A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"OK, so, here's the house. What do I do now?

"I probably should talk a bit less and lower my voice or else, even despite my extreme discretion, I'm going to be detected. Yeah, and why is there light in the house? I wonder if that zebra's still not asleep. That'd be a shame! Oh, shit, right, discretion. No screaming.

"So narrator, since you're omniscient and all, could you please describe me what's up in here? I know you love describing random stuff, so I'd love you to do your job for once." whispered John, his voice still extremely audible despite his obvious efforts to keep it low.

Meanwhile, within the small cabin, the static air circulated in a perpetual cycle. The gentle gusts of the nocturnal breeze only rarely penetrated the wooden structure. In here the soothing light of a fireplace lightened the room, bathing the walls in its soft glow. As in the...

"No, stop describing completely random shit! Go directly to the relevant stuff!" exclaimed John, all the discretion he forced himself to keep suddenly disappearing.

"Uh, I mean, where is Zecora and what is she doing?"

Even though quite small, the house possessed multiple rooms. One of which served as a bedroom. There, in a place where the fire's dancing shine did not reach, the tired zebra slept a heavy sleep. Expecting no visit, she had left the fire alight, a cauldron containing one of her well-known brews resting upon it...

"Wait, I remember what Zecora's house looks like in the show it isn't like what you're describing! What, are you telling me that you're modifying the cannon in favor of the plot, to make my task easier?... Well, continue with that... I don't mind actually...

"So, the path is clear. Then, let's get to the important matters, already. Where to look?

"I guess if I had an overpowered artifact, I'll keep it next to my bed. But then the thing probably has a corrupting influence, she wouldn't do that. It may be in a separate room or something.

"Huh, actually, who cares. I'll just get in there and do my best... Now that I think about it, this will probably end up causing a disaster, but... we'll worry about that later!"

Loudly whispering these last words, John entered the house. To his extreme disappointment, the latter did have a door, which he only managed to open with a loud squeak. However, even audible as it was, this sound did not awaken the zebra. With a loud sigh of relief, he entered the structure, the fire's light slightly blinding him after several hours in near complete obscurity.

"Hey, you know, taking advantage of the fact I can't talk right now to start one of your long and boring paragraphs of description isn't a very cool move. You know, I can do that too! But with more insults, so its 100% better. And I don't even necessarily have to talk. I can just think.

"That what youngsters do nowadays, right? Instead of just randomly bursting into monologues they think... Uh, this new generation... Can't even talk to themselves properly!" thought the edgy guy, apparently old enough to criticize the younger generations but still being a fan of My Little Pony.

"Hey, shut up! I'm not alone in this! There are tons of people like me! And then you can't really criticize, you're the narrator of this world!

"OK, enough of mutual insulting for the moment. Let's find that fucking amulet!

"I didn't notice it before, but the smell here is actually quite nice. It smells like... food. Food. Wait, I didn't eat in 10 hours, I need food! Mmmm... this smells like... I don't care, it just smells like something I want to eat! Fuck the amulet actually, the first goal is to eat!" once this thought lodged itself in John's head, there was no way to forget it. Food was now the only thing his tired brain could whelm.

As he saw some berries on a nearby shelf, he immediately rushed towards the sweet source of nourishment not caring about their actual edibility.

"Nom... that's already... Nom... better... Nom... I need something else... Nom

"This... Nom... looks quite nice... Nom... don't know what it... Nom... is though..."

Occupied by his devouring fury, John completely forgot any concept of discretion, lunging on every piece of provision with avid slurps.

"Hey, I didn't eat in ages! Nom... What did you expect?... Nom" he exclaimed as all this noise and agitation inevitably disturbed Zecora's slumber.

"Shit... Nom"

Immediately ceasing all movement, John stood in the middle of the —now silent— room, looking around in search of the amulet he completely forgot about by now.

Suddenly, he noticed a faint scarlet gleam under a cloth on the other side of the house. It was just there, waiting for him.

Trying his best to come closer in the most discreet way possible, he slowly lifted his feet off the ground one after the other trying not to make the wooden floor crack...

"Hey, in the show the floor isn't wooden! You aren't supposed to make my task harder! I'm already bad enough at this!" thinking that, John continued his long and slow progression.

However, this monotonous movement bored him, his concentration fell and, forgetting to look under his feet, he stumbled upon an old cauldron lying on the floor and fell to the ground in the dust, this failure causing extreme racket and toppling several other cauldrons and cooking utensils.

"FUCK!"

Startled and awoken by all this noise, the zebra jerked up her head trying to process what was happening. Remembering the powerful artifacts her house held, she jumped out of her bed and observed the chaos that unfolded in her little habitation.

