A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"…shame" John sleepily mumbled, stretching and shifting on the cold hard floor.

"Fuck… Must say it isn't really a change from the usual…" he continued, struggling to open his eyes.

A second later however, he added "It does change from where I fell asleep though… Oh no."

He heard hoofsteps somewhere near him, accompanied by the clang of hooves against hard metal.

"I don't even wanna open my eyes at this point…"

"Cosmic Chaos? Are you still here?" he called out within his mind, failing to receive any response.

"Well, we're alone again… That's… Oh, my god, that's terrible, I need to immediately get her back."

With these panicked thoughts, John immediately stood up and snapped his eyes open.

"Is it me or is there less smoke?" he mused, blinking and immediately proceeding to check if his artifacts were still on his neck.

"Fuck! I've only got the Alicorn Amulets left…"

As he was concentrated on the state of his lacking collection of jewelry however, his thoughts got interrupted by a stern shout "Captain! It woke up again!" yelled what could have only been a member of the Royal Guard.

Jerking his head towards the sound, John finally came to realize where exactly he found himself after his short nap.

"Fuck, I'm in prison." he shakenly mumbled, bringing a sweaty hand to his face "Oh, and I'm human too! Finally, good news!"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the iron bars that now held John captive, Royal Guards seemed quite unnerved.

"Where did it get all this?" one confusedly mumbled, unsurely sorting the magical artifacts they managed to get off of John.

"Not your problem Sergeant. We should give it all to the Princess. She'll know what to do." another severely commanded, turning his gaze to the now awoken John.

"Oh, god. They've got the Stars. I need to get out of here and fast."

Meanwhile, the guard approached John's cell "What are you?" he simply asked, distrustfully eyeing the human.

"Oh, fuck! We're back to this again?! No fucking way! Like, you already got me in here! Can't I just stay in prison in peace and at least avoid talking to people?" John immediately snapped.

While most guards were stunned by the sudden outburst and the Captain prepared to respond with a dry "No", it was all suddenly interrupted by a voice that John knew all too well.

"Oh, no."

"Muahaha! I'm finally free!" Cosmic Chaos exclaimed through the mouth of a unicorn guard that remained unnoticed for the moment, but now stood above the pile a loot, purple smoke cascading from his eyes and a maniac grin on his face.

"Wait, this may actually be useful to escape…"

"Nah, you should probably work on that evil laugh a bit more." John remarked from his cage, immediately bringing her attention to him.

"SHUT UP! You mortal!" she exclaimed, a blast of murky black goo bursting from the guards' horn.

Luckily, the shot missed. As, when the strange substance came in contact with the metal that separated John from safety, it spread, soon covering the surface completely. The strange texture of it shifted. It grew, presenting numerous protrusions and starting to spew corrosive liquids. Multiple tentacles and gaping maws now ornated its branches.

"Well, that didn't really go as planned…" John sourly remarked, eyeing the monstrosity that his prison had become.

Cosmic Chaos still wasn't satisfied "I'm not letting you live through this, mortal!" she roared, already preparing another blast.

Before she could continue any further however, the Captain regained countenance "SERGEANT! WHAT DID I TELL YOU TO DO WITH THESE TRINKETS?!" he furiously yelled, putting himself in front of the possessed pony.

"I don't take orders." Cosmic Chaos retorted, propelling the guards right into the misshapen wall.

"Hey, that was very edgy! It should have been be my line!" John mockingly remarked, seeing the strange barrier twist even more as it battled with the guard.

Cosmic Chaos wanted to try attacking again, but quickly decided it was only a waste of time "We'll, see who'll be laughing when this world is no more!" she simply declared, furiously annihilating a portion of the wall and going through the opening.

"Hey! There was a door over there!... probably… I can't see shit through this spooky barrier thing…" John exclaimed in her wake, receiving no response other that a distant exasperated huff.

The room grew quiet…

"Hey, your definition of quiet seems pretty flexible, since I can clearly still hear that guard battling with that wall-thing right now, and let's say he doesn't sound very happy about being eaten alive."

…quiet if it wasn't for the pained grunts of the guard captain or the metallic rattle of his armor being ground to dust by eldritch maws and appendages or the quite whimpering of the remaining guards that witnessed the scene or…

"Or the fact, I honestly don't give a fuck about all that."

…

"Anyway, now, I need to get out of here…" John declared after a small pause "Hey, can anyone free me? Please?" he hopefully exclaimed afterwards, getting no comprehensible response.

"OK, I'll do it myself then." he decided with a sigh "So, what do I still have on me?"

With these words, John plunged a pensive hand into his pocket "So, here's a paper" he started, getting the latter out of there "That's… not very useful…" So, he continued his search "Ok, that's a pencil, fine. A fork, I remember how it got here. Some dust, logically. An apple. Got no idea why I've got one. And… the Golden Apple? Wait, what?" he suddenly stopped, confusedly holding the metallic fruit "Do you guys even check people's pockets when arresting them?" he perplexedly asked, still failing to get any response from the terrified guards.

