A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"Oh… Fuck… what happened?

"I hope it wasn't as hentai as it looked…" grumbled John, slowly awakening under what felt like a small pile of rubble.

"What? This doesn’t really help a lot." he continued, struggling to open his sealed eyes. "The hentai option's out though. Good."

"Well, it seems no matter what went on here, you're still there, annoying as usual…"

As he finally managed to separate his eyelids, the sight that met his gaze wasn't the most welcoming one.

"Oh… This doesn't look like Canterlot…" observed John, taking a panoramic glance around "Doesn't look like shit actually…"

"Hey!" he suddenly heard a weak cry coming from somewhere behind him amidst all the rubble "Here!"

"Hey, I don't have time for saving random characters right now! I just awoke from a long-ass night of unending nightmares, so I at least need some time to turn my brain on.

"Like, the fact that the word suddenly looks like an endless nuclear wasteland with a grey sky and all these dead bushes as in that alternative future of the Season 5 finale already isn't helping."

"I could explain that if you help me!" exclaimed the unknown voice, pleading.

"Oh, that changes everything! I'm coming!"

Uneasily moving through the remains of scorched buildings and ash-turned plants, John slowly made his way to the voice.

"Hey, I kinda remember this voice, did we meet earlier?"

"I think you'll get it when you find me." responded the voice.

"Maybe…" agreed John, trying to take an ashen plank out of his way.

After about a minute of lazily walking around and dispassionate tries to remove some of the debris, John finally found something. Or rather somepony.

"The pony part of it was to be expected."

But it wasn't just anypony. "Oh… You?"

"Yep, me." responded the latter, lying, half scorched in a small puddle of his own blood.

"Background Pony Number 347, is it?" asked John, too disturbed by the gruesome sight to actually do something useful.

"Nope, 377. You never got it right…" corrected Background Pony Number 377.

"And, you're an alicorn now?" continued John, suddenly noticing the change behind all the gore.

"Yep, no Elements to shoot me this time."

"And, you're kinda dying too…" he finally concluded.

"Well, I'd be happy to die a split second before telling you that super important information you absolutely need…" started the injured pony, setting his horn alight in a soothing glow "But since I have no such information, not really. Alicorns don't die." he finished, applying some sort of basic healing spell on his wounds.

"Oh, that's great." sighed John in relief, happy for his friend.

"Hey, he's not my friend! I only met him twice, and first time was as close to murdering him as you always are to murdering me! Find better ways to paraphrase his name next time!"

"Is it?" the question pulled John out of his thoughts.

"Do you wanna die?" he asked, troubled and confused at the same time.

"Look at the world."

Eyeing the barren wasteland around him John couldn't help but agree "True…" then, he suddenly remembered what he came here for "So, you didn't actually need help, did you?"

"Does moral help count?" sheepishly asked his semi-injured companion.

"OK, I can get behind that." conceded John, heavily sighing and sitting down on the dusty floor.

"So, you were about to tell me what the fuck happened. Because apart from being trapped in that terrible unending nightmare, I didn't really do much lately."

"Well, you kinda did do much lately." corrected Background Pony Number 377, rubbing the back of his head "It's all somewhat because of you, actually."

"Oh."

"Yep…"

"How exactly?" asked John, still somewhat sceptic about this whole situation.

"Well, after you somehow managed to summon that Nightmare demon, your plan kinda worked." admitted the alicorn "It was complete shit, but it still somehow worked."

"How do you even know about my plan?" quizzed John, slowly getting more and more confused.

"You told me." responded the other as if it was obvious.

"I don't remember doing that… But then, I can't really remember shit…"

Things weren't really getting clearer though "Really, when?" he asked, still deep in his thoughts.

"Recall that time you said I won't be one of those corpses decorating your overly spiky castle?" inquired the pony in response "Well, you actually held your promise… After shooting me with the Elements of Harmony and leaving me half dead on the floor of course…"

Not minding that last tackle, John had more important questions "Wait a minute, are you saying that I actually managed to gain control of the world and be that shitty edgy villain I wanted to?" he asked in complete disbelief.

"Yep."

This was a bit too much to take in "Then why the fuck do I only remember that crappy eternal nightmare and nothing of what you're saying?!" he uttered, jumping to his feet while vividly waving his hands.

"And shut up, you narrator!"

"No idea… Actually, I always thought it couldn't exactly be you since that guy in power wasn't stupid enough, but yeah…"

It was then that the realization struck John "Oh, I think I remember the lore now!" he exclaimed, bringing a hand to his forehead. "Yeah… That Nightmare shit, when it possesses you, it just takes control and traps you inside your worst nightmare forever… That should have been a thing I thought about before trying to summon it."

