A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

As John observed Luna slowly fly off into the distance, his thoughts came back to their normal state of unceasing complaining.

"Hey, shut up! I don't complain that much! And... even when I do, it's always completely justified!" he lied.

"Don't you dare saying that! Or else, I'm gonna... I'm gonna do... nothing at all... because you're an almighty being I can't even see..." he grumbled, defeated.

"Stop it! Like, mate, you can't just complain about the fact I'm complaining too much, that's hypocritical!

"Anyway, I better start walking again, because complaining might be an extremely important thing to do, but getting to Canterlot is even more so." accepting his defeat in the nonexistent debate, John got up from the forest floor and slowly started waddling in a random direction.

"Ah, whatever, I don't give a fuck about your debates! My discussions with myself are much more interesting!

"For instance, where am I again? Oh, right, It's that other Equestrian forest that isn't the Everfree... One of these extremely useless places...

"Like, in the series there are about three places where things happen and this isn't one of them...

"I guess creating a fantasy world is hard... who would have thought that...

"But then, since there's nothing here I'm guessing you won't let the chance slip... I mean, you're obviously going to put some of your non-cannon bullshit in here!

"Let me guess... some other talking trees? Timberwolves? A Manticore? A self-service Mc Donald's with a drive-in?

"Won't mind the last one though..." muttered John, scanning the surrounding forest in search of a fast-food restaurant but finding nothing but more trees.

"Well... that's lame... where am I gonna eat then? Like, that grass wasn't enough... and I didn't even eat it in the first place so... I'm kinda starving..."

As he continued to walk though, it seemed there was indeed something other than trees in this forest...

"Let's hope it ain't something able to kill me...

"I mean, Mc Donald's is something able to kill me... but... I won't mind it that much right now...

...

"Yes narrator, I'll continue insisting on my shitty idea! You can't stop me from it!

"Wait, I think I can see the thing you were talking about and...

"Oh...

"Excuse me, what the fuck?!

"Like, really? It's even more stupid than a Mc Donald's at this point... A Starbucks, here? Or rather a Star Bucks... Wow, magnificent pun...

"Do you realize I was joking when talking about the Mc Donald's?" exclaimed the ungrateful human.

"Ugh... I guess it isn't something I won't mind though... Yeah... You win." he conceded, heading towards the building's door.

"Wait... This does kinda look like a trap though... but at the same time, it's just a Starbucks, what's the worst that could happen?"

After this quick instant of hesitation, John opened the door and discovered the ziggurat's interior.

"Wait, what the fuck is a ziggurat? What is this place?"

...the building's interior.

"Oh... Right... It's just one of your fancy-ass synonyms... Maybe the fanciness was a bit excessive this time..." sighed John, proceeding to walk inside with relief.

Here he saw exactly what he expected —except for the fact he didn't expect to see such an area here in the first place of course...

"Yeah, I was rather hoping for a Mc Donald's..."

...In a small room, almost perfectly reminiscent of the coffeehouses he remembered, was completely normal furniture. Some chairs, some tables...

"Yeah, I get it... Shut up with your boring description!

"Hmm... the place seems quite empty though..." though John, as he scanned the desert restaurant "I guess it makes sense since I'm in the middle of the forest though..."

The only living being he could see in this strangely normal place was the barista.

"Great! At least I'll be able to eat in peace!"

"H-Hello?" he called out, approaching the counter.

Almost instantly, the blandest and most monotone, almost lifeless, response returned to John's ears "Hello sir, what can I get you?"

Jerking his head, he noticed the pony behind the counter. There, sat a motionless unicorn stallion. His attention was completely absorbed by, what could only be identified as a smartphone. Indeed, holding the latter in his magic, he seemed to sometimes be tapping the screen with one of his hooves.

"Wait, a fucking smartphone? What?

"WE'RE IN THE WORLD OF PONIES YOU, IDIOT! IT'S A FANTASY WORLD, WHY THE FUCK WOULD SMARTPHONES EXIST?!" he uttered, internally.

"Oh... wait... Actually, they do have headphones and some other pretty technically advanced shit so...

"Hmm... OK, I might accept the fact there are smartphones in Equestria, however, there is no way you can convince me there can be the slightest hint of Internet connection in the middle of this random-ass forest!"

Interrupting John's internal argument, the pony at the counter spoke again "Sir? Could you choose quicker please, you're making the other customers wait."

Turning his head, John inspected his surroundings in search of the latter, but didn't see anything more than before. Though confused, he decided that ignoring this fact was the best thing to do right now.

"Can I have something to eat?" he asked, too baffled to come up with anything preciser.

The response came with the same reactivity and monotony as before "Of course sir. What do you have in mind sir?"

"Ugh, I don't give a fuck.

"Food" he responded automatically.

Tapping something on his phone's screen the pony spoke once more "Well, actually sir, I fear we do not have what you are asking for. Indeed sir, I think all of our food has sadly sold out."

"What?"

Even more confused than before, John now needed to know what was happening here "To whom? We're in the middle of the fucking forest! There is no way someone ever comes to this place!"

