A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

And so, still standing next to a tidy cabinet, yet another accursed artifact added to the impressive collection he already had hanging on his neck, was John, nervously waiting for something to happen.

And it did.

"Great. Love it when things happen."

As, almost immediately after he had put on the Changeling Amulet, John saw himself overtaken by a surge of green flames.

"Wow! Some flames for a change from the usual smoke! Amazing!" he unexcitedly exclaimed.

His non-excitement didn't last very long however, as once the flames have overhauled him in his entirety, he felt something change.

"Well, that's pretty fitting for a changeling artifact…"

To be more precise, as his vision returned to normal —as normal as the vision of someone with smoke covering most of his eyes could get that is— John discovered that he was now a changeling.

"Oh."

And it was at this very second, that several furious Royal Guards rushed into the room.

"Ah, I knew it was a changeling!" cried out one of them, discovering John's new form "Such a horrid creature couldn't have been something natural…"

"Well, it seems your plan failed."

"Thanks for pointing that out, I really wouldn't be sure otherwise…"

"You're welcome."

While John confusedly stood in the middle of the room, the guards didn't waste their time, rushing towards him, spears ready to strike.

Still slightly stunned by the transformation and trying to adapt to his new form John sighed "Great, now instead of an unknown creature everyone's kinda afraid of, I'm just one of these generic enemies these guards probably fought… at least once I guess…"

"And that's not even how this thing's supposed to work but... Argh... Fuck off... I should really get used to this shit at this point..."

As he saw the spears trying to impale him though, the melancholy that suddenly emerged in his mind immediately disappeared, making him clumsily attempt running away.

"Fuck, not only is this body extremely stupid and unusual, its center of gravity is even worst for all these Amulets and shit…" he mused, stumbling and almost falling to the ground.

"Well, at least I can fly… I guess." he remembered, feeling the new pair of wings on his chitinous back.

"Oh, and there's a balcony there. Perfect!" he finally realized, rushing towards the latter with all of his lacking agency.

As a spear almost poked him, thankfully passing through one of the holes on his legs…

"Fuck, that's gross…"

…John reached the outside, promptly jumping off the balcony's railing.

And then, he fell.

"No! How do these stupid wings work!" he cried out, seeing the ground quickly getting closer.

"Ugh… Well, time for me to save the day once again…" exasperatedly enounced a voice from within John's mind.

At this very second, as if sprouting from an unholy seed, on the wall of Canterlot Castle, grew a gigantic tentacle, swiftly grabbing John before he reached the ground and softly depositing him on it instead.

"OK, for the moment I'll simply thank you for saving my live and not talk about how useful this kind of things would have been in most situations before that without forgetting how terrifying it was… But we will talk about it later." John shakenly assured before suddenly noticing several royal guard pegasi still followed him, and swiftly rushing into a random direction.

Thankfully, in addition to them being quite surprised by the appearance of the tentacle, the thing almost immediately started attacking them, even knocking one right out of the sky.

Meanwhile, John ran. Not very fast and not very confidently, but he did his best.

"Exactly, and that's what matters!"

Then he stumbled off a small ledge and fell into a bush.

"Fuck. Talked too soon." he mumbled, as the spiky branches tried jabbing his rigid changeling chitin.

"Wait, that's actually not bad! I'm not in terrible pain!"

"Quick, don't let him get away!" he immediately heard some guards shouting. However, they seemed quite preoccupied by fighting the tentacle and only a couple of them actually rushed to his search.

"Fuck, it's hard to be a pony… Not even a pony actually, a Changeling… And one that can't even fly that is." John grumbled, in the meantime, struggling to get upright in his bush.

"Wait a minute… Changelings can do magic, right?" he mused, attempting to look at the horn that now crowned the top of his head without much success "I mean, with the amount of enchanted shit I've got on me I think even a changeling's magic should be enough to destroy the universe… Or at least to shoot some lasers, I don't know…" he excitedly added.

"Hah, it would be hilarious to see you capable of something more than… No, just of something actually, that'd already be pretty impressive." Cosmic Chaos mockingly remarked as the idea crossed John's mind.

