A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Nonchalantly walking through the cluttered storage room, John carefully looked around.

"Yep, I'm getting out of here." he concluded after noticing that several of the stored artifacts have somehow changed their position since he entered the room, one of these being the Celestia plush.

"This place's probably way more dangerous than any of the Royal Guards…" he mused, worriedly staring at the plush for several more seconds.

"And by the way, where the fuck are they? They had plenty of time to find me down here already!"

"I think that we've already well established that they're stupid, no need to emphasize that anymore. And then, isn't this a good thing? Do you really want to have to deal with an actually well trained and organized military? I highly doubt you'd be able to…"

"…"

After a small second considering this argument, John unhappily pleaded "Stop making good points, you're making me sound even more stupid than I already am…"

Continuing to walk nonetheless, he swiftly reached the door, peaking behind it to once again discover the complete absence of any Royal Guards.

"That's weird…" he mumbled, taking a contemplative step back. As he did however, the grand door separating him from freedom suddenly slammed shut.

"Oh, great." John indifferently sighed, trying to push it open again "I mean, it wasn't locked when I entered, why would it be locked now?"

It was however. Despite all of his attempts at both pushing and pulling the door was no longer compliant to open.

After a confused "Well, fuck." John turned around to look at the room behind him once more. It remained almost unchanged, the sole difference being the strange proximity of the Celestia Plush that seemed to have moved even closer.

"I don't like this…" John mumbled, his confusion turning to worry "Hey, Cosmic Chaos may you please get me out of here?"

"Pff… You should learn to get out of these situations by yourself. You know I'm no portable lockpicking kit."

"Ugh… Like can't you just help me instead of being a dick like that? I've just done you a great service by finding this Star and you can't even open a door for me?" John asked, indignance in his voice.

"Yes, exactly." Cosmic Chaos immediately confirmed.

"This is sad." John sighed once more "I don't wanna die, locked here, killed by some weird cursed plush just because my portable cosmic deity doesn't want to help me open a door!"

"Well, with this attitude, I'm surely not doing anything for you."

After another woeful "Ugh" John suddenly had an idea "Hey, thank you narrator for giving me ideas like that!" he exclaimed, immediately forgetting what he just thought of.

"Fuck…"

"Wait, I've still got the Holy Hand Grenade though! That has to be my chance!"

Taking the hallowed explosive out of his pocket, he turned his gaze to the door.

"I guess I just need to be able to count up to three…"

Taking its pin out, he raised the thing, preparing to throw it right at the door.

"One… Two… Three!" as the countdown was complete, John flung the grenade forward, but with slightly more force than necessary, making it immediately bounce back to be right in front of him.

"This was predictable…"

With a terrified "Fuck." John immediately picked up the explosive, preparing to through it back at the door "Wait, do I need to count to three again?" he suddenly wondered, stopping.

Before he found the answer however a soft yet surprisingly firm hit from something behind him, knocked the Grenade out of his hand, making it land somewhere in the shadowy room. After a confusion-filled second as John wondered what was about to happen, the sound of its holy explosion filled the air along with flaming debris.

"Well, I guess I didn't need to count then." he concluded before being forced to the ground by the blast of the explosion.

"Well, I guess I should probably prevent you from dying…" Cosmic Chaos remarked, as several scorched planks followed the shockwave in its effort to knock John down.

Struggling to remain conscious, John suddenly felt soothed and protected "Thanks…" he weakly mumbled before fading to darkness.

"Huh… Guess I'm alone now… Time to act…"

"5…4…3…2…1 LAUNCH!"

What? What's all that sound from?

"Initializing of the takeoff engines!"

Take what off? What?

And why am I in a room full of tops with all this scientific shit and these old-ass computers?

And everything's made of tops, including the tops themselves…

Oh, and what the fuck is that thing?

"Stopilizing systems engaged! Astrotops crew at their positions!"

Why? Why is there a giant top with giant flaming engines at its bottom flying through the sky?

