A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Groaning and stretching John slowly opened his eyes, still slightly blinded by the morning Sun.

"Fuck… It's been ages since my dreams were as normal…

"Now that I think about it, I don't even really remember what it was about… Good."

Getting into an upright position, he looked around rubbing his sleepy eyes.

"Well, that's interesting.

"Firstly, there's no one around, which is generally a good thing.

"But then, there isn't really anything at all left in this clearing, which is… well, slightly less of a good thing.

"Like, I get and even like the idea of leaving while I'm asleep but taking everything with you…

"She even took my cushion! That explains the slight taste of grass in my mouth…" he finally grumbled spitting some vegetal bits in disgust.

All of a sudden, the sight of something pinkish caught John's attention in the middle of the, now almost empty, clearing.

"Wait, what's that over there? Some kind of magical post-it?" John wondered, slowly approaching the unidentified flying object. As he got close enough to see it in details, the theory seemed to be correct.

"Wait, it really is a magical post-it?... Ah, why am I even surprised anymore."

Catching the enchanted paper with his hand, John eyed it with perplexity.

"Well that's great. I'm alone again!" he exclaimed.

"Also, her writing really looks like someone just typed that on a PC... Well, I guess it's magic and shit." thinking that, he suddenly noticed there was something else written on the back of the paper.

After reading these lines, John immediately looked at his jewels with great worry. After a quick inspection however, it was to his relief that he discovered they were indeed all still there.

"I really wonder how she managed to fail at that…

"Anyway, I should probably stop wondering and start going somewhere." he declared, steadying himself and looking at the forest with a resolute frown.

A second later however, his resolve slightly decreased "Where though?..."

Then, it swiftly came back "Eh… I don't even care anymore! Pure luck and plot convenience seem to be working way better than my orientation.

"So… I guess, this direction seems OK!" exclaimed John, plunging right into the thick forest at one side of the clearing.

"Ah… What can I do now? Great question actually…" he mused, observing the thick underbrush of the Everfree Forest.

"Steal the artifacts a second time? Is there a point to that? I guess not more than there was in stealing them once.

"Like, they don't work anyway! Well except maybe the Amulet.

"Yeah, I can get behind stealing a second Amulet just to have two layers of smoke in my eyes. They'll even be of different colors, how cool is that!

"Yeah, great plan!" he finally concluded, before suddenly coming to a stop in the middle of another —this time natural— clearing.

"Wait, I know this place… Yeah… The trees and shit, it's all here.

"You've led me to the Fallen Star, didn't you?

"Like, if I just try digging over here…" he started, taking one of the Elements of Harmony off and using it as an improvised shovel "Yep, it's definitely here."

After only a few seconds, here it was. The Fallen Star. The purple jewel shone even brighter than the Sun, magically reflecting the latter's warm rays. And yet beneath all its otherworldly beauty, something deadly lied in wait to be freed.

"Wow. Love it when I don't even need to travel through all the country for several days to get possessed by an evil deity." John declared, with a sarcastic smirk.

After taking the accursed Star into his hand however, doubt struck him "So… Should I really put this thing on?

"Well, of course not! My experience with being possessed was, let's say, not the best… And I only arrived into this world a day ago so it would be a shame to see it obliterated. Also, this Cosmic Chaos really isn't the best in terms of character, so…"

Hesitant, he slowly spun the Star in his hand, still firmly fixing it "But then… will I put it on?

"Of course, I will! Who am I, a careful individual with complex planning and a good vision of consequences or a complete idiot? The latter obviously! So, let's get prepared to have my body controlled by a sassy cosmic goddess!"

Taking this unwise decision John just looked at the stone for a last time before lightly putting it on over the rest of his trinkets.

And then, there was…

"Nope! No fading into darkness for you this time!" he exclaimed, as if trying and failing to interrupt an inaudible voice.

"Fuck, what's happening with my eyes though?" he worriedly asked, rubbing the latter with great intensity "It's like the smoke just increased tenfold while becoming purple!"

"Ugh, my vision's so weird…"

"Finally awake! Ah, I knew those mortals wouldn't be able to resist!" said an unearthly voice from somewhere within John's mind.

"Wait, I'm still here." confusedly remarked John, still trying to understand what really went on with his sight.

