A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Leaving the heart of the forest, John’s relief was immeasurable.

“Of course, it is! I think I’ll be scared of trees for ages now… Wait, I’m in a forest. That’s a problem if I’m scared of trees…”

“Phew! I can finally come back to my quest now and find these fucking Elements!” he exclaimed, coming to a stop in what looked like a clearing.

“Wait, what’s that thing over there? It looks like… the castle... again? Did I really do all this just to come back to my starting point? That's just unfair!"

However, there was something about this castle that John has forgotten about...

"What do you mean? What is there in this stupid ruin that can be of any relevance to me right now?...

"Wait, what's that over there?... Under the castle... Oh... Right... The Tree of Harmony is under the castle... I'm stupid...

"So, I actually could have avoided this whole thing with the trees and shit..."

"So, what if instead of complaining, I finally went into this thing? Let’s fucking go!" shouted John, rushing towards the cave with determination.

“Don’t you dare make me stumble on some stupid ro…” his cry of protest was interrupted by a rock on his path. The latter making him stumble and fall onto the dirty grass.

“Uh, you’re just so predictable! I mean, it doesn’t stop me from falling for your shit anyway, but still! Try to vary your ways to torture me a bit!” he uttered, earth and leaves all over his face.

“OK, so, let’s forget about this, and go there slowly.”

“What will I do when I’m there? Which Element should I pick? Should I put it on directly? Will I even be able to take them from the tree? Uh... All these dramatically intense questions and yet, no answer!...

"Actually, when you think about it, who cares! I mean, at least the Elements can’t hurt me, they’re probably the safest thing I’ll be dealing with. Nothing can go wrong…" having these thoughts, John continued his way downwards, rapidly reaching the Cave of Harmony.

Here, he stopped just before the entrance, contemplating the cavern's interior. The place was…

"Shut up! I can do the description by myself! I don’t need your shitty complex vocabulary! Swear words are much fucking better to explain shit!

"Wow! This is fucking awesome! There are all those little crystal thingies everywhere and the floor is blue and shit! And the Tree’s fucking cool too! That's just amazing!

"Wait, it’s a tree. I said I’ll be scared of trees for ages…

“Meh! No one cares about continuity anyway! At least I don’t! And since I’m alone, that count as everyone!”

Approaching the Tree, John saw the Elements encrusted into its crystal bark.

“And how am I supposed to get those things out of here? I mean, they’re in the tree, this is going to be more complicated than I thought…” lost in his thoughts, he placed his hands upon the Tree’s surface —as he would have done with any wall. However...

“I don’t like it, when you say that…”

…instead of the normal lack of reaction, the Trees crystal bark began to glow. This radiance grew stronger and stronger until it finally started concentrating into five distinct epicenters of prismatic blaze. The Elements were reacting.

"Oh, shit."

Suddenly, the illumination ceased. Everything returned to normal, the only exception being the Elements. The latter exited their crystal prison thus coming into John’s reach.

"That’s oddly convenient even for you… I’m starting to feel like you’re about to do something that I won’t like… Uh, I don’t feel this right…

"Maybe I shouldn’t pick those things up… But then, what else can I do? I didn’t go here to spend the day talking about philosophy with some trees and walking in the forest for nothing! I can’t jut leave this shit here and… Go away! And then, there isn’t anything that’s as easy to steal as the Elements!

"Nah, I might end up regretting this, but I’ll test my luck anyway!" resolving his self-conflict, John wasted no ti…

"Wait, which one should I pick?... That’s a very stupid question… Huh, who cares, I’ll just put them all on!" deciding on that, he clumsily climbed on an adjacent rock and reached for the upper branches of the Tree. One by one, he removed the trinkets from their usual pedestals and put them on the cavern floor.

"Uuh… So, how do I put all of them on again?

"Oh, I have a terrible idea… I’ll put them around my arms and legs. That’ll work at least. It sure isn’t the most practical way to wear them, though…

"Hmm... That's weird, during this whole thing I was overly hesitant... It's almost like this was an extremely long buildup for something... Long buildups usually don’t mean anything good… I like this even less than I did before…”

"Uh, who cares, you won’t kill me anyway! Even those tree-people somehow managed to not end up ending my life. I’m sure it won’t be different for the Elements of Harmony! I mean, those trinkets are supposed to spread peace and friendship, not kill random dudes!" making his decision, John started to put the Elements on one by one.

However, as the first Element touched his skin, a purplish light started to emanate from its golden surface.

"Oh, that’s a… good sign, I guess. At least I’m not feeling excruciating pain… and that’s already pretty good… Honestly, I was expecting worse."

As the colored glow grew stronger, a feeling of…

"Let me guess… excruciating pain?"

