A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"A true King does not run away!" Sombra indignantly argued as John scuttled from the remains of the ruined throne room.

"Well, I'm no King and I'll run away as much as I wish. So, it'd be nice of you to teleport me down from this castle." John replied, getting relatively close to one of the numerous halls in the walls.

"No." the other sternly responded. And as the sensation of teleportation overtook John once more, he promptly realized that instead of being free of the castle, he found himself right in front of a still shocked Cadence.

With a quick "Uhm, hey!" followed by a "I really need to go." he bolted away once more.

"I shall show them my superiority. Thus, assuring my grand and undisputable return as King of this land." Sombra confidently announced, as John found himself teleported back once more.

"Fucking hell!"

And, before he could run away again, Sombra's ethereal grin materialized itself before his own, bursting into spine-chilling laughter.

"5/10 Nice evil laugh, bad timing. We really need to go." having these thoughts, John attempted getting away again, but was prevented from doing so by an unexpected event.

Indeed, as he tried separating a foot from the ground, he saw small crystal-like formations appear on it "Wait, what?" And before he even had the time to freak out, he found himself completely encrusted and frozen in place in a huge chunk of translucent crystals.

"Well, guess I don't have the choice then…"

And as the human desperately put all of his efforts into failing to break free from his sparkly jail, Sombra's ghostly face returned once again.

"Hahaha! Free from my prison, immune to the Crystal Heart, a defeated goddess lying at my hooves. What else could bring me down this time?" he triumphantly announced.

"A lot of things actually. So, we really shouldn't stay here."

Ignoring John's remark completely, he continued "Dear Queen of the Crystals, bow before me before it is too late. Gaze upon the corpses of your defeated citizens, admire the extent of the destruction I brought upon you. Give up your throne to one worthy of its rank!"

"Well, you actually didn't do shit right here. It was mostly Cosmic Chaos and Flurry Heart…"

"Shush. Some truths better remain concealed."

"Sure…"

"And so, I, Grand King Sombra, declare this land mine as it always truly was and should have been…" As he gloriously pronounced this last line, Sombra got so absorbed into his evil monologue that he failed to notice even what was happening right in front of him.

John didn't though "Please immediately teleport me out of here." he begged, seeing the three members of the royal family collectively preparing to blast him out of this world.

"…SOMBRA HAS RE…" the other wanted to triumphantly conclude, before suddenly, a beam of pure light shot right into his floating face, traversing the crystal behind him and striking a rather panicked John within.

"Kinda makes me think of that time I tried putting on an Element of Harmony… AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

And as internal screams stirred his mind, John felt his body slowly dissolve into dust. The light was overwhelming.

"Oh, fuck it's cold…" John shuddered, opening his eyes "Wait, where am I? What just happened?" he immediately freaked out afterwards.

"Is this a dream? Nah, there's a narrator. How the fuck am I not dead, then?" he continued his questions, desperately looking around to see nothing but snow and ice for miles and miles.

Then, he heard an answer "You thought their feeble magic could defeat a King?" Sombra exclaimed, his face appeared right in front of John with a triumphant grin.

"Fuck, he's still here…"

Ignoring the remark, he continued "Well, if you did, you were right… But defeat does not mean death! Because their spell had only expelled my essence into the frozen wastes of the north. And it seems you have tagged along..."

"Or they just didn't want to actually kill you… or rather me." John pensively argued, still shuddering in the ambient cold "Because these are ponies filled with friendship and love and they're way too fucking nice to attempt a murder (or even to build a functioning civilization for that matter…)"

"That is a point I can agree with." Sombra replied, before promptly adding "Not the first part though."

"Anyway, what should I do now that I'm in the middle of a fucking frozen wasteland." John wondered taking another unfruitful panoramic glance around.

"Well, I shall return and claim back my kingdom!" Sombra immediately responded, trying to force him to move forward.

The other disagreed "No. I think I've got a better idea." he mumbled looking upwards somewhere beyond the never-ending snow "Look over there."

"That is indeed quite an impressive mountain." Sombra swiftly replied, bringing his floating gaze to the snowy summit John was referring to "But it is nothing before my might!"

"That's nice, because we need to get up there." John frustratedly sighed, seeing his breath freeze in the air "It's mount Everhoof."

"Tis a nice name, but I think I would be better as: The King's Horn." The King humbly suggested "And still, I do not see the purpose of escalating it."

