A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Standing just several feet away from the supposedly original clearing, John carefully looked around.

"Fuck, this place isn't associated with the best memories…

"I mean, it's still quite a historic moment to be sure: the first time you tried to kill me…

"Ah… the good old times…"

Suddenly, he realized something "Except it's actually not that clearing… I'm in a new world, there wouldn't be any footprints…

"I'm just going in circles…" he concluded, following the direction of the footsteps with his sight "Well that's stupid!" he cried out in frustration.

After a second however, yet another realization struck him "This doesn't remove the risk of Manticore though.

"And it seems I already wasn't completely alone." he finally added eyeing the giant footsteps next to his own with great worry.

Then, a monstrous roar, shaking the trees and chilling the blood in his veins reached John's ears, coming from somewhere behind him.

"No…"

Slowly turning to face the beast however, John discovered nothing but a small innocent bunny, peacefully eating some forest herbs.

"What?" was his first and completely comprehensible reaction

Then came another reaction "Wait, it's not that thing from the Monty Python, is it?" he shakenly added, confusion turning to panic.

A second later however, a gargantuan maw plummeted on the bunny, consuming it whole, while crushing all of John's freaked out theories.

Slowly lifting his eyes to where the sky would have normally been, John saw what could only be identified as the terrifying maw of an exceptionally gigantic manticore, avidly chewing its meager prey.

Only pronouncing a trepid "Fuck…" John immediately bolted as far from the creature as he could.

The latter however wasn't incline to let its main meal escape. Swallowing the bunny and producing another deafening roar, it lunged after the human.

"Fucking hell… Why can't you kill me slightly more peacefully…" John exclaimed continuing to run amidst the trees while constantly panickily glancing back.

Meanwhile, the Manticore quickly approached, each of its monumental leaps stretching to more than a dozen feet and sometimes effortlessly uprooting several trees in its wake.

"Fuck, last time trees helped…

"Maybe I should try hiding on one." John wondered, but noticing the quickly nearing beast immediately dropped his attempts at climbing.

"Hey, narrator! Help me maybe?!"

In the ruthless forest, it seemed nothing would aid John in his escape… And indeed, nothing did, instead it forced him to fall face first into the dirt, as he stumbled on a root.

"This isn't helping!"

As John hastily got up and cleaned his eyes, there was no more point in trying to escape. The beast now circled him, playing with its terrified prey before the ultimate lunge.

"Great… Well then, there isn't anything other left to do I guess." John sighed, concurrently spitting some dirt. Plunging a hand into his pocket, he hastily got the Fallen Star out of it. After a quick glance at its shining surface, he swiftly put it on, returning his sight to the Manticore.

In an instant, the purple mist submerged John's vision once again, fleeing from his orbits as smoke from a chimney. Meanwhile, the annoyed voice of a certain cosmic deity also returned, reappearing as if it was never gone.

It started by finishing its interrupted sentence "…east upon the souls of the innocents?"

"What?"

Then, realizing what just occurred, immediately took control over John's left arm, giving his face a painful clawed slap.

"Ungrateful mortal, how dare you?!" it uttered, the sound resounding through John's mind way louder and more impressively than any Manticores.

Wincing in pain while rubbing his hurt cheek with his other arm, John immediately protested "Stop! Now is not the time for that, I'm going to fucking die!"

Meanwhile, the Manticore had stopped for a second, confusedly observing its prey's curious behavior.

Noticing that, John let out a small sigh of relief "Good." before suddenly receiving another slap, now with his normal hand.

"Stop it!" he immediately cried out afterwards, crossing his arms and holding one with the other to prevent any further slapping "Deal with that Manticore instead!"

"Why would I do that if you just break your own deal so lightly?" harshly replied Cosmic Chaos, now taking control of John's mouth.

"Well… Ugh… I promise, I won't do it ever again!" desperately swore the human seeing the Manticore snapping out of its short confusion and baring its sharp fangs in a menacing hiss.

"What are your pitiful promises worth…" retorted the other in a tone so harsh, it hurt John's throat.

"Well… My life in this case. And your relative freedom too!" he quickly answered incessantly following the beast with his gaze.

"Argh… It always comes back to that. Such a malicious tactic…" grumbled Cosmic Chaos frustratedly hissing in a way that human lungs clearly weren't supposed to replicate.

