A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"Hello there."

Aaaah!

What the fuck, can you at least let me fall asleep properly before scaring the living shit out of me in my dreams?

"Pardon my lack of discretion. I did not mean to scare you. Tis just that I was puzzled by your nature since our last encounter. Thus, you simply must introduce yourself properly now!"

But I don't wanna…

"Tis thy Princess' will!"

Ugh… Fine… Not that this dream had much else to do anyway…

So, I'm just a guy from a different dimension who only passes by, really. Perfectly harmless! In no way are vague plans of clumsy world domination on my mind. Like, there really isn't that much special about me.

"Then, why would you be carrying all of these… artifacts?"

Oh, yeah… I mostly forgot they really existed for a second… Which goes to prove my point!

They're all just souvenirs. Very well-crafted souvenirs…

I'm a big fan of your kingdom, you know?

"Hmm, perhaps… Still, the perspective of your otherworldly nature makes you a very outstanding creature that we should probably… study."

"I should bring you to my sister… Or even to Twilight Sparkle for her research…"

What if we didn't… do that?

"We'll see… On another note, what do you usually dream of?"

Y-…

Oh… Fuck… Ugh… You're so much better off not knowing…

"No, really, I am highly curious to know. In fact, I will simply stop this dream at this very moment and let you sleep normally so that I can watch and…"

"Welcome…"

As he suddenly bolted upright, John's eyes immediately snapped open, anxiously glancing around "Who the fuck said that?" he mumbled, getting up from the bed to examine every corner of the room.

Finding no one and nothing unusual, he calmed down but only a bit "God, I know this voice wasn't from the dream. Freaky… I sure glad it ended here though…"

Trying to change his thoughts, he walked towards a window that he at first didn't even notice his cabin had "Anyway, where are we then?" he wondered gazing through the glass.

"Oh, and the ship's just been going in a straight line for the whole night…" he suddenly remembered "I really hope we didn't miss it."

By this very early morning, there wasn't yet much light. Still, with these anxious words, John carefully examined the dimly lit landscapes that endlessly stretched outside.

"Well, I don't see anything recognizable…" he sourly remarked at first, scrying the dry peaks that slowly passed under the ship "But that doesn't really mean anything, since there isn't that much things recognizable in the Equestrian geography I know…"

The next second however, something clearly distinct from all these mountains caught his attention "Oh, but what do I see over there?!" he theatrically exclaimed at the sight, with a mocking smirk "Is it… plot convenience?!"

And an instant later he even more sneeringly continued "No, I mean, obviously I just perfectly timed my sleep duration so that, when that weird voice was to wake me up, we just happen to be flying over Starlight's Village…"

As these words left John mouth however, he suddenly realized something "Wait a minute, I think I just got whose voice that was…" he anxiously mumbled, bringing a slightly sweaty hand to his forehead "That's not good."

"Yeah, I better warn the Storm King we've arrived." he then determinedly decided, simply heading for the door with a sigh.

"Could you speak quieter, please? You are disturbing the King's royal duty of sleeping." Sombra groggily grumbled from the darkest corner within John's mind, which sadly even wasn't that dark, forcing the King's nonexistent eyes to annoyedly wince.

"No." the other disinterestedly denied, now going up the stairs that led to the deck.

As he opened the door nothing really that exciting met his sight. Except some sleepy and sleeping Grunts, the ship seemed pretty inactive by this early hour. And when he looked up towards the helm where he had left the Storm King last night, he saw nothing but a small wooden plank blocking the aircraft's wheel in place.

"Uhm, is anyone here?" he carefully called out "We need to land if we don't want to turn around."

He got no response at first, except the sound of heavy hoofsteps on the wooden planks.

"Oh, so we're at our destination?" Tempest Shadow calmly asked as she stepped onto the decks, her broken horn already glowing with un contained mana "Then your role here has ended. And your life will soon follow."

"Fuck."

"No, no, no! We don't treat our guests like that!" the Storm King suddenly interrupted, discourteously moving Tempest aside as he also entered the deck "For the time being…"

With a relieved "Phew…" John immediately added "So, uhm… we need to land."

