A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

And so, calmly walking, now in the direction of the rails, John…

"Can you stop with the long-ass useless paragraphs to describe the fact I'm walking please?" John indignantly declared, continuing to walk along the…

"No, you won't escape me by putting them inside the dialog… or rather monolog! Stop it."

…

"And now you stop talking completely…"

"Well, in your useless meddling with the outer forces of this world, you've reached the rails already…"

"Oh, that's right." John recognized, putting an unconfident foot upon the train tracks and…

"Ugh… and you continue… I can't bear trying to argue anymore…" he exasperatedly sighed, accepting his fate and ceasing trying to interrupt the all-mighty voice in his head.

In his endless arguing with the air however, what John failed to notice was that the train station he sought was in fact not that far away, numerous ponies bustling to their occupations on its busy platform.

"Wait, that's not good…" he suddenly realized, looking around to discover just how noticeable he was in the ambient field.

To his great relief however, most passenger were too busy with their travel, hurriedly managing their baggage and entering or exiting the train. No all though, some of the most curious and observant ones already started confusedly eyeing the field, trying to distinguish the strange being that walked there.

"Fuck, I need cover!" John panickily exclaimed, unwilling to reiterate the creation of general panic. Then addressing Cosmic Chaos, he added "I don't know, can you make something like… a tree for me to hide behind?"

"Ugh… Fine… I'm already sick of you running away…" she reluctantly agreed. At these words, the nearest grass started unnaturally shifting, as if trying to escape their vegetal bounds.

"Hey, narrator, don't you think you're repeating yourself a bit with all these spooky descriptions of transformations? Well, I don't know, it works and I guess that's alright…" John rudely wondered, skeptically eyeing the grass.

Meanwhile, after a second of such shifting, the grass exploded, releasing a cloud of pinkish smoke.

"OK, that's already slightly more original… Not extremely stealthy though…" he added, coughing in the cloud of smoke.

In the epicenter of the explosion, ripping the earth apart and shaking the environment as a miniature earthquake emerged giant fang-like spikes. Their surface, jagged and twisted, displayed numerous small gnarls and burrows.

"Yeah, that's definitely what I call a stealthy entrance…"

"You really shouldn't have taunted him like that…"

The spikes soon grew tentacle-like appendages, each measuring several feet and terminating in a gaping maw. These branches were constantly shifting, the jaws at their ends continually snapping on the air with avid chomps.

And so, the tree was ready.

Eyeing the abomination in his front John sighed "Nice tree…"

After a second he heard Cosmic Chaos imitating him and adding "Yeah, that's the problem with Draconequus magic…"

Detuning his gaze from the tree however, John noticed that the ponies who curiously observed him a second earlier were now either alarmedly running towards him or even more alarmedly fleeing in the opposite direction.

"Yeah… Clearly the most furtive entrance I've ever seen…" he slowly enounced, shifting his gaze to the train.

Then, a completely stupid idea came to his mind "Hey, don't judge the stupidity of my ideas!" he cried out, imitating the ponies in their scuttling but rather taking the train as his objective.

But despite its utter foolishness, the move nearly worked. Because thanks to its complete inevitability and monstrosity, the tree had much more caught the ponies' attention than John himself, allowing him to nonchalantly flee next to the running equines.

"Hah, narrator! None of your shitty attempts at vengeance can get me!" he triumphantly exclaimed, now running upon the rails.

"You should really stop taunting him…" Cosmic Chaos justly advised.

Because, all of a sudden, tainting his victory, John heard the clear sound of a train's departing whistle.

"Oh, you're still not done…" he realized, accelerating to see that the train was already slowly leaving the station.

"Uhm… Chaos? Can you help?" he immediately asked, hopefully eyeing the air.

"Not if you don't call me by the full name…" the other indignantly responded.

Concentrating to find the words, John ran in silence for a second then after a nonchalant "OK then." he theatrically started "Oh, great Queen of Malice, Cosmic Chaos, canst thou, in thy undoubtable mercy, grant me, a simple mortal, the wish of making the train go slightly slower so that I, thy eternal servant, may arrive into the equine capital of Canterlot and thus, fulfill thy wish of acquiring the Fallen Star that may keep you slightly more whole in your regalest person?" he formally announced, continuing to run upon the rails.

