And so he was. Standing alone in the middle of a room full of the friendliest ponies of Equestria. Many would have given a lot to experience such a thing, not John though. Especially because they were now all staring at him, their faces displaying different stages of confusion, ranging from curiosity to light panic.

John's reaction was rather understandable:

He freaked out "Oh, my fucking god, what can I do?! I can't escape right? No, can't escape… What to do, what to do?"

And so was their reaction.

"Uhm… Who is this?" asked one, slowly shifting her gaze from John to a rather confused Twilight.

But there was one pony whose reaction wasn't as predictable…

"Wait, this doesn't mean you're leaving me, does it? No please no, don't! You can't do this to me!..."

Having just teleported away from the Castle of Friendship, Starlight Glimmer was slowly trotting towards the Everfree Forest. And as she walked, she ruminated upon the unexpected failure of her theoretically perfect plan.

The spell, the time, the events… she had planned it all, and yet it failed. And what would she do now? Now that they had all witnessed her incapability for a second time, now that even her vengeance was somehow interrupted.

And this stupid Twilight Sparkle, she didn't understand, she couldn't understand, she didn't know how harsh life sometimes was, how nothing was ever perfect, how even her beloved friendship had its flows…

But the longer she pondered these thoughts, the longer she rethought of her plans and schemes, the longer another, lingering question kept ever returning to her tired mind. What was this otherworldly creature? And how did it know so much?

Suddenly, she stopped. A thought came to her head. A wild, unpondered idea. Perhaps she could ask it herself? Yes, just teleport it here and ask it, interrogate it, perhaps even torture it just to get those sweet answers…

Yes, this was the solution. If this being had the answers to so much, perhaps it would be willing to give them to her.

Directing the mana to her horn, she prepared the spell. Concentrating on the castle, she detected the unusual presence and, pop, it was here in a blast of pink light.

"No, these aren't the Elements, at least not your Elements!

"No, I'm not corrupted by the Alicorn Amulet! Why do you even think it's the Alicorn Amulet? Look, it's black!

"No, I'm not from that portal in the Crystal Empire, I hate this place!

"Please, leave me alone for a second, goddamnit!"

"And why is this fucking asshole of a narrator not coming back?!"

Bombarded with questions, John didn't know what he could do, despair started to mix with panic in his head when, all of a sudden, he felt his body overtaken by a pink magical aura and pop, everything was gone.

"Oh my god, thank you!" he uttered at the top of his relieved lungs.

Then, as he noticed the one who had saved him from this horrible social interaction added "Oh, it's you…"

"Wanted to save you from redemption, as you put it…" responded Starlight, her tone as harsh as it was mocking.

"Well, I thank you for that very kind action, but…" he paused, choosing his words "Could you please ignore me for a second? I have a very important argument to have with the air."

Seeing Starlight's sceptic half-frown, he added "Never mind, I'll have it anyway!"

Turning around, to fully face his nonexistent opponent he started unintelligibly shouting.

"YOU FUCKING NARRATOR! I WOUD HAVE KILLED YOU IF YOU WEREN'T AN OMNIPOTENT ETHEREAL BEING!

"NOT ONLY ARE YOU ANNOYING AS FUCK WHEN DOING YOUR JOB, BUT NOW… NOW YOU JUST FLEE AT THE MOST IMPORTANT SECOND!

"DAMN YOU NARRATOR!" he cried out at the very top of his lungs before stopping for a second to heavily breathe. All the while, the air he was shouting at seeming quite apologetic if not sad.

"Oh, you recognize your mistake at least, that's fine then. Sorry for yelling so much…

"Just, a simple question though. During those two thousand years of stasis, did you gain the ability to switch to narrating other characters or something? I honestly don't quite get it." he quizzed the air in confusion. All of a sudden, an apple as if appeared from thin air to fall on John's head, jerking it downwards.

Contemplatively rubbing his hurt skull while slowly picking the apple up John mused "Don’t know why, but I think I should take this as a yes. Well, OK then."

As he turned back, it was a rather bewildered Starlight that met his gaze.

Ignoring that, John just sighed "So, where were we?" he asked no one in particular.

After several long seconds in silence as Starlight tried to whelm the events that just occurred and several more before her brain actually could function again, she could finally respond "I don't quite know…" she admitted, now completely free of her previously condescending tone.

"Oh, I think I have an idea… Yep, there's definitely a question I need to ask her."

Steadying himself and inhaling slightly more than necessary, John asked that question "Is the Sun a potato?"

This immediately snapped Starlight out of her turmoil "Well, of course it is." she quickly answered "I mean, all the evidence seems to be pointing towards it."