"That's kinda the type of practice you should stand for" argued John after a quick cough "So, help me goddammit!"

Feeling great confusion surge in his mind, John could already expect a heated response "How can you know that?" the question angrily burst from his throat.

"Save me first and you'll know the answer." he simply replied, then, realizing the slight flaw of this bargain, added "Or just read my memories till the end… But save me anyway!"

The Manticore was starting to have enough of its unusual prey. About a minute already passed as the gargantuan creature curiously observed its agitated movements and listened to its unimposing screams. Now ready to end the observation, the beast braced itself for an ultimate lunge.

"Act already! Fucking hell!" uttered John, now panickily waving his hands.

"Ugh… So impatient… Quite a common trait for such powerless mortals…" at these words, a purple haze suddenly immerged from the soil under the Manticore's paws.

Confused, the beast tried to free itself from this haze but to no avail. It seemed to stick to its body as thick resin.

After a second, the strange haze started converging on one of the creature's front paws, leaving it even more bewildered.

Trying to eliminate the unidentified vapor, the Manticore started maniacally biting the air in its location. After several seconds, a pained roar resounded through the Everfree Forest. Perhaps it had bitten itself, or perhaps the mists effects took hold.

Indeed, it was progressively getting thicker and thicker, so thick even that the paw's traits could no longer be distinguished. A second later it vanished, as if sucked into the paw.

The paw was however not a paw anymore. Emerging from the mist was a fat and murky tentacle.

Eyeing its new limb, first with confusion, then with wrath, it wasn't long before the Manticore started furiously biting it, tearing great chunks of its slimy flesh. Sometimes it stopped for a second, maybe realizing the futility of its actions or just overwhelmed by the pain it was causing itself. But such pauses never lasted long.

"See! I'm not the only one to dislike the idea of tentacles for arms!" triumphantly declared John before receiving yet another slap.

Now holding his pained face with both hands, he much less triumphantly implored "Please stop. I'm sorry for removing the Star. I won't do it again."

"Because if you do, I will be the one to personally murder you…" ruthlessly declared Cosmic Chaos, ripping John's arms from his face and speaking through his mouth.

"Now that that's hopefully settled, can you come back to speaking in my mind?" John weakly added.

"Ugh… Fine."

After a faint "Thank you." followed by a much less faint "Shut up narrator!" John confidently left the clearing, not even giving the struggling Manticore a last glance.

"Well now, you already saved my life." he sighed, making his way through the forest with the sole intention of getting the further away possible from the suffering beast "I won't forget that."

After a second, the response came in the form of a mocking voice within his thoughts "Pff…You do seem to forget quite a lot. Your memories are ridden with holes."

"Well that's much more the problem of the human race in general." John explained with an apologetic sigh. Then, however, a small smirk came back to his face as he sheepishly suggested "Anyway, let's say I won't forget it till in two days, does that sound like a more realistic promise?"

Ignoring this proposition, Cosmic Chaos just went on with her examination of John's memories "Well, about the human race. Are you really telling me that there's a whole other universe that watches this one as some kind of twisted reality show? I should definitely pay them a visit…"

At these words, a content smile stretched upon John's face "If you didn't notice, I'm not telling you anything." he simply said "You're the one to be scanning my mind."

"It's indeed usually quite a reliable source of information…"

Now that his life was no longer in danger and his hands ceased slapping his face, John finally felt in a good mood "You know what I just realized?" he cheerfully asked "There is one big advantage you have over every other living being I've encountered so far: I don't need to explain anything to you!"

"God, it's so much easier!" he exclaimed with a relief-filled voice that spread through the woods, covering even the pained wails of the struggling Manticore somewhere behind "I'd be so happy if everyone could just read my mind and… no actually it wouldn't be that great…"

"Huh, you don't need a lot to be happy…" remarked Cosmic Chaos, feeling the human's bliss. Then, she suddenly paused, as if bewildered by what she discovered in her inspection of the memories.

"Did you find the homework folder?" John immediately quizzed; voice filled with not-so-childish anticipation.

Snapping out of her stupor, but still slightly pensive Cosmic Chaos confirmed this theory "Well, exactly." But not really in the way he was expecting "Never understood why mortals needed such incomprehensible education. It doesn't even teach how to burn a village or massacre innocents, what's the point to that?"