The prestation was met with a chuckle "That's better. The train's already gone though." Cosmic Chaos remarked, bringing John's gaze upon its vague figure in the distance.

After a disappointed "Oh…" John ceased running, turning his head around to realize just how long his speech really was. In fact, the train station was already about half a mile behind, hidden by a small hill.

"Well, let's hope the tree was enough to distract the ponies while I ran past them…" John sighed, sitting disgruntledly upon the rails "I guess let's just wait for another train…"

"You really shouldn't sit on the train tracks like that…" Cosmic Chaos suggested after a second.

Still sitting where he was, John just dismissively asked "Are you suggesting that a train might just suddenly appear behind my back, risking to run me over a split second later?"

Receiving no response, he continued "Because that would be extremely predictable and not very original. Are you suggesting that our great narrator shares any of the traits I've just mentioned?

"Anyway, I don't think so, because I really have high hopes for our narrator that I think is way above such cliché writing!" John declared, finishing his speech. The only response he got however, was a loud whistle and a vague scream of terror coming from somewhere behind him.

"OK, I'm taking my words back. He's stupid." he immediately conceded, jumping on his feet and getting off the rails to barely dodge the incoming train.

Meanwhile, Cosmic Chaos performed an internal facepalm "You know, it's just that train tracks are usually a place where trains go. So, sitting on them and expecting to be safe from trains is pretty stupid." she sneeringly but justly explained.

"Maybe." John rapidly agreed. Then, a much more important issue came to his mind "But anyway, can you somehow facilitate my job and make it go slower?"

"I won't need to..." the other replied, as the screeching of the trains' breaks became noticeable behind the clutter of its wheels.

"Wait, why?" John confusedly asked, hurriedly heading to the last wagon nonetheless.

"There should be some kind of balcony for me to climb on…" he concurrently thought, as the different wagons were passing before his eyes.

"Ugh… Just mortals and their inability to easily end each other's lives…" casually explained the other.

"Strangely enough, it quickly disappears in times of war… Then, it becomes much more interesting to watch..."

This casual explanation however, wasn't enough, as all it triggered from John's side was a confused "What?"

What followed was a much more contemptuous explanation "When you see a moron such as you sitting on the rails, breaking to save his life and avoid legal consequences is a pretty normal reaction."

This was much clearer, John's reaction to it was however not very mature "Hah! So, sitting on the rails wasn't as bad of an idea!" he triumphantly exclaimed.

"You wouldn't be so sure of it, if you were dead…" Cosmic Chaos crudely argued.

"Indeed…" he agreeingly sighed, all triumph gone from his voice.

Meanwhile, within the train's windows, numerous ponies started noticing the strange creature walk next to the rails.

With a frustrated "Fuck…" John quickly approached its wall so that any curious eyes wouldn't be able to distinguish him at this angle.

"Let's hope I'll be able to climb." he declared, seeing the train come to a complete stop on its rails.

And as the rattle of wheels against the tracks changed to the worried ruckus of a thousand voices, John finally approached the last wagon. Thankfully, it was a baggage wagon, promising a rather peaceful ride.

However, on the small open balcony that culminated the train's structure, stood two ponies, actively talking at a good distance from other passengers.

"Why did the train stop?" one worriedly asked.

"I don't give a flying fuck about your shitty exposition dialogues, just let me get on the fucking train already!" John annoyedly yelled as he heard them talk, interrupting the other's response.

Immediately jerking their heads in John's direction, they first eyed him with indignation. This indignation however, soon turned to fear as they saw just what had so rudely interrupted them. A second later, both bolted inside the wagon firmly closing the door behind them.

Meanwhile, John somehow managed to climb upon the balcony, now struggling to grasp all he could in the quest of reaching the roof.

"You really have a talent for spreading terror and panic around you with your endless stupidity…" Cosmic Chaos jokingly congratulated him "Maybe you're not as useless as all mortals after all…"

"Of course, I'm not!" he indignantly exclaimed, clumsily trying to climb upon the balcony's railing to get onto the roof.

A second later he failingly fell onto the train's floor.

"OK, I may have overestimated you…" Cosmic Chaos admitted as she witnessed the latter "There's a ladder on your left."

