A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

As he stood up, regaining his feelings after the teleportation, John took a panoramic glance of the surroundings.

"Huh, the view is pretty nice here." he mumbled before hearing yet another grunt coming from behind his back. It seemed closer this time.

"Wait, what was that?" he worriedly wondered, promptly turning around to discover an imposing Storm Creature, looking down at him with its small turquoise eyes and a stern frown.

"Oh. Well, hello there!" John anxiously yelped before immediately attempting to run away.

He was however swiftly interrupted by one of the creature's large hands as it grabbed him without any further ado.

"That's disappointing" John sighed as the Strom Guard slowly started to drag him across the floor "I thought I would be able to spend at least a minute here without being caught."

"You're overestimating yourself."

He heard the creature grunt again, as if calling for someone "I should probably start trying to free myself though." John concurrently thought, swiftly starting to wildly shift and struggle.

The Grunt seemed confused for a second, looking down at his prisoner with bemusement. The next second though, he simply pointed the spear he held in his other hand right at John's face.

"Oh, fuck." The latter immediately ceased all movement "These guys ain't no Royal Guard…"

From the side, some other Storm Guards arrived. The looked at John with interest, exchanging concerned grunts and growls. One immediately went further down the hall where the first Grunt was dragging John, some others joined him.

"Hey, Sombra, since my amazing strategy didn't really work, could you maybe save me?" John pleaded in his mind as he saw the guards gathering around him.

"Well, yes, but actually no." the other dryly responded "I just want to see you dragged across the floor for some time."

"Nice." John sighed at first "Guess you ain't helping me either, eh narrator?"

Then, he realized something "Wait, is this that bad of a position though?" A small bump in the floor gave him a hint at the answer.

"No, but, like, I may be dragged across the floor by several armed creatures that really don't look that nice, heading god-knows-where and just honestly lacking basic comfort, but at least I'm not lost!" he pensively explained "Cause, with my orientation skills, I feel like I would have just spent the next day or so randomly running around this place, dodging guards and just not going anywhere. I mean, when you think about it, this is probably the best position I could have been in right now!"

"Just please don't say it was all part of your plan…"

"Nah, that would be way too cliché!" John simply dismissed.

As John continued talking to himself, some guards brought their attention back to him. They seemed quite annoyed.

"What?" John indignantly asked "Can't a man talk to himself in piece nowadays?"

It seemed the answer was "No" as, after staring at him for a split second longer, one of the Grunts took out his shield and lightly hit John on the skull. The human immediately passed out.

"Why didn't I ever think of doing so myself?" Sombra wondered in the meantime.

What?

Where am I?

Wait, that just sounds like the begging of every fucking dream!

Hmm, that's a nice void I have around me…

Bu then, there's no tops, and that's already a positive point.

Wait, I don't think I've got any dream protection right now…

Which would mean that…

"Hello there."

Yeah…

Well, hello, Princess Luna of Canterlot, Mistress of Dreams and Protectress of the Night! I here welcome you to the glorious realm which is my dreamscape! Though, it may be quite empty at the moment due to the fact being bonked on the head isn't the soundest way of falling asleep…

"…?"

And I know you may be confused on the nature of my being, but I sadly won't tell you anything on this subject as, the last time I did, you tried and nearly managed to kill me. Which isn't really something I was that fond of.

"What? What are you talking about?!"

Well, I'm just referring to the fact that in that other universe I mostly destroyed, after meeting you in quite a similar fashion, you became quite motivated in killing me and almost got to do so. And it wasn't the nicest experience.

Wait, did I just tell you something I shouldn't have? Yep, probably…

"What kind of creature would even be able of destroying a universe? And what other universe is there to destroy? I am simply confused to the highest point!"

I mean, certainly not me… Fuck, I'm so bad at lying…

"In all honestly, you do not seem that dangerous to me for the moment… But you are still extremely confusing."

Oh, this means you don't want to kill me yet! That's cool! Then, what if I asked you to…

All of a sudden, John felt the slap of something hard and cold on his face. This something rapidly proved itself to be the floor.

