A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"HAHAHA! The power is mine! And now is the perfect moment to do my cliché villain monologue that I prepared for this special occasion!" exclaimed John, as he removed the glass protection above the Amulet and extracted it from its pedestal.

Lifting the jewel, he put it around his neck, a troubled Zecora slightly wincing at this sight. She wasn't able to stop him. It was too late. Now, she could only watch and hope something wouldn't work...

"Wait, I don't really feel anything. That thing's broken or something? I mean, I sure feel its influence, but the only thing it changed is the fact I really don't want to remove it. But otherwise... I don't even feel especially more evil. Now that I think about it, I guess it makes some sense. It would have been too easy to get access to power this fast! And then, if this thing's supposed to amplify my magical skills then, there really isn't anything to amplify...

"Wait, I nearly forgot! There's also that cool thing with the red eyes and that smoky thing coming from them when you put that thing on! I bet I look edgy as fuck right now!... Oh, shit... that's terrible. I can see it. The red smoke! I can see the red thing coming from my eyes and separating from my retina! Yuck! And I constantly have that red thing on the side of my vision and it's... Oh no, and now that I saw it, my eyes are itching! That's just... Uh, I guess an edgy look demands sacrifices..."

"If it causes you so much pain,
Why would you suffer this in vain?
Remove this jewel from your neck
Or its evil magic will keep you in check!"

"Well, I can't! The only part of the Amulet that really worked —except for the eyes thing, of course— is the fact I don't want to remove it! And then I don't want to get rid of this edgy look! I didn't come here for nothing, did I?

"I don't feel corrupted anyway! And even if I do, what am I able to accomplish without any magic or physical strength or knowledge... or anything really! I mean, my cool red eyes won't hurt anyone! Also, if I keep the jewel, no one else will be able to steal it! You have one less thing to care about! Isn't less work only beneficial? I think so at least!"

"Do not try to fool me fiend!..."

"Hey, I'm not a fiend! I'm John! I know finding rhymes is hard but... Calling me a fiend is just rude!

"You know, I feel highly... something... I can't come up with a cool adjective..." exclaimed John, extremely upset. "Yeah, that's right! I'm extremely upset right now!"

However, as he noticed Zecora's unimpressed look, his overwhelming discontent suddenly disappeared. "Uh, sorry, I guess I should let you finish your poem before complaining..."

"...I see right through your wicked game!
Your will to rule this thing will teend
As in the darkness burns its flame"

"That sounds cool and all, but... It doesn't really mean anything! Could you please explain with actual words that make sense?... Uh, I guess not since you need to make your lines rhyme... It must be really hard to speak like this every day!

"Well, all this is sad and all, but I've got other shit to steal! So, I beg your pardon, because now is the time for me to go!" saying this, John started walking towards the door. However, before he could even take his second step, he was forcibly interrupted by a determined hoof.

"Stop! I will not let you go!
You are a menace, take it slow!
I will call others here at dawn
The Amulet shall be withdrawn!"

"Uh, don't be a dick! I'm not dangerous! I'm just going to steal the Elements of Harmony and eventually try to rule the world. It's not that bad, is it?... I mean... just let me go! You won't be able to keep me here anyway! I have the help of somebody you can't really go against. Right, narrator?" said the arrogant jerk who wasn't about to get help from any outer beings in the near future.

"Huh, I guess not then... Anyway, I could just use my amazing quickness and dexterity to get through your door! Don't even think I'm intimidated by some zebra!" pronouncing these words, John tried performing one of his —now trademark— lunges, but failed as he did the last times. Stumbling upon some piece of furniture he crashed on the cold and dusty floor.

"Haha! I might... cough... have crashed like... cough... an idiot, but at least now... cough... I'm closer to the door... cough!" and he was right. Despite his laughable moves, the break through worked. He now lied just behind the exit, his head and face blocking it from opening.

Wasting no time —except for the time spent celebrating his success—...

"Hey, it wasn't a wast of time! I need to congratulate myself when I do something good!"

...he stood up and grabbed the door handle.

"Wait, a door handle? You're ponies, how are you supposed to open those with hooves?... I guess it isn't important right now!

"Bye! I hope my nocturnal visit didn't bother you too much! Anyway, I need to go now. Please don't send the entirety of the Mane six to my research! I'm already bad enough at this!" finishing his —way too long— goodbye speech, John opened the door and exited the hut. Once outside, he picked a random direction in the darkness of the forest and just run as fast as he could.

"Geez, this was longer than expected!... Sad that the Amulet doesn't work, but I guess it could have been worse...

"Wait, what the fuck are these red halos on the floor? And they seem to follow my sight. Weird... Oh, these are my eyes! That's already something positive, I can use my eyes as flashlights! But really dim and reddish and not very practical flashlights... That's almost pretty good! Shit, now that I thought about my eyes, I see that smoke thing again! Uh, its horrible!" continuing to run in the —almost complete— darkness while endlessly arguing with himself, John didn't see a gnarled root on the ground, stumbling on it and falling face-first in the mud.

"FUCK!"

Spitting out the dirt that got into his mouth, he tried making up his mind but failed miserably.

"Uh, shit, I'm tired as fuck! I mean, you can't blame me, I didn't sleep for about a whole day!... Oh no, are telling me that I'm about to fall asleep in the dirt in the middle of the fores...snore..." failing to finish his sentence, the adrenaline that kept him awake for all this time finally running out, John fell asleep almost instantly.

The scene was rather funny to look at. In the dirt...

Uh... what a weird dream...

