didn't freak out...

As he talked, John didn't really pay attention to where he was heading. Thus, as he continued his reflections, he did not remark to the window slowly approaching his face with each step.

"Wait... Wha..." he yelped as the glass finally reached him, the collision producing a lot of noise from the different jewels colliding with it.

"Oh, fuck... I better get out of here before someone wakes up..." he groaned, rubbing his nose and forehead.

However, it was a bit too late. Inside the building, rapid hoofsteps could be heard, heading towards the door. A second later, the latter opened with a slight creak, the pony coming to see what caused all this havoc.

"Jeez, how did I actually manage to bump into a wall? Like, I'm not that stupid... and blind!" exclaimed John, erroneously.

"Hey!...Uh, you know what, I don't feel insulted... I... I don't even know what this long word you used means!"

As John was deep in his thoughts once again, the one exiting the house finally reached its corner. Peaking behind it, what met their eyes was a strange bipedal creature with glowing eyes that talked and screamed some incomprehensible sentences.

It seemed "AAAAAAAAAAAH!" was the most appropriate reaction to the situation at hoof.

"Quite appropriate indeed...

"Though could you please stop using what I say as basis for further plot? I mean, I know I'm a very inspiring figure, but that's just stupid...

"... Wait, didn't that pony that just ran away screaming look like Lyra?

"I guess I'm back to the land of plot convenience again (not that I really ever left it anyway). You were running out of shitty ways to torture me without moving that plot along I see... Not that I'm complaining though, at least now I can have some hope to actually achieve my goal at some point...

"Well, enough talking —or rather enough criticizing the narrator— it's time to actually meet Lyra this time!" resolute, John headed towards where the frightened mare ran off. Weary not to stumble on a rock or run into a wall, he carefully...

"You know I'm acting like that because of you, right? So now, don't you dare make it sound stupid!"

...but confidently approached the house's still open door.

"Ugh I don't like this... I mean, this is technically trespassing... Uh, I guess at least it's for a good cause... yeah, destroying the world. Great cause..."

Suddenly, a blinding light met the dilated pupils of John's eyes, dazzling him slightly and forcing him to wince.

"No, don't attack me with a flashlight! That ain't nice!"

"S-stand back! W-what creature are you?"

"Ugh, no, not again... Another person asking me what am I... It's just getting repetitive at this point... I mean, I guess I can't really dodge the question this time..."

"W-wait... your form seems kinda familiar... Aren't you a human?"

"Wonderful, that's one less detail to explain..."

"A real human... But, THAT'S AMAZING!" exclaimed the mare, eyeing John with extreme awe.

"Oh, fuck, that's the kind of reaction I was afraid of... I hope it doesn't last..."

"An actual human in my house! Sweat Celestia, I can't believe this!" she continued, starting to quickly pace before John.

"OK, it doesn't seem about to stop... I'm really getting worried..."

"I have so many things to experiment and measure and..."

"Shit, it's really getting out of hand..."

"What's happening here?" mumbled a tired voice from somewhere to the side.

Quickly putting off her lighting spell Lyra responded, slightly troubled "Uh... nothing Bon Bon... I'm just... uhm... No nothing... Go to sleep, I just got overexcited."

"OK, then just please be a bit quieter... See you later." too tired to think properly, Bon Bon exited the room by the same door she just entered, leaving John alone with Lyra once more.

"OK, that's my chance to speak!"

"Uhm, before you restart your overexcited rambling again, I must tell you that I'm here because I need you for something."

"So, a human needs my help? That's just the best day of my life!"

"Fuck I may have caused something even worse..."

"Oh, I shouldn't scream though."

"That's already better."

"So, what would bring a human into my home?... And... Wait, aren't these the Elements of Harmony you're wearing? Are you an envoy of the gods, perhaps of the royal sisters, or something even higher?"

"Well, not exactly... Or perhaps, this is my chance to come up with a somewhat coherent lie... It's worth a shot."

"Indeed!... And I am very pleased to meet the citizens of this lovely village! In fact, I was about to ask your assistance in traveling towards Canterlot." announced, John taking his most convincing tone, but sounding fake nonetheless.

"Amazing, but why would such a high honor fall to me, isn't somepony like... the mayor more qualified?... And why in the middle of the night?"

"Fuck, she's almost as good as me at finding shitty incoherence... I need to invent something new now..."

"Uhm... Well... I have heard many tales about your expertise in matters concerning the human kind. So, it is only natural that I seek your help before any other. And as for the late time of my visit... uhm... I'm a close associate of the Princess of the Night and thus, our working hours often coincide..."

