A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

As the gloomy rays of the Moon hardy traversed the thick foliage of the Everfree Forest, a somewhat lost John restlessly wandered in search of Zecora's hut that he knew wasn't far away.

"It's no wonder we couldn't find it, the zebra turned her lights off this time." sighed John, struggling to distinguish something in the dimly lit forest.

"Argh… Your pitiful eyes are so unfit for such nocturnal research…" annoyedly hissed Cosmic Chaos "Let me…" she started, already concentrating her power on John's vision.

"No!" he immediately yelled, interrupting her before anything really had the time to happen "I won't let you do anything else with my body! I'm willing to search a bit more thoroughly, just leave me be as I am!"

"Pff… You're no fun…"

As he winced and blinked in the thick darkness however, John's eyes slowly started to show a strong motivation to remain closed "And can't we just do it tomorrow anyway?" he tiredly asked "Like, it'll be way easier… and I'm starting to get… quite sleepy…" he finally declared with an exhausted yawn.

"No!" immediately retorted the other, forcing John to hold his tired eyes firmly open "You can't just ruin our perfectly crafted plan so lightly!"

"But I… I don't know… I'm just falling asleep…" he replied, slowly sitting down on the ground.

"Stop it!" finally snapped Cosmic Chaos. At these words, a huge cup of coffee appeared right in John's hands. A second later, the hands moved on their own, forcing him to drink it "You need to stay awake!"

Once free from the cup John just confusedly asked "Why do you even care so much? It's not like stealing this Amulet will change something for you."

"Perhaps it won't… or perhaps it will…" mysteriously responded the other.

"Hahaha… I can already imagine this stupid mortal's face when I finally leave him for a more suitable host…"

"You realize I just heard that, right?" John suddenly quizzed, his face displaying a complex mix of confusion, amusement and slight worry. Thanks to the coffee, all sleepiness was now gone.

To that, Cosmic Chaos responded with a thunderous roar that heavily shook John's mind but still wasn't able to exit its boundaries. A heated yell followed swiftly after "Even my thoughts aren't safe! What is this torture? Now, I can't even scheme in peace without this useless mortal hearing me!"

"Well, you already knew that." John simply replied getting up again "Like, what I suggest is that we both don't try betraying each other and work as a team; wouldn't that be a wonderful and mutually beneficial solution?"

"Well you can try doing that on your own…" she grumbled, forcing John to throw the half-filled cup of coffee he was holding on the hard ground, observing it break in small pieces.

"I'll still try throwing the Star on this Zecora that apparently lives here…" and "Huh, completely forgot I was holding that…" simultaneously echoed through John's mind.

This was followed by a shared "Hey, I heard that!"

"Well, I knew you did and I wasn't scheming to betray you!" John immediately retorted, angrily kicking some of the cups remains to unwillingly discover they still contained liquid.

"Can't say the same about myself…" grumbled Cosmic Chaos, forcing John to step into the still wet remains of the coffee cup, unpleasantly dampening his shoe "I guess I'll just openly tell you my schemes from now on then…"

"And what if you don't scheme against me instead?" John frustratedly argued, shaking his foot in desperate attempts to dry it.

After a second however, another interesting thought came to him "Hey, what if I promise you that I will go find another of your Stars next? Would this slightly ensure you of my worth and stop these shitty attempts at betrayal?"

"Perhaps…" irresolutely agreed the other. Then, she harshly added "But I will only truly believe you when the second Star hangs upon your stupid neck… So now shut up and let's steal this godforsaken Amulet already..."

At these words, John felt a gust of force push his body forward. Only producing a small sigh, he obeyed and started walking "Alright… Let's do it, just tell me where to go."

"Right." harshly ordered Cosmic Chaos.

John however didn't move. In fact, he even stopped walking and now just pensively eyed the air "Uh… where is the right again?" he sheepishly asked after a second in thought.

A painful slap gave him the answer "Here! Oh god, I hate you so much!"

Now going in the right direction, John simply answered "Well, know that this feeling isn't mutual." before adding "Anyway, we shouldn't be too far now. I should probably stop talking."

"Yes, shut up already."