It was like I was in the land of ponies, running through the forest and talking to the narrator... Huh, and that guy was such a jerk!

Wait, why is there this smoky shit everywhere and nothing is clear and precise?

Are you telling me that this is the dream? No, that's just stupid!

Oh, I know, I could just try spinning my top and seeing whether it stops or not. I always wanted to try doing this test!

So, I spin it, and here it goes!

...

It's spinning...

...

It's still spinning...

...

Oh, fuck, I hate waiting! And then how long are these things supposed to spin anyway? What if it stops, but only in two hours? I don't want to wait for two hours!

Stupid top!

"Hey, shut up! I'm not stupid!"

Did this top just talk to me?

"Yes! And I won't leave an insult to the top race unpunished!"

OK, maybe instead of yelling at me, you could tell me whether you're about to stop spinning?

"Stopping? Don't expect such a favor from me! I'm spinning and won't stop anytime soon! Oh, these humans are such jerks nowadays!

Then I guess this is a dream...

But then, in reality, I'm in the world of ponies, sleeping in the dirt, in the middle of the Everfree Forest, as the narrator's probably spends his time mocking me while I can't argue against...

This world is just completely stupid!... and unfair...

"Stop complaining, you sick fuck! This place is already shitty enough, I don't need any depressive humans taking important life decisions!"

Shut up, you, top! I didn't think tops were suck jerks, but you're really changing my mind on the way to consider your race!

"Wrong! Tops are the best, greatest and mightiest creatures of all! They shall rule the world as the human society crumbles before their infinite might! The only thing stopping the for the moment is... well, the fact they're tops..."

Yeah, that's right, you're trying to convince me that you're the greatest thing in the universe? Just shut up!

"Insignificant human! Bow before your top overlord! You know, there's a good reason for the fact we're called 'tops'! It's because we're on top of all! The peak of evolution! Superiority at its height! None shall stand against us!"

Right...

"And you, pathetic creature, can only admire our endless greatness! Indeed, the shape of a top is the one representing the Sun in all top cultures! There's a good reason to that!..."

You know what, I'll just stop listening to you, because what you say is nice and all, but I'm really skeptical about the tops' superiority and you aren't really helping me to believe in it.

OK...

Oh shit, I can see that red thing in my eyes again! Even my dreams aren't safe of it...

I wonder if I'm far away from the Elements right now... Tomorrow's going to be pretty hard day...

"Uh, pardon me?"

Hey, I told you to shut up! These tops really are jerks!

"What meanest thou?"

Wait, you don't sound like a top... You sound like someone else...

...

OK, you are indeed not a top... But that's not better!

I know what you're thinking, Princess Luna... Well, actually I don't but that would have been a pretty cool thing to be able to do...

Anyway, your head is probably swarming with questions such as: who the fuck am I, or why do I know your name. And then, you were probably about to ask me why the fuck was I talking to a top, how did I get the Alicorn Amulet and —most importantly— do I want to fuck.

"What?!"

Well, maybe not that (I guess all these fanfic authors were terribly unrealistic then, strange)... But I'm still probably right for the rest of those!

"What creature art thou?"

Hah! See? I was right about that question!

Also, I didn't think you'd actually talk in that shitty way inexperienced writers try to imitate ancient English by replacing all yous by thous and putting some rs at the end of verbs.

"I do not permit thou to criticize my language in such ways! Know that you face the Princess of the Night, ruler of Equestria, keeper of dreams..."

Yeah, yeah, I know! I'm far more informed than you think actually! I know everything about you!... Maybe a bit more than I would have wanted actually...

"How canst thou be aware of such information? I have never seen thee before!"

It's hard to explain... And then, I really don't want to talk right now. Especially about this... My conversation with the top was more than enough! Just can't you, ponies, leave me alone in my dreams at least?

"I art the Princess of Dreams! It is my duty to patrol this realm! Thou art wearing the Alicorn Amulet! Oust it or meet the consequences of my royal wrath!"

And again, I was right about the fourth question... we're getting closer to the last one!

Anyway, I don't have the time for this, I need to go now! I hope you don't tell the fact some random and bizarre creature stole the Alicorn Amulet to anyone. I mean, I wouldn't want all the —extremely competent— royal guard to be after me! Goodbye, Princess of the Night, this was an extremely useless and stupid dialogue!

...

Oh, right, that's a dream, I can't go anywhere...

I mean, I can't unless I just randomly wake up for no reason other than plot con...

"...venience" mumbled John as his tired brain started emerging from its deep slumber.

"Oh fuck, you again! I thought I finally managed to get rid of you!

"Wait, now that my eyes are closed, some of that red smoke thing gets trapped under my eyelids. My vision's completely filled with red shit! It's like sitting next to a campfire, but you're the one who ends up getting all the smoke! Uh, it's really starting to itch!

"I guess there's one more reason to open my eyes..." snapping his aching eyes open, John almost instantly started to rub them.

"Uh, that's so much better!" he exclaimed, looking around the thick forest he was in.

"Uh, finally some —almost complete— solitude! I didn't talk to myself in ages! And in addition, for all this time, I needed to have actual conversations with beings that weren't me! This adventure is just a complete torture! And then, now that both Luna and Zecora know of me, I'm 100% sure they'll send somepony to my research. Uh, I hope I won't need to deal with the Mane 6 in the near future...

"And knowing the narrator, some random pony's going to come out of the bushes in the next two seconds forcing me to have a long and boring conversation..."

...

"Oh, am I really alone for once? That's just amazing! Thanks mate!

"So, now that I can think normally, where am I and what should I do next?"