Chapters The Conversion Bureau: Tourist Trap
Southern boys aren’t as stupid as the world wants to think. Those space nerds gloss right over the fact that the old NASA headquarters was in Houston, Texas, and astronauts were trained in Huntsville, Alabama. And that guy who built the adapter for the carbine dioxide scrubber for Apollo 13, graduated from Mississippi State University. No sir, southern boys aren’t stupid. In fact, while the east coast goes stupid with politics and the west coast bleeds to death trying to give everything away, the South just keeps on keepin’ on.
When the oil ran out, we still knew how to handle animals. When the energy ran out we still knew how to make fire. When the food ran out… Dumb shits died, but not us farmers, preppers, and eagle scouts – “be prepared”, as my dad would say. So when a tumor opened up in the sea, we weren’t going to just let the horses that popped out of it invade our land. Government gave up though. They’re letting the horses turn people into them to “emigrate to Equestria”. Some people think that fucks up their mind, and now there’s a bunch of chicken shits shittin’ their pants over the idea of getting “potion” dumped on them from the sky… I ain’t that stupid. Some people think that getting turned into one of them is the Mark of the Beast and you lose your soul. I ain’t that stupid either. If those idjuts would just read their bible, they’d know that you have to choose to accept the Mark of the Beast, but when news got out about that one group spraying down the Super Bowl and turning everyone there into horses, I knew that was bullshit, but I was born an American, and I’ll die an American.
The best part about being “in the middle of nowhere” is that no one has reason to bother you. The horses haven’t gotten this far inland, and I doubt they ever will really, but the government is giving up and letting the horses call the shots. I can’t stand for that, and neither could the owner of the Sour Notes Winery, which apparently used to be called Stone Hill Winery before it moved. Guy who ran it figured out how to tap into horse magic to power up the old machines. Then he went and figured out how to use it to keep the horses out. Again, I ain’t one of those dumbasses who sees something he don’t understand and starts screaming “it’s the devil!” So magic exists, big whup. Radiation wasn’t discovered till some French guy figured it out, but that don’t mean it wasn’t there.
Somehow this guy bought the land out right from the USA, and now the whole city of Branson, Missouri belongs to him as a separate nation. Ya see, this guy used the magic to power up this old amusement park there called Silver Dollar City. People come from all over just to experience the good ole days again… But that’s just a front. Branson is a quiet walled city where the horses can’t get in because the magic pushes them out, so if and more likely when the US hands over the country to the horses, this place will still be free.
Speaking of free, that’s the trap. Some people think they’ll be just as free under the horses as they would be in America, but the horses sold their donkey slaves to the city. Now, everyone calls the park “Pleasure Island” after Pinocchio because the donkeys do all the heavy work, like farming, so we can prepare for the fight we know is coming. Any country that allows slavery can’t be that free, so while all the limp noodles go running off to be horses, fixin’ to find themselves as slaves or something close enough, I’m running to the one place they can’t follow. Cause Southern boys aren’t as stupid as the world wants to think.
The Conversion Bureau: Tourist Trap
Contract of Residency and Citizenship
PART ONE: Simplified Overview of Subsections for Quick Reference.
I. Any rule of law not explicitly stated in this contract shall not be given representation as common law.
II. Any persons entering into this contract must be an eligible adult of their former country entering of their own freewill without threat of loss of quality of life through action or inaction.
III. All four legged races are explicitly accepted as nonhuman and therefore have no or limited rights within the country.
Blah blah blah, it means the “Country” of Pleasure Island is a scheme of course. You don’t make money selling razors, and you don’t make money selling movie tickets; you make money selling blades and popcorn. That’s how amusement parks work too so why not a whole country. Mr. Mann’s country was a nice little way to lure in ignorant people then hit them with hidden fees.
I very calmly pulled out my silenced 45, shot my horse in the head, and made sure it was completely dead before I signed my name to the contract.