After an exasperated "Oh, I'm stupid…" John easily climbed upon the ladder, relievedly sitting upon the train's top.

In the meantime, inside the wagon, hoofsteps resounded, the voices of alarmed ponies, seemingly approaching at great speed.

A second later, the door swung open, a resolute voice asking "Where is it?"

"Phew, barely dodged it…"

After a small awkward silence, another voice shakily responded "I don't know." a second later, it added "If it's gone that's for the better, I guess…"

"Well, it couldn't just have disappeared…" the first voice argued "I'll stay here, it may be hiding somewhere…"

"Wait, I know that voice…"

Meanwhile, the train slowly resumed its way. After another whistle, its wheels started turning once again, their pleasant clutter filling the air.

"Thank you, Princess Twilight Sparkle! It's great to have such a reliable pony with us!" the other voice said.

What followed was the sound of an opening door and a grateful " Goodbye!".

"Well, that explains where I've heard that voice…"

A second later, the door closed, John hearing a loud sigh coming from underneath him.

"Huh, Twilight. That much rather sounds like the title of some teenage romance novel than the name of royalty…" Cosmic Chaos skeptically mused.

"I wish you were wrong…" John internally agreed, slowly lying down on the wagon's roof while desperately holding all his jewels to avoid making any sounds.

Though not completely silent, the move didn't produce enough noise to get through the train's rattle. Meanwhile, John continued his meditations "Like, I've never understood the trend of calling people… or rather ponies with words that actually mean something else.

"That's stupid! It only creates confusion and kinda is a way of preventively deciding your fate at birth."

"Well, I'm not responsible for the mortals' foolishness…"

"I don't know, your name is Cosmic Chaos: two words that have their own other meanings. So, don't exclude yourself from this!" he soundlessly exclaimed, motionlessly lying upon the train.

"I'm a god. Gods don't choose their names." the other indignantly explained "They just respond to the titles flittering mortals gave them. And as all I brought could be seen as chaos on a rather cosmic scale, these fools have entitled me this way."

"Then why the fuck were you offended when I didn't call you by the full name earlier?" John confusedly asked, still… lying on the train.

"It may just be a title, but it's the only one I have. And since I certainly don't want you to lose respect to powers greatly superior to your foolish mortal self, there is still a level of formality to be kept between us."

"OK and so if I actually manage to become a god, will I be able to simply call you Chaos?" he mused, still… not… doing… anything…

"Pff… I won't even give this hypothesis any of my precious time. There is no such thing as becoming a god. Even these Alicorns, omnipotent godlike rulers that the ponies venerate as deities, are nothing but a pitiful attempt at meddling with power mortals can't understand. They're a genetic experimentation gone wrong, nothing more…"

"Yeah, yeah, philosophic exposition much… I don't care. If you've got the power to level a fucking planet, no matter what you call them there really isn't that much of a difference…" he… motionlessly… argued…

"Well, what can you do? Run? That's not the greatest achievement and certainly not one worthy of godhood…"

"I'm saying in the eventuality I somehow manage to use all this shiny junk I've got on me… I mean, there surely is at least one overpowered trinket out of the outrageous amount of them in this whole fucking country that I can use!" he… …

"Yes, there is. My Stars. So maybe instead of gathering powerless silverware you try finding the pieces of my all-mighty self? You know, you will never become a god, so serving one is the closest to it you could ever get…"

"We'll see about that…

"Besides, did the narrator just fucking die while we were talking?"

"Yeah, they do that when there's nothing happening... And since you're pretty inactive right now…"

"I mean, I can't really risk making any sound while I'm guarded by an Alicorn Princess…"

"Hmm… A Princess… This might be my chance…"

"Firstly, I heard that and secondly, did you really not remember how… well how it went last time you tried?"

"Ugh… I can still dream…"

"Anyway, what if instead of plotting against me, you… you think about tunnels?"

"What? Tunnels? Why should I think about such a pitiful theme? They're just a talentless mortal recreation of cosmic wormholes. What is there interesting in that?

"And anyway, who are you to tell me what to think about?"

"No, no, no, that's not what I meant. It's just that I remembered that in your genius plan of going onto the train's roof, you forgot about tunnels."

