A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Continuing to run through the woods as if his life depended on it…

"Because it literally does! Well, not my life, but you get the point…"

…it was only once the smooth light of the rising day reached his eyes as it reflected from the fields beyond the forest's edge, that John decided he finally could feel himself in safety.

"Phew… If there's one good point in going to Equestria, it's that it really gives you the motivation for sportive activity!

"I think I didn't run that much in the whole of my life before I arrived here!" John tiredly exclaimed, finally coming to a stop near a small clearing.

"And you'll be right to think that…" mockingly remarked Cosmic Chaos "Your most sportive memories prior to your displacement are the memories of slowly walking to the kitchen to get some snacks…"

Dropping his improvised bag of trinkets onto the ground, John indignantly exclaimed "Hey, I'm sure if we look into what you did for the last thousand years, it won't be much more sportive!"

"Well, you weren't trapped in a merciless prison in the middle of cosmic vacuum for the most of your life…" grumbled the other in much the same tone.

Starting to slowly put his cloths back on John replied with a sneering "Pff… I'm not listening to any of your stupid excuses…"

After an exasperated sigh and a much similar "Alright…" Cosmic Chaos' mood abruptly changed, as she remembered about something "Anyway, since you've finally calmed down and finished running like a coward, I think you can finally tell me: how was it?" she teasingly asked.

"What?" John immediately reacted, even confusedly pausing in his putting-on of his millennia-old t-shirt.

"Well, you get what I'm talking about!" playfully insisted the other.

"Oh that…" John sighed, resuming dressing in "I'd rather say it was not…" he grumbled after a second, now lacing a shoe.

A small chuckle escaped Cosmic Chaos "Come on!" she continued teasing "If we're going to be living in the same body like that for a while, you need to open up a bit!"

John however, was in a much different mood "Well if you're going that route, you should stop trying to betray me first!" he annoyedly retorted, now starting to slowly put all his artifacts back on their place one by one "Also, what's even the point of this question when you can just read my fucking memories!"

"Ugh… You're no fun…" Cosmic Chaos finally grumpily gave up. Then, after spending a second deep in John's thoughts, she disgruntledly added "Oh, that's disappointing."

As he finished to dress by putting on both of his Alicorn Amulets, John's visions became overwhelmed with smoke once more.

"God, I missed that…"

Contently blinking to better distinguish the three colors of smoke, John sighed "Anyway, what if instead of bringing that up, we try to decide what the fuck I'll do now?" he annoyedly exclaimed, already very eager to change the topic for quite a while.

"But I thought we already talked about that…" Cosmic Chaos disappointedly murmured "Or perhaps, you need a little something to remind you of your promise?" at these words, John's left hand started raising itself, prepared for a painful slap of his face.

"No, no, no, I'm fine without more facial pain right now!" the human hastily added, shielding his face with his other hand "I just meant, which of your other Stars I should go for next?!"

"Well I don't know. You decide when you want me to start trusting you. Because currently, I'm really not sure that I won't try leaving you for the nearest pony…"

"Well, I guess Canterlot then…" John sighed, looking at the fields that stretched far in the distance behind the forest trees "But I've just been there! I mean, it was two thousand years ago and in a different universe, but still! Like, from what I remember I've spent a week going there not too long ago!"

"It's your choice… But I'd recommend you to think slightly faster." Cosmic Chaos mercilessly replied "Because if we don't start going somewhere soon enough, who knows, I may even settle for Lyra as my next host…"

At these last words, John suddenly felt himself filled with newfound motivation "OK, I definitely don't want that! Canterlot it is then!" he hastily agreed, worriedly looking around in search of the mint mare.

"Ah… Mortal wills are so pitifully easy to bend…"

"Hey, I'm doing that for you!" John crossly exclaimed after hearing the latter "Don't insult me at least!"

Cosmic Chaos however, wasn't as appreciative as he would have hoped "I highly doubt I'll be the one to profit the most from this second Star…" she skeptically declared.

"Or will I?..."

"Great, now you're getting better at not completely revealing your evil plans to me but just vaguely foreshadowing their existence...

"Anyway, since now we know where to go…" John started, getting up and beginning to determinedly walk in the direction of the forest's end.

