"So… Thanks to you, Plot-boy, I'm already here…

"Like, I get than I ran quite a lot, but even then, you can't convince me that it justifies managing to go all the way to here faster than by train!

"I'm not faster than a fucking train! That doesn't make any gotdamn sense!

"Anyway, complaining any further would make me a hypocrite because illogical as it is, this shortcut still saves me quite a lot of time and effort.

"And then, I even asked for it so… Thanks, I guess…"

Ceasing his pointless complaints, John turned his gaze towards the newly-spotted Mount Canterhorn.

"Well, I guess I still need to somehow get up there. And furtively, if possible.

"Huh, according to what I managed to do at Zecora's hut, discretion probably isn't my greatest skill.

"I guess I'll just need to rely on my luck… and the narrator.

"Let's find a road then I guess." exclaimed John, starting to waddle in the city's direction while carefully examining the surroundings in search of a road.

When the latter was found, he wasted no time, heading towards it.

"Yeah, can't bother trying to avoid social contact that much anymore. I mean, in addition to it not working it seems the things I encounter while trying to do so are somehow even worse than people.

"Huh, didn't think that was possible…" he mused engaging on the clean path towards the capital of Equinity.

However, as he was no longer avoiding social contact, the latter wasn't incline to avoiding him either.

"Wait, what?

"Again, that's a fancy-ass way of saying that there is someone else on this road…

"Oh, and I never said I'll stop avoiding social contact, I just said I'd put slightly less effort into it!" he exclaimed, turning around and noticing a small platoon of Royal Guards walking slowly in his direction.

"Oh, that ain't good… If these guards are just slightly less stupid then the last ones, the encounter might not be so peaceful…" muttered John, worried. He looked around once more, this time in search of cover. As he found none however, he noticed two of the pegasy guards taking off and starting to fly in his direction.

"Fuck. Well, I'll just stay here and see how it goes…"

Surrendering to his faith, John saw the two guards quickly catch up until as one of them suddenly exclaimed "Oh, hello Mr Tourist! It seems you decided to visit the glorious Capital of Ponykind! Wise choice!"

"Oh, it's these guys… Is it really better though?"

"Oh yes!" responded John, fake enthusiasm filling his voice nonetheless "I've heard wonders about this city! It was only my duty to visit it on my trip!"

This news seemed to rejoice the captain to the highest point "Since we were also heading there, perhaps we could give you a tour." he proposed.

"Or maybe not?"

"Wait, now that I think about it, this may not be so bad…"

"But I would be delighted!" responded John, the enthusiasm in his voice slightly less fake this time.

"Great! I'll alert the whole squad. I'm sure they will be as excited as I am to present you our glorious capital!" exclaimed the captain, returning to the other Guards who had nearly caught up.

"Sure…"

"Well, at least with these guys I won't be arrested or something. I might even look less suspicious."

Now surrounded by the guards, John continued his walk towards Canterlot.

"I'm sure you'll love the city!" spoke up the captain "You might even be able to see the Princesses if you're lucky enough!"

"I'm not so sure I want to do that…"

"And we'll be delighted to show you the castle" added another "and the barracks" said another voice "and the bar!" concluded a different voice.

"Oh yes, the bar." the sound of general agreement spread through the squad.

"Alcohol. A scourge even in the world of ponies. Don't do drugs kids! Except no kids are listening to me…"

Seeing John's unease, the captain decided to change the topic "So, what did you visit so far? I remember seeing you in the Everfree Forest, but there's quite a long way from there to here so…? " he asked.

"Fuck, I need to talk now…"

"Well, firstly… I…" he hesitated fidgeting slightly amidst the Guards, just realizing how numerous they actually were.

"Totally didn't steal the Elements… nope, why would I do that?"

"Came to the Cave of Harmony… It was kinda my primary goal."

"That's technically not a complete lie…"

"But you already knew that so…"

"What did I do after that?"

"Yeah… Uhm… Then, I decided to visit Ponyville because… I've heard that behind it’s apparent normality the town concealed numerous wonders."

At that last sentence some Guards looked confused. One asked "Does it really though?"

"What?! It's like the place where the whole show takes place, how can you doubt that it's interesting?"

"I think we saw you enjoying one of these…" commented another Guard a stupidly wide grin on his face. Some of the others laughed.

"Oh, that happed… Was trying to forget it but guess they won't let me…"

"I wasn't talking about that." replied John, annoyance in his voice.

"Go on then, we'll talk about it later." cut the captain.