"Oh, yeah, it's cause ponies don't wear clothes, right. Makes sense." he realized after a second "Anyway, what was I doing again? Ah, yes, getting out of here… Must say, I'm not really gaining much progress right now."

So, he poked the twisted wall with a fork "Yeah, that doesn't work."

As he did however, the lower section of the barrier collapsed, giving place to a strange pile of unidentifiable degraded matter and a nice opening that lead to the exterior.

"I'm pretty sure that wasn't in any way related to the fork, but OK." John remarked, leaning in to peak through the hole "Fuck, that looks gross." he shuddered, eyeing the bizarre pile that blocked his way.

He sighed in exasperation, before trying to negotiate with guards once more "Hey, if you help me to get out of here, I'll give you an apple!"

Unsurprisingly, it didn't work "Yeah, yeah, don't help me, I won't mind. But I sure ain't giving you this apple!"

The return of a complete silence ensued.

"Right."

John tried touching the weird pile with his foot "Ugh, it's as gross as it looked…" he concluded, disgustedly wincing "What if I try to… Sweep it to the side a bit?" putting his plan into action, John saw his shoes quickly becoming covered in the substance.

"Hey, don't you think that we're spending a bit too much time talking about this pile of shit? Can't we, like, skip ahead a bit?"

…

"No? Well, fuck."

After numerous frustrated sighs mixed with disgusted gags as John continued attempting to clean up his way out, he had finally managed to create an almost clear opening for him to escape through.

So, he did just that.

"Wow, great description on your part here…" John grumbled, still shuddering at the touch of the ground and taking a pensive look around.

"Great, it only took like an hour, and now I'm even more covered in shit then when I took a dive in that dumpster. Amazing. I mean, it's not, like, the same type of shit, but…

"Why was I talking about different types of shit again?"

After reconsidering his priorities in terms of self-conversation, a realization struck the mucky human.

"Wait. There are no guards left? Are you saying that I've been talking to myself this whole time? That's… stupid…" he frustratedly mumbled to himself.

"Shut up."

After rapidly taking the remaining artifacts that the guards had the time to confiscate…

"So, only the other Elements of Harmony that are even more completely useless than the rest of my shit… It still feels good to have them back though…

"Oh, and there's that Changeling thing too. There's no way I'm putting it on again."

…John remained pensive for a moment, choosing between the door and the scorched opening that Cosmic Chaos left in her wake.

"Yeah, let's stick with the classics." he decided, going through the door.

"So, what in hell is my plan now?" he wondered, leaving the grim prison behind.

"It's not like there's anything other than the Star here to steal and I don't really need it now." he started, noticing small remnants of the panicked guards' passage here and there. After a second in his thoughts, he came to a conclusion "What I probably need though, is to save the fucking world. Fuck, I hate doing that."

Kicking an abandoned guard helmet and quickly regretting his decision after feeling a spurt of keen pain in his foot, John proceeded to clarify the situation to himself.

"Cause, if Cosmic Chaos destroys the world, well, firstly I'll probably die, which isn't the greatest thing to do, and secondly, I can't become a villain in a world where everyone's already either dead or terrorized. That's just not fun."

For a second, he grew quite to reconsider that last statement.

Before he could finish his reflections on the matter though, another realization struck him "Oh, I think I might know just the man I need right now, actually. I mean, not the man, the pony. Or actually, the weird shadow demon thing they call Umbrum in the comic but don't call shit in the show because no one honestly cares. Yeah, I was talking about Sombra." John finally concluded, stopping for a second to look at an unarmored guard that suddenly ran past, panic in his eyes.

"Yep, I'm going that way." he decided, casually heading towards where the guard came from.

Walking through the clean corridors of the Crystal Palace…

"Oh no, not corridors…"

…John quickly noticed the cozily lit crystals of the throne room in the distance.

"Ah, that's fine then." he relievedly sighed, continuing his way

"Oh and, whoever built this, was way better of an architect than the guy in Canterlot." he concurrently remarked, before suddenly realizing "Wait, I think Sombra built this thing…"

Which led a questionable conclusion "Well, it seems slaves were quite effective for construction purposes and… Nah I should probably stop myself right where I am."

Meanwhile, he was slowly getting closer to the throne room. As he did however, something gradually became apparent. Indeed, the seemingly cozy atmosphere of its interior quickly revealed itself to be but a shadow of the chaos that truly lied within.

"Oh, fuck. There are, like, guards fighting against a possessed Cadence while Flurry Heart is aimlessly flying and shooting magical lasers everywhere and like half the floor is made out of… like, brain tissue or something and there's that tentacle thing over there in the corner, doing things that I would rather not describe and… I don't even know at this point… What the actual fuck is happening here?"

Continuing to get closer, the situation seemed to become clearer…

"No, it didn't."

…or perhaps not clearer but rather more clearly incomprehensible.

"Yeah, that's more like it…" John mumbled, unsurely stepping into the crumbling room.