Are these the lyrics for a new Queen song?

"Preparing for traversal of the Kártóp line!"

Well, never thought I'd live to a day where tops achieved a space program.

It's truly beautiful how fast progress moves along…

"Astrotops to Utopia! Astrotops to Utopia! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! WE HAVE A PROBLEM!"

"Oxygen levels critical! MAYDAY! Evacuation procedure engaged!"

Wow. Beautiful. And now that big-ass space ship blew up…

Even the explosion is top-shaped…

"Mr Destop! We lost contact!"

"No! They can't!..."

Well, I guess they all died. Fuck, it's hard to feel bad for fucking tops…

"Their sacrifice won't be vane. Because, indeed, despite these atopcious circumstances, I declare this mission a national success!"

Wow, that's crude. Like at least give it a minute of silence or something…

I mean, no one in their sane mind could react that crudely… Oh my god… Such unrealism is making me think that… Yeah, this may be a dream.

"And so, as Great Destop of Utopia. I declare this day as the day when the first top was sent to space and thus, a new national holyday!"

Nah, they all died! You can't just forget about that!

"Eliminate all dissidents."

What? No! Don't kill me! I'm not even a top! Why the fuck is this even happening! Stop!

Shifting, John slowly opened his eyes, his mind reluctantly returning to reality.

"Huh, you're back I see…"

As he did however, what met his sight wasn't really reassuring. Indeed, encircling him completely stood a bunch of confused yet stern Royal Guards, eyeing him with curious caution.

"Oh… I think I like this even less than the tops..."

"Cosmic Chaos? Maybe now you've got enough power to teleport me out of here?" he worriedly mused, concurrently wondering whether moving any further was a good idea.

"Perhaps, but it wouldn't be fun, would it?" the other responded, visibly disinterested in his current position.

"Well, I'd say not dying and remaining rather free sounds pretty fun to me, you know?" John argued, settling on remaining still and putting all efforts into not catching the guards' attention more than necessary.

Meanwhile Cosmic Chaos indifferently responded "I don't know… What if you finally tried dealing with something by yourself for a change or at least asked me for something slightly more entertaining, wouldn't that be nice?"

"And what if I didn't?"

"I guess then, we'd finally discover how unskilled these Royal Guards truly are…"

"Wait, that's a point." John suddenly realized, rapidly dropping all his caution to get up and attempt fleeing right through the guards, but sadly being stopped by the sharp tip of a Royal spear.

Fearfully backing off, he hurriedly conceded "Fine. What if you… reversed gravity in this room for everyone except me?"

"That's slightly more interesting… Not cruel enough for my taste though. Try again." the other responded, still unimpressed.

So, John tried again "OK… Uhm… What if you transformed them into potatoes?"

"That's just stupid."

However, as he continued attempting to come up with creative ways to get rid of the guards, one of them suddenly spoke "It may be trying to escape. We need to call reinforcements. We witnessed it being capable of terrible magic… earlier."

"Can you make their skin melt off?"

"Ah, that's much better…"

After a second however, John changed his mind "Wait, no. Actually, I don't wanna witness a bunch of skinless ponies convulse in excruciating pain. That's way too dark for my stupid brain. I need to think for a bit longer."

"Ugh… I almost though you weren't completely boring for a second…"

Then, an amazing idea came to his mind "OK. Then" he started a new spark within his eyes "could you please teleport each of them to random locations outside the castle ranging from 100 feet in the air to under the ground so that no one knows whether they died or survived and most importantly so that I don't have to witness their hypothetic death while still having this terrible crime on my conscience for the rest of my life?"

This idea wasn't met with much more praise though "That's just too complicated." Cosmic Chaos immediately dismissed.

"Fine then, can you give me a fork?" John conceded visibly running out of decent ideas.

"A what?"

"Just me a fork, don't question it." he insisted an eager smirk appearing on his face.

"OK, I guess…" the other agreed after a second of considering how a fork could possibly be of whatever use in the current situation.

