A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Alone once more, John stood in the empty crater before the Cave of Harmony.

"Well, a lot of shit happened in the last few minutes... But at least now, I'm alone and pretty safe. That's positive. I mean, the guards won't bother me anymore and if I don't go into this fucking forest too much, I should be able to avoid the trees...

"But, what's the plan now? I mean, I've got the Elements, at a price, but I still got them. So, what should I go for next? I don't think there are a lot of other artifacts around here...

"I mean, I could look at my amazing plan and cross the Elements out while I'm at it..."

"So, I already got the Amulet and the Elements. What's next?"

"Huh, the Fallen Star is still somewhere over here, but the fact I have absolutely no idea of where it is didn't change either. And with my orientation skills, I highly doubt I'll be able to find it even with the narrator's help."

"So, the closest thing seems to be the Golden Apple, if I'm here at the right moment of the timeline of course..."

"I guess I'll go there then..."

"But then, the possibility it won't even be here shouldn't be forgotten… and even if it is, I'll probably be too lazy to look for it anyway…

"Ah, I'll come up with a better plan on the path!" John exclaimed, heading back towards the forest.

"I won't go inside the Everfree again though. Those wolves and Manticores and trees weren't the best things to encounter. I'll follow a path this time!

"I mean, there surely is a path from here towards Ponyville? It's just logical!" he guessed, scanning the surroundings in search of a clear track.

"What, are you telling me that there's no trail to Ponyville from the fucking Cave of Harmony? You can't be serious?" in his confusion, John made his path towards the nearest trees desperately looking for the road.

"It's right behind me, isn't it? That's the kind of thing you usually do..." turning around John discovered a nice track surrounded by thick forest.

"Yeah... obviously..."

"Anyway, the only problem with this path is that there might be someone else on it. That would suck... But then, I really don't want to listen to another philosophic lecture, so I guess that's the best solution..." taking the forest path, John sunk into his thoughts.

"So, if the Apple won't be there —which is probably what's going to happen— what's my backup plan?

"Hmm... I don't want to go under water yet, so the pearl thing probably isn't the best target. And in addition, it's like, really far away, if travel in the Everfree takes multiple hours, what will traversing this whole country be like? I mean, I'm not a horse, I can't walk for days!

"So, then there's Dark Water. I'm pretty sure that's the thing the most likely to work in some way. But then, I don't even know where it exactly is!

"Oh, fuck, I was stupid when writing this plan... I don't even know where most of this shit is located!"

"So, the only option left is something else I probably forgot about. Wow, that's a precise plan that I've got here...

"Wait, I have an idea! An idea so stupid and illogical from cannon and non-cannon standpoints that there's no way it won't work! I mean, plot convenience is the only kind of logic that stands right now...

"So, since I've got the Elements, and the Elements were used to defeat Nightmare Moon, maybe there's a shitty way to rez that Nightmare thing!

"Or... maybe not... I mean, there's literally no basis for me to be claiming this, but I'd rather do that than fight some fish-horse-people. And then, Canterlot is the capital of ponies. It's always not that bad of a plan to go there I guess..." as John continued monologuing, the forest around him started to grow lighter. The trees became scarcer and less menacing, somewhere in the distance some signs of pony activity could even be seen.

"Well, I'm extremely surprised by the lack of shitty random encounters on this walk. I mean, I'm not there yet, but the fact I wasn't assaulted by random characters, asking me for what the fuck am I and other such questions is already a good sign." this is when...

"Shit. Jinxed it..."

...a sudden gust of wind blew upon the nearest trees, making some leaves on their branches tremble.

"Huh, I see... Now you're trolling me while using the opportunity to put some of that completely useless description in here... Smart moves...

"Oh, that Applejack's plantation over there, isn't it? It seems plot convenience still reigns... I can't even see anyone near the trees! The only thing missing would be the Golden Apple just randomly falling upon my head or something... Oh, shit why did I say tha..." exclaimed John, before quickly regretting his words, as the latter were interrupted by a sudden shock on the back of his head.

"OH, FUCK! That's painful!... I mean, not nearly as painful as the Elements but fuck...

"Uh, and, I feel dizzy now... No, please don't make me black out into a dream sequence... I'm sick of..."

...Tops

Wait, tops? Oh no, really? Now the whole dreamscape is made of tops…

That's as stupid as it is annoying.

Why did it have to be tops…

"Insignificant human! I've told you tops were the master race! Look, we control the world now! It's only us! Your insults towards our mighty kind have only made us stronger. Your mind can no longer be rid of tops!"

