A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Giving a last glance back, it was with horror that John discovered that the mint-colored figure had, in fact, moved once more. Deciding that there was no time left to waste, he bolted towards the two mares he had witnessed appear earlier.

"Fuck, you talked way too much during that dialogue! Like, were you forced to stay silent during those two thousand years or something?

"Anyway, now that I have the, completely useless, backstory of this world's destruction, it's time to leave it behind and try my luck somewhere else.

"That if I manage to flee from Lyra of course…

"By the way, ARE YOU FUCKING TELLING ME THAT SHE SURVIVED THIS WORLD-DESTROYING CATACLYSM?

"Like, even that other guy, who was an alicorn, an immortal being seemed quite in bad shape!

"I'm starting to think that you have some rather illegal urges…" he finally proclaimed, finishing his rant while wildly panting during this rather intense run.

"And how the fuck am I even talking while running, that just doesn't make any sense?!"

As he approached the mares, their voices started to become understandable.

"Where are we?" uttered one, a pink unicorn with a purple mane.

"The future… or rather present" sadly responded the other, a lavender alicorn with…

"Hey, you don't need to paraphrase their names like that! Like, I get you're trying to keep some mystery around the whole encounter, but I already know who they are!

"Just call them by name, it'll be easier for the both of us!" John cried out, catching the attention of one of the mares. To him, this didn't seem like a problem, to the mare however…

Twilight never thought this fight would have gone that far.

As she desperately tried to convince Starlight Glimmer to stop all this madness, the other mare's temper seemed to only be making things worse…

Travel through time to change the past. She would never have thought it could even be possible… And now, all these alternate presents seemed to only be getting worse. A desolate wasteland… What could have possible happened to this world?

All of a sudden, she saw something living in the midst of this seemingly barren wasteland. And it was running towards them.

"Hey, watch out, behind you!" she cried out to Starlight who couldn't have seen the approaching creature.

The other didn't listen, too absorbed in her rage "I'm no foal, Twilight Sparkle" she uttered back "Your stupid attempts to distract me won't save you from having to answer!"

And yet, the creature was still approaching.

It was weird. Slender and bipedal as an Abyssinian and yet completely devoid of their characteristic fur and ears. In addition, the whole front of its body was covered in jewels that clanged and wildly moved as it ran. It seemed to be saying something on its course.

Once free of the initial shock, Twilight rapidly generated a purple magical shield around them.

"Hey, where the fuck are you?" uttered John before violently colliding with the magical barrier and falling onto the dusty floor.

"Could have told me about that instead of disappearing! You, asshole!"

"AAAAAAAAAH!" a painfully loud feminine cry suddenly reached his ears, the headache forcing him to clench his eyes shut.

Trying to suppress the ringing in his head he slowly got up "Please, don't yell. Like, I'm no monster…" he pleaded rubbing the sides of his skull.

The much more pleasant sound of the barrier's disappearance was however followed by another cry "No, why are you doing this?! It might be dangerous!"

"He doesn't seem to be." responded another voice, the one belonging to…

"Twilight. To Twilight. Don't try to keep this mysterious. It's not."

Groaning, John opened his eyes, seeing the worried face of a baby dragon standing right in front of him.

"Oh, right… Spike exists too…"

"Uh… What are you?" asked the latter with a confused frown, alike to that of a young child.

John heavily sighed "Fucking hell! Why do I always need to explain this!" he exclaimed, slightly stunning the others by his rudeness. The dragon even jumped back, hiding behind one of the mares' legs.

Slowly stretching and rubbing his hurt forehead, John took a second to look behind him and saw exactly what he didn't want to see.

"Yep. It's definitely Lyra…"

As he turned back however, it was three alarmed pairs of eyes that met his gaze.

"Uhm, perhaps we could talk about that later…" started the purple alicorn, still slightly shocked by John's outburst.

"Call her Twilight, for the love of god!"

John couldn't bother to answer. Instead, he turned around once more, discovering Lyra's figure hiding behind some rubble just a dozen of feet away.

This sight brought panic to his mind "Uhm… I'll tell you anything you want, just please, let's get the fuck out of this universe!" he cried out, fear in his eyes and plea in his voice.

"How do you even know we can do that?" asked Starlight Glimmer, in her aloof yet slightly worried tone. Her gaze was constantly shifting from John to Twilight and Spike as if she was judging her opponents.

"Thank you for calling her by name! That's at least something to comfort me in this whole disaster…"

John started to seriously freak out now "I'll tell you that too! Just please cast your fucking spell and get me out of here or I will regret it!" he pleaded, violently waving his arms in disarray.

This sight seemed to strike pity into Twilight's heart "I think we should help him." she declared with a resolute frown "There's no point in staying in this empty world anyway…"

"Well, help him if you want Twilight Sparkle!" retorted Starlight "Because I have no intention of bringing some unknown creature into my world!"

"You realize we can just jump into the portal after you cast the spell, right?" remarked John, his tone suddenly more mocking then freaked out.

"That's a valid point." she bitterly admitted before hastily adding "But don't think you can outsmart me. All of you!"

"Anyway, can we please get the fuck out of here already!" uttered John, maniacally looking at Lyra's previous location just to discover with horror that she was no longer there.

"OK…" slowly agreed Starlight, coldly eyeing the others one by one to discover they were all fixing her in return "I don't trust any of you, but I feel like there may be no other choice…"

Igniting her horn in a pink aura, she did what had to be done.