"Oh, that homework folder…" John sighed, all playfulness turning to disappointment "God, why can't you just find the porn already so that my shitty jokes don't fall flat…"

"Hah, you thought I'd be shocked by that?" mockingly asked the other, John feeling a wide smirk stretch across her nonexistent face "Ludicrous, the universe sees so much worse…"

"Or better, depending on how you put it."

"Well, I'm still disappointed." he grumbled, shrugging and bringing his thwarted sight to the grassy ground he walked upon.

"And, that's your problem."

"Indeed." he agreed, continuing his observation of the forest floor "However, there's currently a problem that we both share: the narrator."

"Don't you think he talks too much without purpose?" he then asked, now dubitatively eyeing the air as a small flock of colorful birds slowly flew through it, filling the forest with their cheerful chirps.

"Well, that's somewhat his job." truthfully argued the other "But then, I can agree that he's been particularly vain lately."

"So…" John started, observing the birds disappear behind the green foliage above, their chants remaining audible nonetheless "Can't you… uhm… turn him off?"

Cosmic Chaos wasn't completely sure "That's quite an interesting idea." she mused, concurrently forcing one of the birds to have a heart attack and fall tumbling through the forest "You know, now that I hear him through your ears it's really starting to get quite annoying… Well then, yes, let's just…"

A wasteland. Barren and lifeless. Covered in ashes that has seen the rise of an evil, its rein and its devastating defeat. An endless world of nothing.

But as all worlds, even this one had a king… or rather a Prince.

Slightly lifting his tired head from the dusty ground that now served as his royal bed, Background Pony Number 377 exultantly mumbled "It is now time for the Prince of Nothing to end his regal nap and rise to his royal occupations…"

After a second however, a realization struck him "Wait, I'm not nothing so technically, I have no sovereignty over myself…"

"Yeah… I'll sleep some more…" he decided, putting his head back down and closing his eyes in the anticipation of the sweet slumber.

Left alone in this place he could solemnly exercise his rule over the whole of this ashen land. After all, he was a Prince of Nothing in a world of nothing, is there a better fate?...

"Hell, I hate my life…"

It was less than a day ago that the last other living being had left the grounds of this realm, traversing a mysterious portal leading to some, much less empty, reality and now, all was calm.

So calm even, that not the slightest vibration, not the faintest gust of playful wind traversed the lifeless planes of this realm.

A deafening calm. A blinding and mind-numbing display of inaction…

Not a single event in the whole of this land…

…

…

…

…

All of a sudden, the Prince of Nothing moved lightly in his sleep, shifting a leg less than an inch to the side. The movement caused a small cloud of blackish dust to burst of the lifeless ground. However, the latter immediately settled on its previous place due to the complete lack of wind or other atmospheric movement.

And the calm returned…

…

…

…

…

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nada.

Absolute zero.

The total lack of anything.

The complete absence of action and reaction.

The utter dearth of events.

A presence-less nothing where things are absent.

A nonentity so pure and unaltered that it doesn't even exist.

Long, unending hours that stretch like millennia, seeing but the peaceful and unmoving sleep of one single creature.

An unending and yet so brief eternity filled with nothing but nothing…

…

…

Suddenly, as if bursting through this complete void of happenings, annihilating this nonexistent nihilism into its inbeing shreds, a movement. The long-awaited awakening of the regal ruler of this desert land: The Prince of Nothing opened an eye.

Stretching his unfit muscles with a grace only familiar to the greatest leaders, he slowly mumbled "Fuck, I'm so tired of sleeping…"

"Should maybe take a nap next for a change." he mused eyeing his unending wasteland of a kingdom with boredom.

"What shitty fate I have…" he regretfully sighed, the small gust of his breath making some of the immobile dust disperse in a miniature cloud "The fate to rule over the most inexistent aspect of nature… To rule over this empty world." he concluded with a hint of apathy.

Then, steadying a bit, he tried reassuring himself "Well, I guess there can't be anything without nothing… And there can't be nothing without somepony to rule it."

Taking a panoramic glance around he asked a question destined to nothing but himself "Like, imagine how disorganized this place would be if I wasn't here?" then, answered it, even slightly smiling with a tinge of enthusiasm "Huh, complete chaos!"

A surge of pride ran through his mind "Ah, there's still something satisfying in seeing a job well done." he concluded with a small determined frown "And I really feel like I'm great at mine so far."