…inner strength arose within John’s mind…

"That’s surely better than excruciating pain! Are you telling me that this thing’s actually going to work and turn me into a demon or something? That’d be amazing!... But also, too easy… Hmm… I’m still not entirely sure about this…”

But despite his skepticism, the might of the Element's magic imbued his human self, the glow now encompassing his whole body. He slowly floated into the air, the light’s intensity becoming nearly unbearable to his eyes.

“Oh fuck, that feels good! I don’t feel completely useless anymore! It’s like… I just drunk at least two whole cans of Mountain Dew (not sponsored by the way)! That’s just amazing!”

The transformation begun. Dark energy awoke within John’s essence and started rearranging his molecules. As a strong wave of heat washed over his body, he felt the bones in his back crack and rearrange, leaving free the way for a sharp pair of wings that spread behind him…

"OH, FUCK YEAH, THAT’S AMAZING!... OK, I’ll stop screaming random shit right now or else this whole thing’s going to sound extremely cheesy…"

…He felt a slight inch in the iris of his eyes. Quickly blinking, he saw the word under a new angle as his —now vertical pupils— accommodated themselves to the strong lighting. John's skin cracked slightly as the ends of him fingers elongated into knifelike claws. A discomfort in his mouth preceded his teeth's metamorphosis into fangs, alike to those of a tiger.

"That’s awesome!... Oh, shit, I have that weird demon voice now? Is it necessary? I mean, it does sound pretty edgy, but that’s just extremely unusual to hear!

"...I always wanted to try this... LALALALAAAAAAA..."he sang, horribly "OK, sorry for your nonexistent ears, but I just needed to do this."

"Aye!..." John suddenly exclaimed as one of his fangs came in contact with his lip"I guess fangs are cooler to look at than to have.

Turning his head, John noticed his reflection on the cave’s crystal wall.

“Well, I kinda look like a shitty Equestria Girls OC, but isn’t that what I wanted? I mean, that’s pretty edgy!... Oh, and thanks to those pupils, I don’t even see this smoke thing! OK, now this is 100% worth it!”

“Wait, so now that I’m a demon, can I at least do some magic or something?” he wondered, waving his —now clawed— hand before his eyes with uncertainty.

“Well let’s give it a try!” he exclaimed, snapping his fingers to find a spiky dark crystal appear just before him.

“That’s awesome! I need some more of these spiky things! I mean, spikes are edgy, right?” having these thoughts, he started snapping his fingers again and again, creating similar crystal spikes all over the cave’s walls.

However, in his excitement, John did not pay attention to the rest of the Elements…

"Shit."

…Indeed, once the transformation was completed, a faint glow overtook the latter. Each Element ignited in the color or its gem, the whole forming a multicolored rainbow.

As the intensity of the radiance grew, the crown on John’s head too started to glow. Ever so slowly, all the Elements were ablaze. Even slower, the gems started to levitate, forming a pentagon that meant nothing good to any evil in the area.

"No! You can’t do this to me! Not after hyping me so much!"

As the Elemental formation completed itself, a faint light appeared in its center. A blast was coming. And its target was none other than John.

“Hmm… there’s one thing that no villain ever tried to do against this…”

As the faint glow became brighter, the Elements concentrating their might, John too braced himself. He wasn’t ready to give up so easily.

“Sure, I don’t… All I need to do… is…” he concentrated on the multicolored light “DODGE!” he shouted, lunging to the side as the multicolored beam went off right in his direction.

However, instead of the elegant dodge he planned, the result was more of a fail. Indeed, as one of his new wings hit the cavern wall, the other didn't help him to remain upright. His mass going towards the floor once again, the only thing he could see was the blinding rainbow of light blasting right into his chest.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

As the beam, penetrated his body, the Elements' magic immediately attacked his cells. Unable to breathe, unable to see, the only thing he could feel was pain. Excruciating pain.

The Elements of Harmony knew no pity. Their mission was to protect Equestria and remove threats to its peace. And the means to remove these threats could sometimes be all but gentle.

This was what John currently experienced. Within his body as within his mind, the magic of Harmony raged war against its shaded enemies. The conflict was draconian. It felt as if his soul was getting ripped from his body. The suffering comparable or even worse than death.

It only lasted a few seconds but felt an eternity.

"Oh, fuck... Why are you doing this to me? These are the Elements of Harmony, not some fucking torture device!... I mean, I did tell you to diversify your ways to mutilate me, but that... I knew this buildup wasn't leading to anything good..."

Drained of his forces as well as of all evil, John fell to the floor, unable to move, the dark crystals he placed earlier hurting his back.

Smoke

…

Wait, that’s how dream sequences usually begin! Oh, fuck off!

I don’t want to meet any tops or Princess Lunas again!

You know what? I’m just waking..."

"...up!"