A strange, unnatural portal, bending the laws of space and time to its will, slowly formed before them with a blast-like sound.

"Fucking finally!"

However, through the noise of warping reality, a much quieter sound caught John's attention. That of a magical pop usually due to teleportation. Slowly, he turned his head around and there she was. A maniac grin on her face, Lyra stood less than a foot away, her body braced for a feline lunge…

But a split second before she could leave the ground, John felt the sudden pull of the portal behind him becoming stronger, forcing him inside. The strange sensations of the dimensionless space replaced the hot, stagnant air upon his skin. He was in…

But so was Lyra. Jumping at the last second, she just managed to catch the fleeing rift before it vanished completely. Her smiling face was now just before John's in this weird dimensional gateway.

"NO! FUCKING HELL!"

Then, the warp ended. The sensation of streaming air returned once again. But another sensation appeared: that of rapid freefall.

"Right, we're in Cloudsdale…"

"HELP ME!" John uttered at the top of his lungs while the air was violently pushed out of them by the powerful gusts of uprising wind.

Then it quickly ceased, replaced by the pleasant sensation of a magical aura encompassing him.

"Thanks." he sighed, feeling himself lifted higher into the air.

Then he saw Lyra rapidly fall down just next to him followed by a small panicked exclamation, as Twilight tried to save her too.

"No, don't save her!" he immediately cried "She survived the fucking apocalypse, I think she won't mind a small fall!"

"Wouldn't mind if she died though…" he then mumbled to himself.

Now resting upon a small cloud while still being held in Twilight's magic John sighed "Might not have been the deadliest situation I've been in yet, but still would have preferred to avoid it…"

"So" he heard Starlight's voice somewhere behind him "I think we can all agree that there are things you should tell us now."

Trying to turn, John helplessly shifted in the air for a second, but to no avail "First, can you promise not to drop me to my death?" he carefully asked, now turning his head to Twilight with a pleading smile.

"But of course!" responded the latter, returning the smile "Why would I want to do that?"

"I think you won't be so sure about it a second later…"

"Well… uhm…" he started, hesitant "I was kinda the cause of the last universe's destruction…"

A collective "Oh." followed by a "Can you actually please drop him?" from Starlight was the (appropriate) reaction that followed.

"Why am I even being honest at this point…"

"It's more complicated though!" quickly added John, noticing the general shock as well as the slight reduction of the magical field holding him in the air "The final blast rendered me completely inoffensive!"

"And how can we be sure of that?" asked Starlight, completely flabbergasted.

"That's a great question…"

"Well… firstly, the fact I didn't instantly flee after transforming you into small piles of ash should be a piece of evidence to confirm that claim." suggested John, trying to look as inoffensive as possible "I mean, why waiting to destroy the world when you can do it right away?"

Looking at his mixed-up face and gestures Twilight felt bad for this creature "Well… I guess it's a point." she slowly said with a small smile.

"Well do whatever you want, because my job here isn't yet done!" angrily proclaimed Starlight before charging up a blast she aimed at a rainbow-maned pegasus filly, swiftly accelerating several dozens of feet away.

It was however a collective "No!" followed by a semi-collective "Stop!" that startled her enough to prevent the blast. Meanwhile, the filly continued her course, causing a great explosion of prismatic light that rapidly spread far across the land.

An angry "AAAAAAH!" from Starlight followed swiftly after "My perfect plan! It's ruined!" she uttered.

"Well, actually" started John, steadying himself "I think there were a lot of far easier ways to make your communistic society work than fucking time travel."

This remark seemed to completely overwhelm Starlight "And how do you even know about my plans?!" she cried out at the verge of tears "You can't know anything about me! You can't know… my past…"

"Wait, wait, wait! This seems like a way too convenient segway to a heartfelt backstory reveal followed by a redemption and the joining of the Mane Six to actually become a very nice and lovable character! Don't do that! Don't fall to the light side!" quickly uttered John, interrupting any following talking on Starlight's part "You'll thank me later for saving you from redemption!"

Meanwhile, the only reaction Twilight could master was opening her mouth is shocked confusion. She even nearly dropped John for a second.

"Let's not do that last thing…"

"Uhm… what?" finally asked Spike, struggling to break the thick silence.

"It's complicated…" dismissed John swiftly waving his hand "Anyway, it would be rather nice if we actually got back to your universe so that I would be able to stand on something solid again instead of floating in the air while you… well you do whatever you want."

Somewhat recovering from John's tirade, Starlight regained her composure "Well I guess you're right…" she proclaimed, her tone slightly less harsh now "My revenge might need to wait some more…"

As her horn sparked to life, its thaumatic aura pulled on the strings of reality to create the unearthly portal from thin air. It opened once more, the vortex of timeless space inside pulling all those around it…

"Yeah, yeah, I got it… Metaphysically magical bullshit and stuff. I don't care! What matters is that it works."

And so, after another timeless journey through the threads of reality's complex net, here they stood on safe ground. The ground of the Castle of Friendship.

However, at the very second of their arrival, the door swiftly swung open, all bearers of the Elements of Harmony bolting inside.

Seeing their confused and worried faces, Starlight returned them a rather wrathful frown and immediately teleported away in a blast of pink magic. John however, couldn't do that.

"And I must say that's quite a shame…"

"Uh… Hello?" he slowly said instead, waving his hand and displaying the friendliest smile possible…