"Oh, so you really bothered with integrating those tree-people into the lore… I might as well use it then."

Nonchalantly turning his gaze to the forest, John slowly started walking towards it "Shouldn't we go?" he asked, turning to Starlight "I think we better talk behind the cover of those trees."

Starlight didn't mind, also starting to walk. Suddenly, the original goal of this summoning returned to her mind.

"Oh, how did you know all that about me?" she quizzed, waiting for the precious answer.

The answer however, wasn't that precious "It's complicated…" responded John.

Then, noticing Starlight's annoyance at his first answer hurriedly clarified "Like, I actually even know what would have happened if you did become good and shit like that, but the reason for all this would actually make you freak out… Yeah, I know that too."

Finally, putting his apple in a pocket after giving it a last quick glance, he concluded "So, let's not bother with this kind of things and keep it all simple, I hate explaining anyway. What's your next plan for example?"

"Let's hope this prevents the need for all further explanations…"

Starlight wasn't expecting this last question "Well… I don't quite know…" she admitted, pensive. Then, remembering the bitterness of the failure muttered "Revenge over that Twilight Sparkle."

John didn't seem to agree "Nah, that's not the way to go!" he exclaimed, waving his hands and kicking a small rock that happed to be on his way "Like, revenge can wait. It's even better served cold as they say. Your town however, that's much more important! A communist society doesn't build itself in a few days!"

"Yeah, let's give shitty life advice to people, I'm great at that!"

Not even surprised by John's seeming all-knowingness anymore, Starlight just sighed "I already know that…" then, frowning and angrily stomping a small plant, added "It's just that, those ponies, they won't let me build it in peace…"

"Don't bother with that!" exclaimed John, almost colliding with a tree from the forest they had now entered "I'm sure they'll have plenty to do for the next…. I don't know how long."

"In the last universe everyone started wanting to murder me quite quickly and I don't think this tendency will really change here." he cheerfully explained, then abruptly asked "You don't want to kill me yet, do you?"

"I'd rather say not anymore…" responded the other.

"Let's say I'm OK with this answer."

As they now marched through the forest, the trees around them were gradually becoming more and more numerous while also starting to increasingly gnarl and twist.

"Wait, we aren't going to Ancient Gnarl Barks, are we?" suddenly asked John, worriedly looking around before coming to a stop.

"After two thousand years of endless sleep, some more hours of it aren't what I really want…"

"Oh, you know him too?" exclaimed Starlight, beaming "That's great! My urge to violently murder you is completely gone now!... Not that it ever was too present anyway…"

"I think I should feel reassured now… Not completely sure though…"

"But of course!" hurriedly responded John "However, I would rather not bother him by this late hour…"

"So… can't we just camp here instead?" he finally suggested, sitting down on a big uncomfortable root to prove his intentions.

"Oh… Perhaps you're right…" agreed Starlight, sitting down too "I guess, I could just go see him in the morning."

"Let's make camp then!" she exclaimed, lighting her horn. A second later a bright explosion of pink lit the environing trees, making them disappear completely and creating a small clearing in place of the thick forest that once stood here.

The root on which John sat disappeared too. He clumsily fell to the ground.

"There are moments like that when I'm happy I'm not a tree…"

"Wow! That's quite impressive!" he declared, getting back up and dusting his legs.

Acknowledging the compliment with a satisfied smile, Starlight continued the setting of the camp…

"But we don't care about that, do we?

"Anyway, I don't, so I'll just sit here and think about what the fuck I'm supposed to do next.

"Do I really need to do it, though? Pff…

"Eh, let's look at the plan, I guess… If it didn't transform into dust that is, of course…"

Taking out the crumbled piece of paper from his pocket, John discovered that it was in fact still functional.

"That's convenient… I'll probably need a new one though. If it even is that useful of course… Which I highly doubt."

All of a sudden, the sound of Starlight's voice tore John out of his thoughts, making him shudder "There's a typo here." she said, leaning over his shoulder and pointing a hoof towards the piece of paper.

"Wait what, really?" he exclaimed in surprise before carefully examining his terrible handwriting to discover it was true. "Then, I'll immediately correct it... Because I don't really have anything else to do…"

Once the correction was done, John eyed his work with perplexity "I guess now you know what I do with my life…" he mused with a joyless smirk.

"You know, it wasn't very hard to guess just by looking at what you wear…" responded Starlight, going to sit down on a small cushion near a cozy campfire she had set up.

"That's a point." admitted John, rejoining her near the fire though leaving a safe distance between them.