"And what if I don't want to talk about it at all?"

"Well, not much really. My next goal was Canterlot so… except passing through some weird forest and visiting a local establishment I really didn't do much…"

"Oh, yes, the well-known local Starbucks of the forest, swarming with customers as usual…

"Well, now that this completely useless dialogue's out of the way, are we there yet? Like, I get the idea of describing uninteresting events as a way to mark the passage of time, but eh…

"I mean, it at least had the merit of summing my journey up in an almost organic manner. Still not too great though…"

And indeed, John's hopes were fulfilled, as the great Canterlot gate now stood before his eyes.

Signaling to one of the Guards before it, the captain looked quite proud. "Isn't this thing amazing?" he asked, not really waiting for an answer "Solid oak and steel, you see? I'm sure even King Sombra wouldn't be able to get past these gates!"

John wasn't as convinced "Sure…" he replied, smirking.

They were at last on the city's streets. As the squad was now officially out of service, several Guards went off right away, saluting the captain and wishing John good luck on the visit. Some others however, decided to stay, eager to show their city to an outlander. John didn't mind that.

"Yeah, I don't mind that."

"And this is the main street." explained the captain, moving his hoof through the air in a panoramic motion "Thriving with life and happy faces. Isn't that lovely?"

They started walking again. And as they did, numerous ponies turned their heads to see the unusual creature walking their city accompanied by a group of guards. Curious or concerned whispers started sparking in the party's wake. Others even remarked the presence of the Elements of Harmony on this strange bipedal figure.

"And that's the kind of reaction I was trying to avoid…"

At last, a lone pony came up to the captain and quietly asked "Wha-what is this thing?" he then quickly turned down his gaze, trying to avoid eye contact with the alien.

At first, the captain laughed. His laugh was caught by other guards, filling the almost silent air.

"It's just a tourist, my dear friend!" he responded at last "Nothing to be scared of!"

This answer sufficed to some, but most still didn't seem as convinced, only eyeing John with even greater bewilderment.

"Yeah, that doesn't really explain a lot…"

Noticing the general reaction, John decided to talk by himself.

"You know, I'm not some kind of monster! I have feelings and I can talk! When I came here for a visit, this wasn't the reaction I was hoping for! Can't creatures of other races enjoy your beautiful land?"

"I'd say this was convicting enough."

And indeed, it was. The ponies being quite a kind and accepting race by nature, the message was one they could mostly agree on. In addition, the knowledge of John's sapience was one that reassured many, showing that despite the numerous disparities, there were still similarities between them and this strange foreigner.

"Wall that's all cool and sweet, but can we stop with the long-ass paragraphs of description and come back to some cringy dialogue?

"I still need to get that tour of the city… Or rather to somehow get into the castle."

Rapidly, the word of the otherworldly tourist spread through the streets, alerting…

"Stop, I said! That's quite nice to know though…"

"And here we are!" exclaimed the captain, waking John from his internal argument. Turning a corner he stopped besides a large wooden building. Its door was swung open above it could be seen a sign, the words The Prancing Ponywritten upon its wooden surface.

"Oh, I get it."

Inside, could be seen a small inn, its cozy interior swarming with somewhat orderly furniture and joyful patrons.

"And here's John, the bartender." Announced the captain pointing his hoof towards a cheerful pony behind the counter, waving in their direction.

"Hmm… John… What a weird name…" thought John.

"For a pony, I mean, you idiot!"

As if reading the human John's mind, the captain added "Yeah, I know, it's quite an unusual name. Well, it's rather how we call him. His full name would be… Joyless Necrosis…" after a small pause and a quick glance in the bartender's direction, he concluded "Yeah… that's why we just call him John…"

As the rest of the soldiers were already starting to waddle happily into the bar, one of them stopped for a second, turning around "Fancy a drink?" he asked amiably.

"Yes! Except no… Drinks are cool and all, but now I would gladly trade them for a quicker arrival to the castle and, most importantly, less paraphrasing of my name."

"Thanks, but I would rather see some more of this city's amazing architecture! I think I'd like to at least visit the castle before dusk." responded John, then seeing the captain's unhappy face he added "If the captain doesn't mind of course."

Perceiving his subordinate's apologetic smile, the captain steadied himself "I offered to be your guide so now I'll do it." he said determined, then even more determined added "I'll join you guys later though!"

"And thus, I will deliver this land of the bane that is alcoholism, by giving people shittier things to do!... Or not…"

Leaving the joyful establishment behind, they set their eyes on the imposing figure of the high castle in the distance.

