A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"You know, that last sentence of yours really sounded like some sort of shitty cliffhanger you'd put at the end of a chapter or something. And it might work well if you just cut to a different scene afterwards, but since I'm still here, it just doesn't make any fucking sense and sounds extremely incomplete and awkward." John suddenly remarked, slightly startling the Storm King.

"Well, yes…" the other unsurely stuttered "But I could explain…"

"No, no, no, I actually don't give a fuck, it just bothered me for some reason." John quickly dismissed "As your Second in Command though, what should we do now?"

"Board my ship and prepare for…" the Storm King Started before getting rudely interrupted.

"No, you've just asked your guards to get it ready and there's literally no way it already is right now." John simply argued.

After thorough reflections, the Storm King spoke again "Alright. Then, your first glorious order as Second in Command of the Great Storm Armies shall be… to Fuck off and stop making good points immediately."

John had no objections "That's definitely an order I can get behind." he shrugged, starting to head away, but quickly turning back to gladly exclaim "Oh, and thank you for being extremely cooperative for some reason!"

With these words, he immediately left the throne room, going into a random hallway.

"Why are you associating with such feckless creature?" Sombra suddenly asked in his head.

"I mean, this for once, wasn't part of my plan." John shrugged "I thought I'd just steal the Staff and run away, but now, it just seems easier to get somewhere if you have a flying boat and…" he paused for a second "You don't have a flying boat, do you?"

"Well, no, but…" Sombra tried to argue, but didn't have the time to as John immediately interrupted him.

"No, no, no! Those who don't have a flying boat, don't have any right to talk either!" he sneeringly said.

"Well, I doubt you have a flying boat."

"Ah, that's where you're wrong!" John happily exclaimed "As Second in Command of the Storm Army, it's also my flying boat for the moment!" After a short pause though, his voice became less mocking than concerned "I have a feeling that this won't last though…"

"Anyway, where was I?" John stopped for a second and anxiously looked at the similar walls around "Actually, going into a random direction was probably the worst idea right now, especially knowing how fast I get lost…"

He heard a loud sigh resound through his head.

"Fuck off!"

A second later, he noticed some kind of table at a small intersection ahead "And what's that thing over there?"

Getting closer, the purpose of it became clearer "Oh, god, this is the complete and incontestable proof that this castle is way better than any other I've been in lately!" It was a map.

"Yep, and that is what every single vaguely labyrinthic location should always have! Why doesn't anyone ever think about tourism? Well, it seems they have here!" John then went on inspecting the Map of the Storm Castle for Tourists.

"So, where am I on this thing? Probably under the You Are Here thing… And here's the throne room and the aerial docks and… God, I'm really not that good at maps either."

"Except maybe if…" John seemed in deep consideration for several long seconds "Sombra, can we take the map with us?" he suddenly asked after emerging from his thoughts.

"What? Didn't you just say that you don't understand it?" the other confusedly replied.

"Well, I thought that if I moved along with it, it'd me easier to follow my position thanks to the You Are Here thing!" John simply explained his great plan with a big smile.

"That isn't how it works…" Sombra tried arguing, before shortly conceding "And how am I supposed to take it anyway, it's a big concrete slab!"

"Well, you've got magic, so use it! Transform it into paper or make it smaller or something! Just try, I believe in you!" John encouragingly exclaimed, showing his support by attempting to detach the map from its pedestal.

With an exasperate sigh, Sombra's head popped into existence, its horn glowing to life. A second later, the same glow encompassed the map, making John jump away, satisfied with his display of helpfulness.

The thing however, didn't budge a single inch.

"Come on!" John cried out in the meantime "You're a King of Darkness and shit, you can move a table, can't you?"

At this exclamation, Sombra gave John a look of great disdain as, all of a sudden, a crystal pillar arose from the castle's ground, making the whole room shake while the map, was sent flying into a nearby wall that it traversed after a great explosion of dust and rubble.

"Yay, you did it!" John mockingly cried out from behind a wall where he promptly fled to hide "A bit too much though…"

A second later, he returned, looking at the destruction "Oh, wait" he suddenly exclaimed "Look through the hole, I bet that thing over there are the docks!"

"This was obviously all part of my plan." he added with a confident smirk.

Sombra just sighed as his crystalline pillar sunk back into the ground.

"Can you help me get over there now?" John sheepishly asked in the meantime.

The disappearance of Sombra's exasperate head followed by the appearance of a shadowy mist around him gave answered his question.

