A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

It was already about a minute that John was running through the Everfree Forest. However, without a tangible pursuer at his heels, the motivation to do so was quickly fading.

And likewise, were fading the effects of the caffeine in his veins "Are you sure the caffeine should be in my veins and not the arteries or at least in the capillaries? Like, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it works..."

...

"Anyway, you're just about right, I'm starting to fall asleep again." he added with a yawn, before quickly steadying himself in fear of awakening slap.

This fear was however ungrounded. "Well I don't mind it now…" retorted the voice in his head.

Relievedly coming to a complete stop, John tiredly yawned once more "Great." he mumbled, before suddenly remembering something "Oh, and can you do something to shield me against Luna? I highly doubt she'll appreciate the presence of some unknown thing in the dream realm…"

"Or my presence there for that matter…" added Cosmic Chaos, with a sigh "I'll do it… It's a pretty common measure of protection for cosmic deities that want to stay unnoticed…

"Or for such idiots as you..."

"Also, can you maybe create something like a bed?" John hopefully asked, heavily sitting on a hard log and eyeing it with dissatisfaction.

"Well I could…" Cosmic Chaos agreed in an acquiescent voice, but then she added "Or I could rather transform this log into a giant tentacle that will try to catch you and break your pathetic back. How does that sound?"

With a small sigh and a resolute frown John conceded "OK, I will sleep on the ground."

"Indeed."

"I don't mind it that much anyway." he tiredly added, getting off the log and onto the forest floor with a big yawn.

Setting his head on the pillow of dried mud and grass he was used to since quite a while. It wasn't long since sleep has gotten the best of John. Only slightly shifting, he slowly drifted into the oblivion of sweet slumber.

"Pff, sleep." said Cosmic Chaos, talking through John's, now unoccupied, mouth "It's so boring… I'm glad deities as I don't really feel the need for it…"

"Now though…" she added after a small pause, filled with nothing but the sounds of the nocturnal forest "I should probably join this mortal in his mind… I think we have things to discuss…"

Well, hello again…

What?

Who's there?

Is it potatoes again?

No idiot… It's me Cosmic Chaos…

What? Where are we?

Pff… Wake up already… We're in your dream. It's pretty boring though I must say.

Oh, right…

...

Oh, that's a nice armchair you've got here…

Can I get one too?

Oh, you're so stupid… It's your dream, you can have whatever you want…

Oh, right… I think that's how it works: It is then, that a nice leather armchair appeared next to John.

Ah much better…

By the way, you do look quite nice as a Draconequus.

Huh, drop your pitiful attempts at seduction…

What? No, I'm just trying to make our relations slightly less traitorous…

Well keep trying then…

Ugh… If you don't cooperate…

…

…

Anyway, we can't just stay in silence like that! It's even more awkward then when I do it alone!

Fine…

So… I don't know, shouldn't you have your own dreams?

Huh… It's been a while since I didn't… The cold, dark prison of space doesn't let any dreams slip through its endless barrier.

Oh… That's not cool.

I've never liked dreams anyway…

What's the point?

When you're an omnipotent god, why dream?

I've always liked the dreamscape though.

After all, it's such an interesting place!

Well here, it's quite empty…

Pff, that's your problem. I'm talking in general:

A realm where mortals can feel like gods. A space of endless possibilities where only your mind is the limit…

I never got its point though… What is the utility of such perverse demonstration of godhood to ones that will never reach it?

Never reach it… I don't know, I'm planning to reach it!

Well, good luck with that…

Because to a god, dreams are like reality. A faint, unreal recreation of reality.

Completely useless in sum.

Many gods can live without sleep though…

Yeah, sleeping is quite boring… Imagine the amount of additional time I could have spent stealing artifacts!

Doing nothing useful in sum…

Ugh… And what if I said; time spent finding your other Stars?

Well that's slightly better but still…

What is even the point of your whole adventure, why trying what you know is impossible?

Well firstly, it's not impossible! I'm sure I can get at least something to work!

And secondly… Well I do need something to do...