Part III states that no four legged animal shall be killed by a citizen or resident, however, Part VI states that all four legged animals will not be allowed to leave the country and will be fed and handled by the staff at the expense of the “one responsible for allowing the animal to enter into the country.” It wasn’t the most complex legalese I had ever seen, and it meant simply that if you came in here with an animal, you were charged for it for the rest of its life. And of course, everyone came here with at least one four legged animal. Ever since the gas crash, the only way of getting around except by your own two feet was to be pulled by those with four. So horse, mule, cow, or herd of sledding dogs, Mr. Mann fully expected to cash in on anyone everyone and even twice as much on any fool who owned a pet. You couldn’t transfer ownership or weasel out of it. Even though practically everything was free, like any good business they would get you in the hidden fees. The only smart thing to do was to kill your ride right at the gate, before you became a proper citizen, of course.
Mr. Mann looked at the horse carcass with a momentary glance of disgust, “Well, Mr. Emerson, since you will no longer be requiring your horse, may I offer to buy the remains?” Mr. Mann was dressed in a red double breasted coat and blue ascot. The style and color of the two probably indicated that he was one of those “old southern gentlemen” who refused to believe the South ever lost the civil war from hundreds of years ago.
“Sure thing, Coach.” I said. Part II of the contract states in one of the subsections that when someone signs, they shall be known and called by that name throughout the country. Mr. Mann’s first name was lost to history, but his title of ‘coach’ seemed to fit the look of him – a man who grew up yelling at boys to live up to his glory days, while ignoring all the rules and demands himself. Part III of the contract detailed how no four legged animal would even have the right to a name, as if he just needed that little bit more of a reminder of how much better he was than everyone else.
Mr. Mann pulled a miniature toy like whip from his pocket and cracked it. Four tiny donkeys about a quarter of my size, were standing behind him flinched and rushed to a shed fetching a sled and ropes before rushing to the dead horse and worked to carry it away. It was clear they had done this several times for the smart people who actually read the rules. “Will four hundred be enough?”
“Yes, thank you.” I said. Of course, if he had offered a penny I still would have said yes. That’s how you deal with people who think they are the wealthy elite: make them think that you are smart enough and rich enough to roll with whatever they do.
Mr. Mann smiled and started walking through the main gates. I followed looking up at the guards on the towers. I couldn’t see their faces from the forty feet of distance, but I could see that they wore expensive professional body armor that included a helmet and carried various assault and sniping rifles. Pulsating gems stuck out of what looked like torches held in sconces against the outside and the inside of the wall. Reaching through the fold of his coat, he pulled out several bills, and handed them to me. “You strike me as a man who knows what’s going on here.”
“That you’ve built a fort that you’re calling an amusement park?”
Mr. Mann laughed, “Not just a fort, a last hold out. We’ll need you when the time comes, but please enjoy yourself as much as you can before the big day.”
He smiled as old men do when facing down war and started walking off, but I stopped him by saying, “Can I ask you a few questions?”
“Of course.” He really looked and sounded like the kind of man who couldn’t be moved by anything.
“How’d you do it? How did you figure out how to use the Equestrian’s magic to keep them out, and how did you capture so many of their donkeys?”
“Ah,” He smiled tilting his head down a bit even as he kept his eyes on me, “Well, Mr. Emerson, knowledge is power. I simply continued doing what I have always done. As for the donkeys,” He paused again grinning, “They simply didn’t understand the consequences of defaulting on our agreement. Remember to enjoy.” With that he turned while raising his hand and walked away.
I heard the roar of roller coasters and the cheers of the people riding it. I never cared for the things even before the gas crash. The inside of the park didn’t really look different from pictures on the internet from years ago. Everything was carefully nestled among trees to make it seem overgrown and hidden despite being in the middle of a city. All of the buildings were rustic log cabin style.
