A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

The stairway that led down to Sombra's lair was dark. At least, it used to be dark, until Flurry Heart's endless magical lasers suddenly made it seem brighter than the Sun itself.

"Yeah, getting her out of here will probably be the second part of my plan." John mumbled, nervously observing the tiny alicorn.

"But first, let's try to find Sombra." he resolutely announced, returning his gaze to the ambient darkness. This darkness was however immediately pierced by another bright magical surge "And let's hope he doesn't get accidently obliterated before I get to him." he mockingly added with a sigh.

"Wait, would he even be here? Cause if this is the Comics universe, as the presence of Cosmic Chaos would suggest, he should be reformed by now, but what if it's actually not? Like, how would this work?" he wondered.

This reasonable contemplation was however swiftly interrupted by a roaring "STOP THIS AT ONCE! YOUR KING COMMANDS IT!"

"Well, seems he's here after all..." John swiftly concluded with a shrug, bringing his gaze to the floating pair of eyes in the little darkness that was still left in the place.

Before he could react any further however, another cry resounded through the air: Flurry Heart's cry.

"Oh! Come on! You made her cry again! It was already hard enough to get in here, at least make an effort to compensate for my struggles." John immediately exclaimed, swiftly clogging his ears.

Sombra turned his floating gaze towards John "Well, such pitiful problems are too small for such a glorious King as I to care!" he confidently announced, before suddenly realizing that this problem actually was big enough for him to care, as even his nonexistent eardrums were gradually starting to hurt.

"Cease your wailing!" he cried out once more, met with nothing but even more wailing.

"Could we stop mistreating this child and at least attempt somewhat calming her?" John suggested after observing Sombra's unsuccessful attempt.

"But how? It doesn't even obey the orders of the King!" Sombra confusedly exclaimed in response, his gloomy eyes visibly filled with dismay.

"Ah… Here I am, in the edgy layer of the King of darkness and slavery himself, while we both desperately try to calm down a child… Perfectly normal situation…" John mumbled to himself, concurrently putting all of his remaining brain power to find a way of calming Flurry Heart.

"Oh, wait, I've got an idea!" he suddenly exclaimed, his voice almost completely covered by the baby's wails "Make some sparkly things with your magic!"

Sombra didn't understand the point of the move at first, but then he decided that doing anything susceptible to remove these ear-annihilating wails was worth a try even if the chances of it functioning were extremely low.

"Finally, someone who does what I ask!"

And so, the King did his best. Lightnings of pure darkness flashed from his horn. And, as their sinister sparks stroke the soil, they summoned forth a grand pyre of pure darkness that seemed to emanate with the very essence of the souls of the damned.

"Yeah, that's not exactly what I meant by sparkly things…" John sourly remarked. As he did however, a realization stroke him "Wait, it's almost like this worked!"

Indeed, fascinated by the sudden appearance of the fire of darkness, Flurry Heart concentrated all her attention on it, forgetting to cry and thus, making the long-awaited calm return to the dark room.

"Great." John relievedly sighed, seeing the baby alicorn fly right into the fire before reappearing behind it without any noticeable damage.

"And so, I, the Great King Sombra has once more succeeded at saving my dear subjects with my infinite kindness and wit!" Sombra gloriously announced, his ethereal grin only spreading wider.

"Well, I was the one to suggest this plan but…" John's remark was promptly interrupted by another of Sombra's exclamations.

"So, what have you come here for, my dear subject?" he suddenly asked, teleporting right before the human in a cloud of black mist.

"Never mind…"

"Uh… Yes… Uhm, my actual plan." John unsurely started "I kinda got a small problem."

"I am, listening, my dear slave. All of the one inquires you may have, shall be immediately answered before you gladly turn to the infinite servitude you have always dreamed of as my personal coffee table, unless I don't feel like it of course." Sombra immediately announced, his booming voice filling the blazing room.

"I'm not so sure about that last part… Anyway, the problem I've got is that, well… I may have caused the end of the world…" John admitted after a small hesitation.

"And, you know, that's not very cool. So, it'd be pretty nice if you help me to prevent that from happening…" he pleadingly concluded, concurrently noticing that Flurry Heart had started to drag some of the bookshelves that once called this place home into the demonic fire.

"Let's ignore that."

"That is indeed a great idea, my bipedal, hairless and not so good-looking subject. I must agree that —unless it is of my doing— the end of the world is probably an event we should attempt avoiding."

"I'm glad you agree."

"And so, I assume that to prevent such a disastrous event from occurring —as well as to help your dear King, of course— you would gladly surrender your meager mortal body to me. Thus, allowing my great self to regain my former glory by killing your very essence and possessing your lifeless corpse." as these words resounded through the room, Sombra's ghostly grin disappeared, only his crimson horn now remaining floating in the air in front of a rather panicked John.