"Huh? Uh, what?" he mumbled, rapidly blinking and attempting to get up "Don't just wake me up like that, it's very impolite of you!" he indignantly exclaimed before pensively mumbling "What the fuck was I doing here again?"

"Open up your eyes, intruder!" a stern voice commanded.

"Hah, who are you, Tempest Shadow?" John mockingly asked ceasing to blink and focusing his vision on the order's origin "Oh fuck, you are…"

"You have been caught trespassing on the Storm King's royal territory and thus, shall be interrogated and jailed!" Tempest Shadow commandingly announced, striking the ground with a metallic horseshoe.

"That is a charming display of authority… I'm starting to like this place…"

"But can't the Storm King interrogate me himself?" John disinterestedly asked, sitting down on the floor while concurrently looking around in search of a more comfortable sitting spot.

"It's none of your business! He has much more important duties to attend!" the other heatedly retorted.

All of a sudden, a much more cheerful voice resounded from a nearby hallway "Yes, yes, I'm coming!" the Storm King himself cried out as he slowly walked into the room with a big yawn.

"So this is what they call a King in this land? Disgusting…"

"My King" Tempest started "You had said that…"

"Eh, whatever… Go, I'll take care of it." the Storm King swiftly cut her.

Meanwhile, John had found a chair and now happily sat on it, after all, they were in the throne room.

"Yeah, so, I don't see any signs of his staff here so…"

Slowly bringing his attention back to John, the Storm King calmly mumbled "So, what is this prisoner…" then, much less calmly added "And why is he sitting on my throne?!"

"Well, you don't have chairs…" John simply shrugged "What am I supposed to do?"

The King seemed perplexed for a second "That is a good point, we should work on it…" he pensively mumbled "Back to our interrogation though: who are you?"

"Argh… I'm not explaining that again because that's way too fucking boring!" John unhappily exclaimed "I've got a little question before we continue though. Where's that cool staff of yours?"

"Well, it's uhm…" the other seemed deep in his thoughts of a moment. A second later, he indignantly exclaimed "Wait, I'm he one supposed to be asking questions!"

"Sorry" John immediately agreed "Go on."

"Well, this somewhat answered my next question though which would be: why are you here?" the Storm King remarked with a small frown as he examined John's strange attire mostly based on cursed jewelry "And you seem to like this kind of things too…" he added, nodding at the latter.

"What is this manner of talking? Utterly unfit for a ruler!"

"No, no, no, I was… uhm simply here to visit… Yep." John uncertainly mumbled.

"And… did you get what you were looking for?" the Storm King sneeringly asked, contently looking around his palace.

"Well, they kinda dragged me on the floor so…" John sourly started, suddenly adding "Oh and, about that visit, I was quite interested in seeing uhm… your Staff."

"Nah, you're definitely just here to steal it…" the other exasperatedly sighed.

"P-Perhaps…"

"You can't though." he added, unhappily shrugging and starting to walk across the throne room.

"And that's where you underestimate me!" John immediately exclaimed, getting up for a second.

"No, you didn't understand me correctly." the Storm King said, coming to a stop. "It wasn't a you can't as in I shall stop you first! But rather a you can't as in someone already stole it…" he regretfully explained.

"What?" John confusedly asked. His mind swarmed with images of the worst-case scenario "Everything is Ok. It's not necessarily Lyra… Oh god, I don't wanna deal with that again." he tried and failed to reassure himself.

"Yes…" the Storm King simply declared in the meantime "That's mostly why I didn't electrocute you to death for disrespect yet."

"Wait, because you're completely powerless without that Staff, aren't you?" John suddenly realized, slightly halting his mental breakdown.

"No… I can still uhm… walk. Oh, and bite too. I never really tried that last one though…" the other sheepishly argued, visibly not believing what he was saying.

"Yeah… that sucks…"

All of a sudden, materializing his ghostly head from thin air and startling everyone in the room, Sombra suddenly bust out into a furious yell "You, pathetic creature!" he cried out "None is less worthy to call itself a King! Reliant on artifacts for power is for mortal insects! A true King must strike fear into the bravest of hearts through its sheer might alone!..."

