A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"Ah, finally getting out of pony land…" John grumbled, his frustrated eyes crossing with the distrustful scowl of the Royal Guard he passed by.

He brought his eyes back to the ground "Isn't the Crystal Empire also full of ponies?" Cosmic Chaos asked him, clearly unconcerned by John's unsuccessful look duel.

"Uhh… Yeah" he admitted, carefully trotting through a slowly filling wagon "It's also pony land, but cold…"

"…"

Noticing that the explanation manifestly wasn't sufficient, he decided to change the subject instead "Ok, let's make this conversation slightly less surreal and take a seat." he decided, finally arriving into an empty wagon.

"Oh, they've got these individual cabins with like, four seats in them, that's amazing!" he internally exclaimed looking around.

Cosmic Chaos wasn't convinced by this discovery "But if there are four seats, isn't it for four ponies?" she skeptically argued.

"Of course. But as long as you don't have any friends, it's basically yours." John reassured, trying to take a seat, but struggling to set his pony legs into a comfortable position "Like, no one would be crazy enough to share their intimate space with a stranger!"

"You already forgot what happened in town didn't you?" the other sneeringly asked.

This unfortunate realization almost made John fall onto the ground "Fuck, that's right. Ponies aren't as socially awkward as myself." he unhappily grumbled, finally giving up any attempts to sit and lazily laying down on the bench in the least compact way possible and thus taking up two sits.

"Because who honestly gives a fuck?"

It was at this instant that another pony entered the cabin. Noticing John stretched out across the bench, he gave him a look of disapproval, followed by one of confusion as he saw that John was an alicorn.

Meanwhile, the once-human stretched his wings as wide as he could, thus emphasizing that he was in no circumstances ready to move.

"Yeah, that's right! I'm better than you! Don't even try questioning an alicorn's behavior, you pony peasant!"

Then he suddenly pushed himself off with one of his wings and fell from the bench. The sound of clanging jewels filled the air mixing with the other pony's muted chuckles.

"Yeah, truly amazing display of regality from you on this one…"

"Fuck off."

As John got up once more, his displeased gaze fell on the other pony. The latter quickly took a place on the other end of the cabin, looking at something overwhelmingly interesting he had suddenly noticed through the train's window.

"Yeah, yeah, you're not getting out of this that easily. I've heard you…" John grumbled to himself just loudly enough so that the pony could hear it. He saw the latter slightly cower as he promptly intensified his observation of the exterior.

Once the incident was settled,…

"Trust me. It's not settled. I may be done with scaring that pony, but you're not making me look stupid like that ever again, or… or you'll see!"

"You don't have actual way to threaten him, haven't you?"

"Shush. Mystery is the most threatening of threats!"

"Sure."

As John continued arguing with himself, while still struggling to find a somewhat comfortable position on the bench that allowed him not to fall off, the train's whistle filled the air.

"Finally."

And as it did, several breathless ponies, entered the cabin, most of them promptly continuing their way. after noticing John's overwhelmingly rude posture. But one decided to stay. For a second, he awkwardly shifted in place, hesitating to go find a better wagon, but after a look at the crowded hallways, he uneasily settled on taking a seat next to the other pony.

"Well that's his problem. Because now I'm going to sleep and nothing is going to stop me! Well, except if I fall off again…" John soundlessly proclaimed, curling into a ball.

"At least I can use these wings as covers." he realized, immediately acting this plan out "Hey, that's pretty comfy! Nice."

…

"Fuck… Why is falling asleep when I need to always so hard…" he grumbled after several minutes passed, disturbed by nothing but the train's wheels' regular clatter.

Shifting from side to side he continued "God, it's been so long since I actually slept instead of randomly passing out in the middle of a forest… It even kinda feels weird to have some form of bed underneath me…"

"Ugh… I just can't sleep it's so stupid…" John finally mumbled as a bright sunray blinded his closed eyes "Unless… Uhm… Cosmic Chaos, can you help?" he sheepishly asked after a small hesitation.

After a short confusion-filled pause, Cosmic Chaos unsurely replied "Are you suggesting I should help you to find the gates of oblivion. Thus, mimicking the strange rituals that mortals of this world perform on their offsprings to get rid of them for at least a small portion of the day?"

"Can I get a cookie and some warm milk?"

"…"

"I think I should take this as a no…"

"You should take this as a: Fuck off, despicable mortal. Not only is your very existence an insult to all of creation, but even more so is the inactive state you call sleep. As, apart from finally giving me the deserved freedom that your mindless psyche disallows me to have, this period of complete inactivity somehow renders you even more useless than you already are." Cosmic Chaos calmly corrected him.

First, John aprovingly shrugged "Ok, fair enough."

Then, he realized something "Or… wait a minute, no! Did you just say you're actually using me to do things while I'm asleep? That's the shittiest of plot twists I've heard of in my entire life!" he panickily thought, almost failing not to speaking out loud "But that's also fucking terrifying!"

"Ok, fair enough."

As his mind turned to panic and terror, John felt himself slowly drift off.

"No, that doesn't make any sense! I can't start falling asleep right now."

"Well, I may have decided to fulfill your wish after all…"

"Oh god…" was the only reaction John's misty mind could master before blacking out completely.

Argh… My head hurts.

It's terrible.

Fuck… What is happening to me…

And what is this place?

Where am I?

Why is the sky so grey and all this scorched earth around? What happened here?

Oh, fuck. What's that thing?! It kinda looks like a broken top and… Shit, it's running right towards me!

Wait. I think it's trying to say something.

"They left us! They left us all!"

Who are you talking about? Who left what? I don't understand.

"They fled. They left us all here. To rot. To die."

What do you mean? Who are you?

"I am one of the ones. The ones who survived. The ones who lived in this wasteland for all these years. All these years since they left us…"

What even happened to this place? I'm extremely confused right now.