"Well, we can say you saw the castle, can't we?" attempted the captain, turning his head towards the tavern once more.

"Good try, but nope!"

"I would rather see it in closer detail… maybe, visit the interior…" replied John, pensive.

As they walked, the ponies no longer eyed John with fear, some even came to them, asking about how the visit is going, offering their services, just curious…

Suddenly, the captain stopped before a square "And this is something else I wanted to show you." He announced.

Coming closer John could see what he was talking about.

"Oh… We're back to that shit again…"

On a high stone pedestal of fine marble stood the proud statue of a guard pony. Though covered by an integral helmet, his determined gaze was turned to the horizon as if looking for invaders in an eternal watch.

"Yeah, but that’s not what's bothering me."

Finally, his solid legs, covered in plated armor, were all standing sturdily upon the ground, safe for the one with an arrow stuck in his knee…

"You know, there are countless tales about this pony." started the captain "They say he used to be an adventurer like you, but then took an arrow in the knee. Well, it didn't stop him from being useful though." he paused, thinking "He did join the guard and…" he paused again, scratching the back of his head "Well, there was something about dragons, but I don't quite remember. History lessons were never my best at the academy."

"Oh, that's sad, always wanted to hear the tale of the sweet roll investigation…"

"Anyway, let's move on, shall we?" and move on they did.

"Uhm, I was wondering" started John to break the silence "What is exactly your role as a guard?"

"Erm… well… I don't quite know… It's complicated…" mumbled the captain, unsure.

"Should have been expecting this answer… It's the Royal Guard after all…"

"There haven't been any wars in ages, the crime rates are quite low too, so…" he stared thoughtfully into the distance "There isn't that much to do for a trained military in such times of peace…"

"Well, that's a thing he isn't wrong about. They might not even be that trained at this point."

"You know, when we found you, it was our first real mission in weeks… if not months. It's quite boring being a guard nowadays, you know?"

"If I manage to pull something off, they might have a threat to deal with. See, my shitty evil plan was for the common good all along!"

As they talked, the edge of the royal garden appeared not too far in the distance. As they moved closer to the neatly cut bushes and fruit-bearing trees, its golden gate became visible. Before it stood a pair of guards, stoically bathing in the rays of the setting Sun.

"Wait, the setting Sun… That ain't good. I really need to get in there before Luna wakes up…"

Noticing the approaching pair, they quickly saluted the captain and greeted John.

"What brings our tourist here?" asked one, smirking.

"Well, I was kinda hoping to visit the castle…" responded the tourist.

The guard seemed somewhat unexpecting of this answer "Oh… Can we do that?" he quizzed his companion.

"Why not?" responded the other "Not like we're hiding anything in there."

"Well, guess you're right…" conceded the first guard, scratching the back of his head "Captain, what do you think?"

"Uhm, we don't usually do that but… I think the Princess would enjoy meeting a new species."

"Yes! That's one step closer to my goal! Just need to… unsuspiciously walk away now… Won't be easy…"

As the guards opened the gate, John turned his gaze back towards the garden's interior. Inside, flocks of exotic birds rivaled the beauty of colorful plants arranged by masterful botanists.

"Isn't this place nice?" asked the captain, contemplative "Always enjoyed just walking through these gardens… Don't get to do that so often though…"

"Yes, let's discover more about this random-ass captain of the guard before I awkwardly run away! Great idea!

"You know you just can't do this kind of shit with me, right?"

And In the middle of all this tamed nature, on the edge of one of the picturesque alleys stood a structure that caught John's eyes.

"Ah, Discord. Still in stone I see. When am I then, I wonder?"

Noticing his companion's interest, the captain too, looked at the edifice.

"Oh, yes that thing." he mumbled, struggling to remember the statue's origin "Erm… I think it used to be some spirit of chaos, a trickster god of some sort… Yet again, don't remember the history that well." giving up, on the details he added "Anyway, now it's quite a nice decoration… Wouldn't touch it though."

"The fact I know more about this thing that this guy, despite not actually living in this universe is quite sad. Don't know for whom it's sadder though."

Leaving this perplexing statue behind, the pair continued their way through the garden.

"You don't talk too often, do you?" suddenly asked the captain.

"Fuck, that's right, I don't. I mean, I usually do, but not now."

"Oh, I'm just busy contemplating the place. It really is amazing." lied John, quickly transforming his bank stare into an interested look.

"That's something I can hardly disagree with."