I sat down at one of the food booths, and looked up at the menu. Practically everything was free to citizens but there were prices next to everything for non-citizens. There was a donkey behind the counter wearing a paper hat just like you might find from one of those old diners. It looked around nervously and skiddishly tapped a sign on the counter. I looked down and read, ‘Donkeys not allowed to speak. Order when ready.’
“I’ll have a beer.” I looked at the menu and saw that every beer except house beer still actually cost money. “Make it a Coors.” I drank four ice cold beers, each a different brand. While other people missed air conditioning and cars, this was what I missed. I couldn’t believe even the Coach could get his hands on this stuff, I figured it would have all been drank by now.
“So, you can talk?” I asked, fully expecting the donkey to remain silent. It looked around then nodded slowly. “But you’re not allowed to?” He nodded again, took a step toward the side of the shack, and reached up to tap a copy of the rules stapled to the wall.
I started chuckling completely amused. It was like having a smart toy that could almost talk back to you. “Yeah, I heard how you all were enslaved because you didn’t read the fine print.” I took a swig. The donkey shook it’s head hard then pointed at me, then to itself, then ran it’s hoof across it’s neck in a slitting motion.
I reached over the counter smashing my beer to the ground and grabbed the donkey by the skin on its neck and yanked it braying over the counter. “You threatening me, you little shit?!” It was screaming too loud to hear me so I swung it over my shoulder and onto the top of a trash can before pinning it to the ground. “Answer me you fuck! I said are you threatening me?!” The donkey thrashed about refusing to say a word. It only shook it’s head as it thrashed about. “That’s fuckin’ right!” I punched it across the eye then threw the garbage can on top of it. “Now, clean this shit up!”
I could hear it actually crying as I walked away. I couldn’t kill them, I couldn’t maim them, but I wasn’t about to take no shit from an ass.
The Conversion Bureau: Tourist Trap
Wednesday: I Came, Esau, I Conquered
Wednesday is hump day, but also everyday is hump day. I held its head against the wall while I fucked its ass. They were all male, but instead of turning me off, it just made it funnier because I could actually see when I turned them on. The look of shame in their eyes for getting an erection from being fucked in the ass was something you could never see on real donkeys, but these Equestrian types were everything I could ever want, ya know, except for the lack of a pussy.
“Come on, just ask me to stop and I will, I promise.” I laughed listening to it bray. They never said anything, and it wasn’t against the rules to fuck them right out in the open like this. That was the best part, having no one tell me to stop even as they watched. Actually, it turned me on the most when they saw but pretended not to notice.
An ass’s ass is so accepting and just swallows my dick like a pussy, even when they act like they are resisting, I can tell they want to be humiliated. They want a man to put them in their place while the whole world watches. I pulled out of his ass and slapped his balls. He jumped and brayed. “Get me a free drink.” It paused only a moment before walking a little bowlegged and head down behind the counter to pour a drink. I sat down on the stool and scanned the area for another ass to fuck. My cock stood proud for everyone to see. Every day was the same damn thing: wake up and pound any ass that happened to be available. They pretended to hide, but I could tell they loved being little sluts. I reached for my drink and downed it. I didn’t look back to the one I just used. I didn’t need to finish on or in the first one or even the first ten. I tried to make it last between cumming. Eventually, I saw one with a dustpan and broom. People were encouraged to throw their trash on the ground to give the donkeys something to do other than take cock.
I got up and started running toward it. Most of them when they saw me running would turn and give me something to chase, but maybe this one was new. It just stood there even as I got behind it and lifted it’s tail. I figured it would get the picture when I slammed my dick in it, but it just winced and hung its head. “Hey, hey! I’m fucking your ass, ass! Whine for me, or what, you all ragged out from being a donkey’s bitch?” I fucked it as hard as I could but it didn’t make a sound. To my surprise, I started cumming, and pulled out quickly to cum all over its backside. I was really annoyed at how boring it was even as I wiped my dick off on its side.