"Phew, at least that section of the floor I need is intact…" he observed after giving the general chaos a quick panoramic glance "Well, if you ignore that bulging eye in the middle…"

After a loose arrow landed just next to him, he added "Fuck, I hope they don't see me… Or actually, no I don't give a fuck they're already quite busy right now."

As a huge portion of the wall disintegrated to his right, John let escape a small nervous sigh "Yep. Guess it's time to act."

After several more seconds in light hesitation he rushed to the middle of the room, promptly dodging several lasers and spear attacks.

"Now, how does this open again?" he mused, searching through his immeasurably disordered memory.

"Ah, right. Dark magic. A thing I can totally do myself and…" he was suddenly interrupted by a molten burst of pure mana from an uncontrollable Flurry Heart he barely dodged.

"Oh, that's an idea."

As she was currently just above his head, slightly curious of what was this newcomer, John concerted all of strengths and jumped, grabbing the little pony out of the air.

"Yes!" was his first reaction. Then, as Flurry Heart attempted murdering him by shooting an annihilating beam of all-mighty destruction in his face, John barely dodged it, somehow managing to maintain his grip.

A second later however, the baby pony was gone, disappearing in the characteristic pop of a teleportation.

"Fuck. I need to somehow channel her a bit… Anyway, let's start by catching her once more."

Scanning the room in search of the pony, John rapidly identified her childish silhouette right above the ongoing battle.

"Fuck."

Then, she teleported away. And then she did it again. And again. And again. And again. After several more random teleportations, it seemed the tiny alicorn grew a bit stunned by this rapid change of location. She hovered in the air, blinking and ceasing to shoot any magical lasers for a second or so.

This was exactly what he looked for.

"Yeah, like, it's close enough."

With a relieved "Great" John immediately rushed towards her. Dodging several blows from eldritch tentacles, royal spears and crystalline shards that suddenly started sprouting from the ground, he found himself just under the floating Flurry Heart.

The baby was too high though. "Well, let's improvise, adapt and overcome." he confidently declared, promptly starting to use a pile of what looked like a mix of lifeless bodies, incomprehensible eldritch horrors and various silverware as a makeshift ladder.

"Ugh… Don't tell me what I'm walking on, I was trying to ignore that."

In the meantime, finishing his course with a majestic lunge…

"Thanks, I know my lunges are pretty good."

…(as majestic as the lunge of a decapitated walrus from a skyscraper would have been)…

"…"

…John caught the baby, managing to land on the soft cushion of, paradoxically room-temperature, molten lava "I don't even want to know how that's supposed to work, but since I'm not dead, that's alright with me."

"Oh shit, Flurry Heart!" he immediately exclaimed, returning his attention back to the baby in his hands "I need to somehow stop her from… Uhm… I don't… Uhm… Oh, right, that should work!" immediately phasing out of this small panic, concurrently exiting the pool of lava, John braced his finger, applying a proficient boop on the baby's nose.

The latter immediately froze, unable to react to such potent sorcery, thus letting John give out a faint "Yes!"

Making his way back to the secret entrance, John confusedly discovered that several of the fallen guards he walked upon only seconds later now rejoined the fight, their lifeless eyes glowing of the faintest shades of red. Casually dodging some more spears and passing by some more eldritch horrors, He reached his goal.

"Now, how do I make it shoot?" he wondered, holding Flurry Heart out as if she was a gun "Oh, right from what I recall, dark magic should be something controlled by negative emotions like anger or fear, so if I do this…" he continued, leaning in to be closer to the baby's ear "Boo!"

Flurry Heart shuddered, a fearful whimper escaping her little mouth. Meanwhile, a grand beam of obscure mana, cut through the air as a knife through butter (that is, if the knife was preemptively heated to exceed the temperature of the Sun and made out of pure, primordial mana forged in the very confines of the universe during long-forgotten ages).

"OK. I'm holding the living equivalent of an atomic bomb. If it's not worse…"

Meanwhile, the secret door didn't really open. It rather dissolved into the most basic of its atomic components that immediately evaporated into nothingness.

"Great."

However, the baby started crying.

"Oh, no."

Shooting even more uncontrollable beams of an intensity comparable to the last one, even Flurry Heart's wails seemed to emanate with such might that they gave the impression of dissolving the eardrums of whoever heard them.

"I need to calm this thing down." John immediately reckoned, using all of the zero appeasing techniques he was aware of "Uhm… Shush… Calm down… Please!... Ah! It's not working what should I… Oh, I've got an idea."

Snapping out of his small panic once again, John hopefully leaned in towards the baby "Oh, look at that beautiful shadow portal thingy of pure evil you just made! Isn't it cool?"

The cries diminished. Flurry Heart seemed interested in the secret doorway. And so, as curiosity overthrew her tears it was in another magical pop that she disappeared in the depths of Sombra's dark lair.

With a quick sigh and a "Well, I was going there anyway so… Yeah…" John followed her, leaving the chaotic throne room behind.