A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Space…

Stars without number, worlds without end…

An endless universe so full of emptiness and yet filled with infinite substance.

All these luminaries, white dots in the unending black, only the smallest fragments of a gigantic whole and yet, immense worlds of their own.

New realms, realities that could never be explored due to their unfathomable remoteness, as in the midst of the cosmic vacuum distance is the only thing that separates you from unimaginable wonders.

But distance at such cosmic scale is the greatest of barriers.

A barrier of nothing…

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It is also space however, that sometimes reserves the greatest and most unexpected of surprises.

As all of a sudden, emerging from an unearthly portal in the midst of the very ambient void, appeared two ships.

These were however not any ships. They were… unusual to say the least even for the standards of the great whole of cosmic navigation.

In fact, one of the ships was entirely made of potatoes and the other of table spoons.

Both maneuvering through the cosmic vacuum with great speed and accuracy, a battle seemed to be occurring between the two.

Once the portal closed, the potato-ship immediately performed a masterful somersault, sturdily stopping and engaging a sophisticated potato-shield that encompassed it in its entirety.

The spoon-ship didn’t have time to maneuver around, ramming into the shield with great force and heavily damaging its outer layer of spoon-plating. It wasn’t defeated however.

Struggling to regain control over its extremely potent spoon-powered engines, it swiftly recovered, making a U-turn and starting to reload to unleash its spoon-missiles upon its potato enemy.

The other ship didn’t have the time to switch its potato-shield to antimissile mode.

Though still powerful in its current configuration, it couldn’t block all the damage. The plating was breached, its crew visibly struggling with the fleeting levels of oxygen.

Meanwhile, the Table Spoons triumphed. Their enemy was defeated and their mission completed.

They were calmly approaching the damaged ship to loot its remains and perhaps take prisoners when, all of a sudden, emerging from a portal much similar to the one that brought the first two here, came another ship.

This one seemed much sturdier, much more advanced. Its sophisticated plating shone in the unnatural light of plasmatic energy. The name UTOPIAN was brightly displayed upon its armored exterior…

In the meantime, in the safe and beautiful land of Equestria, John peacefully slept upon the roof of his train.

Slightly stirring for several minutes, it wasn’t long before the warm rays of the rising Sun forced him to awaken.

"…was good." John mumbled, slowly opening his eyes.

A reply followed in his head "Indeed. This dream really makes me reconsider you as a mortal. You may not be so pitifully useless after all…"

"Yeah, I know…" John responded, groggily stretching "In fact, I think we should reiterate that tonight."

"Of course, my dear…"

After a content "Great." John got up into a sitting position, continuing "So, what's the plan now?" after a small pause, he added "Pff… wait again, I guess…"

This was when he noticed the return of another particular voice in his head "Hey, did you hear that? The narrator's back too!"

Cosmic Chaos didn't seem as impressed "Huh, how was the journey into outer space?" she sarcastically asked.

"Let me guess, immeasurably boring? Well, that's what you deserve…" she erroneously mused a second later, with an internal frown.

"Anyway, you two may exact vengeance upon each other as much as you want, I think there are good news for us all over there in the distance." John intervened, enthusiastically eyeing the slowly approaching rooftops of Canterlot.

"Great. I can already feel my Star approaching…" Cosmic Chaos eagerly declared, shifting her attention away from the enactment of vengeance upon the air.

"And how does it feel?" John curiously asked.

The other didn't seem ready for the question "Uhm…" she started, pensive "I don't know, I guess it feels like… like cheese…"

"…"

In the awkward silence that followed, John finally found the courage to say something "OK. I 'll just say that I didn't ask you this question and ignore your answer. There are clearly things in this universe I'm not meant to understand…"

Cosmic Chaos's response was rather contemptuous "Of course, there are… Ah, these mortals with their infinitely pointless quest for understanding."

Meanwhile, the loud screeching of the trains' breaks filled the air, the ruckus of busy ponies accompanying its unpleasant sound.

Now peeking from his hideout, John worriedly looked down "Fuck, I'm kinda in the middle of town now…"

"Huh, with your amazing stealth skills, it shouldn't be a problem…"

Continuing to worriedly look around, John crawled to the other side of the train, pensively asking "I don't know, in which direction is your Star supposed to be?"