In the night, John slowly approached the…

"And you too!"

…

"Ah, that's something I approve! See narrator, there really are times you should shut up and I'm not the only one to be saying that!"

"Argh… I'm starting to miss the cold, silent vacuum of the outer space…"

"And that's your problem. Because now, you aren't alone anymore, and this won't change so soon…"

"Didn't you say you would shut up?"

"Well, no one can hear my thoughts… except you of course."

Nothing but a loud sigh resonated through John's mind as he crawled next to what he assumed could only be a wall of Zecora's hut.

"Because, let me guess… It's actually not?"

"Don't worry, it is… However, I highly recommend you to stop right where you are."

"Why?" John internally quizzed, stopping nonetheless.

"Because." simply replied the other. As she did however, a strange unnatural vibration became perceivable on the normally inert wooden wall.

As John confusedly steeped back, it intensified, even becoming slightly visible.

"What are you doing exactly?" he worriedly asked, observing the wall with great concern.

Instead of an answer, a faint glow ran across the wall's surface. It seemed to draw the likeness of a twisted line, etching its tracing in the tree's exterior.

Meanwhile, the vibration got to its paroxysm. After an exceptionally great throb, the wall separated along the jagged line that had carved itself in its bark. And as it did, enormous sharp teeth became visible in its interior structure.

And so, in place of a plain wall, there stood a toothed doorway, alike to the gaping maw of a wooden titan.

As a final touch, a triumphant "Voilà!" echoed through John's mind.

He, however, eyed the opening with slight amusement "Great. You realize the building had a door though, right?" he internally asked, dubitatively raising an eyebrow.

"Indeed… But I wasn't willing to take the risk of you toppling some cauldrons in your endless clumsiness." grumbled the other before much more cheerfully adding "Also, doesn't this make a nice decoration?"

"Well, it's not my house, I can't really judge... Anyway, so, where's the Amulet in all that mess?" John internally inquired, eyeing the room through the opening and slowly going inside.

"In front of your very eyes my dear…" replied the other, her tone suddenly much sweeter.

Gratefully eyeing the small cloth lying on a crate before him, John didn't give much thought to Zecora's bed that only was several feet away.

Instead, he headed for the cloth.

"Well that's great. You've really thought about everything." he internally exclaimed, feeling a happy smile appear on his face "See, it's not that hard to cooperate!"

"But, of course…" agreed Cosmic Chaos in the most welcoming voice she could master. Then, she suddenly paused as if in thoughts.

"Just get a bit closer to…"

"To it." she quickly added, as if correcting herself "Get a bit closer to it."

"Oh, but you don't need to ask."

However, as John enthusiastically leaned in to take the Amulet, he saw his left arm grab the Fallen Star from his chest. Next, his body violently jerked towards the sleeping Zebra on the side and, simultaneously, the arm threw the accursed jewel towards her.

"I knew it…"

As the Star left John's neck however, Cosmic Chaos' influence quickly faded. And instead of the precise through she had planned, the trinket just immediately fell to the ground, only stopped from touching it by John's other arm that lightly grasped it in the air.

"She's going to be so mad…"

With a sigh, he put the Star in his pocket, returning his gaze to the other accursed artifact in the room.

"But that's not important right now. The second Alicorn Amulet awaits me!"

Lightly removing the small cloth that covered it, John reached for the jewel with an eager hand… before confusedly discovering there was nothing in its place.

"What?"

Straightening, he looked around in confused though.

"Well, it was supposed to be here… But who knows, maybe it's hidden somewhere else in the hut in this universe."

It was then that he noticed a faint glow in one of the drawers on the opposite side of the room.

"Exactly. It could be anywhere in here as far as I know!"

Slowly and carefully making his way through the slightly cluttered room, John successfully managed to step over several rows of pots and alchemical ingredients.

"Hah! I'm better at this than last time!" he triumphantly though, maneuvering around the extinguished fireplace.

However, at this very same second…

"No! Nothing! You aren't doing this!" John exclaimed, as if attempting to interrupt an inaudible orator.

A second later, he realized what he had done "Oh… This wasn't very stealthy, was it?"