The voice now came from John's mouth, moving his lips despite his will "Well that's not for long my dear. Your mind will soon be mine…"

"Ugh, that's fucking weird…"

"And what if I disagree?" he exclaimed, putting great effort into controlling his mouth "You know I already was possessed not so long ago and I ain't planning on repeating the experience!"

"Quiet now. Just give in and be mine." responded the voice, taking back control.

"No."

"Well that's weird… It doesn't work." the words resonated in John's mind.

"Hmm… That's weird, I can hear your thoughts…" he mused with confusion before sheepishly adding "Can you hear mine too?"

"Hey, Cosmic Chaos can you hear this?"

"Yes… But soon I won't need to." responded the other, her cold, domineering tone robbing John of all motivation to experiment further.

"He knows my name… Perhaps Discord's attempts to hide me weren't so thorough as they seemed…"

This whole partial possession was really starting to become annoying "Firstly, I've heard that too and secondly can you please cease controlling my lips and talk in my mind instead? It's just that it's extremely weird." John suggested forcing a pleading smile on his face, but to no avail.

"Argh… Why am I so weak?!" finally snapped Cosmic Chaos producing the feeble semblance of a draconic roar through John's unprepared vocal cords.

After heavily coughing due to the roar, John faintly declared "Well that's not my problem." then continuing with his pleas added "Couldn't you have said that in my mind? You know, it really is easier for the both of us."

Feeling a great power struggling in his mind, John soon felt another booming shout "Argh… You know how awful it feels to be trapped in these stupid Stars for millennia just to have you of all creatures finally find one of them?!" this time however, his lips remained still.

Although slightly stunned by the outburst, John still found the strength to answer "Firstly, thank you for talking in my mind! Secondly, hey I'm not that bad!"

"Also, that's weird, it's like there's a difference between when you talk in my mind and when you think… Is it the same for you?"

Completely ignoring John's internal question, Cosmic Chaos just continued her complaints "Not that bad…" she furiously repeated "You don't even have enough power to eat an apple if your stupid memories are correct! And now, I can't even fully take control of your brainless mind, what is there worse than that!"

"Oh, you can read my memories too? That's interesting. But first, let's make it clear, I could just put you back into the ground for some more millennia, you know. Could even hide you better if you want."

"Ugh… I guess there is worse."

"Anyway, what if I propose you a deal?" welcomingly suggested John with a weak smile.

"What exactly can such weakling as you offer?" retorted the voice, sending chills down his spine.

"I don't know, maybe the possibility to actually move and do things! Like, I'm even willing to find your other parts as I go! I think that's better than lying on the ground, trapped in this Star."

"You may have a point… I'm listening, mortal."

"Yeah, yeah… Well, now that you know my part of the deal, let's get to yours." John started, putting his hands together in a corporate way and staring at the air before him as if it was carefully listening to his offer "So, you do still have some power, right?" he asked swiftly after, maintaining his stance.

"Watch." the single word boomed through John's mind as an explosion. And as it did, he felt his head violently turned towards a seemingly ordinary flower.

A second later, to John's horror, the flower lost all its ordinariness. First, it started unnaturally shifting, as if coming alive. Then, with a loud hiss, its vegetal cover rapidly melted, the burned interior becoming a blackish mass. The smell of burned flesh filled the air as the mass started restlessly evolving, its goo-like structure taking unsettling forms.

Finally, it seemed to solidify becoming a miniature gaping maw alike to that of a monstrous shark or crocodile but with thousands and thousands of dagger-like teeth.

Just a second after its sudden transformation, the menacing mouth snapped closed and avidly devoured a bypassing butterfly with loud chomps.

Unnerved by this demonstration, John slowly declared "Oh. You do sill have power…"

"Well, apparently, that's not enough to possess your mortally weak psyche…" grumbled the voice, shaking his skull.

Ignoring that while still staring at the transformed flower, John slowly regained countenance "So, what if I keep you like that and you, in exchange, help me when I ask you?"

"It seems like a fair deal…" grudgingly agreed the voice.

"I never liked fair deals…"

"Well that's your problem." he nonchalantly concluded, starting to slowly walk in the direction opposite to that of the flower while wincing to adapt to his new, slightly misty, eyesight.