"Well, we'll see!" he shrugged, suddenly pausing "Wait, and how am I supposed to activate it?" he then asked, slightly disappointed by the fact nothing was happening with the horn.

"And how would I know?"

After several more unsuccessful attempts at using magic, John decided that giving up was the most reasonable option "Well, guess this Amulet's completely useless then…" he finally sighed, struggling to bend his neck in a way that allowed him to see the trinkets that hang on it "There's no need to keep it on."

With these words, John removed the Amulet... Or rather that would have been his actions if he didn't run into an unexpected problem "Fuck! How am I supposed to grab things with hooves?!" he immediately exclaimed, repeatedly hammering the Amulet with a hoof in unfruitful attempts to remove it.

After taking a deep breath and calming down a bit, he hopefully asked "Uhm… Cosmic Chaos? Maybe you could help me with that?"

"No. At least now your form better corresponds to what you truly are: a mere insect."

"…"

After promptly ignoring that last sentence, John decided to postpone the Fuck I don't wanna stay like that! freak-out for the moment.

And as he did, he suddenly saw something else stuck in his bush. It was some kind of paper. Struggling to grasp it by using both of his front hooves at the same time, it took him several seconds to get a hold of the thing.

"Oh, it's a newsletter." he observed, finally managing to put it somewhat in front of his face "And… Well fuck…"

"Seems, I'm famous now…" John unhappily concluded, after giving the front page a quick read.

"Way more than you deserve to be…" Cosmic Chaos sneeringly added, with a small chuckle.

"It's probably better I don't look like myself right now then… It could have been problematic otherwise…" he unhappily remarked, still failing to look at the Amulets on his neck "I mean, it's still problematic that I look like a fucking changeling, but that at least somewhat resembles a pony…"

Suddenly, an idea came to his mind "Well, that's exactly what I was about to say."

"Hey, Cosmic Chaos, since you can make giant fucking tentacles grow out of walls and shit, it probably shouldn't be a problem for you to transform me into a pony by now." John hopefully suggested, attempting to scratch his back but being blocked by his quadrupedal state "Like, I've even got the rough form of it already."

"But why would I do that?" the other indifferently reacted.

"Yeah, that's what I expected…" John sighed as he heard these words "You're too happy with your insect joke to actually help me now… But you know, ponies and insects might not be the same, but… uhm… I've got no arguments actually."

"Wait, or do I?" he suddenly realized with a new spark in his faceted eyes "If you still want to betray me, and toss your Star onto someone else, you'd probably benefit from ponies not running away from me at the second they see me, you know."

Cosmic Chaos still wasn't convinced "So, you're asking me help you so that I can better betray you later?"

So, John insisted "Well, yes. That's what any intelligent mastermind would obviously do in this situation, but you know it's still your choice, I'm not judging..."

"…"

After a small silence, John felt his body change once more.

"Hah, this was easy."

"You realize, I could transform you into a small pile of ash instead, if you don't stop annoying me at this very instant?" Cosmic Chaos menacingly hissed.

"Well, good luck lying in that bush for the rest of eternity then. No one in their sane mind would intentionally get into such a spiky place…"

"Uhg… You've always got a point…" she frustratedly admitted, before disdainfully adding "Happy now?"

As these words left her hypothetical mouth however, John slowly felt the spikiness of the bush return and even intensify.

"Fuck, pony skin is shit compared to that thing changelings have!" he exclaimed, feeling the branches stab his sides.

"Better get out of here…"

Struggling to break free from the bush, John attempted moving the branches with pained grunts. It took some time, but after a brave and valorous fight, the bush was defeated. John got out.

"Should have done it while still being a changeling…" he grumbled, now observing his new equine body, that was sadly already covered in numerous scratches and cuts.

"Anyway, now that I don't look suspicious at all, better get to the train station…" John unhappily declared, slowly starting to walk towards what looked like a peripheral road.

As he did however…

"Well, shit…"

…an alarmed cry echoed from somewhere behind him "Quick, this pony has got the Alicorn Amulet!"

Preparing to frustratedly sigh before cursing and rushing into a random direction, John suddenly noticed an anomaly with one of his front leg "Wait, you gave me the arm back?"

