A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"OK, so I've got a plan."said John as he contemplated the distant shades of Ponyville across the night.

"Yeah, and this plan doesn't involve you so, just shut up.

"So, I mean, Lyra should be able to help me, shouldn't she? Uh, it'd make sense, to me at least...

"She's supposed to be the one obsessed with humans, right? If a human shows up... something'll happen for sure...

"I'm kinda scared of her reaction now...

"Meh! I better keep walking instead of constantly doubting every single of my ideas that isn't completely stupid.

"But then, like I'm literally going to interact with another character free willingly... That's surely something the narrator's going to use to somehow make me less alone and able to monologue...

"I mean, trying to reason with this guy's probably harder than avoiding any character development he could be trying to inflict on me." reflecting on the matter, John now approached the desert streets of the nocturnal town.

"Uh, that's weird, I never saw this place so devoid of life... It's almost one of those end of the world grimdark fics where everyone's dead, except no one's actually dead and I'm just hugely overreacting...

"Wait, there's something other that life that's missing in this town... Something vaguely in the shape of a middle finger... Oh fuck, the castle isn't there! I almost don't feel attacked by Hasbro when looking at this place, that's unsettling...

"Well, that probably just because I'm here before season 4 or something. Uh, it's not important for the moment anyway, I'm looking for Lyra, not Twilight!

"Wait, I think I've got another problem... Where's Lyra supposed to live?

"Fuck, I'm back to this stupid orientation problem again... I guess there are some frames in the episodes that vaguely show where she lives, but I'm not a robot, I have a life!

"Uhmm, the last statement actually isn't true... So, I think I could be able to recognize the place when I'm next to it... Maybe...

"I can't believe my deep knowledge of... two or three random MLP characters would be useful one day!

"Anyway, I guess I just need to remember where it is...

"...

"Not here I suppose... Or perhaps... this door kinda looks similar to another door that I've seen once...

"I don't know... did even this perfectly crafted plan fail? That's just sad. And again, It's all because I can't find where it is...

"I should really stop being stupid, the joke's getting old at this point...

"OK, so I could just knock on this random door. I mean, it kinda looks like the one from the show when I think about it, but then it's only logical that they look alike since this literally is the world in which the show happens so...

"Ugh... What's the worst that could happen?" approaching the unremarkable door, John slowly reaching out to knock on it, ready to encounter whatever creature lived inside.

"You know what, I should hesitate a bit more, honestly, there wasn't enough of this awkward should I do this self-conflicting monologue yet, don't you think so?"

...

"Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, what if, after the knocking process has been terminated, the door explodes in a thaumatic blast of unsymmetrical energy, causing the apparition of a multidimensional vortex that summons the almighty eldritch deities into this colorful world? Wouldn't such an event be sad?...

"OK, I'll just knock on it already..." he conceded, striking the wooden surface with his fist.

At first, nothing happened, no reaction nor movement seemed to be occurring inside...

"Oh, that'd be boring, I don't want to be forced to just sit here for the rest of the night!"

... but then, ever so slowly, the sound of unsure hooves upon wooden flooring came from the inside, approaching.

"Are you trying to make the event of someone opening a door dramatic? If you are, just please stop, it doesn't work!"

At last, the door swung open and John finally saw the house's inhabitant.

"Great... It's Background Pony Number 347..." the remark may have been indiscreet, but the one opening did seem quite worthy of it. Behind the door, stood a completely average Earth pony, its dull gray fur almost contrasting with the lively colors of what John was expecting.

"Uhm, it's 377" he retorted, a bit annoyed.

"What?"

"You got my name wrong, it's Background Pony Number 377 not Background Pony Number 347. I mean, how stupid does Background Pony Number 347 sound!"

"Yeah... sure..."

"OK, so now that this problem's out of the way, what the fuck are you and why are you knocking at my door at 3 AM?"

"Fuck, I need my amazing dodging techniques or else I'll need to explain shit...

"Well, that's a great question..."

"Yeah, that's why I'm asking it."