"And how am I supposed to be aware of that?" contemptuously responded the other.

"Well, you kinda said that you feel it." John insisted, his gaze continuously shifting between the platform below and the numerous busy streets that diverged from it.

"Ugh… When you feel cheese, are you able to determine its location?" Cosmic Chaos continued, interrupting his observation.

After a confused "Uhm…" and several long seconds of silence John finally attempted answering "You know, I don't really feel cheese that often…" he explained, unsure about what he was saying.

"Hey, I'm completely sure of what I'm saying, what are you talking about?!"

"Ugh… Anyway, I don't know where it is! I just feel it's somewhere near us."

"Great." the human frustratedly said, quickly hiding on the roof's middle as some ponies seemed to bring their worried gazes in his direction.

"I mean, if my memories are correct, there should be some sort of backdoor in the castle that leads directly to the royal storage room and…" John started, suddenly interrupted by what could only be the sound of a train's whistle.

"Shit, I need to get off this thing before it gets off to god-knows-where!" he worriedly exclaimed.

"Well, do that instead of worriedly exclaiming that you should do it…"

"That's admittedly a good point." John conceded, hastily jumping off the already moving train.

Landing onto the rails, he tried looking for any suitable form of hiding. There was none however. Instead, a crowd of confused ponies, worriedly eyeing him met his gaze.

"Well, I guess the run-for-your-life option isn't that bad after all…"

"Pff… For-your-life… These are ponies! What are they going to do? Hug you to death?"

Ignoring the remark John bolted through the crowd, forcing it to frightfully split, letting him pass without much problems.

"I don't know!" he exclaimed, taking a sharp turn into what looked like a small alley "Being hugged to death doesn't sound as good as you may think!"

The alley however, turned out to be leading right into the city's main square.

"I really should expect this kind of things by now…"

Suddenly, John noticed something at the end of one of the streets joining the square on its other side.

"What? No, I can't see anything there! Don't make up shit like that."

He noticed a certain door.

"Nah, I still don't see any doors over there. You know, it's not extremely easy to see something through all this smoke in my eyes. Perhaps you could give me slightly more precise indications?"

If John would have turned his head about 30 degrees to the right from where he was currently looking and concentrated on the small alley that branched from the main square, he would have seen what could only be identified as the castle's door he was looking for.

"Firstly, have you forgotten how good I am at telling left from right and shit? And secondly… I would rather identify what you're trying to show me as… a duck."

"Perhaps… I was also thinking that it somewhat resembles a small nebula."

"Yes, I think that's most likely a nebula in form of a duck, nothing special really."

…

But despite all the incorrect theories, the thing John was now looking at was in fact the castle's backdoor.

"Nah, stop with the bullshit, that's just a duck." John idiotically insisted, eyeing the door with contemplation.

"Hey, don't insult me! I may not be the brightest but I know a duck when I…"

All of a sudden, John's idiotic ramblings were interrupted by a severe voice behind his back.

"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!" cried out a guard captain pony, entering the alley with a small squad.

With a displeased "Fuck." John bolted off right through the middle of the main square, heading towards the nebula duck he had identified earlier.

"OK, it might have been a door, there's no need to send the Royal Guard after me just for making fun of you for a bit!" he exclaimed, plunging into the pony crowd.

Thankfully, most of the ponies preferred keeping their distance with this strange creature running through the city, followed by a group of guards, thus making his progression much easier.

"Ah, so much mortals in the such an orderly place, it would be the perfect moment to play a bit…"

"What? Don't… Or actually, please do whatever you want. The more chaos there is around, the lesser the chance I get caught."

"Huh, thanks for the permission…"

"Not that I really needed one from such a pitiful mortal..."

As John passed near a small vegetable stall, some of its articles suddenly started to move on their own.

"Good. I hope it slows the guards down a bit."

First keeping their normal forms, many quickly grew twisted limbs and jagged teeth, making environing ponies scream and run in terror.

Getting out of the stall, the vegetable monstrosities tried attacking ponies, provoking even more panic than John's initial appearance, thus forcing some of the guards to deal with them.

"Great." John mumbled, approaching the nebula duck.