After a second however, his determination seemed to significantly fade "Fuck, I don't wanna spent another week on this…"

After a disdainful "Pff" Cosmic Chaos declared "I may not know a lot about ponies, but if your useless memories are to be trusted, there should be a train going there from Ponyville. Also, according to the same source, Ponyville isn't that far from here."

"Great… Except how the fuck do you expect me to get into a train full of ponies!" John annoyedly retorted, kicking a small rock.

"Fuck, shouldn't kick rocks like that, it's never safe with this guy as my narrator…"

But despite John's regretful thoughts, the rock was a normal one this time. It easily bolted far into the forest, only being stopped by a distant tree.

"Phew…"

"You're afraid of rocks now… Ah, mortal fears will never cease exasperating me with their stupidity…"

"Hey, you should know about the danger that lies in kicking small rocks by now!" John dissentingly exclaimed, barely abstaining himself from trying to kick another one "Anyway, that's not the point right now! We should rather come up with a way to get into a train!"

"Well, I don't know, no one forces you to get into the train." indifferently replied the other "They usually have got pretty desert roofs if you forgot…"

"Oh. That's actually quite a good idea… I wasn't expecting that from you!" John exclaimed, his face displaying confused gratitude.

This gratitude was however soon erased by a painful slap "Should have been expecting that from you though…"

"And don't you dare doubt my intelligence like that ever again!" Cosmic Chaos wrathfully yelled.

"Alright… Sorry, you really had a great idea. I shouldn't have teased you like that." John conceded, now slowly getting out of the woods' cover and into the sunny fields beyond.

All of a sudden, something in the distance caught his attention "Oh, hey, I think I'm seeing Ponyville over there!" he cheerfully exclaimed, recognizing the joyful town.

This blissful exclamation was however met with a grudging "Exactly. So shut up, and walk faster!"

Thought slightly upset, John agreed nonetheless "OK. It's just that, well… I can't just walk into the town like that! There's at least a small level of discretion to be kept!" he explained, carefully looking around to make sure nopony could notice his approach.

"Well that's your problem." insensitively answered the other.

John shrugged "I don't know, can't you give me a cloak of invisibility or something?" he suggested realizing how noticeable he actually was in the middle of an empty field.

"I could transform your other arm into a tentacle." Cosmic Chaos mockingly proposed instead "Then, no one will know you're actually a human."

After a small sigh and a very lacking attempt at crouching to become less noticeable, John grumpily replied "Great. Love it when you're useful like that…"

"Hey, I can't just do anything you want!" indignantly retorted Cosmic Chaos "I'm not one of those mindlessly compliant genies!"

"Yes, you're not. You're an infinitely powerful cosmic deity, things like that should be effortless to you!" John annoyedly argued, seeing the Ponyville houses starting to get close enough to be clearly distinguished.

Thankfully, no activity could be seen behind their shut blinds, most ponies still peacefully sleeping by this morning hour.

Great indignance in her voice, Cosmic Chaos heatedly replied "Firstly, I only have the smallest portion of my power right now, you wouldn't be so sapient and disobedient otherwise." she started with a frustrated hiss "And secondly, do you really expect me to be following every single of your idiotic orders as some kind of omnipotent dog?"

At that, John just disappointedly sighed "Well, I don't know, I just expect you to be useful."

A second later however, he regretted saying that. In fact, once the words left his mouth, the skin on his right arm slowly started to melt as if corroded by an extremely potent acid.

Meanwhile, the severest of questions echoed through his mind "Are you implying that I'm not?"

Wincing in pain John stopped, bringing his panicked gaze to his melting arm "No, no, no you're extremely useful!" he hastily replied "I would never even have survived if not thanks to you!"

And even as the pain stopped, the wound instantly healing, he only continued with greater passion "You're so great oh Cosmic Chaos! Greater than even the universe itself with all of its creations! I am but a pawn on in your all-mighty games!" John theatrically declared, putting his other hand onto his heart.

After a second, he pleadingly added "...Please don't do that again."

After a content chuckle Cosmic Chaos replied "You might have gone slightly too far into the hypocritical praise but OK, you're pardoned for now."