"Well, you see, life is complicated and doesn't always flow that way you want it to..."

"Great, now just answer my question."

"But isn't the true question here, what is life??"

"No, the true questions are what the fuck are you and why are you here?"

"OK, time to switch to my intimidation technique..."

"So you want to know what the fuck am I?"

"Yeah, that's what I want."

"SO ARE YOU FUCKING TELLING ME YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK AM I?"

"YES I FUCKING WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!"

"SO YOU ARE FUCKING TELLING ME THAT YOU JUST FUCKING ASKED ME WHAT I AM?"

"Yes."

"OK then, just wanted to be sure."

"I understand, this kind of questions could be confusing at times. So, now just answer it."

" Time for the last resort."

"Uh, yes."

"..."

"I guess I need to explain it then..."

"OK, so I'm John. And, I'm kinda from another dimension which sounds like bullshit, but really isn't... at least I think... And why am I here?... So, I was somewhat looking for Lyra Heartstrings, but since I'm dumb as fuck, don't really know where she lives, so I just decided to knock on a random door that happened to be yours."

"Uh another one of those looking for Lyra Heartstrings! Why does no one ever knock on my door just to see me!"

"Wait, does this kind of situations often happen?"

"No, it totally doesn't I just wanted to complain and this seemed like a goodish excuse... So, what are you going to do? I'm not telling you where she lives. My life's way too boring to just let you go right away! Sometimes I wonder why does nothing interesting ever happen to me..."

"Great... Can I come in then? Because we seem to be randomly screaming quite a lot and I doubt your neighbors appreciate that."

"Inviting an unknown creature that claims to be coming from another dimension into your home isn't usually the best of ideas... and usually means that you had a bit too much of these werid mushrooms... but I don't remember having anymushrooms recently, so... Yeah, come in, I guess. We'll just awkwardly talk inside or something..." leading the way, Background Pony Number 377 came in, John following him closely.

On the inside, the house was quite basic. After a small corridor, could be seen a tiny kitchen, the latter mixing itself with an unremarkable living room. Some other closed doors, seemingly leading to bedrooms and such could also be seen. Overall, the place really didn't have anything special to it. Everything wasn't too clean nor too messy. Just perfectly average...

"This isn't the kind of places that reminds me of the fact I'm in a world populated by fucking cartoon horses.

"Yeah... so just a little question, is your name or variations of it common, like, in the region?"

"Well, of course it is! We're all just serial numbers and... NO! What are you thinking?!" suddenly exclaimed the pony, startling John "I mean, what would such a thing involve? Like, you're trying to tell me that our whole life has been a lie and were're all just mindless puppets, created to distract young children and weird adults that watch us go on with our everyday lives in the background of a completely artificial film or something?"

"No... not at all... that'd be ridiculous!..." agreed John, collecting all his inner acting skills in order to sound natural.

"Completely ridiculous, right? My parents just didn't like me, that's why they gave me this stupid name! They thought it was subversive or something... Meh, I don't even care anymore!" continued the pony, approaching a small sofa in the corner of the living room and sitting upon it. Once there, he invited John to rejoin him and took a bowl of chips from a nearby table, putting it on the sofa.

Unsure of what to say next, John decided to put another inquiry out of the way "Uhm... so, have you heard of the Princess of Friendship or something like that recently?" he asked unsurely, as he came to sit next to his host.

"Princess of what? Friendship?" exclaimed the other "That'd be just stupid! Where do you have this idea from? Why would such a bullshit concept as friendship need a representation?! It isn't even that important! I mean, look at me! I don't have any friends and I'm completely fine!" he added, plunging a greasy hoof into a bowl of chips, somehow managing to grab some and put them into his mouth.

John observed the process with fascination, both impressed by the stickiness of the pony's hooves and suddenly remembering he didn't eat in about a day.

The hunger emerging in his mind, only one question really bothered him now "May I have some of this too?" he asked, grinning at the bowl carnivorously.