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard that too…" the Storm King annoyedly responded "And get up you all, or you might never have the chance to do it again!" he menacingly barked, making all Grunts immediately jump to work.

"You! Prepare our troops! We might need them." he shouted to one particularly bulky Storm Guard, before finally assertively yelling "Get this ship moving down! And don't waste your time!"

He then signaled both John and Tempest to follow him.

Noticing the other's murderous glare John nervously swallowed "I just hope to not get killed before we land right now…"

As the grand aerial machine lightly descended on the desert soil amidst perfectly identical houses, the village around almost seemed like a ghost town "I can't see a single living soul around here." the Storm King impatiently remarked, as the ship's main doors opened, letting them exit.

"Hmm, I though this place would be a bit livelier…" John also mused in slight confusion.

It was then that, all of a sudden, as if on command of an invisible puppeteer all the doors opened simultaneously, letting a single pony exit each house in perfect coordination. There was something wrong in their eyes.

"That's just fucking creepy man! Why couldn't she just have attempted to take over the world normally like all sane people do?" John uneasily exclaimed, observing the spectacle that unfolded before his eyes.

The Storm King was visibly confused too. Bending over, he carefully asked John "Who is this she you're talking about?"

John didn't have to answer though as, once all ponies suddenly froze, forming two perfectly parallel straight lines, a figure materialized on its end "Why seek power when all one truly craves is justice?" Starlight Glimmer triumphantly enounced stepping forth amidst the unmoving citizens of her town. Chills ran through the spines of every creature.

Except John, who was too busy anxiously glancing around in search of a potential escape route "Oh no" he annoyedly exclaimed "Why did you just become one of these shitty OP villains that seem completely unbeatable but actually get defeated by the power of bullshit or something in less than three seconds?..."

"No, actually that last part isn't that bad." he added a second later.

Before John could rant any longer however, the Storm King noticed something "Hey, that's my Staff!" he furiously exclaimed, completely ignoring the gloomy atmosphere, as he noticed his artifact encompassed in a magical glow as it floated above Starlight's head along with the Pearl "You claim to seek justice when you're nothing more than a thief!"

"Because you clearly didn't steal it…" John sneeringly mumbled, rapidly getting interrupted by an angry "Shut up!"

"Join us. Become part of our great Equality." Starlight impassibly announced in the meantime, her eyes sparking to light "And, as the Staff that was once yours, serve the common good. Forever equal. Forever happy."

"No, no, no! I am a King!" the other skeptically argued "This just seems like an extremely disadvantageous bargain for me, right now…"

"But I never said you had the choice…"

With a terrified "Fuck." John immediately bolted off towards the nearest house.

"It is war then." the Storm King sternly declared behind him "To arms!"

And as he exclaimed these last words, from within the ship, came several platoons of heavily armored Storm Guards rushing forwards with they halberds at the ready.

"Hey, technically, these aren't halberds but more like spears of fork things!" John suddenly remarked, peaking from behind his cover, as he saw Starlight turn her head towards him however, he quickly decided to find some place better to hide "I should probably be busy hiding and running away instead of pointing out very mild inconsistencies right now…"

Getting behind the row of houses, he was carefully attempting to get around this whole battle in relative safety "Yeah. I mean, while they fight, I might be able to grab the Staff from her if I'm lucky enough."

"Resistance is futile!" John heard Starlight's voice coming from behind the walls. And as he glanced through an alley, he saw several Storm Guards suddenly ceasing to fight before turning against their former comrades. "Abandon now! As in the end, all shall join us." Starlight bewitchingly declared, her eyes glowing an ever-stronger mesmerizing turquoise glow.

"Hey, don't steal my soldiers too!" the Storm King furiously yelled in the meanwhile. A second later, John saw Tempest fiercely charging across the street right towards Starlight herself when…

"This is a very nice, epic battle and all, but I really don't care that much." John suddenly declared, resuming to walk along the houses "If I want to actually have a chance, I better get to the Staff, and quick."

Passing another alley, he noticed a now scorched Tempest lying to the side while Starlight declared a menacing "Become one with the great Equality. Serve the common good." John nervously swallowed, starting to go faster.