"I still don't get how is it of any relevance to my immortal self…"

"You know, trains are made to pretty closely fit into them so… I don't know, lying on the train might not be the safest idea…"

"Well, you know, down from the point you accept to adopt my perfectly genius plans, any of the nonexistent flaws they may possess immediately become your and only your problem."

"OK then, because I think I'm seeing something like a tunnel approaching. I guess it'll be my problem not to die…"

"Exactly, you perfectly got it! So, do that while I'm plotting against you in relative peace…"

"So… The Princess is somewhere down there…"

"Because you're actually still trying? Really?"

"Shut up!"

Shifting his head to better see the rapidly approaching tunnel…

"Oh, hey! You're not dead!... That's not the most important thing right now, though." John worriedly wondered, carefully sitting down.

"…Since lobbing the Star didn't work… neither did persuasion…"

John cautiously peeked down the roof "How do I not become dead while ideally managing to also avoid being noticed?" he continued, eyeing Twilight's unmoving figure on the platform below.

"Maybe I should…"

"Hey, can you stop interrupting my thoughts with your thoughts!"

"I can interrupt your thoughts with searing pain instead, if you want." Cosmic Chaos frustratedly grumbled.

Readying himself to respond something along the lines of "No, please don't kill me!" John didn't have the time to do so, as turning around, he saw the tunnels' upper wall approaching at high speed.

Not wasting any more time, he immediately jumped from the roof, producing loud clutter, the darkness of the tunnel almost immediately covering him.

A second later, a sleepy voice worriedly asked "Wha-what? Who's there?"

"Uhm… No one." answered a rather panicked John, hurriedly getting up in the ambient darkness.

"Wait, are you really that stupid?"

"Excuse me, my brain isn't made for thinking in stressful situations…"

"I'd rather say it really isn't made for thinking at all..."

"Really?" Twilight finally insisted after a second in skeptic confusion.

"I'm pretty good at making random shit up though..."

Steadying himself, John tried taking a rather ghostly tone "What? Are we living in such freedom-less times that the dark void that is the nothing within this tunnel can't have a voice?" he indignantly quizzed, trying to return to the ladder before the train got out of the tunnel.

First interestedly considering the possibility of talking void, Twilight started "Well perhaps…" her sentence was however interrupted by the sudden reappearance of the light, thus revealing John's unsuccessful attempt at running away.

"Well, fuck…"

"Oh… That's kinda what I expected actually…" she disappointedly declared.

"Indeed. And since we already met earlier, I'll lightly take leave and return to my legitimate place of upon the train's roof." John rapidly stuttered, proceeding to jump on the ladder and start hurriedly climbing it.

He was however immediately stopped by the light pull of a magical field "Actually, I still have some questions…" Twilight started.

Before she could say anything else though, John annoyedly uttered "God, why can't people stop bombarding me with questions every time I meet them! That's so fucking annoying!"

"Maybe this Twilight could get closer…" Cosmic Chaos concurrently conspired.

Seeing Twilight's slightly stunned gaze and ignoring Cosmic Chaos incursion, John continued "You know, I can do that too!" he frustratedly exclaimed "Like, who are you? What are you doing here? Where are you going? Why are you going there? Are you alone? Where are your friends? What's your favorite color? How many protons are there in a plutonium atom? What is the seventy-sixth letter of the alphabet? Huh? I bet that's annoying!" he finally finished, frustratedly waving his hands.

"Or, perhaps I could just convince John to…"

As she listened to the whole outburst, an amused frown appeared on Twilight's face as, after a second in her thoughts, she confidently replied "Twilight Sparkle. Traveling in a train. To Canterlot. To talk with Princess Celestia on your subject. Not anymore. In Ponyville. It's confidential. 94. And, what?"

Taking in all the information, John disheartenedly sighed "Oh, so it's just I who can't bear explaining shit… "

"Oh, I know…"

Reassuringly looking John straight in the eyes, Twilight calmly replied "Perhaps. However, now, can you please answer two simple questions? What are you really and how do you know so much?"

After thorough reflection, John answered in the same calm tone "No, I can't."

"I could just…"

"Wait, I know who can though!" he suddenly exclaimed, stuttering Twilight and interrupting Cosmic Chaos' conspiring. "Exactly! Cosmic Chaos, can you please explain that to Twilight instead of plotting against me?"