"No! These are mine!" retorted the pony, slightly hurt by the demand "I started eating them 3 months ago and won't let some weird stranger just steal my precious chips! If you want something, just look in the fridge." he stated, pointing at the latter, then added in hesitation "Well, actually, I wouldn't do that... I didn't open it for about three weeks and not planning on doing it in fear of some strange life form emerging inside. I'll just go fetch you something less dangerous..."

Taking his decision, Background Pony Number 377, walked off into an adjacent room that probably served as storage, leaving John alone with his thoughts.

"Well, that's cool… at least now I know I'm here before season 3. But then, I'm starving again... And even though this guy doesn't sound that bad, he sure won't help me a lot... I mean, at least, I can be quite sure he won't be doing the opposite either…"

"At least the narrator isn't trying to do any shipping for the moment, it's definitely fine with me…"

Emerging from his thoughts once again, John noticed the pony come back with a large bowl. As the stallion walked past him, an interesting detail caught his eye. The pony's Cutie Mark was quite unique. Indeed, upon his gray flanks resided nothing other than the word "BLANK".

Despite being confused by this fact, John decided not to talk about it for the moment.

"So, here's all I found. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it should in theory be eatable. I guess you'll never know unless you try it!" exclaimed the pony as he put another bowl down on the sofa, placing it just next to a perplexed John.

"That's reassuring…"

Looking into the bowl, its content did seem quite strange. There, could be seen small multicolored pieces of an unknown material that rapidly twitched in place. A light smoke also emanated from these particles, the latter glowing as the nocturnal sky.

"So that's what you meant by less dangerous... Are you even sure that's… food? I mean, I'm quite open about new cultures and dishes, but this just looks more alive than eatable."

"Ah, don't worry! I only buy things I can eventually eat! It can't be poison, why would I need that! It's probably some magical shit for unicorns I bought by accident, it shouldn't really affect you in any way!"

"Uhm… OK, I guess I'm too hungry to judge anyway!"

"Oh, mate, while you eat, I think I too, have a question to ask. I just noticed, but why the fuck are you wearing the Elements of Harmony and the Alicorn Amulet? Like, aren't these supposed to be quite powerful magical artifacts? How did you get them? And why are you here, eating chips with some random guy when these things are supposed to give you the power to destroy the universe of something?"

"Shit."

"Well, it's complicated…" started John, staring into his bowl with a mix of disgust, hunger and thoughtfulness.

"Well, obviously."

"Just let me eat and I swear I'll explain it to you… unless you have any open windows by which I could awkwardly flee…" looking around in search of the latter, John was quite disappointed by the lack of any escape route.

As he started unwillingly consuming the sparkling particles, the pony added "I mean, you don't have to…" then, thinking about it for several seconds changed his mind "Or actually… you do have to. It's almost like I'm finally part of something interesting, I won't just let you flee!"

Several seconds passed in partial silence, as John made up his mind about the weird tingling sensation this new food was causing in his brain. It was kinda pleasant, but also extremely unnerving. Calming his urge to eat, he stopped to explain the situation.

"So broadly, I stole all this shit, however, since I'm a fucking human, it doesn't work on me! So now, I'm just out of logical ideas and trying to make some random shit up in order to make something work."

"Yeah, and so that's why you were going to see Lyra, right?"

"Yeah, but I got you instead, so I guess I'll just work with that."

"So, you mean, something's about to actually happen in my boring life?"

"No, of course not! I just mean that when we're done awkwardly talking, I'll go to see Lyra and you'll stay here, useless as you always were."

"That ain't nice! You rose my hopes so high just to end up confirming my life's meaninglessness!"

"OK, actually, I just don't want to have anyone in my immediate surroundings for more than an hour, so I can't really do anything with you…"

"It's a shame this kind of characters exist… Image living just to know nothing interesting's ever going to happen in your life… Ugh, I wouldn't like that. Fortunately, this kind of people isn't a thing IRL… Or is it?..."