Sombra's somewhat disconnected voice emerged from his mind "Hmm, finally a true battle. I haven't seen one in a while…" he sleepily mumbled.

Almost running now, John passed multiple houses before finally realizing that he reached the part of the town that was behind Starlight's back.

"OK, let's make a run for it." he resolutely decided, preparing to rush towards the artifacts floating in the air above Starlight's impassive figure.

"Wait, what are you doing? Could I perhaps get a quick explanation?"

All of a sudden, his determination was however greatly undermined "You thought I didn't see you?" Starlight's mocking voice echoed through John's mind.

"To be honest, yes." the latter sourly sighed, still not abandoning his plan.

In the meanwhile, Sombra, now completely awoke from his royal slumber "Who said that?" he sternly barked in John's head, rapidly adding a preventive "Whoever you are, know that I'm the only one allowed to talk in this mind of which I am thus King!"

John however, ignored the sleepy King's exclamations as he put all of his forces and concentration into running towards Starlight. And as he did, a wrathful cry reached his ears from the other side of the street.

"Ah, you're all worthless. It's time to take matters into my own hands." the Storm King fiercely barked to his minions "Now give me my staff!"

At the same moment, both bolted into action mindlessly running to grab the staff first before John suddenly stopped, exclaiming "No, that'd be too easy, I don't want to be obliterated nor completely hypnotized to lose all consciousness! Let's talk instead."

Starlight turned her head in his direction, her eyes still glowing with mana "I think I upped my level in shitty conversion speeches enough by now…" John determinedly continued, seeing he had her attention "So… Why are you doing all this for?"

A nostalgic yet slightly sour smile appeared on Starlight's previously emotionless lips "You want to know why I seek justice? I see, perhaps it would make your mind easier to assimilate."

"It all goes back to my childhood…" she pensively started, before suddenly getting interrupted by a strange sensation of weakness she hasn't felt in days now.

"Haha! This is my Staff!" the Storm King triumphantly exclaimed, brandishing the artifact high into the heavy air.

"Well, that also works…" John sourly sighed in the meantime, rapidly realizing his chance and grabbing the Pearl that also floated nearby, from Starlight's aura.

"N-No, you can't!" Starlight despairingly cried out before suddenly getting cut.

"We can. That's just how antagonists work. They exist to be defeated." John confidently reassured.

"And now it is time for you two to perish!" the Storm King yelled in the meantime, lightning already concentrating on the tip of his Staff.

"Sombra, please teleport me behind him." John softly asked in his head, noticing that.

The other, though still slightly confused, agreed "Alright, but I still quite didn't get what was actually happening here."

And after John rapidly disintegrated into shadow, he suddenly found himself rapidly plummeting to the ground about two miles up in the air "What? AAAAAAAAH!"

"Oh, sorry, I may have made a slight miscalculation. That is exactly why you should have left me sleep longer…" Sombra sheepishly admitted, calmly ignoring the other's panicked yelling. Thus, the next second, John found himself dissolve into ether once more.

"Fuck you!"

This time he was thankfully brought to the right location. In addition, thanks to Sombra's slight mistake, he saw both Starlight and the Storm King confusedly glance around in search of him. And so, with a triumphant "Nothing personal, kind!" followed by an internal "Fuck, I should really stop referencing shitty memes." John grabbed the Staff right From the Storm King's claws, preparing to run away before suddenly realizing something.

"Wait, I have a feeling this thing actually works." he mumbled in awed disbelief "Let me try to… teleport over there…"

And indeed, in less than the blink of an eye, John now stood on the other side of the street.

"Hey, you…" the Storm King wrathfully started "No, actually I was totally expecting this."

And as John happily eyed the Staff in his hands in total disbelief, the ponies that continued to soullessly battle with the Grunts suddenly stopped, as if waking up from a bad dream.

"Meh, whatever, I don't care about all these useless details! I finally stole something that works! I won!" with these words John started exultantly teleporting around before his head got dizzy.

"Ugh… No, this can't be real." he finally sighed after his overwhelming joy slightly passed "Something awful is obviously about to happen to me…"

"So I better avoid it and start doing shitty evil things right now!"