"Of course I'm trying to understand, you idiot! And then, you're the narrator, you should tell me what's the deal instead of teasing me like this!"

Never taking his attention away from his phone, the pony responded, the slightest hint of disagreement now finding its way in his monotonous voice "Well sir, I might argue that your presence here invalidates your point sir, but if this whole situation is really bothering you sir, I may ask you whether you would like to see our manager."

"Are you really trying to starve me in a Starbucks? Like, that's just stupid and... stupid. Too hungry to come up with a better adjective to describe the situation..."

Slightly desperate, John agreed "Please do call him. There must be something I'm not getting about this place."

"Of course sir, I'm calling him immediately." retorted to pony. Slightly turning around and never leaving his phone's screen out of his sight, he stood up and went through a door with the sign employees only upon it. Seconds later, the same exact pony came back from it.

"Hello sir, I'm the manager, how can I help you?" he quizzed with the same exact tone, his phone still held in his magic.

Meanwhile, John's confusion only grew.

"Fucking asshole! I know you're just making fun of me!"

"I'm not that stupid" he exclaimed in annoyance "I know you're the same exact guy as before!"

"Excuse me for my partner's extreme incompetence." apologized the manager, not baffled in the slightest "So, what was bothering you?"

"Ugh, I'll stop trying to understand this place..."

"Can I have anything to eat?" pleaded John, completely desperate at this point.

The response he got was however not what he was hoping for "Well sir, we do serve coffee."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

"To eat." he grumbled.

The barista, who had now come back to his place and sat in the same position as before, responded without hesitation and emotion "Sir, far from me the idea to question your tastes. If you, sir, appreciate eating coffee, I am in no way about to judge your actions."

"OK then, give me some coffee..." conceded a tired and hungry John, giving in to his destiny.

"For fuck’s sake, why can't I just eat some actual food here?! It's almost like finding food in the middle of the Everfree Forest was easier than finding something here."

Suddenly, the pony's emotionless voice interrupted John's thoughts once more "Uhm... excuse me sir, but it just occurred to me that we do not have any coffee left. Indeed sir, it happens that all of our stock sold out."

"Then, what do you have?"

"Uhm, I fear sir, that we have ran into extreme supply issues due to the very impressive amount of customers that visited us today. Thus sir, I must inform you that this establishment is, in fact, closing immediately. So sir, I must invite you to leave as soon as you have finished your meal. Thank you for your understanding sir."

"What meal? I didn't get anything!"

"Christ, this was the stupidest and most annoying thing that ever happened to me!"

Overwhelmingly upset, John headed towards the door and left the Star Bucks behind. Then, sinking into the forest once more, he started scanning the area for anything edible.

"Oh, god, why is everything you come up with either deadly or annoying? Can't you just create something pleasing for me to enjoy?...

"And don't you even think about what you did to Lyra!" John yelled, angrily stomping the ground on each step.

"Ugh... I hope there are some berries in this forest...

"At least, if there are, they shouldn't be poisonous... I hope...

"Oh here they are!" he exclaimed, rushing towards what resembled a blueberry bush.

"Wait, the fact you make them pop into existence right after I say that is quite suspicious... Probably shouldn't eat these...

"But I will anyway!

"Fuck it! My stomach won't survive anymore emptiness. To survive, I need to eat.

"No one will get this reference... No one, because I'm alone in the forest."

Ceasing his self dialogue, John lunged towards the berries and started consuming them at a peak velocity.

"Nom... That's a... Nom... fancy-ass way of... Nom... saying... Nom... I'm eating... Nom... fast..."

Once the eating was finished, John felt much better.

"Of course I do! Oh, fuck, I might want to go back to this Star Bucks for a coffee now... if only they still had some..."

Sitting in the grass, he looked at the neighboring trees with a quizzical frown "Where should I go no?" he wondered.

"I mean, to Canterlot, obviously. But in which direction?

"Wait, no fuck it, I'm not starting this whole where should I go thing again. It's getting boring as fuck at this point."

All of a sudden, as he continued to scan the peaceful trees, a splash of unnatural color caught his eye. Behind one of the trees, somewhere in the distance, a tuft of mint fur came to his sight. Then, it disappeared.

"Oh my god, not this again. I better run." mumbled John, jumping to his feet.

And run he did. Never, not even when escaping Luna's Royal wrath, did John reach such speed. Jumping over roots and ravines, ducking under low-hanging branches, slaloming between trees... There was nothing stopping him. It was only once exhaustion reached his brain through the thick barrier of adrenaline that John dropped, satisfied with the distance he had put between himself and the mint mare.

"No... You aren't getting me this time..." he muttered catching his breath.

"OK, so, this whole running was fun and all, but did it actually help me progress?" he wondered, looking around.

"Oh... well, it seems it did..."

Indeed, in front of John, behind the branches of the forest's trees the magnificent Mount Canterhorn stood in all its beauty. Upon its cliffs, high up in the air...

"Yeah, we get it, it's fucking Canterlot!"