"Yeah, I don't want a second Lyra…"

Having these thoughts, he immediately looked around for any signs of the mint unicorn. To his relief, there were none.

Suddenly, a question snapped him out of his paranoia "And why aren't you using them?"

"What?" he confusedly asked, turning his gaze back to Starlight.

"The artifacts. You seem to have quite a lot of them. You should be able to do some quite powerful magic with what you got." she clarified, pointing a hoof towards the jewels on John's body.

"Oh, that…" he sighed, taking one into his hand and looking at it with disappointment "I can't… They just don't work on me."

"Huh, that's inconvenient…" Starlight exclaimed shrugging. After a second however, an idea came to her mind "You could perhaps give them to me then."

John however didn't seem to like the idea that much "What about no?"

Although letting out a disappointed "Oh…" Starlight wasn't intending to give up that fast "Why do you even keep them? Isn't this just a big bunch of junk that slows your movement?"

John seemed pensive, contemplatively eyeing the air "An aesthetic choice, I'd say." he shrugged, causing the artifacts to loudly clang.

"Interesting aesthetic, to say the least…" slowly declared Starlight, now eyeing the fire in contemplation.

John was starting to get eager for a change of topic "Besides, what if you stop trying to rob me of my hard work and… not do it… instead…" he proposed imitating Starlight in her observation of the flames.

"Alright then…" she conceded with a small smile. The smile however, quickly evolved into a yawn as she tiredly proclaimed "I was starting to get quite sleepy anyway."

Suddenly, John remembered something "Oh, before that, can you please cast some spell or something to prevent Luna from seeing my dreams?" he rapidly asked, looking for the Moon through the thick cover of entangled branches above "Last time, she was the one who got the closest to killing me… I wouldn't want to reiterate that…" he explained.

"If you want… It's actually quite easy." agreed Starlight, setting her horn alight. All of a sudden, she steadied herself and asked "Oh, and what's your name by the way?"

"Yeah, perfect timing for this question."

"John." replied John.

"Hmm… quite a weird name…" mused the other before slowly lying down on her cushion, ready to sleep "Good night."

"Same."

"Thought I said I didn't want to sleep. Guess I was wrong… Anyway, let's see how the dreamscape goes in this universe…"

Lying on the ground —because the cushion was obviously only big enough for his head— John shifted to get into a better position. Heavily yawning, it wasn't long before his tired brain returned to normal sleep for the first time in two thousand years.

"Citizens of Utopia, this is an informational message to inform you that your country is lying to you. It would rather qualify as a dystopia! This completely informational message also informs you that you are warmly invited to surrender!"

What the fuck is this? What's happening?

Why is everyone running? Where am I even?

"Evacuate! Evacuate! All tops to the shelters! Evacuate! We are under attack!"

Tops… I think I've heard something about tops earlier, but where?

Oh my god, what is this thing in the sky!

And it's getting bigger, I don't want to get killed by some weird portal in the sky!

Wait, tops? Everything around is made of tops.

"This is a last warning, get into the shelters or your safety is no longer responsibility of the Utopian state!"

"They're attacking! The potatoes are invading! They come from the sky!"

Potatoes… Tops… This is getting more and more nonsensical as it goes…

Wait, from the sky? Oh fuck, they're right. Potatoes are falling from those big-ass portals, what the fuck?!

And they have guns too, is this a war of some sort?

"Prepare to die pitiful tops, your time here is over!"

Yep. It's definitely a war between potatoes and tops…

I don't quite know why, but I'm slowly starting to suspect that all this might be dream…

Oh fuck, bullets. They're shooting. I probably should have gotten into those shelters when I still could. Better take cover now.

Wait, what's that in the sky again, a plane of some sort?

"For the glory of the Utopian Empire! Die potatoes! All hail the Great Destop!"

Gosh, now it crashed right into the potato army in a big-ass explosion. There's potato juice and burnt plastic everywhere!

And what is this abomination?

"By the greatness of the Free Potato Republic, I declare this land here conquered!"

It's like a fucking mech but made out of potatoes. And there's some kind of general up there. A potato general that is.

"Never! You'll never win this! Filthy potatoes!"

"GRENADE!"

Fucking hell, they got it! That grenade got it! The mech is falling down!

Wait… Noooooooooo. It's falling on me…

Well then, goodbye cruel…

"…world." mumbled John slowly emerging from his agitated night of sleep.

Author's Note

Back from the internet-less wasteland, I can finally regain some semblance of regularity. In addition, there I had the time to write several chapters in advance that I will now post at a rate of one per weekend.

So... I don't know, I hope that people still read this.