"I though it looked nice." Cosmic Chaos sheepishly admitted.

"Yeah and perfect to stay unnoticed too." John sneeringly added, moving the arm's claws around as if he had never had an arm before.

"Fuck, it's so much better than hooves."

"Well, it's still less noticeable than having half the jewelry of this kingdom hanging on your neck…"

"You got a point." John finally admitted before the unfriendly sounds of approaching guards returned him to reality, making him instantly flee into a small alley to the side.

"Fuck, I can't really run from them now. Being human used to give me the speed advantage, but it seems I don't even have that anymore…" he continued, struggling not to fall.

Suddenly, John noticed something else about his last transformation "Wait, you made me an Alicorn?"

"What, isn't this just a pony breed like any others?"

"No! There's a reason the Royal Princesses are Royal! They're fucking OP!"

"You don't seem that OP at the moment…"

"That's my problem… Cause now, not only do I look extremely suspicious because of my artifacts and Draconequus arm, but also because you're too aloof to correctly know the races you used to terrorize!"

"I mean, you could have even read my memories!"

"Well, that's what I did."

"Wait, what?... Oh… right, the OCs… That's another problem…"

Too absorbed in his internal argument, John didn't really see where he was going "What? No!" this is why, only vaguely seeing its silhouette, John rapidly ran into a trash container.

"Well, at least it's not a bush…" he mumbled, slightly stunned by the collision. Then, realizing the guards didn't catch up to him yet, he hastily climbed inside to prevent the latter from happening.

"And now you're where all mortals belong…"

"…"

"Not only was this not nice, but also extremely easy…"

"And even more true…"

After yet another small silence of disapproval, John moved on "Yeah, anyway, I'd rather get out of here, because, the smell of pony garbage isn't really better than that of human one." he sourly declared, as he clumsily climbed out of his hideout.

And so, covered in blood and garbage, John finally remained alone in the empty alley.

"I really enjoy how this last sentence puts a great emphasis on my qualities. Yeah, it's very nice of you, narrator to describe me so positively." he totally-not-sneeringly remarked, trying tidy himself at least slightly.

"Anyway, I think I've gotten everything I needed from Canterlot. Time for a trip to the Crystal Empire…" John unhappily sighed, starting to walk, then, suddenly realizing he could move one of his wings.

"Wait, they work?" he suddenly quizzed, an ecstatic smile appearing on his face. Not waiting for an answer, he immediately stopped, observing the wings stretch and fold back at his whim.

"Well, yes, what I do isn't purely cosmetic." Cosmic Chaos confirmed after a second.

"Oh, when you put it like that, I'm not sure whether it's a good or a bad thing…" John suddenly stopped, his bright smile becoming a concerned frown.

"Well, that's a problem for later." he decided after a second in his thoughts "Cause now, I should be able to fly! How cool is that?"

With these words John stretched his new wings and started flapping them across the air while clumsily jumping. The plan didn't work out though.

"What? Why?!"

Because, though they graciously traveled through the air, the wings didn't really seem to grasp its intangible surface.

"Oh, you two can't just give me false hopes like that! I'm sad now…" John sourly declared, ceasing his attempts to fly and letting his inactive wings unnaturally hang down his sides.

"Although, this probably makes sense from a lore perspective…" he admitted, promptly trying to fold the wings in a slightly more natural manner "Pegasi can't just fly thinks to their wings, they also need that wing magic thing…"

"So, you know, you're extremely lucky you got yourself such a lore nerd as myself…" he concluded with a sigh "Well, at least I can still move these around… Which actually gives me an idea…"

First clumsily stretching his wings as wide as he could, John proceeded to wrap himself in the soft embrace of their feathers "What? It may look extremely stupid and be completely useless, but at least this gives my lonely ass the illusion of being warmly hugged while simultaneously not crippling my movements and allowing me to freely do other things… God, I would have needed that earlier in my life…" he immediately explained, unhappily starting to walk in down the alley.