You know, as here, I can't just spend my days watching a children's show and scrolling through the infinite pages of the Internet in search of mildly interesting content, this seemed like the logical alternative.

Pff…

Hey, one day you'll see! I'll make my shitty plan work!

Sure…

But before that… I need to get a plan…

…

What? What are you looking at, up there?

Uhm… It's just that… Well, I think you should wake up.

What? Didn't I already wake up?

No. You're in a dream, idiot… I'm saying wake up as in wake up.

Ah… And why?

Well… I somewhat have the possibility to see what happens in the normal world and…

What, how can you do that?

You've got eyes…

I don't get it…

Well, while you sleep your eyes aren't used, so, why should I forbid myself to…Well to use them.

Oh… That's gross…

But that's not important, what is, is what I'm currently seeing.

And what is it?

Well, let's say from my point of view, what's happening there is… rather interesting… From yours though… It probably would be quite terrifying…

Wait…

If I say mint mare, what does it evoke?

Fuck…

As his eyes suddenly snapped open, quite an interesting sight met John's gaze.

"I'd rather say terrifying…"

The thick forest that once was around him, now much rather resembled a scorched crater, earth and trees alike melting at the colossal magical power inside.

Because in the crater's middle, surrounded by extreme destruction and floating in a field of pure mana, was Lyra, wearing the Alicorn Amulet.

To John, she was right in front of his eyes, holding him in the air with the same thaumatic field.

Illuminated by the pale lighting of the fading night, a wide, completely maniac grin was frozenly rested upon her eager face. At this very moment, she was pensively observing John's left arm, mumbling something.

"What is this devilry? Why changing such a perfect body… Well, I don't mind… It's not a problem to me, my dear." she slowly murmured, talking to herself. A second later, John felt a feather being torn from his Draconequus arm, he winced at the small spurt of pain, thus bringing Lyra's attention to his face.

"Ah, you're finally awake!" she exclaimed, her grin only stretching wider "It's been so long… Centuries, millennia!"

"And I find it's been quite a nice millennium so far… What's happening now though… Fuck, that's terrifying."

"Well, I don't know… I think this promises to be quite interesting."

While John's head swarmed with thoughts, Lyra continued "So long, since I've been looking for you around the entirety of one, then two different worlds. Since I've been waiting for this moment." with a content sigh she paused, looking John right into the eyes with her wild gaze.

In desperate attempts to free himself, the human tried wildly stirring and moving as a fly caught on a spider's web. This was however to no avail, as in the powerful magical field that held him firmly in place, he didn't even budge an inch. And so, he was, helplessly floating in the air and waiting to discover his fate…

"Well, it's not like I really want to discover it… I already have some ideas… And they aren't, let's say, very enjoyable …"

Suddenly Lyra resumed talking "Look, I've even got a present for you!" she cheerfully declared, taking the Alicorn Amulet off for a split second.

"Wait, I may have an opening…"

As the jewel left her neck, the magical field around the crater greatly reduced. John even felt himself freefalling for a split second.

"That's my chance!" he panickily thought, actually managing to move.

It all didn't last long however, as Lyra immediately put the Amulet on again, reenergizing her magic, and thus, making the thaumatic field instantly reappear.

"Fuck…"

"Well let's begin then." Lyra exultantly declared, once the Amulet returned to its place

"Ah, this is becoming interesting…"

"First, let's get rid of all this useless junk." she continued as John saw the trinkets on his body encompassed in small magical field.

"Wait, no!" Cosmic Chaos had the time to utter, as all jewels left their place at once, landing somewhere in the crater below.

"Well that's one less thing that could have saved me…"

For the first time in a while John saw the world without any smoke in his vision.

"Wow… I could have spent slightly more time saying how good it is, but I think there's a bigger problem right now.