"Oh, that's sad, but it makes sense I guess…"

"However, I must say that if I ever manage to make my plan work, you won't be one of those corpses decorating my spiky villain castle! I'll try making you a bit more relevant…"

"Nice to hear such sweat words… OK, so can our conversation become a bit less dramatic and sad now?"

"Yeah, good idea."

"So, how were these rainbow things?"

"Uhm, quite strange actually… I don't know…"

"I think I just remembered where I got them! So, yeah, it was a creepy hooded dude that sold them to me. I think he said they were from the Rainbow Factory or something like that. I think I was like: "This sounds pretty gay; I should get some of that" then bought them. Weird story when you think about it."

"Cool… so firstly I probably just ate some shredded ponies and secondly it tasted quite good, I think I liked it. My life's a fucking mess…"

"Oh, that explains some things…"

"Does it?"

"AH, just forget about it… Uhmm… So what do you actually do in your life. Like, you said you're extremely useless and shit, but what do you actually spend your time at."

"Well, when I said I'm doing nothing, I wasn't exaggerating. You see, when I got to the employment office, the guy here just saw my Butt-Symbol-Thing and was like "Nah, you can't do anything useful." So, I really don't do anything. I mean, I get paid for it, so that's nice I guess, but having completely nothing as your special talent isn't really the best, you know?"

"Oh, that's just sad… I mean, you should be able to do something."

"NO, it's like in the law. For me, action is forbidden."

"Wait, you know, actually, the law also specifies that the Royal Princesses aren't allowed to act, so… maybe that means you're like going to become a Princess or something?"

"That'd be completely stupid… Not as stupid as the Princess of Friendship though, but still quite stupid."

"Uh, I don't know, this world probably needs something like Background Pony Number 377, Prince of… of Nothing!"

"Sure, I mean, I wouldn't mind…" as the pony pronounced these words, slight sparkling light started emanating from under his fur.

"No… You can't be doing this! I tolerated a lot of shitty non-canon elements, but now this is just plainly stupid, this guy can't just become an alicorn because I said so! It'd be almost as stupid as if I became an alicorn myself!"

But in spite of John's disagreeing thoughts, it seemed like it was exactly what was about to happen.

"Mate, I think I just jinxed it." announced John.

"What?" confusedly asked the pony.

"Look at yourself." replied, John, his face a mix of boredom and exasperation.

Eyeing his once perfectly normal fur, Background Pony Number 377 noticed that it was no longer so bland. Indeed, bright light now overtook the whole of his body, slowly starting to lift him into the air "Oh… That's unexpected…"

"Yeah, so I think it's a good moment for me to go, I guess, good luck being an Alicorn."

However, not everything would go as planned.

"You mean, even less than now?"

Indeed, as the Alicorn transformation began, the Elements of Harmony did not seem to agree.

"That's right, thanks to the Elements for keeping this adventure at least mildly cannon… Poor guy though, he really didn't merit all this…"

"Oops, I think the Elements aren't liking it…" slowly said John as he saw the colored jewels ignite as they did in the Cave.

"Wait, what?" exclaimed the pony through the cocoon of blinding light that now formed around him, preparing to send him to another realm.

The Elements' light however grew stronger, overwhelming even that of the transformation, the rainbow ray now starting to form in their center.

The concentrated might of Equestria's protectors ignited the air, as their ruthless blast shot out in the pony's direction. A sad "Oh, fuck…" was the last thing John heard before the target was reached.

"…"

As the light returned to normal, John saw what he expected: a sad and suffering pony.

"Well, that's sad mate, but I guess the Elements weren't very happy with the idea of a Prince of Nothing… You're probably going to experience searing pain for about an hour now, so… Yeah, I'll just go.

"Thanks for the food I suppose and… Uhm… Bye!... Oh, and please don't tell Luna that I was here and where I'm going!" pronouncing his awkward farewell, John just walked off towards the door, leaving Background Pony Number 377 where he was.

"What? You can't judge me! You're the one who started this stupid ascension thing!

"And then, I needed to go anyway, this seems like an OK excuse!"