“Hey! Did you even feel that? Are you stupid or something?” It just stood there. “I know what it is, you just want more.” I tripped it’s front legs so its face fell into the ground, then I straight up punched into its asshole. It screamed out a bray. “That’s more like it!” A small crowd gathered around to watch me fist the ass while it struggled to move. I wound up pinning it on its back holding one leg as it flailed with the other. I kept punching into it’s ass as it made those screams of ecstasy. I was actually getting hard again. No, I was about to cum from watching this. I yanked my hand out of its ass and lunged forward, penetrating it, and started fucking almost cumming immediately inside of it while I pushed its face to the ground with my shit covered hand over its nose.
“Holy fuck! That was a good lay! I’ve never met an ass that made me cum twice before. Remember to look for me again, the name’s Esau. I got up and walked off. The bitch was too worn out to beg for more, but I don’t mind when they pretend not to like it.
The Conversion Bureau: Tourist Trap
Thursday: Marry, Mary, Quite Contrary
I woke to the sound of the bell in the donkey’s mouth. I pressed the button on the bed to lift me up. “Ah, another glorious morning.” I swore I would start every day by saying that once I had arrived here. Mr. Mann recognized a kindred spirit when he saw one and took me in like the princess I have always been in this world that cannot see my true beauty. I looked out the window from the hotel’s fifth floor. This building was even higher than the walls around the amusement park Mr. Mann had built for himself. From here I could see the tops of the roller coasters of that loathsome place for common folk.
I ate my strawberries and cream in silence from the comfort of the bed. The butlers, that is the donkeys that waited on me, stood dutifully by prepared to receive any order I may give them. I cannot believe the common folk want to become these little beasts, the more colorful sort, I suppose, but they simply do not know the beauty of the feminine form. Yes, perhaps it is kinder than they should be good looking servant beasts than ugly looking humans.
I finished eating and clapped my hands twice. A butler took the tray away while many others carried me from the bed into the bathroom. They were all males, but I considered it my one gift to their kind that they should have the privilege of looking upon my naked body as they bathe me, the very essence of human beauty. After my bath, I had them fit me with my socks. It delights me to watch them work socks up my feet. This is where their kind should be, at feet working for their betters. After having my butlers fit several pair of slippers onto my feet, I decide on a pair and have them carry me down stairs, Where to my surprise Mr. Mann was waiting.
“Ah, Mary. Looking lovely as ever, I see.” He rolled his hand and bowed.
“Oh, Mr. Mann. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?”, the butlers sat my carrying throne down and I stood up preemptively fanning myself in this hot weather.
“Mary, my dear, my flower, my jewel,” Mr. Mann stepped up and took my hands dancing with me to no music other than his voice, a game he likes to play when he is particularly pleased to see me, “I have come to you once again, to ask only that you join me for the Saturday night park closing ceremony.”
“Ah, but Mr. Mann, I say again, how can you stand the proximity to such commoners?” This was my favorite part of the game, gently refusing Mr. Mann’s requests on the grounds of what is dignified and proper.
“But Mary, my sweetheart,” Mr. Mann cooed with that pouty face of his, “Even the common rabble would like to meet their princess once in a while, don’t you think?”
“Bah! Princess,” I broke the dance and turned to fan myself, “That word only makes me sick of late. To think that barnyard animal from the other world actually refers to itself as a princess.”
“Oh~” Mr. Mann cooed again as he stepped up behind me rubbing his cheek against mine, “You are so right, my dear, but they will come soon. Soon they will try to take this palace, but they will fail. They will fail because those many loyal guards, commoners though they may be, will fight for your honor.”
Mr. Mann stepped around to face me and looked into my eyes, “Mary, doesn’t even the commoner deserve to know the face of the one for whom he fights?”
I turned my gaze and pondered the question, as I idly asked, “Does it really make such a difference to a commoner?”