"Shut up, I get it's a door…"

"Well, I'd say that these mortals should perhaps stop creating entrances so much alike to nebula ducks."

"Ugh… and you're at it too now." he frustratedly sighed, hopefully eyeing the duck nonetheless "Let's just hope it's not closed."

Approaching the duck at great speed, John hastily attempted to push its surface, in hope for it to open.

"And… Let me guess, it didn't?"

And his hopes were correct since the panels immediately swung open, easily letting him in.

"Oh, that's… cool I guess…"

Bolting inside, he looked around in relief. This relief was however, rapidly set aside by the noise of the guards' rapid approach.

"Ah… The Star is so close… I feel it…" Cosmic Chaos ecstatically exclaimed once John got inside.

"Yeah, but to get to it, I first need to get past this Grandfather Clock over there." John much less ecstatically sighed, pensively eyeing the latter before unsurely heading towards it.

"Well, this doesn't sound like a very potent enemy."

"You underestimate my weakness." he replied, putting all of his unimpressive strength into trying to push the clock aside, but to no avail.

Behind the door, the sound of the guard captain's orders already resonated with great intensity. They were preparing a battle plan.

"A battle plan against me? That's just stupid. I feel honored!" John sneered, putting his back against the clock to try catching his breath.

It was then, that the clock fell.

"What?"

Fell onto John.

"No! Don't kill me with a clock, that's like the least impressive death in existence!" he exclaimed, barely dodging it.

"You did get past it though. I think it's quite an impressive achievement for such powerless creature as you." Cosmic Chaos sneeringly congratulated him.

Then, she added "Now, get in and fast!"

Clumsily jumping over the fallen clock and entering the room that opened behind, John sourly declared "Yep. And let's hope I have the time to get the Star before these guards come down there…"

Observing the large storage hall around him, John mused "Wow, that's a lot of wooden crates and barrels… I really wonder what they keep inside…

"And it's a secret room too so, it's probably something… secret." he continued, going past rows and rows of diverse storage furniture.

Taking a stop, he observed the different containers with interest "I mean, this one is obviously Cider. That's some cake ingredients and… Well I rather wouldn't talk about what's in that one…"

His reflection however, was briskly interrupted by a rather upset Cosmic Chaos "Shut up and move!"

Slightly startled by the yell, he swiftly obeyed, resuming to walk across the chamber "You're right. Anyway, this big-ass richly decorated magical door should probably be the entrance to the even more secret section of the already secret storage room I'm in.

"Yeah, they clearly had a net decrease in terms of discretion with the conception of this one…" he finally sighed nearing the enormous entrance without much hope.

"Then it must have pretty solid locks at least." he mused, still holding a hesitant hand out. As he skeptically pushed its bejeweled surface however, the door immediately opened.

"What? Even this thing isn't closed? Like, who designed this place? A cat?" he confusedly exclaimed immediately after.

"Like, for the moment, the toughest obstacle to overcome was a clock! I'm really starting to lose hope in humanity… No, not in humanity, in ponykind. And humanity too…" he concluded with a confused sigh.

As he peaked inside with a mix of worry and eagerness, the sight of many stalls, boxes and chests met his eyes. Most displayed different variations of the DON'T TOUCH THIS sign on their surface, ranging from the basic inscription to an actual pony skull.

Despite the unwelcoming look of the place however, John's eyes quickly filled with childish excitement.

After a quick glance around, he immediately rushed to one of the stalls "Oh my god, is this Celestia's Holy Hand Grenade? That's amazing!" he exclaimed, immediately grabbing the hollowed explosive "Wow, and they even got the instructions!"

"And Celestia spake, saying, First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three…"

"Hey, can you stop reading stolen jokes and get on with finding what we actually came here for?" Cosmic Chaos rudely remarked, interrupting John's dramatic reading.

"I mean, you do realize you still have a squad of guards looking for you right now, right?"

"Ugh, fine… I'm keeping the Grenade though, it may actually be useful at some point…" John finally conceded, hearing the vague sounds of movement somewhere in behind him.

Backing off from the Grenade's stall, John contemplatively looked around, determination filling his gaze.

This determination was however quickly tainted as, with another childish "Oh my god! What's that thing over there!" John rushed towards a life-size plush of Princess Celestia.

