Chuck Baleigh Goes to Ponyville (Read: "Mistake")

We now return you to your regularly scheduled pony.

"AND THE REST OF THE STORY GOES LIKE THIS: YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED A FEW MINUTES AGO? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY FUCKING MENTAL." Chuck said as his story ended.

Twilight was appalled. She was sitting on the lap of a monster. How could he do that to his employees!? How could he be so cruel!? Even Discord wouldn't be as low as to do all those horrible things to those innocents workers! Wanting to get away from this beast ASAP, Twilight leapt off of his lap and backed away from him. Chuck didn't really seem to notice, however.

"SO NOW THAT CHUCK'S TOLD YOU HIS STORY," Chuck began as he got up from the bench, "IT'S TIME TO DO WHAT CHUCK REALLY CAME HERE FOR: ADVERTISE!"

Twilight braced herself. What kinds of products would this madman even sell? Certainly a creature of his mental instability couldn't make anything good, let alone safe. Her question was answered when Chuck pulled a small trinket from his pocket. It looked like a...heart?

"LISTEN GOOD, AND LISTEN WELL, JACKASSES!" Chuck started. "THIS IS THE HEART METER! NOW, CHUCK KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING: 'WHAT THE FUCK IS A HEART METER?' WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING CHUCK'S HERE TO TELL YA, HUH? THIS LITTLE SHITTY PLASTIC HEART IS EASY TO USE, AND EASY TO CARRY! THIS PRODUCT IS RECOMMENDED FOR DUMBASS TEENAGERS WHO CAN'T GET OVER THEIR BREAK-UPS! ALL YOU GOTTA DO, IS HOLD THIS PLASTIC PIECE OF SHIT TO YOUR HEART," Chuck demonstrated this by putting the trinket to his chest, "AND THEN IMAGINE ONE YOU HATE FROM YOUR RECENT BREAK-UP!

That seemed innocent enough. Maybe Twilight misjudged this thing's "products". Apparently, though, Chuck wasn't finished.

"AND THAT'S NOT ALL! I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE ACTUAL FUNCTION OF THIS THING YET! ONCE YOU HAVE YOUR EX IN MIND, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THINK OF ALL THE HATE YOU FEEL FOR THEM, AND THEY'LL DIE OF HEART FAILURE! THEY BROKE YOUR HEART, SO WHY NOT BREAK THEIRS?"

Scratch that. This guy was insane.

"AND THAT'S NOT ALL," (Dear Celestia, would this guy shut up?), "YOU CAN ALSO FILL YOUR CRUSH'S BODY WITH YOUR SWEET FEELINGS OF LOVE. WARNING: THEY MAY OR MAY NOT DIE OF A DIABETIC COMA FROM THE SWEETNESS! FOR ONLY $19.99, YOU CAN HAVE A HEART METER! IF YOU ORDER NOW, CHUCK'LL THROW IN A SECOND HEART METER, ABSOLUTELY FREE! THAT'S A $40 DOLLAR VALUE, FOR ONLY $19.99! SO, ANY OF YOU DUMB HORSES WANT ONE?" Chuck finished his little advertisement with a look at the ponies around him.

Nopony moved a muscle. They all had a mix of shock, fear, and confusion brewing inside them. It was dead silent as Chuck awaited an answer or an offer for a purchase. When that didn't happen, Chuck decided to move on to a new product.

"NONE OF YOU STUPID FUCKING HORSES LIKE THAT SHIT? FINE. FINE. CHUCK KNOWS THAT NOT ALL CONSUMERS LIKE A CERTAIN PRODUCT." Chuck rifled through his pockets and pulled out a disc-like object. "HOW 'BOUT THIS? THIS IS THE BEST GODDAMN MOVIE YOU WILL EVER SEE ON THE MARKET. IT'S CALLED THE LITTLE PANDA FIGHTER. THIS CRAZY FILM IS SURE TO ENTERTAIN FRIENDS AND FAMILY ALIKE. ALSO, IT IS NOT A RIP-OFF OF KUNG-FU PANDA. NO, FUCK THOSE GUYS, WE MADE THIS FIRST. FOR THE GREAT PRICE OF $9.99, YOU CAN HAVE THIS GREAT MOVIE IN YOUR HOME, SO YOU CAN WATCH IT OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOUR BRAIN ORGASMS FROM ITS GREATNESS."

Still, nopony moved. Now Chuck was getting angry, and things were definitely going to go bad if he got angry.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID HORSES? CHUCK'S PRODUCTS ARE AMAZING, AND YOU'RE ALL JUST SITTING THERE LIKE HE'S OFFERING YOU SHIT. WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE THIS, CHUCK'S JUST GONNA HAVE TO GO INTO PERSUASION MODE."

Twilight was scared now. What might "persuasion mode" be? Considering this guy was a total nutcase, it would more than likely end with somepony getting hurt. Or worse. Her fears were confirmed when Chuck grabbed a pony by the throat and held up that grey thing to her head. Chuck turned his head to the hostage pony, then back to the fearful crowd.