"Thanks!" A second later, he stood by the docks.

"Yeah, so why did I come here anyway?" John wondered, now in the large open section of the aerial port "Oh right, I never really meant to come here in the first place and mostly just got lost then broke a wall and…"

As he stopped taking a panoramic glance, he saw many Grunts running around with various crates and other such attire, bringing it all onto a docked flying ship nearby. "Yeah and there's Tempest over there too."

It all gave him an idea. "Wait, since I'm second in command, if I just shout random-ass orders, wouldn't they be forced to follow them?" John suddenly wondered, a stupid grin forming on his face.

"Hey, you, put your box over there!" he shouted to a random Grunt who, after several seconds of confusion, decided to follow the order.

"Great." John uttered "And now, take this other box and put it on top of it."

"What in Tartarus are you doing?" Sombra confusedly wondered in his mind.

"You'll see." John simply dismissed before continuing with his orders, now shouting at another Storm Guard "And you, climb over there and put two boxes on top of it all!"

"Yes, exactly like that! Amazing, I think we've just created something beautiful!" John finally exclaimed as the pile of boxes was finished. Some signs of disagreement sprung among the Grunts.

"And what are you doing?" a furious voice suddenly uttered.

"Well" John confidently started, turning around to face Tempest Shadow "As Second in Command, I was guarantying the happiness of the crew by creating an interactive piece of art." he contently explain with a smirk.

"And clearly not just doing some random shit to see how loyal these Grunts could be."

John's declaration was followed by some confused or disagreeing looks from several Grunts, as Tempest contemptuously declared "Well, if you wish to fulfill your duties, please at least do not disturb the preparations." she then gave John a last fuming glance, returning to work while mumbling "Why do idiots always get to be in power?"

"Ah, my hard work clearly isn't appreciated enough…" John theatrically exclaimed in the meanwhile "And still, I do it all benevolently, pff! The world really needs more people like me!"

"It really doesn't…" the thought simultaneously echoed within the head of every single creature in the room.

"I'm glad we all at least agree on that, there could only be one John." the, thankfully, one and only John sighed with great satisfaction, suddenly noticing a now familiar figuring entering the area.

"And who is the genius creator this masterpiece?!" the Storm King radiantly asked, pointing a finger towards John's stack of boxes with a welcoming smile.

"Ah, finally someone wise enough to appreciate my art!" John immediately exclaimed in return.

The other's reactions however, wasn't the one he expected "Oh, it's you? Such a shame…" he sourly mumbled "I was hoping to fire the one who did it before having them thrown off a cliff for utter talentlessness and overall stupidity." the Storm King disappointedly explained.

"Well, I'm glad I'm basically an essential NPC…" John anxiously mumbled under his breath, peeking into the raging see beyond the docks railing.

"Please, stop using all these incomprehensible terms."

"And hurry up now, we're leaving soon!" the Storm King then barked to the already bustling Grunts, concurrently signaling John to follow him inside the airship.

The other complied "Well, OK then."

Entering the aircraft, then following the other through some nicely decorated corridors, John found himself in a room that could only be the King's cabin.

"So, where should we be heading?" the Storm King asked, sitting down into a richly decorated armchair. His expression then grew menacing as he added "Where is my Staff?"

Hearing this question, John seemed quite perplexed "This is actually a very good question…" he anxiously mumbled, before almost confidently exclaiming "I don't kn… I mean, I can't just tell you where it is!"

"Cause I really don't know…"

"And, why, is that?" the Storm King's frown deepened, he raised an eyebrow before a realization struck him "You never really knew it, did you? You liar!" he furiously shouted, the exclamation reaching even the bustling Grunts outside.

"Not exactly." John simply replied in the meanwhile, struggling to remain calm. After steadying himself and taking a split second to come up with something convincing, he spoke again "You see, if I just tell you the direction to follow right now, you'll simply throw me overboard or kill me in some other inconspicuous way as I wouldn't be of any use to you anymore. You even have a reason to do so now…" he regretfully explained.

"So, you do not trust me?" the other asked, now much more concerned than furious, almost surprised.

"I mean, not only is your own philosophy to never trust anyone but yourself, but throwing random people to their doom seems like one of your common pastimes. So, I would really rather not risk it..." John simply argued with a sheepish smile.