As the fork appeared in John's hand however, he immediately raised it into the air, making all the guards observe it in terror "PITIFUL MORTALS!" he theatrically cried out "I HAVE THE POWER TO ANNIHIALATE THIS UNIVERSE AT THIS VERY SECOND IF YOU DON'T STEP BACK!"

Startled by the sudden outburst, the guards eyed John with confused worry, some of them slowly starting to move away.

Now wildly moving his hands around him in irregular circular movements John wielded his fork as a wand, writing incomprehensible incantations in the air "NOW BOW BEFORE THE POWER OF MY FORK OR DIE AS THE COWARDS YOU ARE!" he finally exclaimed, rushing right through the broken formation of disturbed guards, forcing them to step aside even further in complete terror.

After a second in silence, another booming shout shook the room "NO! Don't let him escape!" finally exclaimed one of guards, snapping out of stupor.

It was too late however as meanwhile, John was already hurriedly scuttling among the castle's halls with content chuckles, the frightened group of guards far behind his back.

"And that is how you defeat the Royal Guard with a fork." he triumphantly declared, after making sure no one was around.

"You didn't really need the fork though, did you?" Cosmic Chaos much less triumphantly asked.

"Yeah, it was mostly here for the surprise effect. But then, I also think this sounded much better with it." John responded, turning a corner.

Suddenly, the sound of wings cutting the air appeared from behind.

"Fuck, I still need to hide now..." John mumbled, noticing a marble pillar and hurriedly getting behind it.

A second later, a whole pegasus squad passed nearby, scanning the surroundings with their stern gazes. Not all were so stern though, as slight panic could be noticed in the eyes of several of them.

"You can't say I'm bad at dealing with shit by myself now, huh?" John sneered as the ponies' figures disappeared further down the hall.

"I can. No normal being, not even a mortal could have reacted to a man holding a fork in such… immoderate manner. You've definitely been helped by some plot magic as you call it."

"Yeah, yeah, you're just jealous of my amazing skills at creating stupid shitty-ass plans that somehow work!" he argued with indignance.

"Yeah, you might be right about this one…" the other conceded after a small second in silence.

"So, what's the plan now, then?" John finally wondered, as he peeked from behind his pillar before slowly starting to walk down the hall.

The answer he received was however not what he would have hoped for "Oh, I don't know." Cosmic Chaos sneeringly started "It's not like I can read your mind, your thoughts and your memories, seeing that you wanted to look for that changeling amulet the solar abomination that calls herself ruler of this land sometimes uses to spy on her subjects without bringing up more suspicions than her ungrounded reign already spawns."

Unhappily sighing John continued walking down the hall before stopping at a small intersection "Yeah, you're right…" he conceded after a small pause "but saying it this way was probably extremely unnecessary."

"What? You're not the only one who has the right to spew out exposition in the most unrealistic way possible!" Cosmic Chaos indignantly retorted as John took his time to carefully choose his path.

After finally deciding to turn right due to the visible approach of a guard patrols from every other direction John feebly protested "I would have loved to contradict you on this, but I also appreciate avoiding searing pain induced by magical torture so… Alright."

Now walking down a new and completely identical hallway, a resolute frown upon his face, John contemplatively declared "I just need to find the Princesses' room then. Should be easy."

Cosmic Chaos however, didn't seem to agree with this last statement "Find something. An action that requires a minimum of orientation skills that you manifestly don't possess. I wouldn't be so sure about this being easy… And it honestly already looks like you're lost"

After bolting to hide behind a pillar to avoid being seen by a busy butler pony, John protested "Hey, I might be bad at finding stuff, but you aren't." after seeing the pony worriedly turning his ear however, he quickly shut up, waiting for him to go away before talking again "So, help instead of telling me I'm going to fail!"