"OUCH!" she heard another scream "Why the fuck do you put all these pots here on the floor. Its dangerous!... Uhhh... Oops... hi?"

"Wait, I know you need to speak in rhymes, so I'll just make some random shit up so that you can come up with some sentences to say. Uh, first of all, don't run in terror, I'm not a monster. Oh, wait actually, you could run in terror, that'd be quite cool from you. What'd you say? I mean, I'm not forcing you or anything..." meeting a skeptical frown, John understood that his proposition was being politely declined.

"OK then, I guess I'll need to do something else. I don't know... ya like jazz?" as he talked, his eyes rapidly searched the room in its entirety trying to find the red shine he saw earlier.

Instead of answering his —oh so important— question, Zecora asked him several of her own.
"Can you please tell me what creature you are?
And what is the reason that brings you that far?
Why did you, in the night, in my house appear?
Invading ponies' homes is not welcome here!"

"Wow, these are some sick rhymes! You know, you should really become a rapper. I bet your carrier would be amazing. I'm really impressed you know? If I could do rhymes like you, I wouldn't be here, coming to people's houses in the middle of the night? You're really missing a golden opportunity. And you could have a cool nickname like Zecorap... No, that sounds like shit actually... Or maybe, Zecorapper? No, that's somehow even worse. I don't know, I can totally see something like Zecora, the freestyle goddess written on posters everywhere. And you could do concerts and become famous. Think about it!" John uttered, his voice filled with enthusiasm as he desperately tried to conceal his search.

"What you say to me is indeed quite nice
But don't dodge the questions! I need no advice
You are looking for something as I can see
Tell me what you want perhaps I can help thee.

"Uh... no, I'm not looking for something. Not at all. If you really want to know what the fuck am I, I'm a human and my name is John. I don't think it'll help you much since I come from another universe. You know. I really don't need anything. I'm OK right now. I just came to your house in the night to... visit... I heard the furniture was quite nice in this region and decided to examine it in detail...

"Sorry for bothering you, you can return to sleep now! I'll... just go away... Just walk out the door and not try stealing anything... Bye!" saying that, John's twitching eyes finally settled on what he looked for. The Amulet. It was just here under this cloth.

However, now was the time to leave.

"Fuck."

"I didn't think it'd be so hard. I guess I could just sit here for some time and wait until she goes to sleep again. That will be long... Narrator! Could you please warn me when I can finally get back in please." shouted the master of discretion.

"Oh, that's true... Now that I think about it, the fact ponies speak English is extremely convenient and unlikely. What would I do if they spoke some weird incomprehensible dialect? Well, I guess there isn't really a way to mess these conversations up more that I already did whether it is in English or in any other language. But that's not important.

"Why would magical horses speak English anyway? I mean they do speak in English in the show, but the show's translated, so this isn't really a proof of anything. I guess I just live in a very convenient world... but I already knew that." as these thoughts settled in John's head, in the house all noise ceased. The calm once again returned to the peaceful hut. It was almost...

"OK, I get it! It's time to go! Let's finally steal that fucking amulet!

"Shit, the door squeaked again. That's weird, the narrator didn't comment on that. I need to be... Shit.

"Well, what's the matter, you did not leave?
You forgot about something I believe." Zecora, who didn't go to bed yet, stood near the door, her face bearing a suspecting frown.

"Yeah, that's right. I did. I forgot... my... hum... my... yeah, my... my... I forgot the end of this sentence, but that's not all... I also... Hmm..."his attempts to come up with a believable excuse appearing completely unfruitful, John had no other choice than to simply lunge forward towards the Amulet.

His rush was however interrupted by a hard hoof, the zebra understanding his true intentions.

Refusing to surrender, John used the best diversion technique he knew.

"Hey! Look, there's a rainbow unicorn over there... Uh that's not that unusual actually... I mean, look, a potato!"

Despite its extreme expertise in the domain of diversion, this attempt failed miserably, the zebra remaining a solid obstacle.

"OK, then. I'll just contemplate that amazing potato —that completely is the best thing I've seen in my entire life— while you don't!" he taunted. Zecora's concentration however, remained unaltered.

Out of ideas, John just charged towards the Amulet with all of his strength. Unexpectedly, this plan worked out far better than the previous ones, despite its clear lack of sophistication. After several clumsy jumps and falls, the defense was breached. The way towards the Amulet was free.

Wasting no times, he immediately rushed towards the artifact, triumph all over his face.

"Yes! I finally did something!" he exclaimed removing the cloth and eyeing the cursed jewel on its pedestal...