Spending no more time in thought, John just recklessly rushed towards the glowing drawer.

"I mean, there's no point in trying anymore…" he sighed, toppling several pots with a clatter that could have woken up the entirety of a small town.

As the drawer entered his reach, John immediately pulled on its handle "I guess I'll just grab it and flee like last time…" he mused, looking inside the container.

To his great disappointment however, instead of the Amulet, inside were strange multicolored pebbles that rapidly shifted, radiating a bizarre rainbow glow.

"Well I guess these rainbow things really have their success." he declared with another deep sigh "That doesn't help me though…"

Hearing some movement behind him, John understood that there was no more time to waste "I'll just look everywhere I can then." he decided, starting to hastily open all drawers, topple all pots and uncover all cloths he could reach.

The Amulet however, remained absent.

All of a sudden, John heard a familiar voice behind him.

"I may not know who are you or even what
But I see you're confused and in deepest though
Let me help your dismay as I may know its cause
You are looking for something, I suppose" slowly enounced Zecora.

"I have terrible plan…"

Now completely losing all hopes to find the jewel normally John turned around to face the zebra "Well, exactly…" he slowly declared, sheepishly closing the nearest drawer "I've heard you possess the Alicorn Amulet. May I have a look?" he warmly asked, putting on the most welcoming smile he could master.

In front of him Zecora stood amidst the John-induced rubble, her face displaying a stern frown. After a second in though, she replied.

"Fuck, that's what I call being fast at writing poems!"

"I no longer have it, it is gone since last year
They call the one who stole it the mint mare
But the further details, I have no way to check
Perhaps you know more about it, just look at your neck"

"Mint mare… Lyra… Oh, that's not good, is it?" was John's first reaction.

Then, he realized he still needed to reply "Uhm… That's unfortunate…" he slowly started, struggling to choose his words "I have nothing to do with it however…" he continued, giving a quick glance in the door's direction.

Instead of an answer, he was met with a sceptic frown.

"I swear this isn't your Amulet!" he quickly exclaimed shifting his gaze to the blackish jewel on his neck "It's… from a different universe!"

Seeing the frown only deepen, he decided there was no more point in trying to explain "Anyway, I'm quite busy right now… So… I need to go." he finally confessed with a forced apologetic smile.

Immediately after, he rushed towards the door with great haste.

Before he could reach it however, he was stopped by a stoic hoof.

"Oh… It's that shit again…"

"Your tale is quite nice; I should let you know
But I want all the truth before you go
You may be no liar, but naught is less sure
So, you'll stay for now, that I can assure" firmly announced the hoof's owner.

It was then that John remembered the exitance of the other door. With a mocking "Nope" he immediately bolted in the direction of the latter. Rapidly traversing its maw-like opening, he didn't turn back, leaving a rather flabbergasted Zecora behind.

"Did she really not see it?" he disbelievingly wondered, now outside "But then, I guess she was already busy enough with me…"

"Anyway, I should probably put the Star on again…" John mumbled, taking several steps away from the house and into the forest "Cosmic Chaos might be useful against Zecora… Or against Lyra…"

Taking the Star out of his pocket, he pensively looked at it before slowly sighing "Please don't slap me…"

Meanwhile, Zecora had slightly regained her composure. Though still confused, her grave figure was now visible, peering into the night through the new maw-like opening in her house.

Noticing that, John quickly put off all his doubts and fears, putting the Star on his neck without further ado.

As the jewel returned to its place, liberating its host in a cloud of purple smoke, two things happened.

Firstly, a furious roar thundered through John's whole body, shaking him with the intensity of a thousand earthquakes. Secondly, in a clattering shank of bending wood and colliding teeth, the maw-like door closed.

As the ruthless jaws of a titanic shark, its top and bottom united, making the whole house vibrate with power and leaving Zecora even more stunned than she was before.

"Stop ruining my plans!" Cosmic Chaos yelled, the words sounding as deafening to John as they were inaudible to anyone else.

"I didn't…" John apologetically started before swiftly blocking an incoming slap from his left hand.

"It's sad I was expecting that…" he declared afterwards. Immediately, a second, unblocked slap reached his face.