"Yeah, that's a weird thing too. My eyes are all covered in that purple smoke. It's not as bad as how the Amulet at first felt though… Wait…"

"…Another question. Since you're kinda part of my mind now, do you hear the narrator?" he suddenly asked, eyeing the nearest trees as if they would give him the answer.

"Well, of course I do. He is actually closely linked to the magic of a Draconequus —which I am, if you didn't know. We influence him with our will, that's all. But it's probably still too much to whelm for such a pitiful creature as you…"

"Let's just give you another example." declared Cosmic Chaos, talking through John's lips once again "When I want to transform this grass into a swarming pile of eldritch tentacles with all-devouring jaws in their middle, I just do that." she continued, ignoring John's attempts to control his body and instead forcing him to turn his head in the direction of said grass.

"Stop talking through my lips I said!"

Still struggling and failing to move freely, John looked at the grass nonetheless. Before his eyes, the latter endured a fate similar to that of the flower. First, melting, then reforming into a new, monstrous shape: that of a pile of swarming tentacles with a crown-like gaping maw hungrily open on their top.

Finally feeling Chaos' hold loosen John sighed in tainted relief "Ugh… you do like gaping maws, do you?"

The response now came from his mind again "Well, that and tentacles. I always felt like this boring world really would gain a lot if it had more of these… Mortals always seemed to disagree though. Not that I ever cared for them…"

Pensively eyeing the eldritch creation near him John mused "I wouldn't completely disagree with that. This world could probably use some more edginess."

"Oh, really? Because I'm starting to get bored of your weak, mind-numbing figure. I think you would use some more eldritch traits too…" the words were now accompanied with a strange feeling in one of John's arms.

"Wait, what? No! I'm alright like that!" he uttered before coming to a panicked stop near a particularly gnarled oak.

It was however, too late. Wildly staring at his left arm, he felt his skin crawling. Literally crawling. It moved on its own, as if countless putrid creatures swarmed underneath it. Then, in several places it burst, revealing the bloody flesh beneath in a manner as painful as it was nauseating.

"AAAAAAAAH! Fuck, it hurts! It's way worse than turning into a demon!"

Rapidly, the flesh too melted, consumed by an unknown blight. And through its morbid holes could be seen a new flesh, a new skin. A much darker and murkier one.

A second later it all ended in a last, particularly violent burst of gore that splattered on the nearing trees, giving the place an atmosphere even darker than in the very Heart of the Everfree Forest.

As he finally opened his eyes and suppressed the gruesome images from his mind, the sight that met him wasn't so much better. Instead of his arm was now giant tentacle alike to that of an octopus.

"No! Give me my arm back!" John immediately cried out, staring at his new limb while trying to move it around without much success.

"And why would I?" sardonically asked the other.

"Oh… why are mortals always so unloving of change…"

Still striving to control his arm John inadvertently touched his leg with its viscous surface before wincing in disgust "Well, there's change and there's that!" he heatedly retorted "That's not useful, how can I grab something with this thing or worse, how can I scratch myself with it!"

"Pff… And I thought you were at least somewhat on my artistic level… Ungrateful mortal…"

Finally managing to straighten the tentacle, John held it the farthest from the rest of his body as possible "Stop insulting me and give me my arm back!" he angrily commanded "I could leave you there if you don't!"

"And so? By leaving me there you'll stay like this forever. Do you accept my present after all?"

John just sighed "You know, I could live with a tentacle in place of an arm. For you however… Some more years in your prison probably won't be as pleasant."

After a weak annoyed roar Cosmic Chaos conceded "Alright… You win."

"For now…"

When he heard these last words, John immediately looked at his tentacle-turned arm in anticipation without giving them a second though.

As he did however, the latter immediately fell off, torn from its place by an unknown force. As he winced in pain, the limb still morbidly shifted of the grassy soil. After he managed to open his eyes one more, John's horrified gaze immediately fell on the place where his arm once was.

There, something new started emerging. A new, different arm. It grew, first as a bony twig, then as bloody and fleshy tree and finally as an actual limb.

Developing quickly, furlike feathers and draconian scales soon recovered its meaty surface. It was however no ordinary arm. It was the front leg of a Draconequus.

"Ugh… I guess it's an arm." sighed John at the sight of his new limb.