"Wait, what?" he confusedly asked, fearfully fidgeting in place "I'm not so sure about that. Can we reconsider the deal? Please…"

Before the human took any further actions however, the horn floated dangerously closer. And it didn't stop there as, swiftly reaching lightning speeds, it went right into his chest, piercing his flesh right where his heart was.

"Ouch."

And so, as his mind went numb and his vision turned to darkness, John heard Sombra's victorious voice in his head "Hahaha! Fool! Your worthless corpse will be an acceptable vessel for my grand return! Your service to the King will be forgotten."

"Fuck, why is everyone trying to betray me?" John mumbled with the last of his forces, collapsing to the cold hard ground.

Except all of a sudden, this all passed. He steadied himself "Wait, I don't feel so dead anymore."

A deep "Oops" resounded through his mind "I may have resurrected you by mistake…"

"What? How does this ever happen?" John exclaimed, his confusion suddenly interrupted by a grand explosion somewhere behind.

"And what was that?" turning around, the first thing he saw as an ecstatic Flurry Heart happily giggling above the infernal flames of darkness she had accidently unleashed upon the room.

"Yeah, that checks out." he sighed, before suddenly realizing something else "Fuck… Sombra, are you in my head?"

"Because of that unfortunate mistake of mine, yes. And I would have rather preferred being here alone. So, as your merciful King, I graciously command you to fix that mistake by dying." the King immediately replied.

Ignoring the order, John proceeded to lightly freak out "Oh no, I sure don't want that situation with Cosmic Chaos to repeat with him..."

Touching his chest, he found the fractured end of Sombra's horn plunged deep inside his flesh, without any intentions to move "Oh god, and I can't even get rid of this one."

"Hmm… what is that." Sombra's thoughts resounded somewhere deep in John's mind.

"Uhm, what are you doing?" John immediately asked, swiftly postponing the rest of his freak-out.

"Wait, you heard that?" the other confusedly re-joined.

"You're in my head, we need to share this shitty brain now…" unhappily sighed the human "Again…"

"Oh."

"That's unfortunate." the words echoed through John's mind once again.

"I've heard that too."

After a small pause, Sombra decided to address quite an important issue "Uhm, so, I guess you too will disobey my royal orders and refuse dying for my great glory?"

"Yeah, probably…" John confirmed, after giving a last glance to the fire around him and deciding to start slowly moving towards the exit.

"Such unworthy decision…" the King grumbled "Well, I shall return to my royal occupations you interrupted."

"And what were these, exactly?" John suddenly asked, with a small smile "Could it be, reading my memories?"

"Indeed, I shall…" Sombra gloriously started, before suddenly noticing something within these memories.

"Oh, dear god, what is that…"

A second later, he had changed his mind "Actually no, tis now time for your grateful King to save the world!"

"Sure…"

"Are you still certain you don't want to die?"

"Nah, I'm good with being alive."

And so, as the Flurry-Heart-caused bonfire continued to rage, the small alicorn now attempting to put even more fuel into it, John —now reluctantly accompanied with King Sombra— left the not-so-dark lair behind and ascended back to the throne room.

"So, where is this apocalyptic beast that we shall strike down in my ultimate glory?" Sombra confidently announced as they entered the throne room.

"Oh shit…"

Next to a pile of semi-lifeless corpses, encompassed in a cloud of purple mist, stood Cosmic Chaos. Well, not the goddess herself, but rather the ones worthy of being possessed by her bewitching amulets: Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Prince Shining Armor… and some random guard that happened to be there and only got possessed because there weren't any more important ponies left around.

"NOW, BOW BEFORE MY MIGHT, MORTAL!" the ethereal voice resounded from all directions at once.

"So, are you suggesting that the one who had taken my throne after my premature fall had been planning for the destruction of this universe all along?" Sombra unsurely asked, his ethereal eyes flickering into existence before John's vision for a split second.

"Well, no… " John started, preparing for a long and boring explanation "Actually, we don't have time for this, it would have really been easier if you read my memories instead of asking questions…" he quickly dismissed seeing the purple mist encompass the entirety of what was left of the throne room.

"Uhm… can you try teleporting me over there" he swiftly suggested vaguely waving his hand in Cosmic Chaos' direction "I need to remove these amulet things from them."

"Yes. Your King shall strike down his foes by removing the jewelry from their necks. Watch and learn, servant."

"Well, yeah, I'm waiting and… Oh, that looks nice." Before John had the time complain any further, a mist of dark shadows overtook him, soon dematerializing his body.

"Ah, yes, my cosmetic effects have been renowned far and wide across the land, until I unfortunately died… twice."

As John felt himself reappear in a different location though, something struck him "I'm behind a wall…" he grumbled, blankly staring into the darkness of a utility closet.

"Perhaps this astute tactical decision may look like a mild miscalculation, but do not fear, all is according to your King's plan."