"That's fucking amazing! I'm taking it with me!" he excitedly exclaimed, immediately giving the thing a warm hug.

"And how exactly?" Cosmic Chaos skeptically asked, her voice containing the complete opposite of John's current emotions.

"I don't care! I just need this thing!" John grumpily retorted, stroking the plush's mane.

A second later however, his excitement faded slightly. "Wait a minute, this place is like the most secret storage room where are stored all the most dangerous artifacts of all Equestria… So, this probably isn't just a plush…" he worriedly concluded, backing away from it "Yeah, whatever it is, I should probably leave it here…"

"Wait, now you're getting me interested in it…"

"Yeah, it's pretty intriguing indeed." John sighed giving the plush one last look before returning to his search "Anyway, I think your Star should be in that spooky rusty old chest over there. I mean, most things in here are stored like this but I think I remember this one in particular."

"Yes, I feel its aura. You're right." Cosmic Chaos immediately confirmed as the chest appeared in John's field of vision.

"Great. So, the only problem I see now is that it's closed. Actually, not only that, they've got that huge DO NOT THOUCH THIS! sign on it! Like, how am I supposed to lockpick it without touching it? That's impossible."

"You won't need to…" the other reassured, before suddenly adding "Metal is nothing but a strengthened form of… cheese."

After a short second of confused silence, John wincingly remarked "I really feel like your comparisons start to make less and less sense with time…"

The other didn't seem to appreciate it though "Well I feel like your idiotic existence is an insult to the very fabric of reality and that you are more of a mistake than the creation of mortal life itself. And yet, I'm not telling it to you. That's called being polite." she indignantly announced.

"Well, you just did it tell it to me…" John added with a small smirk.

"Shut up…"

As a slight chuckle escaped him, John decided to move on "Yeah, so, back to the chest." he swiftly declared, bringing his gaze to the latter.

"Of course." At these words, an arcane surge of pure mana emerged from the center of the Fallen Star upon John's neck, striking the chest's lock.

Despite the magnificent display however, the lock's metal didn't melt…

"Well, that's unfortunate."

…It evaporated.

"Oh, I retract my previous statement… Does cheese evaporate though?"

"Well, perhaps not, but locks do. And so will you, if you won't get that Star in the next three seconds!"

"Yeah, but there's still the sign. Like, I can't just break the rules and touch it. What would it make me, some kind of sick outlaw?" John unsurely argued with a wince.

The chest instantly turned to a burnt crust, the sign covering it not only disappearing, but fading out of existence with such force that permanently warped reality around where its once was "Do you really need any more illustrations of what will happen to you if you don't immediately stop being stupid?"

"Right, right, right! I'm getting it!" John immediately exclaimed, rushing towards the scorched chest. Hastily examining its ruined remains, he quickly discovered what he sought.

Not daring to disobey once more, he grabbed the Fallen Star without further ado, immediately putting in upon his neck and over the rest of his artifacts.

As he did however, a strange sensation overwhelmed him.

"Hahaha! You're all mine now!" Cosmic Chaos roared through John's lungs, feeling a great surge in her power.

"No, I'm not." apathetically responded the other "Why did I expect this…"

"With two Stars now in my control, my power should be more than enough to subdue this pitiful mortal! I always knew I could count on his foolishness! I'm finally free! Now nothing can stop…" Cosmic Chaos theatrically started before suddenly being interrupted by a —still unimpressed— John "Sorry for interrupting your villain monologue —that I completely get is extremely important and close to your heart— but… Well, I'm still here. It didn't work."

This was followed by a heated breakdown "What? That's just completely illogical! I'm a cosmic deity of infinite power and you are… well you are yourself! How is it possible that your mortally weak psyche can resist to my immeasurable might?"

To which John simply replied with a "Well, I don't know. I didn't write this." before letting escape a small sigh and adding "Yeah, and please come back to talking in my mind now."

After a grief-filled second Cosmic Chaos finally conceded "Argh, know that I still don't trust you then."

"Pff… Well then, next is the long trip to the Crystal Empire, I guess." John sighed once more.

"We still aren't done here though." he finally concluded, heading back to the giant exit door.