Cosmic Chaos sneeringly chuckled "Says the one who deliberately chose to look for infinite power and shitty conquest instead of trying to at least find some form of company after literally arriving to the friendliest realm of the multiverse…"

Shaking his head to get rid of all this melancholy, John steadied himself "Wait, no. This got too real. Let's go on with spewing out shitty jokes and insulting each other, it's much better."

"Yeah."

As he phased out of his existential crisis, John didn't notice that he was no longer on a gloomy and desert alley, but rather on a lively and busy street full of bustling ponies.

"Wait, are you an alicorn?" an unknown voice suddenly called out to him.

After identifying that the question wasn't coming from a Royal Guard, but rather from a completely random unicorn stallion and thus that he didn't need to instantly flee, John indignantly started "Well, firstly, you don't just ask questions like these to strangers."

Then, catching his interlocutor's guilty gaze he added "And secondly, of course not, these wings are as fake as any of this shiny junk!"

As he pronounced these words however, pointing towards his numerous amulets with his hand he unwillingly moved one of the wings, the movement remaining quite obvious to the other pony.

"Uhm… It's all counterfeit." he immediately reassured afterwards "It's just some souvenirs for me to remember the beautiful land that is Equestria."

"Ugh… I guess let's go with the tourist route again."

"Oh, so you're visiting." the pony knowingly nodded, coming next to John to walk in his direction "And so where are you from?"

"Fuck, he's engaging in a conversation. Why would someone do that?"

"He's guilty for his indiscreet question and is trying to make up for it by doing you a service… Or Equestrians are just so overwhelmingly nice it's something common here… Even though I've lived in this world for the last few millennia, I really can't decide."

"Well, it's bad either way!"

"And it's still your problem."

As yet another internal argument was resolved, John caught the pony's questioning gaze, realizing that he still needed to respond "It's a faraway land, too long to explain." he quickly dismissed, then continued with a question of his own "And actually, I really need to go to the train station right now, so…"

"Hope, this gets him to go away. I'm a busy man!"

John's hopes were however deceived, as, his face brightening, the pony immediately proposed his help "Oh, I would be glad to lead you there!" he cheerfully exclaimed "Because right now, you're kinda going into the opposite direction…"

"Fuck."

"Oh, but thank you, my dear friend! I knew Equestrians were nice, but never would I have guessed they could be so friendly!" John replied, his tone and smile almost not obviously fake.

"Yeah, cause most kinda tried to kill me so…"

Now marching in the right direction, side by side with the other pony, John had decided to create and maintain the most awkward of silences for the longest time possible.

This plan was however quickly counteracted by the other pony cheerfully exclaiming "Oh, hey Chair Handle! Look, I've got a lost tourist here, wanna help me to lead him to the train station? He's quite an interesting guy."

"You're running out of believable pony names, aren't you?"

The pony in question didn't seem so excited about the opportunity though "Nah, honestly, I was kinda busy… and I've been planning to do some groceries right now, so…" he unsurely started, after quickly identifying who had called him out. Then, a realization struck him, completely changing his tone "Wait, is he an alicorn? I'm coming with you."

Now joined by Chair Handle, the group continued their way.

"So, how the fuck are you an alicorn?" the new pony immediately asked, getting closer "Oh, and why are you covered in shit too?" he added, promptly realizing that getting closer wasn't that good of an idea after all.

"Well, I've already explained that… I'm not." John frustratedly dismissed "It's all fake. Some souvenirs for when I get back home."

"Oh, and the shit is real though. I don't wanna explain it."

"Oh, that's disappointing… Should have expected it actually…" the other mumbled, already preparing to leave, but suddenly noticing something else "Wait, and what the fuck's up with your front hoof?"

"Wait, what?" the first pony suddenly intervened "How did I not see that? Your leg's completely fucked up!"

Preparing to dismiss that in a much similar way to the alicorn problem, John hesitantly started "Well… It's… Uhm… It's fake too…"

The ponies responded with distrustful looks "Nah, you can't say that, like you're clearly moving these little hoofparts at its end." one argued with a wince.

"Fuck."

"They're called fingers." John immediately corrected, interrupting him.

"Yeah, and also, why in Equestria would you get this as a souvenir?" the other continued, raising an eyebrow.