“No,” Mr. Mann shook his head as he stared resolutely in my direction, “No, my dear, it does not. They would not appreciate your beauty, but my love, some may not return from this fight. It is only for my sake that I want them to know whom I would choose to be my queen!”
I looked on dumbfounded as Mr. Mann presented himself on one knee holding up an open box, “Mary, will you marry me?”
I gasped and fanned myself, “Why, yes!”
“Oh, Mary,” He pulled my hand to his cheek, “You make me the happiest man, ever. Will you, will you let me propose to you again at the ceremony in front of everyone who will come to know you as my queen?”
“O-of course! Yes, it will be a wonderful surprise.”
Mr. Mann stood and held my hands in his, “Indeed it will my sweet, and such a pleasure just to say these words again” He smiled and tilted his head to one side. “Will you please forgive me? I am so excited I want to go and prepare the changes at once.”
Without another word Mr. Mann walked hurriedly out of the room leaving me to my own excitement.
The Conversion Bureau: Tourist Trap
My name is Evan and I have seen hell on earth. First I thought that the worst thing that could ever happen was the gas crash. Then the barrier of Equestria appeared. I was afraid of losing my humanity to be turned into a pony against my will. I had heard rumors of a man in Missouri who had created a future proof city that used the pony’s own magic to keep them out. Not only that but the rumors said he had made a paradise by powering all of the old machines, the rides, the cars, the lights, the TVs, and air conditioners with that same magic. It sounded so perfect. I could not convince my family to go with me, but I was too afraid to give up my hands for hooves. I left on a journey that took months. The one act of courage that saved me was leaving the cow with my family. If I had stolen it, I would not have been able to escape.
He called himself Coach Mann, he greeted all of the newcomers at the gate of what the people called Pleasure Island. He presented each of us the contract of citizenship, the contract that he claimed would save us all even if the government allowed the princesses of Equestria to enforce mandatory ponification, because this place was a different country. I felt lucky. I felt accomplished. He turned away many families because they had even one child who was not an adult by US law. He spoke so passionately, “Even a child who wanted with all their heart to come here, must be turned away because the law would see that as coercion, and I will not allow my country to be threatened!”
When I passed through the gates and saw the many guards on high towers surrounded by the magical devices that kept the ponies out, I felt safe. I felt like I was in heaven. I had not ridden a roller coaster or any kind of fair ride since I was a child, so I wanted to do that first. I was surprised to see everything run by small donkeys. I was finally told that they were a species from Equestria, but I was never told how they came to be working with Coach Mann. I tried asking one. At first he would not answer. He just pointed at a posting on a wall. It was the citizenship contract. I finally read it and learned that they were not allowed to speak. I asked if they could, and all I got was a sad nod of his head.
I saw many strange things. Most people had, for all that I could tell, taken leave of their senses. My parents used to call the behavior of rude people at amusement parks ‘season pass holders’ because they had not only grown accustomed to the wonder of such places, but greedy for all it had to offer. While taking in the sights the next day, I saw a man attack a defenseless donkey. I was startled. What had the poor creature done to deserve that? I was afraid to go any closer. To my shame, I watched from afar as the man punched the donkey in the face and throw a trashcan over him. I leaned over a counter and told the donkey there to call for an EMT. When the man left, I ran over to see if the donkey was alright, but his eye was swelling. I tried to ask if anything was broken. He didn’t answer me, just shook his head and sounded like he was crying.
I didn’t see an EMT, so I scooped up the donkey and carried him to the booth. The donkey there just looked at me open mouthed, shook his head, and pointed to the rules posted on the booth. I didn’t understand. I stayed with the injured donkey until he could get up and walked off to clean the trash he was told to pick up. When I recognized what he was doing I grabbed my chest, it hurt to watch him actually do what he was told by the man who brutally attacked him. Later I read the rules again and learned that the contract said the donkeys could only call medical services for humans and only for any other creature if it was life threatening. Out of a strange sense of grief and disgust, I went back to my room and slept the rest of the day.