"TELL YOU LITTLE SHITS WHAT, IF YOU BUY ONE OF MY PRODUCTS RIGHT NOW, THIS STUPID HORSE'S BRAINS WILL NOT, REPEAT WILL NOT BE SCATTERED ALL OVER THE PLACE. IF YOU PURCHASE NOW, I'LL THROW IN A STUPID HORSE'S LIFE SPARED, ABSOLUTELY FREE. THIS IS A $200 DOLLAR VALUE, AT ONLY $19.99 AT THE MOST! I GUARANTEE IT!"

Twilight gasped when she realized who Chuck was holding: Rarity. She looked horrified as her face started changing color, being choked by Chuck's grasp. Knowing something had to be done, Twilight spoke up.

"Sir, if I buy something from you, you're sure to let that pony go?" Twilight asked, intimidated by Chuck's head turning towards her, but trying to remain calm.

"ARE YOU REALLY THAT DEAF, YOU TWAT? YOU HEARD CHUCK. HE GUARANTEES THIS HORSE'S BRAINS WON'T SPLATTER THE WALLS IF YOU BUY ONE OF HIS PRODUCTS RIGHT NOW. A PITCHMAN NEVER LIES. I GUARANTEE IT!"

Maybe he wasn't lying. He did seem to be really serious when he said Rarity would be let go. Plus, he switched to the first person for a moment. Did that mean he really guaranteed it?

"Twilight...dear...help..." Rarity was able to sputter through Chuck's vice grip, her face now a deep purple. Rarity's plea, however, got a glance from Chuck, who pulled back a small, jagged piece at the end of the gray thing, the trinket making a *click!* as it was pulled back.

"Wait wait wait!" Twilight begged at a fast pace, "I'll buy one of your products! Just please let her go!"

Satisfied that one of these dumb animals was going to make a business deal, Chuck released the pony in his hands. The pony plopped to the ground, gasping for air.

"ALRIGHT THEN. WHAT AMAZING BALEIGH PRODUCT DO YOU WANT?" Chuck said as he emptied his pockets, several objects of varying sizes coming out of them.

Twilight didn't really care what she bought, as long as she was able to save Rarity. Since she didn't want to go back on her word and anger Chuck, however, she walked over to a random object and picked it up with her magic.

"How much is this thing?" Twilight asked Chuck as the object hovered.

"$19.99!"

What did $19.99 mean, anyways? Confused by Chuck's price, Twilight sighed and gave him 20 bits. Surely that would fit the bill.

"YOU MUST BE ONE HORNY LITTLE FUCKER," Chuck began as the coins fell in his open palm. "AFTER ALL, 'THE BIG WILLY' WILL DEFINITELY SATISFY YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS FOR HOURS ON END! WITH ITS VIBRATE FUNCTION AND SELF LUBRICATING TIP, YOU CAN BE SURE YOU'LL NEVER GROW TIRED OF SHOVING A PLASTIC DICK UP YOUR PUSSY!"

Twilight gave Chuck a confused glance, then looked to the object. Her face immediately went red as a cherry as she realized what she had just bought. It was too late to give it back and take something else, however, as Chuck was looking at the money.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE?" Chuck asked, eyeing the coins.

Twilight looked at Chuck as if he had just asked what a tree was.

"Bits. Those are bits. What, you don't have money where you come from?" Twilight asked sarcastically.

"YOU PAY ME IN MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS, NOT COINS!" Chuck yelled.

"Dollars?" Twilight asked.

"YES, DOLLARS, YOU STUPID BITCH."

"Sir, I'll have you know that bits are the only form of currency around here. There are no such things as 'dollars'."

Chuck, annoyed, pulled out a dollar bill from his wallet.

"THIS IS A DOLLAR YOU STUPID SHIT. NOW TELL ME IT DOESN'T EXIST."

"Is that a piece of paper? I think gold coins are worth more than a piece of paper. If anything, you should be giving me some of my money back," Twilight smart-mouthed.

Wait, these coins were made of gold? Fuck the dollars. Chuck was fine with these "bits". He proceeded to put the dollar and the bits into his wallet.

"NEVER MIND. CHUCK WILL JUST TAKE THESE COINS. OH AND FUCK YOU, CHUCK DOESN'T GIVE ANY MONEY BACK."

Twilight was about to retort when Chuck held that gray thing to her head.

"ALRIGHT. NOW ANOTHER PRODUCT IS GONNA BE BOUGHT, OR ELSE THIS ONE DIES."

To repay Twilight, Rarity came up and bought a random object. She came across a small brown bag of what she assumed was a snack food, since it was just a plain plastic bag, and looked to Chuck.

"How much for these...things?"

"$4.99!"

Rarity gave Chuck 5 bits.