"Wait, she even removed my Alicorn Amulet? No, that's incoherent with the lore, she can't just do that! Or maybe she can… After all my Amulet has gotten through quite a lot… And she's wearing one too so…

"And again, minor incoherencies are currently really the least of my problems…"

After a thought-filled second on John's side, Lyra continued "But that's not all!" now however, the magical aura enveloped nothing but John's clothes…

"OK, that's really starting to sound like the cheesy beginning of a shitty clop fic… And I don't wanna be part of it…"

In small puff of mint magic, they were gone (the whole situation remaining within the bounds of the family friendly, of course), teleported somewhere in the adjacent air and slowly drifting to the ground. A second later, a content "Ah that's much better…" sent chills down John's spine.

"No narrator, I think that's really starting to get not very legal (I may even dare say not very family friendly)… You should really stop right there, as the criminal scum you are." he desperately thought, even managing a moralizing frown.

It was however to no avail. Instead, he felt himself slowly descending. But unlike before, the thaumatic field holding him stayed constant as it was, still firmly preventing any movements.

Hardly managing to look down, John discovered that underneath the position of his decent was preemptively standing a nice, comfy bed.

"Ugh… You know what's the worst here? I'm pretty sure plenty of people would actually envy my current position… Well, if it interests you, I really don't envy myself right now… So, it would be very nice of you to stop."

As John finally felt the bed's sheets touching his skin, the thaumatic field slightly lightened, letting him unstiffen a bit. Worriedly looking up, he saw Lyra floating in above him, her face displaying complete extasy.

A second later, she softly dropped on him.

"No… No, fucking hell…

"God, that's even worse than last time! I'm completely helpless now! Can't even move!

"What to do, what to do…

"Wait, I may have something that just could work…"

As freaked thoughts panickily swarmed, in John's head, an idea somehow managed to emerge from all this internal chaos. And as Lyra prepared to enjoy herself, pronouncing an elated "Let's begin…" John quickly interrupted her with a "Wait, stop!".

After noticing Lyra's confused glare however, he realized that now, a follow-up was needed. Struggling to find his words, he suddenly spoke in a tone so formal, he would have never imagine being capable of it "I disagree with the terms of this transaction! For the exchange to be fair, it is required for both participants to be completely naked (within the bounds of the family friendly, of course)! Thus, I formally demand you to remove this Amulet!"

Stopping, he gave Lyra the most hopeful smile he could master in the current situation. After a second, his prestation was met with a small chuckle.

"Fuck, it didn't work…"

Then, to his great relief, he saw the Amulet slowly float from Lyra's neck "But of course, my dear…" she sweetly replied.

Once again, the thaumatic field around them faded, returning to much less terrifying proportions. Simultaneously, the magical force holding John in place also disappeared.

"Yes!"

At the very second he realized that, John immediately acted. Grabbing the Amulet, he concentrated all of his strengths to free himself from Lyra's embrace, thus pushing her off the bed and onto the adjacent ground.

Immediately, he rushed to the pile of his things, lying not too far in the crater. Rapidly putting on the most basic clothes, he used the rest as an improvised sack for the trinkets.

There was one trinket however, that he put on immediately. Filling his eyes with purple smoke, the Fallen Star returned to its place on John's neck.

And as it did, he immediately cried out "Quick Cosmic Chaos, a ladder!"

"And what about a…" started the goddess' voice in his head, before being violently interrupted.

"No! A fucking ladder, is it that hard!" he insisted, giving a small worried glance in Lyra's direction. Thankfully, she remained slightly stunned after what had occurred and didn't yet regain her composure.

After an annoyed "Fine." echoed through his mind, the earth started…

"No, it's a fucking ladder, that's all! Don't need to describe it for a thousand years!" he heatedly yelled, as a ladder appeared at the crater's nearest ledge.

"Thank you…" he sighed, using the ladder as intended.

Meanwhile an exclamation that made the blood freeze in his veins resounded behind "Ah, you're so sweet… Well run while you can, but you can't run forever… And I know that someday, you'll end up succumbing to the temptation."

Arriving to the top, John eyed Lyra lying on the bed in the middle of the crater. Her head was slightly swollen, perhaps she had hit a hard rock in her sudden fall.

"Fuck, that saved my v… uhm… my vital dignity…"

"I hope it's the last time we meet…" he faintly declared, in her direction. Then, wasting no more time, he bolted into the forest once more.