"What did I think when starting to talk with this shitty complex vocabulary, I can't stand doing it for much longer... Uhm... Maybe, you could help me with that, could you, narrator?" wondered John, his reflection acutely discombobulated by the altitudinous multiplicity of the prevailing circumstances.

"Thanks... Now I'd only like to know what the fuck any of this meant..." wished John, his thoughts highly troubled by the grand complexity of the current events.

"Oh... I get it..."

In the meantime, Lyra still didn't seem completely satisfied by John's explanations. "But, why wouldn't you simply take the train or call a royal escort since you seem to be of such a high status?"

"Stop! It's my job to point out plot convenience! And why do you need to do it in my story... Isn't this world magical enough?"

But despite his annoyance, John still needed to answer. "Well... uhm... it is a little known fact, but it turns out human organisms are... acutely discombobulated... by the..." he declared, searching for words. The avail of this convoluted vocabulary disheartening him to the highest point. "... the avail of wheeled vehicles. This is, the reason I am currently obligated to travel by foot. Also, in the current times, it turns out the Royal Guard is extremely occupied, so competent escorts are hard to find."

"Phew... I think I'm starting to spiral down the path of completely incomprehensibility... Thanks mate, I wouldn't have been able to do it without you. Oh, fuck, it's not the end yet..."

"Uhm... interesting... my research tended to point towards the complete opposite... I guess I just made a mistake, I mean, why would you lie to me?

"And... ah... no... it's not important... I won't bother you with any more questions. I mean, seeing a human was my greatest dream ever! And now, I have the chance to help one! I don't even know why am I so picky..."

"Yes, why are you?!"

"So, perhaps we should... Erm..." John hesitated, trying to constitute the fancy sentence in his mind "... constitute a plan of actions for the travel, don't you think?"

"Well, of course."

"I think It's time to demonstrate my sketching skills. thought John taking the crumbled piece of paper and pencil of his pocket.

"Uhm... don't mind the inscriptions on the other side of it. They are nothing but worthless scribbles." he quickly added remembering the things already written here, and flipping it upside down.

"So, I was thinking of something like this: after exiting Ponyville it is only logical that we head… South...?" he guessed, incorrectly. Picking the opposite direction from the one he wanted.

"I guess we'll need to work with going South then..."

"Wow, you humans are truly amazing at drawing! Never have I seen something so great done in such little time!"

"Well, I know that I'm awesome, but do you perhaps have another route in mind? Oh, and it would be preferable that... we don't encounter any other... ponies. My mission is quite secret and I wouldn't want to be disturbed."

"Well, far from me the idea to question any of your skills, but perhaps going through the Whitetail Woods, over here, would be wiser. Indeed, there, in addition to the lack of ponies, the path seems… slightly shorter…"

"Uhm… Maybe you're right, we'll go through the woods then… See, I wasn't mistaken to take you as a guide! "

"Oh, thank you, good sir…" she replied, slightly blushing.

"NO, narrator, you will not ship me with anypony! I am a free individual and have better matters to attend than fucking horses! And this was badly written and a complete overreaction! So, stop right there or I'll just flee into the forest again and get attacked by some trees! At least you can't ship me with them!... Or can you?"

"So, I think that's it for the moment… I guess, I won't rob you of any more of your sleep."

"Oh… OK… So, do you plan on staying here for the night?" she asked, hopeful.

"Stop it with the shipping, I said!"

"Uhm… I doubt there really is any other choice, but perhaps I could sleep outside if it's too much trouble…"

"I mean, that's what I did for the last few days so… it doesn't really bother me at this point. I won't probably need to do it this time, though."

"Oh, but we aren't this cruel! I think we still have a cold and wet cellar with some weird mushrooms in it that you might use as a bedroom."

"Well, this was unexpected… At least it's not outside. Is it really better though?"

"Oh, I get it, you stopped the shipping… Thanks you very much, narrator…"

"That's the best I could hope for! It is truly nice of you to let me stay for the night. So, we can depart tomorrow, right?"

Thoughtful, Lyra wasn't as sure of that "Uhm, I was rather thinking of something like, in three weeks, I have…"

"OK, I take my words back, it was better with the shipping. Do whatever you want just please don't let me stay, waiting in a wet cellar, for three weeks!"

Suddenly, Lyra's attitude seemed to change "… Or perhaps…" she whispered, slowly approaching John "we could do it right now…" rubbing herself against his legs she added "I'd be delighted to spend some time with you… alone…"

"Oh, shit, why did I say that… I just literally told the narrator to do whatever he wants…

"Couldn't you at least make it a bit less intense?" John implored in his thoughts. However, the only response that came was the memory of a certain, weirdly meaningful, cloud formation he had seen earlier on his journey…

"Fuck, what have I gotten myself into…"