"Oh, fuck… Waking up maybe wasn't the best idea… My whole body hurts here…

"And why did I put all these spiky things everywhere? They're edgy and all, but I guess my back doesn't appreciate edgy shit as much as I do…

"Wait a minute… What the fuck happened to the smoke in my eyes? No… That's just stupid! You can't do this to me!

"There is no way being shot by the Elements of Harmony made the smoke become blue! I mean, now it isn't even edgy! It's just stupid and hurts my eyes!

"Ugh…I can't believe I was this close to success and failed so hard…" he grunted, lifting his hurting body of the sharp-crystal-covered ground.

"What's my plan now?... I don't even know! I could look at my amazingly well-organized plan-thing…

"Wait, the Elements are still here… And I don't think they're going to torture me again any time soon… I hope.

"I mean, I could take them with me, they still can be useful at some point." deciding on that, John approached the Elements of Harmony, lying on the floor in the same position he saw them before being shot.

"Huh, am I sure about that though? What if when I put them on again, they'll shatter my heart and soul while devouring the very essence of my consciousness and destroying any perception of reality except that of excruciating pain as they just did a minute ago?

"Ah, I'll take the risk! It's not like It's going to kill me or anything!" and John was right indeed as now that his body was purged of any essence undesirable to Equestria, there was no further point in torturing him once more.

"Oh, thanks! That's reassuring!... Could have avoided torturing me the first time too!" he uttered, his voice loudly echoing throughout the cave and masking the slight sound of hoofsteps outside.

"OK, I'll just shut up and get out of here before getting caught by anything else able to injure me in any way!" he exclaimed, quickly grabbing the Elements and forcing his injured and tired body towards the exit as fast as he could master.

"Oh, fuck, now not only do my eyes hurt, but so does the integrity of my body! At least I have the Elements or else this whole thing would have been an extremely painful waste of time!"

Approaching the cave opening, he slowed down a bit, careful not to alert any creature lurking outside. Leaning his head next to the caves wall, he peeked outside to see what was waiting for him there.

"Oh, it's the royal guard… I bet Luna didn't appreciate the fact some weird creature is running free with the Alicorn Amulet…

"I guess I need to get past them. I mean, it's not really a problem since they're all pretty much as intelligent as Skyrim NPCs, but… no actually that's it. I bet I could just walk past them and…"

"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM! NOBODY BREAKS THE LAW ON MY WATCH!" shouted an intimidating voice from somewhere behind John.

Turning around, he saw the threatening figure of a massive royal guard, glaring at him with fierce determination.

"AH! What the fuck?!

"Wait, I didn't think you were literally NPCs!"

"What?" answered the guard, visibly as confused as John was scared several moments ago.

"Ah, forget about it…"

"So, I was saying: STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL…"

"Yeah, I got that part."

"Oh, sorry. YOU COMMITTED CRIMES AGAINST EQUESTRIA…"

"OK, could you stop shouting and tell me what's exactly the laws that I'm breaking right now?"

"Uh, that's a good question." The guard looked lost in his thoughts for moment before asking one of his subordinates "What was our mission again?" the latter gave him the same troubled look before searching his saddlebags and extracting a piece of crumbled paper from one of them. Glancing at it, his expression grew satisfied. He proceeded by giving the paper to the first guard.

"Ah yes, we were sent here by the Princess of the Night in order to find and arrest the suspicious creature in possession of the Alicorn Amulet. That's the thing you're wearing, right?" he quizzed John, pointing his hoof towards the trinket on his neck.

Looking at the Amulet, John desperately tried to come up with some way to dodge the question, before suddenly realizing it was now blue as the smoke in his eyes.

"What, this?..." he asked, the tension extremely sensible in his voice despite all his efforts to conceal it "Of course it's not!... I mean, just look at it! It's blue!"

"I hope this thing's going to work… I mean, they're guards after all, fooling them shouldn't be too hard."

"Oh." the guard seemed troubled once again. He looked at the paper again, the image upon it becoming visible to John this time.

"Hmm, according to the Princess' portrait, the thing's in fact supposed to be red."

"I see Luna's drawing skills aren't much higher than the intelligence of these guys. I wonder how this country still exists…"

"Sorry then. Uh… What were you doing here?"

"Fuck, I need to dodge another question."

"Erm… I'm… visiting… the forest… yeah, it's a very nice forest you have right here!"

"Well, then good luck in your visit, stranger! I hope you're enjoying our land!"

"Sure, I am! I've never suffered this much pain and emotional shock in so little time!"

"Oh, Equestria is truly delightful! Well, I wish good fortune in your duties too! I hope you'll be able to find this strange creature as fast as possible!"

Saying goodbye, the Royal Guards continued their route through the forest leaving John alone once again.

"DID THEY JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE THE FACT I HAD THE ELEMENTS ON ME ALL ALONG?!

"Honestly, I think they're even worse than Skyrim NPCs…"