The next day I saw how common the abuse was. I just didn’t want to see it the first two days, but while walking through a quieter part of the park I saw a man who after a moment I realized was nude and was having sex with one of the donkeys. I yelled out and started running, but out of nowhere, two guards in solid black armor grabbed my shoulders and told me to stop running and yelling because it was disturbing the peace. I frantically pointed and told them to stop that man. They looked and said he was just having fun. When I saw the man wrestle the donkey to the ground and heard the cries of pain as the man pulled his fist back and actually started punching into the poor creature’s anus, pulling his arm completely out before punching again. I thought I was going to throw up from what I was seeing. I begged the guards to stop this cruelty, but they would not. I tried to plead the terms of the contract. Surely, the donkey was going to need medical attention at least. They got angry with me for “trying to be a rules lawyer” and carried me away to the office of Coach Mann himself.
I told Mr. Mann everything I had seen, I begged him to do something, but he just stared at me quietly until I couldn’t say anything else. Then he said that if I wanted to leave, the gates open in the morning. He warned me though that if I stepped outside of the gates, I would never be allowed back in under any circumstances. He also warned that I only had one business week from my signing the contract to make a final decision about leaving, and then the contract would not allow me to leave at all.
I was scared. It took months to get here on my own and I barely made it. If I left, I may not make it home, and even if I did the world as I knew it was probably going to be invaded by ponies. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t do anything for the donkeys, and even more ashamed that I wanted to run from watching their suffering rather than trying to help them. I went around to other rooms in the hotel asking for advice. I found a few who had been given the same message and wanted to leave. I felt like it was going to be ok, as a group we could make it at least to the next city.
The next day came and we were ready to just walk through the gates and leave when the guards and Coach Mann himself stopped us. He said that I could go, but the others came here with animals that were being fed under the contract so if they wanted to leave they had to pay the balance or work off the debt first. None of whom had the money nor the time because this was also their last day to break the contract.
I was scared. I felt… I feel so guilty. I’m probably going to die out here, but I felt trapped between two terrible choices. Is it really better to die free than live in a gilded cage? I don’t know. I’m still trying to get home. Gods and goddesses, let me live long enough to help free those people or if you cannot, please forgive me for not staying to help them.
The Conversion Bureau: Tourist Trap
Every Saturday night, Coach Mann held a park closing ceremony, just like the parks of the old world, it called for fireworks, but a certain number of distinguished guests were invited to personally dine with Coach Mann himself. For Mary, the coach’s bride to be, the invitation arrived just like everyone else’s, delivered by one of the servant donkeys. Despite her reservations, she found the secluded location hidden in the park far away from whom she deemed commoners.
Everyone who came to the hidden entrance had to present their invitations, the hallway to the grand ballroom was lined with guards, but the inner sanctum only had one who despite his intimidating mantle, held the door for everyone. Mary found reason to silently mock many of the guests, most particularly the man who wore the upper half of a tuxedo but nothing to cover his genitals. Mary noticed the servant donkeys looked particularly frightened around Mr. Mann.
With a tap of his glass Mr. Mann addressed everyone, “Welcome to the park closing ceremony dinner. At the end of tonight’s dinner I have a very special announcement. However, I simply love anticipation, so I must leave you all anxiously guessing what it shall be.” Then to prove his wealth, he raised a live chicken in one hand and a saber in the other. With a dramatic slice, the chicken’s head fell to the table and the chicken’s body, dropped from his hand, ran and flapped in a grotesque display of spraying blood until it ran out of sight. Coach Mann raised his hands and smiled signaling everyone to applaud.
A chicken dinner was served shortly afterwards, then a dessert of fruit filled gelatin. Mary started to wonder just how out of touch she was with the world. Was Coach Mann having a laugh at the commoners by having common food prepared for them or was this what was done in high society these days? At last dessert was finished and all of the plates and servants had left the room. It was time.