A wave of curiosity washed over Background Pony Number 377's mind "What was that nightmare, by the way?" he asked "Because you do seem quite scarred by it."

"Oh, terrible." started John, taking a dramatic stance "It all starts as a normal day. I wake up, then, all of a sudden, I stub my toe! And god, does that motherfucker hurt! Once I finally manage to suppress the pain, I turn on my PC and —oh tragedy!— there's a Windows update!

"But that's not all, because —broken and angry— I go make myself a coffee to cheer up a bit. But it's too hot! I can't drink it or, worse, can't even lift it with my bare hands! So, armed with a pair of those think baking gloves, I pick it up, and —oh horror!— there's a wet circle under it! So, even more despaired, I come back to my PC… But the update's stuck at 99%! What can I do? Nothing but wait!

"So, as I take out my phone —that, thanks god, isn't updating— it is with utter dismay that I discover that it only has 1% of battery left! Then, it goes down to 0% but stays on —which is way worse actually because I can't find the charger and am forced to use it, fearing for it to shut down at any second. Checking my Reddit, as usual, I see that my latest post has gotten a downvote! What savage could have done such crime?

"And then I wake up. But it’s the same day again. And that, for an eternity. True torture." finishing his overly theatrical tale, John sat down on the dusty ground near his companion again, exhausted by the quality of his performance.

"Wow." was the only reaction the other could master "I didn't understand about half of that, but it did seem terrible to be part of."

"Yep." confirmed John with a deep sigh "So, how were things down here?"

"Less awful, I can say that." assured Background Pony Number 377, putting a reassuring but dirty hoof on John's shoulder.

"Well, it isn't too hard." responded the latter putting the reassuring hoof back on the ground.

"Nope. Even this guy doesn't have the right to soil this, already terribly dirty, t-shirt. Fuck, I didn't change it in ages… When you think about it, that's actually not too different from my normal lifestyle."

Extorting John from his thoughts, Background Pony Number 377 proclaimed "Actually, it was kinda good, for you at least. Or rather for that Nightmare thing."

"Because it actually managed to pull something off?" mused John, still somewhat doubtful.

"I mean, that's not what usually happens to villains in the show…"

"Yep. It's much harder to defeat anything without the Elements, you know?"

"Oh, right." exclaimed John, remembering all the artifacts in his possession. He immediately looked at his body, inspecting all the jewels. They were all still here except…

"Wait, did that fucking Amulet change color again? It's blackish now… as that smoke thing in my eyes…

"That's just stupid… Is this thing an alignment detector or something?..."

"Well, apparently it got corrupted by the Darkness or some shit like that. I mean, that and the Elements. Look, they're slightly darker now." explained his companion, pointing a muddy and slightly blood-covered hoof towards the, once hallowed, jewels.

"That sounds like an extremely bullshit explanation…"

"Anyway, you were saying?" insisted John, eager to know the rest.

"Oh, right" exclaimed Background Pony Number 377, coming back to his story "So, you know that Alicorns are immortal, right?"

Ogling the scorched blood and gore splattered on the ground, John's eyes sparked with skepticism "Well, according to your current state, this might come as an overstatement." he declared.

"Nah, it's not that bad, really!" responded the alicorn, waving his hoof in dismissal. This movement however, unwillingly producing a loud unpleasant crack. He winced in pain.

"Yeah, so?" persevered John, unimpressed by this display of healthiness.

Suppressing the ache in his hoof with another rudimentary healing spell, the pony suddenly asked "See, there's no Moon?"

Not really getting the point of this question, John looked at the sky in confusion "Well, it may just be hidden by all these thick black clouds…" he suggested.

"Nope, no Sun either." denied Background Pony Number 377 before imitating John in his observation of the clouds above "It's thanks to you actually."

"I'm starting to think that the whole point of this dialogue is to just confuse me to death… Well, that and useless exposition."

"And how do alicorns come into all that?" he asked, sighing.

"That's how you got rid of them." replied the other as if it was obvious.

All this really wasn't helping "How exactly?" asked John, starting to get desperate to understand something.

"Well, you sent them all to the Sun or the Moon (I don't quite remember which). And then, you launched both into outer space." explained the pony, staring into the sky again as if trying to pierce the thick roof of black clouds to distinguish the long-gone luminaries a final time.

Turning his gaze back to the ground, John sighed "You know, it's all cool and all, but the thing is, as I hear all this, I much rather feel like that guy, listening to some epic and edgy adventures while comfortably lying on a couch, than the one who actually did something…"

"That's because you didn't do shit." said Background Pony Number 377, his grin and tone the least reassuring possible.