The castle's great entrance was already nearing and its high ornate surface loomed over them in all its beauty. However, it was rather something to the side that seemed to catch the captain's attention "It looks like we've come at the right time…"

"Yeah, the right time… Hmm… this place doesn't seem overly protected, I might be able to slip to the side and… Wait, what?"

Phasing out of his flawed evil schemes, John discovered Princess Celestia herself, taking her evening cake in the rays of the slowly setting Sun.

"Oh… Well, that's convenient… Not that convenience is that unusual here though…"

Noticing her unplanned guests, the Solar Princess turned to face them "Hello captain Glittering Helm and hello to you too, stranger. What brings the both of you here by this lovely evening?" she asked with a radiant smile.

"Well, now I know this dude's name. Yet another detail that would have been useful if I wasn't planning to flee at the first occasion."

Bowing and inviting John to imitate him, captain Glittering Helm responded "Greetings your highness, I am here to bring you this tourist. He came from a faraway place to visit our land and pleaded to see the royal castle in greater detail. Would his wish be granted?"

The inquiry didn't seem to bother Celestia in the slightest "But of course!" she answered "We at the castle love visitors." then, turning to her cake added "Perhaps you wouldn't mind taking a sit?"

John didn't hesitate "Yeah, why would I?", the captain however, wasn't as sure.

"It's too much of an honor your highness" he mumbled, shifting in place "And… Uhm, I was somewhat planning on doing something else." he added, turning his gaze in the bar's general direction.

"Then you may go. It was already nice of you to have helped this visitor out." approved the Princess, seeing the captain quickly bow once more and trot out of the garden, a content and eager smile upon his face.

"Oh… Is this good? It does leave me one less person to escape from, but even then, I highly doubt so."

Turning towards John and snatching him out of his thoughts, Celestia asked "So, who do I have the pleasure of having here?"

"Me."

Startled, Celestia tilted her head in confusion and opened her mouth as if to respond, and yet, no words came from it.

"And that's how you talk to royalty."

Steadying himself John didn't waste time before a follow-up "Sorry for the confusion, but Me is in fact… my name." he apologized hesitantly.

"And this was the riskiest joke I've ever done, followed by the stupidest save. I think that's quite the achievement."

"Oh, that's… unusual." replied Celestia after taking in the information "But then, you are in fact from a different culture, so it does make sense."

Coming to this conclusion, she decided to take a bite of the richly decorated chocolate cake she was holding in her magic. John observed this action with jealous interest.

"Fuck, eating berries in the middle of the forest isn’t the most sating of activities."

"May I have some?" he asked politely after a short time.

Celestia seemed hesitant, but not for long "But of course." she kindly agreed. Then taking the knife in her magic, she cut a generous piece of the cake behind her… and put it on her own plate. After which she did the same for John except his part was sensibly smaller.

"Right, no one robs Sunbutt of her cake, I forgot. Well, it's better than nothing I suppose."

During the process she asked "So, where exactly do you… or rather Me come here from?"

Already devouring his cake with his eyes, it took Me several seconds to return to reality. "Uhm… It's complicated" he rapidly replied before lunging onto his meager meal.

"And I already regret this joke..."

This answer didn't suffice to the Sun Princess "Then perhaps you could explain." she insisted.

"Explaining. Not my best. Especially when it comes to making shit up."

Taking a small pause in his almost finished meal, John turned his cake covered face towards the Princess… Then, realizing his state quickly found the nearest towel and cleaned it up.

"Well, it's a place far away, behind the sea… Quite beautiful, but nothing compared to here." he explained before pausing, his gaze reflectively set on the lowering Sun "I arrived by boat, so I couldn't really remember the route. And then, orientation really isn't my best so… I don't really know where it is now…" he finally admitted.

"Let's say this lye was convincing enough. At least I really hope it is."

"But don't you have maps?" the sudden question snapped John out of his lye-induced contemplation.

"Fuck that's a thing I forgot to think about… Maybe because someone never gave me one, huh?"

"Maps… Well, maps… are complicated…" he stuttered, struggling to come up with a logical reason "I don't know… I was kinda venturing into unmapped territory… So…"

As John dove into his thoughts once again, an awkward silence settled upon the garden. Only birds and the sound of moving leaves breaking it from time to time. And as Celestia prepared to take yet another bite of her cake to pass the time, it was John who suddenly spoke.

"Uhm… It's starting to get late…" he slowly said, eyes firmly set on the setting Sun "And I was going to need some rest after my travels. So… I think I better go and find something in town now because I fear it may take some time."

