A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"Well, what do we have here?" asked John looking around and trying to locate himself.

"Hmm, this doesn't exactly look like the Everfree Forest... I mean, there sure is a lot of spooky trees and shit, but I don't quite feel like I'm in the forest itself...

"I need to recollect all my needlessly deep knowledge of the MLP lore and...

"Wait, there's something over there... Something that doesn't look like a tree... Oh, shit, it's the Castle of the Two Sisters! That's a pretty good landmark! Since it's here, I should be able to find the Elements without any help!

"Errm... they're... over... there?" he guessed, pointing to a completely random end of the forest.

"Hmm... I guess Equestrian geography isn't the thing I'm the most aware of...

"OK, I might need some help after all! Narrator!" he called out, staring at the Western sky with interrogation.

"Hmm... That's cool, but... You remember how good I am with the cardinal points, right? I'd rather have something more precise and understandable to my mortal mind. Like... I don't know..." he wondered, wincing at the sight of the midday Sun which happened to position itself right above the heart of the Everfree Forest.

"Could I just get a map?"

...

"Please! At least, this way you wouldn't need to tell me where I am every two seconds! You know, it benefits you as much as me!" he pleaded, shaking his hands it the air, the sound of crumbling paper in his pockets suddenly reaching his ears.

"Thanks! I always knew you were a nice guy! So, where are w..."

"OK then, I guess you are a dick after all! You know what? I'll just go and find my way in this forest without any help! And... uh... I don't know what I wanted to say, but it wasn't something nice!"

...

"So, you're sulking now, aren't you? Well, I'll just go right... into that direction, and I bet I'll find these fucking trinkets faster than I would have with any of your advice!

"OK, so I'll just go in a straight line and... climb on some trees to find my path... and find the cave! Easy!

"Let's start with the first step, go in a straight line! I'm pretty good at that! I just need to try avoiding any Wolves and Manticores and Cockatrices and... trees.

"So, while I'm walking, what could I do that isn't just pointless self-dialogue? I mean, if there's no narrator to talk to, what could I do to pass the time? I guess, I could do a time skip again... Could I?"

...

"Huh! I guess there's no time skip this time around! So, I could... think about my shitty life... or try to avoid thinking about that horrible thing with the smoke in my eyes... or list my options of shitty activities I could do to pass the time...

"Oh, I know! I have my list! I could cross out the thing that didn't work... Now that I think about it, that's a really stupid way to spend my time... But what have I got else to do?"

"So, now that this is done, what else is there of..."

"Oh, shit, I really don't like the way these trees look... the way they look... at me..." stuttered John, highly unnerved by the forest's sudden change of atmosphere.

"No, don't tell me you are going to try to kill me again!" he exclaimed several trees making creaking noises and shifting slightly towards him.

"Shit."

Indeed, too absorbed in his monologuing, John did not see he had reached into the very heart of the Everfree Forest. Here, not even the wildest of creatures could survive. Only the trees prevailed. In the depths of this cursed woodland, bark could be as sharp as teeth and branches as agile and deadly as claws. Few were those who had ever come to this place... And even fewer came back.

"Hey, your spooky trees, here, aren't even canon! You can't just try murdering me with non-canon shit!" uttered John, a loud crack reaching his ears as the sharp edge of a gnarled root passed just a few centimeters from his shoulder.

"AHHHH! You can't tell me this place can exist in the nice world of ponies!" he cried out, dodging another strike from his bark-covered attackers "Murderous trees just don't fall under my definition of friendship!"

"Fuck! These things are terrifying!" he shouted as a thin root somehow managed to reach his feet and stared coiling around his shoes "Oh, shit! It's going to get me!"

"I think I'm even more in need of a Deus Ex Machina than last time!" he pleaded, the ruthless trees continuing their relentlessly slow advance "You can't kill me now narrator!"

"Wait... You really can't kill me now. I did way too few things to already die. You're forced to save me whether you want it or not! I know I'm the main protagonist! Haha! I'm not scared of any tr..." the violent shock of wood against his skull interrupted John's —suddenly confident— speech.

Somehow still conscious, his confidence suddenly decreased "Or maybe I'm not that important after all!"

"Sorry, oh great narrator!" he exclaimed, closely dodging several heavy strikes "I won't be a jerk to you, just don't kill me yet!"

The trees' approach however, in no way slowed down, it even seemed like new ones appeared from some dark corner of John's vision, crawling across the blighted soil, thirsting for blood.

"Fuck!"

"What to do, what to do! How am I supposed to fight these things? How?!

"Well, there's always that thing that never works..."

"Please stop! We can talk about this! I'm sure I can list a few reasons killing me isn't the right solution!" John uttered at the murderous trees without much hope.

To his surprise however, this desperate attempt seemed to make the Treants stop.

Suddenly, a deep hoarse voice echoed from somewhere above "We are listening."

"Uh, excuse me?" turning around and looking up, John discovered the menacingly immense figure of what looked like an endlessly old Treant. The latter, observed him with great interest, its bark-covered face bearing countless trenches and gnarls.

"I said, we wouldn't mind talking. In the heart of these woods, conversations are far too scarce... but so is fresh flesh... "

"Seriously? The thing that never works worked on a bunch of fucking trees? Are you kidding me?"

"Uh, OK, I have a very good reason for why I shouldn't die!" quickly replied John, his voice heavily shaking.

"No, I don't! Oh, fuck, oh fuck, I need to come up with something and quickly!"