"YOU JUST BOUGHT A BAG OF CHUCK BALEIGH BRAND COFFEE CRISPS. AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GET SOME FAT-FREE ONES. YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE TUBBY, PIGGY." Chuck laughed as he poked her side.

Then, as everypony thought Chuck would leave, he randomly grabbed another pony. However, this was not a mare, but instead, a filly.

"Let go'a me!" Apple Bloom yelled in Chuck's grip.

"IF YOU BUY ANOTHER PRODUCT RIGHT NOW, I GUARANTEE I WILL NOT RAPE THIS HORSE, HER SISTER, AND HER MOTHER. A $0 DOLLAR VALUE, FOR PROBABLY $19.99."

And so the process of pony saving pony through money was repeated over and over until everypony's wallets were absolutely raped.

--

Chuck grinned at his wallet, satisfied today was successful. He got lotsa money today, and he couldn't be happier. Unfortunately, the stupid horses decided that he should be thrown in jail. What happened once he sold his last product was still a blur to him. He remembered some winged asshole horses flying down with some omega bitch with rainbow hair, and then she came light from her horn, and the next thing Chuck knew, he was here.

"FUCKIN' SHITS. IF THEY JUST BOUGHT SOME OF CHUCK'S PRODUCTS, HE WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED TO GO INTO PERSUASION MODE."

It wasn't fair. Chuck was just a businessman that wanted to make a living. When nobody wants your products, you gotta get the people to buy 'em, one way or another. Firing off a couple shots from his trusty revolver may not have been the best idea, however. He killed one of 'em, and Chuck was not in his factory anymore, so he was vulnerable. Vulnerable enough to be beaten by a fucking horse. Certainly not one of Chuck's best moments.

*KRRZT*

Chuck jumped at the random noise. What the Hell was- oh wait, that's right! The walkie-talkie was still in Chuck's pocket! Taking it out of his pocket, Chuck turned on the walkie-talkie and spoke into it.

"ARE YOU ASS-WIPES STILL THERE?"

"Yes *cough* sir. What is it that you need?"

"TO GET CHUCK THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, THAT'S WHAT."

"But sir, don't you think you *cough* should sell more products?"

"DON'T QUESTION CHUCK, JACKASS! HE'S SOLD ENOUGH SHIT TO KEEP HIM STOCKED ON MONEY FOR LIFE. NOW GET CHUCK BACK TO THE FACTORY ASAP!"

"But sir, *cough* we can't bring you back."

"THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?"

"Anything that goes through the portal comes back in approximately 24 hours."

"WELL, FUCK. CHUCK'S GONNA HAVE TO SPEND A NIGHT IN JAIL FOR ONCE, THEN."

"You're *cough* in jail sir?"

"YES, SMART-ASS. DON'T ASK WHY."

Chuck turned off the walkie-talkie and put it back in his pocket. Great. Not only would Chuck be in a jail cell for once in his life, but who knows what tomorrow might bring? Will he actually have to go to court? Will the stupid horses just kill him on the spot? Chuck pondered these questions as he heard the door to the front of the jail open. Hoof steps emanated from the other room, and they got closer. And closer. And then the door to the cell block was opened. And then that omega bitch horse and that stupid little purple one from earlier came to Chuck's cell and faced him.

"Do you know why you're here?" asked the omega bitch.

"FOR WANTING TO SELL SOME OF MY GODDAMN PRODUCTS? YEAH, THAT SEEMS RIGHT. AND FAIR. YOU CUNT." Chuck answered, not realizing who exactly he was talking to.

"No, you're here on several counts of attempted murder, actual murder, and disturbing the peace." the omega bitch replied.

"That was a bad guess, too." the purple one sneered.

"SUCK A DICK, YOU GRAPE. OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET TO USING THAT BIG-WILLY YOU BOUGHT FROM ME."

The purple horse backed away, blushing.

"SO WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO WITH ME, YOU FUCKS? YOU CAN'T KEEP ME HERE FOREVER, CUZ I'M GONNA BE GOING BACK TO MY OWN WORLD TOMORROW."

The omega bitch put a hoof to her chin and thought. Then, she answered.

"You will be put on trial for your crimes posthaste. Since we have several witnesses to each of your crimes, you have no chance of being found innocent. And who knows? Maybe the judge will sentence you to prison time, or maybe he'll sentence you to execution." The omega bitch finished with an evil smirk.

Chuck glared at the omega bitch. Was she really challenging Chuck Baleigh? He has been avoiding the authorities and courts for years. He'll find a way out of this.

"FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE BUT HOME."

The omega bitch only shook her head and left Chuck's cell, the purple one following her. He heard two doors open and close, signaling the two horse's departures.

HA, I BET THE GRAPE TOTALLY KISSES THE OMEGA BITCH'S ASS, Chuck thought.

With nothing left to do, Chuck lied on the cot and went to sleep, bracing for whatever may come tomorrow.