Coach Mann stood beaming from ear to ear, “Ladies and gentlemen,” He paused as he brought his hands together, “I would like to invite you to a dance.”
Mary scoffed, “Excuse me, dear, but don’t you want to make the big announcement?”
Coach looked back at Mary for a moment, “Oh, yes, my dear. The dance is part of it.” He walked out in front of the table and spun slowly to look at everyone. “Here in this room, I see the great faces of humanity. Faces that deserve to be preserved against what Princess Celestia is calling a ‘rescue mission’,” There was a boo from the guests, “a ‘mission of mercy’,” another louder boo, “Yes, the conversion of humanity into pony” The guests hissed and jeered as the coach nodded his understanding. “But I see in this room, some of the greats and even some of the rares!” He started raising his hand and pointing into the crowd with each that he called out, “Gluttony. Wrath. Sloth. Pride.”
A confused look grew over the faces of the guests even as Mary’s grin grew wider, “Lust. Greed. Envy, and even the rarer faces of Acedia and Vainglory, but!” Coach Mann raised his finger then turned out stretching both of his hands toward Mary in pure adoration, “Not one of you comes close to my dear, my flower, my jewel, my Mary. My Mary who embodies all of these beautiful sins and more.” Mary’s smile ran away from her face as she stared both dumbfounded and utterly embarrassed.
“Mr. Mann!” Mary tried to start incredulously.
“Now, now!” Coach Mann continued, “I promised a big announcement. I am going to tell you the secret of the ponification serum, and how I have protected you all from it. Would anyone like to hear that?”
There was a murmur of agreement.
“It’s Celestia’s blood.” There was another murmur as Coach Mann raised his voice to speak over the din, “Hundreds of thousands of liters of her blood mixed with what she claims to be nanomachines. They are magical machines, which are as small or smaller than nanometers so that is not completely a lie. Now, a question for you:” The guests quieted down again, “What happens when you mix those same nanomachines with the blood of a god of chaos? Anybody? Alright, I’ll tell you, nothing.” He spread his arms again and spun in a wide circle, “Unless you have already given yourself over to chaos! Ladies and gentlemen! Let us dance the transformation tango!”
With that the lights of the grand ballroom started flashing as extremely loud dubstep started playing. Coach Man started growing and transforming into a living nightmare of amalgamated parts of various animals. The guests turned into a screaming mob and tried to run in every direction possible, but the doors were locked. Hidden guns were pulled from their hiding places and fired. Some having lost all other forms of control started fighting one another. Then the sound of screams was replaced by terrified braying as the guests themselves started transforming into donkeys. They kicked about as they tripped themselves on their own now ill fitting clothing.
In mortified terror, Mary found the one guard in the room, “Stop him, please!”
The guarded lifted his helmet to reveal the same grinning amalgamated face of the creature that was once Coach Mann, “Now, why would I do that, my dear?”
Mary fell to the ground as her feet transformed out from under her. She kicked herself in circles as she struggled to escape the bulky dress only managing to tie herself in tighter knots
Discord looked down from the center of the room laughing maniacally as the explosions from the fireworks above cast his shadow onto the new magically contract-bound slaves still preforming his favorite dance. He tried to savor the moment, but now seeing how she turned out, the thought of putting his new extremely overweight mare to work in the fields with all of the other mares fed Discord like a second dessert.
The Conversion Bureau: Tourist Trap
Princess Celestia sat on her throne and let the letter slip from her magical grasp to glide to the floor as she lowered her head in a moment of silence.
“I can still tell when you are thinking of me, Celestia.” Discord’s voice eerily filled the room as he materialized out of thin air in front of the princess wearing a pair of reading glasses as he peered over a copy of Pinocchio. Discord leaned in close, a grin plastered on his face. “I believe you have something to tell me.”
Celestia looked angrily at him, but remained silent.