"Uh... Yes, life is like a flowing river, stop its course, at one point, and you might encounter the direst of consequences, at another!..."

"I was never good at metaphors..."

"...Indeed, the stream of one's existence coexists with the others in a way that can neither be comprehended nor explained..."

"At least, I have no idea of how it works..."

"...Thus, it is possible to presume that by putting a term to my life now, you can unleash such demise upon your kind that none can predict..."

"You can't predict something that won't happen!"

"...Is the risk worth the payoff? Is the scarce amount of meat my body contains enough to make up for the possible doom that my death could bring? Can forcing a life to end be justified? I highly doubt so!"

"In short: by the power of cheesy speeches, please don't eat me!

"Hmm... I see, but in this case, what is the meaning of this precious life that you value so much?"

"Seriously? And now, these trees are interested in deep philosophy? How does this make any sense? Oh, fuck... I need to answer!"

"It is truly a fascinating question that you ask me, however I fear that it's answer is far too long and complex to be announced in the few time we have."

"We have all the time in the world, young fleshling. Answer without restraint!

"Shit! My best dodging technique failed! I need to really think about it now!

"Uh... To begin, what is life? I need a clear definition of the concept, the question is far too vague."

"I just need to buy myself some time!

The Treant's expression turned into one of bemusement. He pondered his thoughts for several minutes before finally talking again"Indeed, what is life? Can we say that the planet itself lives its days, drifting throughout the universe? Can we consider life as a thing only conscious creatures are endowed with?

"And thus, what is consciousness? How do we know the universe itself does not have its almighty mind? How do we know we aren't, ourselves, part of a grand whole that can't be separated? How can we even know we are conscious?

"What if it all was a mere illusion, a trickery of the cosmic light that gives us the impression of deciding and perhaps even the illusion of existence? And if it's the case, what is the point of knowing the meaning of life if there is no proof of the latter's existence?

"Hmm, very bright of you indeed, young fleshling. Your answer was truly an interesting one... I like your reasoning a lot... I don't regret letting you live..."

"But I didn't say anything! OK, in addition to be a talking murderous tree, this thing just congratulated me for a reasoning he had himself! Just, what is happening here? Can't really complain though, I prefer that to be eaten alive...

"Oh, I better ask him a question before he says something else!"

"Uh, Mr. Tree?" asked John, unsure of himself.

"It is Ancient Gnarl Barks, young fleshling."

"I know you are the one who came up with this name and... I'll just ignore this shitty pun..."

"Uh, Ancient Gnarl Barks, would you mind if I asked a question of my own?"

"Go on little fleshling! I'd be delighted to share some of my millennia-old knowledge with a great mind of your sort!"

"Shit! Should have come up with a question first!"

"Uh... What do you think of..."

"Uh! And now I can't think of anything other than this shitty name! Well, there isn't really anything better anyway!

"of... the concept of Equality?"

"That's just a delightful question, young fleshling! I appreciate that subject a lot!"

"Who would have thought... And can this thing stop calling me fleshling? It doesn't help me to feel safer!"

"Well, let's start with the obvious: What is Equality? In fact, this extremely marvelous concept can be classified into several sub-parts..."

"Oh, fuck, this is going to be long..." thought John, striving to refrain from sighing.

"...First, it is interesting to reflect on the concept of justice. Indeed, what is Equality without justice? And, what is justice without injustice?..."

As the Ancient continued his speech, all the surrounding nature seemed to listen. Not only...

"You're going for a time skip, aren't you? I can't blame you, that's probably the right thing to do right now... Go on with it while I just wait here until he finishes..."

...did the other trees lend their bark-covered ears, the essence of the Everfree forest itself seemed to concentrate on the contemplative thoughts. Some animals even managed to enter this unholy place to take part in the grand audition. And the Ancient did not seem to be about to stop his speech...

The Treant spoke and spoke, he discussed, quoted and developed countless ideas illustrating each with endless examples. The sound of his harsh tongue hitting his wooden lips did not cease for what seemed like an eternity. Other Treants sometimes intervened, sharing their thoughts or agreeing with their leader. At last, the speech approached its end.

"... and thus, young fleshling, in consideration of the points discussed earlier, it is with certainty that I can tell you that the Sun is, in fact, a potato." he finally concluded, extremely satisfied. Loud cracks —probably the Treants' equivalent of applause— filled the air...

"FIVE HOURS! THIS THING LASTED FIVE FUCKING HOURS! I JUST WANNA DIE NOW! I BET YOUR TIME SKIP WASN'T TOO HARD TO BEAR, WAS IT? AHH, MAYBE BEING EATEN ALIVE WASN'T THE WORST OPTION AFTER ALL!

"Did my answer satisfy you, young fleshling?" the sound of the Treant's voice brought John back to reality.

"Oh, how it did! In fact, your brilliant ideas made me want to spread them across the entirety of this planet! I only have one desire now: tell the world of your brilliant thoughts!"

"And finally leave this fucking place!"

"It is a delight to hear such compliments! Go, little fleshling, spread your thirst for knowledge across the world, but know that these woods will forever be waiting for you!

"I bet they'll wait for a long time then...

"Now that I think about it, you do remind me of a certain pink unicorn I met several years ago... Well, it doesn't matter, you can go now!

"Yeah, try to link your shitty tree-people to the canon lore! Good luck with that!

"Goodbye Ancient Gnarl Barks, thanks again for sharing your knowledge with me!"

"Ahh! I need to leave this place and quickly or I'll just die of boredom!