The other sounded offended "Because you expect me to have any knowledge whatsoever about a place such pitiful as the home of the fake rulers of this land? Why would I? It insults me to even have you think about such things…"

Resuming to walk down the hallway with much less confidence than several minutes ago John unhappily sighed "Well, I guess we're fucked then, I don't know…"

"You are." Cosmic Chaos immediately corrected "I don't take any interest in your useless attempts at achieving greatness."

Now scanning the hallway around him with rising perplexity John finally conceded "OK then, could you at least confirm I'm currently going in circles?"

"I don't think you need any more confirmation of that than you already have…"

"Narrator? Perhaps you could actually have something useful to say for once?"

…

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

As John was complaining about the air's lack of assistance however, he heard worried talk resounding from somewhere behind him "So you're saying that we're being attacked?" said a familiar voice, the castle's acoustics making it boom through the hall as if it was coming from all directions at once.

"Wait, that may actually be useful. Thanks! Sometimes insulting you is all it takes to get some actual information." John exclaimed as he heard the voice, nearly catching its owner's attention.

"Fuck, I need to hide too." he hastily added, worriedly looking around and discovering the utter lack of marble pillars to use as cover in the surroundings "Ugh, I'll go for those curtains instead…"

Just a second after John moved out of plain sight Celestia herself appeared from behind a corner, accompanied by a rather panicked guard "Yes Princess, it truly was a horrifying creature…" the guard started, worriedly glancing around.

"Hey, I don't usually mind criticism" John suddenly exclaimed from behind his curtain "but calling me a horrifying creature? Like, that's clearly an overstatement!" he indignantly added, interrupting the guard and making him hide behind Celestia's back in utter terror.

"It-It's there!" the guard shakily stuttered, too scared to even flee.

"Great. What's your plan now?"

"I may have none… But then, you know, you're not the only one allowed to overreact to fair criticism!"

"Well then, deal with it."

"Yep, that's exactly what I was about to do anyway… I mean, I can do it, it's not that hard… I hope."

While John got distracted by his internal argument, Celestia didn't waste any time wondering. Instead, she immediately removed the curtain John was hiding behind, charging up a magical blast in case of any hostility. Meanwhile, as the human snapped out of his stupor, all he saw was her stern gaze, observing him from a safe distance.

Not spending any more time in this standoff, he immediately bolted in a random direction.

As he saw John running away the guard regained some of his confidence "Hah! Not so brave when facing the Princess!" he mockingly exclaimed.

An annoyed "Shut up! I'm not running away! It's all part of my master plan!" was the only response he got, which still forced him to unwillingly shudder.

The corridor John ran through seemed different this time "Which honestly already is great progress…"

In fact, its walls now had doorways in them from time to time.

"Oh fuck, no, not doors! This means I have to choose where to go!" John annoyedly exclaimed, stopping in the middle of the hallway anyway "It's like deciding how to avoid the main path of a dungeon in an RPG to get the most loot! I never… or rather always get the right one… I mean, the wrong one... Well, you get the point... So, god, I hate choosing between doors!"

Taking a panoramic glance around, John got the real scale of the door problem he was facing "Oh, fuck, this was already pretty bad without all these possibly branching paths! But now… hell, what is this torture?!"

"More like doorture am I right?"

"Please don't try making jokes. We need at least one sane person in this group of one."

"Yeah, I honestly don't even know what got me, I'm already regretting saying that… Being in your mind is probably starting to have some unhealthy consequences…"

"Right."

As John observed the nearest door with great perplexity, he suddenly heard a snoring sound coming from somewhere nearby.

"What? No not again! Why can't ponies finally leave me alone for fuck's sake!" he mutedly exclaimed, immediately entering the first door he saw.

"Well, you are kind of invading their private property right now so, you really are the only one to blame."

"Uhm… You know what?… Hippity hoppity, this now is my property! You can't say anything against this, huh?"

"I highly doubt this would be a valid argument in court…"

All of a sudden John heard a sound that manifestly came from somewhere within the dark room he now stood in.

"Uhm… OK, so, I think that's the part I'm supposed to say Hello? and get scared to death by a nightmarish monster that was obviously hiding in this random room of the castle for some godforsaken reason, except I'm not actually doing that…" John started, staring into the black before him with high expectations.