Oh, no... Why can't my brain think of something else? I'm trapped with fucking tops now...

"Haha! And now there is no excuse for you to avoid the speeches about our superiority! You can't escape the truth!

Fuck, I'm pretty sure even Princess Luna would be better than this... Oh, fuck why did I say that...

"Yes?"

And now you're here too... Oh, you know what? Why won't you listen to the fascinating ideas these tops have to offer?

Oh, right, you control the dreams, they're already gone...

So, I guess I need to talk to you right now… Why are my dreams such a mess…

"I see thou hast gotten past my elite Royal Guards. Truly impressive, vile creature... But do not think that thou shalt be able to roam free!"

Wow, I'm scared...

I mean, now that the guards think I'm just a tourist, what can you do? And even if they didn't, were you really thinking that the Royal Guard —the most incompetent organization in the entirety of the universe— would be able to get me?

"Do not insult my elite troops, vile creature, they might not be the brightest, but… that's not very important for soldiers…

"But even if you surpassed their collective effort, do not think that you won, as I shalt not be defeated this easily! If my guards could not get thou, I shall act by myself!"

Wait, are you saying that you're going to do something? Like, a Royal Princess actually acting and being useful? You mean, you doing something? It just can't be! Isn't this forbidden?

"Deuce! Thou art aware of the Royal code! I cannot disobey its sacred rules... unless the situation is dire enough... No, action cannot be an option..."

Right, it's illegal, that's what I thought... It explains a lot actually…

"Or perhaps, the situation is extremely dire... Perhaps the time to act hast come at last..."

OK, could you please stop with you extremely over-dramatic monologue? If you continue like this, it might start sounding even less natural than me...

"SILENCE, thief! Thy evil deeds shalt not stay unpunished!"

OK, so that's the moment when I leave her in this dramatic monologuing state and just randomly wake up in the middle of a wo...

"...rd" John mumbled as he slowly emerged from his enforced slumber.

"I bet you didn't let me faint in peace, did you? There's obviously somepony here..."

...

"Well that's interesting..." troubled, John got up slightly and carefully opened his eyes —a small cloud of blue smoke escaping as his eyelids separated.

"Oh, I nearly forgot about that thing...

"So, what do we have here?...

"Well firstly, its nighttime, that's pretty good for not being noticed. And then... Huh, interesting, there's no one around. I'm almost disappointed in you, narrator...

"Now that I think about it, I didn't really see any signs of barns in the surroundings... But then, I didn't really have the time to see anything before that Apple fell on my skull...

"But even so, there's like a fuck-ton of barns near the Apple farm, I should have noticed at least one..."

"I mean, now that it's dark, I can't really confirm anything... And then it's genuinely not my problem at the moment! I've got a Golden Apple to eat!

"I mean, what else could it have been that made me black out like that? My head hurts horribly now, it can't be anything else!

"So, where's that thing?" exclaimed John looking around in desperate search of the precious fruit.

"Don't you dare do that thing again! The fact I'm bad at locating things can't be my only character trait!

"Oh, here it is!" he uttered, noticing the Apple in the neighboring grass.

"Can't wait to see how am I about to fail at eating it..."

Picking the Apple up, John looked at it in doubt. "That thing sure does look like it's done out of metal..."

Readying himself, he put the Apple into his mouth and took a bite, or perhaps tried to...

"Oh, fuck my teeth! This fucking thing's literally gold, how are you supposed to eat it?! I mean these ponies must have amazing teeth to be able to bite pure gold!

"I guess that's another artifact to cross off my list... I'll take it with me like the rest then..."

"Oh, fuck this was painful... Hmm... It's almost like every artifact I'm picking up now is hurting me in some way. Is this a message or something? Like, a way to tell me that evil is bad and that I shouldn't try obtaining infinite power, but perhaps go talk to someone or get a life... Maybe, the narrator is trying to make me question my behavior and lead me to become a good person... Nah, that's just bullshit, this narrator fucking sucks, he couldn't be trying to do anything other than torture me!

"Well, then it's time to head towards Canterlot I suppose...

"It's going to be a long way... I better keep walking." taking his decision, John looked around, in search of some landmark able of giving him a rough idea of where he was about to go.

"Just tell me where's that city, don't be a dick!" he demanded the air in annoyance. However, the latter did not seem to be inclined to provide any help at the moment.

"OK then, I guess I could try thinking about it and end up lost in some random non-canon place… or…"

"Well, I've got another idea… It might not be the best one, but at least, I won't need to be dealing with this cocky narrator to make it work."

"What if I try getting help from Lyra?…"