Listening to him, the Storm King soon sighed "That is a good point. Getting rid of you might not be as easy as I expected…" he then casually added "And then, you are right, I would have never let you survive this journey otherwise... My Grunts still need a direction to follow right now though, can you at least give me that?"

John pensively looked around for a moment "Go there." he dismissed, pointing into a random direction "We'll probably be changing course pretty often though."

The other seemed exasperate "You want us to go through the castle?" he calmly asked.

With another embarrassed smile, John yelped a short "Oops." picking another direction in which he quickly pointed. A second later, he sheepishly added "Also, can I please get a map?"

"Phew, I barely dodged dying twice here, and in less than a minute… Don't even know if it's something I should be proud of."

John was suddenly pulled out of his thoughts by a map being tossed to him "Here, have that." the Storm King barked, leaving the room "You're free to do whatever you wish for the moment. We'll soon be setting sail."

"Thanks!" John rapidly yelped in his wake, concurrently wondering "They don't actually have sails on this boat, do they?"

A second later he started to examine the map he got "Fuck, I really shouldn't have claimed knowing where to go before… Well, before actually knowing where to go." he regretfully mumbled with an unhappy smirk.

As he unrolled it, he laid the map down on the sturdy oaken table that dominated the room, standing right in its middle "Ah, obviously it's one of these ancient maps where there's more shitty drawings than actual information." John sighed in desperation.

"Like, how am I supposed to get what's under this big-ass shadow spawn over here?!" he exclaimed, perplexedly eyeing a strange creature painted on top of the map.

"I think that is me." Sombra calmly remarked, his ghostly head materializing into existence to also examine the maps ancient surface.

"Nah, you can't just say that some random shadowy thing in ancient art is you that's way too pretentious. I think…" John suddenly interrupted his rant as he read the words Here Be the Somber Kings Empire next to the shadow depiction "Yeah, it might be you…" he immediately conceded, returning his attention back to his actual task.

"This thing must be so fucking old then! Or they just never knew of your fall down here. The Storm King didn't even seem to acknowledge who you are even. But then, we are pretty far away."

"It definitely still is old though. There's plenty of places just completely missing. The shape of the continents should be enough though. I mean, I've spent more time blankly staring at a map of Equestria than doing most things actually relevant to society, so…"

"Yeah, Starlight's village should be over there." he finally confidently announced, putting a finger on the map.

A second later, he suddenly started shouting "Cause, yeah, she's obviously the one who has it. Like, I knew you were setting something like this up, narrator! I remember that random-ass point to the fact I inspired her to try stealing artifacts, I-don't-even-know-how-long ago! It was obviously going somewhere! And then, she's the only relevant character who matches the overly vague descriptions the Storm King gave me!" he cried out, staring at the void with great passion.

"Now, could you please explain why you shouted all this at the air?" Sombra confusedly asked after John's outburst, proceeding to float closer to the picture of himself and eyeing i with great care.

"No actually, there was absolutely no need for that. I don't know, I just felt compelled to spew out a bit of exposition for a moment." the other replied, slightly confused. Angrily adding "I know this was all because of you, narrator!"

Leaning over the map once more though, John steadied himself "Anyway, I may know that what we're looking for is there." he pointed his finger at the parchment once again "I still don't know where this there is though…"

"Cause, I can't just show this thing to the Storm King right on the map, it's just the same problem as before: that'd render me completely useless and probably just dead, shortly after. I'd rather avoid that…" he sighed, taking an anxious look around "But then, I can't just tell him to Go the top of the map then head to the right when we reach somewhere… over there… roughly. I mean, this may seem perfectly clear to me, but honestly, I'm probably the only one who'd understand…"

"I can confirm." Sombra indifferently remarked, continuing to closely examine this Somber King whose depiction the map bore.

"Ugh, what if instead of these shitty remarks you did something useful and… I don't know, told me how do I use a map for instance!" John annoyedly exclaimed as he heard the other's calm voice.

"Well, you look at it." the King even more calmly replied as if it was obvious, never lifting his eyes from the map.

"No, they clearly failed to capture the eyes, they simply aren't royal enough. The one who drew this would obviously end up dead if he was to create this under my reign…" the calm thoughts echoed through John's mind, angering him even more.

"Yes, it was fucking obvious!" he fumingly yelled "I may be an idiot but I'm still able to understand that looking at a piece of paper with things drawn on it is the right way to use that piece of paper!"

Noticing that Sombra gave him no visible notice, he simply performed an angry facepalm to calm down a bit.