Before he could continue his speech however, Cosmic Chaos swiftly interrupted him "Yes, instead you waste your time considering the potential danger that may lie within this room while making no actions whatsoever to prevent it from affecting you and thus putting us both into hypothetic danger."

"Yeah, I'll just go away." he concluded, giving the darkness a last glance of disapprobation and immediately exiting the room.

Once outside, he heard the snoring sound repeat.

"Pff… Is there a place in this world where nothing is trying to either kill me or interact with me in a somehow social manner?" he immediately snapped.

"You know, for the moment, I don't see any ground for you to think these snores are coming from something interested in doing either of these. So, please stop needlessly complaining. Your non-needless complaining already is more than enough most of the time…"

With a small sigh and a determined "Right." John took a step back from the wall, observing the many possibilities that opened before him.

"Well, I think I already explored one door out of… a lot. So, that's an advancement, I guess…" he declared contemplatively rubbing the back of his head.

All of a sudden, as yet another snore resounded through the air, John alertly jerked his head in its direction, finally being able to identify its origin.

"Oh, it's just a guard… Nothing unexpected here…" he stated, eyeing the snoring earth pony pushed against one of the neighboring doors, his helmet and spear messily lying on the ground.

"Wait a minute, I've got an idea!" John suddenly exclaimed, immediately realizing screaming probably wasn't the best thing to do in the current position.

"Yeah…"

Carefully approaching the guard, he hid behind one of the adjacent pillars, trying to remain unnoticed but also audible from his hideout.

"PRIVATE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he swiftly yelled, taking the most severe tone he could master.

As the booming shout resounded through the air, the sleepy pony immediately awoke from his slumber, confusedly attempting to steady himself and pick up his fallen helmet.

"N-nothing Sir!" he responded after several panicked seconds of looking around in search of the one who called him.

"THINK AGAIN, PRIVATE!" John immediately insisted once the other finally found the strength to respond.

"S-sleeping S-Sir…" the guiltily pony admitted after another second of panicked observation of his surroundings.

"AND WHAT WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO PRIVATE?"

"G-guard th-the gates to-to guest room 237 Sir!" the pony immediately stuttered, finally taking the most military stance he could currently master.

"EXACTLY! SO NEXT TIME YOU ARE GIVEN ORDERS IT'S IN YOUR INTEREST TO OBEY THEM OR ELSE I MAY NOT BE SO GENTLE! UNDERSTOOD?!"

"S-Sir, of course, Sir!"

Ceasing to outrageously yell but still maintaining his voice at the intensity of a shout, John then continued "Besides, may I ask you a question, private?"

"Sir, yes, sir!" the other shakenly replied, completely loosing hope to ever identifying his supposed superior's location.

Confidence in his voice gradually fading, John asked the question "Where would the Princesses' room be… uhm… and… uhm… what would be the fastest route to reach it from here?"

At first somewhat surprised by the question, the guard quickly decided not to think about it for much longer in fear of the consequences "Uh… It would be the third turn down the hall over there…" he started, pointing a shaken hoof towards where John arrived from.

"Oh, so that's where I'm coming from…"

Then, slightly less confidently continued "Then, I guess it would be the second turn to the right and the fourth to the left after that…"

Hearing a content "Huh…" from John, the guard regained some confidence to ask what had troubled him from the very beginning of this conversation "Uhm… S-Sergeant, could I please know where exactly are you right now?" he stuttered with great uncertainty about the consequences of what he just said.

John however, immediately responded "AM I ASKING YOU STUPID QUESTIONS LIKE THAT, PRIVATE?" he screamed at the top of his lungs, making the pony cower, realizing how unnecessary this information really was.

After a small while, all he could master was a weak "No…" that was immediately followed by John's heated response "EXACTLY! SO, GUARD THAT DOOR AND DON'T YOU DARE SLEEPING DURING YOUR SERVICE EVER AGAIN!"