"Ah, it's still gratifying to torture mortals like that…"

John however, still wasn't reassured "Oh yes, great Queen of Malice! It is a pleasure to be mistreated by your hand!" he devotedly exclaimed, even raising his arms to the sky in a praying motion.

No longer impressed, Cosmic Chaos just jadedly commanded "Drop this ridiculous tone."

After a loud sigh John finally found the force to talk normally "OK. Just don't… Don't do that… ever again. Don't… Please." he disjointedly mumbled.

Another content chuckle echoed through his mind "Perhaps I won't, it depends on you."

Though still nervously rubbing his right arm, John managed to calm himself "Anyway, the town's getting pretty close already, I should start thinking of how not to get noticed." he unsurely declared, resuming to walk.

"Well then think about it instead of monologuing out loud." mockingly suggested the other.

At this very second however, the blinds covering one of the nearest houses' windows started shifting, moved aside by a tired hoof.

"Fuck."

Seeing nothing around to hide behind, John found nothing better to do that just sit on the ground and roll himself into a ball.

"Wow… camouflage at its height."

"Just shut up if you don't have a better idea!"

As the pony's sleepy face appeared from behind the blinds. It took him a second to notice the strange object lying upon the grass. Once he did, he groggily blinked in confusion.

A moment later however, he glanced on his clock and decided that this strange thing wasn't worth making him even more late than he already was.

After a last glimpse through the window, he hurriedly walked away, continuing his busy morning as if nothing had happened.

"Great." John relievedly declared, standing up again.

A second later, an exasperated sigh resonated through his mind "I can't believe this worked… it only further proves the deficiency of mortal minds."

"Neither do I." he agreed, shrugging "But I surely don't mind that it did."

"Anyway, I probably shouldn't be standing there like that." he continued, starting to walk in the house's direction.

"Neither should you talk out loud…" annoyedly insisted Cosmic Chaos.

Now getting in contact with the wall, John chuckled "Did you really still not learn that I can't stop talking to myself?" he jokily mused, peaking into a small street at the wall's end "Especially now that I have a myself to be talking to." he added, traversing the street and continuing to carefully walk along the town's edge.

"Well, I can still dream…" sighed the other.

Now repeating the maneuver a second time with the same success, John continued "It's my luck I'm on this pretty desert side of the town. I highly doubt it would have been so calm on the main street…"

"Anyway, my best chance probably is to just keep to the wall and count on the Someone Else's Problem field if another pony ever happens to see me." he decided, immediately employing this strategy.

"Ugh… Now that I've read your memories, I'm forced to get all of your idiotic references…"

"And that's your problem… I wouldn't even consider it as a problem actually…" he responded, nonchalantly continuing to crawl next to the wall.

All of a sudden, from a small lateral street…

"Wait, no! I know what you're going for…"

…appeared a nice, neatly dressed pony.

"Yep. Exactly what I expected…"

Visibly hurried, she sharply turned at the corner, heading right into John's direction.

"Who would have guessed…"

Not even trying anything this time, the human remained at his place, hugging the wall and continuing to slowly move forward.

"Well, time to test the Someone Else's Problem theorem then, I guess…"

For a second the mare didn't even see him approach. It was only for a second though. As at the very moment her peripheral vision caught the strange being, she rapidly jerked her head to distinguish its nature.

"Well, fuck my plans then I guess…"

What followed was a panicked cry and her rapid retreat. After another second, she was completely gone, only more distant cries for help reminding of her brief passage.

"I shouldn't stay here." John immediately understood as he heard some more distant hoofsteps approaching.

Bolting forward, he continued following the wall but with much greater speed and lesser discretion.

After a second of such running, he was suddenly blinded by the bright flash of a camera. This didn't stop him though.

"Yeah… I'm definitely better at mindlessly running forward than at hiding." he mumbled, struggling not to collide with something.

"And I wouldn't even say you're so good at that…" he heard the contemptuous response.

Wildly blinking and unable to really see where he was going, it wasn't long before John was met by the spiky embrace of a rather large bush.

"Well, at least now I'm hidden…" he cynically thought, finally managing to open his eyes and look around.

"Look around the insides of the bush that is…"

Meanwhile, in the immediate surroundings passed the loudly galloping hoofsteps of several ponies, quickly moving away.