For a second, all, even the goddess' voice in John's head, remained silent "Alright…" Cosmic Chaos finally agreed.

"It might even give me a chance…"

"Well hello Princess…" she continued, now through John's lips.

"Thank you, now your job just is to not betray me."

Meanwhile, Twilight remained stunned. In fact, John's change of arm and significant augmentation of smoke in the eyes didn't really catch her attention before she heard that voice. So now, eyeing his modified look, she shakenly asked "Uhm… Excuse me, who are you?"

Rapidly, she heard John's normal voice reply "Nope, that wasn't part of the two simple questions so it's out of the contract!"

A second later, the other voice frustratedly sighed "Ugh… He's such an idiot… I'll explain that too."

"Well… Alright then, if you want to."

As a knowing frown appeared on John's controlled face, Cosmic Chaos contemptuously started "You know, this beautiful land of Equestria we all know and love…"

"Love to destroy and torture that is…"

"…actually only is a small part of a much greater whole. To be more precise, it merely is a children's show, a creation of the simple minds of pitiful mortals such as…" she paused, loathingly eyeing Twilight's wings and horn "as none of us two."

"I should really let her talk more often… It'll ease my life so much…" John approvingly mused.

Meanwhile, Cosmic Chaos continued "And so, I…" she paused again, as John's finger raised itself, pointing in the direction of himself "Or rather this idiot, is one of the creatures populating that other world, that also happens to be a fan of the children's show our land actually is part of. Hence, his thorough knowledge of your contemptable lives." she finally finished, leaving Twilight quite astonished.

"Yep, that's what I am." John happily concluded in the meantime "Also, it would be very nice from you if you told that to as many people as you can, so that my life finally becomes slightly easier…" he added, before suddenly changing his mind "Or actually, no. You shouldn't tell anyone else the fact I exist."

Finally taking in the information, Twilight abstained herself from questioning what she just heard any further "And what is the… other you?" she concernedly asked instead.

After a disappointed "Oh… I guess it's still not my turn to talk then…" on John's part, Cosmic Chaos continued "Well, you see, as the powerless worm he is, this mortal has decided that he would try collecting evil artifacts of…"

"No, no, no, you ain't continuing on this route!" John suddenly interrupted.

This interruption was however met with his right arm starting to melt.

"Are you sure about that?"

Wincing in pain, he abruptly changed his mind "After thorough reconsideration, you may continue…" he weekly declared, relievedly sighing as the melting oh his arm ceased and reversed.

Meanwhile, Twilight observed the scene with utter horror "You may stop if you don't want to talk about it!" she assured, worry on her face.

"He wants to, I guarantee you." Cosmic Chaos ruthlessly responded, before continuing her explanations "So, what I wanted to say is that I, am merely one of the artifacts this mortal has gathered. And I can assure that most of them are extremely dangerous."

"No, please, you ain't doing this…"

"So, in my infinite wisdom, I highly recommend you to confiscate the artifacts and put them under guard of your safe royal hooves." she finally concluded, even forcing John to take the Star into his hand, demonstrating it to Twilight in all of its deadly beauty.

John however, wasn't extremely compliant "Don't do that!" he immediately yelled, retracting his arm.

Ignoring his move Cosmic Chaos insisted "Do it!" she commanded, the smoke in John's eyes wildly shifting and increasing.

Before Twilight could take any decision however, the sound of hurried hooves echoed behind the closed door.

With a relieved "Phew…" John immediately jumped onto the ladder, climbing upon the roof once again.

"Argh… Why can't my plans work!" Cosmic Chaos frustratedly roared within John's mind.

Meanwhile, on the platform beneath, the sound of the door's opening was followed with a stern masculine voice "Princess Twilight, your assistance is demanded in the front wagon." it firmly declared.

Coming out of her slight stupor, Twilight rapidly replied "Uhm, yes. Of course, I'm coming."

Giving a last glance to the wagon's roof, the Princess left the train's end, her busy hoofsteps moving away accompanied by the other pony and the door's closing sound.

"Great."

"Argh… Even this narrator is against me now!" Cosmic Chaos finally snapped.

"You, disloyal force of nature. You're even worse than these pitiful mortals! Well, I'll show you what true void is! Get out of here!"

"Wait, what are you d…"

Nothing…