"Fuck, the Sun is so close to the horizon. Luna's going to wake up. And when she does… Ugh… I better not stay here."

Noticing John's dismay, but unbeknownst its cause, Celestia decided to help him out "Perhaps you could stay in the castle." she proposed after a short reflection "I believe we still have empty rooms."

"That's just convenience at its height at this point, I don't even know."

Despite some apprehension, John didn't waste a second before responding "Oh, that'd be amazing. I'd be extremely honored and pleased."

Happy to satisfy her guest, Celestia's smile stretched even wider, almost starting to radiate the likeness of the Sun's mighty rays.

Suddenly remembering the time, John quickly asked "So… may someone show me my room?"

"Oh, of course! Follow Golden Daffodil over there." she said, pointing her hoof towards a yellow-coated mare who just seemed to be waiting for this exact moment next to the door "She'll lead you there."

"That's quite the immediate service I must say. Not even all hotels have this kind of reactivity. Well, it ain't a hotel…"

Getting up from his chair and quickly curtsying John obeyed without a second thought.

"You know, it's while eating cake with cartoon horse royalty that you realize, that if life ever had a deeper meaning perhaps it never was this deep…"

Philosophy in his mind, John saw the giant castle door swing open under the seemingly delicate pull of a unicorn's magic. Behind, he discovered a large and astonishingly beautiful hall, worthy of a thousand kings.

"I might be lying when I say I'm here for the castle, but I can't say it's not beautiful. If my plan fails, at least this was worth the visit. But I hope it won't fail."

Following the mare and contemplating the decoration, John didn't pay any attention to the numerous guards, patrolling the area. They all seemed to follow him with their sight, some even left they duty for a moment to exchange a word or two about him with their colleagues.

"Guards. That’s a problem. Sneaking out won't be that easy."

"Well, It’s the Royal Guard so… Maybe not."

It was in the end of a small, unremarkable hallway that they finally stopped. Here, a slightly less ornate door neighbored a tiny balcony that still offered a breathtaking view of the city.

"Here's your room." announced the pony accompanying John. She opened the door, stepping to the side.

"Thank you." he quickly replied. Then, as quickly entered the room and swung the door shut once more.

Waiting a second, he heard the clatter of busy hooves moving away.

"Phew… Now I can think out loud in peace." he exclaimed, dropping upon the slightly too small bed with relief.

"And you, can shut up!"

…

"Perfect. Now, how do I do this? I do need some kind of shitty ritual in order to summon this nightmare thing.

"Wait. Did I just make an enormous mistake?

"Yep. Nightmare Moon was defeated in the other castle. The one I was at several days ago. That's quite stupid.

"Well, who cares at this point? I might as well make it here. This whole plan never really made sense anyway."

Heavily sighing, John took off the Elements and put them on his new bed.

"What should I do with this?

"A pentagram.

"How, I don't know, but I'll make some random-ass pentagram and hope it will work."

And so he did. Putting five Elements in the vague shape of a star and the crown in the middle, he eyed the shape in thought.

"It doesn't seem to work. This doesn't actually look like a pentagram even."

And at this very moment, the rapid clatter of wrathful hooves resounded somewhere in the hallway behind him.

"Shit, this ain't good."

And yet, this agitation seemed to influence the Elements. They slowly started to glow.

"Oh…"

But the light wasn't the one John saw in the Cave of Harmony. It was something completely of another kind. It was darker. Obscure even. Black tendrils of lightless light slowly crept from one Element to another, forming a unique black star.

"That's more like it! More like a pentagram, even!"

And it was at this very moment that the door violently swung open.

"I'VE GOTTEN YOU TRAPPED, THIEF!" uttered Luna through the door "PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Shit."

And as her wrath-filled shout reached John's ears, the blackened Star reacted even more. Giving it a quick glance, he saw ink-like tendrils reached to his arm, grabbing him and starting to pull. First, struggling, he couldn't resist much longer. Falling upon the star, he felt a black mist envelop his body and mind.

"Wait, no! I don’t like where this is going! Don't…"

And then, there was darkness…

Author's Note

Sorry for the lack of chapters lately, but sadly, it isn't about to change. The reasons of it range from pure and simple laziness to travel-induced absence of Internet connection, all the while passing by different illnesses and severe back-pain.

I usually don't like to use this section, but it probably was necessary to assure you that I am, in fact, not completely dead and plan on posting (although with similar irregularity).

So, while you're waiting, here's a long-ass chapter and a picture of cat (because I do have one at my disposition right now).