"Yeah, but…" All of a sudden, a grand blast of acidic corrosion struck the blank darkness before him. And so, the wall dissolved into nothingness leading the way to Cosmic Chaos clear once more.

"Well, that solves the problem." John sighed, immediately noticing and barely dodging a great chunk of castle wall that was being flung towards him.

"It never was a problem. It was all calculated." Sombra indignantly argued.

Meanwhile a great roar echoed through the room "YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME!" Cosmic Chaos yelled as her attack missed.

"OK, I'll just run towards there then… It seems to work most of the time…" John finally decided, abandoning all forms of somewhat complex plans.

"And thanks to my tactical superiority, I shall triumph!"

Starting to run while continuously attempting to dodge all kind of blows, jabs and bites from the many nightmarish creatures that started coming out of the purple mist, John slowly felt his body become ethereal, transforming into blackish smoke. He phased through the ground.

"YOUR KING HAS RETURNED!" Sombra's voice resounded through the hall.

"That was nice, but stupid."

"We need to impress our enemies and they shall surrender by themselves!"

"I mean, that's already more of a plan than I had so…"

After remaining in the darkness for several more seconds, they emerged. Sprouting from the floor, a gigantic crystalline pillar cut through the air and mist, a rather confused John standing upon it.

"And how do I get down now?" he skeptically asked, fearfully peeking from the edge.

"Observe your King's skills!" Sombra immediately reassured.

And so, after being forced to take a hesitant step from the precipice, John saw another, slightly lower crystalline pillar arise from the ground, allowing him to slowly descend from one pillar to another.

"Oh, no… he has created stairs… This truly is the real King Sombra…"

The descent didn't last long, as before he had the time to argue, the whole crystalline structure suddenly exploded into shadows, encompassing John in its aura and making him reappear just behind one of the possessed ponies.

"Wow." he sighed, before hurriedly starting to run, as the pony had promptly turned himself and charged in horn-first.

The running didn't last long however, as yet another shadowy teleportation ensued "Stop teleporting me, for fuck's sake!" John frustratedly exclaimed, before realizing he found himself right in front of Cadence's mist-filled eyes.

He wanted to say something else, but Sombra's disembodied grimace appeared, floating in the air just before his own "ALL USURPERS SHALL PAY THE PRICE!" it yelled.

John tried reaching out for the Amulet on the Princess' neck, but was sadly interrupted, as, after yet another teleportation and a great explosion of shadows that overwhelmed the room in darkness like the greatest of eclipses, John found himself unable to see anything.

"Well, this was all very cool, but wasn't it kinda useless too?" he mused, blinking and looking around to find any signs of an attacking Cosmic Chaos.

Sombra didn't seem to appreciate the remark "How dare you doubt your King's decisions?!" he immediately indignantly exclaimed "You shall serve the capital punishment of suddenly stumbling on a small crystal!... Because in the current situation, even death penalty isn't enough…"

"And because killing myself is not something a King would do…"

And as the exclamation echoed through John's mind, with a confused "What?" he suddenly felt a small bump appearing just before his foot, the latter quickly interrupting his attempt to bolt in a random direction and forcing him to fall.

"Fuck. That's not good." he disgruntledly muttered, quickly raising his head to see that Cosmic Chaos had now emerged from the darkness and was preparing another attack.

And as the shadows dissipated completely, the situation revealed itself even more desperate. Surrounded by Cosmic Chaos and her purple mist, yet another attack about to strike him, John helplessly lied upon the ground…

"And, let me guess, it's time for a Deus Ex Machina?"

"Who are you talking to?"

"Oh, you can't… Ugh, it's complicated…"

…All of a sudden, in a bright flash of yellowish light, accompanied with the characteristic pop of a teleportation, Flurry Heart appeared amidst the throne room. Noticing the shiny Stars that ornated her parent's necks, she decided that they would be a perfect fuel for the fire in the basement, swiftly teleporting the Stars down there before anyone had the time to react.

"Wow, that's some next level bullshit save here, but not being dead is something I appreciate no matter how bullshit the reason is so... Yeah."

As the jewels touched the unholy flames, even their powerful aura couldn't stand its infernal heat. And so, the misty crystals shattering to uncountable pieces to become nothing but dust, the Stars disappeared, one last spine-chilling roar shaking the whole castle "I'LL BE BACK!"

"But, didn't I just survive these flames?" John surprised remarked, seeing the thaumatic explosion coming from the secret entrance.

"Mistakes were indeed made…"

Meanwhile, Princess Cadence was slowly regaining conscience "What happened here?..." she murmured, shocked after regaining control of her mind and seeing the apocalyptic scenery around her.

"Oops… Let's get out of here…" John swiftly decided as he noticed, immediately bolting away as fast as he could.