"Well, you don't know the Lore, do you?" John chuckled, desperately trying to ignore how cold he actually was "There's Grogar's Bell up there. If we get it… Well… It may actually not work since I've currently got two Alicorn Amulets on me and I still can't do shit, but perhaps you can use it…"

"And why would such a glorious King as I ever need some ancient bell?" Sombra indignantly asked, returning his gaze to a quivering John.

"Well, it's pretty OP, I think." the latter explained, suppressing his shudders "Like, it can siphon magic and shit."

The other didn't seem that convinced "But I have plenty enough power by myself!" he pompously exclaimed, as a grand pillar of pitch-black crystal sprouted from the frozen ground nearby, swiftly shattering to dissolve into shadows that returned to their master in a small cloud.

Unenthusiastically observing the display, John argued "Well, the fact you and I just got obliterated and are currently freezing in the middle of all this fucking snow kinda tells me otherwise!"

After a quick second in his thoughts, Sombra finally gave up "Perhaps… And after all, a King's might can only grow so… You may be right on this one, servant."

"Great." John relievedly exhaled a small cloud of steam that immediately turned to ice "So, now can you please stop me from freezing to death."

"Of course!" the other graciously agreed "Your demise shall be prevented…"

"For now…"

"I've heard that."

"And thus, I shall bestow upon you my Royal Skiing Gear!" As the exultant words left Sombra's floating mouth, John lowered his gaze to discover a pair of striped red and black socks in his hands.

"Skiing King Sombra… Why not?" he sighed, trying to get the image out of his mind "Really though? You've just given me socks?"

"Not any socks! But the grand socks of the King himself!" Sombra proudly corrected, a wide grin on his ethereal face.

"That's cool, but uhm…"

"Fuck, the idea of Sombra with socks really brings up some other images… And I really don't wanna talk about it…"

As he was absorbed in these thoughts though, what John failed to notice was the flaming crown that floated in the air just in front of him.

"Oh, right... That's better" he contently conceded, still putting the royal socks on "But how am I supposed to put it on my head without setting my hair on fire? And wouldn't it just heat my skull more than anything else for that matter?"

"Tis ancient technology." proudly explained the other "It was enchanted to float above one's head and bring the warmth of flames to their whole flesh."

"Couldn't they just use coats or something back then?" John skeptically remarked.

"Trust me, these were far simpler times." Sombra calmly reassured.

"Well, OK I guess." John conceded, approaching his hands to the blazing crown before swiftly retracting them, feeling its heat "How do I put it on my head though? It's too hot to touch with my hands."

"We do usually use magic for such tasks, but…" Sombra grew pensive for a moment, before just encouragingly adding "I trust you to find a way to do it, my dear servant!"

With a sour "Alright." John gave the crown a pensive glance "Ah! Got an idea!" he exclaimed, trying to position himself beneath "And now, I just need to stand up and…" As if caught in an illusory gust of wind, the crown ascended along with his head.

"That already feels better…" he muttered, feeling the warmth overtake his body "A coat would have still made more sense, thought… Especially for skiing. But it's definitely less edgy so…"

As all was ready, the King gloriously commanded "And now, march in my name!"

Before executing the order however, John doubtfully mused "Can't you just teleport me to the top of the mountain though? I don't wanna walk…"

"No. I have just used my remaining mana on bestowing these socks upon you." Sombra simply replied, slight sheepishness in his green eyes.

"Nice…" John finally conceded, heading towards the distant mount through the thick cold snow.

"And since we're on for a great journey, you might as well tell your King of what was your story before your arrival into my domain." the other suggested, his ethereal grin swiftly following behind.

"Well, since you're so motivated to know that" John exasperatedly sighed "Why don't you just read my mind instead of forcing me to try explaining shit?"

"What you are suggesting is far beyond my abilities." Sombra immediately reassured, his ghostly eyes displaying overwhelming confidence.

This confidence however, didn't seem to convince John that much "It's not." he simply responded "I know you tried already."

"Perhaps" the other reluctantly admitted "But let's say that, as your noble ruler, I refuse to expose my royal mind to the licentious imagery of my regal person that I noticed within."

After a small chuckle, John mockingly sighed "That's a fancy way of saying you don't wanna look at my Internet search history. But then, I can kinda get behind it…"

"Even I mostly try to forget it…"

After a small second deep in his dark memories, John finally gave up "Ugh, fine… Since we've got plenty of time left to waste anyway… Might as well start explaining…"

Before he could say anything else though, shaking the environing snowy plains with the pure intensity of its sound alone, a grand roar suddenly echoed from somewhere behind John's back.

"Oh, fuck..."