The plaster shattered as Discord spat the pieces in Celestia’s direction, “Why do you look at me like that? You wanted to save them from their own extinction didn’t you? And I’m helping you, aren’t I?”
Celestia remained silent, the view to the galaxies far off in her mane waved as if blown by solar winds.
“ANSWER ME CELESTIA!” All of the stained glass windows of her castle exploded outward as Discord bellowed loud enough to deafen any mortal pony as well as bend the back of the throne upon which Celestia sat backwards ninety degrees. “Oopsie.” Discord snapped his fingers and all of the damage was undone.
Princess Celestia took a slow breath and started to speak quietly, “Do you really call your tricking ignorant humans and enslaving them as donkeys a way of helping them?”
“Absolutely not,” Discord flew through the air like a flying snake raising his tone as he continued to speak, “I call it a a way of helping you. You, Celestia, you, who wished to save an alien race from their own self-made demise.”
“I was just helping you with one little problem,” Discord whipped his body around a tiny stage that wasn’t there before and puppetted a marionette of Celestia walking across the stage filled with cutouts of sad sickly humans surrounded by dead plants and trees. As the puppet Celestia moved past human cutouts they turned around revealing smiling ponies and healthy foliage on the opposite side. Then another set of human puppets holding guns marched across the stage and the ponies were knocked down, “You tried to make them able to live on their own planet, but others rejected your gift, even took this gift away from the humans you had already helped by simply killing them.”
Discord threw his uncountable number of hands up into a shrug throwing all of the puppets he was holding behind his back in the process, “How terrible for you that there were humans so insistent on dying that they would take the whole planet with them.”
When Celestia remained silent, Discord made the stage disappear and propped his head onto his clawed hand and looked at the princess, “I’m sorry, does your silence suggest I haven’t done a good enough job of stopping the humans who would have killed not only your precious ponies but their own kind for becoming them? Aren’t you the least bit amused by the comedy of their hubris?” Discord stepped to the side and held up his hands showcasing a neon flashing sign with an arrow that read ‘Be a jackass, right this way!’ “I could have put this on the door, and they still would have come inside!”
Again Celestia remained silent. “Why can’t you just say it, Celestia? Why can’t you just say,” Discord transformed the top of his head to match Celestia’s perfectly with the addition of two red curled horns, a human affectation, “Thank you Discord for keeping the humans from killing one another.” Discord broke the illusion and stared into Celestia’s eyes from mere millimeters away.
For a time the only movement in the room was Celestia’s mane. “You know what the best part of all of this is? Facing the same cruelty as a donkey that they gave freely as a human has taught them more in a week about compassion than you have managed to teach whole races in lifetimes.”
Celestia’s expression cracked showing a flash of sorrow, a fraction of guilt, and even a dash of defeat as Discord flew back grinning, “Ah! There’s the thanks I was looking for!”
Celestia really looked at Discord, perhaps for the first time that day if not that century, “It hurts me to admit that you are helping, Discord, in your own evil way, you are protecting the innocent, but surely you know that you’ll quickly run out of new victims. With human souls under my protection you won’t even be able to breed new donkeys. The nation state you have created will die out in less than a generation, so what do you hope to win in all of this?”
Discord glared back at Celestia, the first truly malevolent look he had given all day, “I don’t hope to win anything, Celestia; I just want to leave scars.” With that Discord disappeared to the snap of his fingers that lingered and echoed deep into the castle.
Author's Note
This story was inspired by the Wayward Children series by Seanan McGuire , Pinocchio, and an unfortunate number of people I have had the displeasure of meeting.
I wrote this story seat-of-the-pants style which I have never done before, and only managed to figure out a title that wouldn't give everything away after I was finished. I had entirely too much fun writing the "too obvious to be obvious" references in this story.
Roll Credits Music:
Note: The single version of this song uses an alternative line for the first refrain of "If you love me let me go" which is "If you love me let me die".