"And that's how you escape your foes: with the power of convenient bushes!" John triumphantly mumbled from his bush.

"You've probably already alerted the whole population of this small town though…"

"Exactly! And it's because someone didn't even try helping me!" John mutedly exclaimed. Then, remembering what happened to his arm just several minutes ago, hastily added "Uhm… This someone surely isn't you though!"

He was met with nothing but an indifferent "Pff…"

"Anyway, there doesn't seem to be anyone outside anymore so I should probably get out of here."

Having these thoughts, John carefully stuck his head out of his vegetal cover, carefully looking around.

"Fuck, why are bushes always so spiky…" he discontentedly mumbled once the surroundings were confirmed to be clear.

Now extorting himself from the bush completely, John tried cleaning himself from its remains. It was without much success though.

"Ok… Let's try this again…" he sighed, approaching the wall once more.

"Pff… You're ludicrous…"

"I don't know, have you got other ideas?"

"Wait until nightfall?"

Remaining pensive for several seconds, John finally talked "That's in fact not bad. But it's also boring. I'm continuing with my plan."

"Yeah, don't even try listening to actually good ideas…"

"…"

All of a sudden, emerging from behind the small woods to the side, filling the air with whistles and sounds of wheels hitting the metallic rails, a train appeared in the distance. Following an invisible track towards what could only be Ponyville's train station.

"Oh, that's cool." John happily exclaimed, following the train with his sight.

Cosmic Chaos wasn't as happy though "Pff… Can't do anything by yourself. You're only saved by your ability to communicate with all-mighty outer beings…" she grumbled, causing John's relief to turn sour.

"Hey, you can't deny I can at least do something by myself!" he annoyedly retorted "I can run."

"Indeed… Run into bushes…"

Letting a loud sigh escape him, John now left the wall's cover heading straight in the supposed direction of the train tracks.

However, it was also then, that a drunken pony appeared behind a building, unsteadily walking from the nearest street. Not being able to react in time, John just froze in confused panic.

"Fuck, let's hope it doesn't finish as bad as last time…"

After a second, noticing him, the pony mumbled "Wa-wat ar u?" his voice filled with much more alcohol than terror.

"Oh, that's already a good start." John thought, slightly reassured.

"Wait, actually I think I've got an idea!"

Steadying himself and taking the ghostliest tone he could master he theatrically announced "I am but a projection of your clouded conscience into the misty illusions of your drunken mind! Repent, I tell you! Repent before it is too late! Cease all consumption of this accursed liquid! It is not worth the aftermath! There is nothing it is worth…"

The other however didn't seem as impressed as John was hoping "Wa-wat? Maf? I don laike maf. Ar u a teacher?" he confusedly burbled.

"Well, it didn't work…"

"I'd say ya look laike dat pink princess fro de news." the pony incomprehensibly declared, eyeing John with his hazy sight.

"Wait, do I?"

"You look like a lot of things, but no, you don't." sneeringly assured Cosmic Chaos.

Meanwhile, the pony continued his ramblings "P-princes, kan ai ask u a kvesion?" he unintelligibly asked.

"Well, we'll go with that then…"

Taking the regalest tone he could master…

"Which isn't saying much…"

…John courteously declared "But of course, my dear servant, I am listening."

Meanwhile, the dear servant struggled to find his words "Uh… I… Is de… I… I don remembe" he finally gave up.

"Oh."

John didn't expect that "Well then, my dear servant" he unsurely started "I… regally command you to… go somewhere else and… remember it!"

With a knowing frown, the pony nodded, starting to say something "Of cosse princes, I-I will… I-I go to de…" unable to finish his sentence however, he just fell on the ground, succumbing to sweet drunken slumber.

"OK then. Let's hope that's my last encounter." John sighed once the pony fell asleep "God, the sooner I leave this place, the better."

Continuing to move towards the train station's supposed location, John heard the return of a mocking voice in his mind "Hah, now you realize how I constantly feel being in your head…"

"Hey, it must still be better than the endless void of space!" he immediately argued, glancing around to make sure nopony could notice his presence.

"I wouldn't say it's much different…" indifferently retorted Cosmic Chaos.

"…"

And so, it was in sulking silence that John plunged into the small woods supposedly separating him from the train tracks.