"You've got good points. But it's a complicated story that involved a lot of… boats and whales and birds and… I don't really wanna talk about it cause… I don't like birds that much… and that thing with the barn… and all the penguins and… It's complicated, just don't bring back all these memories…" John incoherently mumbled, his speech becoming less and less coherent as he went, even ending in quiet, almost not completely fake sobs.

"Yeah, I'm actually a pretty good actor as you can clearly see by this amazing performance."

Their faces a mix of confusion and empathy, the two ponies decided to stop interrogating John for the moment. What they all failed to notice however, was that a much larger crowd was starting to form around their small group.

"Oh no."

Indeed, as they passed by the busy streets, many ponies had noticed John's unusual condition. Not daring to ask him directly, many were still just too curious not to try following behind the group to get at least some information.

"God, ponies are fucking stalkers!"

And in the small awkward silence that followed John's theatric performance, their interested whispers could be clearly heard.

"Uhm… so, what was exactly happening here?" suddenly asked one, seeing that they have been noticed.

As the other ponies explain the situation however, John saw something else that interested him in the distance: the train station.

"I'm finally getting out of here."

Looking at his completely empty wrist as if a watch should have been present there, John suddenly produced a theatrical cry of distress, slightly startling the others "Oh my god! I am so late! I would have really enjoyed your company further, but it seems time is against us, so bye! I must go!"

After a second of stupor and several confused goodbyes from the crowd in which discussions about his nature and destination still went on, John ran off towards the train station with a relieved sigh.

"Fucking finally!"

"Oh… You got away too fast; I still could have played with them for a little!"

"Well, it's good I left then… Wasn't looking to cause random panic for once…"

"Anyway, now that I'm slightly further from all these ponies, I can finally scratch my back in peace without causing even more questions about this stupid arm…" John sighed, immediately putting his plan into action.

What followed was a pained "Ouch!" as, instead of lightly getting the itchy sensation off his skin, the claws simply cut into John's flesh, blood now covering their jagged tips and a small portion of his back.

"That's not good. I've told you this hand wasn't as good as my old one!" he crossly exclaimed, immediately lowering his voice as several ponies had turned concerned heads in his direction "Fuck, this hurts…"

"Well, you could have used the hooves." Cosmic Chaos sneeringly suggested.

To which John immediately conceded "Ok, it's still better than hooves, but what isn't?"

"Anyway, could you please get me some money for the train though?" he then continued, hopefully eyeing the air.

"But of course." the other immediately agreed, as a small piece of paper with the word Money written on it popped into John's hand.

"Meh, close enough." he dismissed, still heading towards the ticket booths.

Nearing one of them, John unsurely eyed the vendor pony within. He started holding his left hand out to deposit the money onto the counter but "Oops, wrong hand." he suddenly exclaimed, promptly repeating the operation with his right hoof "One ticket for the Crystal Empire please."

Picking the paper that John had given her up, the pony seemed confused "Sir, it seems you're mistaken." she wincingly suggested "We do not take invoice in small, poorly cut pieces of paper with the word Money badly written on them. It says it over here." she added, pointing a hoof towards a printed message, taped to the booth's glass.

"Fuck."

"Oh, sorry, wrong hand… I mean wrong hoof again." John hastily reassured, holding out an empty but blood-covered Draconequus claw instead.

The pony didn't seem to like it. A rather terrified "Oh…" was her first reaction. Then, diverting her disgusted gaze from the claw, she promptly decided to carefully put a ticket for the Crystal Empire into it and call it a day.

"H-Have a good trip S-Sir!" were her last words John heard, contently walking away.

"See, scratching my back was worth it!" he internally exclaimed, observing his left claw.

"Ah, always loved myself some intimidation. Good job for a mortal."

"I mean, she was much more likely to just call a guard or tell me to go away, but seems the gods of this world were gentle with me this time. Like, I do have two of these gods with me right now so…"

"Well, yes, it was somewhat forced, but such things can be tolerable when they're here to teach you good behaviors."

"And I'm honestly alright with that…" John concluded, finally entering the train after passing by a Royal Guard that manifestly didn't trust him.