Why am I talking to a fucking top? Ahhhhhh!

"Oh… A long time ago. There was fire. And thunder. The thundering fire that destroyed our… NO! I can't remember. I don't want to remember. It was all before they left us. It was before we needed to survive."

Wait, are you talking about a war of some sort?

Fuck, you're getting me way too confused. Like, if you go on like that, I might even start hurting myself in my confusion at some point.

"War. It's an ancient word. I don't remember hearing it for decades. It's dangerous word. They said war never changes… Well, there is no more wars to fight. Nothing. It's been so empty since they left us…"

So, this was caused by a war?

"Uhm… Yes. You can say that. But It's easy to say. Not so easy to survive. Not so easy since they left us."

Yay! Finally some information! Can I get an Achievement Unlocked box pop out or something? Cause I really feel like I've accomplished a miracle.

Anyway, let's not stop here. So, who left you?

"Confused. We were confused when they left us. We were frightened. We didn't know what to do. We thought they'd come back. We hoped they'd come back. They never did."

No! Don't get sidetracked! I felt like we were finally getting somewhere!

And honestly, maybe they just left because living in this fucking wasteland isn't something anyone in their sane mind would want to do?

"AND WHAT DID I DO? What did I do all these years? Are you saying I'm insane? Are you saying they were right to leave us? Do you want to leave too?"

Oh… Chill out, dude! I get that you're one of these mad exposition hobos, but that doesn't mean you need to have every single of these character traits!

And, I mean, leaving this place honestly doesn't sound that bad.

So, I'm just trying to understand what's going on… And I really can't for the moment… So... You know?

"Yes. I too would want to understand. To learn, to discover. But I don't have the time. There is time for nothing in this place. It's ruthless. Time is a resource. And I shouldn't waste it talking to you…"

Well, OK. But I still didn't get what happened… So, are you just gonna leave me?

"No! I won't leave you! I won't leave you like they left us. I'm not like them. Follow me. It's not safe to stay out here like that."

Well, I mean, it's not like I had anything else to do anyway. I'm coming, I guess. As long as you continue spewing out incomprehensible exposition of course.

"Come. Yes. Come with me. It's dangerous. You wouldn't survive… Oh! I hear it. I hear them. The winds. They've seen us. They're coming! Quick. We need to go."

Hey man! Chill! It's not like we're in any danger.

Like, the wind isn't usually that bad. What's the worst thing it could do? Blow some dust into my eyes?

Wait, that actually sounds pretty bad. I'm coming!

"Worse. Way worse. We don't want to talk about the winds. We don't want to see the winds. The winds want to see us. They're coming. There were no winds back then. The winds arrived when they left us…"

I mean, what is there worse than having some dust in your eyes? There's no way these windy bastards can outdo that level of evil!

Also, you're kinda making me curious of what these winds actually look like… What if I…

"NO! Don't look! Hide! You're going to kill us! You're going to kill us all! The winds will be our end."

Well, ok then. I'm not looking. I'll close my eyes, even.

Hey that's actually a good strategy to counter having sand shoved into your face! Amazing! I feel like a genius now!

So, since we're safe now, could you please try giving me some actually intelligible information about who these they you're talking about are?

"They. They left us. They were here. They were part of us. But they no longer are..."

Well, you just gave me the definition of the verb to leave, but I already knew it. So, thanks anyway, I guess.

It'd be nice if you developed a bit on the subject, though.

"Yes. They left us. It was all during the fires. The flaming thunders. The winds appeared with the thunders. They didn't like the winds. No one liked the winds…"

Well that's kinda racist towards the winds, not gonna lie. But then, OK I guess. They don't seem like very nice fellas anyway.

OK, so, to sum up, whoever you're talking about, they somehow disappeared after some kind of war, right? So, logically, it was after that war that made this place become a wasteland?

"Yes. The age of flames. The flames of the atom. I remember. The destop. He told us we're safe. We had the atom with us. We were masters of the flames. He didn't know of the winds. He left us too."

Oh, is this some kind of lore-relevant information you've just said? Amazing!

Firstly, are we going for some Fallout-like nuclear bullshit? Yeah, probably.

And according to what you just said, this they, you're going on about was, like, your leader?

"Yes. He left us. They left us. The winds never left us. The winds only stayed. They stayed with us. But we don't like the winds. The winds came from the atom. They came from the thunder. Because of them, they left us!"

Hey, it's almost like your incomprehensible ramblings start getting better and better over time. I like it.

So, I think I got most of it: A long time ago, there was some nuclear war in this topland. Many died, but not all. Then, it unleashed some kind of monstrosity and mostly reduced the world to a lifeless desert. Makes sense. And so, as things were going to shit, the elite left the planet and went to space and you're here all alone?

Did I complete the quest? Have I mastered the lore of this place?

"NO! That's not it. We're not alone. We never were alone. They never were alone. They never left us down here. The winds didn't have mercy. The winds made them leave. Many left us. But not all."

Fuck, it's hard to get into the lore of a top nuclear war scenario while understanding it all from the incomprehensible ramblings of a mad hobo…

And how did I even get into a situation where I need to do this?

Oh, wait a minute, I think I just realized something…

Tops, nuclear war, no narrator…

Fuck, I'm even back to being human...

Yes. It all checks out. This is a dream.

Shit. I need to wake up and fast then.

God… What is Cosmic Chaos doing right now?

Ugh… But then, I didn't yet get all the lore of this place and…

Nah, I think stopping a cosmic deity from controlling my unconscious body should be my priority right now.

Well, no more lore for me then…

Fuck, I was even starting to kinda get into it, but...

"NO! DON'T LEAVE US TOO!"

Sorry, freaky top man.

This really is a…