"Uhm… who is this?" the Storm King confusedly asked John, coming closer to be heard through Sombra's shouting.

"A… friend... kinda…" the other unsurely answered.

"He doesn't look very friendly…"

"… A useless worm! Unworthy even to work for me as a slave!" Sombra continued in the meantime "Your reign is but a lie that you force yourself to believe! And even this lie is disgracefully woven! You disgust me beyond all mortal comprehension…"

"Well, that hurt… A bit." the Storm King sighed after Sombra had finished his outburst "Especially coming from some ghostly floating head…" he mockingly added.

"I am Sombra! King of Umbrum and Glorious Ruler of the Crystal Empire!" the other immediately retorted, his green glowing eyes emitting large clouds of purple smoke. It seemed the room grew colder.

"Formerly. Now, he's mostly just a chunk of crystal horn embedded in my chest and an annoying voice in my head…" John added with much less passion.

"I SHALL DESTROY YOU TOO, UNGRATEFUL SLAVE!" Sombra furiously shouted, charging a beam of dark magic in his horn.

"Well, then you'll die too." John simply remarked.

The King only responded with a furious grunt, his head dematerializing into a light cloud of shadows.

"Anyway, now that this is dealt with" John relievedly sighed "I've got another question. By any means, the one who stole your Staff wasn't a mint mare?" he carefully asked, an anxious frown reappearing on his face.

The Storm King seemed pensive for some time, raising his gaze to the ceiling "I don't know. From what my guards told me, they had only seen several turquoise flashes the night before my Staff vanished. One got obliterated by them though. Otherwise, I think some talked of a dash of pink or something like that." he finally enounced "Nothing about mint though."

"Good." John deeply sighed in unconcealed relief "Or is it?"

"Wait a minute, you said pink and turquoise, right?" he pensively asked a second later.

"Well, yes." the other confirmed.

"Huh, I guess I'll need to fight some advanced communism…" John proceeded to concernedly mumble "Let's hope Equestria doesn't belong to the people when I get back…"

"What are you talking about?" The Storm King's confused voice interrupted John's chaotic thoughts.

"Uhm… I think I have a deal for you." he calmly announced "It's pretty simple."

"I think I might know the one who stole your Staff. And so, I know where they are. My deal would be that I tell you where to go and you… Well, you go there and help me get there to recover said Staff."

"But will you actually give the staff back to…" The Storm King's question suddenly got interrupted by John overenthusiastically exclaiming "Wow! That is a beautiful wall you've got over there!"

"Yeah, that's what I thought…" he sourly sighed.

"But, you know, otherwise, you just wouldn't get to even see that staff or have a vague idea of where it is." John remarked leaning back on his seat.

"Ugh… I might be forced to accept." the Strom King finally conceded. A second later, he remembered something "Oh, and wouldn't you mind to give me my throne back?"

Startled by the question, John also realized where he was for the whole time "Yeah, that would probably be appropriate." he agreed, getting up "And uhm… What should I do right now?"

"Wait until I prepare the expedition." the other replied, calmly taking John's place.

"GUARDS!" he shouted a second later.

Immediately, several Grunts entered from all the corridors, on the other side of the room. Tempest Shadow returned too.

"This is now my second in command!" he sternly shouted, pointing a clawed finger in John's direction.

General confusion seemed to surge around the room.

"What? This was a trespasser! Have you gone mad?!" Tempest shouted in complete incomprehension.

The King's suddenly extremely stern gaze fell on her. She bowed he head. "He's currently being more useful than all of you combined." he contemptuously announced "Now prepare my ship! We're setting sail."

Most guards immediately left, returning to their posts or executing the order. No other objections were said.

"It's still an impressive authority for such a powerless creature…"

In the restored silence, John sheepishly spoke up "I mean, thanks, but was this really necessary?"

"You have no idea how much I need this Staff…"