"And don't you have some Google Maps spell or something? Some shit that'd tell you the route to follow by choosing a location on the map?" he asked in a last spark of dim hope.

"That is something far beyond even the King's magic capabilities." the other solemnly replied, floating even closer to the image he was examining.

"Oh…" John now turned his gaze to the ceiling "Maybe you have some more useful insight, narrator?" he then asked, getting no answer from the air above him "Huh, obviously."

A second later, he tried again however, asking "And what if I asked you the direction in which we need to go to get where we need?"

Sombra, who was finally satisfied with his study of the picture of himself, watched the scene in confusion "It really sounds weird to hear a dialog with half the replies missing… It just looks mad… Wait, who am I saying this to?"

With his question getting no reply other than the King's unrelated remark, John persevered once more "God, please just answer my one question and tell me where I need to go! I don't bother you for directions that often!"

The cabin shook and slightly tipped to the side as a heavy creaking resounded all around the ship. It was leaving.

"Ugh, well, now at least, we're definitely going somewhere… Where though?" John sighed, wearily sitting down on the nearest chair, that just happened to face the North-Est.

"Yeah, whatever… Wait a minute, no, please go on!" he hopefully exclaimed, staring right in his front where, far beyond the walls, forests and mountains laid the village he now sought…

"Oh my god, thank you so fucking much!" John extatically exclaimed in utter and uncontained thankfulness to his great and mighty savior that, if he possessed a physical form, would no doubt be the most handsome creature in the entire universe.

"All these emotions directed to this air." Sombra bemusedly sighed in the meanwhile "I wonder what does he think he's talking to… Ugh, and now I'm also starting to talk to myself…"

The creaking of planks in the nearby hallway indicated someone's approach. Sombra immediately vanished, and thus, letting out a last glad sigh, John stuffed the map into his pocket, eager to tell the Storm King the new directions.

The one who now stood at the door however, was no Storm King.

"Argh, fuck…"

"The Storm King calls his Second in Command to the deck." Tempest sternly announced as she entered.

"OK, I'm coming…" John disinterestedly agreed, preparing to cross the doorstep when he suddenly got pinned to a wall by an armored hoof.

"If you dare to even think of betraying us, consider yourself dead." the pony menacingly enunciated "Understood?"

"Well, you see" John calmly started in the meanwhile "In the current world, I really think we shouldn't force anyone to consider themselves anything in particular, whether it is dead, alive, man, woman or Apache attack helicopter. Because, we really do live in a society…" he passionately continued before getting rudely interrupted.

"Shut up!" Tempest furiously yelled "I know you got what I meant!"

"Well, actually, I don't care." John serenely replied with a smirk "Cause, if I die, no one will be happy."

"I beg to differ…"

"Alright, Sombra would be happy…" he reluctantly corrected himself "But the Storm King would completely and irrevocably lose his Staff, you would lose your job and Equestria would lose the right to not be invaded by Communism. So you just can't kill me." John nonchalantly explained before inconspicuously adding "Also, I'm the main character, so you just can't just break the story like that..."

"God, I love being functionally unkillable. Taunting people is so much easier."

"Argh, you have a point…" the other grudgingly conceded, letting him go "Follow me then."

"You like dodging death, don't you?" Sombra annoyedly asked in John's head in the meanwhile.

"I thought you'd notice that earlier." the latter shortly replied, adding "Oh, and nice alliteration, by the way."

This left the King mostly confused but still flattered and as the rays of the slowly setting Sun washed over John upon his exit of the cabins, Sombra's perplexed thoughts echoed through his mind "Hmm, perhaps I should try becoming a writer one day…"

"Ah, here's my lovely adviser!" the Storm King joyfully cried out as they emerged upon the deck.

"Uhm, yes, about that." John confidently yet hesitantly started "After thorough considerations, it seems the most optimal path right now would be to head North-West."

"North-Est…"

"I mean… Uhm, North-Est!" he swiftly corrected, immediately adding an unsure "But prepare to change course often, the route is quite complicated!"

At these words, he saw the crew spring into action, working in almost perfect cooperation to make the ship change direction.

In the meanwhile, John walked up to the Storm King who stood at the wheel, his face displaying a mix of confidence and slight worry "Uhm, how long would this thing take to go… across Equestria, for example?" John curiously asked.