"Thanks for the encouragement." grumbled John, then continued "Like, all this shit would have been even cooler to hear if I actually did it instead of being trapped in a shitty nightmare…

"Anyway, how can you not remember some pretty important details if, according to my sleep duration, this whole thing couldn't have lasted more than about two days?" he asked, trying to change the subject to get out of his slight melancholy "I can't see myself ruling longer anyway…"

"Two thousand years."

"What?!"

"Well, this puts the time this t-shirt wasn't washed to a whole new level… Must say that the fact it survived is already a miracle…"

"Yep, two thousand years…" confirmed the pony with a contemplative smile "At least that's how it felt like to us. Time is relative, you know?"

"Not that relative though!" exclaimed John in disbelief "And, how? Like, I think I'm as good of a ruler as I am of an orator: complete shit."

"But that Nightmare thing wasn't you…" retorted Background Pony Number 377, slightly annoyed by John's stupidity.

"Don't you dare calling me stupid, you… narrator!"

"Oh, that makes much more sense." recognized John despite his small internal argument, then suddenly asked "And how did you live?"

The contemplative smile came back to the pony's face "Well, all the classic evil overlord stuff." he said, carefully waving his non-broken front leg "The overly spiky castle, the shadowy cult, the slavery and overwhelming industry despite being able to do everything yourself in the blink of an eye, the good shit…"

John looked at his movements and expressions with interest "And you personally?"

The smile on Background Pony Number 377's face slightly diminished "Prince of Nothing. Completely useless. Had my own place in the castle though. It was quite a cool time overall." he assured with the smallest frown.

"Don't you get tired of constantly saying his whole name? Because I do despite not even doing it!"

It was then that the sight of the desert surroundings brought another quite important question to John's mind "Great. So, how exactly did the world suddenly become a barren wasteland?"

"Oh, that…" slowly said the Prince of Nothing, snapping out of his short reverie "The classic stuff once again. A slowly creeping rebellion. Some illogical royalty descendants. It all took quite a while…"

Once again, the explanation didn't really suffice "That doesn't explain the complete destruction of the world."

The alicorn looked up to the sky once more (because between that and the ashen ground there wasn't really much else to look at) "Right." he paused as if trying to fathom the events himself first "You see, that nightmare thing controlling you had managed to became so powerful, and these rebels became so desperate that they just decided to wipe out everything if it somehow killed you."

"As I see the latter didn't really work." remarked John with a mocking grin.

"Well, the Nightmare thing's gone at least…" sighed the other "As is everything else in this world."

"And it even managed to kill you?" John suddenly asked, his face displaying a knowing frown.

"…"

In the suddenly awkward silence, Background Pony Number 377 raised his eyebrows to a point they seemed to be escaping the boundaries of his forehead "You realize that if you're talking to me right now, it didn't really, right?"

"Oh, I'm as stupid as before I see…"

"Yep, the Nightmare definitely wasn't you."

In the abruptly restored silence quite an important question came to John's mind "The fuck am I supposed to do now then? If there's no world to conquer, no artifacts to steal, nothing left really…"

Background Pony Number 377 brought his gaze to John, his eyes showing agreement "That's a great question I was asking myself too…" he confessed, then added with a small smirk "I mean, it's not that much of a problem for me since my specialty is doing nothing anyway…"

All of a sudden, the sound of a thaumatic energy blast, warping reality and feminine cries somewhere in the distance caught both their attentions.

Getting up to look at its origin, John slowly enounced "Oh, that's why this all looked like the Season 5 finale…"

"The what?" asked Background Pony Number 377 with a confused frown.

"It's complicated…" dismissed the other.

Still staring at the two pinkish mares that magically appeared there, it was only with a corner of his eye that John suddenly caught what looked like well too familiar mint fur amidst the ashen vegetation somewhere in the distance "No, it can't be…" he slowly mumbled.

"You said everything died, didn't you?" he asked, turning towards his companion, fear in his eyes.

"Well, yes… why?" responded the latter, forcing himself to distinguish what John just saw.

The distant fur seemed to move, showing what vaguely resembled a pony's ear.

"I… think I'll have to go now… Sorry…" stuttered John forgetting his friend's state completely. His brain was now set on run-for-your-life mode. Bracing himself, he prepared to rush towards the epicenter of the magical discharge.

"No problem." semi-sarcastically responded the Prince of Nothing, shifting to get into a better position on his pile of ash "I'm used to that…"