Just a second later however, the now enthusiastic voice of Cosmic Chaos boomed through his brain once more "Better! It's an improvement! Isn't this amazing limb better than your previous furless appendage? It even has claws, very practical for scratching your back… or lacerating your foes…"

"Yeah, yeah… I would have preferred my old arm, but I fear getting something even worse than that tentacle instead… And then, I guess having bizarre limbs is quite edgy too so… You win for now." John conceded, resuming his motion through the forest and hastily leaving the gore-covered oak behind.

"I don't have any mana left anyway… My magic is still quite weak…"

"Sadly…"

Maneuvering through the thick woods while carefully examining his left arm John exclaimed "And I hope it stays that way, because I still hold to my mundane body!"

"Well, that's your problem…"

A thick, sulking silence settled at this bitter declaration. Unsurprisingly however, it wasn't long before John carelessly broke it.

"So" he started, putting his new hand on a tree for support but accidentally plunging its claws into the thick bark "Now that you finished defacing me, let's actually do something useful." he suggested, before noticing he was stuck and trying to dislodge the claws from their prison.

"Well then… What would such powerless creature as you consider as something useful?" mockingly asked the other, seeing John's struggle.

"Steal a relic of infinite power." confidently declared the human once his stuck claws finally got loose, letting him continue his path through the Everfree.

"Ah… those feeble mortals with their quest for godhood. It's never fruitful and yet so entertaining to watch.

"But even more entertaining is to destroy them… Sadly I can't do that right now…"

"You know what, cosmic deity of, once infinite, power?" John bitterly started with a sigh "You can call me a feeble mortal as much as you want but right now, I'm really your best chance to actually come back to power.

"So, I suggest you should insult me slightly less and help me slightly more." he concluded, struggling to traverse an exceptionally thick and spiky bush "To get through this thing for example!"

"We'll see about that…"

Now starting to get stuck in the bush, John was trying to use his new hand as a tool to clean his path up a bit but without any conclusive results "Hey, you know I have more power on me than you right now?" he frustratedly exclaimed, the trinkets on him loudly clanging as if to prove his point.

"Yeah, on you, not in you. It's like using a blackhole as a lava lamp: it looks nice, but could have been more useful elsewhere!"

"Man, this isn't just a bush it's a fucking prison… Could have at least tried destroying it for me…"

"Besides, I may not know a lot about the practical usage of blackholes" John admitted, concurrently wondering about how one would help him in the current situation "But what I know is that the fact I have these artifacts on me is already more than most people do!"

"Pff, you're ludicrous…"

"Well that's my problem…" grumbled John, finally exiting the bush and annoyedly kicking a small rock that conveniently lied just next to it.

Less conveniently however, the rock happened to be part of a much larger buried whole, which caused it to stay immobile while forcing John to produce a pained yelp and vexedly rub his hurt foot.

"Fuck you, narrator!" he cried out swiftly after.

"Pff… It seems he has been doing such things to you pretty often…"

"A common faith for mortals."

"And you, stop reading my memories! I know you're doing it!" he angrily added, now jumping over a muddy puddle with the dexterity of a dead cow.

"I didn't get too far anyway. Was forced to stop due to some… rather disturbing images…"

At these words, a dumb yet content smirk appeared on John's face "Huh… Never thought I'd have a cosmic goddess reading my internet search history…" he cynically declared "Don't know whether I should feel flattered or ashamed…"

"How does your race even look at such imagery without vomiting. And then why? Can't you just f…" the voice in John's head ceased midsentence as he hastily removed the Fallen Star from his neck, putting it into a pocket.

"Phew… Can't bare her anymore…

"God, why are cosmic deities always so aloof?...

"Well maybe it's because they're cosmic deities…

"Can you imagine, I was so busy arguing with her, I didn't even have the time to fully emphasize how weird the purple smoke thing in my eyes really was.

"Anyway, now that it's gone and I'm finally alone, what if I try to… well orientate myself.

"Great. We're back to that. I hope I won't need your help again.

"But then, I think I remember this tree… or that one." he mumbled, inspecting the nearest trunks and branches with contemplation.

"Hmm… maybe I'm not too far from my starting point right now." he finally concluded, noticing a footprint that could have only been created by a human's shoe.

Then, other footprints caught his attention "Wait, this means I'm not too far from Timberwolves and a Manticore. Better stay quiet…"