The guard now sternly standing at his position, John slowly moved away with muted chuckles…

"I would have been tempted to once again comment on the immeasurable weakness of mortal minds, but even I am starting to feel like it's becoming slightly repetitive at this point..."

"Well I would be tempted to reiterate how stupid these Royal Guards really are, except I'll actually it because, fuck, they're stupid! Oh my god!" John internally declared before giving another quick glance to the guard he left behind, suddenly noticing one of the doors adjacent to him budge.

"What? I didn't notice that. But thanks for telling me anyway I guess." he continued stopping for a second to observe the movement.

"Wait, that's the door I tried hiding behind! See, I was right about there being something inside!" he triumphantly mused as, proving his point, from behind it emerged a rather tired Princess Luna.

"Fuck, I'm getting out of here." was John's immediate reaction, as he noticed the Princess groggily rub her eyes with her hooves.

Not wasting any more time, he immediately bolted in the rough direction the guard told him earlier.

"Hey narrator!" he called out on his course "You know, now would be a nice time for a time skip! Cause right now, you're either going to be extremely amazed of how fast I got to the Princess Room or, much more likely, you'll just need to describe how lost I am for the next three and a half hours, so…"

And so, John continued running in circles for the next three and a half hours.

"Fuck, I think that's finally it." John tiredly exclaimed, entering yet another room.

"You've been saying that after entering every single room for the last three hours…"

"Perhaps. But since the narrator is only supposed to come back when I finally find the one, to him it may actually sound like I have any vague idea of what I'm doing."

"You don't, though."

"Shut up! I do." John immediately retorted "Wait, that's the narrator I'm hearing! I was finally right this time!... I mean… First try baby!"

After a small chuckle, Cosmic Chaos declared "Yeah, it only took you three hours of mindless running, alerting the guards at least fifteen times, almost getting obliterated by both Luna and Celestia, and finally getting stuck in a potted plant… Truly amazing performance."

"We won't talk about that." John cut, suddenly extremely serious.

"Now get what you're here for at least… I hope it was worth it…"

"Well, I can already absolutely assure you that it was absolutely not worth it, but I'm excited about getting a new trinket anyway!" he exclaimed, giving the cozy living room before him a cheerful glance.

"Well, at least, I can't say you deceived my expectations due to them being nonexistent…"

And so, confident and proud of his achievement…

"What? Finding something in this fucking place already is a pretty great achievement to be proud of!"

…John determinedly walked towards one of the large cabinets that stood by both sides of a comfortable armchair visibly used for reading due to the presence of a lamp on the small besides table next to it.

"Did you just describe like half the furniture in this room by saying I walked up to a cabinet? That's stupid!" he confusedly exclaimed, concurrently heading right for the small ornate blackish box with visible changeling imagery engraved into its sides.

"Anyway, so, this thing's supposed to turn me into a pony…" he explained to no one in particular, as every single of the one person in the room already knew what this artifact was used for.

After an unhappy sigh visibly cause by the voice in his head, he took the box from its place on the shelf, slowly opening it.

"Wow. It's yet another shiny amulet like every single other artifact in this fucking country… I mean, I already knew that, but it still sucks." he sourly declared, moving the box a bit to see the Sun's light reflect on its shiny metal.

"Cause, you know, my neck probably has limited weight capacity so it'd be nice if they varied a little…"

Now taking the new Amulet out of its container with his right hand, he immediately tossed its box away without giving it a second thought "What? I don't need a nice box, that's useless!"

"Besides, it'd probably be a good idea to put this thing on just to look at least slightly less like a monster to every other living thing in this world." he reluctantly declared eyeing the amulet with contemplation.

"Don't really like the idea though… Never liked transformation fics…"

As he reflected on the matter however, a loud clutter of hooves and armor in the neighboring hallways quickly made him take a decision.

"Ok, it's pony time then." John sighed, finally putting the Changeling Amulet onto his neck.