"Don't you dare!" resonated through his mind.

"Please, calm down!" he pleaded with a sigh "Everything isn't that bad. You'll have plenty of chances to betray me later… Or you could just stop trying and accept your fate…"

Only receiving a displeased growl in place of a response, John decided to interrupt his attempts at communication.

All of a sudden, he heard a small, almost unperceivable, sound of light hoofsteps upon the forest floor.

"No…"

Panickily glancing in their direction, he saw nothing but darkness.

However, what he couldn't have seen was a pair of invisible eyes that observed him from this very darkness.

"Wait, invisible eyes? That's not good… Who's there?" he unsurely exclaimed, preparing to flee.

"Fuck… I hope it's not Lyra… Don't think running could save me from her now…"

"Well, it seems great minds think alike…" sighed Starlight, coming out of her invisibility.

"Oh, it's you, hi!" John relievedly exclaimed at the mare's sight.

"Hello…" she slowly replied, before continuing "You know, you've really inspired me to try stealing one of these artifacts that you labeled on your plan. This one seemed to be the nearest…"

"An unreformed Starlight with the Alicorn Amulet… This could have been an interesting universe… It's not though.

"Instead we have… Lyra… And that's problematic… and terrifying."

Bringing her gaze to the sky, Starlight looked pensive "But I guess I wasn't the only one to realize that." she concluded, shrugging "I'm too late, right?"

"Well I was too." John suddenly declared with a joyless smirk "It's gone since a year now… Stolen… by… well by someone…"

Letting out a surprised "Oh." Starlight brought her eyes to John.

It was then that she noticed some changes that occurred to the human "Uhm… What happened to you?" she confusedly asked, ogling his Draconequus arm and extremely excessive smoke in the eyes.

"I did!" responded a voice that came from John's mouth and yet manifestly wasn't his own.

"Hey! I completely forgot about you! Don't stay so silent!"

After a second in his thoughts John unhappily added "Yep…" now with his normal voice.

"Uhm… Who?" Starlight immediately quizzed with a confused frown.

"Cosmic Chaos! Universal deity and Draconequus of Malice!" the unknown voice triumphantly proclaimed. Then, slightly less triumphantly, it added "I was defeated millennia ago and trapped in these Stars!" John's hand moved, pointing at a purple jewel that now hang upon his already overloaded neck "And this idiot found one of them…"

As the voice finished its speech, John immediately retorted "Hey, I'm no idiot! And stop talking through my mouth like that, it's uncomfortable!"

"Well I do need to speak to her. How can I do that if she can't hear me?" replied the voice in John's mind "Also, you're an idiot whether you want it or not."

"Ugh… OK… Not for the idiot part though, we'll talk about that later!"

Meanwhile, there was still something Starlight wasn't getting "And where are you exactly?" she hesitantly asked, looking around John for any signs of anyone else.

"Inside." the response came in both voices at the same time.

"What?"

"She possessed me." John proceeded to explain "But not completely. So, it's kinda like schizophrenia except its useful… Sometimes."

"Oh… So, isn't it uhm… uncomfortable?" Starlight hesitantly asked after a small pause.

The response however, didn't come from the one she expected "Oh yes! So uncomfortable! I can't bear him!" theatrically exclaimed Cosmic Chaos.

"Well I'm OK…" later added John with much less fervor.

"In fact, I'm so overwhelmingly upset with this powerless mortal that I would gladly join you instead!" Cosmic Chaos concluded, ignoring John's small incursion.

To these last words, Starlight reacted with a small chuckle "No thanks! I'm fine with being alone in my head." she mockingly declared.

"Hah! You ain't leaving me today!"

It was then that the shriek of an opening door echoed from Zecora's hut's direction. Apparently, her confused stupor couldn't have lasted forever.

Hearing the latter John immediately steadied himself "Well, it's time for me to go! Bye!" he exclaimed.

"Goodbye." simply replied Starlight, becoming invisible once more "I probably shouldn't stay here either."

And as he heard these last words, only giving a small glance in Zecora's direction, John immediately bolted into the forest, running through the woods as fast as he could.