"I wouldn't want to leave Starlight of all people in possession of his Staff for too long. I might not have a world left to conquer otherwise…"

At John's question, the Storm King's face lightened with pride "Ah, that is an excellent question!" he exclaimed "This thing really is a wonder of technology, you know? My own creation that I single-handedly stole from a great Abyssinian inventor with the healp of my army, it's the perfect mixture of magic and mechanisms!" he boisterously explained, waving his hand in a panoramic motion.

"Well, that doesn't answer my question." John sourly remarked, unimpressed, but still curiously looking around.

"Oh, right, a single day should most likely be enough." the other enthusiastically replied "I know it's surprisingly fast."

Still looking around at the airship's structure, John muttered a disinterested "Yep." before noticing something in the water beneath. He moved closer, leaning against the railing "Hm, I think I recognize that island over there…" he mumbled to himself, getting his map out and thoroughly examining its ornate surface. A second later, he hid the map back with a disappointed "Oh, right, I still have no idea of how to properly read it…"

The Storm King however, heard his struggle "Oh, that was once the land of the Hippogriff." he happily proclaimed, looking over his shoulder to see the island "Until I utterly destroyed them of course!"

"Oh, well I knew that." John sighed in the meanwhile "I bet he doesn't know they're still out there, under the ocean."

"Wait's, what's that though?" he quietly wondered a second later as he noticed something on the island's mostly desert shores "I just said they were supposed to be under the ocean, don't prove me wrong! And there's more over there too. They're hiding from the ship, but why not under water?"

It was then that a realization struck him "Don't tell me that Starlight stole the Pearl too… I mean, it was on my shitty list, so she was clearly aware of it, but…" John sighed in annoyance, turning his eyes away from the see "Why is she so much better at doing my job than myself…"

"You know, it's not that hard, trust me." Sombra sneeringly remarked in his head.

Slightly annoyed now, John decided to ask the Storm King a question to change his thought from how much of a failure he truly was "Hey, what were you going to do with that Staff anyway." he called out.

"And you, narrator, stop taunting me too!"

The other seemed troubled again "Argh, you know, this whole Stealing my Staff thing, while fun, is just a big obstacle in my plans…" he sourly remarked "It all just stops me from taking over Equestria, siphoning the Princesses' power and ultimately, becoming the greatest King of all!" he dramatically cried out, raising his hands before sheepishly adding "And that's where a lightning should ideally strike in the background behind me for emphasis, which I would have been able to make happen, if I had my Staff."

In the meanwhile, John disinterestedly listened "Oh, right. Why did I ask? I know the plot of the movie…" he blandly remarked.

The other however, overheard him "What, there is a movie about me?" he passionately cried out in theatrical disbelief "I absolutely need to meet with the producers!... And if it's not good enough, torture and kill them…"

"Argh, it's complicated…" John dismissed in return "I won't explain any further, but good for you if it already makes you happy…"

"Fine." the Storm King reluctantly agree "But I really hope I'll get to watch that movie one day. It's nice to know anyway."

"Ah, why are there films about such cowards, but not about a glorious leader as I?" Sombra furiously asked in John's head.

"Well, maybe if you stopped dying so often…" the other simply replied.

"What? I only did it once! Or maybe twice…"

In the meanwhile, the setting Sun was now nearing the end of its course towards the horizon, and as a big yawn escaped him, John realized something "Guess it's time to go to sleep like a normal person for the first time in a while…" he sighed, heading back towards the cabins.

He was however interrupted in his course as the Storm King perplexedly cried out "Hey, didn't you say we needed to change directions often? Because for the moment, we only really turned once, so you perhaps at least have a path to for us to follow during the night?"

"Oh right…" John anxiously started.

"That's a part of the plan I completely forgot…"

"I'd recommend you to… go North, then… South… for roughly the same duration, then Est and Finally West. Don't forget that all these steps are very important and…" he was suddenly cut.

"Yeah, so we just need stay the course, don't try to make it sound complicated." the Storm King sourly concluded.

"Yep." John anxiously yelped, looking around as if to find any signs of incoming murder.

"Anyway" he unrelievedly sighed as no immediate assassination attempts were coming "Where can I get a bed?"

A Storm Guard attended immediately "That's what I call good service."

After going through the narrow corridors of the ship's interior for several seconds, the Storm Guard shortly stepped to the side, letting John pass into a cozy cabin with nothing but a basic bed.

Lying down on the latter without further ado, John stretched "Fuck, it's so much better than the ground…"

And thus, it wasn't long before he was overtaken by sweet slumber.