After slowly shifting his gaze skywards, he weakly proclaimed "Oh, the void… When I look at this smoke-covered sky, the only thing that comes to my mind is… nothing." then, bringing his gaze back to the earth added "Same for this ashen soil…"

Contemplation in his eyes, Background Pony Number 377 heavily sighed "Immortality can be such a curse…".

A second later however, his expression turned much more content "I'm so glad it isn't one for me."

Meditatively sliding a hoof through the dust, he asked himself a very important question "After all, is there something I like doing more than nothing?" immediately, he answered it, taking no more time than necessary to mull it over "No, nothing… Nothing is better than nothing, I can say that with certainty."

Only spending a second more in reverie, he snapped out of it, determinedly declaring "Well, maybe instead of talking I should return to my royal duties already?"

Then, he slightly less determinedly added "Yep. Return to doing nothing."

Suddenly, he remembered something important "Wait, I almost forgot, I'm still not nothing. So, I can't command myself, it's out of my field of influence." he regretfully said with a thoughtful sigh.

"But at the same time, I kinda tend to agree with my own orders right now so…" he started, arguing with himself in a meaningless debate.

All this was really getting complicated "Ugh… Being a ruler can be so difficult at times…" he finally griped.

After a quick time of reflection however a common agreement seemed to finally emerge "Well, with or without my orders, I think I can approve that taking a nap is a good idea." he decided before lazily lowering his head upon the not-so-comfortable cushion of compacted ash. As a yawn escaped his tired mouth, Background Pony Number 377 was ready to sleep once more.

"Yep, I definitely need to return to my royal duties." he wearily mumbled sinking into a deep slumber as a ship lost forever to a bottomless ocean.

"He's been gone for quite a while, hasn't he? Like, it's nighttime already, how long can he be gone for!"

"Well, I highly doubt that such being as a narrator could leave its masters completely. After all, I didn't even really turn him off as you say, I've just sent him to the most desert place your memories account of."

"I guess there's no need to worry then… But I still tend to."

"Huh, the longer I am with you, the better I realize how awful being a mortal actually is… I always knew it was bad but… Huh, worry… Yet another completely useless emotion to add to the list…"

"Can't disagree with that… Actually, why were we even wondering about the narrator in the first place?"

"Maybe because my powers depend on his presence?"

"Oh, right. Anyway, let's return to our argument, shall we?" proposed John, taking an occupational tone.

"Ah, yes." agreed the other, before suddenly starting to heatedly yell "We've been lost in this godforsaken forest for hours and it's all because of you!"

Not losing his composure, John immediately responded in a much similar tone "Well, I'm not the one telling where to go, you do that!"

"It's not my fault your stupid memories are so incomplete and false!" even inaudible, these words contained much more power than the whole of the world of nothing including its leader "According to them, we shouldn't be too far right now!"

John still wasn't so convinced "Huh, because now I need someone else to be reading my own memories…" he discourteously grumbled.

"Well, I don't know, if you're too incompetent to do it yourself…" retorted Cosmic Chaos, even forcing an exasperated roll of eyes on John's face.

"And now you're blaming me again…" sighed the latter after rapidly blinking in discomfort "Such rudeness."

At this accusation, Cosmic Chaos just snapped "Shut up!" she uttered, wildly stuttering all of John's thoughts "It's your luck we weren't eaten by some woodland creature yet! Because you clearly weren't paying any attention to any of my advice!"

Coming out of the outburst-induced stupor John immediately wanted to respond "Well excuse me, Chaos, but…" he started, preparing to unleash his great expertise in the field of insults before suddenly coming to a stop, listening to the ambient air in bewilderment "Wait, did you hear that?" he asked with a small smile.

The other however, manifestly didn't hear that "What is your mortal mind worried about again?" she harshly inquired instead.

"The narrator, he came back!" John relievedly exclaimed, the sound almost reaching Zecora's ears, as the zebra's hut stood only a few dozens of feet away.

"Oh."

After a small sigh and a pensive glance around, he added "And according to what he said, we were arguing for nothing…"

"Huh… It seems his ramblings weren't as vain after all… It's good he came back then…"

"Indeed… Also, we probably shouldn't have been yelling at each other here…" John finally concluded, even forcing himself to slightly lower his voice.

"Well no one can hear me so it's rather you that should have stayed quiet… But yes…" reluctantly agreed the other, plunging back into her inspection of John's memories with the intent of a closer analysis of this place.